05x21 - Doug's Big Panic

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

-[chattering]
-♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear journal

every since I've known Patti

we've done a zillion cool things together.

But this week,
I was going for the big one.

Kiss me, my darling.

[lips smacking]

Mmm, no good.

Uh, maybe you need to pull
the bologna out a little more.

More like lips.

But Patti's lips aren't just hunks
of blubbery meat, Skeeter.

They're like... They're like--

Like coral glistening
in the south sea sun?

Only soft, like tiny pillows?

Yeah, that's more like it.

Ah, sorry, man, no coral. [chuckles]

Uh, try this balloon.

No, it's no good.

I'll just have to kiss Patti

and let it come out however it does.

If I'm a bad kisser,
then I'm a bad kisser.

Oh, whatever you say, man.

Gimme the balloon.

[door creaks]

That's me.

[lips smacking]

[Doug] For the past few weeks,
Skeeter's been working

on a mysterious secret project.

And despite the rumors

nobody knew what he was up to.

That is, till today.

How's it going, Skeeter?

Curtain going up? Chewing the scenery?

Eatin' the big pizza pie?

The end.

There, all done.

Loving it! Loving it! Loving it!

Ooh! That's hot!

-Can I have your attention, please?
-[all gasps]

Attention, please!

I just want everyone to know

I'm holding in my hand a brand-new show

I just finished.

Auditions are Friday.
It's gonna be k*ller.

I hope all you kids
bring your wild energy to tryouts.

See ya there!

Help me down.

[kids murmuring]

Hey, Skeeter, is there a part for me?

Hold on. Let me go back and explain it
from the start.

What happened was
Guy saw this big musical...

♪ We're singing rats and dancing rats... ♪

[Skeeter] It was the best show
he'd ever seen.

♪ We're rats, rats, rats, rats, rats ♪

Socko!

[Skeeter] That night, he couldn't sleep.

He just had to do a show of his own.

Suddenly, he got an idea.

Before long, he had the t-shirts, posters,
and key chains all designed.

Kickin'! Whoo-hoo!

[Skeeter] Now all he needed was a show.

He asked the librarian
for the name of someone who read a lot.

That's where I came in.

How would you like to write my musical?

Uh, what's it about?

You wanna do a musical
about your underwear?

No, a musical about
the world's most famous painting

the Mona Lisa.

Cool. What's the story?

Who cares? It's the most
famous painting ever.

It's gotta be boffo, right?

Just remember,
it's gotta be big, big, big!

Lights, songs, explosions! Ahh.

And the Mona Lisa.

Bingo, baby!

[Skeeter] It was harder than it sounded.

Oh, it's no good, man.

I can't figure out how to make a painting

into a big Broadway musical.

I need a story.

Hey, wait a minute, Skeet.

I think I got an idea.

[yelps]

[Skeeter] At midnight,
the clock strikes...

-[dings]
-...and Mona Lisa comes to life.

She finds the love note from Leonardo

but she can't read it
because he writes backwards.

She thinks he doesn't love her

and so she cries and runs
right out of her painting.

The only thing she leaves behind
is a glass flipper.

Don't you mean a glass slipper?

No, a flipper.

You can't see it in the painting

but she's wearing a wet suit and flippers.

Boffo, Skeet.

Oh, if only Shakespeare
could have written like you

he would have been huge!

[Skeeter] Next, Guy needed money
to put on his show.

[Guy] And the only thing she leaves behind
is her glass flipper.

Boffo! So, what do you think?

What's in it for me?

Your name on all the posters.

Say! Nah.

I got a better idea.

[ring]

-Hello?
-How about this?

Leonardo's chasing after Mona Lisa, right?

He gets on a ship, right?

And on the ship, there's a sea captain...

Whoo-hoo! Ya-ha! Don't forget the peg leg!

Hoo-hoo! Argh, matey! [chuckles]

Right. And he's only got one leg.
Yeah, you with me?

And he's chasing this big white whale
that chopped it off.

I know where you're going.

The whale's named Moby d*ck, right?

[Guy] What? No! Free Wally.

See if you can work it in

you big genius you. Gotta go!

So, I just finished the script.

As long as Guy doesn't get any more ideas.

Valentino! Just struck with genius.

One word, wooden boy who lies.

See what you can do. And by the way,
who is that?

Oh, that's Patti Mayonnaise.

Whoo-whee.

She'd be great as Mona Lisa.

Make sure she auditions. Gotta fly!

