01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ It's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me It's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

- ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
everybody was your friend ♪

♪ From thin to thick
and through thick and thin ♪

- ♪ And egotistical trips
was put to an end ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ It's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

♪ Take it from me
It's a'ight to be ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

- ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
Keenen Ivory Wayans!

[Audience Cheering, Applauding]

- Thank you.
- [Cheering, Applauding Continues]

All right.
[Chuckles]

Thank you. Thank you.
And welcome to In Living Color.

I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans. We got
a great show for you tonight.

Before I get started, I'd like
to introduce a few folks to you.

My D.J. That keeps the party
rockin' all night long...

S.W. One, in the house...
give it up!

[Cheering, Applause]

And, of course, you got to say
hello to all my Fly Girls.

- Starting over here with Carrie Ann...
- [Cheering, Applause]

Lisa, Deidre...

- Michelle and Cari.
- [Cheering, Applause Continues]

All right.
We got a great show.

We want you to sit back,
laugh, have a good time.

And I'll see you in a minute.
Let's do it.

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪♪

♪♪ [Theme]

Hi. Welcome back
to Love Connection.

Told you we'd be back
in two and two.

Our next guest says she likes
her men to be very wealthy.

Let's say hello
to Robin Givens.

- Hi, Robin.
- Hello, Charles.

Don't ever call me Charles.
I'll go off. [Chuckles]

So, Robin, tell us
about this wealthy thing.

Well, Chuck, I don't want people
thinking that I'm the type of woman...

- who's only interested in
the size of a man's wallet.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, there are things
that are just as important.

- Like what?
- Well, like what's
in the wallet. Am I right?

- [Cheering]
- Thank you.

Okay.
[Chuckles]

Robin, last time you were here,
you picked a man to go out with.

Now you're back to tell us how it went.
Let's say hello to Mike Tyson.

Hello, Michael.

- Hi, Michael.
- Hi, Robin.

- How you doin', Chuck?
- Hi, there, Mike. How are you?

Well, I got to say
I'm really ecstatic to be here.

All righty, then.
Robin, tell us how the date started.

Well, at first, I called Michael and,
of course, things didn't go very well...

because he's just
a boxer from Brooklyn...

and, of course, I was
a Harvard medical student.

What about you, Mike?
What did you think of Robin?

Well, Chuck,
when I first saw Robin, I was ecstatic.

I mean, she had this...
she had this really tight dress on...

you know, the kind
with the push-up bra...

and her breasts were, like,
poppin' right out.

Like hit me right
in the eye, you know?

And as soon as I saw them, Chuck,
I said, "Wow. I'm in love," you know?

Sounds like you two
really hit it off.

- So where'd you go first?
- Well, first, Chuck...

we went to this lovely
little jewelry store...

where I allowed Michael
to purchase me...

a very lovely ruby, diamond
and sapphire collection...

and a matching car.

- Sounds nice. Did you give Mike anything?
- Lithium.

It made... It made me feel
really ecstatic, Chuck.

- Uh-huh.
- Yes, we know, Michael. We know.

So, where'd you go next?

Well, then we went to the most
beautiful little wedding chapel...

where my mother was waiting
with a justice of the peace,
and we got married!

- Thank you very much.
- [Cheering, Applause]

[Chuck] Mike, what did
you think of Robin's mother?

Well, I got to be honest, Chuck.
I wasn't too ecstatic.

You know, I looked at her mom,
the first thing I thought was...

"Wow. This lady really
needs a hair weave."

- And I'm, sorry, Robin.
- [Robin] Michael...

I'm really sorry, darlin',
but your mom's head...

her forehead is
just way too big...

- and she just has too little
hair to cover it, you know?
- Messy.

But I tell you something though,
what really separates Robin
from her mom is class.

Because the franks were still bothering
me 'cause I had a boiled egg too.

And I kinda cut one
in the car, you know?

And her mom made
a big stink out of it. [Giggles]

Robin, we're almost out of time.
Tell us about the rest of the date.

Well, Charles...

after the bank, the lithium
began to wear off...

- and Michael went a little wild.
- [Mike] Oh, come on, Robin.

- What happened, Mike?
- Oh, well...

Well, Chuck,
it was really simple.

It was quite innocent. I was in
the parking lot picking up the car...

I'm waitin' on Robin
and her mom, and I see this girl.

She has a really nice butt.
So I walk over, I go, "Hi, my name is Mike."

And then I shove my tongue
down her throat, you know?

And this guy comes over and
goes, "Hey, that's my mother."

So I punch him in his gut,
you know, and he started making
little wormy noises.

It was pretty funny. He was, like,
"Oh, God, I'm bleedin' internally."

It was pretty funny, you know?
It reminded me of
the Bonecrusher Smith fight...

where I hit him in his third rib
and then tried to push his nose
up into his brain, you know?

- And I came over with...
- [Chuck] Whoa.! Whoa.!

- I hit him and he went down.
- Whoa! Whoa! Ding! Ding!

[Chuck]
Ding.!

Wow, that was quite a date.

Let's see who our audience
picked for you.

Was it Mike?

John KennedyJr.?

