01x10 - Fire at the Dispensary

[bunniefuu]

Eddie!

Eddie!

Penisi!

Where are you?

Eddie!

Oh, no. Eddie!

[GRUNTS]

I found Penisi. He's down.

Looks like the ceiling fell on him.

MAN: You rookies are a pain in my ass.

Get him up fast, McConky.
The fire's spreading.

All right, come on, Eddie. Let's go.

[GRUNTS]

Damn, you're heavy!

Aah!

[POP]

Boom. And there you have it, folks.

That was the moment
I popped my left nut.

Ew. Ouch. 22 years ago today.

Do we have any audio on that?

Like, d-did it actually
make a popping sound?

- Yeah, it sounded like this. [POPS]
- [ALL GROAN]

I still hear that sound in my dreams.

Oh, whatever. It doesn't
make a popping sound.

That's an old wives' tale.

Mm. I don't know. I
think an old wife would be

the last person to know what
a popping nut sounds like.

- [LAUGHS] Know what I mean?
- Yeah, well, thanks to Eddie,

I was never able to have a son.

Hey! What is that supposed to mean?

The nut I popped was my boy nut.

ANDY: Wait a minute,
Chief. So you think one nut

is filled with boy sperm

and the other nut is
filled with girl sperm?

Yeah, the nut that hangs
lower is the boy nut.

That's the one I popped.
Thus, the three daughters.

Chief, Chief, Chief,
Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief,

a boy is made when a
sperm with a Y chromosome

fertilizes the egg.

A girl is made when a
sperm with an X chromosome

fertilizes an egg.

Exactly. My left nut had
all the Y chromosomes.

"My Left Nut"... a terrific
Daniel Day-Lewis film.

Hey, you guys, we only need to focus

on the one ball that
matters... football.

- Yeah!
- Oh!

And we need to celebrate our
team going to the big game!

- Go Seattle!
- Sports!

Yeah, Super Bowl!

Sports AF!

[ALL CHEERING]

[FOREIGNER'S "HOT BLOODED" PLAYS]

♪♪

♪ Well, I'm hot blooded ♪

♪ Check it and see ♪

♪ I'm hot blooded ♪

ANNOUNCER: And today is the day.

We're an hour away from kickoff,

and you can only wonder what
is going through the minds...

Why are you even trying to record it?

You know we're gonna
watch it live, right?

I'm so sick of getting called out

and missing half the game, all right?

Super Bowl Sunday is the biggest
paramedic day of the year...

people having heart
att*cks, choking on wings.

Dude, just for once... for once...

especially with Seattle playing,
I want to see the whole game.

But how are we gonna avoid
knowing what the score is

when we're out in public?

Somebody tells me the score,

I'ma zap them with my defib paddles.

[WHISPERS] Have you ever done it before?

Yeah, I m*rder*d like
three people doing that.

TERRY: All right, listen
up here, guys. Listen up.

Just in case any of you were thinking

about snorting crank for
the big shindig today,

I just got word... we're
getting drug tested on Tuesday.

Hey, Chief, do steroids count?

Just asking for a
friend named Ike Crystal.

"Oh, does, uh, propecia count?

Just asking for an idiot."

- Oh.
- Oh, no. [CHUCKLES]

Okay. Regardless, I know
weed is legal out there,

but under my roof, punishable by death.

Didn't we used to call
you Cheech McConky?

Ha. Funny. I never touched the stuff.

I wouldn't want to mess with
my lightning-fast reaction time.

Oh! Think fast.

LUCY: Oh! [LAUGHS]

I'm so sorry, Chief. I'm so sorry.

- Ike, damn it!
- I'm so sorry! I know!

- No ball in here.
- I know, but I thought...

I thought you were ready.

- You can't do that to the chief.
- No, I know.

I thought you had quick reflexes.

Ike, go sit in the corner.

- Sit in the corner!
- No, I'm so sorry.

Andy, I am so screwed.

I went to a party on Friday
night, and I ate a brownie.

