01x19 - Money for Nothing, Guilt for Free

[bunniefuu]

Okay, I want everybody to
close your eyes and find your...

'happy place'.

Now imagine all the good things in your life.

Great shoes,

perfect hair...

-Very berry lip shine.
-Very berry lip shine.

[Both exclaim]
[Mimicking sizzle]

Wow, even though I can't
see it, it's still annoying.

I know, now it's in my happy place.

Okay, open your eyes.

Now that you had time to
think about what you have,

it's time to think about
those who aren't as lucky.

Yes, it's time again for our school

to raise money for the...

[Imitating drum roll]

United People's Relief Fund.

And you, my little relievers, are
going to help the less fortunate.

Like Ms. Dawson, the librarian?

Ms. Dawson is not less fortunate.

She chooses to dress that way.

It's too bad, she could be
all that and a bowl of pudding.

I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Corelli.

I was on my way to school when I had
to wrestle a cat away from a baby bird

and then I felt sorry for the
cat so I had to go to the pet store

to get him some food and then I
saw this lost dog with a sore paw...

Whoa, Sarah.

Why is it every time I talk to
you I get the urge to give blood...

And call my mom?

Which, if you knew my mom,
it's sort of the same thing.

I'm sorry, where were we?

You were crushing on Ms. Dawson.
[Exclaiming in disgust]

No, I wasn't. I was thinking about pudding.

Moving on. United People's Relief Fund.

Like last year, the person or
team that raises the most cha-ching

gets a day off school, uh..uh..

picture in the newspaper. Yeah!

And a $300 gift card to the Malibu Mall.

[Bell ringing-♪]

Ah finally; Lunch time!

We have to win. I need a
new deck for my skateboard.

I just want to win so Amber and Ashley don't.

Otherwise it's gonna be another
year of listening to them gloat.

Hey, guys, look, we know we gloated last year

and we feel really bad about that.

So we just wanted to say good luck.

May the best fundraiser win.

Okay, something doesn't smell right here.

Sorry.

I knew I shouldn't have
had that breakfast burrito.

I'm talking about Amber and Ashley.

They're up to something.

-And we just have to watch our backs.
-You got it.

♫

♫ Come on!

♪ You get the limo out front ♪
♪ Uh, uh, uh ♪

♪ Hottest styles, every shoe, every color ♪

♪ Yeah, when you're famous it can be kind of fun ♪

♪ It's really you but no one ever discovers ♪

♪ Who would have thought that a girl like me ♪

♪ Would double as a superstar? ♪

♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪

♪ Chill it out, take it slow ♪

♪ Then you rock out the show ♪

♪ You get the best of both worlds ♪

♪ Mix it all together ♪

♪ And you know that it's the best of both worlds ♪

[Laughing]

Okay, this has been going on
for two hours. What gives, people?

-Hi, Miley.
-Hi, Lilly.

Okay, this has Amber and
Ashley written all over it.

Actually, it has "dork" and
"dorkier" written all over it.

That's it! They are gonna pay for this!

Wait, wait, was I "dork" or "dorkier"?

It's important to me.

What's important is not letting Amber
and Ashley win the charity drive again.

I'm sick of seeing their
snobby faces everywhere I turn.

[Screams]
Ah!

[Screams]
Ahh!

Check it out, losers.

This is as close as you'll
ever get to one of these.

We'll see about that.

We'll knock every door until our knuckles bleed.

We'll beg, and we'll plead, and
we won't take no for an answer!

No!

-No!

Sic him, Butchie.

[Dog barking]

No!

Okay, I think it's time we kick it up a notch!

One, two, three, let's bring the cha-ching!

Hi, we're juggling for charity!

[Country music playing-♫]

Howdy, y'all. We're plucking for charity.

♫ ...and a partridge in a pear tree

Merry Christmas and don't
forget the less fortunate!

Christmas? Last time I
dozed off it was September.

The grandkids'll be here any minute.

I've gotta get the elves out of the attic.

[whooping]

-He, he!
-Good game, Son!

