05x62 - Ping-Pong

[bunniefuu]

What's the word I'm looking for?

It's oppressive.

Yeah, it's torrential.

But the word I was looking for

was "oppressive"

just like 4 days in a row

you think it's never gonna end.

It almost makes me

just wanna stay inside all day.

My dad used to say,
"If the rain keeps up

it won't come down".

Hmmm.

Not a funny guy.

Ben, I've gotta get going.

If it's for me, I'm not here.

Hello?

Uh-huh... sure,
he's right here.

Dad, it's for you.

Hello?

David Stannick!

I haven't heard
that name since uh...

Not only do I remember
what you look like

but I can picture your backhand
like it was yesterday.

You are?

No, David, I would
love to get together

it would be fun...

Maybe you want to
stop by the office

we'll grab a bite?

Reminisce... uhh...

We could do that,
but I have to warn you

I haven't played
in at least 12 years...

Competitively.

So, if you just wanna hit some

we don't have to keep score...

If you've been playing

and you're really
looking for competition

you should just go to the club
and try to pick up a game.

No, I think...

You, my friend,
are out of your mind.

You can rewrite history
all you want

but I can b*at you
with my eyes closed

just based on memory.

How about Friday at 5:00?
Will that work out for you?

Okay, David, I will
see you there.

Bye.

Oh, this guy gets me,
he gets me going.

Dad, you're all red!

Don't get me started.

What's wrong?

This guy really gets my goat!

Who was that?

Dave Stannick is this
table tennis player

that I knew when I was a kid,

and then again as an adult.

So this is an
old rival of yours?

Yeah.

I think I've seen pictures.

Yeah, he's not a photogenic man.

Neither were you.

Did you have to say that?

I'm sorry, dad, but there were


One was you,
one was David Stannick.

So, you're gonna
play this guy...

He wants to play me for money.

Has this guy been playing a lot?

Yeah, he still competes.

You can compete at your age?

How do you compete?

Oh, 'cause you
don't have to move

when you play table tennis.

Not correct.

Pretty much.

No! He...

It's a sissy sport, you know it.

Come here and say that.

No, it's not a
sissy sport at all.

In fact, the best
players in the world now,

I would match them head to head

against any
professional athlete.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Actually, dad, if you're
gonna get your ass whipped,

I wouldn't mind being there.

It's kind of a rough environment

the club.

You think it would be
a bad influence on me.

I don't want you to fall
in with some bad types.

Where is the club, Tijuana.

It's right above
the Ford dealership.

Ooh, that is bad.

Near an auto dealership.

And I also don't like you
to be around gambling.

But, are you gonna
gamble on this game?

Well, he thinks it's a gamble

I think it's a sure thing.

You have change for a $20?

Why?

I wanna put 10 bucks
down on David Stannick.

So your early experience
as an employee

was not satisfying?

Well, I was a temp.

And the bad thing was
I didn't have any skills,

so I'd go to the temp agency
and I would say,

I need to work.

I've gotta put
meat on the table.

And then they would say,

what can you do?

And I would say,

well, I can't do anything,

but I need to work.

This is bull,
I can't be walking around here

without a job.

I was a full-time
baby furniture sales person.

Uh-hmm.

Which, you know,
I didn't do too well

because I don't like children.

Oh, I didn't realize that.

Or babies, or the furniture
that they claim they need.

But still, it was good to
be bringing in some money.

Yes, and that
as a commission job.

I was always trying to scoop
the other sales people.

And one time,
a couple came in-

this would often happen-

a couple came in with a baby,

if I saw that another salesperson
was trying to nab them,

I would just grab them and say,

"Look, if you think,
he thinks your baby is cute,

I think your baby
is a-dorable.

What would you like?

This baby should have a
print campaign to b*at the band.

This baby is the baby
that's gonna sell tickets,

this baby needs
a stroller."

And then I close.

That is beautiful.

And then sometimes
I would take it too far.

How so?

I would say, "This baby makes
that baby looks like a ghoul

or a living gargoyle!"

Dr. Katz's office.

Laura!

Could you make it quick?

Uh...

I need the phone line.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to win
tickets to the opera

on the radio
and I need the phone,

I need all three lines.

You're trying
to win opera tickets?

Yes.

Really?

Yes!

Why?

'Cause I like opera,
it's "Aida".

Oh, Aida's on.

Yes.

I love that one.

Really?

What, Aida?

Yeah, what do you like about it?

Umm... the Aida
is great in it.

Do you know what opera is?

Yes, I think I do, Laura.

I grew up on it.

Alright, hold on.

I mean my whole early life
was formed by opera.

Can you sing me some?

I can do the theme from Aida.

Okay...

