01x04 - Al vs. DMV

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

i'll k*ll her i'll k*ll her

i should have gotten this two months ago

your mother's been throwing my mail in

the trash no no no i found it in the

trash that doesn't mean mom put it there

oh yeah then how did it get in there huh

on its own hurry up larry i'm waiting

for the beauty parlor

yeah 40 years later

good news al they need uncle fester

lookalikes to open them all

then we can go together you can go as

thing

hi ma hello stephen

hey mama thought you're going to come

over to drop off dad's mail

i'm living with my sister because he

lost all our money in our house and now

he expects me to drag myself across town

every time he gets mail yeah i expected

a driver

and i hope i'm driving the car that's

pulling you

come on dad relax nothing here it's

nothing it's junk mail postcards and

one big envelope marked extremely urgent

i don't know

it's from the dmv

they canceled my life

it says you failed to respond to three

renewal notices

they must have been talking about these

things

oh why don't we just be very happy that

we found these things when we did he was

driving around without a valid driver's

license a cop could have stopped him and

put him in jail good he'll make lots of

new friends

i hear with big fat old guys

they're really gentle

it's too late to mail in your renewal i

guess stephen will just have to take you

to the dmv

thank you

uh don't be long your mother has a pair

of pliers she calls them thighs

funny

now shut up al or i'll choke you with

them and you know i can do it

no no no no way i'm taking them why not

why not dad and the dmv i cannot even

think of a worse combination except

maybe h*tler in the small world ride at

disneyland

not to mention the fact i have to speak

today at a seminar i don't care it's

your turn i took him to the auto show i

took him to danny's play we said that

was worth two trips fine if you get

double for the play i should get triple

for taking him to the dentist i should

get a million for having him live here

they love being with you almost as much

as i do

all right fine i won't go with either

one of you i don't need a license if i

have to go anywhere steven will drive me

god i thank you

when have i not been civil oh pick a

decade man

just cooperate okay i cleared my whole

morning for you but i have to get back

by two o'clock it's very important guest

speaker at a very important seven or two

o'clock two o'clock you'll

make two o'clock stardate 57 40.

i believe it's just crowded at 802 in

the morning huh i mean thank god we

didn't wait until 803 when all the

slackers get here

pick a line will you look like a dog

i'll tell you something picking the

right line is very important you pick

the wrong one you wait in line you look

like the old howard hughes with the

beard coming down to the floor and the

ten inch fingernails and uh you know the

g string made out of kleenex

you just gave me a vision of your mother

on that camping trip

i don't want mine to get on here the

signs aren't even in english

great they can't read the stop sign and

they let them drive look at this

saturday night at ellis island

yes yes welcome to america we're gonna

give you a new name

couscous oh god this is going to take

forever

no i know how to clear the room

immigration they found the tunnel

dad don't start with these people i'm

not out of line on this

if i was in this man's country i

wouldn't expect to walk in and say i

want to drive and change all the signs

to english but i do expect i'd see a bad

flaw show and have flies all around me

so i said to her i don't care shave it

and my brother agrees

so what does she do she doesn't shave it

she tweezes it doink doing doing

that's because jackie o does it that way

excuse me excuse me miss manners there

are people waiting

oh i'll call you later

sarah are you here on dmv business no

i'm the male stripper for the guys in

the back

oh it must be lenny's birthday i use the

blue door on the side

what's wrong with you of course i'm here

on dmv business

that was a joke

look everybody jay leno is here

[Music]

