05x60 - Anniversary

[bunniefuu]

...and also, you should pick up
your jacket today at the cleaners.

Oh, that's right.

I just want to have
everything prepared

so we don't, at last
minute, forget something.

I'll pick up the pants, too!

I'm excited about this...
I'm very happy for Rachel.

Well, you love weddings.

I love weddings, I love Rachel

and I really hope she finds
happiness in this relationship.

Unfortunately that's
not gonna happen.

Yeah, but look, she
doesn't have to know that.

Well, I'm not
gonna say anything.

Especially not in the speech.

Are you planning
to make a toast?

I think I will, yeah.

But I think you're gonna
need to make a speech too.

Maybe we should go up together.

Okay, let's try one.

- Hi!
- Hey!

Hi, I am Dr. Jonathan Katz,
Rachel's my niece, my son, Ben...

Can I stop you right here, dad?

You don't have to be
so formal in a speech...

Okay, okay.

...be looser.

I would like to prose...
Propose a toast...

Oh man, you're drunk!

Yeah, but so is everybody else!

I think the wedding's
gonna be a lot of fun, dad...

Yeah, I'm sure it will be.

It's gonna be fun watching
you try and waltz with Rachel...

You know, when they call you.

No, that's not gonna happen,
because I'm gonna...

It is gonna happen, because...

You are gonna take
the place of uncle Morty.

No, I don't think that...

Well, who else is
gonna dance with her?

Well, maybe her husband?

No, the first dance
is traditional.

The father of the bride...

Yeah?

Which is you.

You mean, since
uncle Morty's dead?

Yeah.

This is where you come in Ben...

You're gonna
have to cover for me

and tell them that I
pulled a hamstring, okay?

Why? You just
have to dance with her.

See, the thing is, Ben...

I can't dance
in front of people, Ben.

I just can't do it,
it's like, uhh...

You know how some people
can't speak publicly?

Uh, ugh, uhh!

I said publicly.

Alright.

Well, I can't dance
in front of people, Ben.

I can dance at home,
and I can dance...

You've seen me dance!

Well, yeah, do you
know how to waltz?

No, I don't know how to waltz.

I don't know how
to do any dance.

The only thing that I can do,
even slightly, is the cha-cha.

I don't think that
would be appropriate.

Not if she's waltzing.

Hey, Laura, any messages for me,
anything that I need to know about?

No.

- Any wedding cancellations?
- No.

Any reprieves from the governor?

No.

- Nothing, huh?
- Nothing.

Okay.

Hey, what do...
What do I hear?

Sounds Brazilian or...

Yeah, I don't know,
just... music.

I love it, it's got
that crazy Latin feel.

Dr. Katz, isn't it
time for you to go to work?

Yeah, I'm just heading in there.

Okay, bye!

Where did you get that,
where did you get that music?

Oh, I just got it
at a yard sale.

You're kidding me!

No.

Wow. You don't have
any waltz music, do you?

No.

Okay.

I think the music
is distracting me, Laura.

No, it's not.

You checked?

I checked.

Okay, I'll give it
another try, but...

Okay, don't come out
until you've cured somebody.

Well, you may
never see me again.

Nobody gets cured
in mental health.

Should I tell them that,
when they come in?

No, I'll tell them.

So, it's your mother's style
that embarrasses you?

I'm nothing like her,
I've never looked like her,

I've always been thin...

My mother's like big,
Eastern-European peasanty-looking,

she looks like
if she lifted up her skirt

there'd be a huge brisket
underneath there...

Right.

And she's upset that
I'm in therapy, you know.

She's always saying to me,

"Talk a little less about me,
try to be a little more like me,

you wouldn't be there
in the first place!"

You know, and I don't
think that's true.

Well, that's not fair
for her to say that.

Every time I'm going out
with a guy I bring him home

and then he breaks up with me.

Hmmm.

'Cause the family...
They're crazy.

First of all, you know how they're
always loud, screaming, and yelling...

I bring this new person and they
all of a sudden turn British.

They're like, "Aarrghhh!"

He walks in...
"Oh, hello, how are you?"

My last boyfriend... I bring him
home to meet my family.

