[quacks]
CHARLES:
Mail call!
Dad got a package.
[karate yell]
Hmm.
A videotape
in a plain brown wrapper.
[gleeful chuckling]
From the boys' school!
Willkommen, bienvenue,
und also...
[chuckles]
...howdy.
I'm Dr. Bud von Löwenbräu,
school psychologist
with an urgent message
about Ajax, Charles
und Zamboni.
You'd at least think
he could get their names right.
Which one did he miss?
Enough with the chitten-chatten.
They are becoming disruptive,
displaying antisocial behavior
in the class.
Simply put, your kinder
are developmentally immature.
Nobody calls my kinder immature
without getting their house
TP'd.
Mein advice-- a live-in tutor
to attempt to bring
their development up
to that of children
whose parents are actually
caring about them.
Danke schon.
[doorbell buzzes]
[coughs]
[doorbell buzzes]
Mmm...
[doorbell buzzes]
[slurping]
[doorbell buzzes]
♪ Ooh! ♪
[doorbell buzzes]
What was wrong
with that one?
Duckman, he was wearing
an "I Heart Satan" T-shirt.
Bernice, I'm shocked.
Discriminating on the basis
of religion.
[chicken clucking]
Once he finishes sacrificing
that chicken,
he could sue.
[knocking]
Hello. You are looking
for tutor?
Ya-ho! Ho! You bet your
French roll in the hay we...
Uh... I mean, oui, oui.
Ah, bien.
I could not read the address
because of the smeared
chicken entrails.
I am liking to apply
for the position.
Actually, there's
quite a few positions
we could talk about.
Let me grab my kamasutra.
Ow!
I'm Bernice and
this is Duckman.
Bernice...
Monsieur Homme de Canard,
je suis Regine Poulet.
So... Regine, what's
your educational background?
I have a doctorate in education
from la Sorbonne.
You know...
If this ends in
a sore bone joke,
it'll cost you
three broken ribs.
Never mind.
If you are hesitant,
you need only try me
for one afternoon.
I can start with the pet.
Here, nice doggy, doggy.
Play dead, gecko.
[playing "Taps"]
Heel, gecko.
Solve, gecko.
Wow. And that's TV Guide.
Impressive, but the real problem
is Charles and Mambo.
Lately, they just won't
do a thing they're told.
Oh, madame, I become erect
with pride for a challenge.
Very good, Charles.
Cadmium
is the only element
to fit the formula
for a fusion reaction
in an inert metal.
Excellent, Mambo.
Synecdoche
is the figure of speech
by which the name of a material
is substituted
for the actual thing it makes.
Splendide, Ajax.
It is the pointy end
that writes.
I must say, Regine,
I like what I see.
[clears throat]
Boys, show Regine
to your father's room.
BOYS:
All right!
My room?! Ho, ho!
I lay odds, I'm going
to lay more than odds.
[grunts]
Excuse me, Bernice. Today's menu
calls for a little French dip.
Listen up,
you walking spermatozoa!
As long as she's in this house,
you sleep on the couch,
and that's only because
there's no more room
under the freeway.
Go near her for any reason
other than genuine interest
in the boys,
and you'll be sorry!
[fake moaning]
I'm shaken. Do your worst!
By the way, what's in the box?
My worst.
In here are just some
of the disgusting items
you have accumulated
in a lifetime
of depraved debauchery.
I've buried the rest
in a safe place.
If you subject
that poor, innocent girl
to one comment, one grope,
one drop of drool,
I will burn, rip, melt and pop
your entire treasure trove!
[groaning]
Must control self.
Only way
to get sex stuff back
is not to think about sex.
Would be fascinated by irony
if I didn't want to rip
that flimsy blouse
off her heaving...
[yells]
Much... better.
Oh, Regine,
everything is delicious.
You are just wonderful.
Oh, no, no, no.
Bernice, it is you
who are wonderful.
[both coughing
and clearing throats]
Can I tempt you
with my potatoes?
[lusty moaning]
Ahem!
Oh, monsieur, take it quickly.
Oh, the tray is so heavy.
[moaning]
[yells]
[relieved sigh]
[sighs]
[sighs]
[snoring]
Excusez-moi.
[yells]
I'm sorry to be making
to wake you.
I am hungry and le fruit bowl,
she's on top
of the refrigerator.
I cannot reach.
I am straining and groaning,
my body pressing against
the cold refrigerator
as my nipples...
Yeah, I'll, I'll get it.
Just...
All that's left are apples.
An apple would be bon.
