I'm not sure but I think it
was the ancient philosopher
Confucius who first said there
are two sides to everything.
For every yin, there's a yang.
For every up, there's a down.
For each innie, there's an
outie, because whatever
side you're on...
There's always
the other side.
Personally, I like living
in a two-sided world.
It means you always get
a choice.
I prefer a one-sided world.
Everything is so much
simpler that way.
But let's face it.
The world would be totally
boring if there weren't
two sides to everything.
Why complicate things?
I think it's obvious that two
sides are one side too many.
Oh, yeah?
I think it's cool that for every
little voice saying, "Do your
"homework, be nice to your
brother, clean your room,"
there's another little
voice saying...
Blow it off.
I'm outta here.
See what I mean?
It all starts with our genes.
We get half from our mom's,
half from our dad's.
So when Mom and Dad start
taking opposite sides,
guess who winds up getting
turned inside out?
♪♪
♪ Na-na-nana-na ♪
♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪
♪ All right, all right ♪
♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪
♪ Nana-nana-na-na ♪
♪ Way cool ♪
♪ Na-na-nana-na ♪
♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪
♪ All right, all right ♪
♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪
♪ Nana-nana-na-na ♪
♪ Way cool ♪
♪ Na-na-nana-na ♪
♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪
♪ Nana-nana-na-na ♪
♪ Just do it ♪♪
You've heard of pros
and cons, and I don't mean
professionals and convicts.
Pros and cons are just the
debate team's way of saying
"for" and "against."
I know because
Mr. Futzstein's
making us practice debate.
Personally, I'm feeling both
pro and con about it.
Pro because Mr. Futzstein's
the coolest.
And con because I can't decide
what to debate about.
Of course, there are lots of
debatable issues to choose from.
Like butterfly barrettes.
The pro side is they keep
the hair out of your eyes.
The con side is they make it
look like a giant plastic insect
just landed on your head.
Or take a more classic two-sided
issue, like eating peas.
The pro side is, if you eat your
peas, you'll grow up to be big
and strong.
The con side is, you've got to
eat all those peas.
Then there's the kind of issue
where both sides are downsides,
like the existence of my
creepazoid brother, Ferg-breath.
The pro side is... zippo.
While the con side is
too long to be considered.
With all these hot controversies
floating around, you'd think
it'd be easy to choose a debate.
Hey, Dad.
Clarissa, hi.
Uh, I didn't think you were
back from school yet.
What's that?
Well...
All right.
Um, Sport...
Can you keep a secret?
I can't keep it
if you don't tell it.
Yeah, right, okay.
(sighing)
Take a look at my
new design...
for the quick and jiffy
all-in-one mini mall.
Cool!
Yeah.
It's the sort of project
I've always wanted to do.
You've always wanted to
build a mall?
No, I've always hated malls
and that's why this one's
gonna be so special.
And if it catches on, the quick
and jiffy all-in-one mini mall
could become a nationwide chain.
So you could be the guy who
designs the golden arches
of the 's.
Yeah, something like that.
Anyway, I want to surprise your
mom with the good news tonight,
so not a word to anyone.
Dad, your secret's safe
with me.
♪♪
Hi, Dad.
Hey.
By the way, have you seen
the family dog?
Ferguson, we don't--
we don't have a dog.
Hmm.
Good point.
You know, that's why I think
we should have a dog.
I mean, consider all
the things a dog can offer.
Loyalty, warmth,
vital protection.
Kind of like the little
brother I never had.
Yeah, well, Ferguson, if you
want a dog, we're gonna have to
discuss it, but I have to go,
I have a meeting.
So I guess a dog is the only
way for you to get
a best friend.
Hmm, that's real funny.
Just wait 'til I teach him
the command "sic 'em."
Remember, Sport.
Not a word.
A word about what?
It's a secret.
Just remember, Sis, by week's
end, I'll have a mongrel so
bloodthirsty, he'll rip all
your secrets out of you.
If I ever need proof that
there are two sides to
everything, I can just show my
two-faced little brother.
♪ Na-na-nana-na ♪♪
Mom, can I talk to you about
a matter of crucial importance,
not just to me, but to our
entire family?
Of course, Ferguson,
what is it?
Well, Dad said that I could
have a dog if it was
okay with you.
That's not quite how
he put it.
We've been over this
a million times, Ferguson.
