04x20 - My Feral Lady

[bunniefuu]

[whistles]

[quacks]

DUCKMAN:
It looks like
I'll never remarry.

Sure, I had a few
close calls

but I've given up now.

Beatrice was the only woman
who'll ever love me.

So until they figure out
a way to bring

her worm-ridden decomposed
corpse back from the dead

or Pamela Lee's daughter
reaches the age of semi-consent

whichever comes first.

I'm afraid I'm destined to be
a Siegfried without a Roy,

a Roy without a Dale,
a Dale without a Chip.

[bells playing
"The Wedding March"]

I scream, you scream,
we all scream

for mail-order brides.

Hey. Aren't you
Terry "Duke" Tetzloff,

the con man
who almost k*lled me off

with a defective
home security system,

buried my mother-in-law
when she wasn't dead

and, uh... did that
other bad thing?

The answer is yes,
but the best is yet to come.

Mr. Duckman, are you currently
experiencing

a gut-wrenching solitude

that has turned
your every waking moment

into a living hell?

Kind of.

And you've no doubt
tried countless

fruitless activities
to fill the void--

phone sex?

Yes.

Sex with phones?

Yes.

Creamed-corn wrestling?

Yes.

Colonic irrigation?

Bought a new garden hose
this morning.

Well, congratulations.

You qualify for
our pre-su1c1de discount.

In this truck lies
the fulfillment

of all your needs.

A heavily sedated
Cindy Crawford?

Ah, the grail.

No, no, Mr. Duckman.

My operation caters
to a clientele

willing to forego
the superficial charms

that normally make
bridal purchase
beyond the reach

of a pathetic loser
such as yourself.

By using a rigorous
screening process

which eliminates all but
the most desperate women

we're able to bring
direct to you, the consumer

these virtually
uninfected marriage partners

at popular prices.

Mr. Duckman, behold.

Woman!

Here they are--

a second-to-some
collection

of factory-serviced models
at prices so low

you won't believe
they're not rubber.

Listen, Mr. Tetzloff, I'm not
normally a stickler for...

what do you call them...

Federal immigration laws?

Whatever.

But is this nookiemobile
of yours strictly legal?

Let's leave
the brain-teasers

like that to the judges
and juries, shall we?

All you have to know is that
just by listening this long

you've qualified
for $50 in matri-money,

good on any item
purchased within
the next ten minutes.

I don't know,
I'm kind of low on scratch

through the end
of the millennium.

I hear you, brother.

At the warehouse,
I've got a demonstration model

I've been saving
for my personal use

in the event
my own dear wife cacks.

I'll even throw in a lace teddy
for your first night of passion.

Well, I am desperately lonely.

Tetzloff,
you've got a deal.

By the way,
I'm a size eight petite.

♪ Buddy, that's us ♪

[applause]

Kiddles, what's
the one thing

that's missing
from your lives?

An adult male role model?

Dental checkups?

A better understanding
of ortho-molecular compounds

and their effects
on human physiology?

Or a new dolly.

How's about
a new mother?

Yes, our long national
nightmare is over.

Please join me outside

as we officially welcome
to the family

Mrs. Duckman the Second.

Oh, I don't understand.

How could you find
someone to marry so fast?

Tetzloff waived
the credit check.

Come on.

[machinery clanking]

[growling]

CHARLES:
Is that Mom?

DUCKMAN:
She likes an entrance.

But worry not.

I've been assured
she's a real people person.

[snarling]

[screaming]

[electrical crackling]

May God have mercy
on your souls.

Is she full of
energy, or what?

She's a k*lling machine.

Is Mommy the Antichrist?

Duckman, your bride
is frightening the children.

[howling]
Hey, hey, hey, now.

She must be cold,
hungry and scared.

If we give her a little
kindness and attention,

she probably won't k*ll
anyone else.

Ajax, go see if you can
calm her down.

A-okay, Dad.

No. Duckman, I don't know
what's going on

but none of us are getting
anywhere near that thing.

Fine. I don't care how she looks
or how she acts.

This is my chance for happiness,

someone who's mine
and mine alone.

So if you guys are so scared

of a poor, frightened,
enormously powerful young girl

I'll just talk to her myself.

[growling]

That didn't make you want
to prove me wrong, huh?

Honey-lamb?

Boopsie-boo?

[crashing]

[screaming]

What a woman!

[growling]

So, let me see
if I understand the premise.

Duckman's gotten himself
a mail-order bride who's feral?

What girl isn't
a little jittery

meeting her fiance's family
for the first time?

We just got
to break the ice.

Yeah, before she breaks
our spines.

Hmm. What is that odor
wafting through the air?

Could it be the scent
of big, fat stinking jealousy?!

Fine. We'll let
the kids meet her next.

Sure thing, Beastmaster,

but give us a few minutes
to get ready.

I have to smear myself
with steak sauce.

You guys
are pretty quick to judge.

But did you ever stop to think

that inside that scary,
rage-filled creature

may be a caring, sensitive
human being?

[howling]

Okay, a caring, sensitive
human-canine hybrid.

What's important is

that she's
legally obligated

to stay with me for
the rest of my life.

However long she lets me live.

That's right.

And I happen to think there's
a tender, beautiful woman

in this house
just waiting to be discovered.

What a nice thing
to say about her.

I was talking about me.

[crying]

[door closes]

Duckman, the problem is
that in her current state

your fiancee appears to be
completely inaccessible.

Only somewhat completely,
Cornpopper.

You see, after our initial
little misunderstanding...

You mean when she crushed
your rib cage?

I arranged to get
a closer look at my angel

while she's distracted
by eating.

What will she eat?

[doorbell rings]

BOTH:
Hello, Mr. Duckman.

We were in the middle
of our walkathon

to save
endangered walkathons.

So we hope this
won't take long.

Shouldn't take
long at all.

Fluffy, Uranus,
meet my new wife.

BOTH:
Hello, Mrs. Duckman.

[roaring]

[Fluffy, Uranus screaming]

So, let's kibitz.

[grunting]

[roaring]

Look at her, Corny.

She's so...
what's the word?

Horrifying, bloodthirsty,
savage, barbaric.

I mean, lovely.

She's obviously come
straight from the wild.

Note the curvature
of the spine,

the predatory eyes,

the complete lack
of language skills.

I think I'll call
her Kathie Lee.

There's not much we can expect
in the way of interaction.

I doubt she has any experience

with the subtleties
of human communication.

[growling]

She said hello!

Somehow we have to gain
Kathie Lee's trust.

The first step
is to get closer.

Hold this meat
in your hand

and stand
a few feet away.

She's hungry.

She'll take it

and she'll begin to think
of you as a friend.

[sniffing]

Hmm.

[growling]

[Duckman yelling]

♪ ♪

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Remaining sane

is mainly quite a pain.

Unh-unh-unh-unh,
unh-unh, unh-unh-unh-unh.

It's no use, Corny.

I'm afraid
she'll never know

the joy of finding
just the right words

to things with
but having says she do.

Um... yes.

I mean, no.

She will, but it will take
kindness and patience.

Oh, Kathie Lee,
Kathie Lee,

will you ever speak
to me?

What the...?

Did she say something?

Well, I was working on
some other things earlier.

What the hell
are you staring at?

She's got it!

By George,
she's got it!

Piggering!

Just listen to her!

What the hell
are you staring at?

Now, once again,
what is a pain?

Staying sane!
Staying sane!

And what is
staying sane?

A pain!
A pain!

[clears throat]

Excuse me.

Tonight, we are to be joined
at table by my wife-to-be.

Now, I know we got off
to a rough start

but I hope you'll be
considerate and understanding

and not call animal control
until it's absolutely necessary.

Beverly, Ajax,
Charles, Whamo...

please say hello
to Kathie Lee.

CHARLES:
It's incredible.

MAMBO:
She's wonderful.

She's the most beautiful
Antichrist I've ever seen.

Look! She put a napkin
in her lap.

Yeah. She still
drools a bit.

That aside, she looks like
a million dollars.

And I only paid $150.

How do... you do?

I'm very glad to meet you all.

She talks!

And to think, a few
days ago, I was happy

'cause she could write
her name on the wall
with her own feces.

But when I write my name
on the wall with my own feces

I'm being naughty.

Isn't she great?

I can't wait to show
her off around town.

Oh, she's made
tremendous progress,

but do you really think
she's ready for society?

Are you kidding?

Look how she
carries herself.

And the kids.

When I grow up,

I want to buy a woman
just like Mom.

Duckman, have you been...
intimate with her?

No, but when I do,
she'll find I'm quite
the animal myself.

The ladies say I'm like
a cheetah on the prowl--

very fast and then, in
an instant, it's over.

[Kathie Lee clears throat]

I am very pleased
to be here tonight.

And I am honored
that you have allowed me

to be in your basement
and a part of your family.

Oh, Kathie Lee.

We want to commemorate this
with a picture.

Come on, smile, Dad.

Smile,
Kathie Lee.

[growling]

Something's wrong.

She's going to blow.

You broke Mommy.

[roaring]

Duckman, see
what you've done?

Kathie lee's not ready
to be with other people.

She probably
won't ever be.

[whimpering]

[whimpering]

You know what, Beverly?

You're right.

Kathie Lee
may never be civilized.

But it doesn't matter.

I don't care what she does
or how she acts.

I love her
and I'm gonna stick by her.

I'm sorry, Duckman.

I was wrong to say that.

I'm glad you did.

It made me realize that
it's time to take the next step.

I'm going to propose,

but I want to do it
in a special way.

You mean the way you did
with Beatrice?

No. I don't want amyl nitrate

screwing with my vision
this time.

I want it to be
a beautiful moment

that we'll be able to replay
over and over

for the rest of our lives.

And I know just how to do it.

Well, hello, everybody
and welcome to the show.

Got a great one for you today.

It's surprise
marriage proposals.

So come on back
for today's Leeza.

[cheering]

♪ This could be the best time. ♪

Welcome back.

You know, according to surveys

when men are asked
what scares them the most

what do you think
the number one answer is?

Anything.
Commitment.

Children.
Babies.

You're all kind of right.

The number one fear
is proposing.

Proposing marriage
is their biggest fear.

Well, we've got some brave souls
in the studio today

who are going to propose
to their true loves.

They will do it right here
on the show

and the women have no idea.

AUDIENCE:
Ooh...

I know. I love this.

All right, let's talk to our
first brave soul right now--

Duckman.

Leezalina, being here
is so very magical for me.

Finally meeting
the daytime hostess

with the all-time mostest.

And speaking of hostess,

might I add
you have two of the best

little snack cakes
in all of talk TV.

[light laughter]

But, hey, I don't want
to get your hopes up, L.G.

After all,
I'm a soon-to-be-married man.

Let's talk about your,
your rather unusual situation.

Your intended
is a mail-order bride?

[audience murmuring]

Oh, sure. Go ahead and judge.

But who among us has
never paid for love?

Let him throw the first stone!

Ee...

Okay, Duckman,
maybe what we should do

is just go ahead and bring out
your true love, okay?

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Kathie Lee.

[applause]

Now, Kathie Lee, you have
no idea why you're here?

Well, Duckman said something
about getting back

at those girls
in high school

who dumped pig's blood
on him at the prom.

Is it any wonder
I love her so?

Duckman, is there something

that you would like
to ask Kathie Lee?

As a matter of fact,
Leezarino, there is.

Kathie Lee,
before you came into my life

I was a sad, lonely,
laughable excuse of a man.

You helped me reach
deep down inside myself

touch that place
I thought was long dead.

I'm talking, of course,
about my prostate.

Man, that was a party.

Kathie Lee, I've only said
what I'm about to say

to one other person--

two, if you count
that incredibly convincing guy

on Santa Monica Boulevard.

But, Kathie Lee,
will you marry me?

AUDIENCE:
Aww...

Yes, Duckman.

And I will try to make you

as happy as
you've made me.

[applause]

LEEZA:
Oh, this is
just so special.

And we thought that we
would make it a moment

that you can
always remember.

[running steps]

[yelling]:
No!

[snarling]

[roaring]

[all gasp]

[all screaming]

And here we have Stage 26

where Leeza is taped.

[roaring]

[shrieks]

And there's
the Paramount commissary,

where Eddie Mekka enjoyed
mouth-watering sandwiches

and reasonably priced
soft drinks.

Kathie Lee? Kathie Lee?

[yelling]:
No!

GUIDE:
And there, about 100 feet
below me, is suite 411--

once the dressing room
of TV's Walter Koenig.