♫ Aida, duh,
duh, duh... ♫

And then all those women
come out with sparklers,

roller skate...

♫ Uh-uh, uh, uh
you're hot ♫

♫ Aida... uh-uh,
uh-uh you're fine ♫

Laura?

...and then when
I was a bus girl

my worst night was when
this old woman

came into the pie shop

and she had a piece of peach pie

and she seemed
very, very content.

Uh-huh.

And then the minute
she finished her pie

she puked it all up
right onto the dish.

But she had no reaction

like you know how when you vomit

it's sort of violent,
and you think you're dying

and you're sweaty and red?

She just finished her pie
and calmly vomited

all, right into the pie dish

and slowly got up
and paid her check.

And then all the waiters
looked to the new girl

that was me, and they said,

"We'll give you
an extra five bucks

if you clean up the puke."

I haven't competed
in so long, Ben...

And when I used to
play in tournaments,

I'd wake up nauseous.

I would throw up
first thing in the morning.

And now, I'm out of my shape,

I don't wanna hurt myself,

I don't wanna
embarrass me and/or you.

Plus the $50,000
is a lot of money

to play for one game.



Yeah, he called.

I would not play the
ping pong match for 50 grand.

How much is it for, really?

No, it's a lot of money,

I don't think you need to know.

Is it over a thousand dollars?

Bring some collateral.

You know, dad,
the way to b*at this guy,

is you gotta psyche him out.

And... uh... I can
help you with that.

You're not really far off

because a lot of it
is psychological.

Exactly and if you
can psyche him now,

a week before the match...
What you should start to do,

is start calling him
all the time.

Yeah?

Like every two minutes.

You call him, redial, call back.

And just hang up?

No, you just say,
"How ya' doing?"

Very calm, say, "How ya' doing?
How ya' feeling?"

"Hey, Dave, I just transferred
all of your money

to an account
in Switzerland."

No, that's not good.

"Dave, how ya' doing?"

Don't contrive anything.

"Dave, how ya' doing?"

"How we doing?"

"How we doing?"

Say that -
"How we doing?"

A little menacing.

And then, what I will do;

I will follow the guy around

wherever he goes,
wherever he eats

and I will put ground glass
in his food and he will die.

Ben, that's sweet
but really not necessary.

No, dad, I will
help you through it.

It's gonna be a difficult week.

I will get you to it

if you will help me through it.

You know what, I take it back.

Ha, ha, ha.

I hope you lose, goodbye.

You seem really
energized, Laura.

That's great to see.

Oh, I think it's because
this friend of mine

who's into all this
holistic stuff

gave me these energy crystals.

They're crystals that you
just put on a flat surface

and then you grind them
into a powder...

And then you take this powder
and snort it up your nose.

And it's amazing, I feel like

I'm gonna spend this session
talking about nothing

so get ready!
Ha, ha, ha!

I was standing in line
at a deli in New York...

Right.

And I often forget
how everyone includes you

in their lives in New York

and I was just standing
behind this woman

and she ordered a coffee,
and she says,

"I'll have a decaf coffee"

and the guy behind
the counter said, "decaf?"

And apparently that
opened the flood gates -

"Oh yeah, I can't have caffeine

my doctor says I'm
already too tightly wound

I can't have caffeine.

Please don't give it to me.

See, I pulled
my hair out one by one.

I pulled all of my hair out.

This is a wig.

I haven't been touched
since 1982,

decaf."

Hey, Laura?

Yeah.

Did you know Mozart wrote his
first opera when he was 12.

Really?

Yeah.

Fenita semplis.

Semplice.

Right, I was talking
about the French translation.

"The semplis."

Did you know that
Beethoven was deaf

by the time he was 16?

Did you know Verdi was
blind, had no legs?

Hmm.

Do you know Benjamin Britton,
the famous opera guy

just a head, no body whatsoever,

and he was also unfortunately
deaf and blind.

That's amazing.

A deaf and blind
mute-head.

That is like, overwhelming,

but that's the way it used to be

like 200 years ago
when opera was big.

You just went out, you did it.

Do you prefer lento or adagio?

What kind of a question is that?

Uh, it's an opera one.

It's not like something
that you choose between.

Alright, let me
make it easier for you.

Do you prefer
vegetable or split pea?

Split pea.

Me too,

do you like minestrone?

Not really.

Do you go to see
Verdi's Minestrone?

That's an awesome opera
with a big huge life-size

potato cube comes out and sings

next to the big huge
minestrone bean

and they want to get together

they're the same soup...

Oh, Ben... please,
don't start...

Because he's a potato,

she's a bean...

Alright, I know, I saw it!

Have you seen the
opera "Chicken and Rice"?

I was staying with my mom
in a hotel in New York.

Uh-huh.

