01x05 - A God Buys Us Cheeseburgers

[bunniefuu]

[Percy] Back in Jersey, I told you
the Oracle said this quest would fail.

[Annabeth] Fail to save what matters most.
That could mean a lot of things.

I started out as a gift to my father.
That's how it works with Athena.

And for a while,
I was treated like a gift.

My father, he's had his chances.
Honestly, you've done more for me

in the past few days
than my father's done in my entire life.

Careful. I think you were about
to call me a friend.

[Percy] I have a chance to rescue my mom.
I can't let anything stop me.

[roars]

[♪ suspenseful instrumental music playing]

[growling]

[Nereid] Your father is here.
He's always been here.

-Trust him. Just breathe.
-[♪ music concludes]

[breathes deeply]

[♪ tense instrumental music playing]

-[sirens wailing]
-[indistinct chatter on radio]

[indistinct chatter]

They're looking at us.

[Annabeth] Yeah.

So we should probably get outta here,
don't you think?

Dude, they're looking right at us.

-What?
-[whispers indistinctly]

Come on. Let's go find Percy.

-Annabeth…
-He's alive.

I know it.

-Percy!
-[Grover] Percy!

[helicopter blades whirring]

Percy!

[Grover] Percy!

[♪ gentle instrumental music playing]

Hi.

Look, I'm sorry about shoving you
in the stairwell.

Even hearing myself say that
sounds really bad,

but I just-- I knew you'd never agree,
and there wasn't enough time--

So…

you're not as dead
as we thought you'd be.

Surprise.

What happened?

Short version,
we need to go to Santa Monica.

What, like now?

My father's gonna meet me there.
He's gonna help us.

Okay. Uh, just one problem with this plan.

The police think
that we crashed an Amtrak train

and then did that.

-Th-- The cops are after us?
-Yeah.

Isn't that gonna make it hard for us
to get on a train?

Or a bus?
Or really anything you need tickets for?

[♪ music fades]

[bird cawing]

[Percy] Hey, guys.

I think this quest might be harder
than we thought.

I've been thinking.

I didn't steal the master bolt.
You guys didn't steal the master bolt.

We're pretty sure
Hades has the master bolt,

but he couldn't have stolen it himself.

I mean, we don't even know
who actually stole the thing,

or why, or how deep this goes.

I'm the last person to realize this,
aren't I?

-Yeah.
-[sighs] Okay, so…

maybe when we started,
my head wasn't fully in this,

but since the river…

it all feels different somehow.

He saved me.

My dad.

I guess I just really never thought
that's something he'd do for me.

So maybe I gotta take things
more seriously now.

-[motorcycle engine revving]
-Car.

That's not a car, it's a bike.
Just let it pass. Come on.

I'm saying,
we're not just trying to retrieve a thing.

I think we might need
to be detectives here, too.

Yeah.

Why are you being weird with me again?
I thought we weren't doing that anymore.

-I'm not being weird.
-Yes, you are.

You've been weird since we left the Arch.

Oh… I get it.

It doesn't have to be a thing, you know.
That you hugged me.

-[sighs] Oh, boy.
-I mean, we're like friends now.

That seems like a thing friends do.

-At least I think they do.
-I saw the Fates.

Back at the Arch, I saw the Three Fates,
and I saw Atropos cut a piece of thread.

And that's bad or…?

The Fates weave the life strand
of every living thing.

-When you see a string cut--
-It means one of us is going to die.

-We're all gonna die eventually.
-Soon.

It's a warning.

-An omen.
-[motorcycle approaching]

[sighs] Okay. Guys, we need to talk
about this whole fate thing.

Three old ladies with a ball of yarn
can't know what's gonna happen.

What I choose to do changes
what's gonna happen, and I can choose

-to do anything I… want.
-[motorcycle engine stops]

[biker] Need some help?

[Grover] Beg pardon?

I asked if you could use some help.

[Grover] Nope. No. We're-- We're good.
Appreciate you asking, though. So long.

[inhales deeply]

You don't seem too good.

[Annabeth]
We don't want anything from you.

You sure?
Because you guys are so behind schedule.

