02x18 - March 3, 1991

[bunniefuu]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me it's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

- ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ Everybody here
is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody, everybody
everybody, everybody ♪

- ♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine ♪

♪ In living c-c-c-olor♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me it's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do
in living color♪♪

[Audience Applauding]

I tell ya, these are the best damn
applications I've ever seen.

These two are gonna fit right in here
at the Dixie Hills Country Club.

Look at this...
Harvard graduates, champion skiers...

members of the Glee Club.

- [Dogs Growling]
- Show them in. Let's get
these formalities over with.

Excuse me. Uh, the kitchen entrance
is for the caddies.

Well, thanks, but we drive a Volvo.

And frankly, we'd rather keep it in
the parking lot. Wouldn't you say, Tom?

- That's right. You don't want
the you-know-who's to get it.
- That's right.

- Who are you?
- We're Tom and Tom, the Brothers brothers.

That's right.
We hope we're not late. It's just that, uh...

that initiation you put us
through was pretty tricky.

Those were the friendliest dogs
I've ever seen in my life.

- That was very clever of you.
- That's right.

And the guy with the billy club,
hey, he must be a method actor.

I've got some knots
on my noodle, there.

- You might want to feed those dogs, though.
- That's right.

Ah, but they had the friendliest
little smiles, all those teeth.

I haven't seen anything
like that in a long time.

I thought Gary Coleman
was on my arm.

I think we're ready
for the last step though.

We were practicing that handshake.
Let's show 'em, Tom.

- Whistle! Whistle! Whistle! Whistle! Whistle!
- [Whistling]

That's very inspiring, gentlemen, but
I don't think you fit in here. I really don't.

I mean, we're all Republicans,
and you're probablyJesse supporters.

You bet your last graham cr*cker
and, uh, Velveeta cheese.

That's right. I mean,
Jesse Helms is a great man.

Any Republican worth his weight
in Krugerrands would know that.

That's right. He's done a lot
for the tobacco industry.

Why, if it wasn't forJesse,
there'd be no cigarettes.

That's right. I mean, what would you do
after sex... smoke a ham?

[Both Laughing]

Smoked ham.

I was talking aboutJesseJackson.

Who?

- JesseJackson?
- Is he the one between Michael and Tito?

- Yeah. He plays the bongos, doesn't he?
- The one that kept the nose.

Look, do I have to spell it out for you people?
We don't want your kind around here.

Oh, here we go again, Tom.

Fargenoodle. Bull dookey.

- That's right. Don't blow your stack, man.
- No. Doodle noodles.

Double doodle noodles.
But don't blow your stack.

Well, l-I'm just sick and tired
of this kind of prejudice.

Listen here, pal. Just because we're
entertainers doesn't make us snobs.

That's right. We're people.

We are the world.

Kumbaya.

That is not what we meant.

So you're entertainers.

Well, then, you might want to meet,
uh, the club comedian.

Tom and Tom,
meet Billy Bob Baker.

- Billy Bob Baker.
- How you boys doin'?

Billy Bob Baker.
Billy Bob Baker.

Say, hey, I've got
a real corker for y'all.

What do you call a black man
in a three-piece suit?

- A defendant!
- Well, how'd you know that joke?

Know it? We wrote it.
We use it in our nightclub act.

Sure. Hey, I got one for you.
Why's all the aspirin white?

Because you want it
to work for you, don't you?

I got one! I got one!
I got one! I got one! I got one!

How do you babysit
a little black kid?

Velcro on the ceiling!

- Oh, darn! He knew it!
- They're fans of ours.

You know, Otis,
I think we should elect them.

- It may help us settle
that discrimination suit.
- Hmm.

Alrighty, then. Congratulations.

You're the new Dixie Hill
Country Club Toms!

Ooh!

Oh, thank you.
Oh, gosh. I'm speechless.

This is... This is the happiest day
of my life.

L-I haven't been this honored since I won
the Bryant Gumbel look-alike contest.

And I won the Byron Allen
look-alike contest.

Oh, gosh. I tell you what.
How about we sing about it, Tom?

- Yeah, let's do that.
- Howard?

- Howard?
- Coming right up, sir.

- Say.
- Is that Uncle Ben?

Hit it.

♪ If you need a token
then just count on us ♪

♪ We'll fulfill your quota
We won't make a fuss ♪

♪ Although our skin is dark
it's no problem, you see ♪

♪ Your golf balls and ours
are both white as can be ♪♪

Hello, I'm Oprah Winfrey.

And for those of you
who still don't get it...

I'm gonna show you one more time.

This is your brain.

This is your brain on dr*gs.

This is your brain on alcohol.

This is your brain on hard roll
with bacon and tomato.

Any questions?