My mother starts grilling him,
she starts wearing him down.

"So, what do you do
for a living?"

And he said,
"I'm a musician."

"And?"

"And I have a band."

"Ands?"

"And I play guitar."

"Ands?"

And this went on for 15 minutes.

'Til finally I found out
that he once m*rder*d a man.

So maybe she's
doing me a favor, I don't know.

I don't know,
I always feel like,

men are simple
and women are complex.

Hmmm.

We love you guys, but we love
you in a patronizing way.

Like kinda like you
love the village idiot,

y'know what I mean?

I don't love
the village idiot...

I mean, I respect him...

I keep on trying to
figure out where to meet men

and I don't know
where to meet men and

my cousin Judy keeps
trying to get me to go

to one of these
Jewish Singles Organizations

and I can't do anything
that my cousin Judy does

'cause she's
one of these types...

She's a Zionist and
she's very active and involved

and she's always doing the Israel
folk dancing and taking seminars

and she's obsessed with her
judaism, it's sickening.

And she'll always call me up
with this seminar, like,

"Hi, Susie"...

And her voice is a cross between
Kermit and Julia Child.

"Hi, Susie, it's Judy,
we're doing a seminar,

sponsored by the
Jewish Women's Resource Center

and the Jewish
Historical Archives

on Zionism in the


♫ Jew Jew Jew Jew Jew Jew Jew ♫

♫ Jew Jew Jew Jew Jew Jew ♫

She's obsessed, you know.

And then she'll
come running to the house

trying to get us all
to sing these Israeli folk songs

♫ Zum gali gali gali, ♫

♫ Zum gali gali! ♫

Hey, Laura, do you
remember saying to me...

This is a while ago,

that if I ever needed you,
that you would be there?

No.

Do you ever remember
saying to me,

that maybe, if I needed you
that you might be there.

Nnn-no.

Well, the time has come,
I need you.

Oh, no!

I am invited
to my niece's wedding...

You need me to get a gift?

No, Ben pointed out that she's
gonna expect me to dance with her.

Yeah? So what's
the problem?

I don't dance, I can't dance!

I won't dance in public.

Especially the waltz.

'Cause I don't
know how to waltz.

That's the easiest
dance that there is!

It's easy if you
know how to do it,

but I don't know how to do it.

All you have to do
is just step and count.

I can step and I can count
but I can't step and count.

Would you, in your kindness,

give me one quick lesson
in waltzing?

Absolutely not!

Would you teach me
how to do the fox trot?

No!

Would you teach me
everything but the waltz

and then I'll figure out by the
process of elimination how to waltz?

Would you teach me
how to play gin?

Ron, Dr. Katz asked me to
talk to you about... payment.

Uhh.

We had some trouble with
your last check... it bounced.

No, they're fine,
the checks are fine.

No, it did, it bounced.

No no no, here, listen to this.

Hello, this is the
president of a bank

and I will verify
that Ron's checks are good.

Ron, that's a recording...

They're fine for him to use.

...of you!

He has plenty of money.

Hey, Ben, what are you doing?

Hey, let me ask you a question.

What's that?

Off-hand, how many videos
have I rented, overall?

I don't want to
reach for the computer,

but I could have look that up
and give you the exact number.

Really?

That's been so many videos

I assume I'm probably one of the
preferred customers now, huh?

I told you, we don't
laminate the cards here.

So it's not gonna happen.

How come you don't have like a "gold
member" or something that I...

This is not like a Blockbuster,
this is Vic's Video, pal.

I've never seen Vic, who is he?

You don't need to see Vic.

I'd just like to
see the namesake

of the video palace,
the guy who...

When you get to Vic's level,
you don't have to show up.

Have you seen Vic?

I haven't even seen Vic.

You've never met Vic?

I am not allowed to meet Vic

until I'm employed
here for 3 years.

Wow.

That's the only
reason I'm staying.

I actually got accepted to


But you just want to meet Vic?

I want to meet Vic!

I don't blame you.

Ron?

Umm... he's not here,
and uh, he sent me over.

Well, let me address this question to
the guy with the fake moustache, then.

Um-hmm.

How are you feeling?

I'm feeling fine.

