04x12 - I Am Mamaw, Hear Me Roar!

[bunniefuu]

OK, You Bautiful high
school graduates, hold still.

I'm setting the timer now.
Kemy, man up for Pete's sake.

You're right. You're right.
I don't want to be
teary-eyed in my Lilly's...

[sobbing] ...graduation picture!

Oh, real classy, Dad.

- OK, here we go.
- [timer beeping]

- And...
- [camera clicks]

Well, for heaven's sake!

All right.

- Second time's the charm!
- Wait. Hold on.

[blowing nose]

Dad, Dad,
you're embarrassing me.

And I'm paying
for your college.

I'd like to think that
earns me some emotional space.

- OK, here we go.
- [camera beeping]

Dang flabbit!

OK, I think I've got it now.

- OK. And...
- [beeping]

All right. Here I go.

[beeping]

It's not doing anything.

Can we not do this when
I graduate from college?

You mean if you graduate.

[both mimicking]
You mean if you graduate.

- Shut up!
- Oh, cheese and biscuits!

They can send a man to the moon
but they can't make a camera
with a timer that...

- [camera clicks]
- Oh, well, that just tears it!

Somebody get me
a pad and pencil,
I will sketch the dang picture.

Uh, can you draw me in?
'Cause I gotta go tohe john.

- Honey, language.
- Restroom.

I'm just goma go
guard the door.

I won't be able to do that
when she's...

[sobbing] ...in college.

Darn camera.
This thing is about as useful

as a blow dryer
in a bald man's bathroom.

Just calm down.
Let me take a look at it.

I would just like one
nice picture with my
grandbaby on her graduation.

Well, Mamaw, then maybe
you shouldn't have
bought your camera

at Uncle Bud's
House of Suds Car Wash.

I bought your daddy's
first guitar at Uncle Bud's,

and I'll have you know,
things turned out just fine
for him, thank you very much.

You told me you got it
from Johmy Cash.

Yeah, and I set your pet
goldfish free in the lake.
Grow up!

Now, take the picture
before I lose my happy face!

I don't feel very happy.

One second. Sorry.

- [cell phone ringing]
- It's Kelly Ripa's people

just confirming the interview
at the house on Monday.

Sometime between now
and my death would be perfect.

- Sorry.
- Yo, Stewart.
Don't want to be rude,

- but my sister is a big fan...
- I love you in the front,

- and back!
- She's weird, I know.

- Can we get a picture?
- Yeah, but I just promised...

- Great, over here then.
- OK, then.

You have got to be kidding me.

Geez, Palumbo,
give the girl a little space.

- Since when have you
become so considerat
- I'm not.

Yo, Isabel, picture time.

My niece, big fan.

And If she asks,
I dumped you, all right?

What?! [groans]

- We were here first!
- Uh...

Yeah? Well, my family
came over here with Cortez!

So technically,
we were here first!

OK, everybody, stop it.
The girl's arms are
umaturally long as it is.

- Mamaw!
- Well, I blame your daddy,

swinging you around
over his head all the time
when you were a baby.

Now, just everybody back off.

Ma, come on.
I know it's frustrating,

but you gotta understand,
ever since she took
that dang wig off,

things got a little crazy
around here.

But you are goma
get your picture with Miley.
Don't you worry.

But after us.
We're next in line.

- What line?
- [crowd clamoring]

Here we go, everybody!

♪ Come on ♪

♪ You get the limo
out front ♪

♪ Oooh ♪

♪ Hottest styles
Every shoe, every color ♪

♪ Yeah, when you're famous
it can be kind of fun ♪

♪ It's really you
but no one ever discovers ♪

♪ Who would have thought
that a girl like me ♪

♪ Would double
as a superstar ♪

Whooo!

♪ You get the best
of both worlds ♪

♪ Chill it out
Take it slow ♪

♪ Then you rock out the show ♪

♪ You get the best
of both worlds ♪

♪ Mix it all together
and you know ♪

♪ That it's the best
of both worlds ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

Yellow light, yellow light!
Yellow light!

Oh, sweet home Alabama, Mama!
I know you're upset today,

but one of your fake nails
just drew real blood.

Mamaw, it's not Dad's fault
that you didn't
get your picture.

It's Miley's.

It's always Miley's fault.

Well, at least I'm not 20 years
old and still living at home.

- Long-armed freak!
- I'm an international pop star!

