01x01 - Why Is There So Much Legalese in Magic?

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

[Anzu grunts]

[Anzu] "To Ms. Anzu Hoshino."

PRODUCT TYPE: VIDEO GAME

Hooray! It's finally here!

[moans happily]

[Anzu] My entire purpose in life
is right here in my hands!

Look at this!

[Anzu] Ever since elementary school,

I spent my time
playing games with the boys.

[boys groaning]

[Anzu] In junior high...

- Hey, karaoke tonight?
- [giggles]

[Anzu] b*ating the final boss
was more important

than hanging out with boys.
[screams]

[laughs]

- Whoa, are you really eating all that?
- Huh?

Won't you gain weight?
And you'll break out.

[laughs]

[Anzu] I don't care what anyone says,
chocolate is my life!

NOPE, DON'T EAT THEM
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, GOBBLE IT DOWN

I love you!

- [meowing]
- But the love of my life is Momohiki!

CUDDLE MOMOHIKI
KISS MOMOHIKI

Romance was non-existent in my life until...

[dreamy music]

Why... Why am I...
[gulps]

...yuka-don-ing this hottie?

[evil chuckle]

[theme music]

[meowing]

[moans]

I get to play my video game

all weekend long.

Yeah! All-nighter, let's do this!

[Anzu hums happily]

Aah...

Huh? Did they change the opening a bit?

Ah, whatever! Start button!

[girl pants, screams]

Are you okay? Did you get hurt?

[both laugh]

[boy] Oh!

[gasps]

[both laugh]

What the heck is with this terrible game?

Oh, come on,
this has to be the wrong game!

Hm?

[grunting]

[grunting, yelping]

A fanfare, please!

You've been selected today as subject one.

- So, congratulations!
- [gasps]

Hello! I'm Riri, the wizard,
who grants all of your dreams.

What? A wizard?

- It's complicated to explain...
- Hm.

...so for the time being,
please, just read this carefully.

What's up with all this legalese
in a magic-themed game?

- And it goes on forever!
- Ugh...

[Anzu] Can you just explain it
in a few sentences?

You mean like this?

[Anzu] No! Just give me a brief summary.

Well, to put it simply,

- we came all the way from the Magic World...
- [groans]

...to support those with no experience
with romantic relationships like you.

[Anzu groans]
Count me out.

So, when did your heart
last throb for a guy?

[Anzu] Oh... Like with Lord Matthew
and Swordsman Musashimaru?

- Those are games characters, right?
- [grunts]

You're in high school, it's time
to quit dreaming and face reality.

Aren't you the wizard
who's supposed to grant my dreams?

- [Riri] But...
- [gasps]

I'm here now, there's no need to worry.

[Riri] I'm here to grant girls like you,
who rejects all opportunities of romance,

a chance to experience love
through this dating game

Dating game!

- Sorry.
- [Riri] Dating game!

I'm not understanding
a word that you're saying.

It seems to me you have no problem
with those dating games

as long as they're made for women.
Isn't that right, huh?

Hmm, sure...

Well then, as the selected test subject,
you'll get to enjoy living your life

just like the heroine
of the game I programmed,

Romantic Thriller!

Did you watch the lovely opening sequence?

And for you, Anzu,

your romance experience scores at zero

- so it may have been too intense.
- [growls]

- [Anzu] No, I just knew I was playing...
- [giggles]

...a terrible game with total amateur
writing and production value.

Ah, so you're particular
about the virtual world

despite having no romantic experiences

- in reality.
- Of course! Do you have any idea

- how many dating games I've finished?
- [groans]

[Riri] But imagine
if you could experience life

surrounded by hot guys for real
just like in the dating game,

even your heart would flutter
with excitement, don't you think?

In... In real life?

[Riri] That's right.

[in deep voice]
In real life.

A super normie life

filled with ago-kui...
[kissing]

Lots of kissing and kabe-don awaits you!
[moans happily]

- Re... Really?
- Yes, really!

[Riri] All kinds of serious hotties agree
to start appearing around you.

[squeals]
And you're gonna be oh so busy!

That many guys?

You see, Anzu? Aren't you beginning
to see me as an angel?

But, no, I already have
the love of my life, Momohiki!

Wait! Where is he?

[gasps]
Momohiki! Huh! Oh! Momohiki?

Ahem. To keep you focus
on your romantic relationships,

your favorite video games, chocolate,
your cat, your three greatest desires

have all been confiscated by yours truly.

