04x15 - Ebony, Baby

[bunniefuu]

[door creaks open]

[whistles]

[duck quacks]

[crickets chirping]

I want to thank you all

for this touching
farewell dinner.

Although tomorrow I begin
my first vacation in 11 years,

I won't be squandering it
on mindless hedonism.

Instead, I'll explore
those spiritual, mystical places

of which I've always dreamt--

the Pyramids of Cheops,
the Hanging Gardens of Babylon,

the outlet mall on Route 5.

It's 40 percent off
all suede jackets.

I just wish that...
well, Duckman were here.

[sobbing hysterically]

Don't cry, Duckman.

I'll call you every day

and send postcards
and snowglobes.

Will you get the hell
out of here already?

I'm crying 'cause they closed
my favorite strip club--

the Happy Firepole.

I knew that.

My weekend, my month,
my millennium-- ruined.

Where else am I
supposed to scope out

scantily-clad slinky sexpots?

Fashion magazines.

This is great!

It's nothing but p*rn
for women for men.

And look, no sores,
no bruises, no lumps.

These model-babes
are totally different

than the dregs I'm used to.

I got to find a way
to break into this fashion scam,

preferably through
its well-appointed cleavage.

[Euro disco plays]

Yowser! Yowser!

Bring on the sand-flecked
salinated sea nymphs!

Good evening.

I am Victor Demann.

[applause]

Not exactly what
I had in mind,

but he does have
a nice tush.

And this is
my summer collection.

First off, Janeane!

[audience oohing]

[applause]

Hey!

Howdy doody, Ice Princess.

I know it's just
monopoly money

but trust me--
you can always
pawn them off

on some ignorant
Third-World cabbie.

Oh!

Hmm. Ground-breaking
choreography.

Whoa!

Next we have... Katrina.

[audience oohing and aahing]

[applause]

What do you say, beanpole?

Looks like you could use
some grocery money.

[screaming]

And now for my latest,
greatest discovery,

it is my pleasure
to introduce Miss Ebony Sable!

[cheering and applause]

♪ Ebony ♪

♪ She's my proud,
beautiful black sister ♪

♪ Ebony ♪

♪ What you doing, girl? ♪

♪ She's super bad. ♪

Uh, excuse me, Miss.

I'm not usually like this...
polite to women, I mean

but I must confess...

you are one charming negress.

Back off, jack!

You idiot!

Now, Janeane.

[audience gasps]

[gasps]
Oh, my God!

Not on my watch, sister girl.

How's about I
whisk you off

to this little romantic
restaurant I know?

It's all-you-can-eat
knockwurst night.

Not now, chump.

[g*nsh*t]
[all gasp]

Nothing to worry about.

It's just a flesh wound!

[body thuds,
car alarm blares]

Now it's your turn to die.

Honey child, don't count your
chitlins until they're boiled.

Nothing to worry about.

It's just a flesh wound!

[body thuds,]
car alarm blares]

[rapping on door]

Freeze!

It's cause I'm
black, ain't it?

Uh, actually, it's because
there are two dead people,

and you're holding a g*n.

Name's Ebony Sable,
private investigator.

Victor Demann was my client
and hired me to protect him.

I ain't never lost
a client before.

DUCKMAN:
Yeah, the first dozen or so
are always the hardest.

But this is your lucky day.

I, too, am one of those
private investi... eh, whatever.

I can help.

You?

How's a sorry little
bag-a-baby bones like you

going to help me?

Uh, braid your hair?
Hand-rinse your hot pants?

Describe the guy who ordered
Victor Demann's m*rder?

Say what?

Ow!
Come on, sucker.

We heading to the cop shop.

So I can hand-rinse
your hot pants?

[distant siren wailing]

DUCKMAN:
And his eyes were more
deep-set.

Yes, yes, like that.

His nose a little
more crooked.

Wait. Yes,
that's him.
That's him.

That's exactly his disgusting
pus-filled pug-ugly mug.

Whoo-oo!

[screams]

[groans]

You want to know something?

You are one jive turkey.

Actually, turkeys have
that little wattle thing. Ow!

Don't you go giving me lip.

Punk, you ain't nothing
'cept some worthless cr*cker,

and I don't never want to see
yo' butt-ugly butt again.

[ninjas yelling]

Um, I don't think
that's going to be a problem.

Man, you get into situations.

[Kn*fe clangs]

[Ebony yelling]

[Kn*fe swishes]

[ninja yelling in Japanese]

Man-oh-Manischevitz.

That was the pink Cadillac
of butt-whippings.

To think of the years
I've wasted with Cornfed

searching for "glues"
and "cruspects" and "evidins"

when I could've been
out on the street

kicking some serious booty.

Let me study under you,
o great badass detective one.

Please, oh, please, oh, please,
oh, please, oh, please?

Just know the only reason
I'm keeping you 'round here

is to hang your
scrawny little butt

flapping in the breeze.

You going to be the bait

that leads me
to Victor's k*ller

just by playing the fool.

And, Ebony, baby,
I play for keeps.

[distant police siren wailing,
g*nf*re]

[nearby g*nsh*t]

I guess the endless
prosperity

of the Reagan-Bush era
missed a spot.

Yeah, it never got to be morning
in this America.

Now, stay close. I got to
protect your little bony behind

till we put Victor's k*ller
on ice.

Do you think I'm
still in danger?

[g*ns cocking]

Yup.

You shouldn't stick
your nose in

where it don't belong, baby.

Now, you're gonna die.

I'm not gonna die.

If I was gonna die, my life'd
be flashing before my eyes.

♪ ♪

[echoing]:
Duckman...

Duckman!

[gasps]

You missed all the fun.

Ooh!
Whoa!

Flawless victory.

Finish him!

No.

I need you alive

to give your boss a message.

Tell him I'm going to find him
and when I do,

it's going to rain pain
and hail hurt.

"Rain pain... hail hurt."

But we still don't know
who his boss is.

Why didn't you ask him?

That fool's just a fool,
fool.

If you want to find out
what's really real,

there's one man
you got to see.

[horn blaring]

Yo, get your airhorn here!

Step right up, folks.

Damn airhorn barkers.

Let just one in

and there goes
the neighborhood.

Eh... heh-heh.
Color me quirky

but I-I get the feeling
I'm not welcome.

Man,
we need what this guy's got.

Name's Taanzi,
and he is one crazy dude.

If there's any word
on the street, Taanzi knows.

You'll be okay, long as
you make like a pink packet.

Stay sweet

and low.

Well, look who's here.

How you doing, Ebony,

my strong,
beautiful, black sister?

I ain't seen you in...

what the [airhorn blares]?

How'd this vanilla
sneak into my sundae?

It's okay, Taanzi,
he's with me.

Oh, Ebony, girl!

That [blare]'s weak.

Why you playing in the snow

when you know it's coal
that's going to keep you warm?

Uh-huh.
I'll bet there's a lot of women

warming themselves on that coal.

What's all this about?

The revolution.

The time for talk is past.

For our people to survive,

we must k*ll every white
mother[blare] in the world.

[gulps]

That's right.
You heard me,

Mother[blare],
but you can relax for now,

'cause no matter what you think,

I ain't no
mother[blare]ing savage.

That's why I'm sending each
and every white mother[blare]

a letter, giving him or her


Let 'em settle their affairs
and [blare] before they die--

you know, like who gets
their mother[blare]ing Volvos

and their Celine Dion records
and [blare].

Last thing I need is a lot of
mother[blare]s dying intestate,

you know, leaving me
their hassles and [blare].

[phone ringing]

Hello, thanks for calling

"30 days, mother[blare]."

This is Taanzi.

What's
so mother[blare]ing hard

to understand, mother[blare]?
Did you get the letter?

Well, did you read the letter?

Well, like it says, you got


What don't you "get"?

"And then what?"

Then I come down there myself

and put your h*nky ass

in the mother[blare]ing
dead letter office.

You "get" me now?

Yo, Pillsbury, you
got something to say,

you funny-looking
mother[blare]?

N-n-no, I sure
d-don't, Fonzi.

Fonzi?
Do you see me hitting

any mother[blare]ing
jukeboxes?

Do you see mother[blare]ing
Chachi, or Potsie

or Ralph mother[blare]ing Malph
anywhere?

My name is Taanzi, bitch,
and don't you forget it.

So shut the [blare] up,
mother[blare]r.

My [blare] is
for mother[blare].

Who mother[blare]ing know
the [blare] who the [blare]

[blare] [blare] [blare].

You want to watch
your language?

These horns are
driving me crazy.

Sorry.
Damn honkies.

Enough shop talk.
What do you need?

Information. One
of my clients

was m*rder*d--
Victor Demann.

I should have known you
was working for Demann.

Word is, the hit came
from Wilhelm Vanderklerk.

Some of Vanderklerk's
hired muscle hangs out

at the blues club on Belmont,
the Black Note.

[ringing]

Damn! Can't white people read?

You get that.
We'll go.

Stay strong, baby.

Hello.

No, a doctor's note
will not help, [blaring].

The Black Note doesn't open
for a couple of hours.

We'll just wait here.

That was pretty brave
of you back there.

Going for that big dude.

Ah, that was pure adrenaline.

Sometime tomorrow,
I'll realize what I did

and cry like a little girl.

[laughing]

I'm not kidding.

Oh.

You know what
I like about you?

The way you say
whatever you think

no matter
how stupid it is.

You're definitely
your own man.

Thanks.

You know what I like about you?

Yeah-- my legs.

[laughing]:
Now, that's not true.

I also like that you have
really big breasts,

and I like that I can see
almost all of them

every time you lean forward.

And I like your tight round butt

and I don't know
if it's that lipstick or what,

but your mouth
is making me really hot

and your legs are, too.

Well... then I know

the reward I'm
going to give you

for saving my life.

[romantic music playing]

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ All night, all night... ♪

[door slams open]

What the...?

Hey, fellows, stop!

Or at least wait 30 seconds.



Ooh...

Oh, no. They grabbed Ebony.

I've got to save her life.

I've got to protect my partner.

I've got to see if she can
put both ankles behind her head.

Don't worry, Ebony--

your super-bad lover-man
is on his way.

[disco music playing]

Yeah, I'm bad.

Oh, I'm bad.

I'm the worst.

Ain't nobody worser than me.

Yo, bro, how you fro?

Dyn-o-mite!

What's happening,
my proud black brother?

I hope you's down, my man,
'cause I am up for being down.

S'cool, s'wonderful,
s'marvelous.

Check your booty at
the door, you dig?

Word to your mammy.

Oy.

[playing blues music]

DUCKMAN:
Wow. What a fantastic place.

It resonates with the mingled
tears and laughter

of a hundred generations.

I'd hang out here myself
if they had naked dwarf races.

Okay, Taanzi said Vanderklerk's
g*ons hung out here.

One of them
must have grabbed her.

You some funked-up
thrill seeker

or are you just stupid?

My friend, I've spent a lifetime
trying to answer that question.

Wait a minute.

What would Ebony do
in a situation like this?

She'd get what she needed
through sheer force of will.

All right, listen,
LeRoy Brown.

Listen up,
all of you!

I am your worst nightmare--
a duck with an attitude.

I know you hate me,
though I can't figure out why.

If we hadn't freed you people
back in World w*r II,

you'd all be speaking
Japanese now.

All I know is,
there's a girl missing,

some hepcat
named Vanderklerk's behind it,

and you'd better give me
the 555-1212

or you'll be waiting to exhale

while I dry out
your raisins in the sun.

[growling]

[siren wailing]

[phone ringing]

Aaiiiee!

It's for you.

I told you people
a thousand times,

I'm not switching
long-distance carriers.

Hello, Mr. Duckman.

My name is
Wilhelm Vanderklerk

and you're right--
I have your girlfriend.

Oh, please, please,
don't puncture her!

Ebony Sable.

Oh, no, I like her, too.

I've kidnapped your
family and Sable

and your family!

You fiend.

You'd better not lay a hand
on Ebony or Bev or the boys.

Do what you want
with the loudmouth lardass.

[tires screech]

[siren wailing]

"Drop me here"
is just an expression!

Mm-hmm. Day players.

[muffled protests]

VANDERKLERK:
No need to struggle.

No need to worry.

After all,
Duckman is coming to rescue you.

Duckman?!

If you'll excuse me,
I must visit another...

guest.

By the way,

in case you hadn't guessed,

your employer Victor Demann
and I were allies

until he became frightened
by the breathtaking

audacity of my incredible plan.

What plan?

No time for that now.

All right, just k*ll me.

k*ll you?

No, Ebony, to k*ll
a woman like you

would be such a waste.

Much better

to humiliate you,
take you out of action.

Oh, my Lord, my sweet Lord!

Not Jheri Curl!

Oh!

EBONY:
Duckman!
How'd you get in here?

Secret tunnel.
Previous owner.

[laughing]

Ow!

[growling]

Damn you, Sable.

You have more lives than a cat.

A black cat.

And I'm crossing your path.

That's the guy
at the fashion show.

Thanks, baby.

That's two I owe you.

But you'd better step aside.

Ebony's hungry,

blood's on the menu
and you're vegetarian.

Nuh-uh, my proud black queen.

From here on out

or in--
I've never been sure which--

I'm gonna be your white shadow.

Duck, you the man.

♪ Ebony, she's super bad. ♪

I'm a diversion!

I'm a diversion!

I'm going for Vanderklerk.

Melt away, snowflakes.

This ain't going
to be pretty.

You seem to forget
we're suburban white girls.

That means we know
how to clean house.

[karate yells]

We took Tai Chi
at the Learning Annex.

Okay, sisters,
let's mess with the misters.

♪ ♪

[helicopter blades whirring]

Vindercluck!

Vanderklerk.

And now I will return
to my native land,

a place where white people
exploit blacks,

a land ruled

by intolerance and brutality
and fear.

My God, what kind
of sick and twisted country

do you come from?

America.

Oh, seems a bit harsh.

And now,
to eliminate the witness.

[screams]

Sable.

It's just you and me now...

boy.

Well, there's me, too,

but if this is some kind of a
fight-to-the-death thing,

I can wait downstairs.

Sable, you're worth


You're only in it for the money.

Why not come with me?

You just don't get it, do you
Vanderklerk?

I ain't coming with you

'cause you be bad.

Bad in the sense of cool?

No. In the sense
of scum-sucking slug.

Damn. I hate slang.

[yelling]

Um...

he's that way.

Oh.

[clicks]

[groans]

VANDERKLERK:
How the hell
do you work this thing?

It's over, Duckman.

I don't say this to a lot
of guys, but thanks.

You did me solid, jack.

Yeah.

Listen, Ebony, uh, no offense,

but what is it
with all the '70s stuff?

I mean, the hair, the clothes,
the language?

How come you do all that?

White writers.

Well, D-man,
I guess this is it.

Wait, Ebony.

Don't go.

You got to stay here.

I want to hear more
about the black experience.

I want to learn how we can live
together in peace and harmony

and most important of all,

I want another chance
to unfasten your bra.

Sorry, Duckman.

I've got to move on.

I'll miss you.

But in your heart,
you know we're different.

I'm a lone wolf.

You're a cowardly, sexist moron.

We almost had something,
didn't we, babe?

Yeah. Almost.

Good-bye, Duckman.

Stay cool.

I gots no other way to be.

TAANZI:
You funny-looking
mother [airhorn blares].