01x09 - It's the Thing of the Principal

[bunniefuu]

[whistles]

[quacks]

Happy Be-Good-to-the-Elderly
Day, Grandma-ma!

Okay, boys, let her rip!

[ breaks wind ]

Yay!

Nice one,
Grandma-ma!

Hey, Aunt Bernice,

why didn't we wait
for Dad and Ajax?

Well, we're never sure

if Ajax will get
on the right school bus,

and I don't give
a rodent's rump

if your father's excluded
from family gatherings.

Oh, yeah.
We forgot.

Charles, Mambo,
speaking of Ajax,

have you noticed
anything strange about him?

He has one head.

[ laughing ]

[ horn honking ]

[ crashing ]

DUCKMAN:
Yeah, yeah!
Save it for the courtroom!

We'll see if you're
in good humor then!

Oh... Little ice cream
with your cake?

Hello, progeny. Bernice.

Sorry I missed the celebration,
but I spent a long, tireless day

wading through the muck,
making an honest go of it.

The consummate provider--
putting food on the table

and warm garments on
backs of my loved ones.

The dog track
in Tijuana called.

You left your sunglasses
there today.

So I had
a little down time.

Well, now that we have

the obligatory lies
out of the way,

I have to talk to you
about Ajax.

I got a call from the school.

He's been sent
to the office

every day for the past week.

That's not a problem.

It's just part of growing up,
Bernice.

He's testing his limits.

If any son mine
was behaving weirdly,

don't ya think
I'd notice?

It's not just school.
He hasn't been himself lately.

[ knocking ]

Who is it?

Ajax.

You don't have
to knock, dear.

You can just come in.

I knew there was one house
I could do that at.

Seems fine to me.

Duckman, did
you see that?

He just went
past a cake

without burying his head in it

and wolfing it down
until he was choking

and had to come up for air.

Hmm. Maybe I should talk to him.

Ha! Talk to him?!

You mean like you ask him
what the problem is,

he tells you, then say
something that helps?

What? You think
I'm not up to it?

You think I'm not a good parent?

You think just 'cause
I'm a hard-bill detective,

I can't relate to my boy
like a father?

So, yousay
everything's fine,

but we know better.
Don't we?

I thought you wanted
to talk to me like a father.

Okay.

So, uh...

Son, uh,
here's five bucks.

Buy yourself a book
on solving teenager's problems.

Thanks, Dad.
No sweat, son.

We should have these
heart-to-hearts more often.

[ gasps and grunts ]

Keyhole needed a little oil.

I couldn't quite
overhear all of it.

What did you find out?

That if I'm really going
to get to the bottom of this,

it's going to take
the investigative skills

of a top-notch detective.

We can't afford that!

Why don't you do it?

You said we were
going undercover

as high school students.

What's with the getup?

I thought the grange
look is in.

Actually, Duckman,
that's "grunge."

Oh.

Like you fit in.

Hey, my parents
are in Europe.

Want to come
to my house

for a party tonight?
[ giggles ]

Are you kidding?
We'd love to!

Ew! Gross!

We weren't talking to you,
old man.

I moisturize.

Let's go.

School's about to start.

WOMAN:
I'm afraid.

I don't... I don't want to.

I don't want them
to scare me.

[ school bell rings ]

[ screaming ]

Yes, sir, I'll tell them
the good news.

Boys, we're going to Bosnia!

Finally, some peace
and quiet!

[ cheering ]

Wow! They really
cleaned this place up

since last time
I was here.

Guess that corporate sponsorship
really helped.

Hey, look, it's Ajax.

[ kids laughing and shouting ]

All right, Corny,
let's go.

And remember, we're here
to observe him.

Be as inconspicuous
as possible.

[ screams ]

[ yells ]

[ croaking ]

[ yells ]

Huh?

What are you
doing here?
Me?

Uh... I... uh... uh, um...

Hey, everyone,
it's Farmer Brown

of Farmer Brown's
sausage sticks.