Confiscated?

[chuckles nervously]
Are you kidding? Come on! There's no way.

- [evil laughter]
- [gasps]

No!
[whines]

Huh?
[wails]

See?

- [laughs]
- [groans]

[Anzu] All... All of my games

have turned into
Kabayaki-chan Goro snacks!

[Riri] And look,
it's the "soft" kind, too.

Not funny at all!

What about my chocolate?

[gasps]

[Anzu] What? Oh, no!

There's no chocolate on anything!

The delicious parts are all totally gone!

[evil laughter]

Confiscated.

Eating too much chocolate is bad
for your skin and it's a lot of fat.

[Anzu] Don't say that
while you're covered in chocolate!

- So now do you understand what it means...
- [Anzu crying]

...to eliminate your three greatest desires?

Monster!

[Riri] If you want to gain something,
you have to pay the price.

- Did you think you'll get a paradise...
- [growls]

...of hotties for free?
Don't be ridiculous! Come on!

You devil!

Hey! Please, watch your mouth.

To be honest with you, I'm just
your everyday gentle-hearted wizard.

I'm saying this
with your best interest at heart.

What is this? Brainwashing?
Some sketchy cult?

This is the only way that'll get you
to prioritize cuties over your cat.

- Ugh...
- [Momohiki shrieks]

[Riri] When you get lonely,

you most likely turn to chocolates
instead of a boyfriend.

[chuckles awkwardly]

Instead of setting aside time for dates,

you spend all your time playing games.

[Anzu grunting]

So now, do you get it?
[giggles]

How toxic your three greatest desires are
for romantic relationships?

They will be confiscated indefinitely
until you achieve

a lovely Romantic Thriller-level
relationship!

FOREVER CONFISCATED

Impossible! Riri!

[Anzu] I can't even handle
a day without them!

I can live without guys, okay?

But my three greatest desires
are a total necessity for me!

- That's exactly why you were chosen.
- [whines]

Like I said,

we are here to solve Japan's extremely
serious low birth rate problem.

Low birth rate?
That's what this is all about?

Look at that.
You didn't read the explanation

- in the beginning carefully.
- [groans]

Either way,

I'll be assisting you
with your romantic relationships

as best as I can.

For love, for the future of Japan,
and most importantly, for my salary!

Keep that last part
to yourself, all right?

- Oh, my goodness!
- Huh?

I forgot that I left the stove on earlier.

- Well, time to go back to the Magic World.
- [grunts]

- I am not getting involved with this!
- [wails]

[Riri] Actually, remember hitting
your start button before?

Too late! There's no turning back

even if it feels like
sailing a boat made of mud.

No way! A mud boat!

Come on, it was only a little joke.

In reality, an exciting,
Titanic-level romance awaits you!

[grunts]
Either way, the boat is sinking.

Life without my three greatest desires
is gonna be miserable.

Give me back my reason to live!

- [Riri] Until next time! Bon voyage!
- [gasps]

Wait a sec! Hey! Wait!

[gasps]

- Mom! Where's Momohiki?
- Huh?

- Hm, he's right over there.
- [yelps]

[Anzu] Why the heck is he up there?

Momohiki, please, please, please,
show me your cute face!

[kisses, wails]

- [Anzu's dad] I'm home!
- [wails]

Huh?

- [Miyoko] Oh, you're home early.
- [Anzu wails]

Yeah. I know this is sudden...

Momohiki, please...

...but it's been decided
that I'll be transferred to the US.

- Wow!
- What?

And I want you to come with me.

It's always been
a dream of mine to live overseas.

Wait! What about me?

Anzu, honey, you have school.

[Anzu's dad] It will only be two
or three years.

- What?
- [Anzu's dad] You should be able

- to hold down the fort yourself by now.
- Mm-hmm.

- We'll take Momohiki with us too.
- Wait! Things are happening too fast!

[Anzu] And Dad, aren't you
a post office employee?

Why is the relocation, seriously?

- We should get started packing right away.
- [Miyoko chuckling softly]

And we should also celebrate tonight.

[birds chirping]

All right then, we're off.

Make sure you eat every day.
And keep all the doors locked.

- [groans]
- [both] Take care!

[retreating footsteps]

[Anzu] It took them no time to pack
and they're moving overseas.

Mom and Dad
were much too casual about this,

and their whole
high-schooler-living-alone-thing

is way too forced!
[growls]

Well, I had to establish
the playing field early on.