Well, how did the story end, Skeeter?

Well, Leonardo finds Mona Lisa

and she's under a magic spell.

The only way he can wake her

is for Leonardo to kiss her.

[all laugh]

Kiss her?

I shall wake her.

What's goin' on?

What's goin' on?

What's goin' on?

What are y'all talking about?

[talking and laughing]

I'm gonna get that part if it kills me.

♪ Who can sculpt a stallion ♪

♪ And write backwards in Italian? ♪

♪ For Leonardo ♪

♪ It's not so hard-o ♪

♪ Who can paint the Mona Lisa ♪

♪ Eating pepperoni pizza? ♪

[smacking]

♪ For Da Vinci ♪

♪ It's very cinch-y ♪

[yells]

-Doug, watch out!
-[crashing]

-[grunts]
-[rumbles]

Huh?

Run for it!

It's falling down!

[screaming]

[Doug] If I was gonna sing and dance
in front of people

I decided I better get
some advice from an expert.

Sure, I'll help you, Dougie.

What? I don't think I heard you right.
Did you say--

I said, I'll help you.

-Oh.
-[whirring]

[Doug] What's the catch?

It just so happens that I'm choreographing

the dances for this Mona play.

So if you blow it, guess who looks bad?

Now, if you try out for the front end
of the whale

you have to sing and dance.

But if you're the back end,
you only have to dance.

What do you think?

Actually, I was thinking
of trying out for... [mumbles]

-I'm sorry. I thought you said Leonardo.
-I did.

[laughs] Oh, good one.

Now, the sailors all have
to sing and dance

but maybe if we gave you a peg leg...

Doug? Doug?

♪ La la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ I am Le... ♪

[muffled]

[Judy] If you're going to be Leonardo

you're going to have
to sing louder than that.

No, you're right.

I should just start
practicing getting harpooned

and squirting water out my blowhole.

Look, I'm sorry about what I said before.

After all, what's worse

making a fool of yourself
in front of everybody

or giving up without trying?

-Doug? Doug?
-I'm thinking.

Well, I, for one, wouldn't want

to have to go around wondering
what might have happened.

Who knows? You might turn out to be
a better actor than me.

You think so?

No, of course not. Are you kidding?

But you might be good enough

for one of these puffy,
crowd-pleasing pieces of drivel.

[Doug] Judy sure knows
how to inspire a guy.

Anyway, we went to work.

♪ Pleased to meet ya ♪

♪ Mona Lisa ♪

Louder, Leonardo, louder!

♪ Pleased to meet ya... ♪

[Doug] Judy and I
practiced the show over and over.

Emote, Dougie!

[groans]

[Doug] Auditions were that Friday.

Trying out for Free Wally the whale

Skunky Beaumont.

[clanging]

Nervous, Doug?

Me? [chuckles]

[yells] Where's my script?
I think I ate my script!

Next is Patti Mayonnaise.

♪ I'm mysterious Mona ♪

♪ I'm not one to gush
At that boy with the brush ♪

♪ I'm mysterious Mona ♪

♪ I might just faint
If you touch my wet paint ♪

♪ Mysterious Mona, that's me ♪

[Doug] OK, Patti didn't have
the greatest singing voice ever

but she gave it her all.

Everybody was impressed.

Did I die?

Is this heaven?

That's my Mona!

[chuckles] Oh, we're gonna sing a song.

The song the sailors sing.

[groaning and complaining]

Oh, brother. Get me outta here.

And, OK. [clears throat]

And a-one, and a-two. [blows]

♪ We're sailors three, we sail the sea ♪

♪ Off to find a girl named Li ♪

♪ Say, have you seen her? ♪

♪ Say, have you seen her? ♪

♪ She's five foot three from Italy ♪

♪ This colorful maid that we call Li ♪

♪ Say, have you seen her? ♪

♪ Say, have you seen her? Yeah! ♪

[cheers and applause]

[Doug] Roger already had the part
of the one-legged sea captain.

If you think I'm singin', you're nuts.

[Doug] The only other person
who tried out for Leonardo was Fentruck

who had a natural advantage
on account of his built-in accent.

[Italian accent] Ah,
what a beautiful painting I have made!

Bella! Bella!

[Doug] But I really went
to town with the singing

Thanks to Judy.

♪ Mona Lisa ♪

♪ Please say cheese-a ♪

♪ And grin a toothy grin for me ♪

♪ Mona Lisa ♪

♪ I-I say please-a ♪

♪ Your big a-smile I gotta see ♪

Then, a few days later...

