01x10 - Reunion

[bunniefuu]

- Hey.

- Do you think james is
australian?

- No.
- Okay.

- Why are you following me?

What are you doing, mate?

- I'm hiding.
- [Laughs]

- Oh!

- I'm hiding
from the cameras.

- Well, dude, you know
there's one right behind you.

[Laughs]

- I suppose whatever we do
the...

- Well, yeah,
I don't care about that.

- Satan's--satan's aperture...
- I don't care about that.

- Will be there.
- It's just--

- Hey, camera guy.
- Hey, camera. What's up, cammy?

- What kind of camera is this?
Is this hd?

It's really nice.
- I didn't know this montage

Was filming.
- It's really nice.

- Man, you've got
such a big lens.

- What's up?

- The black lens.

- Hey, you!

- The aperture of darkness.

[Laughs]

- Come on!

- Don't laugh.
- Peace outta here!

- Don't laugh, cameraman.

- Go back where you came from.

- Oh, come on, mark.
- Jesus, my god!

- Where's your sense of humor?

[Ship horn blows]

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- All right,
before we start this,

Can we get a box of tissues
for kelley here,

In case he starts sobbing?
Can we get that?

Quick.
I-i don't wanna drown.

- Don't cry.
You're gonna make me cry.

Kelley.

[Somber music]

- [Sniffs]

Give me a tissue.
- All right.

I don't have a tissue,
'cause I don't--

I don't have tissues
'cause I don't cry.

- [Sniffs]

It took me a long time
to just be okay

And I come here,
and I'm not.

Both: we don't cry
all the time.

- I swear.
- I promise.

- You're making
an ugly cry face.

- [Laughs]

- Kelley had a hard time
sometimes...

- Mm-hmm.
- With the--you know,

Pressure and the drama,
and I knew

That if he was distracted
by a little heart--

- By a little boo-tay.
- [Laughs]

- Kelley.

- I'm just a hopeless romantic.
- [Laughs]

It goes this way.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

- [Laughs]
- aw.

- Kelley did have a romance
on the boat

With jennice,
but I think your--

Your bromance with eddie trumped
anything you had with jennice.

[Grunting]

- Aah!

Okay, okay.
Okay, referee.

Easy, easy.

- I wanted to be
in the bromance.

I wanted it to be, like, a trio
of, like, you know...

- Mm-hmm.
- The three of us, no.

- [Yelling]

- God, touching me too much.
- Come here.

- Stop touching me.
Stop touching me!

- Wow.
- [Bleep]

- When people thought
two deckhands would

Get into bed together, they
didn't think it'd be these two.

- It wasn't just me
whose butt you were smacking.

It was probably like,
"hey, loges. Hey, eddie."

- [Laughs]
- "I love you, bro."

- It was never like that.

It's called the tickle cheat.

[Laughter]

- I know how to rassle.

Aah!

- Hey, how's it going?

What?

[Laughs]
oh, god.

I forgot about this.
- It happened twice.

- I love it so much.

- I'm like, "help!"
- "Hello. Hello."

- "I'm supposed to be on
dinner service."

- I was like, "kat sure is
taking a long time.

It's not like her."
[Laughs]

Oh, don't cry. It's okay.

Open the door.

Oh, god.

- This boat's
a piece of [bleep].

- [Bleep] little.
- Hello.

- You all good?
- Yeah.

I just couldn't get out.
- I got--that is scary.

- That happened to me
in the other room.

- Okay, well, you should
keep our radio--

A radio in your bathroom then
from now on.

- I know, in case of emergency.
I was gonna go out the porthole.

- Yeah, we are underway, that
would have been really not good.

- Dangerous, I know.

- I'm glad I came
to check on you.

- I screamed a couple times.

I pounded a few times,
and then I decided

Just to sit and wait.
- Really?

I would be, like, done--
like, tweezed my eyebrows,

Like, be productive, like--
- [scoffs]

- I would have come out,
like, glam!

- I was panicking.

- I'm sorry I laughed,
but it was kind of funny.

- I almost started crying.

- The boat broke like crazy.

I mean, that's what a boat does,
though.

I mean, literally that's--

- Boats are constant
maintenance, constant.

- But that's what keeps us
employed.

- It's job security.

- [Screams]

- Oh, my god!

- Uh-oh. Shut it down.
Shut it down.

- I wouldn't grab on--
- turn it off. Turn it off.

How bad is it?
- [Bleep] bad.

That wasn't our fault, though.
- That wasn't our fault.

- You need to pay attention
to how much tension

Is on those lines
when it's being aired up.

You understand
what I'm talking about?

Huh?
- Yes, sir.

- Oh, [bleep].

- Things would break
and fall over

And there wouldn't be anything
to make it fall over.

[Ceiling clatters]

- What the [bleep]?
What's going on here?

- Is this--is this a joke?

- Oh, my god!
- We didn't do it.

- What happened?
- The ceiling fell down.

- Eddie, can you come
to the sky lounge?

We have an issue.
- I'll be right there.

Whoa!