-I almost didn't score a point.
-Don't feel bad, Dad.

One of these days, maybe you'll finally win one.

If he wanted to he could win
them all, fool. He's just playing you.

-Why would he do that?
-He feels sorry for you.

I mean, look at you, for a basketball player,

you're a short little fella.

Dad, that's not true, right? I
mean, you're not letting me win?

Of course not, Son.

I think you're really, really good.

[stuttering]
What is all that?

I'm just cooling myself
down after a brutal b*ating.

It is a tad bit humid out here.

Yeah, yeah, nice try.

But I know what that means, all right?

Now I want you to stand in front
of the basket and try this time.

-Oh, Son, I'm a little tired_
-Dad, please. I have to know.

[Sighs]

Okay, but just remember, you asked for it.

All right.

Here we go.

All right, let's see what
you got down low, Oldylocks!

Oh, man, he was right!

You let me win.

Wait a minute. Do you always let me win?

I'm sorry, Son. It's just that...

I love seeing how happy you get when you win.

Plus, when you lose, you
do make that little pouty face.

-I do not.
-There it is.

Well, this ends right now! I'm
gonna b*at you at something, Dad!

And I am gonna b*at you so bad.

Son, you got your health.

You got a nice car.

Why go looking for unhappiness?

[imitating chicken]

-Okay, that does it. Name your game.
-All right.

One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb w*r.

[Exlaiming in pain]
Ah, ah... Augh!

It's okay, Son, it's not your fault.

You got your mom's thumbs.

I have girl thumbs?

Sarah; Show me the money!

Wow, dudette; How'd you raise so much?

Well, I learned good
charity skills from my parents.

They met at a Red Cross blood drive,

and then honeymooned in the Peace Corps

-building aqueducts for_
-Great story. Next!

Ah, yes. The three 'amigos' [friends]
Show me the money!

-Seriously. Show me the money.
-That's all we could raise.

-Aren't you going to hit the gong?
-Oh, I got a special one for you.

[Exclaims]
ah! ♪

[Mimicking] "Aren't you going to hit the gong?"

It's better than no gong at all.

Okay; Maybe we're not winning,

but thanks to Sarah, neither
are Amber and Ashley.

Last year's champions are at it again!

Looks like somebody's going for the two-peat.

How'd you guys earn so much money?

Simple. We just went to the 'B' of 'D'.

-What's that?
-"The Bank of Dad".

That is so unfair. We worked
so much harder than you.

Yeah! We walked ten miles,
faked six different accents

and sang "The Twelve Days
of Christmas" 58 stinking times.

Wow, you're right. You did work harder.

We're just smarter;

And richer.

[Exclaiming]
Uhh Uhh

[Mimicking sizzle]

I don't care what it takes.

This time, I refuse to let
them get the better of us.

-Miley?
-Not now, Oliver.

Okay.

-This is a good idea, Coop.
-I told you, man.

With Ping-Pong you don't have
to be tall, strong or good-looking.

Exactly!

Wait a minute,

I'm good-looking.

Sure you are.

Now, grab a paddle and
let's get our Ping-Pong on.

All right, bring it on, baby!

[Cat yowling]
Meaww!

Sorry, Mr. Fluffers!

Yeah!

[whooping]

Great, now I have to teach you how to dance.

Okay; Here he comes!

[All sighing]
Ahh... ahh... ahh

Wow; A three-part sigh.

Usually when I hear a sigh
like that, my wallet hurts.

Daddy; I know you already gave a big donation,

but Amber and Ashley's parents_

Now, you know what I always say, honey.

You can buy a thirsty man a cow,
and he'll have all the milk he wants

but he still won't have enough
to wash down his cookies.

-What?
-Huh?

He said he's happy to give to
charity but this is a chance for us

to learn to be creative and
raise the money ourselves.

And then something about cookies.

Maybe Hannah can ask a few people.

Maybe Hannah can ask a lot of people.

