02x24 - May 12, 1991

[bunniefuu]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me It's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced to the exact beat
And at night ♪

- ♪ It was safe to walk down the street ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ Everybody here
is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody here
is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody, everybody
everybody, everybody ♪

- ♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine ♪

♪ In living c-c-c-olor♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do
In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me It's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do
in living color♪♪

[Audience Applauding, Cheering]

[Muffled Yelling]

SW , kick it.

♪♪ [Resumes]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me It's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪♪

Now, Lil Magic, now, listen to me.
Don't you forget what Mama told you.

You got to get this part
'cause rent is due...

and we done cashed in our last food stamp
on bus fare down here.

Don't worry, Mama. I'm gonna get the job
this time. And I'm gonna make lots of money.

- I'm gonna buy you gold caps for your teeth...
- Lil Magic...

- and I'm gonna get aluminum foil
for the TV antenna...
- Lil Magic...

- and I'm gonna get Peanut's corrective shoe
outta the pawn shop...
- Now, hush up!

- Sorry, Mama.
- Oh, that's my baby.

- Oh. Now, give me your foot.
You done forgot your tap shoes.
- Oh, oh, oh.

Now, hold still.

- Ouch!
- Oh, hush up.

These shoes was good enough for Lashawn
and Pookie. They's good enough for you.

- Besides, them soles only got
but a few holes in 'em.
- Ooouch!

- Be quiet. Now, put that toe back in.
- Yes, Mama.

Um, female, "Pajama Johnson"?

No. That's Fuhmahlay Pajuhmay.
That's "Acrifan."

But my friends call me
"Lil Magic." See?

- What is that? You have a résumé?
- A what?

- A résumé. You know, credit.
- Oh, credit. I keep me some credit.

I got me a LeRon's
Hair Weave Emporium card.

And you know Mr. Kwon Lee,
down at the corner store?

He give me credit whenever I need it.

I mean, what has she done?
What shows has she starred in?

Why didn't you say that in the first place?
Lil Magic had the lead role...

in the Fulton Project Community Center
production of Please, Mama, Don't Use Crack.

And I'm Right On magazine's
Miss Smile-Brite . See?

My baby's gonna get this job.

I'm sorry, ma'am. We're looking
for professional actors only.

You gonna be lookin' for a doctor
if you don't get the hell out my way.

You can't go in there.

[Man]
Hey. Hey.

What...
What's this?

This here is Lil Magic. She only the most
beautific, wondalicious girl in the whole galaxy.

Plus I'm Right On magazine's
Miss Smile-Brite . See?

- Uh, we don't have time to see people right now.
- Oh, hush up, honey.

Show the director a lil' magic.
Get it?

- Mama, Mama, my baton!
- Oh! Here you go, honey.

- [Director] Okay, let's see ya.
- ♪♪ [Piano Intro]

- ♪♪ [Singing Discordantly]
- [Marching Heavily]

- ♪♪ [Continues]
- Ah, you doin'it, honey.!

Shuffle off to Buffalo!

- [Director] Okay. Thank you, Magic.
Thank you very much.
- Ow!

- Play the drums, honey.
Get on the good foot.
- We don't have to see any more.

- [Mama] This is funky here.
- ♪♪ [Rock Drum Fill]

- We really should move on.
- ♪♪ [Whistles] Lil Magic, play the horn!

- [Director] We've gotta move on.
- ♪♪ [Fast]

Lil Magic, do the nunchuks, honey,
the nunchuks!

- [Director] I can't believe...
- [Mama] Hai Karate.!

You just like Bruce Lee.
[Imitating Martial Arts Yells]

See? Oh, Lil Magic, swallow the baton.
This is the big finish.

There you go.
My little darling.

That's it. Get them outta here.
Out. Get them out!

- You better get your hands off my little girl.
- [Crash]

Mama, Mama, I got the job.
I know I got it!

And the producer's gonna
fly me to Hollywood...

- Uh, Lil Magic...
- on a big plane that says, "Lil Magic."

- Uh, Lil Magic...
- When I get there,
everybody be gathered around the airport...

- and they'll say, "Lil Magic..."
- Oh, hush up!

- Sorry, Mama.
- Oh, that's my baby.

- Mama, can I take my tap shoes off?
My feet hurt.
- No!

We got two more auditions crosstown,
and you never know who may be on that city bus.

- Now, you got your transfer?
- Yes, Mama.

Come on. Let's go.

I've heard the food here
is quite excellent.

Well, if anybody knows
about food, it's Oprah.

- Hello-o-o!
- Oh!

Hi. Welcome.

- Thank you.
- I see you have a bottle of my best champagne.

You must be celebrating
something special tonight.

- Well, we sure are. We've just become engaged.
- Ooh, girlfriend. Engaged?

- Yes.
- [Laughs]

- Ooh. So, you set a date?
- Well, no, not yet, but...

- But sometime soon.
- Right.

Mm-hmm. Girlfriend, let Oprah school you.
That is the oldest trick in the book.

- Really?
- Honey, a man will use you up.

He will lay up in your house,
spend up your money.

He'll live in your condo, and you will never,
ever see that gold band on your finger.

But wait a minute.
What are you talking about?

- It's just a couple of years until I finish school.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Till he finishes school.
Oh, girl.

Oh, girl, do you know what you're in for?
I've been down this road, honey.

- [Sobs]
- So many things happen in two years:

You get stretch marks,
you get wrinkles.

- Girl, he ain't gonna want you in two years.
- [Sobbing]

- Um, No, it's not...
- How could you do this to me?

- Hey, listen...
- Men Who Fear Commitment.

Tonight at Oprah's.

- I hate you.
- You want to say what?

Uh, nothing.
I was just going to the ladies' room.

Oh? And leaving these two adorable children
by themselves?

- No, I'm coming right back.
- Women Who Abandon Their Children.

Tonight at Oprah's.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

You want to say what?
Mm-hmm. Get up.

Why did she have kids
if she's gonna abandon them?

- [Patrons Applaud]
- Mm-hmm. Oh, you have a point?

- Um, well...
- Make your point. Make your point.

L-l-I just wanted some butter for...
the bread.

This bread... Get the girl some butter
over here. This bread is bland.

- Mm-hmm. You say what?
- Take her kids away from her!

- Shame on you.
- Somebody come get these kids.

This is ridiculous.
Nobody's taking my kids away from me.

These are my babies.
Ain't nobody takin' my...

Wait a minute.
What? Who are you? What? What?

Listen!
Hey, wait a minute. Let go.

- Yo, mom! Mama! Mama!
- [Protesting]

- [Man] Damn right.
- Women Torn from Their Children.

Tomorrow night's dinner conversation
at Oprah's.

- I guess I'll just have the salad.
- Good.

Well, you know, that sounds real good.
I'm gonna have just what she's having.

Men Who Want to Be Women.
Tonight at Oprah's.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. I'm perfectly happy.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.
You have something to say?

- You say it. Stand up.
- Yes, Oprah. My name is Cindy...

but just a few short years ago,
I was a man named Hank.

- I think I understand some of your pain, sir.
- Wait a minute. Please. Stop!

- Get rid of the pain.
- You say what?

- Get rid of the secrets.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

We love you just the way you...
[Burping] are.

- [Oprah] Thank you for that.
- Oprah? I'm free.

I've decided to have
a sex change operation tomorrow.

- From here on out I'll be known as "Taniqua."
- [Patrons Applaud]

Oprah?

- I'm my own father.
- Yes!

Over here, Oprah. Oprah?
I know this isn't anything great...

- but my feet stink.
- [Applause]

Yes.

- I channel Moms Mabley.
- Make your point.

And child, these french fries are terrific.
What is your secret?

Well, thank you all.
Now I have a confession that I have to make.

You know, over the years
I've dropped pounds of fat?

- Yes.
- Well, guess what?

- I've been frying your food in it.
- Oh, wonderful.

- That's great.
- [Man] Ugh.! Ugh.!

♪♪ [Hip-Hop]

♪♪ [Marching Band, Distant]

You left your top open.
Now get the hell outta here.

Come on.
Mime your ass on down the street.

- [Honking Horn]
- Okay. Gather 'round, children.

[All Cheering]
[Chanting] Homey! Homey! Homey!

A'ight, now.

Y'all want your pictures drawn,
it'll be one dollar apiece.

Homey, Homey,
draw me first.

Oh, yeah. You want me to draw you first
'cause you so cute and sweet and adorable, huh?

- Yes.
- Take off your glasses.

I don't think so.

I'll draw you all
at the same time.

- Okay.
- Ooh...

Sorry, Homey.

There you go.
Three dollars.

Hey, wait a minute,
Homey. I can't tell which one's me.

Easy. You the big, dumb one.
Now gimme my money.

- You see what I'm talking about?
- A black circus clown.

He'd make the perfect spokesman
for our product. Let's make him an offer.

- Y'all better get my damn money.
- [Girl] Okay.

- Well, well, well, if it ain't Bobo and Mr. Charlie.
- [Chuckles]

- [Men Laugh]
- [Homey] Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I hope you got your passports.
You be in Homey country now.

Homey, my company is producing
a new sugar-coated kids' cereal...

and I want you to be
the company spokesman.

Oh, yeah. Right. You want me to help you
further oppress my people...

by gettin' them to eat stuff that'll make
their teeth rot and fall out their mouth?

- I don't think so.
- Did I mention the job pays...

a million dollars a year?

- I don't think I have a problem with that.
- [Cash Register Ringing]

Homey plays that.

- Where do Homey sign?
- Right there, Homey.

- How do you spell "D. Clown"?
- [All Laughing]

Homey Wheats. Take five.

Hi. I'm Homey the Clown.
Kids love me.

Tell me, though, childrens,
why do you love Homey so?

- [Children, Together] Because you're so dumb!
- [Homey Chuckles]

I may be just a dumb ol' clown...

but I'm smart enough to love the sugary taste
of Homey Wheats.

Now, if I could just
get my hands on some.

- [Children Giggling]
- [Chuckling] Hey! Ouch!

Stupid clown.
Homey Wheats are for kids.

Outsmarted again.

Looks like I'll be denied the hundred percent
sugary taste of Homey Wheats...

the cereal that goes,
"Bop, bop, bop."

Not me, childrens...
the cereal!

[All Laugh Loudly]

So remember, little childrens...

do what the man says... go out and buy yourself
a box of new Homey Wheats...

the only cereal made from cookies,
marshmallows, sugar cubes...

and other nutritional
pieces of candy.

Now this is a cereal
Homey can play.

- Welcome to Chez Whitey.
- Thank you, Julio.

[Strains]
Always havin' trouble with them clown shoes.

Here you go. It's a dollar.
Don't spend it all in one place.

[Laughs]
Watch the car.

- Homey!
- Homester!

- Homester, come on in. Got your favorite table.
- Oh, great. Bobo and Mr. Charlie.

- My friends.
- Where you been? You're a half an hour late.

- You know me. I'm on C.P. Time.
- [All Laugh Loudly]

Homey! Homey?

Everyone's saying you sold out
to the establishment.

- Say it ain't so, Homey.
- Of course not.

Here, here. Here's your old sock.
Bop me one.

- [Chanting] Homey! Homey!
- Oh, great. My old sock.

Look. I can get, like, a good tax write-off
with this, couldn't I?

- [Laughing]
- Oh, no! No, Homey. Come on.

- Come on, Homey. Dis me. Remember this?
- [Honks Horn]

Come on. Here.
Come on. Dis me, Homey.

- Come on, Homey.
- Ah, no, no. Hey, I don't think so.

Homey don't play that
for free anymore.

He gets a hundred thousand bucks to bop now,
and I'm afraid you just can't afford it.

- So beat it, kid. Come on, Homey.
- Sorry, Charlie.

Catch me next time.

You go ahead.
[Chattering]

You're not Homey the Clown.

You're Homey the Man.

[Sobbing]
You're a sucker.

♪♪ [Women Singing Disco]
- [Man] Public access channel and a half...

- proudly presents Men on Television.
- [Audience Cheering]

[Cheering Continues, Fades]

- Hello. I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merrywether.

[Both]
And welcome to Men on Television...

- the show that looks at TV...
- from a male point of view.

Mm-hmm. We've taken a look at examples
of shows from all four networks.

First there was NBC.

It used to stand for
"Nothing But Cosby."

Now, you know, they have that new show,
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Well, listen.
There's nothin' fresh about this prince.