Turns out it had weed in it.

You had no idea?

None.

[BUBBLING]

Ahh!

[CHUCKLING] Ooh!

Man, that's smooth.

Hey, is there a lot of
pot in those brownies?

Tons. I can't move my arms.

[CHUCKLES] Snap! Then
I better just have two.

Mmm!

[CHOMPS]

Did you freak when you found out?

Uh, yeah, I was super-upset.

And then they carried
me out of the strip club.

[LAUGHTER]

My dad and my uncle were there.

If I test positive on this,
my dad is going to k*ll me.

Yeah. He's gonna go berserk.

Ooh, I might need to get high for that.

Chief, that was a bad one,
okay? You weren't ready.

- That was totally my fault.
- Okay.

- Go long. Ready?
- Don't, I just. No, don't...

- Oh!
- I'm so sorry!

- I thought you were ready!
- Listen.

- You were looking right at me.
- No game for you.

- No party for you.
- No, Chief!

No party!

Yeah, so, if you could be
the most amazing little sister

in the world and pee in a
cup and not tell Mom and Dad,

I'll do your geometry
homework for a month.

You did what last weekend? Ugh!

Dude, put your little
sister on the phone.

- Are you sucking on pennies?
- Maybe.

You look like a slot machine.

You know, sucking on pennies is
just to b*at the breathalyzer.

Yeah, I know, but I got
to cover all my bases.

I cannot fail this test.

You're so screwed.

Maybe you can look online
to find different ways

to b*at a drug test.

You know, cranberry juice is for
a UTI, so that's not gonna work.

Yeah, I know.

Oh...

TERRY: Game time, come on!

- Ugh.
- Don't judge me.

- Yeah, come on, Seattle. Let's go.
- Yeah, baby.

Hey, guys, the rain stopped.

Bring on the fires, right? [LAUGHS]

- Why would you say that?
- I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

All right.

Kicks! He's lightening fast!

- Yeah! That's a good sign.
- I like it.

Hey, Eddie, since this
is the 22nd anniversary

of me rescuing you, why don't
you go fix me a plate of food?

Oh, yeah, I got your plate right here.

You should be happy to do it.

You're living on borrowed
time thanks to me.

- Really?
- Every cooking contest you lose,

every time you get your assh*le waxed,

every police captain's
wife you have sex with...

- They were separated...
- every 73-year-old woman's hip

you break doing missionary bufu...

She said she was dying.

... every time you say,
"I'm Eddie Penisi"...

Well, I am Eddie Penisi.

- ... all thanks to me.
- Hey, guys.

Can you respectfully stop bickering

until the game is over?

Yeah, I can stop bickering
if this guy shuts up.

- Okay.
- And here we go!

- Here we go.
- Here we go.

Simmons gets it at the Seattle


- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Oh, nice!

He's at the 20, the 30,
and all the way past midfield!

[ALL CHEERING]

[ALARM BLARING]

WOMAN: Station 24, all
units, structure fire.

- Repeat... structure fire.
- No!

Why would a fire start
when the rain stops?!

[GROANS]

[BLARING CONTINUES]

Hey, Granny, don't worry. We
can watch the game on my phone.

No, man!

Listen, we're DVRing the game, okay?

No one watches, no updates, nothing.

And I'm turning off all devices
so we don't find out the score.

I second that one.

I'm surprised you're even coming, Chief.

Shouldn't you be staying
behind to do inventory?

Maybe you can count how
many testicles you got left.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Yeah, I figured I'd come along

in case you needed
someone to save your life.

- Whoa!
- Whoa-ho-ho!

Good one, Chief.

[SIREN WAILING]

♪♪

[FIRE TRUCK HORN BLARES]

♪♪

Car one on the scene.

We have a two-story
commercial structure.

There's a working fire.

Car one in command.

[BRAKES SQUEAL, HISS]

Is that what I think it is?

It is if you think
it's a weed dispensary.

I'm getting hungry just looking at it.

What do we got?

Let's use the att*ck line
off the rear step.