Or Donald Trump?

They picked Mike by %.

So if you two would
like to go out again...

[Chuckles]
Ultimately, Mike will pay for it.

Well, there is a lovely little
fur salon I'd like to go to.

Michael,
I wouldn't mind.

- [Giggles]
- What about you, Michael?

All right. I guess
it's all right, Robin.

Well, be sure to come back
and tell us about it.

Hey, Mike, maybe I'll see you
on Scrabble sometime. Yeah, right.

Hey, "ecstatic."
E-X-K-l-T.

- All right?
- Are you gonna tell him
he's wrong? [Chuckles]

Well, that's it, folks.
I'm Chuck Woolery.

Until next time, may all your dates
be a matter of public record.

♪♪ [Fanfare]

On July , ,
Apollo astronauts Neil Armstrong...

Buzz Aldrin, Michael Collins
and Slick Johnson orbited the moon.

Collins remained
in the command module...

and Armstrong,
Aldrin and Johnson...

landed the small lunar module
on the moon's surface.

While the men were
exploring the area...

Armstrong received word
from mission control...

that a system malfunction
had left them with only enough fuel...

to take three of the four
pioneers safely back to Earth.

After conferring
with Collins and Aldrin...

Armstrong sentJohnson out
to find a nice spot to play volleyball.

Minutes later, the landing module
took off, leaving Slick behind.

Hey, come on, y'all!
Stop playin', man!

Hey, yo, that's not funny!
That's not funny, man! Come back here!

The mission was an otherwise
perfect success.

And an embarrassed NASA deleted
all references toJohnson
from its official literature.

Tonight,
we salute SlickJohnson...

the first black man
on the moon.

I'm Tommy Davidson with
another great moment in black history.

Yo, yo, yo, all you
bad bargain hunters out there!

Welcome to
the Homeboy Shopping Network.

Yo! We're the host
with the most.

- I'm Whiz, this is the Iceman.
- Chillin'.

[Both]
Let's show 'em what we got.

- Look at all this stuff, man.
- It's like a warehouse sale.

- Look at all this stuff.
- What have we got?
Let's show 'em the first item.

- All right, we got this.
- For your automotive needs.

We got car phones, we got
car stereos, we got car alarms.

And if you act now,
we could probably get the car.

Probably.

- Yo, give 'em the number.
- All right.

Uh, yeah.

Operators are standin' by.

Yo, our next item
up for sale...

- jewelry, jewelry, jewelry!
- Look at all this stuff! Look at all this!

Lovely assortment
of gold chains.

Some of them have been
broken in transit, though.

- Oh, a lovely diamond clustered ring.
- Oh, wow, look at this one.

- Oh, man.
- You gonna keep it?

Yeah.

- I'm sorry, customers.
That was merely a display item.
- [Phone Rings]

We got callers already.
Damn!

Hello. Welcome to
the Homeboy Shopping Network.

[Man]
That's my wife's ring!

If I ever get my hands on you,
you sleazy, slimy, son of a...

- [Laughing]
- [Both] Another satisfied customer.

Yo, check these out.
This is something really special.

Now... Now these are some...
These are the top-of-the-line
stuff, man, you know?

These are some of the finer
TVs you might find at some
of the better hotels.

Matter of fact, these are the same
TVs you find in the better hotels.

- Yeah.
- Yo, check it out.

They're a little wobbly, right? They're
a little bit wobbly. But check this out.

If you act now, we'll throw in
these free Gideon Bibles...

- you just throw 'em all
the way underneath like that.
- Check it out.

Straight!

Oh, yeah, now for you
cable buffs out there, man, we got
something special for you.

Check this out.
Check this out.

Now...

Yo, not only
will you get, like...

all the cable stations
out there...

But you'll be able to talk
directly to the astronauts.

Ain't that lovely?
Show 'em the other stuff.
Show 'em the other stuff.

Now this...
this is somethin' special.

You talk about
at-home bankin'.

Yo, yo, yo.

All you got to do is hook
this bad boy up in your house...

- And what you got?
- You throw the card in there... Boom...

or somebody else's card...
Boom... like that...

[Both] Mo' money,
mo' money, mo' money.

[Siren Blaring,
Approaching]

- Uh-oh! Do I hear a bluelight special?
- I think so.

- Well, you know what that means.
- That's right. We're movin' locations.

So, join us next week on
the Homeboy Shopping Network.

- Same time...
- Different corner.

[Both]
Peace!

♪♪ [Dance]

- ♪♪ [Ends]
- [Applause, Cheering]

Hi. This is Redd Foxx
with your tax tips.

Tip number one... pay 'em.

Tip number two... if the I.R.S. Man
show up to your house...

lie... about everything,
especially who you is.

Get back to work,
you crusty old heathen.

Oh, Lord! I thought
I flushed my toilet.

I'm the one who save you
from the I.R.S.

You belong to me now.

And when you finish
cleanin' up and dustin' in here...

I want you to come in the room,
massage my feet...

and pop the pimples
on my back!

Oh, Lord! There's
got to be a better way.

Somebody help me!
Eddie! Richard! Lamont!

