02x09 - Achy Jakey Heart" (Part 1)

[bunniefuu]

Lily, why do you
read that tabloid trash?

They're nothing but lies.

Ahem. "Hannah
Montana looks fabulous"...

with the occasional
glimmer of truth.

You didn't let me finish.

"Too bad she's really a guy."

You have got to be kidding.

I can't believe
you didn't tell me.

You've slept over at my house.

You've borrowed my bras!

Hey. I look good in a mustache.

Oh, yeah, I would
definitely date me.

Me, too.

Awkward.

Uh-oh.

Let me guess.

It's another article
about Jake Ryan, isn't it?

It says his movie is done

and he's back in
town for the premiere.

Ah, big whoop.

I don't need some
guy who kisses me

knowing he's about
to leave for 6 months

to do some stupid movie.

Jake could fall out of the sky

wearing a tuxedo
and I wouldn't care.

Uh, Miley?

I'm serious.

He could come down
giving me a dozen roses,

and it would make no difference.

Zero, zilch, El zippo.

What if he got down on his knees

and begged you to take him back?

Like that's ever gonna happen.

Sorry it's only one Rose,

but I did bring chocolates.

Not just chocolates.

Chocolates from the sky.

Jake, I don't know what to say,

so I guess I'll just
show you how I feel.

Oh.

Thank you.

Come on.

♪ You get the limo out front ♪

♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ hot styles, every
shoe, every color ♪

♪ yeah, when you're famous ♪

♪ it can be kind of fun ♪

♪ it's really you ♪

♪ but no one ever discovers ♪

♪ who would have
thought that a girl like me ♪

♪ would double as a superstar? ♪

♪ You get the best
of both worlds ♪

♪ chill it out, take it slow ♪

♪ then you rock out the show ♪

♪ you get the best
of both worlds ♪

♪ mix it all together ♪

♪ and you know that it's
the best of both worlds ♪

thanks.

Gee!

Another basket from Jake.

What a surprise.

I agree, mile.

Either date this boy Jake

or tell him to send
a workout tape,

'cause I'm about one muffin
away from my easy-fit jeans.

I got 2 words for you.

Will power.

I've got 2 words for you.

Mini jellies.

Mm. I am so weak.

Look who was waiting
in the driveway.

You can almost hear him say,

"Miley, take me back.

Give me one more chance."

Oh, I'll give you somethin'.

Not the chocolate Chip ones!

Use the bran. Nobody eats those.

Oh, my dad does. He
calls them nature's broom.

Ooh. Peanut butter balls.

Hello? Guys. This jerk hurt me,

and he's not going to win me
back with peanut butter balls.

Ok, you're right, darlin'.

I'm getting rid of everything.

Ooh, and I'll
start by grilling up

these perfectly marbled t-bones.

Medium rare, please.

You got it.

Come on, Miley.
The poor guy's done

just about everything
a girl could want.

What more could he do?

Yeah, Miley. What else can I do?

You're never gonna stop, are ya?

Miley, you've
dumped stuff on me,

and you've yelled at me,

but the one thing
you haven't done

is tell me that you
don't care about me.

Tell me that and I'll go away.

No! You can't.

He's so... and you're...
I mean... come on.

I know I kissed
you and then left,

and I'm sorry.

But I never stopped
thinking about you.

Oh! He never stopped.

And now... I mean... come on.

I'll just go help
with the steaks.

You do that. Come on, jakers.

Ok.

I never stopped
thinking about you, either.

Then you'll give
me another chance?

How about we start with tonight?

Ooh, uh.

Slight problem.

Tonight's my movie premiere.

Oh, that's ok. I mean,

it's a little more public
than I wanted, but...

Uh, no, no, no, no.
Uh, see, the thing is...

You already have
a date, don't you?

It's... it's not a
real date, ok?

It... it... it... it's
with my co-star, ok?

We just have to
pretend that we're dating

for the press you
know, a kiss or two,

but it doesn't mean anything.

Nothing you say
ever means anything.

You're the same jerk you were


You're a jerk with a headache.

I don't have a...

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

I'm so hot.

Yes, you are.

Can I get a bottle of water?

Yes, you are.

Can! I mean... yes, you can.

Oh. Sorry.

Rico just tripled
his price to 3 bucks.

But that's all I have,
and as I said before,

I'm so, so hot.

Don't go anywhere.

Whoo!

Ok.

I've taken care of me. Now you.

You can have the
employee discount.

Mwah ha ha ha!

You're fired.

What are you talking about?

Nice work, Natasha.

Go buy yourself
something pretty.

No! No, wait! Come back.

I'm willing to look past
this and start anew.

You ripped me off.

Me? You're the one
ripping people off.



That's stealing.

That's america.

You wanna give stuff away?

Open your own shack.

