01x12 - Episode 12

[bunniefuu]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ It's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

♪ Take it from me
It's a'ight to be ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ Everybody here
is equally kind ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
everybody was your friend ♪

♪ From thin to thick
and through thick and thin ♪

♪ And egotistical trips
was put to an end ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ It's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

♪ Take it from me
It's a'ight to be ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
Keenen Ivory Wayans.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans,
and this is In Living Color.

Good to be here tonight.
Good to have you all here.

Before we get started,
I want to know why you're up there.

I like Shawn.
I want to be with Shawn.

She couldn't get
the dance number down, so...

Say hello to D.J. And one of my Fly Girls,
Carrie Ann and S. W. One.

These other girls back here,
start with Cari, Diedre...

Lisa and Michelle.

We're ready to get loose
and have some fun...

so sit back and laugh
for about a half.

Be right back.
Kick it.

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪♪

[Muttering, Barking]

And wake up!

[Laughs]
Oh!

All right, another volunteer.
Yes, you, sir.

Let's give him a hand,
ladies and gentlemen.

- And your name is?
- Eugene Carmichael III.

All right, Eugene Carmichael III,
what do you do for a living?

- Commodities broker.
- Commodities broker.

Let me ask you,
have you ever been hypnotized?

No, I haven't and frankly,
I'm quite skeptical.

One, two, three, trance!

Now at my command,
you will cluck like a chicken.

One, two, three...

You're never gonna...
[Clucks]

- Beg your pardon?
- [Clucking]

Ladies and gentlemen,
the skeptic.

I assure you, he will remain
this way as long as l... Ahh!

[Clucks]

As long as l...
Oh, my heart!

[Woman Screaming]

He's not breathing.
Call an ambulance quick!

[Thinking] Oh, my God!
Come on. Get up!

- [Clucking]
- It's no use. He's dead.

[Clucking]

[Thinking]
You bastard, live!

[Clucking]

Welcome to Nothing But Burgers.
May I help you?

[Thinking]
All right.

Now just concentrate.

Put the money
on the counter...

Iook her in the eye
and concentrate.

[Clucking]

Excuse me?

[Thinking] Oh, for the love of God,
please hear me.

I'm starving!
I want a burger!

Look, bud, I don't have to take this.
I'll call the police.

- You can't come in clucking and grabbin'.
- Wait. It's all right.

This guy's trying
to tell us something.

I think I've
seen this on Geraldo.

Can you write it down?

[Thinking]
That's a great idea.

I should have thought of this.

"I'd like a hamburger...

"and a cola, please.

I am starving."

Okay. Okay.

"Cluck, cluck."

I'm sorry. I can't read
that chicken scratch.

[Thinking]
Oh! Please! Please!

[Clucks]

A nightclub act
that went awry...

was a departure point for a long descent
to a place stranger than nightmares.

A place crueler than hell.

He's entered a place called
the Vortex of Fear.

[Laughing]

[Clucking]

[Clucks]

[Girls Squealing]

[Announcer]
Coming this fall on ABC.

[Man] Muffin, Skip,
you kids okay?

We're fine, Mr. Charles.

[Announcer] The kids aren't his,
but they're his responsibility.

He's Ray Charles In Charge.

Four of a kind.
Read 'em and weep.

What are you doing, Skip?

Math.

That's good.
And what about you, Muffin?

We're studying anatomy.

[Ray] Good. Good.
You're fine children.

♪♪ [Singing]

[Announcer] Move over, Mr. Belvedere,
and hit the road, Jack.

He's Ray Charles in Charge.

Coming this fall right after
The Stevie Wonder Years.

They're blind and they're black...

they're back-to-back,
Tuesdays on ABC.

♪ Ahh-ohh ♪♪

[Announcer]
Now, boys and girls...

it's time for
your favorite storyteller.

[Applause, Cheering]

Hello, sweet babies.

How y'all doing today?

Would y'all like
to hear a story?

- Then shut up.
- [Applause Stops]

Anyway, tonight's story
is Cinderella.

Cinderella was the prettiest, most beautiful
and most talented one in the family...

and all of them hated her.

Just like me.
So beautiful and so talented.

And they all hate me, you know.
Oh, that's right.

Cinderella wanted to meet
the prince...

and everybody's talking
about Prince, Prince, Prince.

Let me tell you somethin' about Prince.
Prince is nothing compared to me.

Prince cannot sit next to me
on my throne unless he's in a high chair.

That's right, I've seen him. That little
tiny man, posing naked on a horse...

trying to cover up
with one hand.

If I had to cover up with one hand,
why bother? [Laughs]

Shut up.

So, anyway, Cinderella heard
about the king's ball...

and she got all excited,
just like I did.

I love a good ball.

Anyway, kings
are always known...

for having great balls
and I ain't talking about Elvis.

Oh, no, Elvis was
no king. I'm sorry.

Elvis couldn't even tie
my blue suede shoes.

I wouldn't let him
pet my hound dog. Oh, no.

If Elvis is the king,
then what am I?