[giggles]

- [growls]
- [Riri screams]

[Riri grunts]

[groans, coughs]

That's right. I've got
extra energy because I'm mad

- and you better watch out!
- [fingers cracking]

- I expect nothing less.
- [growls]

You're the anti-heroine type,
I recognized.

NON-HEROINE

[grunts]

- I don't care what you call me...
- [groans]

...just turn things back to normal now.

- Give me back Momohiki!
- [wails]

[Riri] Impossible!

[breathing heavily]

[panting]

[echoes]
Damn it!

Are you kidding me?

- [Anzu] Chocolate!
- [seller 1] Oh, sorry.

- [Anzu] Chocolate!
- [seller 2] We're closed today.

[Anzu] Where's the chocolate!

[seller 3] We're having
a sugar-free snack fair.

ON SALE
MANAGER'S CHOICE

For real?

They're all sold out? Is that a thing?

[whimpers]

Am I cursed to never eat chocolate
ever again in my whole entire life? Ever?

The chocolate... The cacao...
I'm getting withdrawals...

Why is this happening?

You're kidding me!

[Anzu] Am I really gonna let
that thing who created

that awful Romantic Thriller game
tell me what to do?

No way! Not a chance!

Even if a hot guy does show up,
I just won't fall in love, right?

I'm sorry, but there's no way
someone exists in real life

who could surpass the high standards

I've set up after my experiences
with 2D guys.

As long as
no romantic relationship develops,

- then that thing will have no choice...
- [evil laughter]

...but to give up and leave me alone!

[sinister laughter]

Sneaky devil who stole
my three greatest desires!

Yes, Romantic Thriller, you say?

I will destroy it all.

And I will become the Romantic k*ller!

That being said,
bring it on you so-called cuties!

- Oh.
- [gasps]

Aah!

I am so sorry!
[whimpers]

[sighs]

That's a pretty good cr*ck.

[Anzu] Wow, a hot guy
actually showed up.

I'm really sorry! I'll pay to fix it.

[Tsukasa] You don't have
to pay for the repairs.

What?

I wasn't paying attention either.

[exclaims]

[Anzu] He's nothing compared to
Matthew and Musashimaru!

- [girl wails]
- [boy grunts]

Well, then, uh, thanks! Thanks a lot!

I'm sorry I bumped you. Goodbye!

[laughs awkwardly]

Uh... Uh...

[Anzu] I'm off to school.

[sighs]

Not like there's anyone home to hear me.

[sighs]

I can't believe I ran into
that adorable guy yesterday.

But as long as I avoid
getting involved, it's all good, right?

[scoffs]
Just wait and see, devil!

- Good morning to you!
- [Anzu] They're back!

[Riri] All right.
Time to march on into school.

[grunts, laughs]

Wait! What?

[indistinct chatter]

Why are you following me, huh?

Not to worry, no one but you can see me.

Exactly. That's what I'm worried about.

I'll look crazy if people think
that I'm talking to myself.

Don't worry about that, either.

Whenever you're talking to me,
everyone else is seeing an illusion.

So they won't notice.

You're so annoying.
I'll probably just ignore you.

[Riri] However, young lady...

[Anzu grunts]

[groans]

[grunting]

You must not underestimate my magic.

But, come on!
That wasn't really magic at all!

- I'm off before you take revenge.
- [Anzu gasps]

[groans]

- Huh?
- [exhales]

[Anzu] It's that hottie from yesterday?

That uniform... No way!

[whimpers]
We go to the same school?

That little devil!

Are you okay, dear?

I'm sorry. I'm such a total klutz.
[cheeky laughter]

[Anzu] Riri set me up for that meeting.

[evil laughter]

Huh? You okay? What happened?

Jeez, Tsukasa,
don't just stand there, give her a hand.

[exclaims]

Oh, that's okay. I'm totally fine!
[laughs awkwardly]

[Anzu] I'm not gonna let that thing
have their way.

[laughing continues]

Uh...

S... See ya.

Big deal, he ignored me too.

[beeps]

[beeps]

- [gril 1] Oh, hey, here he comes. Look!
- [girl 2] Excuse me.

You've been on my mind.

Here you go.
Will you please read my letter?

[Anzu] Oh, a girl's confessing
her love to him.

Typical life of a hot guy.

[girl 3] That was really brave of her.

I don't want it.

- [gasps]
- [whimpers]

What? Uh, uh...

Uh...

I'm sorry about him.
[pants]

Ouch.

That poor girl.

[Anzu] Hey, what was that?

He's cute, but his personality?
Not so much.

Hey, Tsukasa. Good morning.

I saw that. But I do get it.

A letter is just a little bit extra
these days, don't you think so?

Really? I'd be flattered
if I got a letter.

I mean, you should've
at least accepted it from her.

I don't want her to get
the wrong idea from me.

- [Rena] I understand.
- [groans in disgust]

[Rena] She's not your type, right?

[Anzu] Ugh! He's full of himself
just because he's a little popular.

There's no way I'd date a guy like him!

[Rena] But anyway, I sent you a message
yesterday and you didn't even read it.

- [Tsukasa] My phone broke.
- [Rena gasps]

[gasps]

- [Rena] That blows.
- [Makoto] Do you have insurance?

[Tsukasa] I was cheap, I didn't get it.

- [Rena] Seriously? That sucks!
- [wails]

[Rena] I'd die without my phone.

- Aren you gonna buy a new one?
- [wailing continues]

[Tsukasa]
Not for a while. I can't afford it.

- [Rena] Really?
- [Anzu groans]

[school bell rings]

[Saki] Whoa.

Your dad was transferred
to the US out of nowhere?

[Anzu] Yeah,

that's the reason why I didn't have
any time to make my lunch today.

Sorry to drag you here with me, Saki.

No worries.
It's my first time here. I'm excited.

[Anzu] Right? Now let's see,
what should I eat?

[Makoto] I'll order for both of us.

[Anzu] All right, the decision is made.

[Tsukasa] Uh, I'll get...

[both] Lunch set A.

[both gasp]

[distressed groans]

[Saki] I think he's the hot guy
that everyone's been talking about.

- Kazuki from Class 7.
- [girls yell excitedly]

[Anzu] Kazuki?

I see.

Yeah. And he's really popular
with all the girls.

[giggles]
You probably didn't notice

because you're usually busy
playing your video games during lunch

[grunts, laughs awkwardly]

I heard he moved here alone
from another prefecture.

Apparently, the girls like him
because he's reserved

- and doesn't smile much.
- I see.

I don't want it.

I don't want her
to get the wrong idea from me.

[Anzu] He's reserved, huh?

I'd say he's got some personality issues

Slowly falling in love after a terrible
first impression is a classic scenario.

Shut up!

- Time to eat.
- [Rena] Tsukasa!

- I'm gonna sit next to you.
- [chokes]

Oh. So, hey, I heard
you live all by yourself.

That's nuts. I wanna come and hang out.
Where do you live?

[Anzu] Ugh! I'm not listening!
Not listening! No!

[indistinct chatter]

I gotta shut out
all the information I don't want to know!

I gotta avoid going to the cafeteria
as much as possible.

[groans]

There's nothing to do here!

I'm bored.

[wails]

How do people live without gaming?

Momohiki is gone and there's no chocolate.

[sighs]

[grunts]

[stomach rumbles]

[TV beeps]

Time to make dinner.
[groans]

[sighs]

[gasps]

[Anzu shrieks]

[narrator] Roaches are unseemly,
so instead, cake. You're welcome!

[terrified moans, screams]

THE GLASS IS IMAGINARY

[screams]
Mommy!

[wails]

Oh, that's right!
I lost my extermination expert!

- She would get rid of them for me.
- [giggles]

[grunts]

[Anzu] It's time to awaken
the soldier within me!

[roars]

Go!

[toots]

Damn, it's empty!

[groans, screams]

[shrieks]

[Anzu] I rushed out,
I didn't bring anything with me.

And I'm wearing two different shoes.

I don't want to go home,
but I'm seriously starving.

[sobs]
Mommy.

[sniffs]

Ugh! This is the worst!

I need to take cover somewhere.

[grunts]

[grunts continues]

And it's pouring.

[Anzu] Huh?

Uh...

A fanfare, please!

And a big congratulations!

Did you fall for my little trick?

I bet now you don't feel like
skipping the ending, right?

In today's world, you can watch
whatever you want at your own convenience.

But don't you think in that process
we've also lost something?

[sighs]
Don't just let things be! Come on!

Let's go on a super-duper happy adventure!

So I can make sure I get paid.

[closing theme music]

♪ Ah, yeah! ♪

♪ Let's go! ♪

♪ Lo-love! ♪

♪ Here we go! ♪