You can call it "ihof,"

international house of failure!

Well, maybe I will.

But instead, I'll call it

"international house of
reasonably-priced water

and fries and stuff."

Ihorpwfs.

Yeah! Yeah.

Hear the name and tremble, rico.

Ihorpwfs.

I'm Brian winters,
and the stars are all out

for the premiere of

teen gladiators
and the sword of fire.

And here are the
teen gladiators...

Jake Ryan and Marissa Hughes...

Comin' over to talk
to me... Brian winters.

So, Jake. I don't
know what's bigger,

the buzz about this movie
or the buzz about you two.

Oh, well, thanks, Brian.

We're both really
excited about this movie,

aren't we, honey?

We sure are, jakey.

We sure are, jakey.

Look at her. Draped
over him like...

Drapes.

Cheap, clingy drapes.

It's disgusting.

Sure is.

How can you guys
keep eating that stuff?

That's Jake's steak.

The stake he drove
through my heart.

The good news
is, it cuts like butter.

Dad!

I'm sorry, darlin', but...

You're better off without him.

If he's gonna
choose her over you,

he obviously has no taste.

Except in meat.

This fillet is fantastic.

Look at him.

All kissy with marissy.

It's only pretend. It
doesn't mean anything.

Yeah, right! I was
on your TV show, bub.

You're not that good an actor.

So, Jake, tell me.

When did you first
know you were in love?

Well, I know it sounds hokey,

but the minute I looked
into Miley's eyes...

Miley? Oh, sorry.

I... I meant Marissa.

What?

Did he just say... shhh!

Yow.

Girls hate the name flub.

Trust me, been there, done that.

But, uh, we all make
mistakes, right, Jake?

Yeah, and...

I'm in the middle of
a big one right now.

Marissa's a good friend,

but the truth is

I'm in love with a girl
named Miley Stewart.

But I blew it.

That's the difference
between movies and real life.

In real life,

you don't always
get a happy ending.

I'm love with a girl
named Miley Stewart.

I'm love with a girl
named Miley Stewart.

I'm in love with a girl
named Miley Stewart.

Mile, you're gonna break it.

I don't care.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Hey, gladiator.

Miley?

Who says real life doesn't
have happy endings?

This is so cool.

I'm used to Hannah being famous,

but now Miley is, too.

Your life is totally
gonna change.

It is not.

Other than having
the best boyfriend ever,

my Miley life is going
to stay exactly the same.

Hi hi!

Ashley, are you lost?

You are so funny!

I've always loved
that about you.

Mean girl say what?

Stop it. You are a delight.

We are gonna be
such great friends.

Lily, I love what you've
done with your hair.

I'm wearing a hat.

Hi hi.

What are you doing here?

You said you were
going to the mall.

And you said you
were getting a manicure.

Yeah, I am. With my new b.F.F.

You mean my new b.F.F.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

All your beach needs
at reasonable prices.

I... I got... I got
mylar balloons!

And... and day-old bran muffins.

Oh, come on, everybody.
They're nature's broom.

Hey, Jackson, how's it going?

Dude, I don't get it.

Rico rips people off, and
he still gets all the business.

Well, maybe, because at rico's

you get overpriced
hot dogs, right?

And here, you get
half-price food poisoning.

I mean, seriously, Jackson,

this relish... Stinks.

That's mayonnaise, ok.

Ok, so... so maybe the shack
doesn't have refrigeration,

and the food isn't
always edible,

and maybe we do have a
little bit of a bug problem.

But the shack's got character.

And like me, it's here to stay.

I can fix this.

Yeah, you got nacho cheese

all over my mom's
homemade jerky.

How will I live with the guilt?

I was supposed to
take this to the precinct

for the other cops,

but now you got the
meat with the cheese.

It's not kosher.

Oh, detective Schwartz is
gonna go all meshugenna.

Dude, I don't want
to tell you how

to run your shack,

but this only works for, like,

really short people.

Not now, Todd. Hey, what's this?

Well, it was

my mom's homemade jerky.

Covered in cheese?

How is it?

Oh ho ho ho ho.

♪ I'm the man who
had the cheese ♪

♪ I'm the man
who had the jerky ♪

♪ we put 'em both together ♪

♪ and dude, it really worky ♪

♪ cheese jerky ♪

♪ say what? ♪
♪ Say what? ♪

♪ Cheese jerky ♪

♪ say what? ♪
♪ Say what? ♪

♪ Mozzarella, moose,
Swiss, and the gouda Turkey ♪

♪ just one taste, it'll
drive you berserky ♪

♪ cheese jerky ♪

♪ say what? ♪
♪ Say what? ♪

♪ And it's all freaky,
freaky, freaky fresh ♪

Sizzling stew and
smokin' oken enterprises,

patent pending. Oooh.

