01x10 - A Guide to Guilt

[bunniefuu]

Hi. Is Professor Jacobs home?

-He's on his way.
-Then I'll wait.

[gasps]

[Elizabeth] There's this room
here at the church

that we've turned
into a nursery,

and I can't think of anyone

who would be better
helping me to get it
up and going than you.

[Lillian] Aw.
Well, I'm honored.

The last time she ran away,
it was to Paris.

You're forgetting the time
when I was sick.

Mom? Dad?

-[Ryan] Something's wrong.
-Pregnancy hormones.

-He hurt you?
-No.

-Is he here?
-No, Ryan.

Tim. Whoa!

[theme song playing]

♪ 'Cause life has a way
Of pulling us under ♪

♪ But we'll stick it out ♪

♪ If we got each other ♪

♪ When it all feels too much ♪

♪ I know you'll come running
For me ♪

♪ Through the highs and lows
We'll find our way home ♪

♪ Family ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Family ♪

It's my fault he's dead.

If I hadn't offered
to drive him home that night...

What happened that night
wasn't your fault, Ashley.

[sniffles]

They brought us in
at the same time.

They wheeled us both
into surgery,

and you were
the only doctor on call.

You had to choose.

No.

There was no choice to be made.

If I wasn't your daughter...

You were
six months pregnant,

and in critical condition.

If I hadn't been
the one on that gurney.

It wouldn't have mattered.

I made the same call
any doctor would have made.

He deserved to live.

[John] You both
deserved to live.

All three of you
deserved to live.

[sobbing]

He's a better person than me.

The accident happened
a month after I got home
from Paris.

I was alone,
and I was pregnant.

I wouldn't have even
been there to drive him

if I hadn't made
such terrible choices.

You've been through
so much, Ashley,

and, yes,
you've made mistakes,

but your heart is pure.

You don't know that, Mom.

You don't know
everything I've done.

I don't need to know.

[sighs]

Honey, guilt feels terrible.

It is a heavy burden
to bear.

It's numbing,
it's consuming.

And it protects us

from the even more
overwhelming feeling of...

Of helplessness.

You didn't survive that night
because of me,

and he didn't die that night
because of you.

The longer you allow yourself
to wallow in the guilt,

the longer you avoid
dealing with what's real,

grief and sadness.

Ashley, you cannot
move beyond this

until you find the courage
to allow yourself to just...

feel.

[sobbing]

We love you.

Love you, honey.

-Can I ask you a question?
-I guess.

You a man of faith?

I'm a man of action.

Jesus was a man of action.

His actions
were like earthquakes,

shaking and rumbling
through cities.

He was a guy who knew
how to get his message across.

But it was difficult

'cause not everybody
believed in him.

A lot of people thought
he was crazy.

I always related to that.

A guy who wants something
so desperately, so badly,

and yet, life just keeps
getting in the way.

That's why you have to take
the things you want.

[Ryan] Taking's easy.

Earning,

earning what you want,
that's what will make
people respect you.

That's what
makes people love you.

He's right. If you want
Angela to love you,

then you have to earn
that love.

You have to show her
that you're not the man
that Tim was to her.

It's too late now.

She's gone,

and I'm never
gonna get her back

because your husband
is a liar and a cheater.

And you'll be a m*rder*r.

-I've already...
-[Ryan] Already what?

Sat in the living room
with two people

and talked about
God and love?

[Kari] You haven't done
anything wrong.

Not yet.

You can still
walk out that door.

[Ryan] Come on, man, you want
to be a man of action, right?

Ask yourself
would you really be happy
if you were with Angela?

Something tells me
you'd still feel

the same resentment,
the same anger.

'Cause you can't
be happy with somebody else

if you haven't even
accepted yourself.

I know you're in pain,

but I see
strength in you, too.

The kind of strength
it takes to look inward,

ask yourself
the hard questions,

kind of strength it takes
to be a real man of action.

You can be that man.

All you have to do
is walk out the door.

[door opens]

[door closes]

-[sighs]
-You okay?

You okay?