Thank you and good night,
Monsieur Homme de Canard.
Kids, emergency!
I'm out of ice!
You still have
those hidden camera photos
of Aunt Bernice
shaving her back?
Corny, this nanny's
changed our lives.
The twins are behaving
and doing well in school,
Ajax has stopped eating
out of the lawn mower bag,
and best of all
I've been the very model
of a modern major gentleman.
Feels good for once
to be able to say,
"I did nothing wrong."
That's a subpoena.
You're being sued
for sexual harassment
by your kids' tutor.
[muffled]
Sexual harassment?
I don't get it, Corny.
I keep going over
it again and again,
and I didn't do a
single thing wrong.
I can't possibly
be that oblivious.
[man yelling, crashing]
GIRL:
The pope's
been hit!
I barely even
spoke to her!
Well, except last night when
I gave her that apple.
Uh-oh.
"Uh-oh" as in "nice work"?
No, as in you're screwed.
In the Judeo-Christian
iconography
the apple represents forbidden
fruit, the ultimate sin,
implying a desire to engage
in the forbidden act,
hence becoming a symbol
of the ultimate harassment.
And they were such
a good source of vitamin A.
NEWSBOY:
Extra! Extra!
Read about Le Monstre!
ALL:
It's Le Monstre!
Get him!
[screams]
I don't know
what's going on, Corny,
but if I go home,
Bernice will k*ll me.
Looks like I'll have to stay
at your apartment for a while.
This week's bad.
I'm, uh,
refinishing my basement.
You don't even have a basement.
I didn't say
it would be easy.
[chuckles]
Uh, hi, ladies.
I know
a wonderful depilatory
that'll get rid
of those mustaches.
Too confusing.
It was just an apple.
But I'm still a man,
and no matter what,
I, as a man, won't stand
for being mistreated
by a woman.
Bernice, please!
What makes you think
I would ever
do something like this?
The women you've
done it to before.
And these are just the ones
who could get the day off.
Regine, how could you?
I feel bad for making sue-sue,
but you make me feel,
as we say en Francais, "bad."
But, but...
The monster's
making sexist comments
about her posterior.
Let's get him!
[women clamoring,
Duckman screams]
Bernice, it is
tres important to me
that you of all peoples
not be upset with Regine.
I am ruining
Duckman's life.
I know. I got you
a present for that.
Oh, a charm bracelet
with Jerry Lewis characters.
Geisha Boy...
Disorderly Orderly...
Three on a Couch.
Oh, excuse me.
I am gagged
with emotion.
Need air. Oh.
Feeling faint.
Ahh...
I really got to find a place
to store these things.
Not that I'll need them anymore
when I'm through
with you, Duckman.
[laughing]
Look at that.
What is that?
I am not an animal!
I am not an animal!
Well, okay,
I'm kind of an animal.
I mean, a few of my features
are animal-like,
and I don't wear clothes
and I smell a little outdoorsy
most of the time
but I have a job
and I talk and stuff, too,
so, when I say
I'm not an animal,
I think technically,
I'm on solid ground.
[overlapping chatter]
That's true.
That makes sense.
I can't do it.
I can't do this to myself,
but where else can I go?
The whole world hates me.
I've been sleeping
on the street for three days.
This is the only place left
that will take me in.
Fluffy, Uranus.
My two favorite...
whatever you ares.
I was in the neighborhood,
thought I'd stop by
catch up on things,
maybe stay a few years.
I have to.
Your beloved boss has a problem.
It seems
I have actually been accused
of sexual harassment.
I mean, what a shock!
You?
Why, Mr. Duckman,
we're flabbergasted.
Of all people...
That's better.
So what are you waiting for,
a valet?!
Who the hell
decorated this place
Willy Wonka?
Look, I won't be here long.
The only reason I'm letting you
two pastel pansies put me up
is because I need
a place to stay
till things blow over...
or until I hang myself
from a noose
I weave out
of my own intestines,
whichever comes first.
Mr. Duckman,
perhaps you're
impaled on the horns
of this particular dilemma
because you haven't adapted
to our changing culture.
We can give you
a simple test
to judge whether or not
your attitudes line up
with the new guidelines
in the Regine Poulet Society.
Dream on.
I never take a test
that isn't court-mandated.
This one's easy.
Number one--
"females over the age of 18
are often called girls.
How should you
refer to them?"
Sweet potato?
No.
Love socket?
No!
Box lunch?
No. It's "women."
W-O-M-Y-N.
Number two--
"when you're on a date
when is it okay
to kiss her?"
When her husband's gone?
No!
When the sore heals?
No!
After she passes out?
No!
When she gives you
written permission
certified by
a Regine-approved notary public.
Let's move on to
the word association
part of the test.
Breasts.
Mr. Duckman,
we haven't start...
Breasts.
Dog.
Breasts.
White.
Breasts.
Peanut butter.
Breasts.
Tanzania.
Breasts.
Communism.
Breasts.
Dolly Parton.
Bad hair.
[both yawning]
Mr. Duckman,
look at the time.
Maybe we should
try this tomorrow.
Fluffy and I
have to go to bed.
If you're not tired,
you could watch
the incubation
of the world's
last spotted finch eggs
in our kitchen.
Or listen to
our rare 45
of Shaun Cassidy's
"Da Do Ron Ron"--
the only known copy
in existence.
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah
friggin' day.
Tantalizing
as those prospects are
I think I'll hit
the sack myself.
Anywhere fine?
Nighty night, Uranus.
Nighty night, Fluffy.
BOTH:
Nighty night, Mr. Duckman.
[squeaking]
I can't live
with this lack of privacy.
Go sleep outside!
Earlier today,
the Regine Poulet Society
proposed a ban
on the sale of boysenberries
until a genetically equal
girlsenberry is developed.
A language was renamed today.
Thanks to
the Regine Poulet Society
Hebrew will
now be known as Webrew.
The Regine Poulet Society
charged a sewer worker
with sexual misconduct
for referring to his manhole.
[yelling]
Oops.
Well, TV plays much too large
a role in our lives anyway.
Don't you think?
Mr. Duckman, you
didn't happen to see
our last-of-
their-kind
spotted finch eggs,
did you?
Oh. Yeah.
[chuckles]
Couldn't find
the Pop-Tarts.
Mr. Duckman, is that
"Da Do Ron Ron"
on your backside?
Of course not.
I happen to be very conscious
of that sort of thing.
Oh, the record.
Yeah, I guess it is.
And if that black vinyl
stained any
of my butt feathers
I'll be seeing
you two in court.
Mr. Duckman,
you've only been
here eight hours
and already, you've turned our
whole world topsy-turvy.
We spent the morning
burning your sheets
and your mattress
and the bed
and the carpet
around the bed
leading into the bathroom
and the bathroom.
You have to treat people
with respect, Mr. Duckman
whether it's what
you say to them
or how you act
in their house.
These eggs need
a little ketchup.
Is there anything else?
As a matter of
fact, there is.
Get the [bleep] out
of here, Mr. Duckman.
You deaf,
Mr. [bleep] cool?
Get the [bleep]
out of here
before we [bleep] tear
your [bleep] [bleep] off
and shove 'em up
your [bleep] [bleep]!
Ooh, that felt pretty
[bleep] good.
Ooh!
Ooh!
Regine Poulet Society.
Regine Poulet Society.
Hello,
Regine Poulet Society.
Regine Poulet Society.
Regine Poulet Society.
Regine Poulet Society.
Regine Poulet Society.
Hello, Regine
Poulet Society.
Fellow crusaders,
listen up!
We need someone
at the post office at 1:00
for the changing
of the term "mailman"
to "person person."
At 2:00, they're going
to erect... oops...
um, put up a statue
of Regine at city hall
and at 3:00,
I'll be flying to South America
for the renaming
of Lake Titicaca.
[applause]
I'm giving thank-yous
for your aid, Bernice.
It is strange.
With you,
I feel a bond
that is special...
tender...
Stimulating.
Uh, uh, um...
[clearing throat]
uh, w-what
I mean is...
Bernice, you are okay?
Okay? Well, uh, yes, yes.
I-I'm fine, except, except...
Well, something strange
is happening.
I-I'm having feelings.
[clamoring]
[nervous chuckle]
Anyone
can use a door.
What the hell are
you doing here?!
My kids are
in this house.
Can you imagine
how much they miss me?
What's the
matter, Dad--
did they seal
the peephole
in the women's
bathroom at the park?
[laughing]
My own children
turned against me!
Well, don't think that
means you've won, Regine.
I'll have you know
my children turn against me
on an almost weekly basis.
Besides, there's still someone
who'll stand beside me.
No matter how black the night
or how strong the storm
I still have
my partner.
Here are the anti-
Duckman pamphlets
you had me
print up. Oh...
Hi, Duckman.
Boy, is my face red.
Et tu, Cornfed?
Gesundheit.
[goofy laughter]
What? That line
always got a laugh
on Mama's Family.
The Regine Poulet Society
has taught me
that men are shallow
and immature creatures
whose sole purpose in life
is the satisfaction
of primal urges.
Plus, they gave me
this neat t-shirt.
But what's so wrong
about what I did?
I mean, sure,
I'm like any other guy.
I've made an occasional
offensive remark.
reported incidents
not including phone booths
and confessionals.
Numbers never tell
the whole story!
The point is,
I happen to love women.
I love how they look,
I love how they talk,
and if I'm remembering
correctly, I love how they feel.
And if I can't even say that
out loud anymore, I give up.
What's the use?
They can have
their sacrificial duck,
because I don't care
about living in a world
that takes away your right
to honestly
express your feelings.
[chanting]:
k*ll the Duckman!
Of course, I'm not married
to this whole
masses-decide-my-fate thing.
[groaning]
Blacking out.
Swoon. Down I go.
Must be my potassium
deficiency.
Here, have a banana.
You offered me a banana--
the phallic fruit?
I'm uncomfortable
with what that implies.
I'm going to sue you
for sexual harassment.
What? You can't.
I didn't mean anything.
Besides,
it can't be harassment.
I'm not even a...
You're not even a what--
a woman?
That's right.
I had to appear
to abandon Duckman
so I could infiltrate
your society
because of a hunch I had
as to your real identity--
the broken French accent,
the unnaturally husky voice,
the second-rate acting.
You can only be one person--
Gerard Depardieu.
[gasps]
King Chicken!
That was my second guess.
This is amazing!
I had no idea!
When did you start
doing nanny work?
I don't, you cretin.
It was all
part of a plan.
I made that videotape
about your children
to cajole you into hiring me
as their nanny,
knowing you'd cave in
at the slightest sniff of flesh
but for the first time
in your miserable life
you resisted
coming on to a woman,
so I had
to entrap you
and hold you up
to ridicule.
And why did I do it?
CROWD:
Duckman made you an outsider
in grammar school,
so you wanted to make Duckman
an outsider in society.
Ha-ha-ha.
[monotonous clucking]
You're fans!
Wait just a minute.
You mean, all this time
I've really been attracted
to a vicious
and despicably evil man
who almost destroyed Duckman,
and cruelly manipulated
millions of women
for his own personal gain?
Thank heavens!
[chanting]:
Choke the chicken!
Choke the chicken!
Look, it's Clarence Thomas!
It doesn't matter.
He's gone,
and this is over.
We've been wrong
to take out all our frustrations
on a spineless, foul-smelling
sewer-mouth like Duckman.
Thank you, Bernice.
Harassment is a horrible thing,
but maybe a few of us
have started to see it
where it doesn't exist.
If we're too cautious
the passion, the spontaneity,
the risk-taking
could be replaced
by meaningless,
stilted, robotic exchanges,
and we'll never recapture
the more interesting awkwardness
that comes
from simple attraction.
I'm reminded
of an ancient parable...
...and, in closing
I'd like to state
that only when we start
respecting each other
as human beings
will we be able to get back
to openly expressing
our attraction
and being attracted
to whomever we want.
I know.
They left hours ago.
I just had a few things
to work through.
It's okay, Bernice.
I heard what you said,
and you're right.
Women aren't just
objects to be ogled
and openly lusted after.
They're people--
people that should
be treated
with dignity
and respect.
People who shouldn't
be spoken to
in the manner in which I've
spoken to them in the past.
Do you have
my box of smut
and disgusting
sexual paraphernalia?
I've seen the
light, Bernice.
From now on,
there's only one answer.
I'll confine my remarks
to inanimate objects.
They can't sue.
Check out the Grand Tetons!
Hoo-hoo, whee!
Hey, hey, mama, hard to believe
that tongue is attached.
And what have we here,
my piece de resistance?
I'll-feel-ya air pods.
Baby, I'm going to fly
your wide body.
[imitating airplane engine]
[imitating airplane engine]
03x02 - Forbidden Fruit
Watch/Buy Amazon
In a universe where humans and anthropomorphic animals coexist, the series centers on Eric Tiberius Duckman, a widowed, lewd, self-hating, egocentric anthropomorphic duck who lives with his family in Los Angeles and works as a private detective.
In a universe where humans and anthropomorphic animals coexist, the series centers on Eric Tiberius Duckman, a widowed, lewd, self-hating, egocentric anthropomorphic duck who lives with his family in Los Angeles and works as a private detective.