Harry Pattern and the Magic Pen (2023)

[bunniefuu]

This film is brought to you by the
Los Angeles CineFest Film Festival,

the Hollywood Screenings Film
Festival and the Scares Award.

Have you ever wondered what happened to

Harry Pattern your
favourite childhood Idol?

Yes that's me.

I played in a few
other films like

Averages

A Hard Die remake.

Or John Wig.

Hollywood asked me
to be in a reboot but

I'm old and audiences
is need young

energetic actors to
play the lead not a

bum like me.

Recently I lost my wand.

So I use anything I
can find to create magic.

Well let's try this pen

I need to take a
break from acting

for many years I
followed each story

every single script
and nobody asked me

"Hey Harry do you
have any stories to tell?"

Nope no one asked me that

I didn't have a
chance to tell my

stories to express
what was in my mind.

So I started to write.

And I write a lot.

Jessie?

Hey, you must be Drew

You want sit down?

Thank you.

Lie.

At Graceland.

At Graceland I look like I was
the world's youngest elves fan

Cheers to that.

Cheers.

So Emerson said
you go to a lot of

concerts who's
your favourite band?

All time or like right now?

Right now. Maybe "Wolf pack"

I love them.

Yeah? I just I just
saw them when I

was visiting
friends in New York.

No way where?

Prospect Park

I was at that show.

What or the first
or second night?

It was it the one where the girl
ran up on stage and she changed.

Insecurity tackled
her my God yes.

Yeah.

That was insane.

So we go and ring
the doorbell her

parents let us in out
of the pouring rain

and then my brother
sees a picture on

the mantle with
the little girl in it

No.

And he goes

that's her that's
the girl we picked up

And then the wife
the she starts sobbing

uncontrollably

the husband he the
husband says she d*ed

15 years ago

then he takes his hand
and puts it on my shoulder

and he says this
happens every year since

My God.

On the day she d*ed.

I have chills

look I feel like Goosebumps.

You feel cold?

Here let me hear my sweater

what what the shirt

laundry day my orgasm
donor shirts in the wash.

So can I do this yet?

Definitely I had
such a good time.

Same.

Do me to walk you to car?

I am okay thanks.

Jesse.

My God.

Okay that's hilarious.

I told you it was in the wash

I thought was gonna be late.

No it just got here.

I can't believe you're
wearing the shirt.

I thing I love this shirt.

I don't want to go home yet
I'm having such a good time.

Well I can eat I saw a dinner
on the way over here you

want to follow me

take a lift

Today have hash
browns or home fries

hash browns they
look disgusting this

whole place looks
disgusting and the

French toast is 19 dollars.

What?

Actually

I have eggs at my place

can I make you an omelette

I don't know

do you have home fries.

Drew?

Hey I'm in the kitchen
cooking breakfast

can I borrow your shirt?

Yeah top drawer

Wieners.

Master.

Baiter.

Morning wood.

My God.

I put the art in fart.

What the ffff...?

You found one?

Jesse?

I forgot everything
at work I gotta go

Every single one

not even a plain
white tea? I thought I

found one and
then I unfolded it and

there were cartoon
pubes drawn on the

bottom. That's pretty funny.

That’s not funny. It's insane.

Why don't you just
ask him about it?

I panicked I just left.

Are you sure this isn't another
classic Jessie move where

you you know find the flaw in an

otherwise perfect
guy? he had at least at

least four shirts with
the word suck on them.

Okay I'm just saying
you did dump a guy

once because he
wore cufflinks? they're

strangely formal it's like wrist

hearings

didn't you say he
was an ER doctor who

helped uninsured
children? yeah and after

your first date you
said you had never

felt so close to
another person so

quickly.

You said that.

And

wolf pack

I know.

Wolf pack.

Maybe you're right

just go talk to the guy

I'm glad you called.

I'm excited to finally
be able to cook for you.

Can I talk to you
about something?

Yeah what's up

With all these
dirty joke shirts?

It's all you wear.

Yeah they're hilarious

are they?

I don't know

I spend my day in
Scrub's operating on

kids

sometimes I have
to tell their parents

they didn't make it

it's a lot

so when I get a
chance to wear some

street clothes I
guess I like to have a

little fun with it

that's actually so so sweet

I'm an assh*le.

I'm glad we talked about this.

I'm glad you're here.

Bon appetite.

I can't do this.

Each day seems to
be the same I wake up

I drink some mushroom
coffee and I go

for a walk

The only difference
is that each day a

different dog barks at me

But I want to be remembered

as a good guy

I need to think about it

Meanwhile let's
finish this story

Good evening do you
have a reservation?

Hi forgive me bad habits.

Don't worry happens so
do you have reservation?

Yeah table

for two name should
be under a Robinson

Robinson

Mr Robinson follow
me great hope you'll

enjoy your meal with
us? yeah thank you

um I needed this
actually had a week

from hell. why
what happened? well I

plunged through an
exam this morning.

Congrats what do
you study first year

philosophy..UFT

No way, I think my parents
let me apply to philosophy.

Yeah yeah my parents gave

me a lot of Brief
too you just have to

commit to doing a
f*ck ton of readings

yeah they say it's
a dead end for my

career but I guess
they're right but

it's a passion
exactly exactly that's

what I told my folks

So...

what brings you
here nice hot Friday

night date?

Hot

um... I don't know
about that just yet it's

a blind one

Hi Gareth.

Hi Stephanie?

That's me

great hi

Hi

Um...

Awesome.

Okay, great thank you.

So can I start you
two off with anything

to drink?

I would like osahi... Just a
glass of water its fine, thank you.

So Gareth

yeah Stephanie
tell me about yourself.

I study first year UFT

I great I go to UFT as well

uhuh...

um... philosophy

first year two

just like you

So Gareth

Water for you.

And osahi for
Aristotle I'm actually

more of an Epicurus

Sorry what's the Language
would you speaking?

Philosophy jinx

Can I order it please?

What will you be having?

I haven't decided yet

I'm ready I'll have
the spicy tuna and

dragon rolls please

just the edamame and
an avocado roll please

Vegetarian? Yes.

And no Wasabi either
that comes on the

side

Great.

And no Ginger either

I'm not so spicy that
also comes on the

side

hope you love birds
enjoy your meal?

So Garrett yeah

um

I see you're a vegetarian

yes I care about
living creatures and I

care about our
ecosystem and I care

about the planets
and ouch Gareth

I'm so sorry

what's the matter?

You're asking what's the matter?

That fish d*ed for
you is what's the

f*cking matter

well fish are my
friends but so is a

chicken

I'm sorry it was
it was just a joke

All you men have
no f*cking manners.

Hey I'm sorry it's
it's just my ADHD

well then my OCD
and view of today's

society just aren't
compatible whether

we're sitting next
to each other on a

bus or having a
hot a**l sex in my

apartment

so last night not go
too good? no it did

not go so good so well

corrected myself
there I noticed you saw

right

yeah yeah

so is this round
number two? yeah

so how is convincing
your parents to let

you apply philosophy
going? good news I

convinced them
amazing you should apply

to U of T I plan to you know

we should celebrate
sometime? yeah I'm

down

so is this guy

howdy you must be
good. hi Alexandra?

Nice to meet you

so I take your orders sir?

I'll have the tempura
shrimp and an

order of the teriyaki beef

Fine.

Of course Thanks girl.

So Gareth

Alexandra

I heard you study philosophy.

What got you hooked?

The

this might sound
a little bit weird but

when I was in kindergarten I was

diagnosed with ADHD
it's made me think

and feel differently
from the other kids

in my grade this
inspired me to sort of

figure out why the
world made me this

way

one of the benefits
of having ADHD other

than being really
hyper is that you get

fixated on these things

small things I got
fixed on reading

books different
books about different

people's views on
the world and it sort

of made me realise
like Jim Morrison

would say that I was

thrown into the
world this way which

made it my destiny
to be a philosopher

what about you Alex?

What do you study? I'm sorry
if I'm overwhelming you too

much no

um this kind of Energies

Hot.

I go to York for psych

I guess to why I
chose a screw path

that's because you
only needed to see in

high school to
get in but I'm in a

sorority so that's
kind of memories

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah cool

so

Have you decided
on dinner yet by any

chance?

Yeah...

hi but you're
gonna have to change

your order? hey

got you there

um

I'll

happily change my order

I came here for all right

all right

… Let’s come...
in this Laboratory...

Opss...

don't worry I don't fight

What?

What you want clock walker?

I am sorry we are closing.

Let’s me swap.

I told you were...

so sorry

I'll leave you to be

hey sport do you do you have a

reservation?

Yeah a table for two

could be under Robinson

yes yes Mr Robinson
come with me your

date's right over
here great go get him

tiger

and have that
big d*ck energy yeah

wow hi scary

Roxanne? Yeah. That’s me.

Hi nice to meet you

nice to meet you

um… ops...

My chair is there.

Um...

thanks

so yeah tell me
about yourself? I'd love

to

Sorry if I just cut
you off with my ADHD

I actually have ADHD
too. really? yeah

well this was meant
to be I heard you

study psychology?
Philosophy yeah yes

I've actually recently
gotten into human emotions,

Understanding certain
types of people in general

How they feel, their likes,
their dislikes their wants

their goals, desires

I'm film major, York University
in the fine arts department

and I know what
you're thinking life

choices but I feel
like it's going to

help me in how I
direct my actors as a

whole yeah cool

really? yeah thank
you you're so sweet

you're sweet thank
you thank you what's

your favourite movie?
Mom will be Mother

by Darren Aronofsky?

Sorry I yeah don't
be I understand why

you wouldn't like
Aronofsky's work

yeah I'm really sorry but um

I can't do this

do what?

Watch Requiem for a Dream

my God I'm so
bad for dinner can you

just listen to me for a second?

I'm sorry for
yelling I'm sorry for

making a mess I'm fine I am

I yell and I spill
drinks all the

f*cking time I just
don't think this is

gonna work

you seem lovely but

so what's wrong?
No no it's nothing that

you did it's totally
completely me at

I'm really sorry

I hope you have a great

meal.

Hey.

Hey

no it's just stupid
a flammable dildo?

Children are probably
going to watch

this

noooo... I need to write
something else

when you hear anorexic I
know what you

think young girl
teens maybe early 20s

definitely Rich
parents that beg her to

eat dinner and when
she won't they cry

and group hug and
check her into a posh

rehab where she
meets other Rich Young

equally dark and
quirky people and they

do sh*t like goat
yoga and Equine

Therapy all f*cking day then she

Instagrams her thigh
gap and hashtags it

with things like size
double zero skinny

fat Anna Mia thinspo
ugly and self-hate

maybe in a lifetime
movie none of that's

me

Okay maybe the
Instagram thing only when

I need reassurance
but otherwise not me

your grateful narrator
is definitely not

rich

in fact I'm super
late on my rent right

now which is really
pathetic because I

just live in a shitty
room I found on

Craigslist in this
house owned by a

creepy old dude who
looks like he wants

to r*pe me or eat
me with a glass of

Chianti

I know what you're thinking

she doesn't look
anorexic she's way too

f*cking fat

well I'm in recovery
assh*le so how

about a little support

but I am a starving artist pun

intended

so it's totally
acceptable to be poor

and spottily employed at 24 25.

Okay 26 to 36 it's
probably a good thing

I've had to struggle
so much you know it

makes me a richer
actor builds character

it's going to happen
for me soon though

I know it

I'm a very positive
optimistic person

and I'm not one of
those actresses who's

never done anything

I was just on
three episodes of a

relatively successful web series

it sucks because
I'm five foot eight and

a quarter so my
weight never sounds

skinny no matter what
my best weight was

106 which was really
an accomplishment

but unfortunately it
doesn't sound very

dramatic everybody
flipped when the

Olsen twins got
down to like 80 pounds

but they're wet
maybe five feet tall and

it's five pounds
for every inch so

comparatively I'd
be equivalent to their

80 pound alleged
skinniness at 120

pounds so unfair
why am I weighing

myself if I'm supposed
to be in recovery

of course I weigh
myself every day how

else are you supposed
to know how you're

going to feel about
yourself that day

totally kidding I know
my value is not a

number on the scale blah blah

mother f*cking blah

so anyway not to
worry your big boned

narrator has got
her sh*t together

that's Mandy she
wanted to walk with

me today

should I wait?