♫ Who said, who said I can't be Superman ♪

♪ I say, I say that I know I can ♪

♪ Who said, who said I won't be President ♪

♪ I say, I say you ain't seen nothing yet ♪

♪ Whoa, ♪

♪ yeah! ♪

♪ Who said? ♪

♪ Come on, yeah ♪

♪ That's right! ♪

[crowd cheering]

Thank you! Thank you all.

Now, before I start my next song,

I would just like to give a shout out

to a great charity called United People's Relief.

So, show your love and make a donation.

Guys, please! Paper money only, people!

I bruise like a cantaloupe!

I can't believe how much Hannah pulled in.

I know!

And it was easier than finding a
mullet at a truckers' convention.

-Huh?
-What?

Y'all wouldn't last two minutes in Tennessee.

I just can't wait to see the look
on Amber and Ashley's faces

when they find out we won.

'I can't believe we lost'.
'I can't believe we lost'.

[wailing]

[imitate fizzling]

[Doorbell ringing-♪]

Hello, sir or madam, would you like to donate...

-Oh, hi, Miley. You live here?
-Yeah, come on in, Sarah.

-So how's the collecting going?
-Pretty good.

I woke up at 4:00 this morning so I
could raise money at the fish market,

and then I caught the end of the
graveyard shift at the meat plant,

then sunrise aerobics at the Yoga Mat...

-You get up this early every morning?
-No, on Saturdays I sleep in till 5:30.

Then I go to an old folks'
home and serve breakfast.

Why am I not surprised?

I just really want that gift card.

So I can buy a bunch of clothes and
then donate them to needy children.

Needy children?

You'd donate the whole gift card?

You wouldn't even buy yourself a pair of socks?

I already have two pairs of socks.

A pair and a spare. Who needs more than that?

Normal people?

Whoa! How did you guys raise so much money?

You must have worked really, really hard.

[coughs]

Well...

[stuttering]

What we did was...

-We did this thing.
-Thing!

[clearing throat]
Yeah, and... Excuse me!

-Excuse us.
-Yeah.

Guys, we've got to give
the Hannah money to Sarah.

-What?
-No.

Yeah, she's worked harder than any of us.

And she's the only one
doing it for the right reasons.

Reasons, schmeasons, I want my new skateboard!

Lilly, you know she deserves to win.

And when she does win we
still get to see Amber and Ashley

crushed like the little bugs they are!

Okay. Let's go give Miss
Goody Two-socks the money.

Hey, Sarah, we decided that

you should try the Brustroms
down the street. They're loaded.

I mean, in case they're not home,

we'd like to make a
donation to your fund-raising.

No, I can't take your money.
You guys worked really hard.

-Not as hard as you.
-Trust us.

No. I couldn't sleep at night if I
took credit for someone else's work.

And that would be really bad
considering how early I get up.

It never ends.

Besides, I still have a chance to win.

There's a carnival at the beach tonight.

And if I stand under the Loop de Loop,

I might be able to catch some spare change.

While I dodge the vomit.

Okay, bye.

We've got to find a way to
make her take the money.

Yeah. And maybe an umbrella.

I bet she'd take a donation
from a generous celebrity.

-I bet she would.
-Yeah, right.

Where are we gonna find one of those?

You'd think he'd learn by now.

[Both exclaiming]

-Not today.
-Take that.

-Come on, big boy!
-Slam!

I did it. I won.

I b*at my daddy! I b*at my daddy!

Well, I'll be darned.

You b*at me.

You actually b*at the old man.

Oh, come on, Dad. I didn't b*at you.

I destroyed you, I crushed you.

I buried you under an avalanche of Jackson.

Nobody likes a sore winner, Son.

Who's pouting now?

Nobody's pouting.

Whatever you say, Mr. Pouty McPoutpants.

Okay, I'm just gonna go get my towel.

Pouty McPoutpants.

[Exclaims triumphantly]

See that. I b*at you again.

Okay, Jackson, it's not like we was having a race

to see who could get to the towels first.

Even if we were,

you'd lose.

