02x17 - February 24, 1991

[bunniefuu]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me It's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

- ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody, everybody
everybody, everybody ♪

- ♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine ♪

♪ In living c-c-c-olor♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me It's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do
in living color♪♪

[Audience Applauding, Cheering]

♪♪ [Rock]

The Prison Cable Network
proudly presents...

Win, Lose or Draw...

with your host, , Angel Martinez.!

- [Music Ends]
- Ay, ay, ay, ay!

All right! Ay!
Gracias, Warden Thomas.

Tonight's a very special night for us
because...

I'm going to give you hint.
¡Muchachas.!

- [Howling, Whistling]
- The women...

of the Cleveland Highlands
Correctional Facility are here
to play our game with us.

- So, first, let's meet the ladies.
- [Men Howling]

First up, there's Blaze.

[Cheering, Applause]

That's one hot mama.

Next is Lobotomy.

She spends her free time
volunteering for medical experiments.

And last, but not least, Buster.

[Cheering, Applause]

You might know her last husband.
He sings soprano for the prison choir.

- Nothing wrong with that, man!
- [Laughing]

Now, are you ready
to meet our reigning champions?

Even though you might know them,
I'll do it again, okay?

First up, Charlie.

[Cheering, Applause]

- Next, Tiny.
- Ha ha ha...

Tiny! Right!

And of course, Big Hector.

[Charlie]
Groovy, Hector.!

Oh, and of course,
next to Big Hector, like always, Chicken.

[Charlie Clucking]

- [Cheering, Applause]
- Now let's play the game.

We'll start with the ladies, okay?
Hey, Blaze, come on.

- Go on, Blaze.! Go on. Whoo.!
- Hey, Blaze...

why don't you tell us
a little bit of something about yourself?

Well, Angel, I collect matchbooks...

I love to barbecue...

and my idea of a romantic evening...

is to curl up
in front of a blazing building.

Ay yi yi yi yi!

Huh? Is it just me or am I getting
really, really hot? [Laughs]

Sounds great.
Okay, let's begin, okay?

Our first clue will be an emotion.

Rage.! A-Anger.!

- [Angel] No, no, no, no.
- No, no! Bloodlust!

- Bloodlust.!
- No, I think more of...
it's a happy emotion, okay?

Total numbness.

I have to have you, Buster!
I want you!

- Vasectomy!
- Never mind.

Uh, Rupture? Rupture.!

A hernia! A ruptured hernia!

No, no, no. It's a happy emotion.
Anyone?

- Take the blue pills?
- [Buzzer]

Time's up.
Guys, can you steal this one?

- [Chattering]
- Is it...

the satisfaction
of stabbing a guard times?

- [Bell Dinging]
- That's it, man!

- [Men Howling]
- [Chattering]

Stabbing a guard times!
I should have got that one!

- Now, Charlie, come up, man.
- All right, man.

Hey, Charlie,
have you done a lot of drawing?

Not really, man.
I've done a lot of sculpture, though.

Mostly, I like to carve human figures.

- [Cackling]
- Ay yi yi yi yi.

- Oh.
- Okay, Charlie...

let me tell you a little bit
about this puzzle, okay?

Wait a second!

- Is it a place?
- Yes. How... How do you know that?

I'm right inside your head.
[Giggles]

Oh.! Oh, I got this one.
Uh, is it a... a... a woman?

No. A buxom woman.

No. A buxom woman with big breastesses?

I said a place, man!

- A woman with really, really
big breastesses in a place?
- [Buzzer]

Uh, no, no.
Ladies, can you steal this one?

The Continental United States?

- That's it, man! The Continental United States.
- [Bell Dinging]

You guys should have got that one, man.
You guys weren't even thinking, man.

I think if you look again...

it's really a woman with two big breasts
in a place.

Oh, yes, yes. As a matter of fact, he's right.
She's right in Florida.

I didn't see her.
Big Hector's team wins again.

- I'm very sorry.
- [Bell Dinging]

- [Cheering]
- [Grumbling]

That's bull crap!
[Shouting, Indistinct]

I want you, Buster!
I got to have you, baby!