But I'll take great
care of a dog.
Allow me, Mom.
Ferg-face, you've never properly
cared for a pet in your life.
Untrue, numb-wad.
Oh, yeah?
What happened to your goldfish?
Junior d*ed of
natural causes.
If you can call forgetting
to feed him for a week natural.
And your turtle?
Ferguson also d*ed of
natural causes.
You never put air holes
in his terrarium.
And what about those sea monkeys
you ordered from the back of
"Richie Rich"?
Ferguson .
Sea monkeys have a very
short life expectancy.
Especially when you let
all their water evaporate.
Mom, giving Ferguson a dog
would be cruelty to animals.
Both of them.
Gee, Mom, I think caring for
a dog would prepare me for
the obligations of manhood.
You've got to admit,
Ferguson, a dog is a big
responsibility.
Come on, Mom, this is me
you're talking about.
Me, the guy who arranges your
spice racks, flosses voluntarily
and always saves receipts.
I'll do whatever it takes.
You'll feed the dog?
Every day.
Wash the dog?
Every week.
Walk the dog?
Walk the dog?
I'd love to have a dog to walk.
Well, it wouldn't hurt for
you to have a trial period.
So does that mean yes?
Hello, Betty?
It's Janet.
Remember you said you needed
your dog walked when you
and Mike went on vacation?
I found a volunteer.
Betty?
Betty Blufinkel.
The Blufinkel dog.
The neighborhood hound
from hell.
Choppers, the Rottweiler.
He'll swallow you up in one
disgusting slobber.
Ferguson will start this
afternoon, I'll send him
right over.
Oh, you're welcome.
Bye.
Oh...
Oh.
Mom, I changed my mind, I want
a fluffy little kitty cat,
we can name him Whiskers.
The Blufinkel dog is
a perfectly nice animal, hmm?
Yeah, if you call a
slobbering drool factory nice.
Hey, Mom, what's with
the posters?
"Save the gingko"?
Who's the gingko?
The gingko is a tree,
Clarissa, and the forest outside
the museum grows the only
gingkos in this area.
I'll have to check 'em out.
You may not be able to.
Today they announced they're
gonna chop those woods down to
make room for a mall.
A mall?
Mm-hmm, just what we need,
another mall, huh?
Would it by any chance
be a...
quick and jiffy all-in-one
mini mall?
You've already
heard about this?
I heard it's gonna be
a really well-designed mall.
Clarissa, those mini malls
never have any sense of
design or individuality.
They're like an ugly growth
moving in on our homes,
destroying everything in
their path.
It's us or them.
Great to see you taking
a stand, Mom.
I'm joining a protest at
the site on Friday,
I can't wait to tell your dad.
Really?
He hates those poorly
designed malls.
He's always said that.
I'm sure he'll want to
get involved.
♪♪
Somehow, I have the feeling
you're right.
♪♪
Okay, here's a truly
debatable point.
Do I tell my parents they're
on a one-way road to
total collision?
Once they find out they
disagree about a major issue,
history proves that things
could get ugly.
Like remember what happened
when Columbus went up against
the Flat Earth Society?
♪♪
It is round.
It is flat.
It's round.
It's flat.
And remember the famous
ice cream wars?
Chocolate is better.
No, no, vanilla is
far superior.
Chocolate is better!
Don't be an idiot!
I won't!
Plus, there's
the never-ending argument of
boys against girls.
Boys are better than girls.
Girls are smarter than boys.
No, boys!
Yes, they are!
Boys!
Just think, the great
mini mall debate could have
equally disastrous results.
I better figure out a way to
keep my parents apart until
this whole thing blows over.
Hi, Sam.
♪♪
Hey, take a look at this.
(dog barking)
What is it?
The Blufinkel dog is dragging
a kid through the street.
Hey, that's Ferguson!
Whoa, his khakis are really
getting shredded.
Okay, what should we
debate for Mr. Futzstein?
I say we go with pizza.
Thin crust or double deep dish?
Now, that's controversial.
Don't talk to me
about debating.
Besides, pizza crust doesn't
quite have the global
ramifications I had in mind.
What's wrong?
I'm getting all the
controversy I want at home.
My dad's building a mini mall.
Cool.
My mom's protesting it.
Uncool.
Well, Mr. Futzstein said we
should stick with what we know.
Why not debate mini malls?
I don't know.
It's perfect.
A topic that hits close to home.
Too close to home.
What am I gonna do about
my parents?
You need what my dad calls a
double-end-around-reverse blitz.
What's that?
It's a football play where
you divide the other team's
linemen behind the line of
scrimmage and then rush in on
both sides before
the ball is snapped.
Could you put that in
laymen's terms?
Butt in.
I was afraid you'd say that.
♪♪
Now, all right, Clarissa,
don't say a thing.
I want to unveil my new
mini mall right before dinner.
Dad, maybe you should wait
a little while longer.
Like until construction's
finished?
Well, don't be silly, Sport,
I want your mom to be at the big
groundbreaking ceremony.
I'm sure she will be.
Yeah.
♪♪
Look at my penny loafers!
That beast dragged me through
the street, covered my khakis
with fur and then drooled all
over my brand-new shoes.
Ferguson's walking
the Blufinkel dog.
Oh, Choppers, the Rottweiler?
Oh, Ferguson, if you can't
control that dog, maybe you
should stop walking him.
No way, Dad.
I negotiated a hefty fee
with bonuses.
That dog is a goldmine.
Why are they paying him
so much?
No one else will walk him.
Huh.
Well, now we know why.
Hi, everyone, I'm running
a little late, so I hope you
don't mind that I picked up
some fast food.
Fast food?
Yes!
Lucky for me, Tofu to Go
was still open.
Gee, tofu.
What a treat.
Um, Janet, I've got
something to tell you.
I've got something to
tell you, too, Marshall.
You go first.
No, you go ahead.
Oh, okay, all right.
Well, today, I found out--
Wait, I've got something
important to say.
Clarissa, your dad was in the
middle of telling me something.
But you're never gonna
believe what happened to
me today.
My locker jammed right before
fifth period.
That's too bad, dear.
Now, Marshall, what were
you about to say?
Today I--
I thought I'd never get
my books out until
Angela Prunewhistle wedged
the door open with her teeth.
Clarissa, what's
gotten into you?
I still haven't figure out
how she did it.
Well, like I was trying
to say, today I--
Amazing or what?
I--
Janet, why don't you go first?
Okay.
You know how we used to care
about so many causes but now we
don't do anything about
them anymore?
Well, I'm getting involved in
something important.
Janet, that's great.
Okay, okay, my turn.
Now, you know that design
problem that has plagued me
since architectural school?
Uh-huh.
Well, I'm finally getting
the chance to solve it.
Oh, how wonderful.
Right, okay.
Here it is.
Oh...
Yeah, it's my design for the
new quick and jiffy
all-in-one mini mall.
You know, if we've got to have
shopping malls, isn't it time we
designed something that isn't
really annoying?
We break ground this Friday.
Hey, isn't this the mini mall
they're putting up over by
the gingko trees?
Not over by the gingko trees.
On top of the gingko trees.
The gingko trees?
♪ Nana-nana-na-na ♪♪
♪♪
Time for a late-breaking
Clarissa Darling news update.
In the headlines this week,
"Darlings On The March."
Construction on Dad's mini mall
starts Friday.
Mom's protest group will be
there to stop it.
Now for the details.
Hostilities have been escalating
as Mom and Dad continue to
fight for opposing forces,
and now, both sides refuse to
recognize one another.
Locked in, unwilling to bend,
trapped together on a collision
course with destiny.
On the lighter side,
a small redhead has bonded
with a loveable pooch.
Ferguson and Choppers.
Looks like this dog
is getting his day.
And that's the Darling
world of news.
My only editorial comment:
bummer.
Hi, Sam.
♪♪
Hey.
What's going on?
What's the difference
between a fight and a debate?
Well, when you're fighting
with someone, you're really mad
at each other, and when you're
debating, you can still go out
for pizza afterwards.
Just as I thought.
Mom and Dad are really fighting.
Hey, look, we don't
agree on everything.
That's not true,
we almost always agree.
See what I mean?
Funny.
I can't take this anymore.
Everything around here
is just so tense.
When your parents fight,
do they say they're fighting?
Why?
Take it from me.
You've got to listen carefully
to parental lingo.
Like if they're fighting
and they say they're fighting,
you're cool.
But if they're fighting and they
say they're having a discussion,
look out.
Oh, that's nothing.
The worst is when they start
referring to each other as
"your mother" and "your father."
Yeah.
My mom ran off to join
the roller derby when they
got to that stage.
But don't worry, I don't think
your mom's
the roller derby type.
But what if they never
stop fighting?
What if the Darling house
becomes a house divided?
What if the tension between them
just builds and builds
and builds until both
their heads explode?
Don't you think you're
overreacting?
Hey, Sam.
Hi.
Sport, you didn't take
the aspirin, did you?
No.
Hmm.
It's all this tension from this
mini mall thing is giving me
a wicked headache.
It feels like my head's
going to explode.
♪♪
Uh, Dad, don't you think
it's time you and Mom
stopped fighting?
Oh, we're not fighting,
Sport.
Your mom and I, we're having
a discussion.
♪♪
Clarissa, have you seen
the aspirin?
Oh, never mind,
I'll check downstairs.
Well, I better go finish my
speech for the groundbreaking
ceremonies.
Oh...
Whoa.
Maybe you're not overreacting.
Maybe you should talk to
your parents.
You're right.
I've got to get one of them
to change their minds.
♪♪
Okay, trying to get your mom
to change her mind,
mission impossible?
Well, let's just say mission
highly unlikely.
But what else can I do?
You're about to see my
three basic debate tactics
for parental persuasion.
Mom?
Yes, dear?
I need to talk to you.
Of course, honey.
All this stuff about
save the gingkos?
Come on.
If there's a whole forest of
gingko trees, how endangered
can they be?
Clarissa, there are exactly
, in North America
and now they want to chop down
five acres of them.
Ooh.
Well, I see your point.
Maybe you're right.
But, Mom, what will
the neighbors think?
I've heard them talking.
Clarissa, the gingkos are
their trees, too, and you can't
go around worrying what
everyone thinks of you.
Ooh, good point.
But you know, Mom...
Since you've taken up this
mini mall crusade,
I've dropped out of school,
gotten my nose pierced
and met a totally rad
new boyfriend.
Clarissa, it's not working,
you're not gonna talk me out of
this protest.
You're right, Mom.
I don't really want to.
The environment is much more
important than any mall.
But what if you and Dad
never stop fighting?
Your father and I are
not fighting.
We're having a discussion.
That's what I was afraid of.
♪♪
Okay, plan "B."
Dad, different target,
different rules.
All you need is
a simple single tactic.
Flattery gets you everywhere.
Well, at least I hope so.
♪♪
Hi, Dad.
Hey there, Sport.
You look great today, Dad.
Oh, thanks, Clarissa.
You know, Dad,
an understanding person like you
can probably see Mom's point
about this whole
mini mall thing.
There isn't any way you'd
give it up, is there?
Give it up?
You know, make Mom happy,
restore family unity
and save the environment,
all in one bold move.
Uh, look, Clarissa,
I understand it's hard when your
parents disagree, but, you know,
there's just some things you
have to live with.
You do?
Your mom is standing up for
what she believes in and I am
finally getting the chance to
build a whole block of funky
yet functional
interconnected structures.
It does look pretty cool.
Yeah.
It's an architect's dream.
Well, I'd better get back
to the old drawing board.
Me too.
♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪♪
Okay, I've bonded with
both my parents, but their feet
are still stuck in cement.
Tomorrow, Dad digs that first
ceremonial shovel towards
building the mall of his dreams
and Mom will stand up for
the rights of the environment
and gingko trees everywhere.
Hi, Sam.
♪♪
Hey.
So what happened?
Well, on the one hand,
a cool-looking mini mall with
really great stores could
add a lot to this area.
So your mom buckled?
On the other hand, the gingko
trees are an important resource
and much more attractive
than any mini mall.
Oh, so your dad buckled.
Actually, I'm the one
who buckled.
I guess I can't solve
my parents' problems.
They do both have their
point of view.
♪♪
Don't you knock, dog-breath?
I'm calling it now.
If Mom and Dad split up, I get
full custody of the good TV.
Mom and Dad aren't
splitting up.
Just covering my bases.
Slug lips.
Ooh.
Are things really that bad?
It's not the fighting I mind,
it's the tension.
I just wish they could walk
a mile in each other's shoes.
♪♪
Wait, that's an idea.
You're going to exchange
their shoes?
Something like that.
♪♪
♪♪
Um, Sport,
is my tie on straight?
Looking good, Dad.
Yeah?
I'm a little nervous about this
speech I've got to make at
the groundbreaking.
Well, you can't go wrong
in a suit with a shovel.
Yeah, it's sort of
a classic combination.
Clarissa, I'm off to
the protest.
Now, if I get arrested, I want
you to call these numbers.
Mom, you're not gonna
get arrested.
We're counting on it.
Well, better be going.
Me too.
Mom, Dad, wait.
What is it, Clarissa?
Um...
I need help with my
school project.
Oh, gee, Sport, I'm afraid
it's gonna have to wait.
It's for Mr. Futzstein's
debate assignment.
You know, debating is the last
civilized form of
strongly disagreeing.
Clarissa, your mother and I
have discussed this civilly.
Yes, I already know how
your father feels.
And I already know how
your mother feels.
It'll just take a second.
All you have to do is start
with the first affirmative.
What's that?
In this case, debate-speak.
For why mini malls are cool
in words or less.
Mom, you start.
But I don't think
mini malls are cool.
Mr. Futzstein
says you've got to
know your opponent's viewpoint
before destroying it.
Ready, Mom?
Clarissa, I really don't
think we have time for this.
Your father's right,
we'd better go.
Please!
Oh.
All right, Clarissa.
I think we should have
mini malls because...
... they don't have to be
the ugliest things in
the world, I guess.
And they don't have to
destroy our land, I suppose.
And some people find them
vaguely convenient, I'd imagine.
Okay.
Dad, why should we save
the gingkos in words or less?
Yeah.
I think we ought to save
the gingkos because...
... Janet thinks we should.
Dad, you can do
better than that.
All right, okay.
Um...
I guess sitting in the shade of
a gingko beats...
a root canal.
And I guess
it's better than sitting
under a quick and jiffy
all-aluminum umbrella.
You know, in Mr. Futzstein's
class, we get extra credit
for coming up with
a compromise solution.
Well, Marshall,
you remember your
design for the student
activities center way back when
you still cared about
the environment?
No.
You remember that,
it had that big,
beautiful atrium inside.
Oh, right.
Oh, right, my atrium.
Yeah, I never got to build that.
You could now.
Oh, I like it.
I like it.
A quick and jiffy all-in-one
mini mall with
connective atrium.
A home for the gingko tree
preserve.
Well, it's worth a sh*t.
I love a good atrium.
Isn't it wonderful when
parents help themselves?
♪ Na-na-nana-na ♪
♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪♪
Hey, Sport.
How'd your debate go?
Sam and I did really well on
the mini mall controversy,
but then we had to spot-debate
the Thorndyke twins
on strip mining.
Strip mining?
Now, there's an
ecological disaster.
Those two are really
persuasive.
They managed to convince the
class that we should strip-mine
Yellowstone National Park.
I guess the winning side
isn't always the right side.
That's just what
Mr. Futzstein said.
Well, let's just hope that
the zoning board is on
the right side.
The gingko atrium
all-in-one mini mall.
I think the developers and
the committee to save the gingko
are working on
a groundbreaking plan.
(dog barking)
What's that?
That's just Ferguson
out back working.
Ferguson?
Work?
Those two words don't belong
in the same sentence.
He's walking the dogs.
You mean dog?
No, I mean dogs, dear.
Old Doc Proctor's paying
Ferguson to walk his dogs, too.
That abrasive
evil mutant mutt hounds?
♪♪
(yelling)
(clattering)
(dogs growling)
Sit!
Sit, Strangler!
Sit, Babar!
Sit, Warmonger!
Good!
Good boys!
Stay!
Stay, stay!
Ferguson!
Mush, mush!
♪ Na-na-nana-na ♪
♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪
♪ Na-na-nana-na ♪
♪ Nana-na-na-na-na ♪
♪ Na-na-nana-na ♪
02x12 - The Great Debate
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Clarissa Darling is a teenager who addresses the audience directly to explain the things that are happening in her life, dealing with typical adolescent concerns such as school, boys, pimples, wearing her first training bra, and an annoying younger brother.
Clarissa Darling is a teenager who addresses the audience directly to explain the things that are happening in her life, dealing with typical adolescent concerns such as school, boys, pimples, wearing her first training bra, and an annoying younger brother.