01x02 - Episode 2

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "In Living Color". Aired: April 15, 1990 – May 19, 1994.*
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Sketch comedy series strove to produce comedy with a strong emphasis on modern Black subject matter.
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01x02 - Episode 2

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♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ It's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

♪ Take it from me
It's a'ight to be ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ Everybody here
is equally kind ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
everybody was your friend ♪

♪ From thin to thick
and through thick and thin ♪

♪ And egotistical trips
was put to an end ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ It's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

♪ Take it from me
It's a'ight to be ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
Keenen Ivory Wayans.

Thank you. Good evening.
I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.

Welcome to In Living Color.

I wanna thank all the people who sent those
wonderful letters after seeing last week's show.

I really appreciate it.
Before we get the party started...

I always got to say hello to the man
who makes the butts bounce...

the king of beats,
D.J. S.W. One.

And, of course, we can't forget
the lovely ladies of In Living Color.

My Fly Girls...
Carrie Ann, Deidre...

Lisa, Cari and Michelle.

We got a great show for you tonight.
I want you to chill with us for about a half.

Let's get this party started right.
Do it.

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪♪

I want to be Vanilli.

No, you can't
be Vanilli.

I am always Vanilli.

No, but you can't be Vanilli
two days straight.

- Why not?
- Because...

you are Germany
and I'm from French.

Oh.

- Now I get it.
- [Together] Makes sense to me.

Milli Vanilli commercial,
take one.

Hello, we are Milli... Vanilli.

You know, lots of people don't understand
the enormous success of Milli Vanilli.

And neither do we.

But we are here today to tell you
that you too can be Milli Vanilli...

with lots of positive energy
and our new do-it-yourself...

at-home
Milli Vanilli kit.

That is right.
In just minutes...

Count them. Five, .

You didn't think
I could do that, huh?

Ten minutes, you too can
look and sound just like Milli... Vanilli.

Tell them what
they get, Vanilli.

Well, for only . ...

you'll get this.

Milli Vanilli hair.

Very easy to apply...

and dye it whatever
color you like.

Plus you'll get this.

Milli Vanilli eyes
that will give you...

[Together]
Positive energy.

- What else?
- Let's not forget our terrible accents.

You'll also get these.

That's right. You'll listen
to these cartoon characters...

Pepé Le Pew,
Boris and Natasha, Elmer Fudd...

[Imitates Elmer Fudd
Chuckling]

And you are almost ready
to be Milli Vanilli.

- No, but not yet.
- No, no.

First, you go out and see the latest,
hottest, freshest, exciting dances...

- but don't do them.
- No, no, no.

[Together]
Do this instead.

Now you are doing
Milli Vanilli.

- So get a friend.
- Because it takes two jerks to be Milli Vanilli.

And remember...
♪♪ [Singing]

So act now because we are
almost out of style.

[Announcer]
Send . to:

Milli Vanilli,
P.O. Box ,
Paris, California .

[Announcer] It's The Arsenio Hall Show
starring Arsenio Hall.

And here's Eddie Murphy's best friend...
and don't you forget it...

Arsenio...

Ooooo...

[Yodeling]

Hall.!

[Audience]
Wooh.! Wooh.! Wooh.!

Yes! Yes!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, boy!

[Barking]

That's my dog pound right there...

and this is my posse.

Yes. Oh, boy.

Good evening.

[Audience]
Wooh.! Wooh.! Wooh.!

Now, I couldn't begin the show without
introducing a very good friend of mine.

Stopped in tonight. We were hangin' out
at the China Club last night.

A real party animal. Won't you please
give it up for my main man...

PopeJohn Paul II!

Yes!

Pope, strive to be number one.

Yes!

Oh, we got a great show.

So, with no more delay,
let's get busy!

[Giggles]
Oh, boy.

Now I'd like to introduce
my first guest.

A very, very special man.
Very talented.

He's just written a book,
he's in a new film...

and running for his fourth term
as mayor of Washington, D.C.

Would ya please give it up
for a very good friend of mine...

Marion Barry!

Let's just get
right into it.

Now, you're in
the press a lot lately.

You have beautiful women
inviting you to hotels.

People follow you
everywhere you go.