Pathetic.

Just pathetic.

They don't have enough words to describe
how bad you guys were yesterday.

To say that you blow chunks
would be an understatement.

Roll the film.

So far so good, Cooper,
but here's where you lose it.

What the hell was that?

It was a touchdown dance, Coach.

You call that a touchdown dance?
I call that a hootenanny!

[All Laughing]

Shut up.! The rest of you
werejust as ridiculous.! Watch this.

Shut it off. Pathetic!

We're - , and we're still
the laughingstock of the entire league.

You need help, people!

So today we're gonna be working
with Guy Stemple from the city ballet.

Guy, they're all yours.

Thanks a lot, coach.

Much too wet.

What's with this guy, Coach?
I think he's a...

Choreographer, Peterson.
A choreographer.

He knows exactly what I am!

Now listen up, maggots!

For the next week, I am your mother,
your father, your sister and your brother.

I am your worst nightmare, misters!

Now let's go. Come on.
Up on your feet, everyone.! Come on.!

[Blows]

All right, let's go now!
It's one, two, three, four
and one, two, three, four.

And kick ball right. There you go.
Now sashay to the left. Come on.

- [Blows]
- [Panting]

Swim! Swim! Come on!
Come on, swim!

- You can do it! Come on!
- [Sobbing]

- I can't do it!
- You can do this!

All right, now come on.
Let's glaze the doughnut. Glaze. And glaze.

And glaze. And glaze.
All right, sprinkle on those jimmies.

Come on.
Sprinkle thosejimmies on.

[Chuckles]

What are you guys doin'... [Sighs]

Look, if you guys don't want it,
then I don't, all right?

It's just that I promised myself
that... that I wouldn't...

[Sighs] Just forget it, all right?

I am out of here!

- Can we try it again?
- What?

I said, uh, can we try it again?

[Sighs] All right, now look.
What I need you guys to do...

[Guy] Now let's sell the sizzle
as well as the steak.!

Come on, guys. The guy up in
seat triple "Z"paid for a ticket.

Let's give him a show.!

Fellas, if we do this on Sunday...

we are really gonna be something.

[Cheering]

[Man On P.A.] Peterson's open.!
He makes the catch.!

He's on the , the ,
the five.! Touchdown.!

All right! Whoo-hoo!
You sweet baby!

I knew you loved us! I knew it!

♪♪ [Disco]

♪♪ [Man Singing]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Cheering]

[Man] We never won another game...

but Guy's memory is a flame
that will sizzle in our hearts...

[Sniffles] forever.

Now, Lil Magic, forget
what that director said...

'cause tonight you got to
get on the good foot, baby...

'cause there's a big talent agent
sittin' right out there in the audience...

- and this is our big chance.
- Don't worry, Mama.

This time I'm gonna get discovered
and I'm gonna make lots of money...

- and I'm gonna get our lights turned back on...
- Uh, Lil Magic.

- And I'm gonna buy some new lard
to fry the chicken in...
- Uh, Lil Magic.

- And I'll pay to get the other
half of your weave done...
- Oh, hush up!

- Sorry, Mama.
- Oh, that's okay, baby.

Just follow Mama's cue, hear?
I'm gonna be right in the front row.

- Okay, Mama.
- Stand up straight.

Move!

I'm so glad you could
make it, Mr. Conrad.

Well, it's my job to find talent
and I've heard your son has a lot of it.

Oh, that little Chicken McNugget
couldn't act his way out a paper bag!

Everybody know my Lil Magic
is the one that got the real talent.

Start the show!

[Whistling]

The Fulton County Community
Project proudly presents...

Please, Mama, Don't Eat
the Government Cheese.

What? Laid off again?

Woman, don't start with me!

But that's the sixth time this month!
What are we supposed to eat?

Come on, baby,
now don't worry.

This is America...
land of milk and honey.

We can always eat
that government cheese.

Oh, that's right! I forgot about that
government cheese!

What? Again? But this is
the fifth time in a row.

Please, Mama.
Don't eat the government cheese.

- [Screams]
- Hi! I'm the government cheese!

- Who's that?
- That's my Lil Magic, only the most "talentedest"...

"brilliantedest," cheesiest little
lady in the whole wide universe, that's who.

And Miss Smile Bright ! See!

He came here to see my little boy.

Oh. This is his big solo.

♪ It might look like Velveeta ♪

♪ But please, Mom... ♪♪

♪ And I am telling you ♪

[Both Singing]

- Yeah!
- ♪ You're the best man I'll ever know ♪

- Do it like I told you, baby!
- [Lil Magic Singing]

- ♪♪ [Ends]
- Oh, you ain't leavin' yet.
She's just gettin' started.