[g*nshots]

Hold on.

Wait, Kari.

[Kari shrieks]

[gasping]

It's okay. I'm here.

-Okay, what's up?
-g*nsh*t wound to the abdomen.

-Victim was unresponsive
in the field.
-Okay.

[Brooke] Tim,
we got you, man.

Patient's tachycardiac.

Call the blood bank.
Activate massive
transfusion protocol.

O.R. prepped? Let's go.

-[Kari grunts]
-Whoa, Kari. You okay?

I'm gonna get a medic.
Hey. Hey, I need a doctor.

Hey. Hey, she needs help.

You'll be all right.

[door opens]

[man on TV]
Better stay in your seat,
because coming up,

we're gonna go through
all the highlights of
this week's biggest games.

-[TV switches off]
-Hey.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Ash.

-Hey.
-[cell phone ringing]

Oh, it's Brooke.

Hey. What's up?

[Brooke] Dad, listen.
Tim and Kari just came in
to the hospital.

Tim was sh*t,
and Kari is in labor.

He's in surgery,
and they're moving her
into a room.

Can you come right now?

Okay. We're on our way.

[doctor] One, two, three.

[doctor] Charging. Set.

[doctor] Charging. Set.

[breathing heavily]

[door opens]

Kari.

Oh, Kari.

Good. Good, keep breathing.

That's it.

That's it. You're gonna
be fine, sweetheart.

You are gonna be fine.

I'm gonna go check on Tim.

It's okay, honey.
I'm here now.

It's okay.
It's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay.

[g*nsh*t]

[breathing heavily]

[Kari shrieks]

[Kari shuddering]

[Tim coughing]

Yeah, someone's been sh*t.
We need an ambulance
right away.

You're okay.

-I'm sorry.
-[Kari] Stop.

You're gonna be all right.

You're the greatest gift
God ever gave me.

Please hold on.

-I love you, Kari.
-I love you, too.

Please tell our baby
that I love her.

-[breathing heavily]
-That's it, Kari.

That's it, honey.

Just breathe.

That's it.

No.

[sobbing]

-You okay, Kari?
-Yeah.

-It's just a lot.
-I know.

But they're easy
at this age, you know.

I mean, either she's hungry

or she needs
to be changed.

Or she should be sleeping.

You should be sleeping.

[crying]

It's okay.

[doorbell rings]

I'll go get that.

Here, go to Mommy.

There. There you go.

Aw. Okay.

You're okay, Jessie.

There you go.

Just wanna lay down?

It's a delivery.

[Kari sighs]

He found it.

-He sent you a cake.
-[Kari] It's our
honeymoon cake.

He must have
sent it before...

-How's Kari?
-[Luke] She's good. Yeah.

I mean, as good
as she can be, I guess.

-Just one day at a time.
-Yeah.

Uh-oh. Here, hold on,
check this out.

Luke? Uh, hello?

Ta-da!

-Oh.
-What do you think?

It's so... So tacky.

Then you'll love this.
Hold on.

[laughing] Oh, my.

Yeah, definitely...
Definitely suits you.

-I really miss you, Luke.
-What's wrong?

Too cold in New York?

It's too cold,
it's too loud,
it's too lonely.

You know, I'm already
at my grandparents'.

I probably shouldn't
keep them waiting.

Yeah. Yeah, no,
it's all...

Uh, it's all good.
I'll, um...

I'll give you a call
after things settle down.

Okay.

Hey, Luke, I, um...

[laughing]

Yeah?

I...

I love you.

I love you, too.

Yeah. Okay, bye.

Yeah, I love you.
Okay, bye. Love you.

Bye.

Oh, this place
has really come alive.

We did a good job,
didn't we?

Yeah.

Oh, this church
is so blessed to have you.

Mmm.

I wish you would stay.
Help me get the place
up and running.

It's been a joy
working with you.
It always is.

But I gotta move on.

It's time now,
and I'm ready.

That's the good news.

I got a great offer
on the house
right off the bat,

so I just, sort of,
took that as a sign,
you know.

I understand.

But I do want Colton's spirit
to live on here.

He was such
a happy little guy,
remember?

I remember.

So, I was up in the attic
cleaning stuff up,

and look what I found.

His favorites.

-[laughing]
-Thank you.

-The kids
are gonna love these.
-Oh, yeah.

But you know what,
Elizabeth,

just a few months ago,

I couldn't get away
from this town fast enough,

and never look back.

But then, when we prayed
together, remember,

I had such a healing.

I really did.

And now, looking back
doesn't seem like

such a scary thing anymore.

Well, I hope
you'll come visit us.

And maybe Ashley
will be ready
to reconnect then.

She can introduce you
to her little boy, Cole.

-Cole?
-Yes.

She named him after Colton.

Oh.

This was Colton's favorite.

[laughing] Isn't he sweet?

Don't you think
Cole should have him?

Thank you.

No. I'm gonna
kiss him goodbye first.

Okay.

Thank you.

No, thank you.

Oh, Elizabeth Baxter.

You're the dearest.

Erin. Hi.

I barely heard you knock.

I didn't wanna wake Jessie.

I did just get her down
for a nap, finally.

Sorry. Did you come
to see her?

No, I came to see you.

I brought you
some of the cookies

that we made at Mom's
the other day.

Thanks.

We missed you.

I know. I wanted to come.
I just...

Can we sit for a second, Kari?

I wanna be honest.

I am here because Mom said

that you aren't coming
to the Christmas tree
lighting tomorrow.

[sighs] I'm sorry, I can't.

I can't imagine how hard
this holiday season must be
without Tim.

The thought of being
with everyone,

trying to put on
a happy face,

while still figuring out
how to manage alone
with Jessie,

it's too much.

But you're not alone.

If you need to cry,
or if you need someone
to take Jessie,

or even if you can
only manage being
around us for a little while,

you and Jessie
are not alone.

I don't want my sadness
to ruin everyone's holiday.

We're your family, Kari.

We love you unconditionally.

And it fills our hearts
to know that we can be
here for you

in your time
of pain and need.

I know you'd do
the same for me.

Please just think about it.

These smell great.

But, you know,
if you pulled
those out too late,

they might lose
their chewy center.

I don't give you pointers
for teaching kindergarten.

Am I too late
for the tree lighting?

No, you're exactly on time.

I will go make sure
everyone's ready.

Hey, thanks, honey.

Mmm.

You look nice.

I'm glad to have
a few moments alone with you.

I know there are some things
that have been very difficult
for you to talk about.

I know.

But I wanna try.

Lillian came by
to the church today
to see the nursery,

and she brought
some of Colton's old toys,

so we have for the kids
when it's finished.

She wanted Cole
to have this one.

It was his favorite.

Thanks, Mom.

It's okay, honey.

Thank you.

Five, four,
three, two, one!

[all cheering]

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

-[doorbell ringing]
-I'll get it.

Scooch over, guys.

Good. Make sure
you all smile.

All right, big smiles,
big smiles.

-One, two.
-Kari.

Perfect.

[indistinct chatter]

Ryan's here.

-Hey.
-Hey.

-How's Jessie?
-She's good.

I'm a little sleep deprived,

but that seems to come
with the territory.

-You don't look it.
-[chuckles]

Will I see you
at church tonight?

We're all heading over soon.

My family's going tomorrow.

I just wanted to come
and see you.

Say goodbye
before I go to New York.

-When's your flight?
-Tomorrow night.

Celebrate Christmas
and then head out.

Wow.

-Yeah.
-It's good.

You're chasing your dreams.

I'm so proud of you.

Thank you, Ryan.

-For what?
-Being there for me
that night.

You know, I realized
the other day

I never asked what
you had come over for
in the first place.

You said there was something
you wanted to talk about.

New York.

Yeah, I came by to tell you
I was definitely taking
the job.

So then, this is goodbye.

Kari...

take care of yourself.

I will. You too.

Goodbye.

Wait.

Yeah?

Merry Christmas, Ryan.

Merry Christmas, Kari girl.

[theme music playing]