- I gotta...
- Put your head between your legs.

I want you Lobotomy! I got to have you!
[Laughing Maniacally]

- I want you!
- Just breathe. Just breathe, man!

Just breathe.

Okay. Now what this means is
is that Big Hector's team...

advances to the speed round, okay?

All right. Now, they'll have seconds
to name Hector's four pictures.

Okay. Come on, Big Hector!
Come up here. Come on.

- Come on, guys!
- Yeah!

[Charlie]
Let's establish a psychic link.!

- Vehicular homicide?
- [Bell Dings]

Yeah!

The dog that told me to sh**t Rick Dees!

- [Bell Dinging]
- [Tiny] Yeah.!

Oh! I know this. Oh.
Oh, Uh, a woman with big breastesses...

uh, on Golden Pond!

- [Bell Dings]
- [Tiny] Yeah.!

Uh, I got this. Uh, birds flying over a woman
with... with big breastesses?

- [Bell Dings]
- Yeah! Yeah!

- [Cheering, Applause]
- [Shouting, Indistinct]

Off of you!

All right! That means your team
has guessed all four of them.

Warden Thomas, can you tell them
what beautiful gifts they have won?

- ♪♪ [Rock]
- [Warden] Well, Big Hector's team...

you've each won an elegant personal
grooming kit from the prison supply house.

And for the prisoner who has everything...

but doesn't want to give it up...
Soap on a Rope.

All right.! Well, that's it.

I hope you enjoyed it.

That's it for Win, Lose or Draw.

Until tomorrow, this is Angel saying...

"Keep drawing, even if it's only scratch marks
on the inside of your cell wall."

♪♪ [Rock Continues]

I know why you're ignoring me.

It's because I'm just little Marsha Warfield.

But you see, Todd, I'm drinking milk.

And when you drink milk...

it helps to build your bones
and make your body stronger.

That way I won't always
be little Marsha Warfield.

In fact, if I keep drinking milk...

one day,
I'm going to be big Marsha Warfield.

You understand what I'm saying, sucker?

As a matter of fact, I think when I am...

I'm just gonna kick the livin' crap out of you.

Come over here. Where you get off...

ignoring me all these years...

huh, you little punk?

Don't you know how sexy I am?

[Announcer]
Milk... it does a body real good.

And so the progress up to this point...

has been about what we expected...

and we expect this progression
to progress the way we expect it to...

at least, that is, our expectation
as to this point in the overall progress.

- Are there any more questions?
- We have heard rumors
of massive troop movements.

Can you tell us anything about that?

I can neither confirm nor deny that. Next?

Why do you still consider men missing...

when we've all seen them
as prisoners of w*r on TV?

I believe I didn't answer that question
at yesterday's briefing.

- Is the gulf still being mined?
- Admiral Keating?

Could you repeat the question, please?

- Is the gulf still being mined?
- Could you repeat it again, please?

- Is the gulf still being mined?
- No comment.

Can you give us any more information
on the b*mb damage assessment?

I believe we have a video
to help illustrate this.

As you can clearly see,
this is a plane flying somewhere.

It drops something and something happens.

There is a thing there. And then afterwards,
there may or may not be a thing there.

I hope that clears everything up.

I have a two-part question.

What would it take to end the w*r...

and will the U.S. Accept a post-w*r Iraq...

with S*ddam Hussein still in power?

I think I can answer that in two ways.
Number one...

that's for me to know and you to find out.

And number two,
ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies...

your nose is big enough
for a girl twice your size.

Would you ever use nuclear weapons?

I'm not gonna tell, your feet smell...

ask me again, you can go to hell.

That's about all the questions
we have time not to answer today.

The attachés will be
handing out printed copies...

of all the information we didn't give you.

There will be another briefing tomorrow...

and we will be prepared to not answer
any more questions you have then.

- Sir, what time?
- We'd rather not say.

This has been
a particularly non-informative briefing.

We'll be right back to recap
everything they didn't say...

next on C.N.N.

♪♪ [Hip-Hop]

You said yourself you don't know
how to speak to these people.

This guy is from here.
They trust him.

He speaks their language.

[Sighs]
Well...