Look at that.
- Oh, my gosh.

- Everything broke.

Glasses broke, chande--i mean...
- Yeah.

- All the crystal.
- My soul.

- Your soul.
- Yep.

- It is falling apart...
- Like, actually falling.

- And I am losing my mind.

- Boats are dangerous places.

- But only--okay--
- boats are dangerous places,

And they're not fun houses.

- Aah!
- [Laughs]

Oh, god.
- Roll over and smack your head.

- Yeah, while y'all are
laying there lounging about--

- Oh, okay.
- [Laughs]

- I don't know what
you're talking about.

I was checking it
for stress factors.

- [Gasps]
ow! Who did that?

- I did that.
- I'm so tiny.

Why'd you do that?
- Did you just launch her?

- Oh. Jennice, are you okay?
Sorry.

- Aah!
- I felt so bad and she--

- Me and eddie were like,
"great.

This is starting off awesome.
They're gonna get along great."

- She was like, "aah!"
And she already didn't like me.

Yeah, that added to it.
- Oh, yeah.

- She was just like,
"oh, I hate this guy."

- Logan, keep an eye
on your victim and be courteous.

- Yeah, I've got it.
- And apologize.

She's being a [bleep]
emotional girl right now.

- I didn't see how high
she went, so...

- She didn't go that high.
- [Gasps]

Ow! Who did that?

- Hey, jennice, just stay away
from this thing, all right?

Because I might be tempted
to just do that again.

- I'm not getting on
the fender.

- Let's just say when you share
a small room with someone,

You find out everything there is
to know about that person.

- Maybe too much.

- Go look at what
my roommate did.

Go check the toilet.

- Oh!

Shut the [bleep] up.

You think he trimmed down--
you think he trimmed the carpet?

- What else would it be?
That's why it took--

- Logan!
- No!

- Why do you think
he was manscaping?

Do you think he was, like,
thinking he was gonna--

- He was thinking about you
while he was manscaping.

- Oh, come on, girl.
- Oh, yeah, he was.

He was thinking about
that high hair.

And he was thinking about
trimming his.

[Laughter]

- No, maybe he can explain it.

Maybe that's his chest hair.
- I'm not letting him explain.

Please get out. I have to keep--
finish getting my--

- Did I just hear my name?
- No.

- She's funny.

- [Laughs]

Eddie?
- Yeah.

- Is everything coming out
all right in there?

- Oh, it's coming out great.
- You wanna talk about it?

- I mean, I could,
but I'd rather not.

- There's no privacy
in a tiny room like that.

Like, he probably wanted to have
phone sex with his girlfriend,

But that wasn't happening.
- I did.

- Could you draw a picture?

- I can try.
- It's worth a thousand words.

- I'm just trying to use
the restroom.

- Cry me a river.
- That's not my job.

- [Laughs]
- [fake crying]

- Dude, whatever you do,

Make sure you close the lid
on the toilet.

- Let me in peace
while I take a dump.

- [Laughs]
- for the love of god.

[Grunts]
- oh, my god.

- One of the reasons I like
sharing a room with guys

Is because they usually spend
less time in the bathroom,

And they're less,
like, finicky.

- Oh, my god, you're disgusting.
- [Laughs]

Why?
- This.

- What?
- That.

- I don't even know
what that is. It could be--

- It's full of hair.
- Oh, yeah.

- Do you know what I do
with them

When you leave them like that?
- You put them under my pillow?

- No. I clean them
with your toothbrush.

- That's okay.
I have three of those, too.

And I usually use yours.

[Laughter]

- So we're pretty much both
as disgusting as each other.

- The chief stew is not gonna,
like, come to her bathroom

And be like, "oh, let's just
keep cleaning."

- If you make something clean,
you--you kinda up--

You upkeep it and--
- tell me more about that.

So you clean something,
and then you keep it up?

- Yeah, I cleaned it. I came
back down, it was a disaster.

- And would you do that
with a yacht?

Like, what if i, like,
cleaned a yacht, is that, like,

Something I should, like--
- but this isn't our job.

- That sounds like
a good career.

I'm eating,

And you just jiggled a condom
in my face.

If I'm sharing a room
with a girl,

They're gonna take time
in the bathroom

For makeup and hair
and showers.

But a guy, they're in--
- you don't shower.

- I know, but I want, like,
makeup, hair time.

- I think I'm gonna take
a shower.

- Cool.
- Yeah, first one in four days.

- You're [bleep] dirt mcgirt.
You know that?

- I mean, I took, like,
baby showers, but--

- Baby showers?
- Yeah.

- What, italian showers
where you wipe your face

And spray on perfume?

- [Laughs]
- nasty. You nasty, trick.

- Did she really not shower?

Ew.

- Don't judge me.
- I'm not gonna judge--

- I hate everyone.
- She doesn't sleep.

She really didn't eat.
Like, she's chief stew 3000.

[Futuristic music]

- [Robot voice]
I am chief stew 3000.

I can't shower,
it will rust my bolts.

- Short circuit. Short circuit.
- Yeah, seriously.