Don't sh**t!

Kathie Lee!

[growling]

And over there
is parking lot "D,"

where such
international superstars

as Tina Yothers
and Gallagher

have used our super-efficient
and low-priced valets

to pa-a-a-a...

[crashing]

And now I'm being rushed
to the Paramount infirmary,

where Marilu Henner
was once taken

after Tony Danza
mistakenly brought...

Kathie Lee, listen.

Maybe it was a mistake
taking a feral beast,

putting her on national TV
and proposing marriage,

but who could foresee
such a thing?

Okay, maybe you don't fit in
with this world

but neither do I!

That's why I need you.

But it also means
that for once in my life,

I can finally say
to someone, "You need me."

MAN:
She needs me more, laddie.

All right, look, pops,

they're filming the public
service announcement

on Alzheimer's
over on Stage 8

so why don't
you just...?

I am Sir Declan McManus,

world-renowned adventurer

and the inventor
of beach volleyball.

That child on the water tower
is the daughter I lost

in the jungle
more than 15 years ago.

Eh, can we slap
a Depends on
Pappy McLush

before he
soils himself

and get him out of
our lives already?

I mean, really.

I happened
to be touring Hollywood

when I was offered a seat

at Miss Gibbons'
delightful vaudeville.

Imagine my surprise when I saw
my own wee darlin' daughter,


but lookin' not
a whit different

than when I held
her on my knee

and sang her
favorite lullaby.

♪ Eeeka beeka boo, my dear ♪

♪ Eeeka beeka boo ♪

♪ Laura leeka meeka maynge ♪

♪ Eeeka dormez-vous... ♪

Hey, I know that song.

So do I.

ALL THREE:
♪ Eeeka beeka boo, my dear ♪

♪ Eeeka beeka boo ♪

CROWD:
♪ Bish borosh en kevan tosh ♪

♪ Eeeka beeka boo... ♪

How come everybody
knows this song except me?

♪ Eeeka langa lang, my dear ♪

♪ Eeeka langa roo ♪

Oy.

♪ Eeeka rumba limbo lang ♪

♪ Steeka rama-loo... ♪

ALL:
♪ Eeeka bim borang, my dear ♪

♪ Eeeka bang baroo ♪

♪ Beff verock en boola block ♪

♪ Eeeka beeka boo. ♪

Daddy!

[all gasp]

Heather!

Your whole family
awaits ye in Scotland.

Ye'll live in a castle
and have horses and cattle

and all the possessions
your heart desires.

I'm saving up
for a Clapper.

Duckman?

Yes, my love.

I'm going to Scotland.

I knew you'd... dwaah!

Don't you see, Duckman?

We could never
really be happy.

This world of yours

is too complex,
too frightening

for one who has lived
as simply as I.

Look what I've done--

I almost k*lled a woman!

You have so much
to learn.

She was only
a tour guide.

That's what I mean.

It is so difficult
to remember all you've taught--

how clients expect
to be cheated

how sniffing
other people's underwear

is a right protected
by the constitution...

She's... she's just
babbling now.

Duckman, I need
to be sheltered.

I need to be
in a land apart--

a place that lies
between the jungle of the wild

and the jungle
of civilization.

I need to be in Scotland.

Are there any
flashbulbs there?

Lassie, we haven't even
invented the toilet seat!

Good-bye, Duckman.

And thank you.

I'll send
for my cage.

And so it ends with Duckman--
as ever-- alone.

Once again,
in my search for love

I find only emptiness.

My once-dead hopes
now dead again.

If cornfed were here,
I know he would ask

what, if anything, I will
take away from this experience.

To which I would answer...

a red Porsche!

♪ This could be the best time. ♪

[crowd clamoring]

[crashing]

KATHIE LEE:
♪ Eeeka langa lang, my dear ♪

♪ Eeeka langa roo... ♪

♪ Eeeka rumba limbo lang ♪

♪ Steeka rama-loo ♪

CROWD:
♪ Eeeka bim borang, my dear ♪

♪ Eeeka bang baroo ♪

♪ Beff verock en boola block ♪

♪ Eeeka beeka boo. ♪

CORNFED:
Horrifying, bloodthirsty,
savage, barbaric...