I guess B.B. King worked for Atwater.

Okay, let's do it.

[Chanting]
Helmsly! Helmsly! Helmsly!

[Cheering]

Hey, y'all!
[Chuckles]

I've been your senator now
for about seven years...

and, uh, with a little help from you...

I'll be your senator
for another seven years.

- How about that?
- [Cheering]

Sure, you can applaud for that!

You know,
I could go on forever out here...

but I think it's time
for a little musical entertainment.

I'd like to introduce
a very talented songwriter...

and a dear, dear friend of mine...

Mr. Calhoun Tibbs!

Thank you!
Thank you very much. All right!

Thank you. All right. Thank you.

And the name is Tubbs.
Thank you very much.

- About time you changed that.
- Ladies and gentlemen...

I ain't runnin' for no public office...

so I can tell the truth.

Now, look here,
I've been in this neighborhood over years.

Seen 'em come and go. And I done known
the senator ever since he first come up.

See, to make it in politics,
you got to have a gimmick.

The senator got him a gimmick... me.

Matter of fact, he started my career
by giving me my first job.

Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.

♪ I shined Senator Helmsly's
shoes for a penny ♪

♪ Ain't never got paid
Uh-huh ♪

Thank you very much. All right.

All right. Now, you know what?

I know some of y'all say the good senator
don't care about the little people.

But I know that ain't true...

'cause this man here, he own five buildings
right here in this neighborhood.

And he always take a personal interest...

in every one of his tenants.

Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.

♪ Now, the senator
is my landlord ♪

♪ I seen him throw old ladies
out in the gutter, uh-huh ♪

- [Murmuring]
- Thank you very much! All right!

[Laughs]
But look here. You know what?

I always tell the little babies...

"Stay off the junk and you'll go far."

See, that's what's so amazing
about this man right here.

From the minute he took office...

he always got himself
personally involved in the w*r on the dr*gs.

He even started his own drug program.

I ain't write no song about that,
but I think I could right now.

Like to hear it? Here it go.

♪ The senator
knows about dr*gs ♪

♪ He been a dope-head
for years♪

- ♪ Uh-huh ♪
- [Commotion]

- Thank you very much!
- Wait a minute.

Uh, that does not effect
my decision-making in any way.

Now, you know what? I know
some of y'all done heard them nasty rumors...

about the senator
running around with other women.

But I'm here to tell you,
now I know for a fact that ain't true.

That is not true.
That senator would never touch no female.

Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.

♪ The senator don't fool around
with no women ♪

♪ He prefers men
who dress in leather ♪

- ♪ Uh-huh ♪
- [Commotion]

Thank you very much! All right.

They were all consenting adults!

- Everyone of them!
- [Booing]

- [Mumbling]
- [Talking, Indistinct]

[Booing Continues]

Just go and have a seat.

[Exhales Deeply]

Thank you for your deposit here
at First Intrastate Sperm Bank.

- Okay, nobody move! This is a hold up!
- Hey! Wha... What?

- Hey. Listen...
- No, you listen!

I'm your worst nightmare.

I'm , I'm childless, and I'm ovulating!

So you give me Denzel Washington's
deposit right now!

Listen, um, um, l-I'm sorry...

but Denzel Washington
doesn't have an account here.

Look, uh, we've got Milli Vanilli.

That could be anybody's!
What else you got?

- Listen, we've gotJames Worthy somewhere.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You and everybody else! Now, stop stalling!

You know, there are more conventional ways
to go about this.

And I've tried them all!
I tried the personal ads.

I tried the prison pen pals.

Girl, I was on the Love Connection
five times...

and only four percent
of the audience voted for me.

Well, l-I'm sure it's gonna be okay.

- Just... We'll cooperate, just relax. Calm down.
- [Car Horn Honking]

All right, Mama! I'm coming! Just wait!

Look, you don't understand, girl.

My biological time clock
went off two years ago. Two years ago!

So if I don't leave here with some swollen ankles
and a pickle in my mouth...

I'm gonna take out the whole sports collection.

Hey, hey. Why don't you just take me
and let the specimens go free?

Oh, yeah. That's what I need, huh?