His meat-like products
are gristle-icious.

[ coughing ]

[ croaks ]

[ class laughs ]

Class...

[ laughter continues ]

Class...

[ whistles ]

[ laughter stops ]

Well, that's better.

I hate to have to hurt anybody.

This morning, I've been asked

to add sex education
to the curriculum.

Terrific.
How timely.

Oh, that'll help.

Maybe next, we'll listen
to some loud,

parent-hating Satan music.

We'll start with a short film
about breasts entitled

Mammaries:
Functional Necessities

Or Big, Round Orbs Of Pleasure?

Woo-hoo! Yeah!
Bring on the boo...

Oh, you said, uh, breasts.

I-I thought you said
we were having a test.

[ hearty laugh ]
I'm just one of those nuts
who just love tests.

Can't wait to get my hands
on them.

DUCKMAN:
Bigger the better.
[ clears throat ]

But oh, this will be fine,
too, I guess.

Yes, well, shall we begin
our unholy tumble

into rank and seedy debauchery?

[ glass shattering ]

Per usual, I'll excuse myself

to the vice principal's office
now.

I told them that's what happens

when a boy gets a burning
in his loins.

Let's go, Corny. Ajax
is obviously troubled.

This might be my best chance
to find out what's wrong.

FILM NARRATOR:
Cave women almost never
wore brassieres,

and as you can see,
Ah...

those caves got pretty chilly.

'Course we don't
want to walk out

on the opening credits.

Fine. We'll rent it.

Hold it, maggots.

Nobody gets in here

without first being
a disciplinary problem.

We gotta get in there.
They're probably talking

about what's bothering him
right now.

Did you do this?

What of it?

"School board"
is a collective noun.

Conjugation, young man.
Conjugation.

Give me your lunch money,
give me your bus money,

and give me all the money
you saved up for college.

What are you going
to do about this?

Oh... who should I
make it out to?

Nothing works, Corny.

You can't buy your way
into that office.

Perhaps a break.
I brought some crudités.

I was wondering
when we'd eat.

Thank God,
you remembered food.

Did you say
the "G" word?

You said "God."

And one thing we won't stand for
is prayer in school.

You're going
to the vice principal's office.

Farmer Brown.

What did they get you for?

Dad? I got sent

to the vice principal's
office.

Did I go home
by mistake?

No, son,
I-I came down here.

because I was worried
about you.

DUCKMAN: You've been
acting strangely,

and I, I wanted
to find out why.

It's all quite wonderful,
actually.

I'm in love.
[ laughs giddily ]

[ birds chirping ]

Whoa!

[ hammering ]

In love!

You hear that, Corny?
My son's in love.

Little Ajax, first of my brood,
fruit of my loom.

Oh, what a great and glorious
day for the Duckman clan.

When my boy meets a girl and...

We, uh, are talking
girl, right?

Dad.

Yeah, right.
Of course.

So, if you have any questions
about handling women,

feel free to ask your ol'
been-around-the-block dad.

He'll tell you how
to turn on the key,

how to get
that motor revvin',

how to shove in
the clutch.

Do I need my driver's license
for this?

Nah. Just gotta know your
way around the backseat.
[chuckles]

BERNICE:
Duckman!

Aunt Bernice.
What are you doing here

with Charles and Mambo?

That's not Charles and Mambo,
dear.

The vice principal called me
down here

to talk about Ajax getting
sent to her office again.

What are you doing here?

Getting to the bottom
of this Ajax business,

and I'm here to report
that it looks a lot worse

than it actually is.

Not unlike
nipple clamps.

I'll just go play Yahtzee
with the cheerleaders.

Look, Bernice, what I'm
trying to tell you is,

all that's bothering
Ajax is that...

well, for the first time,

he's in love.

In love! Oh, our Ajax
is becoming a man.

Now punishing number 132.

That's us.

Ajax, can't wait
to hear

all about your
little girlfriend.

You're so...
cute!

Let's get this thing
straightened out, Bernice.

I know how to deal
with these power-hungry,

child-b*ating,
drill sergeant wannabes.

[ gulps ]

WOMAN:
Mr. Duckman, Bernice,

come in. I'm Vanessa La Pert,
the new vice principal.

Humina-humina-ha-wah!

Very impressive, Mr. Duckman,
but why are you

telling me
in Cherokee

that you have raccoons
in your pants?

Uh, we-we encourage the children
to be multilingual.

Um, how do you do?

Fine. Thank you.

Nice to meet you.

[ speaking gibberish ]

I'm sorry, I'm not as
well-versed in Persian.

Maybe I should
open a window.

Please, have a seat.

Ahh!

[ straining ]

Ooh!

[ slobbering ]

I'm sorry, I had
such a full day today.

Do you mind if I eat
lunch while we talk?

Of course not.

The truth is,

I've got some rather
surprising news about Ajax.

[ train whistle blowing ]

[ engine chugging ]

Actually, we may
already have an idea.

We were just talking
to him outside.

VANESSA:
Well, then, you know.

he's, uh, in love.

[ engine chugging ]

Yes, he told us.

We think it's so sweet.

Well, judging by your reaction,

he hasn't told you everything.

[ engine chugging ]

I don't understand.

What hasn't he told us?

Well, he hasn't told you
who he's in love with.

Ajax is in love with me.

You!
You!

I know it's a shock,

but I thought it was best
that you know.

He gets in trouble in class
every day just so he can

come into my office.

Well, it is a shock.

Not that I don't remember
what it's like

to have a crush
on an older authority figure.

Oh, my, no.
When I was a little girl,

I loved to play tennis.

The summer of my 14th year

when my womanhood
was just beginning to bloom,

I went to tennis camp.

The tennis pro's name
was d*ck Samson,

and he was magnificent.

One night, one fateful night,

we snuck onto the court.

He turned the ball server
up to ten,

and we spent hours
working on my grip.

All right, blanche, save the
rest for Halloween! Ooh!

Listen, Vanessa,

this is serious.
Very serious.

Now, I was thinking,
maybe if Ajax saw you
making mad, passionate,

sticky love
to someone else,

he'd forget about you.

But who could we get?
Hmm...

Who could we get?
Wait a minute.

It just hit me!

Yeah, so will I
if you don't shut up.

This is a delicate situation.

A boy's first love
is a very special memory.

Of course it is,
especially if he doesn't
have to pay for it.

Speaking of which,
would a 50 help you decide?

Duckman, you're
embarrassing me.

You're right, Bernice.
I'm sorry.

Make that
an even hundred.

Duckman!
Hey, it's for Ajax.

We're talking tax-free.

[ grunts ]

You'll have to excuse him,
Miss La Pert.

His lobotomy was pushed back
two weeks.

Actually,
there's one more thing

you both need to know.

This is very awkward.

Forgive me, but the truth is...

I love Ajax back.

[ loud crash ]

BOTH:
You're in love with Ajax?

Don't worry. It isn't
a physical relationship.

He's just so impetuous...

and innocent.

He's my Stridex-scented Viking,

and I want to spend
the rest of my life with him.

I'm sorry, I have to go.

I'm looking forward
to talking to you more.

Wait! Getting back
to you and me.

Did I mention I have a friend

who could make you a deal
on snow tires?

Okay, final offer!


a couple of jumping jacks,

and I don't even have
to be in the room.

Just phone me and tell me
and when you do it.

[ door slams ]

[ barking ]

I'm telling you, Corny,

no way a woman
of such delicious fleshitude

would be interested
in a wedgie like Ajax.

She has an ulterior motive,
and I'm going to do

whatever it takes to expose her.

Oh. There she is.

[ Duckman yelling and grunting ]

You okay, Duckman?

Just tell me what she's doing,
will you?

Nothing much. She just
took off her bath towel,

and now she's
rubbing herself

down with lotion,

giving herself
a full-frontal massage

and bending over
to touch her toes

for no other reason than
the sheer joy of it.

I'll tell you this,
without breast reduction,

she's gonna have
a lot of back trouble.

[ panting ]

DUCKMAN:
She's not even
in the room!

Hee-hee.
Little surveillance humor.

Duckman, you are here
first and foremost

out of love and concern
for your child.

Of course I am.
Why would you even dare
to suggest otherwise?

Maybe it was the way you said,

"Hey, Corny, let's go get a look
at her naked."

I could have more than one
reason for doing something.

[ doorbell rings ]

DUCKMAN:
Corny, someone's at the door.

Behold the partner in crime!

It's Ajax.

Give me those!

DUCKMAN:
Oh, my God!

He's not doing
what I think he's doing!

He's gonna give her
a pedicure!

I won't have any my kid of mine

doing something so menial.
Let's go!

[ yelling, crashing,
cat yowling ]

And then they left
in their car.

I tried running after them,

but Cornfed here
slowed me down.

You couldn't let go
of the binoculars.

This is all your fault,
Duckman.

Ajax ran off
with a beautiful woman

because it's his father's
biggest fantasy.

Actually, my biggest
fantasy involves you,

liver loaf and a pack
of starving rottweilers.

[ knock at door ]

AJAX:
Oh, yeah.

Ajax, you're home!

All right, listen, libido-boy.

I want the truth
and nothing but the truth,

straight, no chaser,
no gilding the lily.

What's going on
with you and Vanessa?

We're getting married.

Don't you know
have the common sense

to know when to lie
about something?

Duckman!
All right, look.

As long as you live
under my roof,

you'll do what I say.

And I say, no way are you

and Miss Pass-Up-
The-Chance-Of-A-Lifetime-
To-Rob-The Cradle Instead

getting married.

I'd hoped for
your blessing, Dad,

but I'm old enough
to make decisions on my own.

Aren't I?

Ajax, dear,
Vanessa, harlot...

What Duckman's trying to say

in his own barely intelligible
kind of way

is that there's no rush.

You have time.

Surely, this can wait.

Well, my head says you're right,
Bernice,

but my heart says don't listen.

I love your nephew.

He's touched me
in places

no one has ever
touched me before.

Don't you even
think of saying it.

Family,
my mind is made up.

We're leaving tonight
for south of the border

to go to Shady Raoul's
Wed 'N' Bed Resort. Adios.

[ walks into door ]

Isn't he adorable?

Duckman, say something!

Ajax! Can you bring back

one of those black velvet
paintings of Elvis?

What? He's going anyway.

[ tires screeching,
car driving away ]

Welcome to Mexico.

Do you have anything
to declare?

Just that the snarling behemoth
in the seat next to me

is not my wife.

Look, Duckman,
either we put aside
our deep-seated

and, in my case,
justifiable antagonism

and pretend to be newlyweds,
or we don't find Ajax.

What's it going to be?

I'm thinking!

Greetings, Mr. Duckman.

How are you and the lovely wife
today?

I'm fine. She's dead.

[ screams ]

He means dead on my feet.

Don't you, snookums?

We've had a long drive,

[ choking ]:
and my hu... husba... hus...

My husband [ sighs ]
is a little cranky.

Well, then we'll get you

muy pronto
to your honeymoon love nest.

Any place without witnesses
will do. Aah!

Room 2016.

The Jungle Suite.

Say, amigo, any chance

of getting an extra bed
and a couple of rolls

of barbed wire in there?

My pookie is such a kidder.

Duckman!

What the hell are you doing,
Bernice?

You want me to go blind?

Listen, you dust mite,

you're supposed to be
looking for Ajax.

If you can't even
do that right,

make yourself useful
and oil my back.

[ gasps ]

Hi.

I'm Kiki, your social director,
who got the job

because I'm perkier
than a ferret.

So, might I give you a tour
of our wonderful resort, huh?

We'd rather just lie here
and get skin cancer

if it's okay
with you. Aah!