- Andy.
- Got it, Cap.

And try not to lose
consciousness in there, Cap.

Oh, okay, have fun
doing nothing outside.

Try to make some friends.

I forget what snippy,
little b*tches they turn into

on their pop-nutaversary.

Hey, Lucy, you make the
hydrant. You're pumping this job.

All right, boys, let's
go to work. Let's go.

[ALARM BLARING]

Hey, Andy, they have
this urine detox product

in these dispensaries.

It's called Urine Da Money.
Will you grab me some?

Yeah, I'll put it on the top
of my list when I get in there.

Wait, really?

Go!

♪♪

ANNOUNCER: And Pittsburgh
has answered back

beautifully to Seattle's
opening touchdown.

And that's the end of the first
quarter... score Seattle!

- Whoa!
- What the hell are you doing?

The TV, it was gonna explode
from the, uh, the heat.

- Come on, man.
- Come on, let's keep going.

Keep going. Nobody smashes any more TVs.

Come on.

[BLARING CONTINUES]

Ike, you and Granny take that back room.

Andy, go with them.
I'll take the nozzle.

Here we go.

[WATER RUSHES]

♪ Get lit, get lit ♪

Do you think magicians' doves are happy?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

I wish I had a horse.

♪♪

Hey, it's Voltron.

[LAUGHING]

No, we're not Voltron,
pal. We're firefighters.

We're here to get you out.

- Come on, let's go.
- What?

No, man, we're good. This
is, like, a dope AF hotbox.

Well, it's about to
get really hot in here

when this is on fire, so let's go.

But how do I know you guys
are who you say you are?

I just said it! We're firefighters!

But how do I know the
building is actually on fire?

Do you hear that smoke alarm?

- What's it sound like?
- Are you kidding me?

Listen! It's going right now!

[IMITATES SMOKE ALARM]

I'm not getting it. Are you getting it?

Give me another one. You do it.

Whee-ooh, whee-ooh, whee-ooh.

- No.
- Whee-ooh, whee-ooh, whee-ooh.

That's it. Maybe all three of you.

- All three of you.
- [ALL IMITATING FIRE ALARM]

- Do you not hear that?
- You can't hear that?

GRANNY: Whee-ooh, whee-ooh, whee-ooh.

- That's EDM! That's some good EDM!
- All right. Come with me.

Let's go. Get up. Get
your ass off the couch.

Myawani, you okay?

My mask malfunctioned.

- Here, pal, use mine.
- You know what?

Huh. I can... I can
breathe okay out here.

- [INHALES DEEPLY]
- Yeah. I'm good.

- I'm good.
- Granny?

[INHALES DEEPLY, COUGHS] No...

Here, use mine.

- Is yours okay?
- No, no. I'm good.

- You want to use mine?
- No, no, I'm good.

- Thank you, Granny, but I'm good.
- You sure?

- I think we're okay, fellas.
- Yeah. Sure.

[COUGHS]

ALL: Whee-ooh, whee-ooh, whee-ooh.

Whee-ooh, whee-ooh, whee-ooh.

- Yo!
- Super-bright.

Ah, the building really is on fire.

See, I thought it was a drill.
You should've said something.

That's literally all I
said was the building...

we're trying to get you
out, the building's on fire.

Oh, man, we got the
rest of the people out.

Hey, what happened to your masks?

- What's that?
- What happened to your masks?

Oh, uh, Andy lost his, and then,
uh, I-I-I borrowed him mine.

Then, of course, I didn't have one.

And then Granny...

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHING] Granny...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

Because Granny... [LAUGHING]

Are you guys stoned right now?

No.

I'm high as a bat.

I'm gonna fail the sh*t out
of that drug test, though.

TERRY:Myawani, I need you back in here.

Copy, Cap.

- Yeah.
- Let me get that mask.

- Yeah, of course.
- Thank you.

This is my chance.

Hey, Lucy, where the hell are you going?

Uh, uh, fire's almost out.