[♪ tense instrumental music playing]

I mean, summer solstice
is just a few days away.

And as much as I'd love to see
a good w*r pop off,

as your big cousin, I feel like, maybe,
I wanna give you a hand.

Cousin?

-Ares.
-[Ares] You must be Athena's kid.

Always gotta be the wisest one
in the bunch.

[Annabeth] Why would you help us?

How do you even know
about what we're doing out here?

Because I'm doing exactly
the same thing as you.

Zeus sent all of his kids out looking
for the master bolt, too.

Listen, dummies. I'm hungry.

There's a halfway decent diner
up the road.

If you want my help, you'll meet me there.
But don't dawdle.

Won't wait forever.

[engine revving]

[Percy] That's my cousin?

What kind of family is this?

-Come on.
-[♪ music intensifies]

[♪ music concludes]

-[bell chiming]
-[indistinct chatter]

[♪ retro music playing over speaker]

[Ares laughing]

-[laughs]
-Guess this is the right place.

[sighs]

Gimme a second,
I'm just starting a fight on Twitter here.

Nothing makes me happier than
a good old-fashioned, burn-it-down fight.

-Ah. Okay, done.
-[phone clatters]

So your quest… [sighs] …is going
to fail. Ask me how I know.

-It isn't gonna fail.
-[Ares scoffs] Sure it is.

For starters…

Percy was always troubled,

but I never thought
he was capable of something like this.

Wh-- Who's that?

-My stepdad. What's he doing?
-[reporter] And in addition

-to the destruction at the Gateway Arch…
-What's he doing?

-Wait for it.
-…you believe he may also have

had something to do
with your wife's disappearance?

A kid that messed up?

-What wouldn't he do?
-What?

-[Ares] Wild, right?
-[reporter continues speaking on phone]

The FBI is already spreading
your picture around.

It's a Camaro.
I really-- We really loved that car.

[whimpers]

So much.

-Cut. [sobs]
-I'm gonna k*ll him.

I knew I was gonna like you.

But safe to say,
the chances of you three idiots

hitchhiking the rest of the way to L.A.
without getting arrested are slim to none.

[Annabeth] Why are you sitting here then?

If you're supposed to be looking
for the master bolt too,

shouldn't you be out there looking for it?

Hm. There's no fear in you, is there?

Doesn't matter.
Whether the bolt's retrieved or not,

Zeus is going to w*r with Poseidon.

[♪ ominous instrumental music playing]

No. The Oracle said if we return the bolt,
there wouldn't be a w*r.

Is that what she said?
Or is that what Chiron said she meant?

Yeah.

You're new to the family, young one,
so let me fill you in on how we work.

See, years before I was born,
my grandpa Kronos

ate my aunts and uncles.

Yeah. Then my dad made him puke
them back up,

then chopped him into a million pieces
and chucked 'em into a bottomless pit,

so that kinda set the tone
right outta the gate.

Olympians fight. We betray. We backstab.

We will push anyone down
a flight of stairs to get ahead.

And that's why I love my family so much.

My dad knows he's not getting this bolt
back with quests or goose chases.

He knows there's a w*r coming.

And in reality,
I think he's okay with that.

I think he feels it's just time for a w*r,
so we're gonna have a w*r.

[inhales deeply]

Isn't that great?

We're completing this quest.
We're stopping this w*r.

You said you can help. Can you?

Okay, so here it is.
There's an amusement park up the road.

I left my shield there.
You get me my shield back,

and I'll get you to the Underworld
by lunch tomorrow

with a plan to inv*de Hades's palace.

You left your shield?
Like, forgot it on the merry-go-round?

Okay. The chirping
was funny to me for a minute,

but it is getting old.

So do we have a deal,
or am I k*lling all three of you

so I can eat in peace?

[♪ music continues]

Okay.

Great. One catch.

I really do need that shield back,

so I'm gonna keep the satyr here
as collateral so you don't run off.

-What? No.
-Okay.

No way.

-We don't split up again.
-It's okay.

If he wanted to k*ll us,
we'd be dead by now.

Can I just walk them to the door?

[sighs]

[♪ somber instrumental music playing]

Okay, look. Don't engage with him.