Somebody tell MichaelJackson
to come get Bubbles.

Come here, you old geezer.

You my love sl*ve now.

If your breasts drop any lower,
they're gonna be knees.

You got the devil in you!

Oh, Lord, somebody help me.
I'd give you five of these...

but I don't want to get none
of that dog spit on my hands.

You gonna make love to me
if it kills you, Fred.

It will! Elizabeth,
I'm comin' to join you, honey...

with a half a bottle of
Ripple and an old toothbrush.

Save me!
Somebody, help me!

I was buying a shirt at this
clothing store and I was out of cash.

So I gave the salesman
my Equity Express Gold Card.

I got a call
from the store manager.

He said he was suspicious of a customer
trying to use an Equity Express card.

From the manager's
description of the man...

it was clear he wasn't the right
sort to be carrying a Gold Card,
if you know what I mean.

So I ran a check
on his credit.

[Scoffs] I knew my credit
was good, 'cause I just paid my bill.

But the manager asked to see
my driver's license, I gave him that.

My birth certificate,
no problem.

Mother's maiden name,
I had that too.

You see, this had happened before.

He answered all of
our questions easily.

There was no doubt
that it was his card.

But I wasn't
giving up so fast.

I asked to speak
to the customer directly.

Then the lady asked me who won
the Bob Hope Invitational Golf
Tournament in .

[Man's Voice]
I said, "Kiss my butt, bitch."

Approve my credit.

I had him.

Use of obscenity over interstate
phone lines is a federal offense.

So I asked the store manager
to stall him while I called the police.

So they told me
everything was cool...

and they started treating me
real nice, a little too nice.

They gift wrapped my shirt,
they served me hors d'oeuvres
and started doing magic tricks.

Then it got a little late,
so I got up to leave.

[Woman]
Luckily, the cops got there in time.

Sure he sued us and won...

but it was still fun to do
and the store manager was grateful.

[Woman] You see,
helping people is what we're all about.

[Man] Equity Express,
don't leave your crib without it...

or your driver's license
or your birth certificate...

or your high school diploma,
or your blood type...

or your passport, or your dental records,
or your fingerprints...

or a notarized letter
from the president.

♪♪ [Dance]

♪♪ [Ends]

♪ In Living Color♪♪

[Announcer] And now,
Public Access presents Men On Films.

- Hello. I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merriwether.

[Both]
And welcome to Men On Films.

We're gonna be reviewing
the latest films.

From a male
point of view.

First up, is that controversial movie...
Do The Right Thing.

Now I like little Spike Lee's
courage in making this film.

I especially liked the way he mixed
the racial tension with the v*olence...

in order to give his message:
Do the right thing.

Come on out of the closet.
Don't be afraid to be who you is...

- Black, white or whatever.
- Mm-hmm.

Ain't that the truth,
Ruth. [Giggles]

Now I'd like to talk about an exciting
new film... Karate Kid, Part Three.

It's all about men working out
their problems in a very physical way.

- It was all so primitive.
- Mm-hmm.

And I really enjoyed Mr. Miyagi,
played by little Pat Morita.

Ooh, and that Ralph Macchio,
three words... Fab-U-Lous.

- Boy, I hope I look that good when I'm .
- Stop.

But I have to disagree.
I disagree.

There's just too much
v*olence in this movie.

Don't get mad.

Stop.
[Indistinct]

You better give me back
my scarf.

Don't hate me
'cause I'm beautiful.

They went all wrong.
What's all this kickin' about?

This is a movie
about relationships.

This could have been a beautiful
picture about the special friendship...

between a mature,
masculine, older man...

and a tender, ripening,
consenting young man.

See, I think America's
ready for that.

You know I know I am.

I bet you is.

Now I'd like to talk about a film
I've been anxiously awaitin' to see...

Great Balls Of Fire.

I ain't gonna touch it.

But the title alone
gets two snaps up.

Tell it.

- Why don't you stop.
- Yes.

Now let's talk about some films
that are soon to come out on video.

First up is Black Widow, starring
Theresa Russell and Debra Winger.

[Both]
Hated it.

Also coming out
is Miss Firecracker.

Is that Gene Anthony Ray's
new movie?

Holly Hunter.

[Both]
Hated it.

And we finally have
Dangerous Liaisons...

starring John Malkovich
and Glenn Close.

You know, John Malkovich
is like every moviegoer's fantasy.

I found myself just alone at night
just thinkin' about his...

- intensity.
- Yes.

- What'd you think of Glenn Close?
- Oh, I loved him.

And I really have to admire the producers
for daring to cast a man in that role.

I mean, that really made
the picture for me.

Hello! Glenn Close is a woman.

[Gasps] Clutch the pearls!
What a sneaky thing to do!

Why you always sayin'
stuff like that?

Well, looks like
we almost out of time.

Would you join us next week when we talk
about Mel Gibson's Lethal w*apon?

- I hope it's loaded.
- You crazy. [Giggles]

- [Cheering, Applause]
- Thank you.

All right.
On behalf of the cast and myself...

I want to thank you all
for joining us tonight.

We'll see you next week.
Bye-bye.

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪♪