03x27 - Studio Guy

[bunniefuu]

Oh, jeez, that's awful.

That is awful.

Yeah, it's just...
It's a tragedy, you know,

but at least she lived


No, I know not all of them,

but, hey, nobody lives...

The eulogy?

Yeah, no, I would be
glad to do that for you,

and please let us know

if there's anything
at all we can do.

Yeah, we will be there.

I promise you that.

Okay.

Thank you for calling.

Dad, who d*ed?

I can tell by the...
By the hysterical laughter

someone in our family just d*ed.

I don't know why this
happens every time.

Yeah, I remember the last
laughing fit you had.

Oh, god, I'm sorry.

- Estelle.
- Oh, Estelle d*ed.

Who is she?

What are you talking about?

- Morty's wife.
- Who's Morty?

Morty is my
second cousin once removed.

Twice removed.

That's too far away
from me, dad.

I don't think I've ever met
Morty or Estelle, have I?

They used to come over
Thanksgiving, passover.

Anyway...
Oh, that's too bad.

You seem so upset.

Well, we were close,
we were very close.

Very close to
hysteria there for a second.

Why do you laugh at
somebody else's demise?

I don't understand that.

I mean, I do...

There's something about...
One minute they're alive,

and the next minute
they're dead.

It's like slapstick.

I hope you're not upset.

I mean, you look it.

Well, I'm a little upset.

She was... when I was a kid,
she was there for me a lot.

When both of my
parents were working,

she very often would
pick me up at school

and bring me home.

And Morty is
somebody I'm very fond of.

You know, he was... Morty is
a very worldly guy.

If that's what
incontinent means anymore.

But there are services...

There are services
the day after tomorrow.

Y'know, the Jews are...

Are obliged to bury their dead

within a certain time frame.

Yeah, I know, dad, I'm Jewish.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know the rules.

Thanks for reminding me.

I know, but I remember you
threw out the manual.

Okay, let me... all right,
let me phrase it this way...

Let's put it into the
hypothetical, okay?

Let's say Dr. Katz
was gonna have a party,

and at this party he was allowed

to invite one of his patients.

Do you think that I would...
There was any chance at all

that I would be the one
patient he would invite,

or do you think I would be
in the top-five patients

he would invite,
or do you think he would

say something like, "No, he's
not coming"?

Is that...
"He's not gonna be there."

Which of those do you
think would be...

So I haven't been...

I'm very frightened
of doctors and dentists.

And my sister went to
this acupuncturist,

which was pretty cool,

but he was a doctor,
but he missed these signs

that she had diabetes.

I mean, she had all these signs.

I mean, she was, for example,
she was craving Insulin.

And then she would collapse
after eating a Lifesaver,

and still the doctor still
didn't get it at that point.

Hmm...

Tell me the whole
thing again, Andy.

I went out with this woman
for two months,

and then we didn't have any sex.

And I asked her, "Why aren't
we having any sex?"

Which is always
a good come-on line.

And she said, "I can't have
any sex with you, Andy,

because I'm impotent."

I said, "Impotent?
Don't you mean frigid?"

And she said, "Sure,
whatever it takes."

"That too."

"Yes," is what she said.

"All righty, then."

I can't get enough
of the women, though.

I can't get any of the women.

So I think you can see...
My process of elimination...

I can't get any of them.

When I was a kid,
I hated musicals.

I couldn't stand...
When I'd go to the theater

and there'd be a musical,

and I hate in musicals
when they tell you

what they're gonna do.

They always say,
"We're gonna dance and sing

and do everything."

Well, then, go ahead and dance
and sing and do everything!

It's like those
rock groups in the early '60s.

They would go, "We wanna
rock 'n' roll."

Well, go ahead
and rock 'n' roll, then.

You've got the instruments
and the amplifiers.

Who better than you?

Maybe I'm a little
too upset about this,

but it's starting to
stick in my craw...

Wherever that would
be located in my body.

That's right next to
your druthers.

I used to have an
agent and a manager,

and then I had a lawyer,

and I used to pay some guy 2%...

I would call him up,
and he would say,

"It's not you, Andy.

This business
is screwed."

For 2%.

And it was well worth it,
is how I felt about it.

Well, you're in
a business, Andy,

where representation
is critical.

You need to have people who
have your interests at heart.

But do you think it's a bad sign

if you're talking to your lawyer

and right in the middle of
talking to him

your lawyer says,

"Hey, look, I'm no
legal expert"?

Is that good?
Is that a bad sign?

Not necessarily.

Dad, it's just that it's gonna
be a little awkward for me,

'cause I haven't been to
a funeral since I was 12.

So I'm a little out of practice.
I'll cover for you,

because I've been to
three funerals this year,

and I'm not a "mourning" person.

Well, just go to bed
early tonight,

and you'll be able to get up...

It was a joke, it was a joke.

Oh, you mean it was a bad pun.

Mourning for... right.

Puns aren't really good or bad.

They're just puns.

Well, don't defend 'em, dad.

Maybe you're just not
a "punny" person.

That's a bad pun!

You slap in the face now...

Pun, you're going to
your room right now.

Pun-ish me!

Well, don't pun-tificate.

Just punt, punt.

Hey, Laura?

Yeah?

I'm gonna be in a little late
tomorrow morning.

Oh, me too.

Well, I have to go to a funeral.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Katz.

Well, thank you.

And it's gonna be a tough one,

because this is my third
funeral this year,

and I'm not a mourning person.

Is that a joke?

Uh, yeah.

I don't think that's appropriate

at a time like this.

Do you think it's a bad joke

or just an inappropriate
time for a joke?

Both.

You can only choose one.

I'd have to go with bad joke.

That hurts.

Well, let's try and pick up

where we left off last time,
Margaret,

because I thought
we were making some progress.

Tell me about your family,
about your siblings.

Everyone in the family was fat.

I used to have to hide in
the bathroom to eat.

They'd all be at the door

trying to get in to get my food.

"We just wanna
wash our faces."

It was like
The Night of the Living Dead.

I'm telling you, it was
a very scary childhood.

My mother has home movies

you gotta be 18 to get into.

There's one of a barbecue,
if you look real close,

you can see Hitchcock
sitting at a picnic table.

Odd.

Weren't you talking last time
about your uncle Joe?

Oh, uncle Joey?

- Yes.
- Jeez.

Ate nothing but food additives.

He was always real shiny,
like a sausage casing.

You'd just wanna
stick him with a fork.

You knew a fennel seed
would come flying out.

Disgusting human being.

Couldn't get a
sentence out without belching.

"So, Mar...
How you doing?

Jeez, you're...
looking good."

"Yeah, you too,
uncle Joey."

Yeah, shiny guy.

But it's good that you're
getting out.

You're seeing people,
you're taking chances.

I went out to dinner with
a marine last weekend.

He looked across
the table at me and he goes,

"You know, I could k*ll you
in seven seconds."

I go, "Oh, I'll just
have the toast, then."

I like him, though,
'cause he fights.

Everywhere we go
he picks a big fistfight.

- I love fights.
- Really?

I don't like the actual fight.

I like the loose change on
the ground afterwards.

But you find yourself
drawn to the macho types?

Big, strong guys?

Of course, I don't
like hairy guys, though.

I went with a hairy guy...
He'd get in the bathtub,

it would look
the sewer backed up.

All that fur floating
on that water.

Made me wanna snap
a cigarette butt in there.

Where do you meet these guys?

I mean, do you go to bars?

Bars... I hate bars.

'Cause I don't
drink or smoke, you know?

Guys coming up to me...

"Hey, cupcake,
can I buy you a drink?"

I'd always say, "No, but I'll
take the 3 bucks."

Then they wanna know my name.

I say, "Margaret."

And they always go, "Ah, what
do you like to be called?"

Like Margaret's a crummy name.

I go, "Oh, just call me Bubbles.

I'll give you a name,
you little weasel."

You know something?

I used to actually be
very uncomfortable

with the idea of being buried.

I thought I wanted to be
cremated,

but then there's
something very...

There's a certain
kind of symmetry

about regenerating life with
the decaying of your body.

That's disgusting, dad.

I'm not saying
we should do it today.

Does he accept gifts at all?

Would it be inappropriate
to find out

when Dr. Katz's birthday is?

And do you think sending
a present

would be an appropriate gesture?

That's the kind of decision
you will have to make

about your father someday.

About what...
How you should be buried?

Whether I should be buried
or cremated

or who knows
by the time I die...

I think you should make
the choice, dad,

about the way
you wanna be buried.

Well, I'm telling you now.

I'd like to be buried nicely.

I can't afford that.

Remember when uncle Phil d*ed?

Yeah.

Yeah, that was great.

Okay, when you're saying
to me, "Get away from me,"

now, are you talking to
me as a patient,

like this area
is not for the patients?

Or are you saying...

Are you saying,
"Andy Kindler, you,

you get away from me"?

Dr. Katz's office.

Hey, Laura.

- Hi, Ben.
- It's Ben.

- How you doing?
- Fine.

- How are you?
- Hanging in there?

Good.

- What?
- Good.

"Hanging in there," I said.

Oh, I thought you meant
you were hanging in there.

Oh, no, no, no, it's
an expression.

Like I would say,
"Hanging in there?"

And you would say, "Yeah."

You have to put more of
a question mark at the end.

Try it again.

Hanging in there?

Yeah.

Me too, me too.

My mother came out
to California.

"California's very nice, Andy.

San Francisco was lovely.

The hills I could have
lived without,

but the people were
courteous and well kempt."

She gets off the plane,

she's reading
from the tour book.

"Andy, did you know
San Francisco

is the fifth-largest
textile manufacturer

in the early 20th century?

Andy, I would like to
visit Sausalito.

Can we go to Sausalito,

a small fishing village north
of the Golden Gate Bridge,

nestled in lovely Marin county?

Can we go to Sausalito?"

Actually, it's kind of a tough
time for the Katz family.

I don't know if you've heard,

but my aunt Estelle d*ed.

Oh, right.

Were you very close to her?

I didn't know her.

I mean, my dad told me
I met her a couple of times,

but I don't actually remember.

I think my dad
was kind of close.

Is he overly upset today?

Uh... not really.

Well, he should be.

He was trying to
make a bad joke.

Well, the thing about this

is I have to go to
the funeral tomorrow,

and I'm not exactly a mourning
person... you know?

Right, that was the one.

The one what?

The bad joke
that he tried to make.

Oh, oh, he told you that.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I wrote it,
he just tells 'em.

The thing is is that
the comedy boom is over.

It's very depressing.

I mean, this is the field that
I've picked for my life

and it used to be that
everybody wanted a comic.

In the mid-'80s,
if you could say,

"How you people doing?"

You could make like
$100,000 a year.

Well, but now you're
doing other things.

You're branching out,
you're writing comedy.

My whole trouble is
I can't focus.

I'm supposed to
try and write a script

or something like that.

So I wanna write a script,

but then I figure maybe I'll
take a nap for a couple hours,

get things stirred up that way.

Then I start to write

and then I notice that Newhart
is on Nick @ nite.

So how can you
not watch Newhart?

And then I start to write again

and I realize that
dragnet is very watchable

when you're trying to avoid
your obligations.

Here's my impression
of a network TV executive

during World w*r II.

"Look, I don't
like h*tler either,

but he's very, very popular.

He does very well,
he has a lot of energy.

He scores very well with

the 18-to-49
men-who-hate-Jews category.

We're skewing it that way.

They buy a lot of products.

What do you want me to do?

They buy the brown shirts,
they enjoy the riding crops."

Hey, when was the last time
you bought a suit, Stanley?

Uh, a couple of years ago.

You know what size you are?

- Yeah.
- What size?




See, the last time
I bought a suit,

I was a 38 short.

And I went and I tried on
a 38 short,

and I could get
one sleeve in, essentially.

Oh.

Y'know, I'm a little...
I have a little more fullness.

Gotten a little heavier.

Well, I've filled out.

I've bulked up a little bit.

You know what's a good thing
to do for that?

It sounds outrageous,

but go for, like,
a higher number.

Like, instead of 38,
go to a 40 or a 42 or...

Well, this is what
I was gonna tell you,

is this woman who was
selling me this suit...

She kept saying to me,

and she was belting it out
in front of everybody...

She says, "Well,
the problem is, Mr. Katz",

you're a portly gentleman.

If you wanna wear a 38,
you have to wear a 38 portly."

Is there really a portly size?

Apparently, but I am not...

Would you ever
describe me as portly?

- No, never.
- No.

- Never.
- No.

No, I'm not a portly guy.

- No.
- No.

So I said, "Stop it."

You said that to her?

- I said, "Stop it."
- Good, good.

I don't need that.

She was probably projecting...
Was she portly?

No, she was svelte.

She was made out of felt?

Did I say "felt"?

Sometimes when women
get really aggressive

it's really that they're kind
of, like, coming on to you.

Sometimes some women do that.

They get, like,
really aggressive,

and then they're testing
you to see if...

How far they can push you?

And see if you like that,
basically.

If you like being bossed around.

Does it always mean that?

'Cause women come on to me
like that a lot.

No, it doesn't always mean...

No, it doesn't always mean that.

What about when
they ticket your car?

Is that, is that...

That's a come-on.

Man, I fall for that every time.

Y'know, those salespeople...
They hate their jobs.

I remember the last
job I ever tried to get

in the normal work force.

A guy told me
I had to wear high heels.

I said, "Well, I'll wear
the high heels,

but I'm gonna need
a handicapped parking space."

I like that one store,
that Ann Taylor.

They're a little
pushy there, though.

They get in there, they
follow you around.

Rush me in and out
of that dressing room.

I get in that dressing room,
I like to stay a while.

It's nicer than my apartment.

So I'm in there, like,


She comes knocking at the door.

I go, "What?"

"You've been in there a while.

Are you okay?"

I opened the door a cr*ck.

I said, "No, could you
get me some toilet paper?"

What does she think
I'm doing in there?

Oops... Margaret, I'm sorry.

You know what the music means.

We're gonna have to stop now.

I know our time's up, but...

Nope, gotta go.

I think I got designs on you.

Bye.

What did you just say?

I think I'm in love with you.

Bye!

Wait, wait, wait,
this is some...

I mean, I wish you
had said this earlier.

Well, then we would have
had to talk about it.

But we do need to talk about it.

Well, okay.

But we can't do it now
because our time is up,

but we have to talk about
this issue next session.

I think you should
chip in half, though.

Why is that?

If we're talking about
our relationship,

isn't that a couples session?

Well, technically,
but it's really more about

what we call transference
in this business.

Don't worry... I'm not gonna
stalk you or anything.

Well, that's good.

I mean, it never really
crossed my address... my mind.

Never... I never addressed
that issue in my mind.

But I really...
I have to get going now,

because I never go
directly home.

You know what I mean?

I don't know
why I'm telling you this.

So now what exactly
are you gonna say?

I was gonna ask you.

Y'know, I usually try to
open with a joke.

But I don't
think I'm gonna today.

No.

I think what I'm gonna do

is I'm just gonna talk
about Estelle, y'know?

Yeah, that would be a good
person to talk about.

It is her funeral.

That's true.

I gotta acknowledge her somehow.

Yeah, I would say touch on her.

Hey, Ben, isn't that cousin
Sheila's husband Larry?

You remember him?

That's the guy that used to
put on the magic shows

at the family gatherings.

Right.

He'd make me be his
lovely assistant, y'know?

Yeah.

I hope he doesn't try to
saw the casket in half.

Dad, don't make us laugh.

It's not right, not here.

Oh, man.

This is a depressing event here.

I don't care what anyone says.

And I haven't even done
my eulogy yet.

I think they're sorta...

They're... asking me
up to the...

Yeah, you're gonna
have to go up now.

I'll stay here.

Unless you want me to be
your lovely assistant.

Nah, that's all right.

All right, you go up.

- Knock 'em dead.
- Okay.

Okay!

When I first heard
that Estelle had...

When I first heard that Estelle
had passed away...

Can't hear in back.

Ben, if you can't hear me,
come a little closer.

I'm sorry, folks.

When I first...

No, I thought of...

When I first heard
that she had passed away,

I thought of her life,

and Estelle had...


And by my
count that's... 92 great years.

I'm sorry... I lost
my place here.

I remember her
love and her laughter.

And her love of laughter.

Mayday, mayday.

Estelle was a remarkable woman.

She... in her lifetime she
accomplished so much

and did so much
for so many people

in her 92 years,

which, if you break it down,

it's really...
It's not that much,

considering how long she lived,
but still...

Wrap it up.

She did a lot...

Oh.

I know what the music means.

Oh, dad.

How'd I do?

I thought for sure you were
gonna turn it around,

but you didn't.

I mean, I've never heard
a eulogy before,

but I think it's safe to say

that that was the worst
eulogy ever given.

At the afterparty
we're splitting up.

That's all there is to it.