- What are we up to?

- Story time with eddie.
- Story time with eddie?

- Story time.
- Whoo.

- Eddie's kind of like
the crew's savior.

- Yes, he's like
the cornerstone.

- What's the cornerstone?

- Once upon a time there was
a boatswain who loved his job.

Then he never got a day off,
went crazy,

And k*lled everybody
on the boat in their sleep.

The end.

- He just
makes everyone laugh.

He lightens the mood.

He's that friend everyone
wants to have around.

- Dude, that's a little
disgusting, but it fits you.

- Hey, roomie.

My neck.

I'm just here to party!

- This is--this is
what I have to deal with.

- Eddie lives his life
in all caps.

- Omg.

[Screaming]

[Laughter]

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, quit doing that.

Just stop.

[Laughter]

- I just need the
parmesan cheese.

- I love eddie.
- Me, too.

- I love him, I really do.
- Yeah. Who doesn't--

Who doesn't love eddie?
- I mean, that hair...

- The captain told me
to fix my hair this morning.

- He did?
- That mother[bleep].

- [Laughs]
- how dare he?

- That's not hair,
that's a mane.

- All work and no play
makes jack a dull boy.

[Laughs]
take that seriously.

- Can I stare into his eyes
while I tell him

About how much I loved him
being my boss?

- Deep thoughts
by kelley johnson.

- Yeah, that's all you get.
Now, let me eat.

- [Laughs]

- Coming up...
- Man candy of the month, huh?

- Kelley calendar.
Can I get a hand here?

July.

Work the pole.

[Rock music]

- One of the absolute
hardest things

In yachting
is dealing with living

And working with everybody...
- Yeah.

- In such close quarters
for so long.

- It's like solitary confinement

Surrounded by people
who won't shut up.

"Cabin fever is a term for
a claustrophobic reaction

"That takes place when a person
or group is isolated

"And/or shut in a small space
for an extended period.

"When a person is
experiencing cabin fever,

"They may tend to sleep,

Have distrust of anyone
they are with."

That's the first symptom.

Paranoia that everyone's
against you--

You're like, "oh, did he look
at me weird? Does he hate me?

Does everyone hate me?
Do I hate everyone?"

- That might be--

I might have a little bit
of cabin fever.

Just a little bit.

I think people
with cabin fever

Have sexual frustration...
- Mm-hmm.

- And will make sexual images

Out of inanimate objects.

[Upbeat music]

- I blame the cabin fever.
I'm sick.

- Logan. Logan, kate.
- Yeah, what's up, girl?

- It's so funny how you boys
can take anything

And just make it an innuendo.

I mean, it's not mature.

Hey, loges, you know
your fire dancing skills?

- You do poi?
- You mean my poi?

- Are you wanting to do that
tonight

At the jungle disco fever party?

- Yeah, well--continue.

- What do you need?
Can you do it with glow sticks?

String?
I mean,

Do you travel
with your flaming balls?

- You didn't bring your poi
with you, did you?

- Do you wanna see
my flaming balls,

Is that what you're asking?

- I would like to see you jiggle
and twirl your flaming balls

Whenever you have a chance.
- Oh, my.

This is great.

- I love
dirty walkie-talkie.

[Breathing heavily]

- [Laughs]
so dirty.

- I have no idea
what you're talking about.

- I just got a boner.
- Ew.

Logan.
- You looked down.

- I don't have
my magnifying glass with me.

- She knows some serious moves,
bro.

- Is she hot?
- I don't know.

- Oh, really? She's probably
a bit of a weirdo as well.

- 371 Rule.

She's a three when you meet her.
She's a seven after a while,

After you've been
on the island too long,

And then when you're showing
your friends pictures,

She's a one.
Careful.

Oh, [bleep].
What?!

- What? Oh!
- Oh, do it. Do it, girl.

- Do it.
- Do it. You know you want to.

- Do it!
- Oh, [bleep]!

Oh, my jesus!

- Hey, get the [bleep]
outta the way.

Get the [bleep] out of the way.

- That's awesome.

- I like her commitment.
- [Laughs]

- It's part of cabin fever...

- It is.
- When you just are

Like, "oh, my god,
I need to look at something

Really hot and sexy."

- He is totally just undressing.
- Uh-huh.

- Hot.
- ♪ Take it off ♪

- Wow, I mean--

Maybe he got something--
like, his shirt stinks...

- Or maybe he's just hot.
- So he decided

To take off his pants and shirt.
- He's feeling hot.

It is a hot day.
- It is a hot day.

- So when we do finally get
to the docks

And there's a little bit
of eye candy...

- Make a run for it.
- Whew.

It's like,
"thank you, jesus."

- [Laughs]
- hmm.

- Can I get a chamois over here
for this drool fest?

- There we go, girls. Here.
- [Indistinct] we got a seven.

- Wait a second. Wait a second.
I just wanna make sure,

'Cause that drool's
gonna leave a spot here.

My god.
- Really?

- Hot deckhands are important.
- Yeah. I mean--

- I should put that
in my contract.