I'm dating a super model!

- Almost home, almost home.
- Hush up, all of you.

Jackson is right.
I'm just ticked off over this
whole graduation situation.

People not giving
a mamaw cut'sies?

I will never
understand California.

Ya'll will spend millions
protecting some
endangered stinkbug,

but an elderly woman's
tender feelings? Squish.

When exactly will you
be flying home, Mother?

Look, Mamaw, I know life
is a little more complicated

now that I took off the wig,
but I promise
I'll make it up to you.

Tomorrow at 4:00, you
and me at the Hollywood
Plaza Hotel for...

High tea and finger sandwiches?

- With snooty waiters.
- And fumy accents.

[both] Simply scrumptious.
[laughing]

I could be an
international pop star, too.

If I had talent.

And hair extensions.

Yeah, I said it!
Hair extensions!

[both mimicking each other]

Almost home, almost home,
almost home, almost home...

Ah! People lined up
to give me money.

America, I love you.

Wow, business
looks pretty good.

Who'd have thought there'd be
such a market for cheese, tomato
and rat droppings?

[laughs] That was one time!

And you went back for seconds!

That's when I thought they were
little flavor-packed olives.

All right,
things are different now, OK?

I added a new ingredient.
Just a touch of rosemary.

Yeah, I get it. You hired
a hot girl named Rosemary
and she's serving the pizza.

No, I actually added rosemary.

But I hired Bambi!

Say hello, Bambi.

Admit it. She gets the old
taste buds going, doesn't she?

Sorry, dude. Even if I wasn't
dating a gorgeous supermodel,

which I am, I'm just
not that into short hair.

Yeah, right. So you're saying
you wouldn't be dating
Siena if she had short hair?

Wouldn't have
given her a second look.

- Given who a second look?
- You if you had short hair.

- I never said that.
- Would you like me to
play it back for you?

- You recorded that?
- I record everything.

We live in a very
litigious society.

Wait a minute. So you're saying
that you wouldn't even

- be attracted to me
if I had short hair?
- I didn't say that.

- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.

- I said I wouldn't be into her.
- What's the difference?

- Yeah, what's the difference?
- What's the difference?

[laughs] I'll tell
you the difference.

Right after a
refreshing drink of water.

So you're saying that
we wouldn't even be together
right now if I had short hair?

Why are we even
talking about this?

It's not like you're
goma cut your hair.
It's beautiful.

It's like that shirt.
You wouldn't just
chop off the sleeves.

- It'd look hideous.
- So now I look horrible?

I said hideous.
There's a difference.

- What's the difference?
- Yeah, what's the difference?

I'll tell you the difference.

♪ La-di-di-da
Oh, yeah ♪

- May I help you?
- Yes.

We have a reservation under
Muffy and Tipper Clydesdale.

Of the Malibu Clydesdales.

Of course.
I have your table ready.

Well, make it a good one.

Ooh, a dollar.

Five more of these
and I can buy some milk.

Look at this, Mamaw, no kids.

Just snooty old people that
couldn't care less who I am.

Ooh, and cucumber sandwiches!
Don't they look divine, Muffy?

- I thought I was Tipper.
- Not a good one.

- Muffy, tea time.
- You're right.

I'm not goma let
Mr. Snooty-patootey
spoil our good time.

I'm just so happy
we could do this, Mamaw.

Oh, me, too, sugar.

I can't believe
that my last grandbaby
is going off to college.

You know, I still remember
the first time we went
to tea back in Nashville.

You could barely
see over the table.

- This is gross!
- [laughs] It's
an acquired taste.

Why don't you just add a
little bit of sugar, sweetie.

Or the whole bowl.

Lord knows they charge enough.

All right. Now, first we toast.

Pinky.

And when we toast,
[affected accent]
we talk like this.

- Like this?
- [laughs] Like this.

[accent] Like this?

By George,
I think she's got it.

[both] Delightful.

[both chuckling]

Oh! Now, sweetie, tell me
all about this Jesse fella.

Do I need to like him
from the get-go or do
I squeeze him a little?

- Well, just like him. I'll...
- I know.

You will take care
of all the squeezing part.

I'm sorry.
My granddaughter adores you.

Can I bother you
for an autograph?

- Uh, well, I...
- You know,
what she's trying to say

is that she's right in the
middle of some private time
with her grandma.

And I know what you're thinking.
"My goodness, you're kidding.

