05x57 - Alderman

[bunniefuu]

Ben, what are you...
What are you doing?

We're gonna have to put off
breakfast this morning, dad.

And why is that?

'Cause I gotta get this
furniture rearranged.

Uh-huh.

To better center
the energy in this room.

What are you talking about, Ben?

I've been reading up
on feng shui.

Yeah, I saw the book out.

The whole idea here is
to get this kitchen re-ordered

to be better suitable
for spiritual energy.

I'm gonna need you to move over
a little bit to the left.

Yeah, can't we do this
in a little while, Ben?

The first step to
total enlightenment is uh...

Furniture rearrangement.

That's what this feng shui
stuff is all about.

That's just some guy trying
to sell you some furniture.

I sense you're reluctant
to get into this...

No, I just would like a cup of
coffee, is what I'm reluctant.

I'm much more interested in
eastern and western philosophy...

After a cup of coffee.

'Cause, for me, that
is when life begins.

Maybe you should wait in the other room
while I get this together and then uh...

Okay, I'm just gonna grab a
cup of... where's the coffee?

The percolator is
in the refrigerator now.

What I needed to do
is get the toaster

and some of the pots and pans

more relatable
to the refrigerator.

'Cause they're not
hitting it off?

Well, their energy was not good.

And I would love to
take the shelving down.

You know, I'm
excited that you've

found something
you can cling to.

I just think that I've tapped into
something that's more meaningful.

I just wish it wasn't such a trendy
thing, this feng shui thing, you know.

It's not necessarily trendy,
it's been around for uh...

Over 3 years.

This book was
published in 1987...

I know it's based on ancient...

And Chinese culture
goes back hundreds of years.

No, Ben it goes back
much further...

You know, dad, there's a lot
about "chi" in this book.

What is chi again?
Remind me.

It says chi is a uhh...
Cosmic breath.

Yeah.

Speaking of
cosmic breath, dad...

Mint?

Brush your cosmic teeth!

Oh god, I'm kinda nervous!

This is my first time
at a marriage counselor

I couldn't get my wife to come
with me, so I guess uh... whew!

I'll just tell you what's up.

I've been married
about a year and a half

and I have to say, just the
marriage process alone

was terrifying to me.

Things like the bridal registry.

Which is?

This is... where you go into
a department store

and basically sign up for the things
you want your friends to buy for you!

I find that creepy!

It's a very polite, socially
acceptable way of saying

"We love you, we want you to come to
our wedding and celebrate our day

but we don't trust
your crappy taste.

Therefore, please peruse this 25-page
computer print-out from the pottery barn!

Item 2472-Z might make
a good choice... in green!"

So the wedding itself is over,

how is the marriage going?

My wife has been bugging me,
and bugging me, and bugging me

to get a second cat.

She is terrified that the first cat is
going to become jealous of the baby

and somehow k*ll it.

So she wants to get a
second cat to distract

our first cat from
k*lling the baby.

Maybe I just have
a more cynical world-view.

I think this would just provide our
first cat with an evil henchman.

"Okay, you distract the two
humans, I'll k*ll the baby!"

"What do you mean distract them?

You gotta be more specific!

What do you
mean distract them?"

"You can spray, believe me,
they'll go running.

I will get the child!"

I love having a baby...

Yeah.

What I am looking forward to is when my
child goes through "the cape phase".

That is gonna be so cute
where they have to wear a cape...

Usually a bath towel
around their shoulders

and they wear it everywhere

and they're wearing a cape,
they're Batman!

You know, I went
through a big cape phase

there are pages and pages
of my family photo album

where I've got...
The cape on!

And that's where parents have to
be their most understanding!

I remember an
uncle of mine had d*ed

and I wanted to wear my cape...
To the funeral!

Why not? Why wouldn't you
wear a cape to a funeral?!