you know there really isn't any need for

hostility all right but we are in a rush

okay so uh i'm a psychologist and i'm

really just a psychologist look

everybody mr important drop everything

get out of his way

okay look my father needs his license we

need to find new licenses over there

and why haven't been standing over here

because that is where your thumb is how

do i know

you could have said something before i

mean look there's like 20 people

and somewhere in the forest a tree phil

what has that got to do with me

he's

i can't believe it's 11 30 already that

means they're handling one person like

every 90 minutes by the time we get up

there this guy in front of us might be

dead

if you shut up if he drops we'll save an

hour

boom

it's your mother's fault

oh it's not her fault i mean why should

you come all the way over your house

just to drop off your mail why not she

drives all the way up to albany to pick

up a case of bourbon and then goes on to

canada to get some ice

i think a uh i think a new line opened

up oh

go slow uh-huh take it easy all right

don't start a stampede huh

quiet

don't go

certainly finally what name is your

appointment

appointment this line is for

appointments only we can't serve you

without an appointment if you don't have

one would you please step aside oh come

on man you got to be crazy you're not

doing any that's right sir i'm doing my

job

hello

i cannot believe how they run this place

look there's a thousand people online

this guy's doing nothing certainly i can

give an appointment today or in three

weeks on the 22nd oh

very well on the 22nd

we'd like to make an appointment i can

give you one on the 22nd

today yes but i can't give you that

and why not

because you're here we don't give

same-day appointments in person

it wouldn't be fair to them

let me just see if i can understand this

okay you can't give us an appointment

today because we're like two feet away

from you but if i called you from home

it's like watching

tippy hedren and the birds you'd let us

in that's correct sir that's moronic sir

that's our policy sir

who works here people who can't pass the

post office test

with the damn quota system

you know i'm sure you would have made

one hell of a postman

what are you doing

that's out of order

yes i'd like to make a reservation for

today oh certainly come down anytime

great i'll be right there

okay

that's it

hello hello i'd like to make a

reservation for today oh sorry we just

booked the last one but i can fit you in

on the 22nd

you just please

hey

hey hey

no cutting in lines jeez right m*rder

here without having to line this lawn

since uh larry's bachelor party

attention attention

if you have a license and are simply

renewing step to this window

back dog back back

renewing renewing that's us renewing

would you like to see my old license

with every fiber of my being

that's a lot of fiber

this license expired three weeks ago

bright eyes that a problem not for me

there you are

that's it that's it

fantastic i might make this seminar

after all

this is my new license no

you have to take a written test that is

the number for the waiting list

[Applause]

i see

for ejaculation you know uh how long can

that take you know well

if you miss your speech don't blame me

blame your mother no no please

my obsession over andy davis and

miniature golf you know

hey you'll go ahead i can handle these

people hey what is that what are you

kidding me it wasn't for me those two

security guys would never let you back

in here i mean i pleaded for two hours

that's more than alan dershowitz did for

klaus found bulow

i'm sorry stephen i'll be good i promise

i won't humiliate you anymore will

everyone taking their written test

please have a seat and take a pencil oh

they gotta be kidding look at this

sukiyaki is given a driving test

dad please don't dredge up those old

stereotypes about japanese and asian

drivers hey it's not their fault they

don't have any peripheral vision

that's why during the w*r they were so

easy to g*n down you flew alongside of

them and they never saw you

it's true i'll show you

you know

that was just a generational thing i'm

not getting seriously i i swear to god

studies show really that people that

have grown up during the w*r they just

have to cope with it by dehumanizing the

enemy and then even after pieces to

achieve they still got the stereotypes

locked in their heads so it's up to us

it really is up to all of us the

succeeding generations to avoid

perpetuating prejudice and not to judge

our ancestors too harshly it's true

you're a jew aren't you

[Applause]

you have 20 minutes

this stuff looks pretty involved i hope

you know your stuff ah don't worry don't

worry trust me i was driving a car

before you were born you know you need

to know a lot to pass this test i bet

you don't even know what a railroad

crossing sign looks like i bet you don't

even know what a woman's breast looks

like

100 questions in 20 minutes okay

stephen

why

how close can you park to a fire station

look it's your license take your test

huh how close could you park to a fire

station 15 feet don't ask me another one

okay okay

looks like some guy with a big ass

if they're in a wheelchair it means

handicapped driver

oh look the guy's looking now he can't

see us they blink more than we do

here i'm just curious hey pop

if there weren't any other countries

what would you mark like montana

in a new york minute

now help me out here huh how do you park

on a hill look i'm not gonna cheat for

you if you can't pass on your own just

go home and study until you can

that means you'll have to bring me back

here my show me that question again

i don't know b and c both sound right

well i can't pick both what do you have

more b's or c's eight of each

that many make it a d

your choice i hardly have any ds you

could go back and put some in

now you tell me

time's up

oh by the way

i found this five dollars on the floor

i'm sure you'll know what to do with it

it's a great deal of money in your

country

hey i needed something going for me

after you screwed up my test i mean you

could have mentioned that d thing a

little sooner

i'm not so typical of you always blaming

someone else you know dad you've done

this your whole life

can god help me but i'm gonna quote

ronald reagan there you go again

really that every time something goes

wrong you never take any responsibility

you expect everyone to fix it for you

okay

i'll take care of my own problems i'll

fix it i'll fix it fine

okay

here we go

oh you're switching names oh that's

great but wind up in a turkish prison

playing find the cigarettes

okay

mr tyler 97.

excellent

miss welsh 91

ah

mr mitchell

65.

65 what does that mean oh it means you

failed no righteousness

[Applause]

i cannot believe

that i missed an important seminar for

this really i cannot get it out of my

mind this was the biggest waste of time

since i don't know custer said follow me

boys i feel lucky

the kid failed it was his test oh good

dad go tell them really i think i

deserve a license because i cheated

unsuccessfully they'll really buy that

question what did i do to them

what did you do to them

all the time you came in here with your

little nasty confrontational attitude

i'm telling you pop my entire life every

outing we went on always ended up just

like this oh excuse me for ruining your

outing to the dmv

can't you manage to go one day without

embarrassing me

that's all it ever is to you

you are embarrassed

you never think how i feel how you feel

yeah doctor you forgot why we're here

i'm here because your mother threw me

out because she didn't have enough

respect to give me my mail

how do you think that feels god it was

your mail

stops here look forgive me i'm into this

presidential quote mode kind of thing

today the bottom line is you should have

thought about taking your own mail

maybe i didn't want to i mean

well maybe if i sent the mail to your

mother she'd have a reason to come over

now and then

saying you would like to come over uh i

should like to see you more often

uh no

that's not it huh

when she comes over flies stay off my

food

i don't know pop i think what you're

saying is that uh

maybe just maybe uh you have more

feelings about her than you let on

gee dad i don't know i guess that's

about as close to a salmon as you get

huh

yeah

well i bet she'll have a big laugh when

she hears i failed the test

they give you three tries to pass this

thing

tell you know what i'm gonna do

i'll take across the street to that

diner i'm gonna buy a hot pot of coffee

decaf for me if you don't mind okay and

we're gonna cram until you get it

i appreciate that stephen

watch your hands huh sailor

[Music]

there you are mr mitchell ah way to go

dad

thank you steven and thanks for your

help

i'm sorry about the seminar hey hey look

it's no problem it's all i blew my

chance you know at the big money lecture

circuit but hey

the important thing is now you can drive

to the a p again huh congratulations yes

and now you can celebrate by hoisting a

few of the pig and whistles

what is wrong

with you people

what i mean what

you know life is tough enough

and you people have the opportunity to

make things easier for everyone but no

instead you have lousy attitudes

ridiculous rules and obnoxious

personalities i mean what is it with you

huh why are you doing this i mean do you

hate your silly pathetic little life so

much that the only joy you get is

treating the rest of mankind like scum

yes

what my son is trying to say is

[Applause]

for a woman who sits on her butt all day

she sure could kick

this is the worst day of my life

including the day you walked in on me

and tommy o'brien

what happened to that o'brien kid didn't

they throw him out of the parish

now i know how he feels i got kicked out

of the dmv

i didn't even violate any of the ten

commandments

no

at least i got my license

that'll show your brother

that aren't you forgetting i thought you

learned something today what but how you

feel about mom i didn't forget

that would be like the harry krishnas

for getting their way to the airport

who's that

that's that's that's mom i

i called a dad i uh i thought maybe you

and her would like to have like a little

talk judas

what did you want stephen hurry up larry

is driving me to chippendales

already

i hear they have a man there who can

even make change

thanks mom i'll never touch money again

as long as i live

let it go stephen

oh look dad

i know this is what you want and i think

maybe this is what mom wants so go on

you can do it

helen

you know the mail you brought over here

today

yes

well

the reason i didn't take care of it

myself was oh that reminds me

this came for you last month

the irs

i'll k*ll you

ah yes another day

in the parent trap

sorry i ruined your dmz audi

oh excuse me

oh excuse me now

i do for a lousy hundred grand