Like...
- Oh, absolutely.

- I could, like, bring the boat
around to the stern--

Hey!
Oh, my god.

She just tried to put
a finger in my butt, I think.

She tried to.

- Boat romances are tricky.

It can go one of two ways.

- I would assume it pretty much
ends up bad every time.

Unless it's, like,
a really good relationship,

It's going to end in--
- [imitates expl*si*n]

- Yeah.
Tears.

- Moving in with a guy
you making out with on a boat...

- No thank you.
- Is pretty much equal

To, like, moving--
- su1c1de.

- Yeah, that, too.
- Thank you.

- Moving in together on land.
- I, you know, even--

My ex, we lived and worked
together for years,

We didn't share a room.
Worked for us all.

- It's, like--
- you need your own space.

- It's like the phases of
yachting dating

Are, first, you just hook up.

Then you let the crew know
that you're hooking up.

Then--
- that's a big step.

- That is a big step.

And then you move into a room,
and then you hate your life.

- No, thank you.
Not interested.

- I need a wrap
for jennice's foot.

- She hurt her foot?
- In a rock.

I just want to brace it
for her.

- Yeah, yeah, I'll get it.

- Oh, she got it.

- When the rest of us, like,
caught on to, like,

You--what was going on
with you guys,

Like, we were like--
- we saw the chemistry.

- Oh, the gossip just,
like, went off.

Like, off the--off the chain.
- [Gasps] there was? What?

- It's like, "oh, my god,
did you see them?"

"Oh, yeah, I did." Like,
"oh, my god, is that happening?"

- No, nobody cared that much.
- It--

- [Laughs]
- people care.

- Oh, thank you.

This one.
It's the frankenstein one.

- Ooh. Yeah,
you bruised that up good.

When I wrap people's feet,
I do it shirtless.

Is it too tight?
No?

[Funky music]

♪ ♪

- Feel special right now?

- Oh, what's it like having
a sex symbol as a brother?

Man candy of the month, huh?

- Man candy.

Put you on the corner,
make me some money.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- [Hisses]
[laughs]

I mean, you know how many girls
are gonna try to fight me

Because I get to do that?
[Laughter]

- Let me lick that finger!

- We need to make
a kelley calendar, and this--

- No.
- And this can be august.

- Oh, my god, the boat.
- It's gonna be a big hit.

- Kelley calendar,
let's do july, ready?

Can I get a hand here?
July, yeah.

[Laughs]

[Heartbeat pulsing]

- It's just funny,
because I mean, it's my brother.

It's like my dorky little
kelley brother...

- Nerd, yeah.
- You know, plays video games.

And, like, poots.

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

- I like to see when people
celebrate their talents in life.

If you're a painter, paint.

If you're a musician,
make beautiful music.

If you're meant to be
a chippendale,

Work the pole.

[Upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

[Cheers and applause]

- Coming up...
- Here we go!

- Happy birthday.

- No one does that.

[Harmonica music]

- I'm feelin' it.

Whoo!

- Oh, I know.
Beautiful scenery.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- Basically, the food
makes or breaks the charter.

Hands down.
- Yeah.

- Y'all, how long we been here
waitin' on the food?

- Oh.
- Been quite some time.

- I can tell you.
Two cups of coffee long.

- So you had your work
cut out for you.

- Yeah, yeah, big-time.
- And he really hustled

To get it done.

- That's beautiful.

All: [chanting]
we want food! We want food!

- All right, let's do it.
All: we want food!

We want food! We want food!

- [Laughs]
all: we want food!

[Laughter]
- what took you so long?

- I'm sorry.
- You need to set your watch--

I don't know what time
it's set for,

But I think you need
to fast-forward one hour.

- Really?
- Yeah,

Because y'all told us 10:30,
and it's now 11:30.

- I didn't know what time
you guys would be getting up.

Take care.
Bon appetito.

- All right. Thank you, ben.
- Thank you.

- It was kind of awkward,
wasn't it?

- It was super awkward.
It's like--

- I think I handled it
all right, though.

- You know what's gonna happen?
I'm gonna go up there,

And they're gonna be like,
"oh, my god.

Tell ben this is so delicious."
- I know.

And that's why
I make people wait,

Because they enjoy it more,
right?

- It's really good.
- He does pay attention.

- I have to say,
late or on time,

He does bring it.
- Yeah.

- I don't do it for the money.
- Oh, god.

Of course you don't.
[Laughter]

- Hey, ben, you just let me know
if I can do anything for you.

- Someone might have to jump in
and do a cut fruit.

- I love doing fruit platters.

- Kate did, you know--
- help you.

- Really did help me with...
- Step in.

- A cheese platter,
fruit platter.

- It's pretty cool.

- What are you doing, babe?
- I'm splitting an atom

Over here, so just
mind your own business.

Is it too preschool
for your taste?

- What is it?
- It's obviously

An apple butterfly.

- It's just--it's weird.
- It's so--it's not weird.

- It looks like it belongs

In a salvador dali
or something.

- [Bleep]!
- Can you teach me

How to do that?
- I hate you.

- Can I put this
in my portfolio?

I'm gonna put it on my web site
immediately.

That's embarrassing [bleep].

I'm sorry that I sh*t you down,
but that was just my own ego...

- That's all right.
- And I was being rude.

- Aw. Aw.
- And I obviously have

A lot to learn from you.
- I'll teach it to you.

- I would like that.
- Okay.

- I will--i will pay.

- Smell that.
It smells really good.

- I can't smell.
- What?

- Have we not gone over this?
- No.

- I was born without
the sense of smell.

- See, I had never met anyone
who can't smell.

- It's the only handicap
that comes in handy.

- Did you know she can't smell?
Amazing.

- Glad you're not the chef.
- I know.

It's called anosmatic, but I
made my own name up for it.

- Yeah?
- Because it's blind, deaf,

Mute, and then anosmatic.
It's not catchy.

- Yeah.
- So I made up the term

Smute.
- [Laughs]

- It's good, right?

I'm smute.

- Smell-mute.

- Yeah.
- That's really funny.

- I never knew that.
- I totally forgot!

I was--
- she is a robot.

That's weird.
- We've been bamboozled.

The whole season
I was working for a robot.

I would have never let her
get to me like that

If I would have known that.
Gosh!

- Oh, my god,
don't open that.

Oh, my god, how can you
even look in there?

- Why?
I can't smell.

- How could you not smell that?

I can smell it
all the way down here.

- Nothing. Nothing.

- And you're sitting there
eating

Next to the [bleep]
rotting smell.

- 'Cause I can't smell.
- That's pretty impressive.

- I've been farting
the whole time.

- That--boyfriends love it.

- You have, like, a dollar store
theory on everything.

- I--
- oh, ho ho!

- No, it's more like
a neiman marcus, but whatever.

- Okay, neiman marcus theory.

- I should have been my age
in the '50s.

Who was this woman
with women's equality

That said we should be able
to work?

She ruined it!
- Ruined it all.

- I should be home
as a housewife.

- Pushing out babies!

- How do you feel
about velour?

You probably have a jumpsuit
that says "juicy" on the ass!

- No, it's not--
it's not 1997.

I'm not in new jersey,
and my name is not j.lo.

- Man, I bet this thing cleans
some windows real well.

- I bet it does.
- Yoik!

- You can have it.
- Really?

- You can have
all the microfibers.

I hate them with a passion.
- Why?

- Do they stick to your fingers?
- Because they're useless.

I like diapers.

Have you tried a diaper?

- 'Cause you're going after
the older guys?

- Diapers?
- Mm-hmm. It's the way forward.

All you need is that and alcohol
and water spray bottle,

Clean the whole boat.

You know how I feel about people
who order fajitas.

- When your whole world
is falling apart,

Sometimes kate would interject
with these very clever remarks,

And--and then you take
a step back and realize,

Well, god, it--you know, let's
just have a laugh about it,

Because this is crazy.

- I like fajitas.
I'm just saying

When anybody orders them
in a large group,

It's like, oh, attention hog.

They're like, "will you hold
my lid for my tortillas?

Oh, I'm gonna order more
tortillas."

- Ever been in a restaurant

And you get your crappy little,
crumby little burrito,

And then you see
this beautiful sizzling-ness...

- And then your friend--
- coming across the room

And you're like, "[bleep],
I wish I ordered that."

- Uh-huh, and then the person
that orders the fajitas,

He knows everybody's
looking at his.

He's just like, "oh, yeah,
that's mine. The smoky ones."

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That would be me.

Mine's the freshest, best.
It just came out of the oven,

And it's still cooking.
- Yeah.

- So if we were
in a distressed situation

And we had a very small
life raft,

And I was to choose one,
or vice versa,

I think--
- life of pi, yeah.

- I think kate and I would
probably choose each other.

You know?
- Yeah, I agree.

- And we'd have fun
while we were doing it.

- We would have fun.

Before you go, whose bones
do you want to jump on the boat?

- Captain lee would be my first.
- Yeah, obviously.

If I get to him first.

- And then, yeah, probably you.
Yeah.

- Yeah?
- It would have been good.

It would have been a good time.
- Probably.

- How much time do we have?
- I mean, it's only 5 to 3:00.

- My taxi's arriving
in ten minutes,

And I only usually last three.
- It's--i mean--

- Which will give me
enough time to pack.

[Laughter]

- Hi. Well, I want to do, like,
a little talk to you guys

- Okay. Why don't I have the
crew gather in about an hour?

- Yeah, please.
- Okay, sounds good.

- There's not really a "no"
on board.

You don't really
tell a guest "no."

- It's true. Yeah,
"no" is not in our vocabulary.

- No.
- Whatever they want from us,

We'll do it.

- Timothy sykes.

- I was a little nervous
when he asked me for

A 4-foot-tall
dry-erase board.

I was like,
"we're playing pictionary?"

- Thank you for joining.
This is what I do.

I teach people. What I do is--
is kind of strange.