Some man
whose idea of a romantic evening...

is sittin' home pickin' out his toe jam?

Oh, come on, lady! Just take him and go!

We was having so much fun
till you showed up!

I'm ain't leaving with nobody
who's dating a Dixie cup!

Go ahead, rub it in!

You know, I haven't been with a woman
in a long time, all right?

My water bed has barnacles growing on it!

You know how boring my life is?
I saw you on Love Connection all five times.

- Hell, I even voted for you!
- You did?

Except for the time your mother
came up and backhanded Chuck,
but, I mean, other than that...

- And you like me? You really like me?
- You know that's right.

Excuse me. Do you think you can please
take this elsewhere? This is a place of business.

- Oh, baby. Yeah.
- Come on. Let's get out of here.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[Machine g*n Fire]

I just saved the world from another generation
of New Kids on the Block.

♪♪ [Hip-Hop]

[Cheering, Applause]

Told ya. We were back in two and two.

Welcome back to Love Connection.

If I'm not Chuck Woolery,
why am I sleeping with his wife?
[Laughing]

Let's meet our next couple,
back to tell us how their date went.

She's a controversial comedienne
who knows what she wants from a guy...

Andrea Dice Clay!

[Applause, Cheering]

- Hi, Andrea.
- Yeah. Kiss, kiss.

Hey, Chuck, I, uh,
made a little rhyme for you backstage.

It goes something like this.

Chuck, Chuck, bo-buck,
banana-fanna-fo...

- Okay!
- Whatever.

He considers himself a sensitive guy...

and a man who treats his date like a lady...

even though he's a major movie star.

Say hello to Patrick Swayze!

[Cheering, Applause]

Hello, Chuck.

I just want to say
that I watch this show often and, well...

I love you, man.

That's great, Patrick.

Andrea might be a little more receptive
to that love, however.

- What about it, Andrea?
- Chuck, you know something...

I'm not looking for love, you know?

Just sh... [Beep]
And get out the [Beep] outta my face.

See? It's that very attitude
that made our date such a disaster, Chuck.

What disaster?
I thought it went pretty good.

I mean, we both finished. Ho!

How did the date begin, Pat?

I wanted to take her dancing.

- I like to think of myself
as a pretty good dancer.
- Mm-hmm.

- I was the star of Dirty Dancing and...
- Yeah.

You call that dancing?

In that case, my dog does plenty of dancing
with my couch pillows...

only he's got a [Beep],
you know what I'm saying?

See what I mean, Chuck?
She's an animal!

Oh, stop your whining and complaining.

I'm the one with the carpet burns
on my [Beep]...

for crying out loud!

She's got a point there, Pat.

Hey, I got two of'em, Chuckie.
I seen you looking. What?

- Maybe we should turn up the heat in the studio.
- [Chuckles]

Chuck, I'm into martial arts.

- I've got an incredible body.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm practically a god,
with these streaks and tips in my hair.

- Yeah.
- But I'm also sensitive.

- Mm.
- I only wanted to show Miss Clay...

the finer points of the city.

Oh, come on! I showed you places
on your ceiling you ain't ever seen.

- Ho!
- Well, it looks like Andrea...

wanted Patrick
to live up to his screen image...

while Patrick obviously expected
to date within his own species.

I'm killin' myself.

Let's see who our audience picked for Andrea.

Was it Patrick, Pete Townshend...

or GraceJones?

Well, the audience still picked Patrick...

so if you two'd like to go out again,
we'll pay for it.

Sure, what the hell.
I'll do honey buns again...

if he'll cut his hair in a flat top...

so I got someplace to set my drink...

when [Beep], you know what I'm saying?

What?

Looks like it's up to you, Patrick.

Do you want to go out with Andrea again?

- My mama didn't raise no quitter, Chuck.
- Well, there you have it.

See you next week. In the meantime...

may all of your dates be major
and your carpet burns be minor.

[Cheering, Applause]

[Cheering, Applause]

Skippy, could you do us a favor?

- Tell them what to do.
- [Laughs]

[Shrill Squawking]

- [Laughing]
- [Cheering, Applause]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