Why don't I put on
something fake

and we can just do it that way.

Sure.

On the scale of 1 to 10,

how much help do you
think I need?

And how long before
I won't need any help?

I would say 8 and 6
respectively.

You all right?
You look nervous.

No, what do you mean?

I don't know, you're fidgety.

The thing is, Todd,

normally I'd just come down here
and I would look around...

Right.

And I would buy some
of the movie food...

Mm-hmm.

That you have so prominently displayed
all the time... which I love...

And maybe I would rent a couple
of, action videos for myself...

Today's not that day,
today's a different day.

Alright.

Today I'm here more for someone.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Uummm...

Did you want to
rent a p*rn movie?

No!

I mean, yes.

Listen, I gotta teach
a guy how to waltz.

Hee hee!
Yeahh?

No no, I really got to
teach a guy how to waltz.

Wow!

And it's my dad.

Mm-hmm.

Have you been to a wedding?

No.

- You should go to one.
- Really?

They're great,
everything's free!

You're serious?

Yeah, the food, the drinks...

Do you want to walk over to the
"Dance instruction" section?

You have a
"Dance instruction" section?

Yeah, we keep it
in a separate room.

It's right behind that curtain,
that soundproof curtain?

Why did you hide the
dance instruction tapes?

You'll know in
a couple of minutes.

I've read about this thing
where I can use a puppet

and maybe I can
talk through the puppet?

Yes, I know
something about that.

So I thought I'd use a puppet
anyway, so, here, I'll try it...

I really have nothing to say,

I really have
a hard time opening up.

Wait, wait a second, why don't
you speak through a puppet, too?

Then might help you out.

Sure, that might help.

Here, put this on.

Hello, I have
very much to tell you.

No, who is that
puppet talking to?

He's talking to you.

I guess, 'cause
you're Dr. Katz.

And is this conflict
of interest, Ron?

Ooohhh.

Are there things that the rabbit

wouldn't be comfortable talking
about in front of you?

Ah yeah!

What should I call you?

Umm, ahem... Ron?

My name is Ron,
and so is my name!

Okay, Ron...

Who are you talking to?

I'm talking to... any Ron.

I should...

Because last time we were here,

we were trying to talk about...
And it made you uncomfortable...

Your relationship
with your brother.

I don't... I don't have
a brother!

And you?

I do.

And how do you feel
about that brother?

Hmm, he's much bigger than me.

Mm-hmm.

He has legs.

Do you love him?

Yes, I do.

You can't assume that the puppet

is gonna get in touch
with your brother, Ron.

It's not fair to you,
it's not fair to your brother...

It's not fair to the puppet.

This is the one, man.

This is the best one?

I've heard nothing but
good things about this one.

I don't trust the
couple on the cover.

You know, I'll even
guarantee this one.

This has your
personal guarantee...

This is the beginner tape

which you might want to
start with, unless...

Well, for him, I think it
would be an introductory thing.

For me, I would
go right to advanced.

There's advanced
and there's pro.

But, this totally...
You have my guarantee

as long as you watch the
Charles Bronson tape afterwards.

I've felt manipulated
most of my life.

Mm-hmm.

Everyone around me
is very controlling.

Right.

Wait a minute, that's not true!

Shut up!

Hello, can I speak for once?

Alright, go ahead, geez!

I really don't have much to say.

See, Ron...

By the way it's my fault that
the tiny one doesn't say much

because that's not my fault,
it's the rabbit.

The rabbit has been nothing
but cooperative and resilient.

And to try to pin this one
on the bunny is wrong.

Can you draw a
diagram or something?

It's based on
¾ time...

Right.


and then 4 measures in a phrase

so, there's 4 steps
until you come around

and get back to
where you started

and you start over again...
It's so easy.



It's like you're talking
another language to me.

Okay, just listen!

I can't really understand.

Just listen to me!

I see your lips moving,
I hear sound...

I'm gonna put some tape
on the floor, watch me.

Yeah?

See the tape?

Right.

And just,
step 1-2-3 foot,

feet apart, feet
together, feet apart...

Follow the tape around...

It just looks like tape to me...

Just keep counting,
you're not counting!

So, I mean, you know,
I was dating this guy

and he broke up with me,
do you feel bad?

Sure, sure I do.

Don't, 'cause he's dead now.

No, he's not, but his voice
is a couple of octaves higher

than it used to be.

Do you ever run into
an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend

and you think to yourself...

"Was I in a deranged
psychopathic dementia?"

Was I in a complete
psychotic state

when I was having sex with this man
every night, twice on Fridays?"

Ohh, ahem...

Or, I get his really
scary moment

where I ran into
my ex-boyfriend

when I look at him
and I think...

"I talked baby talk
to this man!"

It's so mortifying!

Yeah.

The last guy I was
going out with...

Remember this Italian guy
from the Bronx?

I used to get turned on
by the weirdest things

like, the way he talked,
I'd get turned on

he will call me up
and say stuff like...

"So, I'll be over
your house at tree."

And this would turn me on.

And I would race home, to
listen to my answering machine.

To see if I had
messages from him,

so that I could analyze every
nuance of how he felt about me

and I'd listen to the messages
over and over, 15, 25, 30 times

and I get messages
from him like this,

"Hello Sue, this is Joey, I hate
this freakin' answering machine

I'll call you later, awright?"

"It's Joey, I hate this freakin'
answering machine,

I'll call you
later, awright?"

"It's Joey...

Wait Susie, do I
have to hear it 30 times?

What do you think
he really meant by that?

All the couples in
my family hate each other

like my aunt Sylvia
and my uncle Ben.

They've been married
like 50, 60 years...

And they think it's normal
to speak to each other

in this despicable way.

They hate each other
and they don't even know it!

Like they'll be having
a conversation...

Aunt Sylvia will be on the phone
with one of her girlfriends...

"You know, Gloria,

it's very sad to
find out that your son

wants such a
mutilating operation..."

What the hell's the
matter with you, you moron!

You can't find
a lousy sock?"

These are my role models.

Hello, Laura.

Why are you walking like that?

I'm just gliding...
Walking on air.

Oh.

Life is a dance, Laura.

Yeah?

We get one go-around
and then, uh...

Why do you have your
pants pulled up so high?

I hiked them up.

Why?

Better movement.

I learned that in
the waltz video.

They don't say "Hike your pants
up", but all the guys...

Yeah?

Have their pants hiked up.

No, but the guy with
the thin moustache said...

Don't ever listen to a guy
with a thin moustache.

Look at him on the box cover,
smiling like he's happy.

Wow!

You can tell inside, he hurts...

Hmmm.

He feels pain too.

I think it's 'cause
his pants are hiked up.

Yeah.

Hi, dad!

Always a pleasure!

I got good news for you!

Really?

Well, I got something for you

that I think is gonna
help you get through, uhh...

Through the wedding
and through the dance.

Oh? I can prescribe
that stuff.

Ha ha ha!

No, what are you talking about?

I rented a waltz tape
at the video store.

Oh, Ben, that is so sweet, you
didn't have to do that for me.

I watched the tape,
I'll tell you something:

The waltz is...
It's not an easy dance.

But, based on
what I saw in the video,

it's umm...
Easily learned.

You just have to commit.

Yeah.

I've played both parts...

The boy and the girl...

Mm-hmm.

And I'll tell you,
I don't like to lead

but umm, you gotta
watch this tape.

Ben, really, you've going above
and beyond the call of duty.

I set up the apartment...

Mm-hmm.

I cleared out the furniture
from the living room...

So we got room to move...

Bought new speakers
for the stereo,

so we can kick the waltz loud...

This is a tricky one for me...

Between the time
I saw you this morning...

And this afternoon...

Mm-hmm.

Laura taught me how to waltz.

What?

Laura agreed to give me
one short lesson on the waltz

and that's all it took.

Really?

And I now know how to waltz.

So I really appreciate
the effort you made.

So Laura taught you
how to waltz?

It never occurred to me
that she would agree

to teach me how to waltz

but we struck a deal,
and now I know how to waltz.

Hmm, I'm happy for both of you,

I'm glad that
worked out for you.

Thanks, Ben.

It's nice to, uh...
Strip someone of their dreams.