Shut up.

So, anyways, Cinderella was very sad
because she couldn't go.

Then in the middle of the night,
her fairy godmother came
and gave her a beautiful gown...

silver slippers,
and a white carriage with horses.

You know,
they never gave me nothing.

That's right.
I haven't got a Grammy yet.

They never gave me nothin'.
They gave Paul McCartney a Grammy.

When I heard that, I screamed
like a white lady in church.

Mm-hmm.
Where was I?

You know, everybody stole from me.
Oh, that's right.

I can't tell this story no more.
I have to tell the real story.

Everyone stole from me.
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles?

I was blind first.
Oh, yes. I did that first.

Oh, and Diana Ross?
Diana Ross... tall, glamorous woman?

You know who did that first.

Oh, and James Brown?
Stole my hair. Stole my cape.

Mm-hmm. He's in prison,
right where he belongs.

Oh, yes, he is. You know,
Papa's got a brand-new bag now.

Probably got some shoes to match.
[Laughs]

Shut up.

Anyway, that's all the time we have
for Lil'Richard's Playhouse.

I'll see you next week.
Bye-bye, sweet babies.

♪♪ [Woman Singing]

♪♪ [Scatting]

[Applause]

- Great set, Della.
- Thank you, Buster.

Hi, I'm Della Reese.

If you're like me,
you suck up food...

the way a vacuum cleaner
sucks up hair balls.

But I got to watch what I eat.

And, honey, sometimes
I don't want a whole portion.

I just want a little taste.

And that's why I developed
Della Reese's Pieces.

Honey, you don't have to feel guilty
about having whole portions anymore...

because I've already taken bites
out of everything for you.

See? That's all I wanted.

Wait a minute.

Let me get
a little smidgen more.

Save me a little piece
for later too.

And this is all
you gonna get...

with Della Reese's Pieces.

It's the simple way to stop
making a pig out of yourself, honey.

So the next time
somebody comes in your face...

with a big ol' mean
drumstick like this...

you say, " Uh-uh, baby.
I'm eating Della Reese's Pieces."

[Announcer]
New Della Reese's Pieces.

When you're already starving
forjust a little something.

Today's the big day.
I'm moving up.

Let me tell you something.
Don't fool yourself, my brother.

- They ain't never gonna let that happen.
- [Scoffs]

What are you talking about?
Peterson told me...

I'm in the number one position
for this promotion.

Then let me tell you
something, my brother.

The white man ain't never...

gonna put a black man
in charge of his french fries.

They just don't give us
that type of power.

- Man, why are you so negative?
- Hey, I ain't negative.

I'm just real, my brother.

See, brothers don't get
them type of positions.

Look at me.
I've been here five years.

What am I doing? Mopping.

Yeah, but that's 'cause you failed
your french fry aptitude test. Twice.

Hey, man, that was
a culturally-biased test, man.

How they going to ask
a black man from Compton...

about some
white potatoes from Idaho?

Ask me about some sweet potatoes.
I'll tell ya anything about a yam.

Yam from the motherland.
You didn't know that.

Man, maybe your problem
is your attitude.

Hey, I ain't got
no attitude, my brother.

There's a conspiracy out there.
You hear what I'm saying?

There's a conspiracy.

A C-O-N... spiracy.

Excellent work, Number Four. Your plan to
get rid of Marion Barry worked beautifully.

- Thank you, sir.
- Next?

And you, Number Five,
keep up the good work.

Thank you, Your Whiteness.

Well, well, well.

Number Six.
Mr. Screwup.

- It really wasn't my fault,
Number One. What happened...
- Silence.!

The others have done their jobs well.
But you have fouled up time and time again.

First, you let Eddie Murphy become
the biggest movie star in the world.

- It was the writing.
- And Bryant Gumbel?

- I leaked the memo.
- Arsenio Hall?

I thought Sajak
could go all the way.

Pat Sajak? It's that kind of dimwitted
thinking that's gotten you into this mess.

And now the last straw. I just heard
that a black man in your sector...

is going to be put
in charge of french fries.

- French fries!
- Nothing I could do. What could I do?

- You're pathetic. Wait outside.
- Yes, sir.

Get me Senator Thompkins.

Melvin? Melvin?
Melvin.!

- Hello, Mr. Peterson.
- Melvin...

last night I went over the list of people
for the new french fry supervision job.

- Yeah?
- And I just wanna tell ya...

there was no one
more qualified than you.

All right!
See, I told you.

But then this morning, I was listening
to the radio and I heard the funniest thing.

Apparently,
Senator Thompkins passed a bill...

banning the sale of french fries
anywhere in the state.

It passed unanimously.

So I guess you'll have to be
on that mop for a while longer.

All right, everybody,
let's shut down those fryers.

See? I told you, man.

There is
a conspiracy out there.

- C-O-N...
- Yeah, right. I know.

[Together]
Spiracy.

By the way, guys, we have
a new trainee today.

Show him the ropes,
will ya?

Hey, you! Get your
feet down off there!