I trade penny stocks,

Like the wolf of wall street.

I want to teach you guys,
not just to, like, celebrate

With my top students,
who are being rude!

Who here knows
what a penny stock is?

Raise your hand.
What do you think it is?

- It's a stock with
a very low share price.

What the hell do you think
a penny stock is?

- People out there who think
that, "oh, you promise

To get people rich."
A lot of people promise that.

I back it the [bleep] up.
I'm the [bleep] american dream.

That's why I have this.

Yeah, baby!
You don't have to know finance.

I was a philosophy major.
What were your guys' majors?

What was your major?

Bianca, what was your major?

But it's fine. You know,
you don't need college for this.

You can basically make money
when stocks go down.

- You have to make it simple
for them, though,

'Cause I think it's, like,
still over their heads.

- It's way over their heads.
- If I hadn't been around you

For the past six months
and you were telling me this,

Like, I would have no idea
what you were talking about.

- "They probably don't
understand what's going on.

It's probably
over their heads,"

Says the bitch who's in college
for five months.

- Any questions?

Thank you guys for your time.
- Thank you.

- I also have shirts
for you guys, too...

- Oh, cool.
- For being such good listeners.

- I think he was trying
to inspire us.

- I don't think he did.

I think he just
kind of insulted us.

- Well, I felt insulted,

But I don't think that was
his ultimate goal,

'Cause that's not really smart
business-wise.

- Well, then he's not smart
business-wise.

- Oh, you think?

- All right, I've got something
in the oven.

Thanks a lot.
- Yeah.

- Listen to this elephant call.

[Blows air]

[Trumpets]

- Hey, that was good.

- Sanity is something that
is an old story

Told by our grandparents.
- Wives tales.

- Yeah, yeah.
- When you're at sea

For six weeks,
it's out the door.

- Oh, yeah.

- [Trumpets]

- That was bad.
[Laughter]

- Come on.

- [Spits]
oh, I can't do it now.

[Spits]
ah, I can't do it.

- [Trumpets]

- That was pretty good.
- Oh, my god.

- [Trumpets]

- Quite a pair here.
- Yeah.

Ba dump, choo.
- Ca-cha.

It's been a long time.
I bet the captain's like,

"What the [bleep] is going on
down there?"

[Beatboxing]

- I know when I join a boat

I'm gonna make a few
best friends for life

And one person I'm gonna hate.

It's just how it goes.

There's nobody you like
that much all the time.

You are a best friend
for life.

You know, you're in that list of
"this is why I do yachting."

- I'm at the top of the list.
Let's not lie.

- Let's see if we have
any flags.

You can do, like,
a marching routine,

Like, a baton--
- oh, hell yeah.

- ♪ America ♪
- here we go!

- ♪ For spacious skies ♪
- yeah!

[Mumbling lyrics]

- All right.
All right, all right.

- I wanna go watch this.

- Oh, logan, you're here.

- Need, um...
- Soap.

- Yeah, lube it up.

- Logan, you wet it.
I'm just gonna step off--

- That's what she said.
[Laughs]

- [Laughs]

- You got this.
[Chanting] kat! Kat!

She's our girl! If she can't
do it, no one twirl!

Whoo!
- Aah!

[Laughter]

- Whoo!

- Ready?
- You got this.

- Oh, there she goes.
- Aah!

- Yeah, girl!

- I really think that if
it wasn't for you,

I would have jumped ship,

For sure.
- I feel the same way.

I--
- get--we're doing it.

- Hey, let me just get
some champagne for the primary.

- Wait, wait.
Let me just fix your eyebrows.

- We definitely had
a stewmance.

I'll do that on you,
if you like.

- Like, up here.
- Okay.

- Wait a minute, one--
just--just--just--

Wait. Wait. Come on.
- I'm gonna k*ll you.

I'm gonna just hit you over
the head with this heavy bottle.

- Do your job. Go do your job.
- I'm trying. I'm trying.

- You're gonna spill the cristal
all over the room.

- I hate you.
- Whatever it is.

- Hey, it's ruinart.
- Ruinart. Hurry up.

- You're gonna ruin art
if you ruin this, okay?

I'm running from you.
- Smile. Smile.

- I'm running from you.
- I'm winking,

That means you smile.
- I don't care.

- Coming up...
- What are we, 9 now?

- If you're gonna act like
you're 9,

Then I will treat you
like you're 9.

- You are treating us like
we're 9. 9:00 Is what time...

- I'm done
with this conversation.

- We woke up yesterday.
- Good-bye.

- Good job, captain.
- Yeah.

- No.
[Laughing]

- Once you hear ben's laugh,
it's stuck in your brain.

- It follows you everywhere.

- [Laughs]
you're so funny.

- [Laughs]

- We're short a deckhand.

- We're short
a dishwasher, too.

- That's the same thing.

- The same thing.
[Laughter]

- It's funny,
'cause it's true.

- [Laughing]

- Is that--is that right?

- We are making a sauce.

- We?
[Laughter]

- [Laughs]

- I want to k*ll somebody.
- [Laughs]

Now, this fish is a beast.
- Act like you caught it.

- [Laughs]

[Laughter]

- It's evil.
[Laughs]

- I wanted to discuss andrew.

- Bless his little heart.
Andrew sturby.

He has a good heart.
- He does.

- He just didn't have
any experience.

- Or work ethic.

- You know, he just got outed
for his lack of integrity.

He's like one of those dogs
that get so nervous,

You pet 'em and they piss
all over themselves.

- Andrew lives
in his own world.

He doesn't live in the world
we live in.

- But I'm not ready
to quit on him yet.

So what I'm asking you guys
to do

Is to suck it up

And just try to put yourself
where he's at now.

- Obviously, since I couldn't
interact with you guys,

Like, I think I would kind of
go into my own little world

And, like, interact with my--
my imagination somehow.

I don't know if you noticed,
uh, um...

- I think I noticed sometimes.

- What are you doing, andrew?
- My buttons--

- You playing drums
with your buttons?

- I was surprised that the fork
vibrated on my buttons.

- I don't know what world
he lives in.

It must be nice there.

- If your hand is bigger
than your face--

- I go like this,
and you go...

- Yeah, if you were in the
marine corps I'd do that to you.

- Well, your face--if your hand
is bigger than your face,

You have cancer, man.
Remember that?

It's like,
"oh, really? Oh, my god."

- Benny.
- Ben.

- What's up, chaps?
- How you doing?

- Cool, man.
- [Mumbling]

- We've got a busted glass
of champagne in the hot tub.

The hot tub
has to be drained.

- Oh, captain lee.
- Harold lee.

- Yeah.
- Psycho.

- Even seasoned veterans aren't
untouchable by cabin fever.

- It just came out when...
- Everybody has to stay out.

- By the slide.

- Copy. Thank you.

- Like, how can we go back
to the bridge?

Stop taking--

- Just wanna clarify
you would like for me

To drain the hot tub now.
- Yes, drain the hot tub.

- He is, like, spinning,
spiraling,

Losing it.
- I've been hearing--

- It's so funny.

- How is everyone doing?

- Very good. Very good.
- You're good?

There's no broken--
yeah, nothing spilled in here

Or anything, right?
- We'll tell you. That's cool.

- Okay, great.
- Bubbly and bubbly.

- Perfect. Okay.

There's no broken glass...

- I know.
- In there.

- Eddie, eddie, kate, kate,
I need you guys

In the wheelhouse now.
- Right here, cap.

- Up the stairs.

- I just wanted
to let you guys know

We're having dinner
around 8:00,

And you guys are welcome to have
a couple of cocktails.

Do not overindulge.

And we will shut it down
promptly at midnight.

I expect everybody
in their bunks.

- You know what's really funny
about the curfew?

I stay up later working

Every night.

Like, I can't go to bed
at midnight, captain,

Because my circadian rhythm

Is used to being up
till 2:00 working

- So if I happen to roll out
of my bunk at 12:15

And I roll through the boat,
I really expect to see

Absolutely no one.
- You got it.

- All right, guys, thank you.
- Thank you.

- So weird.

- It's not 90.
- No.

- I like it.
- That one.

- It's too colorful. I want it--
- no.

- Hey, captain lee.

- Oh, I thought it was
daylight savings.

- Oh, come on.

- Sorry, captain.

- I just came down.
- He's on anchor watch.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Do you think I'm unhappy?
I am.

The one and only time
I've ever set a curfew,

And you guys just
blatantly disregard it.

I don't need it.
I don't want it.

I won't have it.

- I think everybody's
a little bit tired.

- We have to be in bed at
midnight.

What are we, nine, now?

- I mean--
- you act like you're nine.

If you're gonna act
like you're nine,

Then I will treat you
like you're nine.

- You are treating us like
we're nine.



- I'm done
with this conversation.

- We woke up yesterday.
- I don't care when you got up.

I've been up earlier
than you have ever gotten up.

- You weren't even up
yesterday when the guests left.

- Good-bye.

- Good job, captain.
- Yeah.

- Captain lee, let's just
set the bar straight,

We're bloody sorry.

And we don't mean that
disrespectfully either.

- No.
- We mean it

As in, like, bloody mary...
- I just couldn't sleep.

- You know, like, serious.
- It was a business meeting.

What?
It's getting weird.

- I am weird.

After a charter, we have
so much pent-up anxiety,

You've got two options.

You can either
run up a mountain

Or go and get [bleep]-faced
at the bar.

- I did both
a couple of times.

- I take my hat off to you,
love.

- Here's to our day off.
We worked hard. We've earned it.

- To the best interior crew
I've ever worked with.

- Oh, likewise!

- We do have our own rhyme
that we came up with...

- Oh, we do.
- Way back in the day.

Do you want me to remind you
of it?

- Yeah. Will you? Yeah.

Both: here's to you.
Here's to me.

Here's to living by the sea.

Here's to the men
that will always agree

That we're the best
that will ever be.

- Oh!
- Ooh, [bleep].

- Cheers.