I'm gonna go check
the heat levels inside.

No, there's smoke in there. You
can't go in there without a mask.

I'll get my mask.

You know you're supposed to
be on the truck. Let's go.

Copy that, Chief.

[CHUCKLES]

And Seattle scores!

Seattle just ran an interception
back for a touchdown!

- Yeah!
- Yes!



Whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen
to me, citizens, okay?

I'm gonna need all of your cellphones

inside of this bag, all right?

All your cellphones,
tablets, any other devices.

It's an order from
the fire commissioner.

Come on. Mobile devices
have been exploding

spontaneously around burning buildings.

It's a scientific fact. Look it up.

Well, you can't 'cause I
got your phones now, so...

You'll get them back once we've
contained all of this, okay?

[LAUGHS]

[SLURRING WORDS]

Oh, my God! My baby!

Ma'am, step away from that building.

My baby! My baby's inside!

I'll go. I'll go.

You have to save my baby!

♪♪

Come back. Andy, hold it
steady. Get back there.

Man, this fire's growing.

♪♪

Huh? "My Baby?"

Oh, come on.

You got to be kidding
me. Stupid stoners.

- Aah! Aah!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]

♪♪

Hey, Cap, have you ever had
European chocolate before?

Uh, probably. Why?

I find it more perfumy
than the American stuff.

- Would you agree with me?
- What the hell are you talking about?

I don't know, man. I'm stoned.

[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH]

- Hey, whoa, whoa.
- What?

- Hey, what's going on?
- Wh... What happened?

What happened to the water?

Lucy, where's the water?

I don't know. We lost pressure.

I should probably come inside.

No, just find out what
happened to the water.

Oh, going through the
halftime flush, huh?

- The... The what?
- You know, the halftime flush.

Halftime on Super Sunday is the
single biggest flush of the year.

Water pressure drops
all around the city.

Man, it's, like, scientific.

Captain, it's the halftime flush.

All right, we're coming out. This
fire's already flaring back up.

♪♪

I remember you said you had a
juice box. You still have them?

Lucy, where's the water pressure?

I don't know.

Ooh. It's not on yet.

Hey, halftime's still going.

- Andy!
- Rainbow Juice just hit the stage.

Rainbow Juice? What the
hell's Rainbow Juice?

You don't know who Rainbow Juice is?

They're, like, the hottest
girl band out of Tasmania.

Come on. They even sing that song.

[OFF-KEY] ♪ Oh, we're not all animals ♪

♪ We're not all animals ♪

Ooh, look! Steven Tyler
just hit the stage.

This is gonna really happen.

I love her.

Chief, the water pressure's still down,

and the t*nk's empty.
What do you want to do?

Oh, Granny, Granny...

Chief, you there?

Chief?

Is the chief a bigger fellow?

Looks like a pumpkin on popsicle sticks?

Yes, that's exactly right.

He ran into the building.

Terry, you there?

Andy, we're going back.

To the station?

Oh, I think it's irresponsible
for us to leave now.

- Just come with me.
- Okay.

Chief! Chief!

Terry!

There he is.

All right, on three. One, two, three.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

♪♪

Make a clear path outside
and get the paramedics ready.

- I'll bring him out.
- Copy, Cap.

Damn, you are heavy.

Aah!

- [POP]
- Oh, my nut!

Ooh! It really does
make a popping sound.

Huh? Huh?

I hope you're happy,
you top-heavy A-hole.

Eddie, save yourself.

I'm so high.

I'm too high to survive.
I'm very, very high.

Don't be stupid. I got you.

I love you, Eddie,
like a little brother.

Like a tiny brother, Eddie.

Jesus Christ, it's awkward enough

without you saying my name twice.

I never told you this, but I'm
really jealous of your mustache.

It's a really good mustache... strong.

Well, it goes without
saying, my mustache

is awesome and yours sucks,
but what are you gonna do?

You've only got like 12 hair
holes on your entire face.

[LAUGHS] It's so nice
of you to say that.

You've got a good heart, you know that?

- I love how you love cats.
- You know what?

- You're almost too good of a man.
- Yep.

That'll be the name
of my autobiography...

"Eddie Penisi... Too Good of a Man."

Oh, you know what, though?

Of all the things that are fat on you,

- I think your face is the fattest.
- Terry,

all I know is I'm
about to save your life

and get a gigantic monkey off my back.

I'm the monkey.

Consider us even, you nutless mother...

Aah!

[BOTH GRUNT]

LUCY: Cap?

Cap, you all right in there?

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

♪♪

[GRUNTS]

- Oh!
- Chief! Chief!

Oh, man!

Holy sh*t.

I saved your life, my dude.

What? No. I saved you. We are even.

No, maybe not. I carried you
out of a burning building.

I saved your life twice, and
they all took pictures of it!

- [LAUGHING]
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

- Whoo-hoo! Whoo!
- No, no, no.

I found you unconscious
inside that building,

and I carried you all
the way to the front door.

- I have a witness.
- That's bullshit.

- Andy.
- What's up, Cap?

We found Chief unconscious inside,

- and I carried him out, right?
- When? Just now?

I don't remember anything. [LAUGHS]

Eat it, Penisi. I saved your life twice,

and there's nothing you can do about it.

No, no, no, no.

I popped a nut.

Oh, you wish you popped a nut.

g*dd*mn it, I could go for
some bread pudding right now.

Anybody else in the
mood for bread pudding?

I do! Raise my hand!

No, but I would punch
a cat in the assh*le

for some Taco Bell.

Oh, you think they make
bread pudding at Taco Bell?

If they did, it would be
called pudito breadito.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Pudito breadito! I'd
eat the sh*t out of that.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Okay, you know what? I am officially
stoned, and I think I like it.

Well, good. I like you stoned, too.

All right, but who's
gonna drive the engine?

Lucy can do it.

She never went inside,
so she's not high.

No can do, El Capitan.
Sorry. Can't do it.

You see that smoke
billowing out of there?

Ugh, secondhand smoke.

I just got caught the gnarliest buzz,

and I'm just faded AF.

[LAUGHS] It's all so baffling.

I don't know.

- Really?
- Really.

Maybe I can drive.

- Shut up.
- Ike, you okay to drive?

Not a chance.

[LAUGHTER]

Why are we laughing?

Think about this one.

Every single person at one time

was the youngest person on Earth.

[LAUGHS] Whoa.

Right? [LAUGHS] Right?

Yo, that just blew my mind, man.

- That's deep.
- I know. I know.

Hey, you know what's great?

I still don't know anything
about the game.

Ah, that's good!

Man, best game in history.

Hey, man, you don't have to talk

- about it.
- Why not? It was epic, dude.

Well, I'm DVRing it right now, so...

I hate guys like you.
I'm sorry, but I do.

You DVR the game, and then
no one can talk about it.

And everybody knows, and the
whole city's going bananas.

- Whoa, whoa.
- "Oh, I DVR'd the game.

Nobody say anything." Well, guess what?

- The final score...
- No, no, no. Stop! Stop!

- ... was Seattle, 49 to 48.
- Please, I beg you! No, no, no!

Yeah, that's right. Seattle won.

It all turned around
in the fourth quarter

- after they were down by 5...
- What are you doing?

- No, no. What are you doing?
- Clear, bitch!

- Hang on!
- Aah!

Holy sh*t!

[LAUGHS]

That's the best part
about being a paramedic.

- You can do sh*t like that.
- Okay.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

[CHOMPING]

- [LAUGHTER]
- Mmm!

[GULPS]

g*dd*mn. A $500 Miller at a
two-Michelin-star restaurant

ain't got nothing on this pudding, man.

I don't know what a Michelin
restaurant is, but it is good.

Yeah! Stoned AF!

Hey, remember when that
stoned kid called 911

because Dimpus Burger was
out of the Nifty meals?

[LAUGHTER]

That kid... That kid painted
That kid painted his dog blue

and made it look for clues
for the missing Nifty meals.

[LAUGHTER]

Was that the same kid?!
That was the same kid!

[LAUGHTER]

- Oh, man!
- Oh, man!

High AF in here.

[LAUGHING]

What? I can feel you looking at me.

Oh, you are not fooling me, young lady.

You are not stoned.

What? I'm so stoned right now.

Oh, please. You think I don't know

what a person not on dr*gs looks like?

Fine, but please don't
tell Dad I'm not high.

[SIGHS] All right, just this once.

But don't let it happen again.

Oh, thank you, Mom. You're the best.

Cap, how's the popped nut?

Oh, the popped nut is delicious.
I highly recommend it.

[LAUGHTER]

Regarding its companion,
the still active nut,

I must say, it is strange to know

that I'll only be operating
on one nut from now on.

But I did save Chief's
life, making us even.

No, please.

If you ever decide to
have kids and we find out

it's your girl nut that
survived, then we'll be even.

Wait, whoa, whoa. What does that mean?

Y'all ready for this?

It means I hope his
popped nut is the one

that holds all the Y chromosomes
so he only has daughters.

Uh, honey, sweetheart,
it doesn't work that way.

Yes, it does. You're a
nurse. You should know that.

What, so you think, uh,
one testicle has the Y sperm

and the other testicle has the X sperm?

- Uh, yeah.
- It does.

[LAUGHS] He's a [BLEEP] idiot.

[LAUGHING]

Both of you guys are idiots.
What other explanation is there

for why I only have daughters?

Actually, you know, uh, boys are made

when the wife has an
orgasm during conception.

And, uh, girls are made when they don't.

Oh!

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER STOPS]

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

Hey, you guys, I am
having the time of my life.

Nothing can bring me down.

Eddie Penisi.

Lola, what are you doing here?

I'm pregnant.

I'm glad I'm not Eddie Penisi.

[LAUGHTER]

Oop! Time to go.

[LAUGHTER]

All right, Cap.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

Ma'am.

Whoo!

Now, let's talk about buying a house.

Oh, God, I am having a panic att*ck.

Does anyone remember
where their rooms are?

- Yeah.
- Oh, I know where Andy's is.

- LUCY: I do.
- I thought you were stoned.

I am. I'm totally stoned.

I'm room 420.

ANDY: Oh! Party in the probie's room!

Party AF!

No, Dad.

Wow. Do you guys know how...

[LAUGHS] You okay?

Just don't go "meh" before you do it.

Guys, I'll be on the roof
keeping lookout, okay?

If anything happens,
okay, I'm gonna call down.

I'll say, "Meh, what's going on?!" Okay?

That's good, 'cause I don't
like getting my d*ck tapped.

Good, then I won't tap that d*ck

'cause I wouldn't know where
to find it in the first place.

Oh, you should check your mom's
ass, 'cause that's where it is.

You son of a [BLEEP] bitch.

MAN: All right, all right, all right.

No updates, no nothing. And we...

Why am I taking my pants off?

All right. Stay there, stay there.

Well, a drinking danger is... Sorry.

[LAUGHTER]

Good, 'cause I don't like
getting my d*ck tapped.

I wouldn't know how to tap
it. It's so hard to find.

Oh, yeah? You'll find
it in your mom's ass.

Something that small can't
go in that tight hole.

[LAUGHTER]

You're not gonna scare me, okay?

I'm a man grown, I'm not
some little bouncing baby boy

- you can scare...
- Whoa!

Oh! Ah, sh*t! [LAUGHS]

You okay?

Thanks. Why don't...

- Thanks. Thanks.
- Thanks.

Canyon Breeze... weighing in
or weighing out with the gr...

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

Somehow, she got word
that you guys are trying

to get some nudity into
this new concept of yours.

She has called off...

But, Chief...

MAN: There it is again.

But, Chief, she's a girl.

[LAUGHTER]

[ALL CHEERING]

Come here. Come here. Bring it in.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]