02x21 - April 14, 1991

[bunniefuu]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me It's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

- ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody here
is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody, everybody
everybody, everybody ♪

- ♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine ♪

♪ In living c-c-c-olor♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do
in living color♪

Hi. I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Thanks for tuning in to In Living Color.

Check it out. How many times you been
sitting around with friends...

trying to tell them
your favorite sketch from the show?

Only they didn't see it. Well, check it out.
This is what I done for you.

I put all the best into one show.

So call your friends,
have them watch.

I'll see you next week.
Peace.

Next!

Vrrooom.

Is this the Army
Recrucification Office, sir?

Now, you probably
want the Eternal Life Mission.

It's down the street
and around the block.

No, I've come to be
all I can be...

'cause I've been what I've been
and it ain't paying too well.

- Let me ask you something, boy.
- Huh?

What do you think
you have to offer the army?

Well, I'm glad you asked, sir.

See, 'cause I'm
an entertainer, you know?

If you gave me five dollars...

I could go over
to Salty Armenia...

and entertain the troops, see?

'Cause I'm a regular boogie-woogie bugle boy
of Company "B."

I'm a boogie-woogie
bugle boy... Compan...

Here. Camouflage that for me.

Now, listen to me. I am in the business
of signing up real live soldiers, maggot!

Maggot?
Hey, I ain't no maggot.

Hey, I ain't never been
with another man before.

Who told you that, Clarence?
He's lying. He's lying. I'm telling you.

All right, once.
I was desperate.

I needed the money. I was drunk and down out.
Don't hold it against me.

I don't have time for this!
I'm in the middle of a rapid deployment!

Well, I'm in the middle of unemployment,
so we got something in common.

- You know, as much as I would
love to send you over to Iraq...
- Mm-hmm.

I don't think you'd last minutes.

Okay, just for instance...

what would you do if you had to engage
the enemy in hand-to-hand combat?

[Sniffles]
That's no problem, see...

'cause I'm skilled
in the Martian arts.

I know tai chi. Whaa!

I know tae kwon do.
[Yapping]

And I know Tyrone.
He taught me all that stuff.

You know,
like how to take a rope.

Just a simple rope...
anything becomes a w*apon.

You take that out and...
[Mumbles]

Oh, that's
the secret w*apon there.

Ewww.

Oh, my God.
What is that smell?

Well, that was a sample
of my nerve gas.

All right, all right. That does it.
Get out of here. Go on! Get out of here!

Well, wait a second. Hold on.

- Wait a minute, uh, Uncle Sambo.
- Hey, hey, hey.

I want to serve my country.

I'll give you five dollars if you get out of here
and forget you ever heard about the army.

- Come on! Take it!
- Well, the guy down at the navy office gave me...

- Ah, here's $ .
- Well, the guy at the coast guard...

All right, here's $ .Just go!

$ , get you $ .
$ ? $ ? $ ? $ ?

- Sold! $ !
- Hey, hey, hey!

Carla, the coast is clear.

Can I borrow, uh, you know,
a feminine product?

- Oh, you mean a tampon?
- Shh. Yes. Hurry.

Thanks.

That time of the month, huh, Joyce?

That's not cleavage. It's swelling.

Suffering from P.M.S., Joyce?
[Laughs]

See? I told you she looked bloated.

Can't seem to disguise the fact
that it's your time of the month?

Well, now Femco brings you
Fashion Tampons.

Stylish, comfortable and fun.

They come in assorted colors
and go with any outfit.

Ooh, Joyce,
I love those earrings!

Thanks, Carla.
Actually, they're tampons...

conveniently packaged
in boxes of , and .

And they're super absorbent.

Something you just can't find
in other fashion wear.

Fashion Tampons. Well, honey, I'm just
gonna go on down and get me some.

Gee, Joyce, you look great today.

I like a woman who can accessorize.
Really turns me on.

Nice dress, Joyce.

This old rag?

Fashion Tampons. Because at that time
of the month, you want to look good.

[Woman]
And there's also
Fashion Maxi and Mini Pads...

for the woman on the go.

Fashion Tampons from Femco.