Cheese jerky?

That's the dumbest
thing I ever heard.

Maybe, but it's delicious.

Just try it.

You don't like it?

It's delicious,
but it's not mine.

Yet.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

You see those
sparkly stars in a line?

That's Orion's belt.

And that star just to
the right of the belt?

That's my new favorite.

It's named Miley.

Shut up. It is not.

It is now.

Here's the
certificate to prove it.

You named a star after me?

Well, it was either that

or a half-mile of interstate 5.

Miley,

I never felt so close
to anyone before,

and I don't want there to be
any secrets between us, so,

I'm going to tell you something

that I've never
told anyone before.

Please don't have a hairy back.

Please don't have a hairy back!

My real name is Leslie.

Ha ha ha. Leslie,
right, that's good.

Ha ha. Seriously,
what's the secret?

That is the secret.

And I love that name.

I had a hamster
named Leslie once

until I figured
out it was a boy.

Go ahead, make fun.

No, no, no. I'm sorry. I'm...

I'm actually touched
that you trust me so much.

I do. And I can't tell
you how great it feels

that I don't have to hide
part of my life from you

'cause I know that
you'd never do that to me.

Yeah! Sure! Of course.

Now we know everything
about each other.

Yeah. Sure. Of course.

There are no secrets between us.

Yeah. Sure. Of course.

That star didn't set you
back too much, did it?

♪ Hey ♪

♪ oh, whoa, oh ♪

Well.

So.

Yup.

Dad.

Don't you think
the light would be

much better in the house?

Oh, don't worry
about me, darlin'.

I can see everything
I need to see

right here.

Oh, all right.

I'm gonna read
family circus now,

so it should take
about 2 seconds.

Ready... 1, 2! Good night, Jake.

Uh, good night, sir.

Oh, honey, don't be mad at me.

I gave you 2 seconds.

It's not my fault the
boy's got slow lips.

It's not that.

Daddy, tonight Jake was
totally honest with me,

and because of
the Hannah secret,

I couldn't be the same with him.

And when he asked me
out for tomorrow night,

I had to lie to him again

because Hannah's reading to
that second-grade class tomorrow.

What kind of
relationship will it be

if I have to lie to him
about half of my life?

Well, you could
always tell him the truth.

What?!

Or not.

Honey, I know it's
a tough decision,

but I'm sure you'll
make the right one.

No, I won't. I'm 14.

I'm almost guaranteed
to mess this up.

You're the adult.

You're supposed
to tell me what to do.

What kind of a father would I be

if I just ordered you
around all the time?

A normal one?

I swear, you are no help at all.

Huh. Boy.

Even when I don't say somethin',

I say somethin' wrong.

Well, at least
they're off the porch.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

"And so all the animals

"on honest island " were saved.

"All because Trudy
"the truthful turtle

"promised she would never tell

another lie."

Thank you, Hannah! Class?

Thank you, Hannah Montana.

Does anyone have
questions about honesty

for miss Montana?

Or... We could
read another book.

How about, uh,

frankie the fibbing frog.

Swigniblets.

Samantha.

Hannah, have you ever lied?

Good question.

Any more questions?

Yeah, sweetie?

Why won't you answer
Samantha's question?

Listen, sometimes
life gets complicated,

and people get put
into situations that are...

Complicated.

Miss Montana, I'm sure
you're not suggesting

to a class of second
graders that lying is ever ok.

No, no, no, no,
no. Of course not.

It's just that, uh, sometimes...

You have to.

Hannah Montana's a liar!

Ooh...

No, no, of course
not. Listen, listen.

It's just that, you
know, uh, well,

Superman doesn't tell Lois Lane

that he's Clark Kent,

but it doesn't mean
he doesn't love her.

Superman's a liar?

No, no, no, no. Never
mind. He isn't real.

Superman isn't real?

Oh, oh, oh, hey, come on.

Ok. How many of your
parents have told you

that you're going to
be president someday?

Well, see? Think about it.

Not all of you can be president.

Odds are, none of
you will be president.

Well, it's just... I'll get a...

Who wants free cds?

Free cds, everyone.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ ooh ♪

Hey, Miley. I got your call.

What's up?

Jake,

you were totally
honest with me, and...

I have a secret, too.

And I'm not sure how
you're gonna take it.

Oh, come on, how bad can it be?

You're not married, are you?

No. I'm not married,

and neither is Hannah Montana.

What?

I'm Hannah Montana.

♪ They say that good
things take time ♪

♪ but really great things ♪

♪ happen in the
blink of an eye ♪

♪ thought the chances to meet ♪

♪ somebody like you ♪

♪ were a million to one ♪

♪ I cannot believe it ♪

♪ oh, ah ♪

♪ you're one in a million ♪