Hey, look, I'm sorry, Ben,

I'm sorry that you made
this trip for nothing.

Yeah.

But I will see you at home

and we can have
a nice evening together.

That's true.

I hope when it comes down
to it at the wedding

when all your waltz lessons
with Laura has to come to bear

right there on one moment,
with all the pressure,

I hope you fail!

Thank you!

Yeah, and I hope you
embarrass yourself and Rachel

and everyone at the wedding...

But me, I know how to waltz!

Yeah!

'Cause I watched the videotape.

I didn't take some half-assed
lesson with my secretary.

Does this mean that
we won't be watching

"Deathwish" 1 through 5?

No, we're still doing that.

Y'know, I think it's my mistake

when I book that
many people back to back.

I feel like I'm
cheating my patients,

and I'm cheating myself, y'know?

Yeah, that's great, dad.

But nothing that
a little 3 hours of

"Deathwish" 2, 3, & 4
wouldn't cure.

Yeah, I don't feel like
watching 'em tonight, thanks.

I think I'm gonna go to my room

and maybe watch
the waltz video again.

Ben, clearly there's
something going on here,

are you still mad about...

No, you can watch
the videos... the Bronson.

I feel like I'm slinking
around, like I cheated on you!

Well, I guess in a way you did.

I mean, I went... made an effort
to teach you how to dance

I thought I was gonna be
part of the process,

and then I was just cut out.

Summarily, cut out!

Well, Laura made me an offer
that I couldn't refuse, and...

What do you mean, "an offer"?

I asked her if she could
teach me how to waltz,

she said no, and then
we started negotiating

and she came up with what I
thought was a very fair deal.

You mean, you paid her
to teach you?

Of course I paid
her to teach me,

you think she's gonna
dance with me for nothing?

She made money out of this deal?

She made a couple
of bucks, yeah.

How much?

Well, when you factor out
how much time it took her, $200.

Wow, she knows what she's doing!

She knows what she wants
and she knows how to get it.

She can milk everything
for everything.

Plus I wasn't allowed
to touch her.

Oh, dad I would'a touched!

This might sound crazy,
but do you have tapes?

I do.

We both know how to waltz.

Why don't we just
put on some music

and really just cut loose!

I think it'd be a
nice way for us to make up

after this little tiff.

You mean every time we get into
a fight now, we're gonna waltz?

Not every time!

But every time we get into a fight
about waltzing, we should waltz!

Ha ha ha!

Dad, watch the hands, alright?

You're ridin'
a little low there.

Ouch!

I'm sorry.

Ouch, 2, 3, is what I mean.

You're not letting me lead.

Laura didn't teach you
that well, did she?

Laura also didn't
have 2 days growth.

I'm dipping you right now.

Oww!

Can I practice leading
just for a minute, Ben?

Because that's what I'm
gonna need to do with Rachel.

Ummmm?

Please?

Let's talk about...

Putting back together
the pieces of your life

because when you
came in here 6 months ago

you said you wanted to try
to rebuild your life.

Alright, let's do it!
I'm ready.

Ummm...

Actually I've been trying to build
my confidence a little lately.

That's a good start.

And how have you
been doing that?

Well, I've gone around
and collected testimonies

of various people
who think I'm funny...

Let me play one of them for you.

And is it just funny, is that where
you get your strength from...

People who think you're funny?

What about people who think
you're kind or loving or caring?

Oh, I don't care about that.

Just funny.

Okay, let me hear what you got.

Hi, this is
Oprah Winfrey, I want to say that

I think Ron is a very
funny individual and...

I would have him
on my show anytime,

and I think he does a great job,
keep it up, Ron!

That's Oprah Winfrey,

and you might know this person.

Mm-hmm.

Hi, this is Bob Hope, Ron.
Keep it up. Very funny!

That's Bob Hope.

He's the man!

Sounds a lot like you, Ron.

Ha ha ha!

Well, you might...
To listen to this person...

Yeah.

Ron, this is president Clinton,
president Bill Clinton, uhmm...

You know what the music means,
Ron, our time is up.

Thank you very much for
making our country laugh.

Oh, Hillary wants to say "Hi".