She's much too young to be
a grandma." But it is true.

Lots of water, healthy diet,
and my Belly Dance Your Way
To Better Buns DVD.

- You oughta try it.
- Well, I never.

- Clearly so. Bye-bye.
- Oh!

Mamaw, it's just one autograph.

Sweetie, it's
like ants at a picnic.

You let one in,
the next thing you know,
you got the whole army

crawling all up
in your barracks.
You know what I'm sayin'.

- Excuse me.
- Ya see?

But my granddaughter's a huge
fan and I hate to bother you...

Well, then bless
your heart. Don't.

Mamaw. What's she's
trying to say

is she's just not in town
very often so we're trying
to have quality time.

- I'm sure you understand.
- Make sure she makes it out
to Katherine.

She likes Katie, but I like
Katherine and she's not here.

- She's not goma sign.
- She's not goma sign?

- She's not goma sign!
- It's not like
I don't want to sign.

- So you want to sign?
- Come on, Mamaw. It's just
a couple of autographs.

A couple?
Miley, look around.

It's not goma be a couple
of autographs, it's goma
be the whole dang restaurant.

Yeah, but they've all
got nieces or nephews
or grandkids that love me.

- Like Katie.
- Katherine. She likes Katie...

Not the time!

Mamaw,
you've got to understand

- that the fans
are part of my life.
- I know that.

But I'm a part
of your life, too.

- Of course you are, but...
- I'm just a smaller part.

- Mamaw!
- No.

You've made your choice.

Ooh!

Anyway,
make it out to Katherine.

She likes Katie,
but I like Katherine.
So if you would make it out...

She knows!

She's goma sign!

[all cheering]

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

Fine! Stay in your room.

But I think
you're being childish.

[Mamaw] I'm being childish? You
know what I have to say to that?

[Mamaw blows raspberry]

Please tell me that
came from her mouth
and not down south.

Either way, I'm not going
up there and finding out.

Day, I don't care what
she says, it's not my fault.

I know.

But she is still your mamaw.
You gotta make this right.

- No, I am not apologizing.
- I'm not asking you to.

OK, I'm asking you to.

Dad, I'm sorry,
but I didn't do anything,

and if anyone should be
saying sorry, it's Mamaw.

What is it with you women?

Why do you always have to be
so emotional and dramatic?

A guy would
never act that way.

I am not goma
apologize to that woman!

You hear me?! Never!

Then there's my boy.

Son, what's going on?

Siena is furious with me
just because I told her
I like her hair long!

And you did that by telling
her you wouldn't like it short,
didn't you?

- How did you know that?
- Well, because you're a guy,

and when a guy opens his mouth,
stupid comes out.

Dad, I do like her hair long.
So telling her
that I hated short hair

was actually a very
heartfelt compliment.

Kinda.

Son, with women, it's
the "kinda" that kills ya.

[whispers] Kills ya dead.

Your mama gave me this as
a tenth amiversary present.

Look at this.
This was me in my disco days.

- Wow.
- Wow!

Me in my new wave days.

- Wow!
- Oh, my!

And this was the cover

of my never-released
Robby Ray Does Reggae.

Why?

I'm showing you this because

your mama hated every
one of these haircuts,

but she never told me. Why?

Because she loved me
no matter what was
on top of my head.

Oh, man,
I totally don't deserve Siena.

You guys never deserve us.

You're right.

Wha...! Ow!

Wow! Look at you!

- Absolutely gorgeous!
- No, I am not!

I was so mad at you
that I got my hair cut at
the first place I could find.

- And look what he did to me!
- Hey, it's not that bad.

It makes your cheek bones
stand out and your ears look...

...prominent.

- Right, Lilly?
- Good luck!

- Dad?
- What s said.

Look, Siena, I'm sorry
if I made you do this.

And I know it's
a little late, but...

...I'd love you no matter
what your hair looks like.

Even this hideous mess?

On you,

it's beautiful.

That's all I wanted to hear.

Oh, thank the Lord.

What do you mean,
"Thank the Lord"?

For giving me you.

Aw!

You're so cute
when you're stupid.

I know.
And I'm not even trying.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
Ooh ♪

I can't believe
how fabulous your
house is, Miley.

You should really see
this place, Reeg. It's amazing.

They have a horse outside!

He's so beautiful.
When you brush him, he goes...

[flaps lips loudly]
Just like you! [laughs]

I'm kidding. I don't brush
Regis. He has people for that.