What's it like
to be a sex symbol?

Uh, I don't think
you understand, Arsenio.

I don't consider myself
a sex symbol.

I do consider myself a man
who's been wrongly accused of a crime...

and I'm here tonight
to clear my name.

All charges
against me are false.

There's been no proof
of any wrongdoin' on my part.

Hey, you, wake up!

Deep, deep.

So, I haven't read it, but my people
tell me you've written a book.

Uh, well,
I didn't write a book.

I was booked...

On possession
of an illegal substance.

But that's not the image
I'd like to portray here tonight.

- I'm about the business of government.
- Yes.

- Can we talk about
my reelection campaign already?
- Oh, Eddie's here?

I said "already,"
not "Eddie."

I said "already,"
not "Eddie."

Oh. Oh.

I'm sorry. I get a little confused
'cause, you know...

Eddie is my best friend.

And to all the white people
out there who don't know...

Eddie Murphy is only
the biggest movie star in the world.

The black people are
sitting out there, going...

"I know who Eddie Murphy is.
I see Eddie Murphy on TV."

Say, say, say, Arsenio?

[Giggles]

Oh, boy. So...

where will you
be appearing next?

Uh, well, this Friday I'll be appearing
in front of the grand jury.

Whoo!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo!

- Now, what's so funny?
- Absolutely nothing.

I just like to do that
after every third question.

So, I understand
you're in a new film?

Uh, now, wait. No.
See, they told me...

- you weren't supposed to ask me about that.
- Ah, brother.

No disrespect to Morgan Freeman
or Denzel Washington...

but, brother,
I hear you are smoking.

No, I'd rather not
talk about that...

Sandy, do we
have a clip?

- [Sandy] I've got it right here, Arsenio.
- Kick it!

Would you let go!
Man, I'm the mayor of Washington, D.C.!

This is a setup!
This is a setup!

Get that camera off me! They were
supposed to tell me that y'all was coming.

Hey, Leroy!
Leroy, man!

Call Whitney! Call...
Is Jesse in town?

Call Al Sharpton, man!

I'm nothin', man!
I'm nothin'.

I came up here
to clear my name!

I'm ruined!

Yes, that was so real.

I'm nobody. I'm nothin'.
You've ruined my career.

Strive to be
the best you can be.

Michael Wolff, take us home with some
of that nasty, booger-nose funk.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome,
all the way from Detroit...

the Motor City
Homeboy Choir.

- ♪♪ [Blowing Pipe]
- ♪♪ [Humming Note]

One, two, three, go.

♪♪ [Spitting Rap]

♪♪ [Dance]

♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

♪ Do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪♪

I'm standing here with the legendary
Sugar Ray Leonard.

Ray, how does the show
look to you so far?

Well, Larry, I have to call
the show pretty even.

So far, the audience has been
able to take everything...

that the cast
has dished out.

If we look at the tale
of the videotape...

we'll see that the audience
outnumbers the cast to one.

Let me ask you something. If you were
in this cast's shoes right now...

what would Sugar be doing?

Well, Larry, like I said...

this is a very, very, very,
very, very tough audience.

And remember what
they did to Frank's Place.

If I were the cast right now,
I'd be going for the knockout.

Like I did against Marvin Hagler.
He scared me.

He looked like a giant Milk Dud.
I was afraid of him.

This Milk Dud had arms
and was jabbing.

- Uh, Ray...
- I was jabbing back.

- [Bell Ringing]
- Uh, Ray.

Well, we're about ready
to start that fifth round.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the great Sugar Ray Leonard.

- Thank you.
- Bigger words than I usually use.

[Man's Voice]
Captain's log, stardate .

We're being pulled
towards a hostile planet.

I'm hoping that Scotty will be able
to activate the backup control systems.

God, I feel so vulnerable.

Captain, I'm picking up
some strange signals.

Something about
intergalactic oppressors, sir.

Captain, intruders are
approaching the bridge, sir.

Who are you?

I am the Minister
Louis Farrakhan.

Spock. Spock,
who is he?

A former calypso singer,
Captain...

who later became leader
of a th-century African-American...

religious sect
known as the Nation of Islam.