What a lovely way to see
who else is staying here.

And, finally, we have
our marriage coliseum.

We're able to keep
our rates so low

because we deal in bulk.

Do you take your boyfriend,
girlfriend,

sibling, parent, pet, or plant
to be your lawfully wedded mate?

ALL:
I do.

We've seen this place
from soup to nuts

and no sign of the kid.
Where could he be?

Aah... maybe he's doing
what most grooms do

with their new brides.
What, you think

he gambled away
all the wedding gifts

and told his wife
the room was broken into?

Let's go.

We're going to scour
every square inch

of this place again
till we find him.

Wow. Tomorrow at this time,
I'll be Mr. Vanessa.

[ mumbling ]

Bernice, the floss.

Oh. I said

I'm exhausted.

We spent the whole
day and night looking,

and we still didn't find him.

Now we have to get a few
hours sleep and start again.

At least we got a hot tub.

My muscles haven't been this
loose since Beatrice used to...

Well, it's been a long time.

Huh.
[ clears throat ]

Nice room, isn't it?

There's even
a bottle of champagne.

"Call of the Beast."
Must be very rare.

I've never heard
of Nairobi Vineyards.

Little bubbly?

I know, it's the water jets

plus that damn
digestive problem of mine.

I... [ chuckles ] You didn't
mean the water, did you?

[ gulping ]

Hmm, I wonder what this does.

[ romantic music plays ]

Wow, there must be speakers
hidden all over the room.

I think there's even one
under the water.

No way.

Yeah, hop in.

You can feel it.

See, it vibrates.

Mmm. You're right.

[ gulps ]

Uh... Bernice,

uh, don't take this
the wrong way, but...

you look
very attractive tonight.

In an I-know-you're-still-
the-shrewish-and-hateful-

bane-of-my-existence
kind of way.

You know, you look better to me
than you usually do, too.

I don't know if you remember,
but, uh, this isn't

the first time we've been
in a hot tub together.

That night
at the Dickinsons' party,

I snuck up from behind you,
thinking you were Beatrice.

[ tittering, snorting ]:
Yeah.

I'm sorry I slapped you.

It was an honest mistake.

We were identical twins.

Mmm... if I
remember correctly,

there were
a couple of differences.
[ giggles ]

You know, you didn't
have any trouble

filling out
that swimsuit yourself.

Well...

Well...

Jesus Marimba!

Mmm...

Humina-humina-how-wah!

Oh!

[ both gulping ]

[ clock ticking ]

[ both screaming ]

[ both screaming ]

[ both screaming ]

Did I...? Did you?
Did you?

Did we?
[ knock at door ]

Your husband!

I'll hide in the...
Duckman,

I'm not married.

Oh. Right. Force of habit.

Who is it?

It's us.

[ both screaming ]

Dad, Aunt Bernice,

I can't believe
what I'm seeing.
I'm appalled.

Ajax, there's a simple...

You're always telling me
about Mr. Wrinkle,

and you didn't hang up
any of your clothes.

Vacation, son.
It's allowed on vacation.

Ajax, where have you been?

We looked all over for you.

We've been here.

You both seemed so upset

about Vanessa and I
being engaged,

I figured you'd like to know

we're not getting married.

BOTH:
You're not?!

Rethought
my offer, huh?

Actually, Dad,

it's because we really don't

know each other well enough,

and I'm too young anyway.

We'll get married later

when he won't make
my car insurance skyrocket.

I'm very proud of you, son.

Me, too, Ajax.

Thanks, Dad,
Thanks, Aunt Bernice.

The important thing is,
you let me make my own decision.

Thanks for treating me
like a grownup

who can figure out things
for himself.

[ walks into wall ]

Well, that worked out.

Yeah, sure did.

Duckman...
Bernice...

[ both laughing and snorting ]

Look, it didn't
happen, right?

Absolutely not even
in the realm of possibility.

[ Bernice and Duckman
screaming ]

Newlyweds.