All right, all right. Thanks for coming in.
Come visit us again, all right?

All right.

Later.

Yo, yo, fight the power.

[Chuckles]

- Hey, Joy!
- What?

- Joy!
- What?

- Joy!
- What?

- Joy!
- What?

- Come here.
- What if I don't?

I won't put you in my next movie.

Look, Spike. How many times
do I have to tell you?

It's notJoy. It's Joi.

Joy, we're back in Brooklyn, all right?
All right?

In Brooklyn,
it's Joy, notJoi, okay?

It's notJackay, all right?
It's Jackie.

It's not Sade, all right?
It's Sadie.

- All right?
- All right.

What you gonna call me next?
What you gonna call me, Spikay?

Get outta here.
I wanna show you my new product.

Check it out.
Ah, you likes, right?

You likes, right? Ah, this is
the Mo' Better butter dispenser.

Check it out.

Ah.

I've tasted butter,
but this is Mo' Better butter.

Go stack that over there.
Stack it by the Malcolm Ex-lax.

I got a customer.

- Can I help you?
- Yeah, do you carry sneakers?

- Sneakers?
- Yeah.

- Like tennis shoes?
- Right.

- Like basketball shoes?
- Yes.

- Like just plain sneakers?
- Yes.

- Got 'em.
- Oh, great.

Check it out. My own line.

- Oh.
- Spikes. You like?

- No.
- Come on. You gotta like.

- No, l...
- Come on, look. You gotta like.

- I don't.
- Please, baby, baby, please.

Please, baby, baby, baby, baby.
Please, baby, baby, please.

Please, baby, baby.
Please, baby, baby, baby, baby.

- Please, baby, baby, please.
- Okay, I'll take them.

- All right. You sure?
- Yes.

- You want 'em?
- Yes.

- You buy 'em?
- Yes.

- You sure?
- Absolutely.

All right. You can pay for them
right over here.

You get a copy
of School Daze with that.

- Oh. That's okay.
- It's free.

- Oh, it's free?
- Free.

That's okay.

- [Mumbling]
- Get outta here!

What do you want? What do you want?
I'm gonna go broke.!

Here! Here!
You're gonna drive me crazy.

- Mm-mm-mm. Thank you.
- You sound like a machine g*n.

♪♪ [Radio]

Excuse me.
Can you turn the radio down, please?

- ♪♪ [Continues]
- Excuse me.

Can you turn your radio
down, please? Hey!

Excuse me. I'd like to return
this free copy of School Daze.

What's wrong?
It's defective?

No. I didn't go to a black college.
I just didn't get it.

Can you please turn your radio down?
Hey.

- [Phone Ringing]
- Can you please turn your radio down?

Hello. Spike's Joint.

Ha, ha, ha, very funny.
Deliver pizzas to your house.

- Yeah, right. For the th time, hell no!
- ♪♪ [Continues]

Can you turn
your radio down, please?

Hey, Spike. Why doesn't Nike appoint
any black people to its board of directors, man?

It's a very complicated issue, all right?
But you can read about it in my new book:

The Making of Nike Commercials.

All right? $ . .

- I need triple "A" batteries for my radio.
- We don't have any batteries.

- You're gonna have to turn your radio down.
- No batteries?

- Twenty triple "A"?
- Turn your radio down.

- Turn that down. We don't have any batteries.
- Excuse me.

Excuse me. Mookie, when are you gonna
take care of your kids, all right?

It's... It's not Mookie, all right?
It's Spike, all right?

Turn the radio down.
What do you want?

- [Stammering]
- Get outta here. Get outta here.

- Get outta here!
- How come there's no white people
on the wall, man?

[Overlapping Yelling]

This is Spike's Joint, all right?
When you get your own joint...

[Overlapping Yelling Continues]

You can put anybody
you want on the wall.

- [Yelling Continues]
- The guy who was in Gilligan, man.

Huh? How come he's not...

[Baby Crying]

Now, I know what
you're thinking right now.

You're thinking, " Hey, now's a great time
to throw a trash can through the window."

Well, I couldn't agree
with you more.

That's why I've got trash cans
in the back for $ .

All right?
They're lightweight and riot size.

What a discount.

You'll also get a free copy
of School Daze.

- Oh, forget it.
- Nah, never mind.

Get outta here.!
What? What? What?

M-M-M-M-Midget.

[Applause]

Legally repressing my "ballsitude,"

I've retracted my "godads"
with gigantic proportions.

And the signing
of the prohibition, you see...

defecates the fluids
of the tension...

between the essence of
the Euro intercourse, you see.

[Woman] A. T. + T. Allows you
to reach out and touch someone...

even when they
don't get out much.

Right, exactly.
Okay, brother, okay.

- See, all you're doing right now...
- Uh-huh.

- Is flatulating your liquids, okay,
- That's pretty good.

- Because I believe it was h*m* erectus...
- Right.

- That said to expose
the hemorrhoidal ramification...
- Uh-huh.

- Would merely delineate the colonic orifice,
- Ooh!

Thereby separating
the gluteus from the maximus.

- Well, h*m* was very deep,
- Uh-huh.

- But you seem to masticate
the proclamation, my brother,
- Okay.

Because the gastrointestinal phlebitis...

- prostigates the "crustation" of the colostomy,
- Okay.

- If that's your bag.
- Uh-huh. Preacher!

Right. And further "hindrant"
the pyorrhea, which has...

- Excuse me?
- Uh, you got me, brother.

- The diarrhea.
- Okay.

Moving toward the angina
or "bagina"...

- depending on how much time you got.
- Man, you are Metamucil.

I know, I know.

♪ Talk to me ♪

♪ If you feel the need and
when you need the feeling ♪

♪ Talk to me ♪♪

[Announcer]
Tired of making up lame excuses?

Don't you wanna cuddle?
Baby needs a hug.

[Yawning] I can't hug you right now.
I'm still sleeping.

[Announcer]
Is postcoital cuddling bringing you down?

See, you don't understand. I got to be
somewhere at : tomorrow morning.

Then I'll leave with you.

No. But, uh,
you can't leave with me...

'cause my car was in an accident
and it only has one seat left.

- Then I'll sit on your lap.
- Uh, listen.

Now, I didn't wanna have to tell you this,
and it's top secret.

I'm on a mission for the C.I.A.
I have to travel alone.

It's a matter of life and death.

But if you die, I don't wanna live.

[Thinking]
Geez, what do I have to do to get rid of her?

[Announcer] Sounds like you need
the Ejector Bed from Rudeco.

Yes, it's simple to operate and can eject
up to , pounds in a single thrust.

Oh, wow. This never happened
to me before.

I guess I must've been
under a lot of stress.

Maybe some fresh air might help.

[Announcer]
Yes, the Ejector Bed.

Your best friend
in a sticky situation.

- [Woman] Honey, I'm home.
- [Gasps]

- It's my wife.
- Oh, no! Where will I hide?

[Announcer]
Don't get caught without one.

The Ejector Bed from Rudeco.

Ejector Desk and Ejector Chair
sold separately.

Blood pressure stable
at over .

Doc, how's my partner?
Is he gonna pull through?

He's in pretty bad shape.
Take a look for yourself.

Oh, my God!

Look, look, Doc. Do whatever you gotta do, man.
But please, make him whole again.

We can rebuild him.
We have the technology, all right?

It's gonna cost you
six million dollars.

Six million dollars? The department
doesn't have that kind of money.

- , .
- Look.

I got, um... Let's see. Twenty
Twenty-one, twenty-two.

Another five. Twenty-eight.
Twenty-eight, um...

Forty-five, all right?
There's $ . .

Well, I can't promise anything,
but we'll try.

[Sighs]
He'll be a lot shorter and a little slower.

- But at least he'll be alive.
- Thanks, man.

We gotta get you outta here.

Hang in there, partner.

[Announcer]
Coming this spring to a theater near you...

The Head Detective.

The Head always gets his man.

Let's just forget it, man.
He's too far away. We'll never catch him.

- Throw me at him.
- What?

I said throw me at him.
I can do it, partner.