Would you like to buy
some incense?

- Bean pie, my brother?
- No, thank you.

What do you want?

I've come
to warn your crew...

- Warn your crew.
- Warn your crew.

Of their enslavement...

- Enslavement.
- Enslavement.

- Aboard this vessel.
- That's poppycock.

These people are perfectly free
to do anything they'd like.

It is that same lie
that kept Elvis the king.

That made that poor child,
LaToya Jackson, think she could sing.

It is that same lie
that's got white boys rapping...

and the Fat Boys acting.

Hey, mister, you can't come in here
and talk to me like that.

- Uhura, get me Starfleet Command.
- Yes, Captain.

Oh, my Nubian princess!

How long have you
placed his calls?

I watch this show every week and all I see
is the back of your nappy wig.

Uhura, Starfleet, now.

Well, wait a second!
He's right.

I've been sitting here
for years...

with this damn thing in my ear
and ain't got one raise yet.

Is that all I'm good for?
To be your little secretary...

or your occasional
chocolate fantasy?

- Shh!
- You get up off your flat butt...

and get Starfleet your damn self
'cause I ain't budging.

- Preach on, brother!
- Yes, sister.

Mr. Sulu, call Scotty.

Tell him to get this man
out of here.

Wait a minute,
Mr. Sulu.

Before you touch that dial,
answer me this question...

Who does the laundry
around here?

I do.

- Mr. Sulu.
- You call me Buddha head...

- and pie face in front of everybody.
- Well...

I've been in space all this time,
and I haven't had one woman yet.

You even take
the ugly ones, Captain.

My loins are about to explode.

I want to do the nasty.

- That's right. Rise up from your oppressor!
- Rise up!

Mr. Spock, my friend,
we've got to do something.

Why do you say we,
caucasoid?

It's obvious, Captain, that
Minister Farrakhan is right.

Spock, are you out of
your Vulcan mind?

Well, logically speaking,
Captain...

I am the strongest and most intelligent
person aboard this vessel...

- yet I'm only second-in-command.
- [Uhura] Mm-hmm.

I should be captain...

- and I'm also a better director than you.
- [Grunts]

Can't you see?
It's discrimination!

- You get off my ship, buddy!
- [Whirrs]

Put your puny
w*apon down, Captain.

You cannot harm me.

My people have survived
years of sl*very...

- sl*very!
- sl*very!

years of apartheid...

- Apartheid!
- Apartheid!

And years of
TheJeffersons in syndication.

Farrakhan!

- Go to your room.
- [Whines]

Oh, I love it
when I do that to them.

Nubian princess,
call Sylvia's Soul Food Shack.

Make reservations.

I got a taste for some
blackened whitefish.

Mr. Sulu, what are you
going to have?

Sylvia.

Well, all right then,
my horny Asian brother.

Warp factor five.
We're going home.

Destination...
th Street.

♪♪ [Dance]

♪ In living color♪♪

[Engine Starts]

Hi, I'm Hoke Colburn.

Every morning around : ...

I picks up Miss Daisy and I takes her
to her favorite place.

- Slow down now.
- Yes, Miss Daisy.

- Drivin' like a madman.
- See, we didn't always get along so good.

Miss Daisy don't like nobody doing
nothing for her, especially no Colored.

She what they call
"independent."

The real truth is,
Miss Daisy don't drive so good.

She crashed up her car,
ooh, somethin' bad.

So bad that massa...
Uh, what's his name?

You know, Dan Aykroyd.

He hired me to take care of her
and give her some companionship.

- Now, watch where you're going.
- Yes, Miss Daisy.

- You don't drive any better than I do.
- Yes, Miss Daisy.

She not at all that bad.

Just a little lonely
and wrinkled up.

But I understands her and I knows
how to make her happy...

'cause I gives her
just what she needs.

Now, now, now,
don't muss up my dress, Hoke.

Yes, Miss Daisy.

[Announcer]
Ridin' Miss Daisy.

Coming to a theater near you.

[Miss Daisy] Oh, Hoke.!
You're my best friend.!

Thank you.

On behalf of the cast, we hope
you enjoyed the show tonight.

We'll see you next week.
Good night.

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪♪
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