02x02 - September 30, 1990

[bunniefuu]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me It's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

- ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ Everybody here
is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody here
is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody, everybody
everybody, everybody ♪

- ♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine ♪

♪ In living c-c-c-olor♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do
in living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me It's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do
in living color♪♪

- [Applause, Cheering]
- Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.

Thank you. Thank you,
and welcome to In Living Color.

Tonight's a special night on the show.
We had a local radio contest...

and the winner got a chance to come on
the show and meet their favorite performer.

And, well, they chose me.

So, let's give a big round of applause
to our winnerJamil Hassan.

- [Applause, Cheering]
- Come on out, Jamil.

Hey, how's it going?

You know,
I love the way you do Anton.

And you're so funny on "Men On Film."

Well, Jamil, actually, um,
that's my brother Damon who does that stuff.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You're the coolest deejay. I can't believe
that you get to hang with the Fly Girls.

Well, see, uh, actually, that's, um...
[Clears Throat]

That's Shawn, um, who's the deejay.

Right, right.
How could I be so stupid?

- Oh, it's all right.
- You do an amazing Tracy Chapman.

No. No, um, actually, that's, um...

that's my sister Kim that does Tracy Chapman.

Well, who the hell are you?

- I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
- Who?

The guy... The guy who put the whole thing
together. The executive producer.

- You're the man in charge.
- Yes, yes.

That's right. That's me.
I'm the man in charge.

- You're the boss.
- The boss. Now you got it, Jamil.

There you go. That's what I do.
I'm the boss.

Here's a pen and paper.

[Chuckles]
Now, what would you like?

Could you get me their autographs?

Sure.

♪♪ [Hip-Hop]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪♪

Next!

Vrrooom.

Is this the Army Recrucification Office, sir?

Now, you probably
want the Eternal Life Mission.

It's down the street and around the block.

No, I've come to be all I can be...

'cause I've been what I've been
and it ain't paying too well.

- Let me ask you something, boy.
- Huh?

What do you think you have to offer the army?

Well, I'm glad you ask, sir.

See, 'cause I'm an entertainer, you know?

If you gave me $ ...

I could go over to Salty Armenia...

and entertain the troops, see?

'Cause I'm a regular
boogie-woogie bugle boy of Company "B."

I'm a boogie-woogie bugle boy...
Compan...

Here. Camouflage that for me.

Now, listen to me. I am in the business
of signing up real live soldiers, maggot!

Maggot?
Hey, I ain't no maggot.

Hey, I ain't never been
with another man before.

Who told you that, Clarence?
He's lying. He's lying. I'm telling you.

All right, once. I was desperate.

I needed the money. I was drunk
and down out. Don't hold it against me.

I don't have time for this!
I'm in the middle of a rapid deployment!

Well, I'm in the middle of unemployment,
so we got something in common.

- You know, as much as I would
love to send you over to Iraq...
- Mm-hmm.

I don't think you'd last minutes.

Okay, just for instance...

what would you do if you had to engage
the enemy in hand-to-hand combat?

[Sniffles]
That's no problem, see...

'cause I'm skilled in the Martian arts.

I know tai chi. Whaa!

I know tae kwon-do.
[Yapping]

And I know Tyrone.
He taught me all that stuff.

You know, like how to take a rope.

Just a simple rope...
anything becomes a w*apon.

You take that out and...
[Mumbles]

Oh, that's the secret w*apon there.

Ewww.

Oh, my God. What is that smell?

Well, that was a sample of my nerve gas.

All right, all right. That does it.
Get out of here. Go on! Get out of here!

Well, wait a second. Hold on.

- Wait a minute, uh, Uncle Sambo.
- Hey, hey, hey.

I want to serve my country.

Look, I'll give you $ if you just get out of here
and forget you ever heard about the army.

- Come on! Take it!
- Well, the guy down at the navy office
gave me...

- Ah, here's $ .
- Well, the guy at the coast guard...

All right, here's $ .Just go!

$ , get you $ .
$ ? $ ? $ ? $ ?

- Sold! $ !
- Hey, hey, hey!