And I remember my mother being
so understanding and saying,

"Well, uncle Ed, has passed away
and he's gone up to heaven

and people are gonna be
very sad, okay?

They're gonna be crying, okay?

We have a word,
called 'inappropriate'.

I think it would be
inappropriate for you to wear

the superhero cape
to uncle Ed's funeral."

And that doesn't fly...
That's not kid logic.

So I just exploded at her.

"Mom, I am 16-years-old!

Don't tell me what I can
and cannot wear to a funeral!

I'm trying to find out
who the hell I am, okay?

If you need to talk to me
I will be in the batcave

a.k.a. My room!"

Dr. Katz's
office.

Hi, Laura,
it's Ben, how ya doing?

Okay, bye!

Wait, wait, wait!

I know this might
surprise you, but uh...

I'm very into feng shui.

Oh, really?
Me too, actually.

Really?

Uh-hmm.

You know what it is?

Yeah.

I said feng shui.

Maybe you thought I was
saying something in English.

But it's a Chinese thing.

I know!

It's an eastern Phil...

I know!

So you know that
it involves furniture...

And moving objects
in order to uhh...

Maximize your tranquility?

Uh-hmm.

Did you know about the contentment
stuff and the Yin-Yang?

Do you know about that?

Uh-hmm.

Have you heard of umm...
Mao Tse-Tung?

What?

Mao Tse-Tung,
he was a Chinese leader...

Hmm.

Yeah, I knew about him too,
he's in the book!

Huh.

So if you know feng shui,
you must know about ling tang?

Did you just make that up?

Yeah!

But honestly, you strike me as someone
much more western than eastern.

Really?

What about your apartment?

Did you have your apartment
set up like that?

Uh-hmm.

You do?

Yep!

I should come over
and check it out because uhh...

I can tell you what maybe,
what you did wrong.

I don't think it'd
be a good idea, Ben!

Yeah?

I think it would
disturb my tranquility.

Well, listen, I am uh...

Getting together
a feng shui study group

tonight at uh...
My place at 8:00 o'clock.

I don't know if
you want to come by

and we could exchange some uh...

Um, I don't think so.

Some ideas and maybe meditate.

Do you do origami?

That's Japanese!

Chinese checkers?

No!

Just checkers?

No!

You ever play "bloody knuckles"?

I gotta go.

- Dad!
- Yes!

It's Ben!

Lay it on me!

I bought some stuff today
for the apartment!

That's...

I bought a beautiful
center table

which I think is going to really
fix the living room space.

I didn't didn't notice that there was
anything wrong with the living room space.

What happened was,
the table that we have

was too high and
it was cutting off energy.

You mean the antique
wooden table in our...

Was that grandma's?

Yeah.

That's gone!

Okay.

I bought some wind chimes
and two flutes.

Why just two flutes?

'Cause uh, in the book,
apparently 2 crossing flutes

signifies prosperity...
I think!

Also I bought a...
One of those fake fountains

you plug it in and
the water runs constantly.

A urinal!

That is not a urinal!

Have you been talking to Laura
about this, Ben, because...

I spoke to Laura about it, and Laura
knew exactly what feng shui was...

Feng shui.

I can't believe I'm correcting
your pronunciation of this thing

that I don't even know about.

Dad, it doesn't matter
how you pronounce it...

It's if you believe in it.

Oh I believe!

Then it's gonna work for ya.

I believe to a tune of about a
thousand bucks at this point!

Dad, I have not
racked up that much money!

Well, the day is young!

Well, I'm on chapter 2...
There's 34 chapters left.

This place is
gonna be way different!

Dad, I'll tell you something,
this stuff is so powerful

this could change
my life forever!

Just by moving a couple of
pieces of furniture

I could be uh...
Much more spiritual.

I mean I'm telling you, I broke
a table I already felt better.

Maybe that's not really
feng shui though.

That's just the pleasure
in breaking stuff.

I have that.

Well, how are you, Harry?

You know, I woke up
with this really uhh...

Feeling of being afraid.

Uh-huh.

Is that a good thing?

Whatever gets you out of bed!

Well, I wasn't afraid of bed.

Yeah?

Let's come back to the dream,

because I think
that's worth exploring.

Yeah, umm...

Have you spent much
time in therapy?

I had six years of a different
form of analysis, yeah.

How would you characterize that?

My uh, my analyst...
He was more uh

verbal than a lot of analysts.

But I mean, I shouldn't...

Then you listen
to people on the radio

and those therapists
sound very verbal

so I guess there's a middle...

You don't do radio?

No, I don't,
they're in show business

they are often abusive
to the people who call in.

I've noticed that!

Yeah.

But you have a
show business side too.

I've seen your act!

Are you talking about
"Koppleman 'n Katz"?

Yeah, wow...
I've seen that.

Well, Harry,
that was 20 years ago

we didn't really know
what we were doing.

I mean...
That was good!

I'm not... folk is not my
favorite genre, exactly

but I thought that you sort of
escaped the limits of the genre.

Yeah.

What do you uh...
What are you saying?

Well, it's limiting... because
any sign of craft is suspect!

Yes!

And you know, what you brought
to it was a sense of craft.

So there was a "faux kind of
craftlessness" that masked the craft.

Well we, ahem, we used umm...
Craftmaskers, which helped.

But I mean, do you get...
Anyway, we should be...

This is so inappropriate
of me to let you...

No, I know,
I-I-I'm so... I mean...

The dream was like...

Scary but, I'm not scared!

Right!

Let me ask you, Harry, the first
time you saw Koppleman 'n Katz

when was it exactly
and what were you feeling?

You know, I-I'm
a little embarrassed

that you know about the
existence of the band.

Oh, believe me, it's
embarrassing for me, because

I have this feeling that any existence
of you outside this room is...

Is embarrassing to me.

Yeah.

I have this fantasy that you stop
existing when I leave the room.

Well traditionally, I shouldn't really
exist in your mind, outside of this room.

But it's difficult, Harry, when you've
achieved a certain amount of notoriety

to maintain a low profile.

Are you talking about me?

No, actually I was
talking about me!

Oh!

See I think that my problem is

that I'm... that respect
we were talking about?

That's why I got
into show business

and I don't think you can get
respect for being in show business.

Well, see,
I-I disagree.

I think... I have an
enormous amount of respect

for anybody who makes their
living in show business.

It's such a competitive...

Didn't you guys do a song that
sort of sounded like "respect"?

Yeah, we did, I think I know...

I think I know the song
you're talking about.

That's so astute of you because not
many people picked up on that.

When you spelled out... what was
the word you were spelling out?

"Respectful".

Uhm... yeah.

Geez, no one has ever noticed the
similarity between that and "respect".

Huh... that's probably
just out of courtesy.

Good manners are so important.

Listen to this, dad...

Huh?

Dad?

Wind chimes?

Um-hmm.

I bought a lot of wind chimes!

But we don't really have
a way to put them outside

so I hang 'em inside.

Well, open the window a cr*ck.

I bought some fans...

I tell ya...
It's total contentment.

It's all about
enlightenment right now.

You know the
kind of enlightenment

that we can afford
on your budget...

Is fluorescent...
Enlightenment!

'Cause those things
last forever!

When you come home tonight

you're gonna feel a
palpable change in your chi.

You don't know
what chi is, do you?

I know exactly what chi is.

You explained it
to me this morning!

It's my essence!

That's right!

And my essence is gonna
kick your essence's ass

when I get home!

Hi, Laura!

Hi, Ben.

Let me greet you in the way
that I now greet people.

You dropped sweat on my desk!

Yeah.

To the fool, life is a
series of unrelated events

unresolved gestures,
unrequited love...

I don't know
what I'm talking about.

I'm just regurgitating
that book all the time now!

