05x01 - Doug's Last Birthday

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear journal, remember me?
Doug Funnie.

It seems like years
since I've written,

but it's only been
since the beginning of summer.

I haven't bothered
because there's never anything

to write about.

Nothing. I mean nothing
ever happens around here.

Well, nothing except for the brand-new
middle school they're building.

Nobody knows the name of it yet,

but that's where I'll be going
next week when school starts.

I hope.

I still think Patti Mayonnaise
is the greatest.

That's definitely the same.

I'm open, Daddy.

Ready? Alley-oop.

She puts it up, she scores. Whoo-hoo!

Yes!

All right.

[Doug] Unfortunately, Roger Klotz
is still his same old charming self.

-[dogs barking]
-[Roger] Ah, shut up.

You mutts think you're so tough
behind the fence, huh?

[chuckles] What a lame bunch--

-[dogs barking]
-Uh-oh.

Run for it, Stinky.

[Doug] My best friend
Skeeter Valentine never changes.

Super peanutty buddy, please.

-Here you go.
-Thanks, Mr. Swirly.

See ya. Mmm.

[Roger screaming]

Oh, man.

[Doug] Beebe Bluff's so rich,
she can't afford to change.

♪ La di di dah dah dah ♪

[humming]

Ah. Perfect.

[Roger screaming]

[Roger] Beebe, call the cops.

Help.

[grunting] Ow! That hurt.

[shrieks] Oh, man.

[screaming]

Hey, my book!

Ow!

[Doug] Everything's the same
on good ol' Jumbo Street.

As usual, Mr. Dink is trying out
some new gizmo.

Careful, Bud, you might fall
and hurt something,

like the azaleas.

[Bud] Oh, not to worry, dear.
Everything's under control.

[screaming]

Turbo-glide. [chuckles]

Help, Mr. Dink.

[grunting]

[screaming]

[Doug] Ah, my room.
Nothing changed here.

Porkchop's still my best
non-human friend in the whole world.

And of course there's me.

One thing's for sure,
I haven't changed a bit.

That's me.

[Doug] With only five days left
until my 12th birthday,

I had no time to lose.

[humming]

Mom, I'm gonna go deliver
my birthday party invitations.

It'll give me a chance
to see the ol' g*ng.

Okay, Douglas.

But remember, stop at the barber
and get that haircut. Okay?

Oh, Mom.

[exhales]

And try to get a nice cut.

You're starting at a new school
next week, you know.

[Doug sighs] How could I forget?

One bad thing about my birthday,
it always reminds me

that school starts
just a few days later.

[barber humming]

The usual, Mr. Sweeney.

Oh, sorry, Douglas. Can't do that.

What?

Well, up to now, I've been giving you
a grade school cut.

But since you're starting
middle school,

you're going to need
an older guy haircut.

What kind of cut is that?

[grunting] Why, I'm glad
you asked, Doug.

Here, use my new
choose-a-do hairmatic system.

Just pick a number.

Um...

Ugh.

Huh?

[retches]

[grunting]

[Doug] Good grief.

Uh, I better take some time
to think about this, Mr. Sweeney.

Sure, Douglas.
Come back when you're ready.

[Doug] Getting a haircut
was going to be

a lot more complicated
than I thought.

I decided to go over and deliver
Roger's invitation first.

But I forgot that the new school
was being built

where Roger used to live.

I felt kind of weird
about the new school.

It was like everything in my life
was about to be totally changed.

Next stop, Connie Benge's.

One thing's for sure,

I can always count on her
to be exactly the same.

Oh, hi.
Um, I'm looking for Connie Benge.

[giggles] You're so funny, Doug.

Connie? You look different.

Thanks, Doug. I just got back
from camp make-em-over.

Whoa!

[Connie] What do you think
of the new me?

[Porkchop grunting approvingly]

[Doug] At least Chalky
still looked the same.

Hey, Chalky. What?

-[football scout 1] Good catch.
-[football scout 2] This guy's good.

Hey, Doug. Thanks.

A party. Cool.

Chalky, who are all these guys?

I think they're scouting me
for high school athletics programs.

Come on, kid, give us a break.

Skip middle school
and come play for the 86ers.

You'll be our starting quarterback.

Plus, we'll give you a new car.

[Doug] Wow, Chalky's life
sure was changing.

I knew I could rely on my best friend
to be exactly the sa--

Hey, Doug. Oh.

Huh?

Skeeter, what happened?

I had a growth spurt.

It's a pain, man.
I keep kicking 'em.

Ow! Ooh! See what I mean?

Skeet, have you noticed everything
around here seems to be changing?

Mmm... nope.
Except maybe you sound different.

Yeah, that, too.

It's starting to bug me, man.

Come on, Doug, relax.

You'll feel better after you have
a frosty shake

at the Honker Burger, man.

[waiter] Stop.

Excusez moi, s'il vous plait.

You must wear a jacket
and cravat to enter.

To enter the Honker Burger?

No, no, no.
To enter Chez Honque.

-[reading]
-[Skeeter] What does that mean?

It means, "Buh-bye, go away,
so long. Au revoir."

[Doug sighs]

Oh, man.

I told you everything was changing.

No more Honker Burger.

It can't get any worse than this.

Hey, you losers, guess what?

-[both] What?
-I'm rich.

[screaming]

[Doug] How will we survive
without the Honker Burger?

You may be wondering
why I gathered you here today.

This place stinks.

Yeah. What's that smell?

Oh, I smell it, too.

You think maybe it's coming
from over there?

[all wincing]

[all retching]

[Doug] Hopping Whopping Wieners
turned out to be a stinky idea,

so we bailed and went to Beebe's house.

Thanks for letting us
use your yard, Beebe.

I just did it so I wouldn't
have to walk home when we're done.

Hey, you're bending the grass.

You know why I gathered
you all here today?

Because I'm rich.

I'm filthy, stinkin',
R-I-C-K-H, rich.

If it is true, how'd it happen?

It's an amazing story
you'll never forget.

I wrote it down so I'd get it right.

It all started
when the town discovered

the old middle school
had a slight termite problem,

but they discovered it too late.

-Hey, what happened?
-Ow! Termites.

[Roger] When word got to
Beebe's father, he said...

[Bill] No daughter of mine is going
to a school that's made of dust.

I'll build a new one myself.

Now, let me think.

Where's the perfect place
for the new school?

[Beebe] How about getting rid
of all those icky trailers, Daddy?

They're ugly.

Now, now, sugar.

Just because Fat Jack's trailer park
is a low-rent eyesore--

Hey! She's right. It's perfect.
Let's kick 'em out.

You want to buy this land

for little animals
to run free on? [burps]

Uh, absolutely. Trust me.

I likes animals.

I guess I can
sell it to you cheap, then.

[Roger] And the historic deal
was sealed.

Fat Jack used that money
to buy the Honker Burger.

He wanted to call it "Fat Jack's,"

only he didn't know
the French word for "fat."

[burps]

Mon dieu. Sacre bleu.

[babbling angrily]

[Roger] The school
was more than halfway done

when my mom found
her old contract with Fat Jack.

You own the land
under your trailer?

Yes, and I still own it, Mr. Bluff.

[Roger] Our land was smack dab
in the middle of the new school.

Mr. Bluff could either
rip it all down...

Ew.

...or...

Mr. Bluff bought
the land from me.

Come on, Roger, we're movin'.

What?

No way. All my memories are here.

Everything I ever cared about.

We're going to be rich.

Huh?

Let's blow this Popsicle stand.

What? You don't believe me?

Have I ever lied about anything?

[Skeeter whistling]

Oh, shut up.
What'll make you believe me?

Hey. How about my new house?

The house next to ours?

How nice.

[screaming]

If it's true, why don't you take us
inside your new house, Roger?

Well, okay.

Oh. I can't.

We haven't actually bought it yet.

[sighs in relief]

Hey, Funnie, you want proof? Just wait.

Let's all go call my mom.

She'll tell you guys. Come on.

[Doug] I decided even getting
my stupid haircut

was better than listening
to Roger be rich.

Roger rich, Honker Burger gone,

stupid new haircut,
stupid new school.

[gasps]
A new Smash Adams movie.

At least some
good old things never change.

[announcer] Smash Adams is danger.

Smash Adams is adventure.

[chuckles] Adams, Smash Adams.

Mmm. Smash.

[announcer] Now, Smash Adams is...

Wacky.

Ooh, my pants.

[screaming]

[shrieks]

This can't be happening.

Oh, man.

Let's see the new haircut, mister.

Uh-oh.

Douglas Yancy Funnie,
you go right now and get that haircut.

But, Mom, what if it comes out bad?

Douglas, you're not worried
about a little change, are you?

No.

-Doug Funnie.
-Huh?

Doug Funnie, did you hear the news?

Oh, no. You're going to tell me
something else has changed.

I don't want to hear it.

We were going to tell you
they announced

a Beets concert next month.

That's great!

Wait till I tell Patti and Skeeter.

It's their farewell concert.

What?

Didn't you read?

They're breaking up.

No!

[announcer] After 14 years,
the legendary Beets

are breaking up the act in acrimony.

Earlier today, the band held
their last press conference

to explain the cause of the division.

-Shut up!
-You shut up.

Don't tell him to shut up!

Don't tell him
not to tell him to shut up.

We're breaking up
because he's rude.

Don't tell me I'm rude.

Don't tell him
not to tell you you're rude.

Don't you tell him not to--

Okay, that's it. I quit.

Wow, they really hate each other.

You know, I don't think
I'd be able to take all these changes,

except for one thing.

What's that?

Soon we'll all
be back at school together.

Well, actually, Doug,

there's something
I've been wanting to tell you.

What? What? What?

I won't be going to school
with you anymore.

What?

No!

[Doug] Just when I couldn't
take one more change,

Patti said something
I didn't want to believe.

I said I won't be going
to school with you anymore.

How come?

I'm going to be doing home school
with my dad this year.

What?

Home school.

That's when you stay at home for school.
My dad will teach me.

[conductor] All aboard.

Bye, Doug. I'm off to home school.

Patti, don't.

What?

I don't want you to go.

What? I'm off to home school.

See you, Doug.

But, Patti,
what about your socialization?

It'll be great because I'll still go
to regular school

in the afternoon
for science and sports.

Are you listening, Doug? Doug?

I, um... Yeah, perfect.

Why can't everything
be like it used to be

here at our old school?

Come on, Doug,
they're serving magic mystery meat.

Don't forget the Beets concert
in homeroom, Doug.

Boy, this magic mystery meat
is delicious.

Hey, Mr. Bone, blow a bubble.

You first, good buddy.

Uh, Lamar?

-[both laughing]
-You win, Douglas.

-That's not how it was, Doug.
-Huh?

Mr. Bone was mean,
and you hated magic mystery meat.

You've changed, Skeet.
The old Skeeter would've said,

"Yeah, cool, man.
Whatever you say, Doug."

I'm going home. See you.

Okay, cool, man.
Whatever you say, Doug.

One more day
to my 12th birthday.

You know what the problem is?

Getting older changes everything.

Well, that's it.
I'm not changing anymore.

Ah. Oh, Douglas.

Didn't you get your haircut yet?

No time for hair, Mom.

I have an announcement to make.

[all] You're canceling your birthday.

I'm canceling my--

What? Yeah. How'd you know?

You do this every year.

I do not.

Don't you remember
when you were two?

You canceled
because of a dirty diaper.

And then five,
the infamous trike episode,

six, the clown, seven, the pony,
eight, Grandma Opal, nine--

[Doug] Okay, okay. You made your point.

[Judy] And of course, when you were 11,

you canceled it
because you didn't want

to move to Bluffington.

What if you got your way?

You would have stayed there
with your pals Arthur and Buster,

and never met your new friends.

Hey.

[gasps]

Ah. I didn't think of that.

Life is change, Dougie.

That's what makes us different
from the rocks.

Well, what about erosion?

[grunts in frustration]
You're impossible!

-And earthquakes.
-[Judy screams]

[Doug] Even though she's my sister,
Judy was right.

I'm not a rock.

Happy birthday, Douglas.

I'm not a rock, Mr. Dink.

Oh. Congratulations.

I'm going to do it.

Look out, Bluffington,
I'm getting my haircut.

Go get 'em, Doug!

All right, Doug.

[crowd cheers]

[Doug] Don't you wish
life was like this?

Come on, Porkchop.
I'm getting a haircut.

[Porkchop barks]

It sure is great to get everybody over
for Doug's birthday,

isn't it, Skeeter?

Wow, that's cool!

Great haircut, Doug.

And I like yours, too, Patti.

[chuckles]
Well, with all this talk about hair,

I decided I was due for a change.

[horn honking]

Hey, losers, how's this for proof?

[all gasping] Roger? Whoa!

[Porkchop barking]

[coughing]

Oh, my dress!

[Doug] It was time for me to face
the biggest change of all.

Well, I guess this is the last time
we'll see each other, Patti.

What are you talking about, Doug?

Well, you won't be in school anymore.

Only in the mornings.

I'll be there every afternoon
for science and sports.

I told you.

Weren't you listening when I explained
about half-day home school?

Uh, of course I was.

That's what I meant, mornings.
[sighs in relief]

Great. Well, I guess I'll see you.

-Mmm-hmm. Right.
-[laughing]

[sighs] No more Beets, Doug.

You know, Skeeter, life is change.

That's what makes us different
from the rocks.

What about lava?

Change can be great.

Like, Judy will be
going to college soon,

and I'll get the big bedroom.

Here's my plan for it,
comic book storage,

a drawing table--

Doug, could you come in here?

We have something
important to tell you.

[Porkchop] Hmm?

[Doug] After this past week,
I was ready for anything...

I thought.

Well, to begin with,
your mom and I want you to know

we love you both very much.

What's going on, Dad?

Well, Doug,
[sighs] it's just that

there are going to be
some changes around here.

Like what, Daddy?

Your father's trying to tell you
we're going to have a baby.

[both gasping]

[yips]

Oh, Mom, that's great!

[Theda] Mmm-hmm. Mmm.

Whoo-hoo!

Way to go, Dad.

-Dad?
-I'll explain later, Doug.

By the way, Doug, don't worry.

We know how you don't like change.

So we'll use
Judy's room for the nursery,

and you can keep your old room.

Great.

[growls]

[Doug] It's hard to believe
I thought changes were scary.

Now they seem kind of exciting.

I guess change is
a lot like the ocean.

You can't stop it or control it,

but that doesn't mean
you can't enjoy the ride.

Just look out for the rocks.

[laughing]

Whoo-hoo!

[closing theme music playing]