Anyway, this has been quite a
year for you, lots of changes.

Yeah, it has, but,
you know, I'm lucky.

I've had awesome friends
and a really supportive family
that has gotten me through it.

Out of my way. Move it.
Coming through.

Anybody make coffee?

For goodness sakes,
hold it down.

They're trying
to do an interview.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

You see there? At least
I can say that I'm sorry

when I've done something
wrong, unlike other people.

[laughs] That's my Mamaw.

Well, good morning
to you, Mamaw.

You're live
on Regis and Kelly.

Well, consider yourself lucky.

At least you get to be in
the picture with her, Kelly.

She's not a morning person.

Neither is Regis.

And now he's learned how
to sleep with his eyes open.
It's really creepy.

I kid ya 'cause I love ya!

[grinder buzzing]

Ma, do you have to grind
your beans right now?

Well, I'm so sorry.

Maybe I should just
suck on those beans

and then wash 'em down
with some scalding hot water.

How does that work for ya?

- I'll be right back.
- Uh, but...

You're a pro, Ripa,
rise to the challenge.

OK, well, back to you
in the studio, Reeg!

What do you mean "no"?

Well, I'm sorry, but that
eye thing really is creepy.

- Why are you doing this?
- I'm trying to get her to keep
from making so much noise.

- Not you, Dad. You!
- What am I doing?

I'm just making myself
a lovely cup of instant coffee

because I didn't get
any tea yesterday.

Come on, Mamaw.

The tea thing wasn't my fault.

And the graduation picture
wasn't my fault.

It's just my life now.
Please cut me some slack.

That's exactly what your daddy
said when his career took off.

And between the concerts
and the videos and the tours,

I saw him for all of three hours
in the next three years.

Come on, Ma,
you're exaggerating.

Mother's Day, 1994.

We celebrated
in an airport cafe

because you were switching
flights in Nashville.

And the only reason
that I got three hours

was because [sobbing]
there was fog in Boston.

- Is that true, Daddy?
- Well, Mile,
you gotta understand,

when I went number one
with Dr. Love Will See You Now,
I was huge.

So you will have to forgive me
if cutting slack is hard for me.

But I do not want to spend
another Mother's Day

in an airport cafe
eating chewy meatloaf
and lumpy mashed potatoes.

Uh, so Miley... [laughs]

You ready to come back to our
live national interview? Please?

Right after this.

OK...

So, Reeg, is it time
for that cooking segment yet?

[sobbing] Come on!

Fine way to treat
good furniture.

- Mamaw?
- I give you people a perfectly
lovely housewarming present,

and what do you do?
You dump it outdoors.

It's outdoor furniture.

You always have
to be right, don't you?

Listen, Mamaw, I...

I didn't know
about Mother's Day.

But even if I did, I'm not
sure that there's anything
I could've done differently.

I mean, I wama be
nice and respectful

to the people
that come up to me.

Of course you do.

Us Stewarts raise our
kids right, dang flabbit.

You know I love you, right?

I know that.

It's just that before
you let the secret out,

you could take that wig off and
me and my Miley could go off

and do what we wanted
and no one would bother us.

And I'm just afraid we're
never goma have that again.

[sighs] Well, maybe we won't.

Maybe we won't?

What kind of a "heartfelt,
feel-good leadin' to a hug"
kind of moment is that?

Mamaw, you didn't
let me finish.

Listen. Maybe from now on,

our private time
is just goma have to be

a little more private.
But it's still our time.

And it'll always mean as much
to me as it does to you.

That's the moment
I'm talking about.

Hey.

You got room in that hug
for a guilty son?

Get on in here, "Dr. Love".

Oh, my gosh, Kelly!

Seventy-four, 75, 76, 77!

- Uh, Kelly?
- Not now!

I'm going for my personal best!

Like to see the girls
on The View try this one.

♪ Tonight
We're goma get this ♪

♪ Tonight
We're goma get this ♪

♪ Tonight, we're
goma get this ♪

- Hey, Mamaw!
- Hey!

- Whatcha doin'?
- I never did get that

graduation picture with you.
So I'm about to fix that right now.

This is a little Photoshop,
Mamaw style.

Huh. Artsy.

But now Lilly's dad's
not in the picture.

Oh, like I need that
crybaby on my mantle.

- Now, this is a keeper.
- [laughs]