Yo, Magic! Do your MichaelJackson, baby!
Do your MichaelJackson!

♪♪ [Pop]

All right now, baby.
Pick up the Frigidaire, honey.

Pick up the Frigidaire, baby.
There you go.

Now do your Moonwalk.!
Do your Moonwalk, Lil Magic.
There you go.

Do the somersault! Somersault, honey!
The somersault!

There you go! [Laughing]

Now saw yourself in half.
Lil Magic, saw yourself in half.

You can't.! No, no, no, baby.!
Baby, baby, you can't do that.!

- Now I ask, you ever seen
something so wonderful?
- [Gasping]

I've never seen anything
like that in my life!

- Thank you, Mama.
- You were so wonderful.

I got somebody here
want to meet you!

- Mama, you think he liked me?
- Oh, yeah.

- He was scared of you.
- Oh, I knew it! I knew it!

Now I'm gonna get my own TV show
called The Lil Magic of Bel Air.

- Uh, Lil Magic...
- Uh-huh. And they're
gonna fly me to Hollywood...

on a big plane that says Lil Magic.

- Uh, Lil Magic...
- Then I'm gonna put my feet
and hands in Grauman's Theater...

- Oh, hush up!
- Sorry, Mama.

Oh, that's all right, baby. Now go
and catch him before he get in his car.

- Now watch out
for the first hurdle!
- ♪♪ [Singing]

♪♪ [Man Singing]

♪♪ [Man Rapping]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

All right, children.
I want everybody to settle down...

because with us today
is Fire Marshall Bill.

And he's gonna be teaching us about safety
in the classroom, okay? Fire Marshall Bill!

- Howdy, kids!
- Howdy, Fire Marshall Bill!

I know what you're thinking. We're all
perfectly safe in this classroom, right?

- Right!
- Wrong!

Just about everything you see
in here is a potential hazard.

Let me show you something.

Lets just say you're changin'
the water in this here fish t*nk...

and you accidentally fill it
with gasoline, like so.

Later that night
the janitor comes in...

there's a power outage,
he lights himself a match and...

Boom! He's cooking fish sticks!

Now here's another all-too-common danger
in the classroom...

the movie projector.

Sure looks like fun...

but it can be very, very deadly.

Now, let's just say you're
the audio-visual helper for the day.

You go to plug this baby in and you just happen
soaking your bunions in a bucket of water.

[Yelling]

[expl*si*n]

Oh, my gosh!
I hope he's okay!

Never better.

Now let's talk about C.P.R.

Drop and roll!
Your hand's on fire!

So it is.
Well, then, drop and roll is a good idea.

But suppose you got
a handful of thumbtacks...

and you accidently
roll over them like so?

[Yelling]

Now the fire is out,
but you look like Hellraiser.

Say! You kids did
a nifty job on this mural.

Shall we study
its basic elements?

You've got paper
and you've got paint.

A deadly combination!

Let me show you something.

Let's just say,
for the sake of argument...

that the Earth is being occupied by strange
crab-like creatures from another planet.

One of them needs a light. You whip out
your Zippo, you flick your wick.

Somebody says, " Look!
It's Yoko Ono on a moped!"

And boom!
You're off to the races!

- Now how do we put this out?
- Uh, smother it with a blanket?

You could do that, that's for sure.
Anybody else?

Um, you could ask the crab-like
people for assistance?

Get real, big kid!
How about you, missy?

- Get a fire extinguisher!
- Excellent, Miss Tompkins,
but let's give the kids a chance.

No! The classroom is on fire!
Kids, come on!

So it is.
Everybody remain calm!

I am a Fire Marshall!

By the way, what's on
the other side of this wall?

[All] The chemistry lab!

- Uh-oh!
- [expl*si*n]

[Sirens Blaring]

It's okay, children.
All the kids have been accounted for.

- Our school, it's gone!
- [Girl] Yeah.

When will they ever learn?

Oh, well.

Who wants marshmallows?

- Yeah!
- We need sticks.

Sticks? [Laughing]

Not when you're with
Fire Marshall Bill you don't.

- Let me show you something.
- [Whistle Blows]

Thanks for hanging out
with us tonight.

We got... We got a special
treat for you.

Our guests come all the way from Atlanta,
Georgia, on the Motown recording label.

Uh, in the ' s,
there was theJacksons...

then came New Edition,
then came The Boys.

So tell 'em who we got here tonight.

- Another Bad Creation.
- Another Bad Creation.

Yo, .
A.B. C... Another Bad Creation.

Kickin' it on In Living Color.
So stamp it, you suckers!

This is for all you ladies.

♪♪ [Singing]

- Yeah!
- Say yeah!

- Yeah!
- Somebody scream!

♪♪ [Continues]

Come on!

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]