[liquid bubbling]
- I'm not sure, but I think it was the French chemist
Louis Pasteur who first said,
"Your friends and your family just won't mix."
It's kind of like orange juice and milk.
They're okay on their own,
but combine them, and they make you barf.
Why? It's all modern chemistry.
Here's how it works:
everything is made up of three basic parts:
the proton, the neutron, and the Fergutron.
Depending on their energy, they can attract you,
repel you, or set off a chain reaction.
So the next time you find yourself
attracted to a total dweeb, repelled by your favorite food,
or caught in the gum wrapper chain reaction,
it's probably just modern chemistry,
the force that bonds us all together,
but remember, mixing random elements
can be incredibly dangerous.
Like, I wonder what would happen
if I took one highly unstable Darling household
and then added my best friend, Sam.
A cosmic connection or a massive expl*si*n?
Prepare yourself for a chemical meltdown.
[expl*si*n booms]
- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ All right, all right
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na
♪ Way cool
♪ Na, na, na-na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ All right, all right
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na
♪ Way cool
♪ Na, na, na-na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na
♪ Just do it
- How about life-size PEZ statues?
Tilt the head back and you get a brick of candy?
- Good one.
Wait.
I've got it.
Scratch-and-sniff sports cards--
you get the smell of a locker room
in every pack.
- That's disgusting.
Write it down.
I know this may not look like homework,
but when Mr. Fudstein assigned extra credit projects
on entrepreneurs through history...
- Waterproof lasagna.
- Sam and I signed up
to create a foolproof $-million idea.
[cash register clangs]
Talk about extra credit.
- Our grades will improve
while we get to swim in disposable income.
- All we have to do is come up with that one big idea.
I know what you're thinking.
"How can anyone know for sure
what people will spend their hard-earned bucks on?"
Let's take a look at some of history's success stories.
Like, what would you offer for this little beauty?
The pet rock--it's cheap.
It's profound. It's easy to care for.
How about this lovely and fashionable mood ring?
It changes color according to your mood,
so if you're not sure whether you're happy, sad,
or a sucker, just look at your ring.
As future entrepreneurs, I feel it's our destiny
to make million americans spend their hard-earned dollar
on a product they never needed
and suddenly can't live without.
We've got until next Monday.
- That's if I don't go crazy first.
- What are you talking about?
- Well, my dad's going to California tomorrow
to interview the rookie of the year.
He'll be gone a whole week, and that means...
- No. - Yes.
- Not... both: Mrs. Purolnik.
- The babysitter from hell.
- With the meat loaf that still twitches.
- And the sardine breath.
- Plus, there's that framed picture
of the chihuahua she talks to every night.
- You didn't tell me about that.
- It's way too creepy.
- Sam, we've got to get you out of this.
That woman is beyond the beyond.
- But how?
- I know. You can stay with us.
- You mean with the whole Darling family?
- Yeah, it'll be great.
We'll have all week to jam out our $-million ideas.
Who knows?
Maybe we'll even come up with a $-million idea
that actually makes us $ million.
- We could even make a prototype.
- I can see it now,
Clarissa and Sam, Unlimited.
- Better yet, Sam and Clarissa, Incorporated.
- We can work out the details later.
- But are you sure your parents wouldn't mind?
- Mind? No way.
What are guest rooms for anyway?
- Hey, that means I'll be the guest.
I've never been a guest in your house before.
- Sam, you've been here a thousand times.
- This is different.
- I just have two words to say to you, Sam:
Mrs. Purolnik.
- I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask.
- Oh-bee-kay-dee.
- Hello?
This is Janet Darling calling
for our community plant a tree campaign.
If I could just have a minute of your--
[gasps]
I can plant what?
On my what?
[scoffs]
Ugh, that's impossible.
- Janet, have you seen my "Whizbomb Squadron"s?
- I put them right over there
next to the "Junior Justice League."
- Janet, the Whizbomb Squadron
is a brotherhood of evil mutants.
Now, you don't think the Junior Justice League
would ever join them, do you?
- I admit, I never gave it much thought until now.
At this rate, organizing your old comic book collection
is gonna take you forever.
- Yeah, but it's time well spent.
When I first found these in the basement, it really--
- You know, you'd save a lot of trees
if you just had them recycled.
- Janet.
And take my childhood and grind it into a pulp?
Hey, sport.
- Mom, Dad, can I ask you a favor?
- Sure, go ahead. - Of course.
- Sam's dad's going away tomorrow.
Would it be okay if he spent the week here?
- Poor Samuel.
It's tough enough being a latchkey kid
without a real family, let alone having your dad
always leave on business trips.
- Hey, Sam has a family.
He has a dad,
and his dad lets him watch TV whenever he wants
and gives him driving lessons
and an unlimited supply of frozen pizza.
- Mm, gee, well, when you put it that way,
it doesn't sound so bad.
- So it's a yes?
- Well, you know, Samuel
might enjoy staying with a normal family.
- Yeah, all we have to do now is find a normal family.
- Mom, Dad, I've been thinking.
I insist that you lower my allowance.
- Lower your allowance?
What, are you joking?
- No, most honorable father.
I just read that Japanese baseball legend Sadaharu Oh
once requested a salary cut to benefit his team.
It is in this spirit of wa,
which is the force of fellowship, sacrifice,
and team spirit,
that I now humbly submit to help my team,
my family.
- What's the catch? - Catch?
Why would I need a catch?
Does the caterpillar need a catch
to become a butterfly?
I'd just like to start a paper route.
- Oh, well, that's a great idea.
- Of course, to become a truly honorable paperboy,
I'll need the proper equipment,
a sturdy canvas bag, leather gloves, and a bicycle.
- Why didn't I see that coming?
- Ferguson, you already have a bike.
- Had a bike, since Clifford Spleenhurfer
wrapped it around a lamppost.
- Oh, yeah, that's right. - Oh, that was terrible.
- So what do you say, most honorable father?
- Well, what'd you have in mind?
- The Rockbounder ,.
- Ah, rock...
Well, we'll have to think about the Rockbounder,
but, uh, the paper route sounds like a good idea.
You can start on foot.
- On foot? - Yeah.
- I'll have to meditate on it first.
- And Sam can stay starting tomorrow?
- Of course.
I'll speak to his fathertonight.
- Thanks, mom. Thanks a million.
- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
[doorbell rings]
♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na
♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na ♪
- Hello, Samuel.
- Uh, hello, Mrs. Darling.
- Hi, Sam.
I guess you don't believe in traveling light.
- Well, I had my stuff in a grocery bag,
but Dad kind of suggested I use these.
- You can put your things in the guest room.
We're just about to have dinner, hmm.
Will someone help me get the extra serving platter
down from the cabinet?
- Gee, mom, I'd love to,
but I've got to contemplate mywa
if I'm ever to achieve oneness, and who knows?
Maybe someday, twoness.
- Uh-huh. Clarissa?
- Well, I was just gonna get started on my project
for Mr. Fudstein.
- I, um, don't mind helping.
- Well, that's very polite of you, Samuel.
- I mean, I am the guest and everything.
- Come on.
I'll show you where it is.
- What a drag.
Sam was supposed to help me get set up for our project.
- "That's very polite of you, Samuel."
Did you bring him over here just to make me look bad?
I'm supposed to be the polite one.
- Well, you were too busy achieving oneness
with your brown-nosing-ness.
- If your little friend keeps upstaging me,
he's gonna blow my sh*t at getting the Rockbounder ,.
You know how long it took me
to read "Legends of Japanese Baseball"?
- Do you know what it's like living with a legend
of American suck-ups?
- Seconds on tofu pudding, anyone?
- No, no thanks. - No, no.
- Samuel, more tofu?
- Um, sure, Mrs. Darling.
Gee, thanks.
- So, uh, whose turn is it to do the dishes?
- Well, Dad, in pursuit of a more Eastern mind-set,
I've switched over to the traditional Japanese calendar,
so technically it's Clarissa's turn.
- Is not. - Is too.
- Is not! - Is too!
- Honestly, what do you two expect,
for Samuel to do the dishes?
- Okay.
I don't mind. I'd be glad to do the dishes.
- Ah, Sam, it was just a joke.
- Yes, don't be silly.
- Really, it's no problem.
- You don't mean that.
He doesn't mean that.
Do you mean that?
- It's okay.
My dad and I do the dishes together all the time.
It's a kind of single parent/only child
bonding thing.
- Well, hey, looks like Sam's really got
thatwaspirit, huh?
- Wait! That's mywa.
I mean, gee, Dad, I insist on cleansing the dishes
as a means of also cleansing my spirit.
- Whatever you say, Ferguson.
- Let me at those dishes.
- Ferguson cleansing his spirit?
He better use steel wool.
Okay, it's time for a fast-breaking
entrepreneurial update.
Clarissa and Sam, Unlimited, has been forced to operate
as Clarissa, Limited,
due to the repeated absence of our trusted partner.
Anyway, here are my ideas so far:
first, the disposable alarm clock,
perfect for the late-sleeping executive
who dares to live life beyond the snooze button.
[alarm clock beeping]
[alarm clock clatters]
Then the four-season snowball device--
add water, open it up, snowball fights in June.
But the real breakthrough:
for a small fee, viewers are matched
with the perfect rerun.
You know, I think that "Gilligan" episode
could upset you.
Better stick with...
[keyboard clicking and phones ringing]
"The Brady Bunch," when Marcia breaks her nose.
Thank you, and have a good day.
[phones ringing]
Projected market value:
$ million.
[cash register clangs]
- [sighs]
Hi, Clarissa.
- So what do you think, Sam?
Should we go with the disposable alarm clock,
summertime snowballs,
or the rerun counseling center?
- I guess those ideas are okay.
- Just okay?
- Well, I'm not sure I like any of 'em.
- Do you have any better ideas?
- No, but I think we can do better.
- Maybe we could if you spent a little more time
on this project.
- You're right.
It's just-- - just what?
- Well, your parents are really nice and everything.
- Yeah?
- But I keep feeling like I have to eat extra tofu goop
and do all the dishes,
or else I'll-- I don't know--
hurt their feelings or something.
- Don't worry about it, Sam.
Just do what I do.
Tell them you'd like to do whatever it is they want you to,
just as soon as you're not so busy with something else.
You've got to put them off, Sam.
- But I can't. - Why not?
- Because I'm their guest.
- Then put them off politely.
Believe me. They can handle it.
- So you know what I'm talking about?
- Sure.
Now let's crank out those $-million ideas.
[knocking]
- Hey, what are you guys doing?
both: Nothing.
- Remember, just say no.
- Oh, Samuel, you miss your father, don't you?
- Well--
- I'll tell you what.
Why don't you come downstairs
and help me with my plant a tree campaign?
- Well, actually, we're in the middle
of a project here.
- Well, I just thought you might help me
finish off my calling list today,
but it's okay.
- Well... - Sam.
- I guess we could take a break.
- Sam! - I won't keep him long.
Don't worry.
- No, Sam! Sam!
Wait, Sam!
[ominous music]
Why do I get the creepy feeling that I'm losing a friend
and my parents are gaining a son?
- ♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na
- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na
♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na ♪
- You know, since Sam's been here,
something weird's been going on.
A strange and sinister force has taken control
of the Darling home,
created by ultrahigh levels of politeness.
It's eerie. It's freaky.
It's...
- Samuel,
could you give me a hand with the celery?
- I'd be glad to help you, Mrs. Darling.
[warbling tone]
- Sam!
Scream as it strikes without warning.
- Sam.
Can you help me with this nail?
[warbling tone]
- Allow me, Mr. Darling.
[hammer pounding]
- Gag when it happens to your best friend.
[together] Could we borrow Sam for a minute?
- No, Sam, no!
[warbling tone]
- I must be helpful.
I must be polite.
I must obey.
[maniacal laughter]
- [screaming]
"Invasion of the Buddy Snatchers,"
coming soon to a living room near you.
And here on Shadow Lane,
no one can hear you scream.
- Thanks for the help, Sam.
- Um, sure, Mr. Darling.
Clarissa, please help me before I help again.
- Okay, listen carefully,
and do exactly as I say.
Run upstairs. Turn on the computer.
And get started on those $-million ideas.
Quick. I'll cover for you.
- Sam, do you have "Mr. Jujitsu"?
Check under pile "A," would you?
- Go, Sam. It's not too late.
Go! - Sam, come on, come on.
Come on, let's double-check
and make sure we've got everything in order.
- Well... - Yeah.
- "Jujitsu," check.
- Good. Uh, "Colonel Nitro."
- Check. - Uh, "The Phenomenal Five."
- Check. Check.
Check. - Ah, we're all set.
[door rattles]
- [grunting]
There's got to be a better way to scam a bike.
Oh, hi, Dad. - Hey.
- Um, I was just thinking about you,
honorable father.
- Yeah, well, I've got something for you,
son-san.
- The Rockbounder ,--
I am not worthy.
- That's for sure.
- Ferguson, I present to you for keeps
my very own...
Comic book collection.
- Ah, comics.
- Yeah, you know, from father,
I'm passing it down to a son.
It's sort of a generational thing.
- Old comics--
they're so...
Old.
- You don't like 'em?
- No, um...
It's just that I have to remain focused
on a single task, like the lotus blossom.
Does it strive to be a grasshopper?
Does the grasshopper strive to be a lotus blossom?
- Hey, Dad, maybe these old comic books
would make really cool wallpaper.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Well, if you guys don't like my comics,
I'll just stick 'em back in storage
where they belong, okay?
- Whoa, "Squid Man!"
I heard about this.
That's pretty cool.
- Sam.
- Totally cool.
- They are? - They are?
- Yeah, sure they are.
Look at this.
This is issue .
This is when Squid Man invades the fortress
of Dr. Apocalypse.
- But his secret identity
is really this wimpy fisherman guy.
- That's right, Kirk Carp,
a seemingly mild-mannered tuna boat captain.
- Whoa.
- Yeah, I've been trying to dig up the first issue.
- Wow, I'd love to see that.
- Yeah? Well, come on.
It's probably in the basement.
- Did that just happen again?
- This has got to stop.
- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na
- You brought him into this house.
You get him out.
- Come on. Lay off Sam.
- But he's evil. He's dangerous.
He's got to go,
or I won't be responsible for what happens.
- Oh, what would you do?
- That's classified.
Just remember, he's costing me my Rockbounder.
- Why should I stop Sam from making your life miserable?
- Just answer me one small question.
Do you or do you not want your so-called friend
out of the house?
It's not just me.
- I won't turn against Sam.
Just because I don't want him here
doesn't mean I don't want him here.
- Ha!
You want to give him the boot
just as much as I do.
- That's enough.
- Okay, sis, don't take my advice.
It can only get worse.
- Get out.
Get out!
- Hmm.
If it goes unchecked, who knows?
Mom and Dad might give him your computer,
your walkman,
maybe even your room.
- Get out of here now!
[door slams]
That little creepazoid.
Sam's my best friend.
On the other hand,
Sam is getting a little weird.
On the other hand, you can't judge someone
until you've walked one mile in his high-tops.
On the other hand,
what if Ferg-face is actually right about something?
I can just see it now.
[harp glissando]
[funky hip-hop music plays]
♪
- Hi, Clarissa.
[warbling bell chime]
- Hey.
♪
[knocking]
- Hiya, Sam.
- Hi. - Hi.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What--what's your name, again?
- Clarissa, Clarissa Darling.
- Oh. - Oh, yeah, right, right.
- Here, Samuel.
Marshall and I want you to have these,
the keys to your very own convertible.
[car horn honks and engine revs]
- Wow!
My own car?
Thanks, Janet.
Thanks, Marshall.
- Oh, we'd do anything
for a kid we could be proud of...
[echoing] proud of...
[harp glissando]
- Ferguson's right.
Sam's got to be stopped.
Enemy territory--
Ferguson's room.
Never hurts to check for bugs
for surveillance and the creepy, crawly kind.
- Banzai! - [shrieks]
- You flinched.
- Did not. - What do you want?
- I hate to say it, but I need your help.
- So you finally crawled back to beg for my assistance.
- Look. This Sam thing is a problem.
For his own sake, he's got to go.
Let's hear what you have in mind.
- Well, I suggest mutual cooperation
between the forces of goodness, righteousness,
and intelligence-- that's me--
and the equally opposing factors of, uh,
dork breath, yuckitude, and grossness.
That'd be you.
- You and me team up?
- Exactly.
You don't pick on me.
I don't pick on you.
We get rid of Sam.
- Okay, bacteria breath.
Lay it on me.
- First, we drive him from the guest room
with this high-density dose of this limburger cheese.
- Gross!
- Then we mail his luggage to Albania
with him in it.
Hmm, and here's the clincher:
we inform their government
that he's a spy trying to escape.
They'll lock him up forever.
- We just want Sam to be gone, not a goner.
Come on. I'll show you what I mean.
[keyboard clicking]
Okay, here's the basic principle:
what we need is something efficient but not too painful.
Remember...
[bouncy electronic music]
Nonviolent rules.
- Uh-oh, here he comes.
- k*ll the lights. He'll get the message.
- [electronic voice] Nobody home.
Go away. - No way!
He's sneaking in the back.
- Quick, slam the door.
[door bangs]
- This guy just won't quit.
- We'd better cool him off.
[water splashes]
- He's still coming.
- Give him the window seat.
- Yes! And it's sayonara, Sam.
♪
- I call it operation lockout.
- Let me try that again.
Take that and that and a couple of these.
Bye, Sam. Don't call us.
We'll call you.
- Hey, what's that, another $-million idea?
Let me try. - Hi, Sam.
[chuckles]
- Wait a second.
[chuckles]
what's the idea of this game?
- The game?
What game?
Oh, huh, the game--
you don't want to play this game.
- That's me.
You're trying to get rid of me.
- Sam.
- Wow.
Clarissa, I--
I don't believe it.
Do you really want me out of here?
- Well, actually--
- Because if you do,
I want you to know, it's okay with me.
- It is?
- Ugh, yes, I can't wait to leave.
- But you and my parents are getting along so well.
- I want to get out of here
as much as you want me out of here.
Believe me.
- I like having you here, usually,
but now you spend all your time with my parents.
We've barely gotten started on our project.
- I know.
At least with Mrs. Purolnik, she was the guest.
Now I'm the guest, and it's weird.
I feel like I have to be polite to your parents.
- My parents are just trying to be polite to you.
- I guess I don't know how to deal
with other people's parents.
- Look, my parents just wanted you to have a good time.
I just wanted you to have a good time.
- I just wanted me to have a good time too.
- Then what are we waiting for?
If we get to work, maybe we can still finish our project.
- But are you sure you want me to stay?
- Absolutely.
We'll make $ million in extra credit.
- You call that a fight? Give me a break!
He's a bigger suck-up than I am.
She dragged you into this.
- How do you make him shut up?
- If I had the answer to that question,
I'd be a millionaire.
- Don't you hate him? Don't you hate her?
[together] That's it.
- We need something soundproof.
- That'll fit down his throat.
- You were supposed to boot him, boot him, boot him.
- Volume control for annoying people.
- I don't believe this.
You morons think in a million years
you could actually come up with a volume control unit
for annoying people?
[grunting]
- And look. The prototype works already.
- [grunting]
- Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
- Hi, guys. - Hey, guys.
- So how'd the school project go?
- I can't believe Dora Dillwinker
had the best idea.
- Yeah, it could've been us if only we'd have thought
of the aerobic-powered food processer.
- It's so obvious when you think about it.
- The best ideas always are.
- This is ridiculous.
You don't hear about Pony Express guys
walking across the West.
- Well, Ferguson, the ones with realwa
manage to make do.
- Yeah, right,wa.
Well, mywa'spretty tired right now.
- Well, you know, if you're really dedicated,
you might make enough money to buy yourself a new bike.
- Oh, it might be nice to have a bike in my old age.
- Yeah, well, maybe a three-speeder.
- Sure, Dad. - Well, I don't know, Marshall.
- But in the meantime,
do you think this'll do?
[trumpet fanfare and drumroll]
- The Rockbounder ,!
Wow, is it for me for keeps?
- Yes, it is, old, honorable paperboy.
- Father-san!
- Try it, Ferguson. - Mother-san!
- I guess there's no place like home.
I mean, I hope there's no place like home.
[together] Well, it's a nice place to visit,
but I wouldn't want to live here.
- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ All right, all right
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na
♪ Way cool
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na
♪ Na, na, na-na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na
♪ Way cool
♪ Na, na, na-na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na
♪ Just do it
[thunder crashes]
02x03 - Sam Darling
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Clarissa Darling is a teenager who addresses the audience directly to explain the things that are happening in her life, dealing with typical adolescent concerns such as school, boys, pimples, wearing her first training bra, and an annoying younger brother.
Clarissa Darling is a teenager who addresses the audience directly to explain the things that are happening in her life, dealing with typical adolescent concerns such as school, boys, pimples, wearing her first training bra, and an annoying younger brother.