- No way, man. Too dangerous!
- Just do it!

Ah, watch my brain.

- Way to go, man.!
- Freeze, slimeball.

Don't make me chase you any further.

[Announcer]
And women find him irresistible.

Yes! You've got incredible hands and feet,
you animal you.

[Kissing]

[Moaning]

Oh, Detective Head...

I never dreamed
it could be like this.

You know what they say, baby. It's not what
a man's got, it's how he uses it that counts.

Stop tickling my feet.

The Head Detective.
Coming this spring to a theater near you.

♪♪ [Disco]

[Announcer] Cable access,
Channel , presents Men On Film.

[Applause]

- Hello, I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merrywether.

[Together]
And welcome to Men On Films.

- The show that looks at movies...
- From a male point of view.

Tonight's show is sponsored by...

Nuts & Honey.

- What did you say?
- Nuttin', honey.

I bet you can't eat just one.

I bet I could.

You're so crazy.

[Giggling]

Tonight we'll be wrapping up
the summer films.

First up is the box-office smash
Total Recall.

Yes, this is the movie
where muscle-bound Arnold Schwarzenegger...

goes in search of his past.

Just a hint, Arnold,
try looking in the closet.

[Snickers]

Next we have Betsy's Wedding.

[Together]
Hated it.

Then there's Ghost.

You know, Patrick Swayze
was the real standout in this film.

You know, I'd breathe life
into his spirit any day.

Even if I did have to go
through Whoopi Goldberg.

- Perish the thought.
- Yes, indeed.

Now we come to d*ck Tracy.

You know, I love the title,
but the movie just left me limp.

I know what you're saying.
This is... This is what I don't get.

All the characters fit their names.
You know, Flattop had a flattop.

Pruneface looked
just like a little prune.

But I never got the chance to see...
[Mouthing Words]

I know I wanted to.

What's wrong with you?

It's hot in here.

Oh. Then there's
Pretty Woman.

[Together]
Hated it.

- This one should have been called
A Fish Called Julia.
- Oooh.

Next, Eddie Murphy was back
in Another Hours.

You know, I'm sorry. This movie
just got off on the wrong track.

I feel that they should have spent
more time where the real story is.

- Mm-hmm.
- In the prisons.

I'd like to see more about them old sweaty mens
all together in them tiny little cells...

with no one to turn to
but each others.

Ooh, drop the soap.
I'll get it.

Hush.

- Really?
- You know I can wait.

Then we come to Spike Lee's
Mo'Better Blues.

I'm sorry. I didn't care for it.
It just didn't put no toot in my horn.

I'm sorry,
but I liked this one.

I mean, little Spike Lee
outdone himself this time.

He really stretched out
in a dual role...

as both the lead character's
manager and love interest.

Oh, he was okay
as the manager...

but, ooh, he just thrilled me to death
in those gripping love scenes...

with big old handsome
Denzel Washington.

What courage it must have taken
for little Spike Lee to take off them glasses...

and let that little hair
get knotty and say...

"Hey, this is me.
Here I am. See me, love me."

Hello! Put the car in park.

The love interest was played
by Spike Lee's little sister, Joi.

Well, touch me in the morning
and then just walk away.

I don't know. I think you should go see
this again, then you tell me who's who.

- Yeah, well, you can go without me.
- 'Toine.

Don't get mad.

- 'Toine.
- Okay.

Finally, we have Die Harder.
What a way to go!

Ninety minutes
with Mr. Bruce Willis.

Oh, yes. Don't tempt my tummy
with the taste of Nuts & Honey.

Crazy.

You know, the only thing I didn't
understand was all the v*olence in the film...

'cause the title
suggested a love story.

Mm-hmm.
I second that emotion.

I think this one still deserves
the new and improved...

[Together]
Two snaps, a twist and a kiss.

Stop. Can't touch this.

Well, that's our show.

Next week, we'll be looking at Air America,
starring Mel Gibson...

and little Robert DowneyJrs.

- Pilot to copilot, we're going down in flames.
- [Giggles]

[Together]
Bye, now.

♪♪ [Disco]

We'll see you next week.
Good night.

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪♪