06x07 - Doug's Thanksgiving

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

-[chattering]
♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

Oh, joy.

We have arrived safe
upon these blessed shores.

It is only meet and proper
that we tender thanks.

Well spoken, my son.

Mayhap something
comprising the consumption

of great quantities of food.

With thine friends gathered
upon one place.

And a great pageant withal,
full of clownish parading

and great floating figures and--

Cut! Cut! Sorry, kids,
I'm just not getting any zing here.

Guys, lose the ship.

Lose all the buckles...

Pray, good fellow,
what ist the troubles thee?

And the stone age dialogue.
Let's get a band in here.

From the top!

[dance music playing]

♪ Everybody come join us ♪

♪ We're here to give our thanks ♪

♪ To our favorite corporations
And all our favorite banks ♪

♪ Work it ♪

Now that's thanksgiving.

Great.

[whistling]

That's me.

[man on pa] Price check aisle five.
Price check, aisle five.

I found a good one, dad.

[gurgling]

Hmm.

Perfect, son.

Of course, you losers have something
to be thankful for...

me, and just wait till thanksgiving.

Roger Klotz is going
to be the biggest thing

this town has ever seen.

...I asked him, and my dad said

we'd love to have thanksgiving
with your family.

Whoo-hoo!

I mean, yeah, great. Cool.

[Doug] This was going to be
the perfect thanksgiving...

The balloons, the parade...

Why does that guy look familiar?

[whistling]

[Doug] Sweet potatoes,
and Patti Mayonnaise.

Who would have thought
it could all be ruined

by one little can of beetberry sauce?

Hey, Beebe,
what are you doing shopping for food?

Cook forgot the beetberries

and all I can find is this cat food.

That's not cat food.

It's in cans, isn't it?

People don't eat food from cans.

Huh-uh.

Ooh, yuck.

The less I know, the happier I am.

-Excuse me.
-Hey!

I said excuse me.

Tsk, oh.

End of the line!

[woman] Who do you think you are?

I'll tell you who I am.
I'll tell you who I am.

My father is Bill Bluff

and he owns this store.

Wow. You're the daughter of Bill Bluff?

The Bill Bluff

and you're really the daughter?

Oh, I could just... get her!

[people shouting]

They did what?

Daddy, I don't think they like you

and they don't like me
'cause I'm your daughter

and they told me to get
in the end of the line. [sobbing]

Frank, call in the troops.
We have a problem.

Now, I want everyone
to look at this picture

and tell me the first thing
that comes into your mind.

Mercy! That bad man is
going to hurt that puppy.

I just know it!

Who is that man? I want him fired.

You can't fire him, sir.

He's part of a focus group we've assembled
to help improve your image.

Now, in this room, Mr. Bluff

people listen and respond
to your speeches.

[laughing]

Looks like they're having a good time.

I like it.

I affirm I had no idea

my bumper sticker factories
employed child labor.

I am sickened.

Yeah, right... "I'm sickened."

[all laugh]

My face on a dartboard?

What sort of test is this?

Actually, Mr. Bluff, it's not a test.

This is the employees' lounge.

I hope you understand, Mr. Bluff

these findings are only preliminary.

On the bright side

we found you were more popular

than having a band-aid
yanked off a hairy arm.

How much more popular?

If you figure in the margin of error

you come in just behind
the band-aid on the hairy arm

but you're still ahead of a broken nose.

How is this possible?

Well, Mr. Bluff,
it might have something to do

with your wiping out that trailer park.

Or the toxic waste
you dumped in lucky duck lake

or all those people you laid off
who are now homeless.

That's ridiculous!

By that logic,
next thing you'll be telling me is

all men are created equal!

[Director] We have your problem
licked, Mr. B.

We'll have your popularity back

before you can say "scandal coverup."

Just kidding. Ha ha!

We simply take the old Bill Bluff
and replace him with the new Bluff.

He's bold, he's sassy

he laughs when you tickle him,
and get this...

He comes to your house and eats.

-Eats?
-Eats.[laughs] Exactly.

And the one day of the year
that says "family"

that says "thanks," has "giving" in it...

Thanksgiving! Exactly!

[laughs]

Picture this...
Bill Bluff carving the bird

For the perfect Bluffington family

televised, an hour, tops... and then bang!

You're Mr. Popular, back on the yacht,
floating on the calm seas

of indifference and superiority, oh!

Hmm. Who is this family?

We'll know in a minute

thanks to Bluffco's
top-of-the-line computers.

And here they are...

"The perfect Bluffington family

should own a home... not too fancy.

Two point five children, preferably a boy

a girl, and a baby with a quirky name."

No, no, Dirtbike, that's not food.

[Director] "A pet... clever, if possible.

The mother, in addition
to taking care of the family

should find time for volunteer work."

I'm off to the recycling center.

[Director] "The father should be likeable

but not overly complicated."

Anybody notice how
the stain over the couch

looks like Ben Franklin?

"And the name of that family?

The Chumpskys."

Boy, girl, baby, dog, parents, bang!

The perfect family
for the perfect thanksgiving TV special.

Uh-oh. Mr. Bluff, Mr. Bluff,
we foreclosed on that property, sir.

You wanted it for another teeny mart.

Maybe we should go with plan "B"...

-What's that?
-Randomly pick a family out of a hat.

Did you hear about the Chumpskys' house?

[doorbell rings]

I wonder who that could be.

Wasn't that awful?

Maybe we should invite them over

for a simple, old-fashioned
family thanksgiving.

Funnie family?

You are our winners.

[Both] Yay, Funnies! Yay, Bluff!

Yay, thanksgiving!

-[thud]
-[man] That hurt.

[Doug] We'd been chosen
to have thanksgiving dinner

on TV with Mr. Bluff.

Oh, great.

Pure evil over for the holiday.

I'll set an extra place.

Judith. Still, Thanksgiving
is such a special day.

We don't want to spoil it
with cameras and lights

and all that attention.

Here's Patti and Doug.

Don't they look perfect together?

Wow, Doug.

I never noticed it before,
but we do look perfect together.

It's a great idea...

TV cameras, Thanksgiving.

Trust me. Have I ever been wrong before?

[all] Well...

OK, OK, but this time I'm right.

It's no big deal.

We'll just set an extra place.

OK, we'll do it.

[doorbell rings]

[Doug] That's when we found out
what it takes

to have just one Bluff come to dinner.

Open up and let us in.

Today is almost tomorrow already.

-Who are you?
-You poor simple thing.

I am Amadeus Bottom

The legendary caterer.

[Doug] "Bottom... I'm the top"?

Go ahead. Try it.

[Doug] Try what?

The card. Try it. Eat it.

Hey, it's a very thin cookie.

You should taste my shoes. Now let me in!

Are we expecting a famous caterer?

Now is almost tomorrow already.

I must prepare the feast!

I won't have to cook?
Douglas, let that man in.

[blows whistle]

[chattering]

Push that pan. Grease that tray.

Burp-seal that container, mister.

We're not cooking, we're creating.

There's only one word for that smell...

Good.

Dad... crane.

[woman] Lift the roof
about five feet, Charlie!

Oh, you don't mind
if we raise the ceiling, do you?

Mr. Bluff has a very large persona.

We like our ceiling where it is.

Of course, you do.

Raise it, Charlie!

OK, great.

Now give us a little
of the father and son.

Too stiff.

Let's see what you really feel
about your old dad.

Look at him. What do you see?

A fat purple dot?

Now hold on. This is our home.

All right, everybody hold it!

This is the Funnie household

and it doesn't matter
who's coming to dinner.

We're going to have a normal

plain, old family thanksgiving.

That's telling them, dad.

I thought you'd be happy
to be in a costume.

[scoffs] You think I'm happy now?

Just wait till Bill Bluff comes.

[Doug] I know from experience
that whenever Judy is happy

it means trouble.

I'll finally get to confront Mr. Bluff

about the heinous lies

his family perpetrated on our town.

[both] What?

For starters, the Bluffs were not
the first people in Bluffington.

In fact, there were plenty of people
living here.

And the Bluffs took their land.

[all clamoring]

[Judy] They plopped their teeny mart

right in the middle of the village.

Maybe this wouldn't be the best time
to bring that up.

It's perfect.

The place will be full
of cameras and reporters.

I'll expose his blatant hypocrisy.

[Doug] Things got touchy after that.

[Phil] Judith Anastasia Funnie

you cannot do this!

[Judy] You can't stop me! I have proof!

It's a free country!

[Doug] So Judy locked herself in her room

to write her thanksgiving exposé

And to make it even worse,
mom said we couldn't watch them

inflate the parade balloons this year.

Why not? We go every year.

I'm sorry, Douglas

but we're a little overwhelmed this year.

[man] Over here, please.

[Doug] At least I knew one person
coming to thanksgiving dinner

would be normal.

[rings doorbell]

Hey, Doug, how are you doing?

I'll get Patti. Patti!

Oh, hello. [flatly] Doug.

Hey, Patti. I just wanted to warn you
that thanksgiving might be weird.

Is something wrong?

Everything's perfect, Doug.

[Doug] They had gotten to Patti.
She was weird, too.

You heard about Mr. Bluff
coming over, didn't you?

Yes. Are you done?

I have to go buy food
for thanksgiving dinner.

But we've got plenty of food.

I guess I would care if I were invited.

What? Of course, you're invited.

I invited you.

Yeah, and your messenger uninvited me.

Messenger? What?

I guess I'm just not fancy enough

to have thanksgiving
with the Funnies this year.

[panting] But you've got it all wrong.

Oh, man.

[panting]

[all chattering]

Of course, I uninvited her.

Mr. Bluff wants happy, happy.

Her father's in a wheelchair.
That's a downer. Sad. No good.

What? I don't believe this.

Sorry, can't talk now.
Honey, honey, honey, don't touch that.

That's my first...

[Doug] I had to get away.

This wasn't thanksgiving anymore.

This was some Bluffco product.

[contented sigh]

Now this is thanksgiving.

Traditional values are the best, man.

Turkey and helium.

[officer]All right, move along.
Clear the parade route.

OK, bud, OK. We're going.

I guess you're not picturesque enough
for Mr. Bluff, Joe.

You know, Kenny,
I thought when he fired me

I'd never take another order
from that guy.

Pfft, go figure.

This is awful.

You're telling me.

Not that. This.

They replaced the nematode float
with a Bluffco float.

Oh, man, it can't get any worse.

[Roger] More, more!

My head isn't big enough yet!

I can't believe it.

Roger, you have your own balloon?

Jealous? Just wait. Blow me up more!

Bigger! Bigger!

Hey, Patti, I want to expl--

Ha! Come on, Connie.
There's too much hot air here.

Skeet, this thanksgiving is going to stink

like yesterday's mystery meat.

Someone's going to have to do something
about it, Skeet, and you know what?

It's gonna be me.

-[screams]
-[thud]

[marching band playing]

Come on. Gas it up. Watch my arm, doofus.

Make sure they can see my profile.

My face! My face! Get me out of there!

Aah! I'm flappy!

When Bill Bluff comes by

I want the whole family to smile

and say "ooh!"

Then the little boy stands up

and you say, "he's my hero!"

like you just opened

the goodiest-woodiest
Christmas present ever.

[laughs]

The goodiest-woodiest?

That-a-boy, tiger.

[Roger] Pull! Pull! Here, give it to me!

[grunting]

[all screaming]

[Roger] There I go! Stop me!

Catch me before I pop!

♪ You can't get enough of Bill Bluff ♪

♪ He's such a popular guy ♪

Stop me! I'm out of control!

♪ He's really your best friend ♪

Here comes the Bluffco float.

Everybody, happy eyes. Happy eyes.

And, kid, here comes your line.
And action!

Come on, kid, say it! Say it!

"He's my hero!"

Careful, son.

Oh, Douglas!

What are you standing there for?
Follow him! Go, go, go, go!

[Doug] Excuse me. Excuse me.

This could be great.

He's going to throw himself
under the wheels.

[laughs]

Did i say that out loud?

Mr. Bluff, Mr. Bluff

Mr... ooh!

Hey, clear the street.

Wait, I have to... Mr. Bluff!

Come along, sonny.

[Sniffs] I smell media.

Hello, hello.

Mr. Bluff, I want to tell you

Patti is coming to our thanksgiving

whether you like it or not.

Right, yes. Of course.

What's he saying?

Oh, that's just Doug.
Probably something stupid.

Hey!

I hope everyone is catching
the symbolism here.

Bluff up high on his ceremonial throne

unable to hear the cries
of the people below.

OK, kid, enough's enough.

That's the biggest turkey I've ever seen.

I'm telling you, Kenny

if it was real,
I could eat the whole thing.

Not the balloon,
him, the turkey that made us homeless.

Hey, I thought I told you
deadbeats to scram.

After all, what kind of thanksgiving is it

if everyone isn't welcome?

Something about a thanksgiving welcome.

Oh, that's right, daddy.

You're having thanksgiving at his house.

Why on earth would we...

Oh, yes, that's right, to make me popular.

But, daddy, you're already popular.

Everybody adores you. Look.

Why, you're right, honeybunch.

Look at me. I'm popular.

Keep smiling. Keep waving.

Oh, daddy

does that mean you can have
thanksgiving at home?

Well, sure. Why not? After all...

Oh, daddy, I love you.

Aww.

And while we're on the subject
of Mr. Bluff

I'd like to take a moment to expose

The heinous crimes...
wait! I'm not finished.

-Sorry. Didn't you hear? He ain't coming.
-So?

You're not a somebody anymore

so your opinion don't count.

That's what I'm saying. That...

Look out! Gangway! Runaway Roger!

Wow! A giant Roger.

Gross!

No! [sobs] Wait!

Roger, come back! Come back!

[screaming]

[all groans]

-Oh, thank goodness that's over.
-[gasps]

Oh, my.

We'll have leftovers
till next thanksgiving.

Nobody could eat this much.

They just wanted it
to look good for the cameras.

Oh, too bad this is all going to waste.

Yeah, it's too bad we don't know
a couple hundred people.

Wait a second.
Why do we have to know them?

I know what we can do.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

I've d*ed and gone to heaven.

Who needs stuffing?

[all cheering]

Oh, that's good turkey.

That's good eating. Yes, sir.

I think we may actually
eat all this food, Doug.

Yeah, I just wonder
what Mr. Bluff would say

if he were here to see this.

He'd say, "good food, good meat,
good gravy, let's eat."

[Patti] Yay! Let's eat! Hey!

[man] This is great.
Oh, I could do this every year.

[Doug] The Bluffs had an untraditional
thanksgiving for them...

Just the family together at home.

Good food, good meat

good gravy, let's eat.

[Doug] In the end, it turned out to be
the kind of thanksgiving

that will give us something to think about
every day of the year.

It was definitely a day
none of us will forget.

[Roger] Come back, Roger! Come back!

[closing theme music]