She'll catch up.
So Mandy and our

other friend Shelly
and me were all best

friends in high school
but they were the

popular cheerleaders
National Honor

Society life at the
parties I was the

third wheel who
always got a little too

drunk at the parties
and everything that

came with that

they were supposed
to have peaked in

high school I
believed those after

school specials
that told me things

would get better
after high school when

I could be my real self

but everything
keeps working out for

them

f*ck. Maybe I'm the
one who peaked in

high school nope
nope no more feeling

sorry for myself I promise

I already ate

Lizzy you look
great which obviously

means I look fat I
guess I don't really

worry about it anymore

380 maybe 400
calories in a slice

200 for half wine
140 calories of glass

there's vodka in my
room 65 calories a sh*t

You are so lucky to be single

you don't have
someone checking on you

every five minutes
yeah renting a room

from creepy Chianti
Craigslist's guys way better.

So. Have you gotten a job yet?

I know you're still
doing the acting thing

but I mean like a job job

I'm sorry did I order
judgment on my pizza?

Yeah I have a lot of leads

tell me about you

what's it like being
a mom just get past

the pizza be stronger
than the pizza

another glass of
wine is better it's in

vodka if I need it

not gonna lie

but it is just

so 400 plus one of
the most amazing 270

or 280 plus BMR of
about 13.50 so 2150

b*rned so

um have you been
on Instagram today?

No.

Why?

Okay

I'm gonna tell you
something but I don't

want you to go on
one of your downward

spirals

then maybe you
shouldn't say it like

that

Shelley booked a
series regular on TV.

No f*cking way. Wow.

You both have been
doing this a really

long time so you
know how hard that is

or that entitled lucky ass
bitch can go f*ck herself.

Of course of course

of course doesn't
that give you some

sort of Hope

you guys have the
same agent right

Yes we have the
same f*cking agent.

Why would he get
Shelly that audition

and not me?

She's not f*cking cankles

he probably wants to f*ck her

or he wants to f*ck with my head

of course he's still mad at
me from what

I know showed that
one audition that was

totally not my fault

he's a psychological
ninja gaslighting

narcissistic
m*therf*cker. Elizabeth

you're bloated
struggling narrator is

sick of everybody emotionally

waterboarding her

You might think
I'm crazy for riding

alone at 2:30 in the
morning but I'm not

what else am I supposed to do

I'm not one of those
people that says

I'll start tomorrow

that's how 70 percent
of Americans got

to be overweight or obese

I know I'm not
worried about anybody

attacking me or
anything I'm so fat and

gross right now
nobody's gonna try to

r*pe me

right now you're
probably thinking I

look like a hopeless
whiny pitiful mess

maybe you can't stand
me right now maybe

you're like can
she f*cking shut up.

I get it

I completely f*cking agree

you're worthless fat
ass narrator knows

exactly how shitty
of a person she is

You know how some time you
have one bite and you just can't stop

I guess that's kind
of what happened

last night

but don't worry
you're self-deprecating

narrator has got
it totally under

control

I just need to outrun
my f*ck up just

not eat today then
I will be healthy and

optimistic and
positive and sh*t.

I will

I'll I'll start tomorrow

Yeah...

Lord Voldemort on
the toilet that could work

but how am I going
to hide his nose?

Also he needs to be shaved

anyway

that was something

I didn't know I
could write so many

stories in less than
an hour it has the

potential to be a nice

pattern the brain
not only receives

information but
also interprets and

patterns it I can
tell I'm pleased with

myself

sh*t. I knew I should have
drunk five

mushroom coffees
in her own time will

not slow down when
something unpleasant

lies at the bottom
of your stomach.

I'll finish the other
characters some other time.