And we shared the same room,

slept in the same bed,

because a good night's sleep
is for the idle rich

and my mom made
all the arrangements

so we had to be in bed together,

and we went out to dinner,
before we went to bed.

We were sleeping and
about 2:00 in the morning,

my mom turns to me and says,

"I didn't think that
salad was so great."

I'm like, "What are you
talking about?

The salad that you had


that wasn't good?"

"I'm just saying, I didn't think
it was so great."

Well, I'm glad you told me

but now that you've opened
the doors of communication,

you know what, I didn't think
my childhood was so great.

Now, gets some sleep
and stop spooning me.

Dr. Katz's office.

Laura, it's Luciano Pavarotti.

Hi, Ben.

It's Luciano Pavarotti.

Hi, Ben.

Not Ben, Luciano.

Say it with me.

No.

Did you win your ticket?

No, I didn't get any.

It's Luciano
Pavarotti again, just got in.

Hal-lo, Lao-ra?

Ughhhn.

Look, Laura...

Hallo, it's Placido
Domingo, is Luciano Pavarotti there?

Placido?

Si?

It's Luciano.

Ah, ciao, Luciano!

Ciao, Placido!

How are you
doing today, Luciano?

Good.

What are you doing today?

Not much, sitting around.

Watching the tube...
I'm losing my accent.

Laura, are you still there?

C'mon, dad, get up.

Ben, what is going on here?

C'mon, lets go!

Ben...

Are we ready or what?

Are we ready for the day?

What time is it?

It's time to get up,

it's time to start training.

My feeling is
that your reactions

have probably faded
over the years.

You're not the same man
you were 30 years ago.

You probably can't handle.

I'm sorry, I beg your pardon?

You don't have the same
hand/eye coordin-

Can you hear me?

Yeah.

You probably don't have the same

hand/eye coordination
you used to.

That's why I figured,

if I get you out and
start training you every day

you'll get the old
reactions back,

you'll get the
"Eye of the Tiger".

Uh-huh.

You'll get that spirit of...

Dad, you're sleeping.

When you say "young", Kathy,

how young do you mean?

I went out with one guy
that was so young

he still lived at home
with his parents.

His mom and dad
would encourage me

to just take him in.

Like a border and
also a slash/boyfriend.

I helped him
find his first apartment

and he got a bill
and then he handed it to me

with his wide eyes and said,

"What do I
do with this?"

I don't really follow.

'Cause he didn't
have a checking account

so he'd never
written a check before.

Ahh.

You'd think something like that
might be special

you know, between two people.

"Oh, our first check."

It was irritating.

So, that one didn't
work out so well.

How old was this guy?



Not.

So, you can do the math.

Right.

I guess what I really
need to look at is

the pattern of suitors I've had.

This other guy that
I went to Italy with.

I took a trip to Italy.

I loved it!

It is beautiful.

I especially
fell in love with Venice.

I thought it was the most
beautiful city in the world

and... my boyfriend
at the time, Neil

said that he thought that
what they should do in Venice

is that they should
drain the canals

because a lot of people probably
drop their sunglasses in there.

Do you know what I'm saying?

He didn't get it!

Ben, these are late.

How about a "Hi".

Hi, Ben, these are late!

Thanks.

Long time no see.

You're kinda overdue
for a visit if you catch...

What do you mean?
I was here 2 days ago.

Those late fees, you know

they are the lifeblood
of the Vic's Videos.

I mean... they're
our bread and butter.

I don't understand why you
charge a full night's rental.

Shouldn't you give
a discount break?

The idea of the late fee is that

it's a punishment, it's a fine.

It's a severe fine,
for a severe crime.

But is it that severe?

In the context of a video store?

Yes, it is.

Is it like m*rder
or anything like that?

No, not at all.

Not at all.

'Cause I'm usually not late.

It's 10 bucks.

Are you serious?

I'm serious, $10.

But, that's as much as I pay
for the videos to begin with.

I'm not gonna go over this.

You charge full rental
rates for late fees.



It's a little punitive isn't it?

A little punitive?

It's 100 % punitive.

Can't you put it
on my account 'cause I...

There's no account...
This ain't no country store.

I gotta rent this video, today.

Wondering if you have it in?

What are you looking for?

It's "Legends of Table Tennis".

Do you have a
table tennis section?

Of course we do.

We'd be out of business
by now, if we didn't have

a complete table tennis section.

Let me look that up
on the computer...

Oh gosh, there
was a quicker geek.

So, it's out.

I have "Myths of Table Tennis".

I have "Great Moments
of Table Tennis".

I have "Good Moments
in Table Tennis".

Yeah.

I have "Typical Moments
in Table Tennis".

I didn't know there'd
be so many choices.

My dad used to be a nationally
ranked table tennis player.

Wow!

Yeah!

Wow!

You're proud of your father!

He actually won
a lot of tournaments.

Oh really, tournaments,
that's nice.

Sounds like fun.

My father was in 'Nam.

I called this friend of mine
who now has a 4-year-old

and it's really hard
to talk to her

'cause every time I call
just to see what's up...

Hey, Carol, how's it going?

She goes, "Oh just a second,
Jacob wants to say hi to you."

Jacob, say "Hi".

Say "Hi", Jacob, say "Hi"!

Say "Hi" to Laura!

Say "Hi"!

Say "Hi", Jacob!

Say "Hi"!

I'm like,
"Oh my god!"

So at some point
I hung up the phone.

She called me back,

she goes,
"What happened?"

And I go, "Oh, that's
my daughter Katie.

She just
hung up the phone."

"Oh, I didn't know
that you have a kid."

Yeah, Katie, say "Hi"!

Say "Hi," Katie!

Katie, say "Hi"!

Well, that's why, Dr. Katz,

I don't think
I'm gonna have any children.

I'm just hoping to god
I'm barren.

I don't know if you're
aware of this, but...

Babies are very selfish.

It's just "Me, me, me".

Yeah.

And if you want a minute's
peace, they don't even care.

And they look at you like,

"Hey, feed me!"

And then they pull this
like passive/aggressive

"Oh, pick me up,
I don't wanna walk."

That's what being a
child is all about.

You are their caretaker.

My baby... will just
have boundaries.

Uh-huh.

I say there's a
week or two of coasting.

And then I have to set
some very strict boundaries.

But you cry easily?

Yeah, I do.

I cry more when
I'm in a relationship.

My boyfriend now complains
that I cry all the time.

He thinks there's
something wrong with me.

Which is insane of him.

Because he's...

He's the one
who's crazy, Dr. Katz.

Why are you taking his side?

No, I'm not...

He's a crazy person,

who thinks because
I cry at phone commercials -

but sometimes those
phone commercials are crafty.

They'll talk about
how if you can't get the person

you won't see 'em
and then they're in a field.

And who needs that?

Because what's sadder
than a field

because it
represents separation.

Why are you being so
condescending with me?

No, I'm trying to comfort you...

Oh, I'm gettin' heaves!

When I cry really hard,
I get the heaves!

Ohhh...

Ahh, that was cathartic!

Dad, stop pacing,
you're making me nervous.

I'm just trying to
keep my legs loose.

I hope you're not
gonna be too tense

'cause that's gonna
affect your game.

You gotta be on,
you gotta be loose.

I have to be very alert,

and I have to be willing
to commit to a sh*t.

That's my big fear.

You're talking fast,
you're all...

Well, because I'm
a little wound up...

Dad, dad...

Yeah.

Do this line of cocaine,

settle down...

I think what you
need to do is just sit

and focus for a little bit.

You've got all
this tense energy now.

Hold on one second...

Leah, hi!

I thought you d*ed!

She was one of the
best women players of all time.

Yeah, looks it...
Can tell by the hat.

This has gotta be a little
bit nostalgic for you.

Oh, god, Ben, you don't know...

All these ping pong paddles...

Old men.

It's the smells of the place

that is so powerful for me.

Yeah, I've noticed that.

It's just like an aphrodisiac.

You know?

But the women of table tennis

counter that effect.

But, dad, I want you
to get focused now.

Do you want to do
any breathing exercises?

Do you want me to
read you poetry?

No, what helps me is...

Would it be embarrassing
if I gave you a rub down?

Hold on one second,
I'm gonna take this call.

What are you talking about?

The guy said there's
a phone call for me.

Hang on one second,
I'll be right back.

Okay, I'll wait here.

Ben, some bad news,
he has to cancel.

He got called back
to the office.

Got cancelled?

Yeah.

You're kidding?

See that's the
difference between

being a professional
through and through...

Ahh...

And being a guy like Stannick

who is just a show pony.

Dad!

He's in it for the chicks,

for the glamour, for the ride.

I gotta be honest with you, dad,

I was sort of rooting for Dave.

I can't hear you.

Why not?

Hurts too much.

So, dad, you kinda
win by forfeit.

Lucky break.

Lucky break for Stannick,

he saved himself some
humiliation and $750.

That's good that you can
go home with that belief.

Too.

Yeah, and you can
come with me too.

No, I'm gonna stay.

How about if we play one game

and I'll give you
a 15-point head start?

You're on.

Okay.

I'm gonna whip your ass, Katz.

I hope you're hungry.

'Cause I'm gonna feed you
a steady diet of Ben.

Uh, dad?

How do you like your Ben?

We got backhand Ben
we got forehand Ben,

in your face Ben...