That was so good.

- That's foul.
- Here. Oh.

- Did you pull a hair
out of your mouth while you--

- Toothpick.
- Oh, okay.

- Waste not, want not.

- Oh, that's, like, hard core.

You just have that,
like, next to your bed?

- It's just a nipping bottle.

- [Laughs]
- I have a cough.

- Nip, nip.
- I have a cough, all right?

- I don't know if I can just
drink this out of a bottle.

- Not with that attitude.
- Whoa.

- Here, let me put on
a song for you.

- I'm doing it. Yeah, play the
harmonica and maybe I can do it.

[Harmonica music]

- I'm feelin' this.

Whoo!

Okay, so tomorrow's
our last day here,

And I don't wanna leave
with any regrets.

So how do I say--like,
how do I even go about saying,

"Hey, you're a cool dude

And too bad you have
a girlfriend"?

- Oh, no!
- Oh, my gosh.

- You're gonna. With eddie?
Oh, god.

- Oh, gosh.
- Uh-oh.

- Are we gonna go there?

- How do you do that?
- Oh, you don't.

- Oh, kelley, I want to.
- Just don't. Don't. Just don't.

I'm telling you, don't.

- Not like,
"hey, I'm interested.

Would you break up with
your girlfriend?" Not like that.

- Not with these on.

- Whoa.

Come on.
- Did you get those from granny?

[Laughter]

- I'm gonna pull
your leg hairs.

I got a lot of compliments
on these tonight, actually.

In fact, eddie gave me
a compliment on these.

- Did he?
- So you just shut your face

Right now.

- Juicy.
- Am I blushing a little bit?

- Aah!

- Are you, like,
catching a flight?

- Yeah, I'm outta here.
- Okay.

- Headed out to the arctic.

- You're not dressed
for, like, cold weather.

- It's all right.
I got a jacket in my bag.

- Yeah. Well,
before you head out...

I want you to know...

- Are you, like,
catching a flight?

- Yeah, I'm outta here.
- Okay.

- Headed out to the arctic.

- You're not dressed
for, like, cold weather.

- It's all right.
I got a jacket in my bag.

- Yeah. Well,
before you head out...

I want you to know,
like, I think

You are one of the coolest guys.
- Thank you.

- And, like, I'm so awkward.
I'm so shy,

But, like, I wanted you
to know, like,

I not only appreciate, like,
the man you are to my brother,

The guy and the leader
that you are on the boat,

Like, it's been really cool
getting to know you.

- Well, thank you.
- And I have to admit, like,

I've had, like, a boat crush
on you since day two.

- Oh. Amy girl.
- So--so I want you to know,

Like, i, like, really admire

Your leadership...
- Thank you.

- And, like, who you are
as a person,

And I just had to put it out
there. It's the last day. Okay?

- You're wonderful.
Thank you so much.

You have a great time.
We'll keep in touch.

I'll see you soon, okay?
- Okay, sounds good.

- All right, take it easy.
- Bye.

God.

Awkward friend hug. Eh.
- Eh.

- I've got a crush on you.
[Laughter]

- Oh.

Oh, my gosh.
- What?

- I was just, like, trying to be
like, "get it together.

Get some words together."
And I'm like,

"Well, before you go,
I just want you to know, like,

What an incredible guy
I think you are, and, like"--

- I heard it.
- Oh, you did?

Okay, how awkward was it...
- Very.

- On a scale from one to ten?
- Like, ten.

- Oh, kelley!
- I'm sorry, I've never seen--

You always handle situations
so well...

- I know!
- And the fact that you're

So awkward right now...
- Aah!

- Makes my day, because you
handle everything so well.

- Oh.
- And you just--

This was you, you're like,
"hey, eddie."

[Imitates expl*si*n]
- oh!

- I was like--
- that's not making me feel

Any better.

- The season wasn't that bad.

- The season was brutal.
[Laughter]

- I'm gonna strangle
this [bleep].

- I wanna hear you respond
on that g*dd*mn radio.

No bull[bleep].

- Thanks, eddie.
- Thank you, buddy.

- Yeah, appreciate it, man.
- I wish you all the best.

- Thanks, man. Thank you.

- Can you beatbox?
This is important.

- I can try.
- Okay, go.

- [Spits]
[laughter]

- Just find my note.
Hmm.

- Tone deaf.
Smute, tone deaf, hint.

- Hmm.
- You're color-blind.

Did you know he's color-blind?
- See, she's not doing it.

- [Laughs]

- Kelley! If you're gonna
push me over, I'm leaving.

Aah!

- Oh, that's funny.

I love ohana.
I loved our crew.

I wish we could have stayed
and just kept going.

- Oh!
- To a great season.

- Whoo!
- Whoo! Yeah.

- The boat romance may be over,
but the bromance is still there.

- Yo, let me check out
these digs.

- Welcome to ohana.
All: [laugh]

- You know it stands for
family.

Don't take life too seriously.
- Cheers.

- Ohana.
- Ohana.

- Family.
- It means family.

Most dysfunctional family ever.