01x02 - Dinner With Darwin

[bunniefuu]

This is me, eliza thornberry.

Part of your average family.

I got a dad, a mom, and a sister.

There is donnie-- we found him.

And darwin? He found us.

[Jabbering]

Oh, yeah, about our house-- it moves.

'Cause we travel all over the world.

You see, my dad hosts this nature show

And my mom sh**t it.

Okay, so we're not that average.

[Panting]

And between you and me

Something amazing happened...

And now I can talk to animals.

It's really cool

But totally secret.

And you know what?

Life's never been the same.

[Captioning sponsored by the u.s. Department of education

And nickelodeon]

[Buzzing]

[Screeching]

[Cawing]

[Panting]

Okay, we'll do rock, scissors, paper.

If I win, we keep going

And if you win, we head back to camp.

Deal.

Okay, one, two, three.

Scissors cuts paper.

I win.

Eliza, wait.

It's not paper, it's a, it's a flat rock.

Eliza!

[Squeals]

[Jabbering]

[Sighs]

[Knuckles cracking]

I need a new look.

Hey, wade, what do you think?

[Excited yelps]

Can you say "hipster"?

[Jabbering]

Debbie, we're home.

Let me spring this on mom.

[Chattering]

Next time, nigel

When I want a close-up, stay put.

Don't run toward the camera.

Right.

I'll get some ice.

Ow.

I don't want to alarm you, dearest

But I'm afraid I've lost the sight in my eye.

Move your hand, nigel.

What a woman.

[Gasps]

Oh!

[Gasps]

[Stammering]

Marianne!

Darwin, look.

Let's climb to the top, darwin.

Ooh, look, darwin, a cliff.

Let's climb it.

Ooh, there's a lion.

Let's go see if he's hungry.

Can't we just sit around for once?

Ow!

[Gasps]

[Shrieks]

[Sputtering]

Eliza, come see what I've got.

That was cool.

Eliza, wait.

Look at this rock.

Yeah, sure.

Tha-that's great, darwin.

Yes, it is.

I mean, look at it.

Eliza!

You've got to see this.

Eliza: look out below!

[Shrieks]

My rock.

This way, nigel.

Careful, marianne.

We don't know anything about this boy or his tribe.

Better we move as quietly as possible.

[Grunts]

Nigel?

Sorry. Tripped on this rock.

That's not a rock, nigel.

Look how it's been sharpened.

Heavens, marianne, you're right.

It's some sort of primitive tool.

You think that's something?

Take a look at this.

Oh, my goodness.

Do you remember the ancient tribe

That was discovered in the philippines?

The tasaday.

They lived so deep in the jungle

That they'd never had contact with anyone.

Their culture was completely unspoiled by civilization.

Could they be?

Do you think?

Oh, nigel, let's film them.

What was that for?

We mustn't disturb them.

Even our being this close

Puts their entire civilization in danger.

But the foundation--

This would make an incredible show.

But these people have never seen anything

Like your camera, or this smashing safari jacket.

If they were to know such things existed

Who knows how it would affect their life?

You're right.

Yes, it's a lovely jacket, isn't it?

[Eliza laughing]

Woo-hoo!

Yeehoo!

[Laughing]

[Splash]

Come on, darwin.

Aren't you coming in?

No. I am looking for my rock.

Did you have a rock?

I did until you made me drop it.

So, you'd rather look for a rock than dive?

Boy, for a chimpanzee

You've got no sense of adventure.

[Inhales deeply]

When I lived in the congo

Every single day was an adventure.

Just because I wanted you to look at a rock

Doesn't mean I'm not the king of adventure.

Come on, darwin.

Don't give me that.

You won't even climb ten feet.

You're less like an animal

Than any animal I've ever met.

I resent that.

You've been with people so long

You've lost your animal instincts.

I have not.

I am a wild animal-- fearless, untamed, uh...

Please. You're a crybaby in a t*nk top.

You wouldn't last a day in the jungle.

That's right-- go back to camp.

It's nice and dry at camp.

I'm not going back to your human camp.

I'm going into the jungle, my natural habitat.

And do what?

Secret chimpanzee things.

Darwin, geez.

"Darwin" yourself.

I will thank you to refer to me

By my chimpanzee name.

[Screeching]

[Sighs]

Do you realize that I don't have anything black?

Where's donnie?

He was under there last time I checked.

There you are!

[Jabbering]

Can you believe I own absolutely nothing cool?

You'd like to climb a big rock

And jump into a pool, wouldn't you, donnie?

[Jabbering]

I knew you would.

Donnie and I are going

Into the jungle.

I don't care.

The jungle, you, donnie... It's all pointless.

Cool!

[Happy shriek]

[Yelps]

[Donnie jabbering]

[Muttering]

[Slurping]

Mmm...

[Screams]

[Donnie shouting]

[Jabbering]

Come on!

Okay, donnie

On the count of three.

Wah!

Donnie!

[Jabbering]

[Jabbering]

[Yelps]

[Sputtering]

Look out below!

What a rush.

[Jabbering]

Debbie!

You'll never guess

What your mother and I discovered

In the rain forest.

Loneliness, emptiness, futility.

Goodness, no, dear.

We found a stone-aged tribe.

That your father won't let us get near.

Oh, isn't there something we could do, dear?

I know.

We must disrobe completely.

Then, if we just carve our impressions

Of the tribe in stone, we shall be just fine.

Can't we just sh**t

From the bushes we were in this morning?

No one would see us or smell us or anything.

And we could keep our clothes on.

All right.

[Panting]

What do you think?

Ready to head back to camp?

[Yelps]

No, donnie, we've jumped, like, a million times.

Aren't you getting hungry?

Come on, donnie.

Come on, come on, that's enough.

Donnie!

Wee-ooh!

It's not funny, donnie.

I fell on something sharp.

[Jabbering]

Wow, this is what darwin was trying to show me.

He wasn't kidding.

Wow, donnie, look.

It makes rainbows.

Debbie, is something wrong?

I am too dark and brooding to answer that question.

Did your sister say when she'd be back?

What does it matter?

[Jabbering]

Mom, have you seen darwin?

He's not here.

Wasn't he with you?

He was.

I... I thought he would have come back by now.

Goodness, is darwin lost?

No. I'm sure he'll be back when he smells dinner.

[Growling]

[Stomach growling]

[Slurping]

Darwin!

[Chattering]

Eliza, honey, dinner.

Eliza?

No, thanks, mom.

I'm not very hungry.

[Jabbering]

Another dinner, another day

Another meaningless moment in this pantomime we call...

Burgers?

[Laughs]

This is so cool.

We never get hamburgers.

Marianne: actually, debbie, these are capybara burgers.

"Capybara"?

Yes. There's one now.

Nigel: it's an enormous amphibious rat.

[Loud gulp]

Nigel, I'm not sure "rat"

Was the best choice of words.

No, perhaps not.

Dad, darwin is coming back, isn't he?

I don't expect he likes it much

In the amazon.

Not that it's terribly different

From the african interior

But, I mean, who could stay away

From these smashing capybara burgers?

[Retches]

Darling, darwin's going to be fine.

He'll probably be back by morning.

Probably not.

Morning?

I'm sure something will have eaten him by then.

"Eaten"?

Nigel!

Oh, blast.

Did I say "eaten"?

I meant"fine."

I'm sure he'll befine.

He will befine.

Chimpanzees know lots of ways to survive through the night.

Even as we speak, darwin's probably building himself

A perfectly smashing little nest high in a tree

And, um, and well out of harm's way.

Do you think so?

Well, actually...

[Clears throat]

Absolutely.

[Groaning]

[Creaking]

[Screaming]

[Moaning]

[Stomach growling]

[Growling]

[Thunderclap]

[Growling]

[Screeching]

[Whimpering]

[Growling]

[Chattering, smacking lips]

Ah...

[Burps]

[Birds singing...]

Darwin, darwin!

Where are you?

Something must have happened to him.

[Snoring]

[Screeching]

Darwin, darwin!

[Wild shriek]

[Jabbering]

Donnie.

You scared me.

[Jabbering]

No.please, donnie, I don't have time to play.

I'm looking for darwin.

[Excited jabbering]

Let go of me.

[Excited jabbering]

Donnie, I don't have time to...

Darwin!

[Gasps]

[Sarcastically]: king of adventure.

[Gulps, burps]

Hmm...

[Gulps, burps]

Come on, donnie.

Darwin doesn't need me anymore.

Ow!

[Grunts]

[Panting]

[Shrieking]

[Whimpering]

[Shrieking]

[Shrieking]

[Grunts]

Okeydokey, smoky.

So what do you say we get rolling?

Come on, girls.

Saddle up.

[Laughing]

You should see this village.

Mom, I'm going to stay here

And dye my hair black.

I'm going to dye all my shirts black, too.

Really? Be that as it may, we should get going.

Eliza, ready?

I'm not going.

You're upset about darwin's leaving

But it would do you good to get out.

Don't you want to see the stone age village?

Both: no.

Oh, come on, guys.

What's the point, mom

When you can't trust anyone?

Why go anywhere

When ultimately we're alone?

What she said.

It'll be fun.

No, it won't.

You guys should go.

What are you going to do, make us?

They seem to be a peaceful people.

And it appears they are building a fire under a pot

In preparation for a communal meal.

This is so uncool.

Shh, you've got a beret.

What more do you want?

All new clothes and a bongo drum.

And I want to be allowed to drink coffee.

They are carrying an animal in a cage.

I assume it's their meal.

It's a monkey...

No, wait, it's a chimpanzee. [Gasps]

That's no chimpanzee.

That's darwin!

Darwin!

Eliza!

[Grunts]

Nigel!

[Grunts]

Oh, man, come on, donnie.

[Excited jabbering]

Not to worry, I'm perfectly...

[Grunts]

Fine.

[Moaning]

[Whimpering]

[Screaming]

Darwin!

Eliza, you saved me-- thank you.

I'm sorry, darwin.

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.

Whoa! I'm sorry I didn't grab that branch.

Both: uh-oh.

[Both wailing]: oh!

Gangway!

[Grunts]

Have you gained weight?

Me? No.

[Both wailing]

[Loud thump]

Hi.

Chief, we, um, uh, we regret, uh...

Feel much sorry, you see

For any inconvenience...

I mean, for absconding with...

I mean.... Takey away your, um...

[Whooping][woman giggles]

Monkey meal.

No sweat.

Easy come, easy go.

You, you speaky, I mean, you speak english?

Of course.

You want to borrow my language tapes?

Sounds like you need to practice.

Tapes? You have...

[Phone rings]

Hey, I'm glad you called.

No, we're not having the chimp for dinner.

Could you stop by that place in manaus

And pick up some steaks?

[Babbling]

Mom, guess what?

Tigo has his own website.

You're online?

Sure, who isn't?

Come on, get with the st century.

I'm sorry, I just thought...

I mean, looking at you...

I expected you to be a bit more primitive.

Primitive?

[Laughing]: oh, sure.

We like primitive-- it'snice.

We've lived that way for centuries.

Buying c.d.s and a laptop

Isn't going to change that.

Debbie:cool.

Isn't it cool?

I thought you were wearing only black from now on?

Black?

[Disgusted]: no.

Okay, if I win, we keep going.

If you win, we head back to camp.

Deal.

One, two, three.

Paper covers rock.

I win.

Why did I go with rock?

Come on, darwin.

You thought this was a rock?

[Chuckling]

Anyone can see that it's a...

A scissor ball.

Debbie: loneliness, emptiness, futility.