Better be
nice to him, brother.

That's your new manager.

Man, you crazy.

Isn't he?

♪♪ [Rap]

♪♪ [Man Rapping]

♪♪ [Theme Music]

Laquita, I'm home!

Hey, sweetheart.

Where's my sugar? Mm!

That's my baby. I'm right
in the middle of painting my nails.

Nails?
What about dinner?

I got some pigs feet
steamin' on the stove.

Pigs feet?
Ay, yi, yi.!

My mother told me never
to marry a crazy redhead from Compton.

Well, you did.

I told you last week I'm having
a very important producer...

- over for dinner on Monday night.
- Producer? Producer?

Ricky, sit down.
Ricky, look.

You think he might be interested
in a female rapper?

- ♪ My name's Laquita
These are my... ♪♪
- Laquita!

- Ricky!
- Let me "splain" somethin' to you.

What you gonna
"splain" to me?

- Don't make fun of my language.
- You ain't got no language.

Laquita, I am gonna tell
you something...

for the thousandth time.

I don't want any more of your harebrained
schemes to get into show business.

But, Ricky! Come on, man.
I could be the next Queen Latifah!

No buts!

Now, go on in there
and set the table.

- sh**t!
- I'll go to the Chinese restaurant downstairs...

and get something a little more
fit for human consumption.

And don't forget,
the cable man is coming.

He'll be here any minute.

What'd you say?

- Hi, Laquita. It's me.
- Ethel! Ethel!

Come here.
Sit down. Sit down.

Yo, check this out.
Ricky's gonna have a big-time producer...

- comin' over here tonight.
- A producer!

A producer. So I figured we could
do our Salt 'N Pepa routine.

- Oh, Laquita, I don't know.
- Come on! It's our big chance!

- [Doorbell Rings]
- Well...

That's him! That's him.
Just follow along.

- Just bust a move. Whatever I do, you do.
- Well, all right.

Is this
the Mercado residence?

- Yes, it is.
- Yeah, I'm looking for Mr. Mercado.

- I'm from Continental Television.
- We were expecting you.

Come on in.
Come on in.

Have a seat.
Have a seat.

- Okay.
- Ethel, get the nice man something to drink.

Some ripple.

On the rocks.

You want a massage?
A leg massage?

- Uh, yeah. Sure, I guess.
- Here you are.

- Would you like something to eat?
- Thank you. Yeah. Okay.

- Do you like music?
- Well, I guess so. I mean, who doesn't?

Well, peep this out.

One, two.
One, two.

♪ What we gonna do ♪

♪ My name's Laquita
and I'm telling you, see ♪

♪ I'm the kinda girl
should be on TV♪

♪ Over here, on my right
with the curly locks ♪

♪ She's a girl, she's my friend
she's a human beat box ♪

♪ Say, what ♪♪

Oh, that was great! I mean,
you two really should be on TV.

Yes!

Now, just listen. I got
a service contract right here.

- Let me put myJohn Hancock on it.
- Wait a minute! Not so fast.

Nothing gets signed until I take care
of the physical connection.

- What?
- You know...

I have to plug my cable
into the box.

- Oh, Laquita! I don't know.
- Do we have to?

This is standard procedure.
It will only take about five minutes.

Maybe a little longer.
This is my th one today.

[Together]
Twelfth?

One lady I saw this morning
took almost two hours.

Mm-hmm. The poor woman couldn't
remember where her box was.

And when we finally found it, it was
all rusted shut. Had to use a crowbar.

- Oh, my God!
- Laquita, I don't know about this.

Come on, Ethel. Come on.
Come on and think.

Just think about it!
We talking the big time here.

We could be on Showtime at the Apollo
and The Byron Allen Show.

Byron Allen?

- Where do you wanna do it, ladies?
- We ain't no freaks!

- In the bedroom, of course.
- Okay, no problem.

- You know, I got more than feet of cable.
- Oh, no!

Look at his teeny feet.
He ain't got no feet of cable.

- I just run it up the side
and right through the window.
- Oh, no, Laquita!

- Oh, no.
- Please! This is our big chance.

- Please, Ethel. Please.
- Well...

Come on. You know Fred ain't
throwin' down in the bedroom anyway.

Well, I guess
you're right.

All right, sir, you can do me first
and then my friend.

Are you kiddin'? I can get a splitter
and turn you both on.

We'll just do it one at a time
if you don't mind.

- Fine with me. Let's get it over with.
- Aren't you gonna leave that?

Ah! The right tool
for the right job.

Well, if you say so.

[Man] Hey, lady,
what are you doing.!

[Laughing]

Ricky!

Hi, honey. This is that producer
I told you about.

Producer?

But if that's the producer,
then... Who...

[Crying]

Did you let the cable man in?

Nope.
Ethel did.

Ethel!
What happened?

I just got free cable
for the whole building.

Laquita!

[Crying]

What?

[Laughing]

We're having too much fun,
but we gotta go.

[Grunts]

We out of here.
See y'all later.

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪♪