06x73 - Garden

[bunniefuu]

Dad...
Where were you?

I've been outside.

I-I-I walked
around the park, twice.

You went for a walk?

Don't lie, dad.

No, I'm not lying.

I took a walk through the park
and it felt great.

You know the runner's high
you...

I forget, I don't know what
they call it.

Runner's high.

Yeah, lemme sit down for a sec.

Dizzy?

Man, I gotta...

You don't look well, dad.

Actually, you look
a little peaked.

What you're seeing as peaked
is just a... is a healthy glow.

I walked over 2 and a half
miles, Ben,

at brisk pace.
- Mmm.

I'm gonna try to do this
every day.

It's amazing how when
you get older,

walking becomes a hobby.

It's pathetic, huh?

Yeah.

Like, you actually can take
the stuff

that used to be just
necessities, like chewing,

mm-hmm.
And swallowing.

Hobbies.

All hobbies.

Ha ha ha. You know,
while I was out walking,

I passed by the
municipal gardens...

You know, the little gardens
on Jones Street?

It was actually exciting to see
what people are doing there.

You mean those little gardens.

Yeah.

I've seen people garden there.

I mean, I'm not quite sure
it's exciting,

but I've seen it.

Well, the idea of making
something from nothing is,

is what's exciting about it.

Dad, you seen those gardens
a hundred times.

Why, why now?

Six week ago, it was just dirt.

And now it's...
You know, it's still dirt

but there's things
peeking their heads out.

One walk.

You know what, Ben,
I think I'm gonna try that.

I think I'm gonna try and rent
my own plot.

You're gonna get one of those
plots and garden it.

Ben, you think I'm joking
but I'm actually gonna do this.

Having some rhythm in your life

and having some sense of
continuity,

hmm.
Is an important thing.

So, you think it'll be
a healthy hobby for you, now.

I'm not just talking about
what it means to me,

it's also... it's for you
I'm doing this,

because these things are
gonna grow

and hopefully some day you'll
take an interest in them.

Like, what do you plan
on planting?

You like veal?

- Hey, Laura?
- Yeah?

Do you know anything
about gardening?

Um, not really.

I'll tell you why I'm asking.

Because, you know
the city gardens

where you can rent space?
- Yeah?

I was actually thinking about
getting a little plot and...

Really?

Oh yeah.

I-I... actually, I'm gonna
do it, Laura.

I really, I'm looking
forward to it.

Dr. Katz, I just can't
imagine you, like,

digging in the dirt
on your hands and knees.

No shirt?

Does that help?

No, I really...

t*nk top?

No.

Pasties?

Eww.

Hi, my name is Mitch Hedberg

uh, I'm comin' in
to uhh see the doctor

at 11 o'clock appointment.

I'm sorry, what?

I mumble a lot.

Did you hear anything
I just said?

I don't own a cell phone
or a pager.

I just hang around everyone
I know all the time.

If someone needs to get
a hold of me

they just say "Mitch".

And I say, "What?"

And turn my head slightly.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I remember that day.

Hmm.

I bought a doughnut and they...

They gave me a receipt
for the doughnut.

Right.

I don't need a receipt
for a doughnut, man.

I give you the money,
you give me the doughnut.

End of transaction.

We don't need to bring
ink and paper into this.

I just cannot imagine
a scenario where

I would have to prove that
I bought a doughnut.

Some skeptical friend,

"Don't even act like I didn't
get that doughnut, man.

I got the documentation
right here."

You know on a traffic light,

green means go and
yellow means yield?

Mm-hmm.

But on a banana,
it's just the opposite.

Right.

Green means hold on,

and yellow means go ahead.

Right.

And red means...

"Where did you get
that banana?"

Hmm.

I opened up a yogurt
and underneath the lid

it said, "Please try again."

Because they were having
a contest, I was unaware of.

But I thought I might've
opened the yogurt wrong.

Or maybe yoplait was trying
to inspire me.

"C'mon Mitch, don't give up.

Please try again.

A message of inspiration
from your friends at yoplait.

Fruit on the bottom,
hope on top."

I eat a lot of sandwiches.

And sometimes I don't
want a sandwich,

and that's when I realize
everything's a sandwich.

Like, I ordered a salad
and they brought me a plate

with lettuce, cheese,
bacon bits and croutons.

It's a sandwich...
Some assembly required.

You know when you go to
a restaurant on the weekends,

it gets busy, so they gotta
start a waiting list?

Mm-hmm.

They start callin' out names?

They say, like,
"Dufrain, party of two.

Table ready for Dufrain,
party of two."

Right.

And if no one answers,
they'll say the name again,

"Dufrain, party of two."

But then if no one answers,

they'll just go right on
to the next name.

"Bush, party of three."

Yeah, but what happened
to the Dufrains?

No one seems to care.

Who can eat at a time like this?

People are missing.

You people are selfish.

The dufrains are in someone's
trunk right now

with duct tape over their mouths

and they're hungry.

Hey, Ben, guess what?

Umm...

I'll give you a hint.

Ok.

I'm on the waiting list.

You're on the waiting list.

For the gardens, Ben.

You're on the waiting list!

Yeah.

Congratulations.

How long did they say
you might have to wait?

Well... it could be anywhere
from six weeks to three years.

Well, I'm very happy, actually,
that you're on

because I have some good news,
too.

Now what's that?

Well, I bought you a whole
bunch of gardening equipment

at the garden supply shop.

Oh, great, great.

What d'ya get?

I just got ya, you know,
sorta the standard stuff.

I got you a garden bag...

Mm-hmm.

I got you some small garden
shovels, of different sizes

I got you one of those like,
it's like a fork,

a huge fork.

Oh, I know what you mean.
It's like um...

- That tears up the...
- The dirt.

- The dirt.
- Yeah.

You didn't get me any dirt,
did you?

I got you, uh, fertilizer.

I tell ya, fertilizer stinks.

Doesn't it say that
right on the bag?

I was wondering if you do get
a garden plot,

whether I can be the guy who
flies by

and sprays the insecticide?

You could be
if you had a plane...

Well, we'll rent one.
And a pilot's license,

and some insecticide.

Well, that's easy enough.

Well, I'll make some calls.

Uh, Matt Seigel here
to see Dr. Katz.

Could you have a seat, please?

Ok.

Y'know, I'm recently divorced
and I'm in a lot of pain.

Yeah, I heard.

What do you mean you heard?!

Well, you talked about it
on the air.

I did?

Yeah.

Oh, god.

But have you been
in therapy before?

There was a time in my life

when I was self-medicating,
doctor.

Right.

Does that count?

No.

Matt, what is the name of
your radio show, by the way?

Well, we call it
"Matty in the morning."

It sounds infantile, doesn't it?

Well...

It really does.

It sounds like a show,
a baby show.

It's awful.

I'm guessing you were probably
the guy who picked that name.

This isn't good.

Am I right?

Do you ever help any
of your patients?

You know, it's okay to take
a swipe at yourself

without taking one at me.

I know, I'm sorry.

That's another problem I have.

I find that I'm spiteful
and vengeful.

You wanna bring everyone down
with you.

Can I?

Dr. Katz's office.

It's Ben, Laura.

I know.

Laura?

Yeah?

Have you uh talked to
my dad today?

Well, yeah.

You know his new thing,
that he has a new hobby,

which is... he wants to get
a plot at the common gardens

and...
Right.

And like, you know...
Right, gardening.

What's wrong with that?

Well, I just think it's
a dumb thing and I told him...

It's not a typical hobby
for an older man, you know?

Well, actually, it is.

It is?

It's probably the most typical
hobby for an older man.

Gardening is.

Well, yeah.

- You're serious.
- Yeah.

I think it's more of
an older woman's hobby.

Oh, well...

If you wanna go see older men,
you go to the turkish baths.

That's more of a hobby
for older men.

Hmm, I'll try to remember that.

Matt, last week
you were telling me how

you feel somehow that
your connection with

your listening audience has
deteriorated over the years.

Is that correct?

Well...

It seems as though
the people that I meet

that are bright and insightful

don't care for me very much.

Right.

And yet I'm very popular
with the dullards.

Hmm... let's try
an experiment here, Matt.

This might help, I don't know.

It seems to me like

you're holding so much in
right now,

so much anger.

This is sorta the
psychotherapy equivalent

to the Heimlich maneuver.

If you stand up for one second,

lemme just push on this area
of you, right here.

Mmm.

I guess it did seem
a little odd,

all of the sudden gardening.

Exactly.

I mean, how did he come up with
gardening all of the sudden?

I'm thinking, something odd,
something curious.

Hmm.

So then, I go down to the plot
to check it out, right?

Yeah?

And ah-ha!

What?

Ah-ha, Laura.

Watson, I can hear you.

What, Ben?

Ah-ha.

Spill it.

Livingston, I presume, huh?

Ben?

Yes, Laura?

What?

All right, well I go
down there, right?

Yeah?

And shazam!

But I go down to the plot,
right?

Yes, and?

To the public gardens
by Jones Street...

And?

And I go check out the plot
he was looking at. Right?

And right at the plot next to
the one he's looking at, Gretta.

Who's Gretta?

An older, very distinguished-
looking Scandinavian woman.

Yeah?

Apparently divorced.

Blonde hair.

Very attractive, leggy.

Ohhh.

So I realized it had nothing
to do with gardening.

My dad just wants
to meet a woman.

Well, I mean,
what's wrong with that?

That's kind of sweet.
I mean...

That's ridiculous, Laura.

You don't go to a public garden
to meet a woman.

Well, where else are you
gonna go?

Well, you don't know where
she's been.

Well, she's been in the garden.

Look, it's just no way
to meet somebody.

I would've done it differently.

Well, Ben, I don't really
think that you're one

to be giving advice on
how to meet women.

In fact, I think that
it's a great idea.

I mean, kind of sweet and
romantic for somebody to be

willing to look foolish
just to get to know a woman

that they might be
interested in.

So, you'd be charmed by like
if somebody, you know...

You know the people who
tuck in their shirt

and then zip up after

and has a little bit of shirt
hanging out of the zipper.

That's charming, right?

Well, it can be.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, so, uh, flatulence...

Also charming, right?

Ugh.

Matt, I think your perception
of your listening audience

is skewed towards the people
who actually call.

So, you're telling me

that the people who don't even
have the strength

or the where-with-all
to dial the phone

are the actual core audience?

I think somebody who
calls in to talk to

a radio personality
is somebody who is very needy

and somebody who wants
to be the show,

they don't want
to hear the show.

Why are you fixated on
who calls radio stations?

I come here in personal pain.

I mean, are you fascinated
with my profession, doctor?

Not fascinated.

It's an interesting choice
you've made.

It's a lonely life, you know.

You sit in a little room,

and you talk to no one.

You're talking about now?

They're parallels I have to say.

Yes, it's true.

Dad, where you been?

I was at the garden.

I figured.

Were you in somebody else's
garden?

Well, some of the people
there...

It's actually a really nice
group of people

and some of them are showing me
a couple gardening tricks.

- Really?
- Yup. And uh...

Wait, a whole bunch of
people showing you

or just one person
in particular?

Well, no one in particular.

You know, it's a community
of gardeners.

- Right.
- Yeah.

- Was Gretta there?
- Yeah, she was there.

Really?
How do you know Gretta?

Ah-ha-ha!

Well, let's just say I was
at the gardens today, too, dad,

and I met Gretta.

Why were you snooping around
the gardens?

I wasn't snooping.

What did she say about me?

What do you mean?

Why're you so interested?

Well, because, you know...

I don't know.

Dad.

No, you said you...
You said you met Gretta.

Dad, the gig is up.
I know what's going on.

I know you like Gretta.

She's a perfectly nice person.

Why shouldn't I like her?

Dad, I guess I'm just proud
of the old man, you know?

You're going outta your way
to, uh, to meet a woman.

It's very chivalrous.

I'm not going out of my w...
I-I-I am gardening

and among my friends
at the gardens

is a woman named Gretta
who I find very good company.

- That's all.
- Mmm.

These people are very genuine,

very warm and uh...

So, how did it go
with Gretta today?

- Did you...
- Pretty damn good.

There's gotta be an easier way
to meet women.

I think I'm onto something
with this gardening.

I mean, it's not,
not why I'm doing it.

I'm not doing it
to meet women. But...

I mean, it's just so silly.

It makes everything look
so silly.

Like you're actually...

Going to go gardening just
to meet that woman Gretta.

Yeah.
It's funny.

Well, have you ever seen
a square dance?

That's crazy, too.

You're not gonna do that,
are you?

No.

People in a parade are cocky,
you know?

They think that they uh,
they've attracted an audience

but really it's just people
waiting to cross the street.

Right.

I could attract a crowd, too,

if I stood in everybody's way.

Hmm.

I got into an argument with
a girlfriend inside of a tent.

That's a bad place for
an argument.

Because then I tried to walk out
and slam the flap...

That's tough.

How are you supposed to express
your anger in this situation?

Zipper it up really quick?

I was standing by a door and
a security guard came over...

He said, "You're gonna
have to move.

You're blocking the fire exit."

As if there was a fire,
I wasn't gonna run.

If you're flammable
and have legs,

you are never blocking
a fire exit.

Right.

I like an escalator, man,

because an escalator
can never break down.

It can only become stairs.

Right.

There'd be no sign that says,

"Escalator temporarily
out of order",

just a sign that said,
"Escalator temporarily stairs."

I was working at the
Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas

and there was four comedians
on the bill

and we all had similar hair

because we were all using
the Riviera in-house shampoo.

Right.

It's 2-in-1 shampoo
and 2-in-1 is a bad term

because 1 is not big enough
to hold 2.

That's why 2 was created.

If it was 2-in-1,
it would be overflowing.

I think foosball
is a combination of...

Soccer and shish-kebabs.

Hmm.

Foosball ruined
my perception of soccer.

I thought you had
to kick the ball

and then spin round and round.

I can't do a back flip,

much less several...

Simultaneously with
two other guys

that look just like me.

There's something about
planting seeds

and coming back everyday and
seeing how they're doing...

Hmm.

- Nurturing...
- Mm-hmm.

It's the getting out
of the house...

- The sunshine...
- Mm-hmm.

The sense of community...

C'mon, c'mon, Katz, Katz,
what's the catch here?

What do you mean "catch"?

Why are you so suspicious
all the time?

You know, maybe Jonathan is just
looking for a nice hobby.

Thank you, Julie.

Gardening is definitely
something that can

relieve stress,
rejuvenate the soul.

Right, Jonathan?

No, no, I mean, sorta.

I mean, I'm doing it
for relieving stress.

See?

But, I also enjoy watching
this particular woman

digging up the dirt.

Hubba hubba.

Jonathan!

In fact, I think that's the part
that rejuvenates my soul.

I knew it, I knew it.
You're doing it for a woman.

Alright, so it's not about
growing anything.

You're just trying to get close
to this woman...

Well... and she has a
gardening plot there.

Yeah, she has a plot and um,

she's been showing me
a couple a tricks.

She takes the seeds,
she goes like this,

"Baby wants a new
pair of shoes."

Then, she puts them
on the ground.

She said a lot of it
is just luck.

Dad, I can't even believe that
you got one so soon.

Yeah, Ben, I feel like
I just won the lottery.

They called this afternoon
and my number came up.

Well, I thought you said
it was going to be

six months to a year.
Not...

Well, you know, I guess uh,
something happens

to open up a plot, you know?

Somebody leaves or dies
and then one opens up.

It's like an apartment.

I guess, I guess.

Or other people drop off
the list.

You know, they just don't have
the patience that I have.

So where is um...

- It's plot number 16, isn't it?
- 16.

Is that what it says?

It's right over here.

Wait a second.

This is your plot?!

No, that can't be that plot

'cause that's Gretta's plot.

That's right.
I remember.

It's gotta be some kind
of mistake, Ben,

because this is uh...

This is 16.

So, Gretta's apparently gone.

Yeah.

She must have left
or moved out, or...

Well, she wouldn't have
just moved out

without saying goodbye.

Are you hurt by it?

Of course I'm hurt, Ben.
I'm devastated.

Well, dad, you know what?
You could've...

It might as well have
happened this way.

I think it was easier on you.

Number 1, you don't have
to garden now...

True.

And 2, you saved yourself
from getting hurt later.

Well, you can't go through life
afraid of being hurt

because that way,
you won't know love.

You know, these relationships
have a cumulative value.

A little bit of love here,
caring here...

It adds up... to nothin'.
Ha ha...

At the end of the day,
you're home alone.

These are tough times for you.

Oh man.

I don't know what
you're gonna do

without all the walking
and the gardening.

I was thinking about getting
a um... a cactus.

What do you think about
that idea?

Well, we certainly have
the fertilizer.

Are you familiar with
the Rorschach test?

I've never taken one.

I know I'm familiar
with the test.

Well, the idea is,

I'm just gonna show you an image

and you tell me whatever
pops into your head

and there's no right or wrong.

Mm-hmm.

So, I'm gonna show you this

and tell me what's the first
thing that pops into your head.

The Harvard-Yale game.

-Huh.
- Now, this one.

Harvard-Princeton.

Um, what does this
remind you of?

Well, it's...
It's like a cave.

Some kind of a cave.

The batcave.

That's right!

Are you an only child?

No. Although...

I don't really have much contact
with my brothers and sisters.

But as a child, were you
competing with them

for the attention
of your parents?

Well, I like to feel
as though we all lost.

How many of you were there?

Three.

A brother and a sister.

Right.

Isn't it always like this?

Mmm.

Did you have a lot of friends
when you were a kid?

Yeah.

Interestingly I'm friendly with
a lot of my childhood friends.

You still maintain
relationships with them?

Well, that's the good news.

The bad news, I don't seem to
have made a new friend

since I was seven or
eight years old.

See, I don't know why
that's bad news.

It just says that
you are a guy who's loyal...

Right.

Who likes to take things
as far as they can go.

Mm-hmm.

And who can't make new friends.

I can't wait till
this session is over

because I have a roll of
lifesavers in my pocket,

and pineapple is next.

That's great, Mitch.

This shirt is dry clean only.

Mm-hmm.

Which means it's dirty.

Hmm.

I wrote a script and I gave it

to a guy who reads scripts
and he read it

and he said he really likes it

but he thinks I need to
rewrite it.

I said, "Forget that,
I'll just make a copy."

I go to kinkos, because Kinkos
is my favorite copy center,

if I had to pick one.

Mm-hmm.

Because they're open 24 hours.

Right.

That's great.

Like if it's 5 A.M.

And then I decide I need
two of something...

Sometimes I wake up in the middle
of the night in a cold sweat,

"Oh, man! Oh yeah, Kinkos.
No problem."

See, I'm a dreamer, man.

And when I was a cook,

I always worked with people
who weren't dreamers...

Like, I was cookin' at
this restaurant

and I put a hot dog on the grill

and my kitchen manager
came over, he said,

"Mitch, put the hot dog up here,

in the right-hand corner
of the grill.

So, in case you get a whole
bunch of orders at once,

you have all this space
available."

See, that's how I knew
he wasn't a dreamer,

'cause the day I give up
my dreams,

is the day I have
strategic grill locations.

Hmm.

A dreamer has a philosophy.

The entire grill is hot.

Oops.

You know what
the music means, Mitch.

We're gonna have to stop.
Our time is up.

Well, okay, that's cool.

I got that lifesaver waitin'
for me, man, you know.

You want one, you want...

You can have the one after
the pineapple.

Which will probably be cherry.

Which is everybody's favorite.

Well, I don't know if it's
everybody's favorite.

Aw, see man, you look at things
too deeply.

C'mon. Cherry's good.