And it's definitely not
the Prince I was lookin' for.

- I was lookin' for a purple
G-string and some high heels.
- Mm-hmm.

Ditto. [Chuckles]
Then there was Golden Girls.

[Both]
Hated it.

Would you tell me, who cares about
three old, white heifers in a house?

- I don't.
- Next we go to CBS.

The first show we took a look at
was Designing Women.

[Both]
Hated it.

Now, you know, I don't know
who designed these women...

but they need to go back
to the drawing board.

That's right. If that Delta
gets any bigger...

they gonna have to widen
the runway, child.

I guess that's why
they call it CBS...

[Both]
'Cause that's all you see:

- B.S.
- Ooh!

Then we have
m*rder She Wrote.

Now this show is always about some old lady
runnin' around tryin' to find out "whodunit,"

when it's obvious she ain't done it
in a long time.

Oh, stop.

Then we come to ABC, which must stand for
"Ass-Backwards and Country."

- Now, first we had Perfect Strangers.
- Mm-hmm.

This is the story
about two mens...

- one a little Greek boy...
- Mm-hmm.

Distantly related, but thrown together
in a big, evil city...

livin' in a cramped apartment...

sharin' the same house shoes
and toothpaste.

I gotta shift my seat.

I tell you, if you asked me,
I think that little Balki...

- would be much happier
back home with all them sheep.
- Ooh!

- [Giggling]
- You see...

[Continues Giggling]

- What?
- I just thought I heard a chicken.

Um, next we come to Roseanne.

[Both]
Hated it.

- Now, that's the kind of woman,
made me switch in the first place.
- Mm-hmm.

- Let me ask you something.
- What?

Let me ask you something.
Doesn't Roseanne remind you...

of Gerald, you know, from La Cage?

Mm-hmm. And isn't her husband kin
to that Arnold on Green Acres?

I don't know.

You know, it seems like they don't know
how to make good TV anymore.

- I agree.
- That's why we decided to review...

- our favorite series from the past...
- Mm-hmm.

- The Six Million Dollar Man.
- Mm.

Lee Majors rebuilt from scratch
into a bionic hunk o' man...

with a budget of $ million.

Well, if it was my money, you can guess
where , , would've went.

Stop.

That's why we're gonna
give this one...

the one time only
patty-cake snap.

- [Both Snapping Fingers]
- Tell a friend.

- That's it.
- Tell a friend, child.

[Yelping]

Oh, my Lord.

Blayne! Blayne!

Blayne! Call a doctor...

'cause I think he needs
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Hey, hey, hey, man.
Hey!

Man, what you doin', man?

- Blayne? Blayne, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm all right.

What's up with you? What's...
What's these funny clothes about, man?

Blayne, your hat.

This ain't my hat, man.
Get that little thing outta here.

- Yo, let's finish this show, Tony.
- Well, l-I don't know...

What's wrong with you, man?

- Blayne, are you...
- Yeah, I'm all right, man. What's up with you?

- Let's finish the show. Finish the show.
- Okay.

[Clears Throat]
Finally...

we come to that
sly Fox of a network...

and their show
Married with Children.

- Loved it.
- Hated it.

What you talkin' about, "Hated it," man?
That girl is fine. The blonde one?

With the... the blonde?
Look like she hidin' two midgets, man.

Blonde? Midget?
[Yelps]

♪♪ [Hip-Hop, Distant]

♪♪ [Hip-Hop, Distant]

- Yay! All right.
- This is... This is my oldest...

This is my oldest brother, Dwayne.

Many of you've seen him...
You've seen him in many sketches.

- Boo!
- What's your favorite part? The guard.

- Uh, the dead man.
- He's the dead man.

That's right. He's the dead man, the guard.
There's all those...

all those roles
that you folks think are so unimportant.

- This is the guy who volunteers for them.
- [Others Cheer]

I just wanted to say...

I just wanted to say...
we had a fun year...

and, uh, we hope that you guys will definitely
have a safe and prosperous summer...

and you'll join us next season along with
the Rainbow Coalition behind me.

These are all the people...

that help to make
the show a success.

- Remember: Keep the livin' color alive!
- [Cheering]

- [Cheering Continues]
- ♪♪ [Continues, Louder]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪♪