[Music]
happy turkey day
hey
i bought the beer
yeah we'll leave it to you mr peters
with the family gathering without a
12-pack of brewmeister huh
i'll put this right next to the carrot
soaked in bourbon
i'm sorry i didn't bring the candy dams
but that was rosa's specialty
all right oh your late wife mr peters
i'm so sorry the holidays must be very
hard for you huh yeah but not as hard as
when i had to pull the plug on rose
oh uh
by the way if anybody asks i was at the
movies that day
okay the party
hi ma hi steven
danny
my favorite grandson
[Music]
here take grandma's coat upstairs and if
you look in the pocket you'll see some
candy right next to the toenail clippers
that's great mom really
rotted teeth and spoilers appetite huh
hello
so uh who's this this is my new
gentleman friend hank winston
hank
this is my son dr
stephen mitchell
well you just call me hank oh and uh
thanks for having me over
comedy is just one of his talents
brewmeister
you mind if i have one help yourself
thank you
you're welcome
you've bought a date what's the matter
with you what
a woman has needs and my needs have to
be attended to regularly oh god will you
stop with that you know you make sex
sound like a trip to the dentist
with your father it was
especially when he'd say helen
don't worry you won't feel a thing
besides i said i was gonna bring a
little something yeah i know but i
thought that meant you were gonna bring
a vegetable
never mind you did and adelaide
she's still wearing that toilet paper
holder on her head
ellen you forgot the spoons enough
already with the spoons i've heard
nothing but the spoon since we got off
the new jersey turnpike
and natalie
remember me
phillip
no
stephen
oh
steven
no time
macaroons today huh
and where is denise your lovely daughter
my
oh no no i i i don't have a daughter i
have i have a son his name is danny hi
happy thanksgiving
you look so very nice
shyster
what's she doing here
you're only supposed to bring fruitcake
on christmas
not her fault a television set fell on
her head
where's my two thousand dollars
that again you looney i paid you back
that money in 1962.
[Applause]
[Music]
you never called
i don't know you
uh sweetheart i i think you forgot to
pay the cabbie oh this isn't a cabbie
this is my date
i'm hank winston and i have a hankering
for turkey i get it
i'm out
get bent
please
what are you doing this is thanksgiving
you don't say get bent to the guests
get them out of here
what are you jealous that's not it at
all we only have food for 10 people now
either you're gonna kick him out or i'm
gonna kick him out hey look dad today is
danny's day please i'm i'm trying to
show that we all can get along together
like a normal family you got to do it
for him hey what's going on your mother
brought a date
oh great lucky i brought enough pie for
the cops
stephen
yeah pam is here in china oh great
thanks very much mr peters now look hey
pop it's not gonna k*ll you to put on a
happy face for one day all right i mean
big deal so your ex-wife is dating again
what's it mean it's not a big thing
look steven it's pam
and she brought a date
[Music]
so you brought a date huh the nerve of
that woman
i said i might bring a friend
yeah but i thought you meant you know
your you know your fat friend shirley
you know the one with you know the lazy
eye
hi
i'm eric
hi eric
merry christmas
he's the brawny towel man
i just love your paper towels
pam can i talk to you for a second
steven can we eat soon i mean my kids
are sizing up aunt adelaide and
you know how slow she runs
oh hi honey oh
look who's here uncle laird
uncle eric hey danny boy
uh danny he's he's not a real huncle
okay
that's right because if he was he
wouldn't sleep over in your mother's
room
mom
he doesn't sleep over oh what if he
leaves at two in the morning it doesn't
count
hey i know once you are upstairs and see
if there's any more candy in your
grandmother's coat huh
hey brewmeister my favorite
so
how do you think uh danny's gonna take
his mother coming with a date huh do you
wanna think he comes from a broken home
or what stephen you date
hey i'm the man you're the mother
i'm the queen of the druids
can i please talk to you in the kitchen
huh what already with the kitchen i just
got here uh
let me let me talk to him in the kitchen
huh no no i don't want to talk to you in
the kitchen we already spoke in the
kitchen i want to talk to the pam in the
kitchen
you'll excuse us it's his medication we
have to keep it refrigerated
you know
it's not the swelling that i mind
it's that painful itching
so your ex-wife's dating too how do you
like it hey this is completely different
than how danny is too young to
understand this
ethan you have guests out there
i'm gonna get out of here i'm trying to
have a discussion with dad huh don't you
yell at me i'm not the one who brought a
date
wait a minute
yes i am
get out of here
i told you not to marry her in the first
place
got
and darling can i get you a drink
stephen
don't worry about this i've been through
all this
uh can i give you some advice
walk tall and never let them know
anything bothers you
and whatever you do never let them see
your sweat
thanks dad and one other thing
give me some men who are scout-hearted
men who will fight for the right they
enjoy
it's not the same without rose i mean
that woman really knew how to rub
ointment on a scar
not too hard and not too soft you know
so danny is there anything else you want
to know about building a skyscraper did
you ever fall off sure just not from the
top
oh please hey danny remember the time i
fell off my chair at the office huh i
had to go to the hospital
make a fool of yourself good plan
ah hey fella
i guess you never saw a blackhead that
big before huh
[Applause]
go away al we're having a moment
i hate to tell you this helen
your moment came and went sometime
around march 1948.
too bad you were out of the room
so tell me hank what do you do when
you're not driving off the road uh so
helen can throw up on her shoes
well actually i'm a retired car salesman
oh really uh
japanese cars right
that would explain your attraction to
godzilla
are you kidding i wouldn't sell foreign
cars you know what country this is
oh
how about a drink hank well maybe later
but i will have a hunk
i mean a hank a cheese
how come your wife never wears that
dress i made for
her and adelaide it was made out of
lunch meat
did she wear it
no she didn't wear it she ate it
she ate a dress
what a cow
near the end i could get rose to moo
like a cow
if i twisted the tubes a certain way
a diaphragm right
i could play misty
you think that was something i sold
three pintos in one day as is
boy al you are a pro i think the best i
ever did was sell a guy a 12-year
extended warranty on a 72-less saber
only i sold it in 86.
[Laughter]
i need a drink
all right here we go cookies for danny
get him all the hearts i know you
shouldn't have him before dinner but hey
you got to spoil your only son am i
right huh
danny stephen he's out in the backyard
he's playing football with eric and
larry and the kids she
will this guy stop at nothing to show me
up in front of my own son hey this guy
wants competition i'm gonna give him
some competition
oh god
you see him too
stephen is playing football yeah why
don't you go out and join them they
could use a good linebacker
[Laughter]
oh my god what happened
uh it's okay things just got you know
the rough
a little rough steven you tackled the
guy he didn't even have the ball what
are you trying to prove
oh god hey eric listen
i'm sorry i hit you so hard you know but
i figured a guy who works out like you
you know wouldn't
go down like a girl you know
i guess i just don't know my own
strength huh
come on
i guarantee it'll work for you give it a
try
hi
i'm glad to b*at you
i'm laughing so hard i'm starting to cry
anybody have a handkerchief
stop it that's al i can take
let's eat damn it
larry where's arlene i haven't seen her
all day uh she's in the bathroom
last night was boys night out so she
didn't get until real late
i i don't think she's feeling too good
that's a plumbing nightmare waiting to
happen
before we start eating i think it would
be nice if we all
said something that we're thankful for
i'll start
i am thankful that i have retained my
girlish figure so i could attract this
beefy hug
you mean this beefy hank
larry what are you thankful for
i'm thankful that i only have 40 more
years to live
i'm thankful to hiking out for getting
my mind off my dead wife
damn
i'd be thankful if i could eat my
tapioca but i don't have a freaking
spoon
[Applause]
i'll be thankful we'll skip all this
crap and start to eat
danny what are you thankful for i'm
thankful uncle eric's okay hey listen
why don't we just like save some time
and skip right to uh
danny why don't you come meet your new
dad huh
doctor my water just broke
excuse me
what's the matter pam got another
boyfriend in the kitchen
hank off helen
i never liked her
she's catholic
chick's a
steven what are you doing out there
don't you know how hard this is for me
oh this is hard for you and what about
me i have to watch you with you know
uncle eric
i i just think it's the right thing for
danny
look as long as we only date people when
danny's at the other house he'll never
learn to deal with the fact that we have
separate lives now
i know
i know
you're right
how did we end up like this
you left me have you forgotten
stephen don't start this again
i'm sorry but i lost you okay and i
guess i'm just afraid i'm going to lose
danny too
hey hey
you'll never lose danny okay
or me
i may not be your wife anymore but i am
still your friend huh
wow
oh wow
you want to sleep with an old friend
no
no no
i'm i'm sorry
really
you want to make out against the wall
no
no i'm sorry really but what about if
you like you know close your eyes and
turn around for a few minutes huh
you're so pathetic
yeah i know i'm really pathetic
but in kind of a sexy way huh
come on let's go rejoin the family while
everyone's still on speaking terms
damn helen how many cranberries you got
stuffed in those cheeks ah go to hell
oh do we have to rejoin this family
goodbye
and uh
hanks for the memories
what a jerk
so will we be seeing him again
when pigs fly out of my bus
i only brought him here to make your
father jealous and he blew it
now i'm gonna have to find somebody else
speaking of which
what do you think of that cute korean
man that works at the mini mart
good-bye mom
and don't forget about aunt adelaide you
know she got about a two and a half
blocks stalling you so you better hurry
up
all right arlene we're coming we're
coming heavy look
i'm sorry about your bathroom steven you
know arlene when she eats turkey hey
don't worry about it sorry really don't
worry about it and goodbye guys and do
you have enough food no
all right stop at wendy's
what's along mr peters
hey listen are you gonna be all right to
ride your bike
my bike i'm walking
this oh that's for when i'm going
downhill real fast
oh listen uh i i'm sorry about the uh
ankle and everything eric oh that's okay
we're gonna say it happened to work so
thanks to you it looks like pam and i
can go on a little paid vacation
well that that's that's great you know
what a french four huh
goodbye steven huh oh yeah oh okay
listen you know i can come over it and
you can pretend that i'm anybody you
want
i feel like i've never done that before
yeah but uh you've never seen me as
kookafran and ollie
good night
oh wow
well danny's all tucked in
so stephen
how does it feel seeing your wife with
another guy
isn't easy is it no no you're right it
isn't
and believe it or not i take comfort
from knowing that you've actually
went through this
i just thank god that this day is over
who are you get out of my house don't
make me k*ll again
[Music]
push me don't let your anger overshadow
the importance of the family today
please hey
don't blame me
blank cheese
[Music]
[Applause]
you don't see it with a broom and a
hi-hat
coming into a lot of money
okay
dinner for 30.
[Laughter]
one of these guys likes to go full out
for the dinner party
for 30.
a lot of mushrooms on the bottom
[Laughter]
flashing
who's growing
uh here's my new buick
put a horn on my ass and drive me around
the highway for a headache
you know i'm off it you know
what is it i don't know what if this is
richard's i'll die
anything he touches you're dead here
mark's getting ready to give somebody an
enema
yeah
remember that when your kid you were too
young for that you used to have big big
hoes mother used to hold it up and you
had a clip they put water in your can so
you know hold it up like this and then
they let the clip go and a lot of water
coming you go no more stop the water no
more soap
all of a sudden your ass would stop the
bubble
and then if you didn't have any money
you pretend you're in hawaii
you're a lonely guy
[Applause]
why can't you walk up to me like a man
instead of creeping up like a blue snake
[Music]
spray me sweetheart so i can look as
pretty as geronimo
[Music]
01x10 - Thanks, But No Thanks
Watch/Buy Amazon
Revolves around Dr. Steven Mitchell, a psychologist who lived in Manhattan with his young son and, despite his constant insults and put downs, his father Al , an obnoxious used car salesman who was recently separated from his wife Helen.
Revolves around Dr. Steven Mitchell, a psychologist who lived in Manhattan with his young son and, despite his constant insults and put downs, his father Al , an obnoxious used car salesman who was recently separated from his wife Helen.