- ♪♪ [Harpsichord]
- It's time for Training Men
the Wodehouse Way.

[British Accent]
Hello. I'm Barbara Wodehouse.

You know, men are like dogs.

They scratch, they chase tail...

and they're always doing things
like licking your face...

when you wish they'd just curl up
and go to sleep at the foot of the bed.

I've taken the lessons I've learned
from taming dogs and applied them to men...

because, you know, if you train a man properly,
you can keep him for a lifetime.

Tonight, we have three couples who have
volunteered to share their problems with us.

- And your name, dear, is?
- Alison.

Hello, Alison.
And your man's name is?

- Tom.
- Tom. What a good boy.

- Yes, you are. What a good boy.
- Guess so.

You have to encourage them, you see, dear?
Now tell us what your problem is.

- Well, the thing with Tom
is every time we go out...
- Yes?

Tom will go through the door,
slam the door tightly behind him...

and leave me standing out in the cold.

Now, I've talked to him about it several times.

- And it hasn't worked, has it?
- No, it hasn't.

No, it seldom does. It seldom does work.

- What sort of collar are you using, dear?
- Collar?

Yes. Well, judging from Tom's size
and his temper...

I would recommend
a number-seven Wilson adjustable spiked.

What we're going to do
is keep the leash straight up in the air.

We jerk them and we love them.
You see? We jerk them and we love them.

Now, let's you and I go for a nice walk,
shall we, Tom?

Come now. Walkies. Walkies.

That's right. There we go.
Right through the door.

There we are, dear. Walkies.

Tom, you're going through the door
with a lady.

You see?
You're going through the door with a lady.

Try it again, shall we?
Walkies. Walkies.

Tom!

Tom! I said you're going through the door
with a lady.

Yes? Try it again, shall we?

Walkies. Walkies.

After you, ma'am?

- Now, why don't you
hold the door open for me, Tom?
- Sure.

Alison, see how simple it is?
Now, why don't you take Tom
for a nice walk in the park?

There you are. Off you go, children.
Walkies. Walkies.

Next couple, please.

Now, Rebecca has a common problem,
haven't you, dear?

Yes. My man leaves the toilet seat up.

Oh, my. You're a naughty boy, aren't you?
Yes, you are.

Now, do you use a magazine or newspapers
to discipline your man?

Well, nothing really. L... l...

- You know, I find that magazines
have just a little more sting.
- Hey! Cut it out!

A little more crispness.
Now, let's you and I walk over here, dear.

Yes, we're going to touch the toilet bowl.

- You ain't gonna hit me
with that magazine again, are you?
- Oh, no.

- I was just having a little fun. Yes.
- Hey!

- Now touch the bowl.
It's not going to bite you.
- It's cold.

It certainly is. But we women have
found that out the hard way, haven't we?

- Yes.
- We certainly have.

All right, now close your eyes and sit down.

- [Huffs] It's a piece of cake.
- That's right.

There we go. And in we go.

- What the hell's wrong with you?
- That's what happens to women...

when naughty men leave the seat up.

We fall in, don't we?
Now, in the future...

you're going to put the toilet seat down,
aren't you?

Aren't you? Yes, you are, dear.

Yes, you are. Now off you go.

- All cured, dear. There you are.
- Thank you.

Now, Karen here
has the most difficult problem of all.

Yeah, yeah.
Well, apparently, no matter what I do...

Harold can't seem to
stop looking at other women.

- Oh, my goodness.
- That's the problem.

Let us judge the severity
of the problem thusly...

Susan, would you walk through now, dear?

Do you see what I mean?

I most certainly do.
You're a little rascal, aren't you?

Yes, you are. You're a little rascal.

In a case like this, I normally prescribe...

a prosthetic cone-shaped collar which
severely limits the movement of the neck.

Say, say, say!
What the hell you doing?

You be a good boy
and I'll give you a biscuit.

- Would you get out of my face, you ugly heifer?
- Oh, my!

- I'm leaving, baby.
- This won't do. This won't do.

[Bzzt]

- What did you do?
- Well, now, don't be alarmed, dear.

