03x02 - September 29, 1991

[bunniefuu]

[Man Announcing]
New this fall on Fox...

it's Kung Fu Master ' :
The Adventure Continues.

Grasshopper, when you can grab
this pebble from my hand...

it will be time for you to leave.

Sorry, not this time.

Oh, come on, Ancient Master.

It's been almost years.
I gotta get outta here!

Hey, I have an idea.
Why don't we just say I grabbed it?

We don't have to tell anybody.
It'd be my little secret.

I cannot do that.

Remember, as it is written:

"Life is a mystery.

"Everyone must stand alone.

"I hear you call my name...

"and it feels like home...

just like a prayer."

In other words...

you don't graduate
until you grab this pebble.

All right.
Wow, look over there.

- It's Julia Roberts and Jason Patric!
- Where?

Nice try.

- Now let Aikido have his turn.
- Good luck.

Are you still on pebble grabbing?
Damn. Watch it, Compton style.

Congratulations, Aikido!

You are now ready to move on.

All right, what do you want? A hundred?
Two hundred? Lakers season tickets? Front row!

I'm sorry, Grasshopper.
But as it is written in the ancient scroll...

"It's it, and that's that."

Okay. I didn't want it
to come to this.

Gimme the stone!

Right now!

- Whoo!
- I got it! Uuh!

Remember, somewhere between love
and madness lies obsession.

Yes! Yes, Master!

I understand now.
I'm ready!

[Groaning]

Master? Master?

Oh, God! Oh, my God!

[Grunting]

- Aah!
- [Laughing]

You always fall for that one!

Now, Grasshopper, go serve
the other students their lunch.

- All right, already!
- [Laughing]

Aah! Aah!

Ow, that's hot!

Ohh!

[Announcer]
Join us next week for more exciting adventures of...

Kung Fu Master ' .

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

Ah, Minister Farrakhan, I'm certainly
looking forward to the game today.

Well, Al Sharpton, the regular manager
of the baseball team is sick today...

and the owner wants
you to fill in.

And it's important that you become familiar
with all the players' names...

especially since some of them
are a little strange.

- Oh, I'm down.
- That's right. I'm Down is sick,
so you'll be taking his place.

- Say what?
- Saywhat's over in right field.

- So who's on first?
- No, Jews on first.

- Says who?
- The owner, Whitey.

- Whitey's on the team?
- That's right, with Jews on first...

Theman is on second, Mr. Charlie at shortstop,
and It's Aconspiracy at third.

- Now, wait a minute. Who's at shortstop?
- Mr. Charlie.

- But, now, isn't that a conspiracy?
- No, Aconspiracy's at third.

- So then, who's at first?
- No, Jews on first.

- Preach on.
- Preachon is pitching.

- Say what, my brother?
- Saywhat's right field. Mybrother is catching.

So, now, Mybrother's catching.

Right on. So where's Aconspiracy?
Preach on.

No, Righton is in left field, Aconspiracy is at third,
and Mybrother is catching, Preachon.

- Preach on?
- That's right, Preachon.

- Amen.
- Is playing center field.

- Say what?
- In right field.

- Says who?
- Whitey.

- Preach on!
- Preachon is pitching to Mybrother.

So, uh, Jews on first?

- I'm down.
- I thought you said he was the old manager.

- No, I'm just saying, "I'm down."
- I'm Down, what? Is at first?

- No, Jews on first.
- So, Jews on first...

Theman is at second, Mr. Charlie is the shortstop,
and then It's Aconspiracy.

- Amen, my brother.
- Center field and catcher.

- Say what?
- Amen and Righton.
Now, that takes care of the outfield.

- Righton and Amen.
- So, where is the conspiracy?

Between Mybrother and Theman.

- According to who?
- Whitey and Jews.

See, this is all the work
of Whitey's and Jews.

Now, I understand Whitey,
but why theJews?

- BecauseJews is also captain.
- Over Mybrother?

- Right on.
- And amen and preach on, my brother.

This is more confusing
than the Tawana Brawley trial.

Johnny?
Johnny, is that you?

Oh, Johnny, it's been so long.
I thought you'd never come back.

- Why, you're notJohnny!
- Yeah, I know.

Tell your story walking, pal, or I'll have
the hotel d*ck up here so quick, you'll...

Look here, babe, you better chill, all right?
You better chill, 'cause I will...

l... Baby, I will brush you to death.

Baby?
Why, no sentimental sap on earth...

would call me baby,
except one person alone... Johnny.

He sent you, didn't he?
Oh, of course. I should've realized.

Oh, what did he say? Tell me everything.
I want to hear every word.

Uh, he said for you
not to call the police...

no matter what you do,
and just forget this ever happened.

Oh, nuts.
I could never forgetJohnny.

Why, I'm the only one in the world
who really understands him.

Oh, take me to him, won't you?
You've got to.

Oh, tell me everything. Tell me what he said.
Tell me what he needs!

Well...

Well, actually, what he need is,
Johnny needs some money.

Money? Why, is that all?
The big lug.

No, not just money.
He need, uh, credit cards, VCRs...

uh, camcorders,
and he been cravin' for this Rolex.

Well, I suppose I do have a few baubles,
a few trinkets, a few shiny souvenirs.

They may seem
meaningless to you...

but they've brought a handful of happiness
to this lonely heart.

Hey, hold it. This ain't one of them
Totally Hidden Video things like that, is it?

Oh, Johnny. I remember the day he left
as though it was yesterday.

He stood right at that door,
and said to me, " Velma...

I'm going out for a dozen roses,
a pack of cigarettes and a quart of gin."

Then he slipped me five bucks
and told me to buy myself something pretty.

I've been waiting here ever since.

You don't have that
five dollars with you, do you?

Oh, take it. Take it all.

Don't you see?
Nothing means anything to me butJohnny.

Oh, I miss him so!
[Sobbing] Oh, Johnny!

[Mock Sobbing]
Oh, Johnny! Oh!

Oh, Johnny!

I'm Oprah, girl. Let it out, girl.
Caller, you say...

- Oh, Johnny!
- Oh! [Blubbering]

Ah, Johnny!

Johnny!

You will take me to him, won't you?
You've got to.

I simply won't take "no"
for an answer.

I'll just get my wrap and be back
in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

Hey, listen. Hold on, sweetie. Look, look.
I'm gonna run and get some roses...

and some cigarettes and a quart of gin,
and I'll be right back for you, all right?

All right, kid.

You don't have to
spell it out for me.

I wasn't born yesterday, you know.

Hey. Here's five dollars.

Go get you something pretty.

That's right, kid.
Go on without me.

It's better that way.
I'll only slow you down.

But give a message
toJohnny for me.

Tell him I love him.
Tell him I'll wait right here.

I'd wait a thousand years.

Oh, Johnny.

I'd wait forever for you.

Now, let me get this straight:

You're looking for someone
called the Gibberish k*ller...

who leaves nonsensical notes
on his victim's bodies.

That's correct, which is why I need
to speak to the doctor immediately.

He could give me a psychological profile
of this nut so we can catch him...

- before he murders again.
- [Laughs] Oh, my darling Ms. Starling.

Let me first say
this man is very dangerous.

If you're not careful, he could...

psychologically destroy you.

[Laughs]

My four years at the academy
weren't exactly a charm school, Doctor.

- I think I can handle him.
- Well, here we are.

Ms. Starling, meet Oswald Bates.

I'll just leave you two alone
to get better acquainted.

Mr. Bates, My name is
Special Agent Clarice Starling.

I'd like to ask you
a few questions, sir.

I said, I need your help, Mr. Bates.

[Sniffs]

I can specify your
Kunta Kinte from here.

If you're referring to my cologne, sir,
it's called "Obsession"...

something I'm sure
you're not unfamiliar with.

Ah, douché!
Or should I say Summer's Eve?

Your psychological games won't work
with me, Doctor. I'm immune.

Ovulate!

Great.

I'd like you to take a look at this
and see if you can make anything out of it.

[Sniffs]

"I will Pepto Bismolize...

"and Betty Crockalize...

"any spermeation
of my smegmatic taxicab...

excuse me, maxi pad."

The man is sick.

I realize that, sir.

That's why I need your help.
Where is he going to strike next?

First "proctologize" yourself...

in his "Rico Suavematic" gyrations.

Okay. Okay, yeah, so... No, I'm sorry,
you're gonna have to give me more than that.

Kleenex!
You're not constipating!

"Imogene Cocalize"
the slaughter of the lambada!

Of course! Albuquerque!

That would be in line with his fascination
for polysyllabic non sequiturs.

Ex-Lax-cidy!

And now, you must spew...

your liquids for me!

Let me put it to you this way, Doctor.

The "testicuality"
of the atmosphere, uh...

excuse me... pap smear...
is not "juicified" to the, uh...

Oh, what's the word? Uh...

- "Deflecation."
- Yes, "deflecation" of your circumcision.

That... That's all I can do.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I can smell your feet!

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Man Rapping]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Announcer]
Previously on In Living Color.

- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, my Lord!

Blayne!
[Crying] Blayne!

Blayne! Blayne!

Call a doctor. I think he needs
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Hey, hey, hey, man, hey!

What you doin', man?

Blayne? Blayne, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm all right. What's up with you?
What's these funny clothes about, man?

- Let's finish the show. Finish the show.
- Okay. [Clears Throat]

Finally, we come to that
sly Fox of a network...

and their show
Married with Children.

- Loved it.
- Hated it.

What you talkin' 'bout, "hated it"?
Man, that girl is fine. The blonde one?

With the... The blonde?
Look like she hidin' two midgets, man.

Blonde? Midget?

Ohh!

[Announcer]
Cable access channel presents Men On Film.

- Hello, I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merrywether.

[Together]
And welcome to Men On Film.

The show that looks at movies
from a guy's point of view.

Uh, you mean,
from a male point of view.

Yeah, male's or guy's...
guy's point of view.

- Huh. Heh! We have a new sponsor.
- Gaytorade.

It's for that deep-down body thirst.

Now packed to the brim
with natural protein. Mm!

Tonight we're gonna look
at summer blockbusters.

Our first film up is City Slickers.

Oh, this is a film
about li'I Billy Crystal...

who finds the real man
inside of him...

by going west and putting on
some of those leather chaps...

and joining in a cattle drive.

I loved this film,
all that dust and perspiration.

I got saddle sore just watching it.
You want to see?

No. Um... [Chuckles]
I didn't really pay much attention...

'cause once they started with the cows and stuff,
I just got into my girl.

I had this young lady with me.
We's, like, mackin' it out and stuff, man. [Laughs]

Everybody got what they wanted.
Billy even got to take home that little calf, Norman.

Yeah, I bet they had veal chops that night.
[Laughing] Veal... They k*lled... The burger...

Oh, just hush.
I could just spank you with a cat-o'-nine-tails.

- Oh, look! There goes Charo.
- Where?

- Keep looking.
- Where?

- Keep looking.
- Where?

Hello in there!

- I'm sorry.
- Don't do that again.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I thought there was
a stink bug on your head.

I'm warning you, Tony.
Don't do that again, man.

The next film up is
Kevin Costner's action-adventure flick...

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

I felt this film
went off the track...

when cute little Kevin Costner...

went to save that
screwball Maid Marian.

Uck! The real story
was in the dank, dark...

moist, moss-strewn thickets...

of Sherwood Forest.

Did these Merry Men sleep together?
Play together?

Bathe together?
Dry their throbbing muscles off together?

Enquiring minds would like to know.

And a tip to the producers:
When you release the video...

let us see some more of little Kevin's
flaming arrow, por favor.

You wouldn't happen to be...
Nah!

- Go ahead, say it.
- [Laughs]

- I dare you.
- You're wrong. That's what it is.

You wouldn't happen to be wrong?
I think Maid Marian was fine, and...

- Tony, don't get mad, man. What are you...
- Aah! Oww!

- I'm sorry.
- Oh!

Thank you.

Next up, Truth or Dare.

Oh, Madonna's tour documentary.

My coif for vous, Madonna.

I loved this one.

I could've spent all night watching
those fabulously interesting dancers.

Whether to point your toe,
don't point your toe, who knows?

- I haven't had that much fun since the opening...
- [Snorting]

Of Paris is Burning.

And that little Oliver.
You know, the Negroid with the blond hair?

Oh. He was riveting.
He was riveting.

But there's one thing...
Excuse me?

Why don't you just cut free,
Oliver, and admit who you are?

Oliver, I dare you!

Tell the truth.
¿Es verdad?

- What's "¿Es verdad?"
- It's Spanish for "Isn't it the truth?"

- You know, I'm bi... lingual.
- Uh-huh.

Well, I didn't look at Oliver much...

but I think Madonna is pretty hot.

And, um, I don't know. I could forget Truth or Dare.
I wanna see her play spin the bottle.

You see the way she wrapped her lips
around that bottle, man?

Yo, she can
pop my bottle anytime.

Hello in there.

- That's it, man. I'm gonna bust your ass.
- Oh!

Wait a minute. I thought there was
a daddy longlegs on your head.

'Scuze me.
[Chuckles]

That's it, man. You want a piece of me?
Come on. Go for it. Give me your best shot.

- Give me your best shot. Come on. Uuh!
- [Gasps]

[Crying]

- Blayne?
- Tony!

Blayne!

[Joyful Yelps]

- I'm free! I'm free!
- He's back!

Come on!
You remember the crew!

- He's back!
- Oh! Hi, Eric and Troy!

Join us next week when
we'll be reviewing Terminator ...

starring muscle-bound
Arnold Schwarzenegger.

If this man is the man of the future,
wrap me up, freeze me...

and pack me in liquid steel.

We're celebrating Blayne's return
with a new and improved T snap.

♪♪ [Disco: Women Singing]

Yo, we'll be back next week.

Peace!

♪♪ [Hip-hop]