You know, everything doesn't
have to be a competition, son.

Okay, now you're just being silly.

Am I?

whoops!

-Best two out of three?
-Oh, you are so on.

Oh, yeah!

Thank you so much for
donating to United People's Relief.

Okay. There she is.

All right; Let's just donate
the money and get out of here

before anyone spots Hannah.

-Hey.
-Hi, would you like to donate to...

You... And you're here... And...

Shh!

I'm guessing she's a fan.
-You think?

Sarah, come on, wake up, Sarah.

Look, there's a kitten up a tree.

What? Kitten? Where?

I could have sworn I saw...

-Hannah Montana!
-Shh!

Look, it's Hannah Montana!

Oh, boy.

They're right behind us. Now what?

Quick! Up here!

Yippie ki-yay!

[Kids chattering]

Where'd she go? Where's Hannah Montana?

Look! There she goes.

-I meant that way!
-I meant that way!

You better split up!

-Something ain't right.
-You look good in purple.

Thank you.

Okay; I know we're close,
but this is just ridiculous.

[Stammering] Oh, wow! You, you.

Want us to donate to United People's Relief.

I thought you'd never ask.
Lola, give her the money.

Lola; Release!

[gasps]

Don't you dare faint again.
You're welcome. Goodbye.

-So, that went well.
-Yep.

By the way, thanks for pinching
me back there in the ball pit.

I didn't pinch you, you pinched me.

This is going to be so great.

Yeah, after all our work, Sarah better be happy.

[scoffing] She better buy
herself a new pair of socks.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for,

the winner of this year's fund raiser is...

[Imitating drum roll]

[All] Mr. Corelli!

Oh, sorry.

Amber and Ashley!

Yeah... What?

How could they have raised more money than...

I mean us... I mean Sarah?

Once we found out that someone
had raised more money than we did,

we just asked our parents to write another check.

Now, if you'll excuse us,

we've got to do an interview for the newspaper.

I don't understand.

How did they find out how much money was raised?

Oliver?

Okay;

Maybe I bragged a little about
how Sarah was going to b*at them.

[spluttering]

[spluttering] Button it.

I just feel bad for Sarah.
She's gonna be crushed.

Yay, good for you!

Yeah; She's taking it real hard.

Sarah, why are you so happy?
I thought you wanted to win.

It isn't about winning. It's
about raising money for charity.

That's all that really matters.

You know what, guys, she's right.

A little annoying, but... right.

It's just a shame Amber and Ashley won.

They're never gonna do all the
good stuff Sarah would've done.

Who knows?

They might surprise you.

If I could just have a quote,
how do you feel right now?

Well, we're just so happy
for the Universal Relief.

You mean United People's Relief.

Whatever you call it, people
are going to be relieved.

Oh! And they didn't even tell you the best part.

They're going to take all
the money from the gift card

to buy clothes for the needy children.

-Needy who?
-Needy who?

-Ooh!
-Not now!

Wow.

You two are amazing. This
is gonna be a great story.

-Yeah, well, the truth is_
-But wait, there's more.

No, there's not. Really.

Oh, come on. Don't be modest. Go ahead, Lilly.

They're going to spend their day off school

volunteering and washing
dishes at the soup kitchen.

Soup kitchen.

[Exclaiming in disgust]

Oh, yeah. Make sure you
wear your hair nets, girls.

I'll see you guys at the soup kitchen!

Now that's a picture I'll never get tired of.

[Exclaiming]
Uhhhh uhhh

[Mimicking sizzle]

♪ Who said, who said I can't be worldwide ♪

♪ I said, I said
time is on my side ♪

♪ Who said, who said
I can't be ten feet tall ♪

♪ I said, I said
that I can have it all ♪

♪ Who said, who said
I can't be Superman ♪

♪ I said, I said
that I know I can ♪

♪ Who said, who said
I won't be President ♪

♪ I say, I say
you ain't seen nothing yet ♪

♪ Whoa, ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Who said ♪

♪ Come on, yeah ♪

♪ That's right ♪