I simply stunned him. You see?

But, you know, I would, in future,
consider putting him to sleep.

- I believe he's got rabies. Yes.
- Really?

Well, you know, Karen,
why don't you and I go down to the...

How would you say?
Um, discotheque...

and find you another man, shall we?

Walkies. Walkies. That's right.

This has been
Training Men the Wodehouse Way.

- ♪ For the land of the brave ♪
- You've seen her special version
of the national anthem.

Now hear
other patriotic tunes...

butchered by your favorite slob,
Roseanne Barr, in her new video album.

See Roseanne as she scratches
her crotch or hocks a big loogie.

- She spits, she scratches, she belches.
- ♪ Oh, beautiful ♪

[Singing Poorly]
♪ For spacious skies ♪

♪ For amber waves of grain... ♪

The way her singing stinks,

you'd swear
she's done something worse.

But nothing could be worse
than Roseanne Sings America.

♪ Above the fruited plain ♪♪

Hey, look.
That's just the way I sing.

If you don't like it,
you can kiss "My Country 'Tis ofThee."

Roseanne Sings America.

It will leave a lump in your throat,
but not for very long.

- [Telephone Ringing]
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up?

- Yeah, hello, Luther?
- Yeah, what's up, Phil?
Phil, from the record company.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm just calling to see...

how the Live Crew song for the new
We Are The World album is coming.

It's going pretty good, Phil. I'm putting
the finishing touches on the song right now.

All right. That's good.

Luther, I know we went over this before...

but remember,
this is a charity album for world hunger.

- No vulgarity.
- [Jabbers] I know.

I got a seven-year-old baby girl right here,
man. I'm going to write this song for her.

Good. Good.
I'll see you in the studio tomorrow.

Hey, that's a dollar bet.
Yeah. Later, man.

[Clears Throat]
All right, let me see what I got here.

[Snorts, Clears Throat]
Now...

It's winter in the city
and the streets are white with snow.

There ain't a creature stirring,
except a mangy old stank ho...

bo. Hobo.

[Jabbers]
All right. Yeah.

That's easier than I thought, Luther.
All right. Okay, okay. Now, here we go.

Uh, he's living in the subway
and he's feeling kind of sick.

He says, my God it's cold,
I'm going to freeze...

off my trick elbow.

No, I'll come back to that later.

All right, I got homeless man.
He's in the snow.

What's he do? What's he see?
Uh... Oh, I got it, I got it.

He goes into a shelter.

And he sees some cute little kitties.

But the host says, " Don't you pet those.

Come here..."

Don't go there, Luther. Easy now.

You can keep it clean.

"Come pet my doggy...

that was born in the Twin Cities."

No, that don't work.
Let me back up. Let me back up.

He looks around the shelter...

and he smells a fresh-baked cookie batch.

But the ho won't let him eat them.

She says, " Here come eat the cake...

I baked from scratch."

That doesn't make sense, but it's clean. Okay.

So, you need just one more line.
Let's keep going.

The hobo falls asleep in bed.
His covers are all tucked.

But the ho won't let him sleep...

The conclusion of this sketch has
unfortunately been banned in the U.S.A.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Man Singing]

♪♪ [Ends]

Next!

Listen, do you mind if I go first?

I've got to get back to the stock exchange
before : .

Oh, sure, let you go
embezzle your millions...

while I struggle to get by
off of minimum wage.

I don't think so.

Homey don't play that.

- Sit down.
- I don't feel like it.

I said sit down!

- Name.
- Homey D. Clown.

Oh, yes. Herman Simpson.

We know all about you.

I'm Sally.
I'm your new parole officer.

- What's that, Sally?
- It's your file.

Let's see. " Abusive language,
failure to perform prescribed..."

Save your breath.
That's just another long list of lies...

perpetrated by the man
to keep a brother down.

Clown, please.
Let's place the blame where it belongs.

I believe your anti-social behavior
is the real problem.

I'll tell you what the real problem is.

- The real problem is you're
nothing but a tool of the man.
- You are living in a fantasy.

- Another oppressor.
- You wanna blame everybody but yourself!