But I'm really... I'm getting
into the feng of the shui.

I see you changed the office
around a little bit.

Um-hmm.

Moved the coat rack, that
should be over a little more.

Don't you think?

I don't think so.

It's funny how people's ideas
of fang shui are different.

Fung shway.

It's funny how the way they say
it is different too, sometimes.

Like the right way
or the wrong way.

Right, and it's feng shui...

Depending on...
You know...

I just get this feeling that
some people's ideas of feng shui

are better than others,
and mine is better!

Ben, it's not a competition!

Well, I did the apartment over,
have you done your apartment?

Yeah.

Do you have a lot of plants?

Yeah.

You have a fish bowl?

No.

Huh, I do!

Ha ha, yup!

Where is it?

It's in the kitchen next to
the toaster, where it belongs!

Hmmm...

Do you have wind chimes
in your apartment?

No.

I... I have a whole bunch
of wind chimes!

Do you have crystal balls?

No.

I don't have those either!

But as far as I'm concerned,
that's dumb.

That's like, too "New Age".

Um-hmm.

Which way is your bed facing?

It's facing... east.

Dumb!

Ha ha!

So obvious!

Are you keeping
track of the score?

I won!

I did!

I'm better!

I am!

I'm more at peace with myself

than you'll ever be
at peace with yourself!

I am so much at peace
that I'm about to fall asleep!

I'm doubly as at peace!

You're getting upset!

Takes one to know one,
way more tranquil!

Totally content!

When I was a young buck,
a young swinger in my 20s

I didn't understand why
people would get married!

Why would you shackle yourself
to another human being

with no possibility of escape
for the rest of your born days?

And then I got married,
just a year and a half ago

and after I'd been
married six months

I fell down and broke
both of my arms!

That's why people get married!

Right there!

I'd hope to go another...


without ever having
to utter the sentence,

"Honey, I'm done, wipe me"!

'Cause I don't care
how cool your roommate is

most of them won't go there!

"C'mon, dude, just wipe me!

I broke both my arms, c'mon!

Get all mad...
C'mon, wipe me!

Dude, you suck,
I hate you!"

And my wife... the sweetest
woman in the world...

Actually said this to put me at
ease, you know I'd say,

"Honey, I'm so embarrassed,
this is so weird, I'm so sorry.

I guess you can file this
under 'for worse', huh?"

She actually said to me,

"Tell you what, after your casts
come off, you can wipe my butt."

"Well, let's not
go off the deep end, honey.

This is not about
me being jealous

that you get to wipe my butt

and I don't get to
wipe your butt.

It's not like I'm
sitting there going,

'Man! Some people
have all the luck!'"

Yeah.

That is the kind of thing

that can be pulled out
as a Tr*mp card

to end any and all
future arguments.

"Well, honey, I don't think
you're respecting my needs!

Well, what about the time
I wiped your butt for 4 weeks

after you fell down and
broke both of your arms,

you clumsy oaf!"

"Alright, enjoy the Caribbean
with your male friends!"

Ben was telling me...

And this has to do with
this feng shui stuff...

Hey, hey!
What did you say?

Feng shui!

Feng shui!

Ha ha ha!

Hey, feng shui this, okay, pal?

Feng shui!

He's doing it...
And actually

I'll tell you who else
is into it, is Laura.

Really?

Well, this could have
a positive social benefit!

In other words you think he's
gonna get chicks out of this?

Maybe it's... uh...
What do you do?

You just rearrange
the furniture?

Is that what you're
doing with this?

Well if it was that simple

they wouldn't call it feng shui!

Does it involve like uh...

Sort of a tantric
sexual type of thing?

I don't think so... what does
that mean tantric...

Tantric sex,
that's when you uh...

Your do it over
long stretches of time

and uh... sleep
is involved at times

and maybe a sandwich...

Yeah, right.

But I-I come home from
work and Ben says to me

"Dad, do you know
that we're all blind men

touching different parts
of the same elephant?"

Wow!

What the hell did
he mean by that?

It's an interesting
way to look at things

that none of us know
what life is about and...

But somehow we're
all connected...

But somehow the experience is...

Like Julie said...
We're all connected!

Nice!

But the thing that connects us,
that I didn't realize

was this big elephant!

Ha ha ha!

It works because we're all
dealt different hands in life.

Boy, is that true!

Did he say which part of the
elephant he was a-touchin'?

No, but ever since he read that

he washes his hands
like 20 times a day.

Oh, god!

Geesh!

Dad, you
hold both in one hand, not...

I have never been able
to master the chopsticks, Ben.

And I'm sick of
apologizing for it!

I tell you something, I was
thinking more in terms of

when we're gonna have
an eastern breakfast

that you wouldn't
serve me Rice Krispies.

I was thinking more like,
just a bowl of rice.

Honestly though, dad, well,
you read a book like this

and you start thinking more
about things spiritual...

I do think about
what happens after we die

because I can't
believe that this is it!

Yeah.

I know that my body
is not who I am.

Right.

But if you're looking for me?

I'm over here.

I gotcha!

Y'know, dad, I was thinking...

About this feng shui stuff...

That you're
probably right about...

You can't make radical
changes in your philosophy!

Right.

I mean there
was a reason that I...

I have a particular uhh...

Type of ummm...

Mindset?

Well no, I just umm...

I grew up as...

I can't...
Think with these things!

I don't know if this is the time
to bring this up, but umm...

My god-daughter's
birthday is coming up...

Mazeltov!

Thank you and umm...

I was wondering if you think
that giving her uhh...

"Learning to tie
your inner shoe"

is an appropriate gift
for a 9-year-old?

I think that's a perfect gift,
she's just the right age.

Hmm.

And I would be
delighted to sign one.

Well, you don't have to do that.

It'd probably would mean
a lot to her someday.

The book!

A signed copy...

Oh, a signed copy, yeah!

You know, I've been in
show business a long time

and I feel almost ashamed to
still be surprised by the idea

that people's public persona
are so radically different

from who they really are.

Whereas I feel like...

Well, I don't
have a public persona.

Maybe that's my problem.

If you had to describe me
based on my public persona,

what would you say?

I would say...
That you're uh...

See?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean but that's just the
first thing that popped into...

No, I know, that's the problem!

I think it's because
what you do is so unique that

it's so hard to describe.

But we're just
talking about persona?

Yeah.

Yeah, you don't have one!

I haven't done
my homework, I apologize!

No, no, wait!

Don't put yourself down,
because...

In "the me no one knows"
you talk about

the concept of reverse
transference, don't you?

I broached the subject.

I don't remember whether
I go into it in depth...

You can broach it now!

Well, reverse
transference is uh...

Are you familiar
with transference?

Uh-huh, it's
where I love you.

That's right!

Well, I think
my affection for you

is what they call
reverse transference.

Really?

Yeah, which is different than
"I'm rubber, your glue".

Sometimes I feel that
I'm not made for this century.

It's such a...
Such a nasty time.

People get mad
so easy, you know...

A light turns green
and instantly... honk-honnnnk!

Everybody goes from like zero
to like 70 on the anger meter

in the snap of a finger!

I wish I could go back...
Like a century

go back to like
Charles Dickens times, you know

the 19th century, where the worst
thing you could say to anybody is,

"Good day, sir"!

That was the worst!

Some guy gets in your face and
starts giving you a hard time

"Hey, you caught me off
at that red light

what are you trying to do, pal?

Where did you
get your license?"

You just give them that look
and you say, "Good day, sir"!

"What? Hey, I'm not
through with you yet, I'm..."

I said "good day!"

Hey, you know what that means?

I know what it means.

Our time is up!

Ha, haaa!