07x27 - Doug: I, Rubbersuit

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chuckling]

[growling]

Hey! Hey! [screams]

[barking]

[whistling]

[groans]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear journal,

possibly the worst day of my life

actually started
when I received a big honor

in the school newspaper office.

Guy Graham, the editor,
gave out press passes

to his most trusted staff members.

These press passes make you

our school's most trusted representatives.

You'll venture out there
to witness history

and bring it back to our readers.

Besides, a press pass can get you in a lot
of free stuff.

A press pass is a sacred trust,
a moral oath,

a big ka-blooey! Raise your right hand.

I swear never to misuse the sacred trust
of the press.

[all repeating] I swear never to misuse
the sacred trust of the press.

Or I will forfeit my press pass
privileges permanently.

Pow! Gone forever in disgrace.

Or I will forfeit my press pass privileges
permanently.

Pow. Gone forever in disgrace.

I'm outta here.

[all] I'm outta here?

Wow! Do you realize
this is my first actual sacred trust,

moral oath, and big ka-blooey?

[both] Huh?

Hey, press pass people.

There's two exclusive press previews

of the new giant screen

You can only get in with your press pass!
Later!

Wow! An exclusive press preview.

Want to go, Doug?

Us together? Sure. OK.

OK, then.

[Doug] An exclusive preview
with Patti sounded great.

-But then things started to go bad.
-[crash]

Heh heh.

[theme being whistled]

[chuckling]

Mmhh! Mmhh! Mmhh! Mmhh!

That's me!

[bow wow]

[barking]

[muttering]

Mmhh!

[Skeeter] Cool, man!
You're gonna get to see

the giant screen 3-D movie
a month before anybody!

So why do you look like you just swallowed
a gym sock?

'Cause I have to tell Patti we can't go.

There's only two press previews, and
I can't get a ride to either one.

Bummer.

Psst. Hey, Funnie.

Huh? Oh. Hey, Roger.

Your press pass can get you
into the preview

of the new giant screen 3-D movie, huh?

If I could just get there.

You could if I loan you my limo.

-You would do that?
-Sure, Funnie, old buddy.

Just loan me your press pass

so I can go to tonight's preview,

and you can have the limo and
show for tomorrow.

I can't do that. The press pass
is a sacred trust.

Trust schmust. Nobody'll know.

Why would you want to see a movie
at the museum, Roger?

Why do I want to see Guts,

a 3-D giant-screen trip through
an actual stomach?

Are you kiddin'?

"Follow a Swirly's chiliburger in 3-D

from chewing to swallowing

to bubbling in real digestive juices."

Chewy kookamonga! It's like they made
a movie just for me!

We can both get what we want here, Funnie.

[Doug] So there it was, my chance to go

to an exclusive preview
of a really cool movie,

with Patti sitting right next to me.

[animal-like trumpeting]

Oh, no, Doug! Gurgling bile...

and it's headed right for us!

Don't worry, Patti. I'll protect you.

Heh heh heh!

If I don't go, you don't go.

No guts, no glory.

It's just for one night.

[Doug] It made sense.
What harm could it do

letting Roger borrow my press pass to go

to one little movie for free?

Come on, Funnie. You want the limo or not?

Um...

Well?

Well... OK.

[Doug] The next morning, weird things
started to happen.

Oh!

Hey, Mom, you working
at the recycling center today?

You come home right after school,

and we'll talk, Douglas Yancy Funnie!

I knew I was in trouble when Mom used
my middle name.

But what had I done?

I don't know.

Good morning, Mary Dink.

I'm very disappointed,
Douglas Yancy Funnie.

[Doug] I didn't know Mrs. Dink even knew
my middle name.

What was she so mad about?

I thought Mr. Bone always looked unhappy,

but it turns out that was his happy face.

This was his unhappy face.

Well, well. If it isn't

Mr. "s*ab-everybody-in-the-back-

with-a-great-big-smile-
on-his-face" himself!

Also known as Douglas Yancy Funnie!

Oh, man!

[Doug] Whatever I did,
I was in trouble big time.

Oh, hey, Patti. It's weird. Everybody's
using my middle name

and acting like I did something terrible.

Why'd you say all those awful things,
Doug?

What things? Huh?

And I thought we were gonna go together!

Huh?

"All that bubbling gas reminded me

of one of Mayor Dink's speeches.

The chewed-up food looked like something

they'd make at a rotten recycling center,

and that big blob of bile
looked just like Mr. Bone"?

And the quote came from Weekly Beebe
reporter Douglas Yancy Funnie!

Ouch! I'm glad I didn't say
that dumb stuff.

But you did! While you were wearing

a press pass with my name written on it!

Oh, yeah. I forgot the guy I was sittin'
next to was a reporter.

Huh. Guess they saw your name
and thought I was you.

-Whoops.
-Patti thinks I went without her,

and everybody's mad at me.

You gotta tell them it was you, not me.

Great idea, Funnie. Tell
everybody you let me use your press pass.

I'll just get detention, but they'll take
your pass away,

and you won't get to go
to the movie at all.

[Doug] He was right. If I told the truth,

everyone would know
I broke my sacred trust.

But if I didn't, everyone would hate me.

Who could I turn to for advice?

[man's echoing voice] Quailman-- Half man,
half quail, all hero.

Would you stand still? Would ya?!

His quail ability to bob and dart
confounds the evil Dr. Rubbersuit.

Ha ha!

Jump away!

Huh?

Aah!

[crash]

Foiled you again, Dr. Rubbersuit.

When will you learn that evil ways

never pay off in the end?

Whatever.

Owwwww!

[narrator] Later, at the lab
of Al Ka-brain and Moo Ka-brain,

brilliant research criminologists
and inventors...

No matter how many times I stop him,

Rubbersuit keeps bouncing back.

That's because he always has the latest

in ingenious criminal gadgets.

These are just a few of the many that
we seized from him.

Wow! Where does he keep it all in that
tight rubber suit?

[both] Pockets.

These devices are designed
by a brilliant mind.

And that hardly describes Rubbersuit.

Then he must get them from
a fiendish mastermind.

If I could capture this evil gadget maker,

it would end the thr*at
of Dr. Rubbersuit forever.

We were hoping you'd say that because...

...we have a plan.

I've hooked you up to our
genetic structure alteration platform

in order to alter your molecules

and turn you into an exact duplicate
of Dr. Rubbersuit.

This technology is so up-to-the minute

that it's nearly impossible.

Fasten your seat belts, please.

And once I take Rubbersuit's place,

I'll infiltrate the underworld

and discover who designs his evil devices.

Correct. Correct. Will this sting?

Uh... A little.

[both] OK!

[both straining]

Unhhh!

Euhhh... unhh!

Did it sting?

Ow. Ooch! Ow! Ooh! A lot!

Hey... I sound funny.

I sound like Dr. Rubbersuit!

And I look like him, too!

[thinking] I've become my own worst enemy!

And it's itchy.

Here are some things you'll need
on your mission.

Your map of the underworld.

A copy of The Underworld on $5 a day.

And your Underworld Supermarket
savings club card.

And most importantly, no one can know

that you are actually Quailman.

Why, naturally.

Let me just call Quaildog and tell him--

[both] No one.

But he's Quaildog.
He's trustworthy and true.

If he knew, all it would take

was one scan by a mutant
with brain scan ability,

and your elaborate cover would be blown.

Never discount the brain-scanning mutant-
mind-reader scenario.

You're right. I always forget that.

Well, luckily, my dog's a superhero.

He feeds and walks himself.

Don't worry, Quailman.
Nothing can go wrong

as long as the real Dr. Rubbersuit is
safely behind bars.

[narrator] Meanwhile, back at the jail,

the real Dr. Rubbersuit is lathering up
a plan of his own.

Those fools thought I just wanted

extra butter with my dinner.

But it was really to prepare
for a slick escape

by slipping between the bars.

[rubber squeaking]

Ah!

I'm free! Ha ha ha ha ha!

[narrator] And so,
disguised as the evil Dr. Rubbersuit,

Quailman sets out to discover who supplied
the real Dr. Rubbersuit

with all his diabolical gadgets.

First stop-- Badwygg's underworld luau.

Dr. Rubbersuit?

Where?!

I must remember

that I am now an exact duplicate
of Dr. Rubbersuit.

Heh heh. I never get tired of that joke.

The gadget maker says he'll meet you

there.

He'll meet me on that piece of paper?

No. At the place written on it.

Ah. Even better. More room to talk.

Soon I'll meet the gadget maker.

This mission is going
to be a whole lot easier than I thought.

[narrator] But this time,
Quailman is wrong,

for the real Dr. Rubbersuit
has escaped from prison

with the early shift
of vicious guard dogs.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Luckily, vicious guard dogs love butter.

Soon I'll be at my destination.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hey, watch it.

Aha! The lab of Al Ka-brain
and Moo Ka-brain!

Now to retrieve all the precious
high-tech gadgets

they seized from me

and continue my life of crime.

Ah!

[narrator] As they always do,

our cerebral scientists
record their day's work for posterity.

Video diary entry 36-12.

Today we successfully turned Quailman

into an exact duplicate of Rubbersuit.

What?! They turned Quailman into me?

-Quailman?
-Where?!

You've returned!

They think I'm Quailman.

Chewy kookabunga!

This gives me an idea that's pure evil.

Did you discover Rubbersuit's
gadget maker?

Sure. I'll tell you later.

Turn me back into Quailman.

This rubber suit is itchy.

Euhhh...

Unhh!

Ha! I'm really him.

Whoa!

My brain is all, like... tingly.

[chuckles]

I thought this belt was goofy, but...

I kinda like it.

So tell us. Who is the gadget maker?

Um, I'm needed urgently
to, uh, battle evil or... something.

Better get going. Don't want
to miss my bus.

Your bus? But you can fly!

I can?

Of course I can.

I was simply trying

to support my local
mass transit authority.

Uh... bye.

Yay, Quailman!

I'm Quailman, and people love me.

I've never been loved before.

I like it.

And it'll be easier to be pure evil.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Right on time. In a few seconds,

I'll know the identity
of the gadget maker.

Couldn't be a more perfect night.

Ah, Quailman's on patrol,
and all is right with the world.

Huh?

Quailman?

Wait, gadget maker!

Don't run away!

There's nothing to fear from Quailman.

Come back! Oh...

Good thing I read the instructions
on this baby.

Cool.

Where is he?

[thinking] It is me.

I mean not me.

I'd better get to Ka-brain Labs.

Fly away!

Ow!

Right. Dr. Rubbersuit can't fly.

Dr. Ka-brain!

It's Dr. Rubbersuit!

Where?!

No. I'm not Dr. Rubbersuit.

I'm Quailman!

[both] 911!

I heard on the news that Rubbersuit
escaped.

I came to warn you.

Hey, there he is now!

He's not Quailman. I am!

Call Quaildog. Get him
to ask us trivia questions.

Stand back while I punch his lights out.

Huh? Quailman does not punch lights out.

He tries to teach evildoers a better way.

Only Dr. Rubbersuit would know that.

Hmm?

No one will believe that I'm not
really Dr. Rubbersuit.

I must think fast.

Look! A laundry bleach
that really whitens.

Huh?

Rubbersuit's brilliant escape plan
was flawlessly ex*cuted,

but Quailman has vowed he won't rest

until the villain is captured. Huh?

That's right.

But he's too dangerous for regular jail.

One blast from this deep-space
porta-transporter,

and he'll be projected
out past the planet Pluto.

Great. Before I can explain
who I really am,

I'll be projected out past
the planet Pluto.

[arf]

Quaildog, it's me.

You know me.

Let me explain.

[arf]

A deep-space porta-transporter! Aah!

My own dog doesn't know me.

I have no one to turn to.

No, wait.

There is one person who can help me.

[ruff arf]

The gadget maker will meet you...

There!

On a cocktail napkin?

No, at the place written on it.

You're not a very fast learner, are you?

Ah.

I can't believe I'm going
to the gadget maker for help.

And I still haven't seen his face.

Huh?!

Klotzilla?

You? You're the brilliant inventor?

Aarrrgh-uh-huh.

It's always the quiet green ones.

I need you to invent a way
to turn me back into--

I mean, turn me into Quailman.

-Hahh...
-Money?

Well, I--I don't have any money.

Uh, but I can teach you
pure goodness, speed,

and the power of the qua--
I mean, the rubbersuit.

Urrh!

Uh, I can teach you to rumba,

and I know a lot of
great knock-knock jokes.

Mm-hmm. Hmm.

OK, ready?

Knock, knock.

Urrh rayr?

["Mad Scientist" music plays]

♪ Ah-hahh ♪

Grrrr... unh!

Urrh...

[narrator] But as the days pass,

the lizard wizard fails to duplicate
the Ka-brains' brilliant invention,

although he does master the rumba.

Arrh!

And finally, in a jealous rage

against the Ka-brains'
success and his failure,

a hideous tantrum ensues,

and a monstrous plan is hatched.

The evil rubbersuit...

-[telephone rings]
-...has not been seen in a week.

Newsroom.

You're who?
Where?

-Rahhr!
-You must warn Dr. Ka-brain

and his partner Dr. Ka-brain.

Someone told you what?

I find it hard to believe that Klotzilla
would destroy our lab

just because we invented
a genetic alteration thingy.

And we're better looking.

Hmm. Now that you mention it,
you are better looking than Klotzilla.

-[both] Thank you. Uh-oh.
-Huh?

Rahhhrrr!

OK, I believe it.

Evacuate!

Rahhhrrr!

If I must be trapped in an evil body,

at least I can use it
to prevent destruction.

Klotzilla, let's go back.

I bet they're not even home.

Shouldn't you call
before you just drop in?

See? Empty.

What's the point?

I'm face to face with Klotzilla.

What's she doing in there?

Rahhhrrr!

Aah!

Wait! Don't smash it!

Not with her in there.

Rahhhrrr!

Must... pull... ripcord.

Unh! Oof! Ahh! Eee!

Well, this itchy rubber suit
finally came in handy.

Oh, no.

Your foot. Hold on a minute.

There's something in your foot.

I knew I felt pliers in there.

Unh! There!

No wonder you're so ornery.

You had a thorn in your foot.

Hmm...

Now, isn't that better?

I'll bet the reason
you couldn't figure out that invention

was because the thorn
was hurting you so much.

Uh-huh.

The thr*at is over.

The city's been saved by
the evil Dr. Rubbersuit.

Unbelievable!

You helped that poor bloodthirsty monster.

You don't seem so evil, Dr. Rubbersuit.

Well, you know, I...

I see real goodness in your eyes.

Has something... changed?

Finally! Someone willing to listen.

-Freeze, villain!
-Huh?

Prepare to be transported beyond Pluto!

No! Don't! You'll transport her, too.

Who cares about girlie-girl
as long as I get you?

[gasps] Quailman, how could you?

Kiss Planet Earth good-bye forever.

Huh?

Uh... uh...

Hey, what'd you do?

Klotzilla disabled the deep-space
porta-transporter.

He's a gifted inventor, you know.

Turn it back on, ya big ugly lizard! Aagh!

Wait. Don't hurt him.

We won't. We've been watching
your broadcast

on this mini-TV.

It's all clear now--

Your kindness to Klotzilla,

your heroism toward this attractive
reporter...

The telltale millet stains
around your chin.

Your actions reveal

your true nature to the world, Quailman.

You're really Quailman?!

Of course! I knew there was pure goodness
under that rubber suit.

This portable genetic structure
alteration device

will fix everything.

I'm me again!

Man, that thing stings.

Aah!

Heh heh heh.

Hope you didn't take that "ugly" remark
seriously.

Grrrr.

Actually, you were-- I mean, you're
a very handsome guy.

Oh! Ow! Ow!

Hey! Stop it!

Ooh! Ow-ooh-ow!

Ooh! Double dribble!

Ow! Dribble dribble!

I'm telling!

[Doug thinking] Suddenly it hit me
that a person is defined by what they do,

not by what they say.

And now I knew what I had to do.

It wasn't easy. When I told him the truth,
Guy was pretty upset.

Doug! How could you?!

A press pass is a sacred trust,

a moral oath, a big ka-blooey!

And you gave it to Roger Klotz?!

Uh, yeah.

Who knows how long it'll take me

to get over this horrid betrayal?

OK. I'm over it.

You know the price.

You forfeit your press pass
privileges permanently.

Pow!

I had to go and admit
what I'd done to everyone.

They were all glad I didn't
say that dumb stuff,

but they were disappointed in me, too.

But why in the world would you let Roger
use your press pass?

I don't get it.

Well, I-- he--he was gonna--

I... I really don't wanna talk about it.

OK. [grunts]

You can still use your press pass

and get into tonight's preview without me.

It doesn't sound like much fun,

passing through the human digestive
tract by myself.

So you can wait till it opens
in the theater

to watch a Swirly's chiliburger
dissolve right in front of your face?

Sure. But all this talk
is making me hungry.

Me, too.

Let's go to Swirly's.

[Doug] You know, journal,

giving that pass to Roger was pretty dumb.

I just ended up disappointing
my friends and myself.

I guess that's what happens
when you do the wrong thing.

Oh, well, maybe we weren't
riding in a limo,

but at least I was walking with Patti.

And you know what?

That was just perfect with me.

[theme music playing]