Mmm. A-hoy! A-hoy!

Fentruck, are you OK?

I am practicing
for the Mona Lisa play, Doug.

Really? Uh, what part did ya get?

Doug, you are looking at happy,
limping sailor number four!

Yes. I mean...

sailor number four is just as important
to the show as... as sailor number three!

I'm Leonardo! Whoo-hoo!

Yay!

Whoo-hah!

Yeah, great!

♪ Ta-da ta-da ♪

[grunts]

[sighs]

♪ ♪

Kiss me, Mona!

Oh, Douglas,

there's a message on the machine for you

about some play?

I know! [singing]

[Guy] Doug! This is Guy!

Better take a seat, song and dance man.

You're in my show!

I'm Leonardo!

[Guy] You're my happy sailor number five!

See you at rehearsals,
you old salty! Buh-bye!

No! I'm Leonardo! Leonardo!

[tape rewinding]

-[Guy] Happy sailor number 5...
-I'm sitting!

And I'm Leonardo!

I'm Leonardo.

[Doug] Somebody else
was going to be giving Patti my kiss.

But who?

The answer came the next day
at the first rehearsal.

It was a hard decision,
and after a lot of thinking

I've decided the best person
to play Leonardo is...

-[drum roll]
-[exclaims]

[chuckles] Me!

[gasping]

[Doug] And that was just the beginning.

OK. Cross your right leg in front
and swing your hips.

Two, three. That's right. Tush out.

[Doug] What happened on stage
that first day was bad enough.

What was going on
behind the scenes was worse.

Yeah, so I said,
"What, and leave show business?"

[laughing]

[groans]

[Patti] Oh, Guy!

I quit!

Don't you know how to knock?

You heard me! I'm outta here!

You can just do your little show

without happy sailor number five!

I never wanted to be in it anyway!
And you know what?

This show is the lamest thing
I've ever seen!

I wouldn't be in it if you fell
on your hands and knees and begged me!

No, Doug, please! You're right.
You're Leonardo.

You and Patti are the perfect couple.

Come on. Let's practice
the kissing scene right now.

Oh, Leonardo!

[lips smacking]

[Theda] Douglas...

Douglas!

-Yeah, mom?
-I've been calling and calling you.

Telephone.

Sorry, mom.

-Hello?
-Oh, hey, Doug.

I just wanted to tell you how glad I am

we're gonna be doing
a show with each other.

Maybe we can get together
and practice sometime.

Really?

Whoo-hoo!

Maybe it's not such a bad play after all.

Wow!

[Doug] I kept practicing all week.

I had to admit

after a while, I got pretty good at being
happy sailor number five.

♪ We're looking for Free Wally
And the Mona Lisa, too ♪

♪ So shiver me timbers
And walk the plank ♪

♪ Come join our nasty crew ♪

♪ We're the nasty crew ♪

Skeet, I have a note.

What we need is something really big

at the end of the first act. Bang!

Well, we have the battle of Free Wally
and the ship sinking and all.

Big! We need to think big!

What do you think of this? The Civil w*r!

[sarcastically] Bingo, baby.

I knew you'd like it.

Uh, make me head guy
of whichever side won.

[rehearsing] A-hoy, a-hoy, a-hoy.

A-hoy, a-hoy...

I was wondering,
you doin' anything tonight?

Wow. Brownies.

It's so great of you
to do this with me, Doug.

Guy's just too busy.

So you read Leonardo's lines

and I'll see if I can remember mine.

Young lady, what are you doing here?

Don't you know this is the Civil w*r?

I am so weary of traveling.

-Um...
-Don't I...

Don't I...

[groans] I'm terrible at memorizing.

Oh, Mona, wait. Give me a smile.

I must leave you now, o brave artist.

Good luck.

You did it! Perfect!

Hope I don't forget anything
before tomorrow night.

Do you need to practice the end?

Believe me, I practice that
plenty with Guy.

What's it gonna be like, kiss...

Doing that last scene
in front of everyone?

I'm pretty nervous

but Guy says the only way
to get over butterflies

is to practice and practice and...

Doug, why are you twisting
your script up like that?

What?!

You heard me! I'm outta here!

You can just do
your little show without me!

And what are you smiling at?

[laughs] Aw, come on, Doug!

You're not quittin'.

This is just another one
of your little fantasies.

Oh, yeah? Well...

Just... Just wait!

[Doug] It was the night of the big opening

and I was quitting.

Doug! There you are.

Don't forget. You need to face front.

Keep your chin up.

-Huh?
-I'm glad you saw it through.

Happy sailor number five!

You'll be great.

Break a leg, little brother.

Doug! I am quite moist in the armpits.

What about you?

I-I'm, uh... never mind.

Break a leg, Fentruck.

Break an egg to you, Doug!

[Doug] I don't know if I was
being dumb or what.

But I just couldn't let everybody down.

After all, I said I'd do it.

All I had to do as happy sailor
number five

was sail Leonardo
and Mona Lisa to each other.

It wasn't the end
of the world or anything.

It just felt like it.

He's sick! Oh, my gosh, he's sick!

What? Who's sick? What happened?

Guy is sick.

He exhausted himself,
and he cau... he caught some... spots!

What are we gonna do?
We have to cancel the show!

But... but the show must go on!

Wait a minute!

We don't have to cancel
the show at all! Listen!

But, Leonardo, it is the civil w*r,

and you must choose a side!

Why, Mona, I choose the winning side.

Oh, Leonardo, what will become of us?

I will paint you into history!

-Now hold that flipper still.
-Huh?

-Wow!
-Whoa.

He knows the lines.

You have to do it, Dougie!

It's up to you to save the show!

But... [stammers]

Not buts!

Tonight you go out there

as just another kid from the chorus!

But you're coming back
a 16th-century painter!

-You can do it... Leonardo!
-[chuckling]

[gulps]

[Doug] It was too late
to worry about learning all the dances.

I just had to try to make it through.

And don't forget, when you pick up
the glass flipper, don't drop it!

It's made out of sugar!

OK, everyone! Places!

We can't hold the curtain any longer.

Good luck. I-I mean, break a leg, Doug!

[Doug] Act one went OK.

Patti even remembered all her lines.

[attempting Italian accent] Who is that-a?

Come out-a. I hear you talking.

Leonardo! Your love
has brought me to life!

I must-a be hearing things!

[Doug] I only made one mistake...

My painting! She is a-gone!

Oh, how I will kiss her.

-I mean, miss her!
-[exclaims]

[laughing]

[Doug] Even without me,
the happy sailors were pretty good.

♪ So shiver me timbers
And walk the plank ♪

♪ Come join our nasty crew ♪

♪ Join our ♪

♪ Nasty crew ♪

[cheers and applause]

I'll help ya find your painting

If you help me find that cursed whale
what ate me leg off!

We a-have a deal, good captain Ahab.

[Doug] Even the Civil w*r battle sequence
worked well, I thought.

And the lasers looked really cool.

♪ We will fight for the union forever ♪

[cheers and applause]

[Doug] I made it to intermission.

My big scene was coming up.

I was finally going to get to kiss Patti.

Only in front of 150 people.

P.U., Doug!

What have you been eating, onions?

-[groans]
-[laughter]

[chuckles]

[humming]

Oh, Dougie! I'm so proud of you!

You're doing great!

Well, thanks to you. I was ready to--

[Connie] Oh, no!

-She's sick! Patti's sick!
-[all gasps]

What?

Guy must have given
whatever he had to Patti!

She's got spots, too!

We'll have to stop the show
and refund everyone's money!

[Judy, as Mona] Not necessarily!

-[all] Huh?
-[Doug] Well, journal...

even though I didn't get to kiss Patti

I still had a pretty good time.

At least until the very end.

Who can wake the sleeping Mona Lisa, Papa?

Don't worry, puppet boy.
Someone will a-come.

-[Doug, as Leonardo] I am a-here!
-Huh?

I shall awake her with a kiss.

[lips smacking]

[yells]

[Doug] Even if Mona
turned out to be my sister...

[cheers and applause]

...it was one evening I'll never forget.

[Patti] Dear, Doug, I really loved doing
act one with you.

Too bad we never got to do
our big scene together.

[Doug] Still, I couldn't help wondering

what it would have been like...

I am a-here!
I shall awake her with a kiss!

[laughs]

[all laughing]

I'm sorry. Try again.
I won't laugh, I promise.

[assistant director]
Kissing scene, take 37.

-I am a-her! I-oh!
-[all laughing]

[assistant director] Take 63.

I am a-here!
I shall awake her with a kiss!

[all laughing]

[assistant director] Take 213!

[closing theme music playing]