03x03 - Clarksville

[bunniefuu]

[narrator] Previously on Girls5eva:

-Do it, bitch.
-[tense music playing]

-[grunts]
-[narrator] No. No. Uh, too far back.

Maryland.

[narrator] There you go. Good job.

[lilting music playing]

Maryland.

The site of my hardscrabble youth.

-Are we staying with your parents?
-Oh, no, no, no.

My mother's in a home now,
and my father's not in the picture.

-Oh.
-Percy, film this!

-No! You just have to focus on driving!
-Put your phone down!

I don't know if any of you saw
Access Hollywood on September 24, 2005...

-Wilmer Valderrama got his braces off.
-Well,

when my fragrance, Thrust,
was purchased by Terminix,

I bought my mother a house.

Mama, I got you a house.

Oh, honey, thank you, but I don't...

♪ This is your day, Mama ♪

♪ And I don't want or need a "thank you" ♪

♪ This is about you ♪

Wow! That is so generous of you, Wickie.

I only wish I could've done more.

Like I said in the song "Daughter Hero"
from my album Yesternights...

♪ Not all daughters wear ♪

♪ Capes ♪

Sorry.

Okay. We do need a place to crash
and figure stuff out.

We have zero gigs till Radio City.

We lost all our momentum.

How the hell
are we gonna sell 6000 tickets?

I think the only option
is figuring out a way

that we can buy ourselves
out of the contract.

-Mm-hm.
-No, we are not bailing on the show.

Yeah, Gloria.

What are you doing?

Who's driving?!

-My watch said to move.
-[dramatic music playing]

[screaming]

-[tires screech]
-[horn honks]

["Famous 5eva" playing]

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva
'Cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ It's too short ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 3-gether
'Cause that's one more than 2-gether ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva
'Cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ So, what are you waiting five? ♪

♪ Girls5eva ♪

[lilting music playing]

[Summer grunts]

-Oh, my God.
-[Gloria groans]

-[yawns]
-Ah, my tits are asleep.

I'm so tired.

Percy, film this. I feel tears coming on.

Is there anything sadder
than an empty house?

Getting catfished by an octopus
whose t*nk is next to a computer?

Rhetorical.

Okay, you guys, look,

I know Wickie doesn't wanna hear it,
but Gloria's right.

We should find a way
to buy out our contract.

I guess I could get in touch
with Lance Bass

and see if he'd let me
sell our old sex tape.

[young Gloria] Ooh. Try to find me.

I want your flat body and tan dangler.

[Lance] Nuh-uh.

You find me.

I'm hiding.

[young Gloria] This is so hot.

-Two hiders. Unh!
-[Lance] So hot.

Or I could maybe write
something commercial.

Like a Christmas song?

There's never been a bad one.

Or one about Mrs. Claus.

-Oh. Feminist.
-Yeah.

♪ She's baking pies by candlelight ♪

♪ And Santa, he'll be gone all night ♪

♪ I know I'm just a tiny elf ♪

♪ But I can keep you warm all by myself ♪

♪ I can love you like he won't, baby ♪

What are you doing?

-I don't know. I'm all hormones.
-Well, I'm already ahead of you

because in the van I Googled,
"make money fast," "who am I?",

"needs validation,"

and I found
this incredible business opportunity

to be your own girlboss.

I'm gonna be a "She-E-O."

-Of what?
-Selling tooth-whitening gummies.

-Summer, that sounds like a multi-level...
-Marketing scam?

They said that you'd say that.
Impressive, right?

[automated voice] Recipient found.

Dropping in three, two...

[Summer] Oh, the gummies are here!

How did you know the address?

I didn't. The app tracks me.

Oh, boy.

This seems like a scam.

Um, ha. No.

Would a woman scam another woman?

Mm! Stacy is all about female empowerment.

[Gloria] Mm.

[serene music playing on video]

What's different about Tooth Smartz?

Well, first of all, there's no founder
to have sex with. It's not like that.

Ladies, we are building a confidence army.

Because studies show that...

-Who's the guy in the back?
-That Stacy's boyfriend, the Exalted Kyle.

[whimsical music playing]

[Dawn] You ever think about...

selling the place?

We could use the money.
Or, at the very least,

my brother owns a company
that melts toilets for porcelain.

I'd sell, but Mama still thinks
she's gonna come back here someday.

[Summer & Gloria] Oh.

Breaks my heart.

What the d*ck? Mom?

Language, Lesley.

I thought I heard voices.

Oh! Oh, my goodness!

It's the Girls5eva.

And their friend Percy.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Did you wander off, Mrs. Wiggens?

-Do you know where you are?
-Please shut up, Dawn.

Honestly, what have you been
telling people about me now?

We don't live here.

We still live in the house
Lesley grew up in over in Clarksville.

Clarksville?

That's the home of the champion
dressage horse Plantain Conchita.

That place is noice.

-Is that Lee-Lee?
-[gentle, lilting music playing]

Oh, my God!

Daddy!

What are you two doing here?

Oh, we come out every couple of weeks
to keep the place looking nice.

We don't wanna hurt
folks' property values.

[Carmen]
Honestly, we would love to sell it,

-but it's a little close to the Army base!
-[helicopter roaring]

You girls can't stay here
with all this noise!

And this town
has competing serial K*llers.

-[cheerful music playing]
-Make yourselves at home, girls.

Yes. Now, Lesley,
you can be in your old bedroom.

We haven't changed a thing.

Summer, do you not have a bag?

Oh, no, I b*rned all my clothes.

Well, I have some old suits
in the guest-room closet.

I'm a lawyer.

They may not suit your style,
but help yourself.

Oh, no, that's perfect, because I'm about
to be a slutting-edge "She-E-O."

Sure, why not?

We are so happy for you girls.

Lesley has been telling us
on the family Zooms

all about Fort Worth
and about getting booked at Radio City.

And I wanna hear more about this chef
that you're dating.

-[Wickie] Oh.
-Ah...

[Summer laughs]

[whispers] What is going on?
Why did you lie?

[whispers] Please. I let my parents know
what they need to know.

-The good stuff.
-No.

You lied to us, Wickie.

You said your mother was in a home
and your dad was out of the picture.

-Well, is this not a home?
-[lilting music playing]

And do you see my dad
in any of these pictures?

No, because he's always
the one taking them.

He's a shutterbug.

Find the lie, Dawn.

You said that most years
there was no Christmas in your house.

We usually spent Christmas
at our timeshare in Aruba.

What about your siblings?

The twins that were always
in and out of the hospital.

Grace and Derek are both oncologists.
I could do this all day.

Your family lived in a van in high school.

For ten days. It's the best way
to see New Zealand.

You never knew
where your next meal was coming from.

-We could never agree on takeout.
-Your dog got sh*t.

-With vaccines.
-And your aunt who rode the white horse?

Perhaps you've heard of Plantain Conchita?

-[gasps]
-Whatever.

All this talk
about your "hardscrabble life"

is bullshit.

Is it?

My family is very good at Scrabble.

It's hard. Look at the board!

All those hooks and extensions?

Hard Scrabble.

I don't get who this is for.

So you bought your mom a house
so you could, what?

Look like a big sh*t on TV?

It's showbiz 101, Dawn.

Access Hollywood doesn't do
a story about this.

You think my childhood in Clarksville
is gonna inspire a biopic?

Where's the drama?

Me not wanting to wear my retainer,
but then wearing it?

You're no Shania Twain.

Look it up. She's a hero.

All I did was create
a more intriguing narrative

without technically lying.

You're mom's a lawyer.

-You said she dropped out.
-I never said of what. It's airplanes!

[lively music playing]

At the Air Force Academy.

In Colorado Springs, Colorado.

Careful, sweetie.

So sorry.

Yeah, it's not a toy.

She's a Bristol sloop.

The real thing is going to be
my retirement gift to myself.

Oh, do you need any boat names?

Pier Pressure. Fish Better Have My Money.

Marlin Wayans.

David Harbour. Drain "The Dock" Johnson.

-Thank you, Gloria. Those are great.
-Billy Ocean.

[whimsical music playing]

I'm a girlboss.

Buy. Sell.

There's cake in the break room
for Sharon's birthday.

You hear about Paul? Happened at his desk.
There was blood everywhere.

Your teeth, they're gorgeous!

[gasps] They are?

I'm still confident it's a Ponzi scheme,
but that product works.

I look Facetune'd.

[cell phone chiming]

Oh! [laughs]

See? This is the benefit of having
the Tooth Smartz app track me.

Regional icebreakers
to help me close the "sheal."

Is "sheal" the female version of "deal"?
That doesn't work.

"Boy, Maryland's recreational-crabbing
license fees sure are high this year."

You got that right.

Oh! Should the Wiggenses be my first sale?
They've got money.

No, do not bother our hosts
with that crap.

You're being a suppressive entity.

My sales literature says

that I need to cut people like you
out of my life permanently.

Bye.

[whimsical music playing]

-[laughing]
-So we're in midair

on a flight to Scottsdale,

when little Lesley
spots Tommy Mottola in first class.

[Carmen] The record producer.

So she tells the flight attendant
she desperately wants pilot wings.

She gets into the cockpit,

locks the pilot out.

♪ Finally, it's happening to me ♪

[man] Young lady, open the door!

♪ Right in front of my face ♪

Right now!

♪ My feelings cannot hide it ♪

[in unison]
And it wasn't even Tommy Mottola!

It's a good thing I married a lawyer.

God love her,
but Lesley used to take some big swings.

Oh, she still does.

So you guys always would come in
and bail her out?

Well, she's our daughter.

Remember the time she got ahold
of one of my credit cards

and bought all of those billboards on 95?

[lilting music playing]

[Carmen & Dana laughing]

We had to buy out
the whole three-year contract.

[Dawn] Oh, my God.

[laughing]

Laugh it up.

Wickie's just a real Sebastian Maniscalco.

Oh, come on, honey. We're just having fun.

-You know we always support you.
-Maybe that's the problem.

What is?

All of this wonderful support.

-Do you know how diamonds are formed?
-I know that pearls are oysters' babies.

Pressure. Not this.

This is how you make nobodies
like Derek and Grace.

Your brother and sister
have done very well.

They're both doctors.

Do you know how many doctors there are
in this country?

Name one you've ever heard of.

Your brother.

[gasps] Ooh! Also your sister.

-Dr. Bev, host of Critter Mouth.
-[Percy] Love that show.

Really, I don't understand
what you're saying we did wrong.

You coddled me.

Why couldn't you be
one of those sick pageant parents

that live your shattered dreams
through me?

No, you're the kind of parents
that just let you up and quit tap?

Now look!

[Wickie grunting]

Oh! Oh!

-That's pretty good.
-Exactly.

Pretty good. [spits]

Little Lesley never stood a chance
being raised by you two.

-Who's Lesley?
-I don't know. Shh.

That's why I'm still a lump of coal
trapped in a van

with some dentist, two moms,
and whatever Percy is.

Well, the medical term...

[groans] I wish I'd never been born
upper middle class!

-[lilting music playing]
-[Wickie sobbing]

-[screams] This is so beautiful!
-[music fades]

[door opens, then slams]

Mr. and Mrs. Wiggens,

is now a good time to hear about

a revolutionary
new teeth-blanching system?

There's been a car accident.
Can I use your phone?

Wait, I'm sorry.
I'm already in the house. Hold on.

I just have to skip forward a little bit.

But don't take my word for it.

Take it from somebody
whose opinion is totally objective.

Uh, the Exalted Kyle.

Okay, and now I'm just gonna do
a little AirPlay thing. Okay.

-Do you know which input I need to use?
-Oh, uh...

Now, hang on.

Grace, uh, set all this up.
I could call her.

Do you need this password?

Oh, okay, look, there it is.
And we got it.

What's up, b*tches? It's your girl-blob.

Oh! Oops. No. That's the wrong video.
This is just me practicing.

-Ignore this. Ignore this part.
-Tooth gummies. You dumb c**t.

-Why won't it stop playing?
-Why can't you do anything right?

[yells] Don't update now! Okay.

What are you?
You're sleeping pills, I guess. Huh?

Oh!

Oh, my God, I...

I'm so sorry.

Just forget it.

No.

No, that was good, Summer.

-Yeah, we'll take the whole box.
-[lilting music playing]

Really?

You wanna join my sales army
of confident b*tches, Mr. Wiggens?

I'd love to.

[laughs] Thank you so much.

[knocking on door]

Don't even think about it.

I brought you a plate.

Thank you.

This is empty.

I ate it all on the way up. Sorry.

Can you believe this coddle-ment?

They kept my bedroom
exactly the way I left it,

including my Lego EGOT.

Hey, so, what's the most amount of money

your parents have ever spent
to bail you out of a jam?

You macaroni rascal.

I am not asking my parents
to bail us out of Radio City.

I know $570,000 is a big ask...

No!

My mother is winding down her practice.

My father is retiring
and buying a sailboat.

[dramatic music playing]

When I was living in L.A.,

I took a job doing background work
on The Goldbergs,

rather than go crying to Mommy and Daddy.

Ever walk through
a Jeff Garlin fart cloud, Dawn?

Well, I would walk through
a billion Garlin farts

before I ask them for money again.

[music fades]

No. I am not letting you off the hook.

But that was so compelling.

Wickie, I love that you take big swings,

but we're screwed and I'm scared.

Do you have a better idea?
I don't wanna have this baby in prison.

Bane was born in prison
and he's friends with Batman.

-Look, I did the math...
-Nerd.

You just made the Bane reference.

Well, I'm pretty sure I got it wrong,
and I think it's spelled with an "I."

Wickie.

-Do you know how much our tickets cost?
-Sixty bucks.

That's before Ticketmaster adds
a service fee, a processing fee,

facilities fee, fee transparency fee.

Entrance fee, exit fee, surcharge fee.

Our tickets actually cost over $500 each.

f*ck.

Even if it wasn't Thanksgiving,
that would be impossible.

-So to quote you...
-Listening.

Please, join me in the real world.

-[sighs]
-[pensive music playing]

-[lilting music playing]
-Oh, honey, that is some hard Scrabble.

Well done.

-Thank you, dear.
-[laughs]

Mommy? Daddy?

Can we talk?

-Lesley, what's wrong?
-Lesley, what's wrong?

-Mm-mm!
-[Gloria] Oh.

-How great are the Wiggenses?
-Mm-hm!

Doesn't it feel
like a weight has been lifted?

-Mm-hm.
-Hey.

I've never seen your mouth closed, ever.

What's going on? Why are you being weird?

-Open it. Come here.
-[pensive music playing]

Come here!

-Open it.
-Mm-mm.

You think a dentist doesn't know
how to open a mouth?

-Titty twister.
-Ow!

[dramatic music playing]

What kind of God would allow this?

[lilting music playing]

Hey.

Good news.

I made some calls,

and the Brown Note in Harrisburg
would love to have us.

Two hundred seats before midnight.

They asked what we want on our rider.
I panicked and yelled "clock radios!"

[poignant music playing]

Hey.

I know asking your parents was hard.

My mom has to take a lucrative case
defending Jeffrey Epstein's ghost.

And this morning,

my dad called his boat guy and said
the eight words every man dreads:

"Sorry, Boat Guy.
I'm not getting the boat."

Oh. We will pay them back.

Eventually.

Look, we're gonna hit it big,
just not before Thanksgiving.

Come on, come on! Let's hit the road.

-I'm staying.
-What?

You know why my parents
never changed this room?

Because I keep coming back.

After Yesternights failed.

After my Hallmark Christmas movie,

Mrs. Claus and Hunky the Elf:
Portrait of Erotica,

was denounced by the pope.

Maybe that's where I got the idea
for that song.

I'm not special enough
to overcome this non-tragic backstory.

My parents aren't the problem.

I am.

[scoffs] Wickie, come on.

Who's Wickie?

I'm just...

Lesley Jenny Wiggens.

Thousands of people can sing like I can.

I'm the same pretty
as, like, hundreds of people.

Dozens. Like, ten people.

So maybe I'll go into...

realty.

My face on a bench.

Teens graffitiing it.

And I'll go, "They did it again, Mike."

Who's Mike?

The contract guy at the office.

And, yes, we f*ck sometimes.

This is my life now, Dawn.

And I deserve it.

So to quote you quoting me:

"Please, join me in the real world,"
while I'm finally in it.

I'm as forgettable as a doctor.

[Wickie sobbing]

[music fades]

[hopeful music playing]

Mr. and Mrs. Wiggens.

Can we talk?

-Dawn, what's wrong?
-Dawn, what's wrong?

-Good Lord!
-[line dialing on cell phone]

Oh, it's the gummies.

They're too effective.

I can't see any red.
It's just white all the way down.

[automated voice] You have reached
the Tooth Smartz customer service line.

Representative!

I think you said,
"Have sex with the Exalted Kyle."

-If this is correct, press one.
-[grunting]

I just wanted to find my thang.

Instead, I turned my whole mouth white.

And possibly everything down to your anus.

[whimpers]

Gloria, I'm useless.

-No.
-Yeah.

-I may as well be food on The Bachelor.
-Hey. Don't say that.

-You made a sale.
-[whimsical music playing]

You're the only one of us
that's actually making money.

I guess that's true.

Thanks.

[Gloria] Oh, God.

Are you not wearing underwear?

I b*rned all my clothes.

-[lively music playing]
-Okay, young lady.

Up and at 'em. We're kicking you out.

-No.
-[grunting]

Your mother and I need this room.

We're turning it into a... Uh...

Sex pit!

Sex pit. Yes.

But I'm your little Lee-Lee.

So? We're not coddling you anymore.

Get out, you... jerk.

Oh, my God. You're doing it.
You're being mean.

Dawn told us you're quitting the group.

Well, I'm not letting you.

I'm a pageant daddy.

So tuck it extra tight
and serve me eleganza.

What kind of pageant
are you looking up, sir?

I certainly hope
this doesn't spur you to greatness.

Some people might say
you're already great.

Not us, though. Or your Aunt Bev,
who saves all your clippings.

As a joke.

'Cause you're a joke.

Get a fork, Carmen,
because you're gonna eat your words!

I don't need either of you or your monies.

Oh, no. Your parents and I agreed
that the bedroom is plenty a motivator.

Wrong as always, Dawn.

I'd rather die than take another cent
from either of them.

[Dana] Wait, so should I call my boat guy

and say the six magical words
that every boat guy wants to hear?

"I'm getting the boat after all"?

Wait, don't be hasty.
Remember, the money we need...

Nope, no half-measures.

We're buying the boat
and naming it David Harbour.

It's clever.

Damn it. That is fun.

The next time you see me,

I'll be presenting at the Grammys!

How have I accomplished anything
with you holding me back?

Don't come back
until you've made something of yourself.

-[Carmen] Except for your father's 70th.
-Yes. We'll see you there.

You'll regret this.

[whispers] Love you. I'll call you
when I get to Harrisburg.

[yells]

Dawn, what is going on?

Wickie was sad,
so I guess Radio City's back on?

It's what? Damn it, Dawn.

-Jesus, your mouth.
-Oh!

[automated voice] Dropping in three, two...

[Summer yells]

No! I forgot to unsubscribe.

-That says, "um, subscribe."
-No.

Ladies! Well, let's go!
Rise and grind, b*tches!

-Percy, honk!
-[horn honks]

Trust me,
this is better than a depressed Wickie.

She said she saw some fun blouses
in the window at Chico's.

-Oh, not Chico's.
-Radio City it is.

[Gloria] Thank you, Mom and Dad. Love you.

[cell phone buzzes]

What now? I don't care about anything.

-Boat Guy, I have six words for you.
-[van engine starts]

[Boat Guy whooping]

[Wickie]
Here we go. Nothing is off the table.

Dictator birthdays,
festivals without toilets,

halftimes at f*cking soccer games.

Drive faster, Percy!

[Percy] I will not.

["Daughter Hero" playing]

♪ You carried me for nine months ♪

♪ Now let me carry you ♪

♪ You had big hopes, big dreams ♪

♪ But luck never shined on you ♪

♪ Spit out by the world ♪

♪ Like gum stuck to a shoe ♪

♪ A forgettable life
No meaning, no pride ♪

♪ You were a diary with nothing inside ♪

♪ But that all changed, thanks to ♪

♪ Daughter hero ♪

♪ Born with a heart
That's a little bigger ♪

♪ Daughter hero ♪

♪ Like if Jesus had a sister ♪

♪ A million bad decisions
Life doesn't feel real ♪

♪ But don't cry, Mama
Let daughter take the wheel ♪

♪ 'Cause you gave me life
Now I'm saving yours ♪

♪ No need to thank me
I'll only do more ♪

♪ Daughter hero ♪

♪ Born with a heart
That's a little bigger ♪

♪ 'Cause not all daughters wear ♪

♪ Capes ♪

[song fades]