- You want to break the rules
and stay out of jail!
- You don't care about me!

[In Unison]
I don't think so.

♪♪ [Melodramatic Classical]

[Snaps]

[Clown Horn Honking]

[Horn Continues Honking]

- Yeah!
- It's Homey the clown!

- Hey, Homey, does your nose squeak?
- Girl, don't touch my nose.

- Hey, clowny, do a stupid clown trick.
- Yeah!

- I'd love to.
- Herman!

- Come on.!
- Yeah, come on.!

Okay, children.
Just one stupid clown trick.

- Yeah!
- Yea!

Look at Homey's flower.
Smell Homey's flower.

[Squeals]

- [Laughing]
- Okay, run along, little children.

See? He's a stupid weak clown.

Now, that's more like
the Herman I want to see.

He kicked me in my behind, honey.

Oh, that's all right. Because you're
starting to act like a real person.

By the way, Mama's coming over on Monday.

And Wednesday you start your new job.

But I got a job, honey bunch.

I'm a clown, remember?

You're not a clown. You're a buffoon.

I'm talking about a real job, Herman.

An entry level position at that
fancy new restaurant I told you about.

- Not Chez Whitey.
- Yes.

Look. It's high time
you stopped playing the fool.

Get yourself out of that ridiculous outfit
and into a regular suit.

You know, Herman, I can just picture it.

You wearing one of those
nice little red valetjackets.

If you're faithful and humble...

and do exactly what the man tells you...

that means no hostility...

they might even
let you inside the restaurant.

The time has come for you
to fit into society.

Come on, Herman,
give it up and join the establishment.

- The establishment, huh?
- Yes.

You want me to put on a little monkey suit
and park cars for the man, huh?

Maybe if I do real good,
I can move up to washing dishes.

Then maybe waiting tables.
Who knows?

Maybe five or six years later...

I'll be able to seat Whitey himself.

- You'd like that, wouldn't you?
- Yes, Herman, I would.

I don't think so.

Homey don't play that.

- I'm telling Daddy.
- Good. Give him this when you see him.

Hmm. Now, I wonder where
those sweet little childrens went.

There he is! I told you he'd still be here.

Hey, uh... Hey, clown man,
do another trick for us, will ya?

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Another clown trick, huh?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!

So you can fall down laughing while I degrade
and shame myself for your amusement, huh?

- [Children In Unison] Yeah!
- You'd like that, wouldn't you?

- Yeah!
- Yeah! Homey! Homey!

Homey! Homey! Homey!

- Homey!
- Sit down!

Gather round, little chickadees.

Homey's got a little love story to tell you.

- Ooh!
- Now, which one of you kicked me
in my behind earlier?

- He did!
- Me!

- Okay, you get up here and be my assistant.
- Yeah!

Hey!

Now, once upon a time...

two lonely hearts came together.

- Woo woo.
- Wow.
- Just like this.

- Ooh.
- Ewww.

Then love poured all out
from their hearts...

nice and thick like.

Until Homey realized...

that it was just a trick
to whiten him up, like so.

And it made his heart beat
over and over and over again.

The end.

So, what has our little lesson
taught us if nothing else, childrens?

[Children In Unison]
Homey don't play that.

Very good.
Now, let's sing a little Homey love song.

- You do backup for me, would you?
- Yeah.!

- ♪ Love is bad ♪
- ♪ Bad ♪

- ♪ Love is sad ♪
- [Children In Unison] ♪ Sad ♪

- ♪ Love ain't glad ♪
- ♪ Glad ♪

♪ Love is something you wish you never had ♪

♪ 'Cause love takes your heart
and kicks it around the room ♪

♪ Then it tries to set you up
and send you to jail ♪

♪ It'll make you unhappy
for the rest of your life ♪

- I said back me up.
- ♪♪ [Singing Haphazardly]

♪♪ [Haphazard Singing Continues]

Hey, hey.! Hey.!

The white girl is off beat.

The end.

[Whines]

We'll see you next week...
Sunday night, : . Peace.

- Later!
- ♪♪ [Hip-Hop]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪♪