( Music playing )
- George, what happened?
- I tried to jump over
that big mud puddle in the yard.
I didn't make it.
- Why didn't you just
walk around the puddle?
- Oh, it's not easy to change
your mind in midair, joanna.
I've gotta go back
and dig out my boot.
- That's really it out there,
isn't it?
- Uh, what?
- Nature.
- In the flesh.
- Hello, I'm rupert kellman,
and I'm ready.
- For what?
- To confront nature.
I-- I want to encounter wind,
to experience fire,
To embrace water.
- If you like,
I could introduce you to mud.
- Really?
Excuse me. I don't think
I should pass this up.
- He wants to embrace water?
- I hate to think
what he's gonna do to mud.
- d*ck...
Great news.
I just met with the station
manager and bev approved
A statewide "vermont today"
talent search for me.
Hotels, mileage, the works.
- We have plenty of good guests
right in the area.
- Well, bev's not satisfied
with the guests.
- Since when?
- Since I told her
you're not satisfied.
- But I am.
- Well, d*ck, I think
you should've made that clear
Before everyone
got so worked up.
- Well, I'll try to
remember that next time
Before I say something
I never said.
- Michael,
why aren't you at work?
Michael: steph, great news
regarding "vermont today."
- Where are you going
and for how many days?
- Only six?
Five?
Four days with a present.
- ( Sigh )
very nice.
What do I get
for the other three days?
- They're being delivered.
And steph,
could you possibly
Stop by the apartment
while I'm gone,
Water the plants,
smooth my sweaters?
- This is turning into
a nightmare.
- Cupcake, you know,
it kills me to leave you
But I'm doing this for d*ck.
- What?
- d*ck is making you go?
- Don't blame him, blame me.
I'm letting him make me go.
- I just hope you realize
what you've got in this man.
- I think I do.
- Stephanie,
I don't know how you could
Possibly hurt plants
in four days.
But you did.
Oh, my.
Are these all you?
Stephanie: well, there are
some strangers
In the background
of one of them.
The lab said
they couldn't get them out.
- Stephanie,
this is a shrine.
- I know.
Michael calls it
"cupcake corner."
- So, I think
all these plants need
Is a little water
and sunlight.
"Short-term goals:
Higher ratings,
More exciting guests,
smell even better."
- Obviously
they're not in order.
- "Long-term goals:
accomplish takeover of cbs,
Get chummy with sinatra"?
- Of course,
that'll be a lot easier
Once the cbs thing happens.
- Right.
Well, I'll water.
Why don't you see
if you can find some plant food.
- Boy! Water, food, sunlight.
Remind me never
to have children.
Ooh!
What's this?
- Stephanie, that looks
like michael's diary.
- Ooh!
Nice leather.
Darling little lock.
Sturdy too.
- Stephanie, this book
is locked for a reason.
- All right.
I'll put it away.
( Click )
- Stephanie!
- Joanna,
I'm trying to read!
- You shouldn't
be looking at that.
Those are michael's
private thoughts.
- Oh, yeah?
Whose eyes were all over
his short-term goals?
Here's my name.
"October th: steph
never fails to amaze me.
She's beautiful,
intelligent, perky."
Boy, does he know me?
"How could someone
that perfect
Turn into such a thoughtless,
selfish, child?"
- Stephanie, I think
we should put this away and go.
- Oh, no, joanna.
We can't leave yet.
I told michael I'd smooth
his sweaters for him.
Okay, we can go now.
- I'm back.
- Hi, mr. Kellman.
How's your hand doing?
- Well, it's still throbbing,
But that's a small price to pay
For that taste
of fresh honey.
- I wish
you'd be more careful.
- Don't worry. I spent
a quiet day collecting leaves.
- You collect poison oak?
- Oh dear.
- That's your good hand,
too, isn't it?
- Yeah.
Well, I guess
that's nature, huh?
Beautiful, treacherous,
awe-inspiring.
- Itchy.
- Stephanie,
are you all right?
You look pale.
- I've been reading
a horror story.
Joanna: stephanie,
you didn't.
- Don't start lecturing me.
I'm too upset.
- What's stephanie
upset about?
- I-- I really don't know,
george.
- I told you this would happen
if you read that.
- I think she read something,
d*ck.
- Do you know
what kind of stuff is in here?
"Stephanie doesn't
need a boyfriend,
She needs a babysitter."
- Well, that's what you get
for reading his diary.
- Okay, d*ck,
I've almost got it.
- And as far as I'm concerned
"cupcake corner"
Is a cruel hoax.
- Never mind.
- Would someone please tell
george what's going on here?
I'm trying to read.
- Stephanie
read michael's diary.
- Aha!
- Stephanie did what?
- Don't you start!
- Stephanie, what you did
was a flagrant violation
Of michael's privacy.
- Michael's right.
You are sanctimonious.
Page .
- Joanna!
- He says
much worse things about you.
- I don't care.
- "In walked
the sanctimonious joanna,
Little miss perfect."
- Okay.
Let me have it.
Right between the eyes.
What does he say about me?
- I don't know
if he mentions you, george.
- Well, he must say something.
I'm a natural target.
- I-- I don't think
you're mentioned.
- Oh my god, d*ck.
He really lays you out.
- Hey, hey. Here's something
real nasty about me.
Uh, never mind.
It's about d*ck.
It's like I don't even exist.
- I'm "miss buttinsky"?
- Well, I'm a high-bred brat.
- I'm nothing.
- And d*ck is...
All:
oh!
- Hi, all.
I'm back.
Miss me?
Perhaps you--
you remember me.
Michael harris?
And how's my reason to live?
- Drop dead.
- Still miffed
about this nasty trip business?
Well, get ready to forgive.
I fiddled with the odometer
and we can dine out
The rest of the week
on the extra mileage.
Shall we start tomorrow
at seven?
- High-bred brats
never eat before eight.
- Well, eight it is.
d*ck, I found
some primo guests for the show.
How about we confab in the
morning, say over breakfast?
- Fine.
- That is,
if it isn't a problem
To set an extra plate.
- What could be a problem
for little miss perfect?
- Well, good.
George,
I didn't see you come in.
- I didn't.
- Well, that explains it.
Walk a weary traveler
to his car?
- I might do that
for my boyfriend
But not my babysitter.
- Do you ever get that
eerie sense of--
Of deja vu?
It's like I heard
all these things before.
- Maybe that's because
you wrote them in your diary.
- Oh, right. Right.
Well, goodnight.
My diary?
- Here.
Take a closer look.
- Oh, steph,
there's a simple explanation.
My, uh, my pen slipped.
Joanna, i--
I hope you under...
Stand.
You don't.
George, oh buddy, I know
I didn't say anything bad
About you in here.
- So, you admit it!
- I'm sorry.
Oh, d*ck.
Those things I said...
- Michael,
please don't apologize.
I didn't even...
- It was only
in the heat of the moment
That I called you
"the human tranquilizer."
- I am not the least...
"The human tranquilizer"?
You called me
"the human tranquilizer"?
- d*ck, it was only
after that one show.
Okay, two shows.
But they were right in a row.
- Get out! Out!
- d*ck!
Out!
- I have encountered wildlife.
- Skunk, right?
- Eww! Ick! Pew, pew, pew!
Ick! Ick!
Pew, pew, pew!
- So, what's for breakfast?
- Uh, if it's the same to you,
Why don't we serve
breakfast to you
On the--
on the back porch?
That way the pigeons will land
right-- right on your plate.
- Really?
Boy this vacation
just gets better and better.
Stephanie:
ick! Pew, pew!
- Sure hope
nothing else happens to him.
Then again,
I want him to enjoy himself.
- May-- may I come in?
- What do you want, michael?
- Well, we did set a meeting
to talk about sunday's show.
If we don't pick a guest,
You'll wind up
interviewing an empty chair.
Not that
you couldn't pull that off.
- I just wanna get
this overwith.
- Well, here
are the ten best people
I-- I found on my trip.
It's sort of my own personal
"ten most wanted" list.
( Chuckling )
I hate it when I do that too,
d*ck.
Steph, is that you or just
a life-size edition of vogue?
( Spitting )
d*ck do I have to take this food
to mr. Kellman?
He smells.
- I'll take it.
One skunk
is as bad as another.
- Michael, you searched
the state for four days
And came back with a man
Who does hand shadows
of vice presidents?
- He's pretty good, d*ck.
- I don't want him.
- I don't blame you.
- Michael, would you like me
to do something with your hat?
- Well-- well
thank you, joanna.
That--
that would be very kind.
- Oops, little miss perfect
missed the hat rack.
May I take your coat?
- No.
- Watch out.
Heads up.
Gangway.
- Ow!
- Well, I said
"watch out."
- What is-- what is so special
about this acrobat?
- He's years old.
He's kind of an inspiration,
d*ck.
- What kind of tricks
can he do?
- Well, not many,
But he comes with his own mats.
- No.
- He's out.
- Michael, my goodness.
I didn't see you there.
- That's all right, george.
Better sat on - ow!
Than that.
d*ck, uh,
forget the list.
Who-- who would you like
on the show this week?
- Well, I've always wanted
that geologist.
- Well, why not?
Say goodbye to stephanie
for me.
- Don't forget your hat.
- I never will.
Well, thank you
for your time, d*ck.
I-- I hope
to see you all--
Soon.
- Oh no. He's gone?
- He just left.
- Damn. I reloaded for nothing.
Isn't that just like him?
The man is filth.
- Did you see the way
he took my chair?
Sat right down in it
While the cushion
was still warm.
What a sneak!
- He's an opportunist.
He's a manipulator.
He's...
Bug spit.
- Now, we're--
we're getting close
To crossing a line here.
I mean, don't-- don't you see
what you're doing?
- Yeah. We're trashing michael.
- And if you're not going to
pitch in, butt out.
- Come on. He-- he called us
names because he was angry and--
And we're doing the same thing.
Well, not-- not me.
I mean, michael
is a real victim here.
We stole his diary.
Well, not-- not-- not me.
- Well, I read it
but I certainly didn't steal it.
- Well, neither did i.
( Music playing )
( Doorbell rings )
- d*ck, joanna,
Cupcake.
( Doorbell rings )
So, what--
what brings you here?
Did you think of some more stuff
to do to me?
- Stephanie has something she--
She wants to say to you
For-- for all of us.
- Oh, pooh.
- There's more.
- Michael, after you left
We started to say
a lot of bad things...
Where's the
picture of me in blue?
It was my ninth favorite.
- I--
I took it down.
- Took it down?
Why don't you just pull
a block out of the pyramids?
- Uh, stephanie,
you were-- you were saying?
- I don't have to say
another thing.
After this,
michael and I are even.
- Well, maybe--
maybe I can expand
On stephanie's theme here.
After you left...
What the hell is that?
- Cupcake corner.
- Ah.
Anyway, after--
after you left we--
We were saying
terrible things about you.
Well, not-- not-- not me.
But we were-- we were saying
terrible things
Because we-- we--
we were angry.
Well, not-- not--
not-- not me.
The-- the point is that,
I mean, everyone is guilty
of harboring bad thoughts
About everybody else.
- But-- but not you.
- In-- including me.
- You just said you didn't have
bad thoughts about me.
- I have bad thoughts
about you all the time.
- ( Chuckling )
come on, d*ck.
You don't have it in you.
- I'm chock-full
of bad thoughts about you.
- Name one.
- Michael, i--
I'm not gonna call you names.
- See?
You don't have it in ya.
- You're shallow, okay?
- "Shallow"?
I-- I can't believe
you said that.
- Joanna called you--
Honey, what-- what
did you call him?
- Manipulator,
opportunist, uh...
- Shallow?
- I called you a sneak.
- d*ck, I thought
we were friends.
- Did you hear
what george said?
A sneak.
And-- and you should've heard
what stephanie said.
- Joanna called you
"bug spit."
- Stephanie!
- Okay, okay, okay.
I called you "filth."
- Wow.
"Shallow"?
Well, thanks everybody.
You've given me a new goal
for my board.
"Find reason to live."
- Michael, will you stop for
a second and-- and listen to me?
"Get chummy with sinatra"?
We, uh, we came here to--
to apologize.
- Apologize?
Why should you apologize?
- Be-- be--
because we read your diary.
Those were your personal,
private thoughts.
- I know. I'm sorry.
I was wrong to have
personal thoughts.
- Everyone has
personal thoughts.
All-- all you did was--
was write them down.
- I'm sorry.
I'll burn the diary.
- Michael, it--
it was wrong of--
Of-- of us to--
To read
Your
Diary.
- Let me see
if I'm following this.
You're saying you're wrong?
- Morally wrong.
- Then I'm right.
- Yes.
- Morally right.
- I think we finally
struck brains.
- So, in other words,
what I'm entitled to feel here
Is a kind of...
Outrage?
- Moral outrage.
- Well all right.
Get out! Everybody out!
- Michael!
- Come on, don't talk.
Just go. Out! Scram!
b*at it!
d*ck, how long does one remain
morally outraged?
- Six days.
- Right. Get out!
- Well, I really don't know
how to thank you folks.
- Well, obviously
shaking hands is out.
- Here's your receipt,
and doc phipps says
If you'll just stop by
on your way out of town,
He'll be happy
to give you that rabies sh*t.
- Well, thanks again,
and rest assured
I'll be telling everyone I know
about the stratford inn.
- Yeah, he'll be a walking
advertisement for this place.
( Music playing )
( Music playing )
04x09 - Write to Privacy
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.