He'll wanna get you riled up,
get in your head and you can't let him.

It's okay. Really.

I know what I'm doing. Go. Get the shield.

I'll be here when you get back.

[♪ music continues]

-[door opening]
-[bell ringing]

[door closing]

[♪ music concludes]

[♪ suspenseful instrumental music playing]

I haven't seen a lot of horror movies,

but this seems like exactly
the kind of place

they'd suggest to avoid.

[Annabeth]
I've never seen any kind of movie.

-I'll have to take your word for it.
-Never?

What do you mean "never"
like, "never-never"?

Is there another kind?

Well, if neither of us is dead
in a few days,

we really ought to fix that.

You're missing out.

In the meantime, we should probably get
this over with, though.

[gate creaks]

-[metal clanging]
-[Annabeth] Wait, Percy, stop.

[♪ dramatic instrumental music playing]

-Wait, what just happened?
-Just hold still.

Gimme a second.

In the mechanism there,
that's Celestial bronze.

Oh, fascinating.
Annabeth, what is happening right now?

Celestial bronze is what
your sword is made of.

If you're a human,
it'll pass right through you.

If you're a monster or a demigod…

-Well, what's it doing there?
-[Annabeth] That's a great question.

Safe to say,
this is not just some amusement park.

-A god built this.
-What kind of god builds amusement parks?

Hephaestus.

Why would Hephaestus build
an amusement park?

[Annabeth] Maybe he finds them amusing?

[Percy]
That's really not funny, Annabeth.

-It's a little funny.
-[sighs]

Oh… Oh, look at that.

-That's cool.
-[Percy] Annabeth!

Just relax. I'm on it.

[sharp exhale] Okay.

I get this. Just…

push through it.

-Push?
-Yep.

'Cause weren't you the one
this morning who was all,

"The Fates say one of us is gonna die
and we should take it really seriously?"

-Percy?
-Yeah?

Just push.

[gears clanging]

[♪ music intensifies]

-[rings]
-[sighs] What was that?

The machine isn't designed to hurt us.
It's meant to scare us. It's a test.

[gate grinds]

-[rings]
-[♪ harmonious instrumental music playing]

Hephaestus wanted to know

any time one of us came poking around
his playground.

[sighs] I guess now he knows.

[♪ music concludes]

-[truck beeping]
-[laughs]

[♪ retro music playing over speaker]

We've met before.

Been around a long time, little boy.
I've met a lot of people.

-I'm 24.
-[scoffs] Good for you.

-We met at the solstice. On Olympus.
-[Ares sighing]

Protestor.

Oh, I wasn't one of the protestors.
I'm a fan.

I think you got me mixed up
with someone else, kid.

No, I don't.

Satyrs eat tofu. Satyrs worship flowers.

Satyrs sing songs about their feelings.
Satyrs are not fans of mine.

Satyrs are children of nature.

Nature is brutal.
Red in tooth and claw, right?

Maybe unpleasant.
But that doesn't make it untrue.

You are the champion of all of that.

I respect it.

So what are you like,
a casual World w*r II buff?

You've seen Saving Private Ryan, have you?

I prefer the Turbot w*r.

The Lobster w*r.

The Three Hundred
and Thirty-Five Years' w*r.

-Your deep cuts.
-Huh.

Those are wars where hardly anyone d*ed.

I like your mellower stuff.

There's something cool about
overwhelming force and a quick surrender.

[♪ pensive instrumental music playing]

No one talks about those anymore.

They should.

[sighs] So tell me where we met again?

[♪ music concludes]

[♪ eerie instrumental music playing]

[Annabeth] Oh, wow.

Look at that.

Tell me the god of craftsmen
didn't build this.

Have you ever seen anything like this?

[Percy] If it belongs
to the god of craftsmen,

what was the god of w*r doing here?
Aren't they enemies?

Then why'd he split without his shield?

[Annabeth] If I'm guessing…

-Ares has always had a thing with--
-[Percy] Aphrodite.

She's Hephaestus's wife.

Oh, you're kidding. He met her here?
In her husband's park?

That's so wrong.

They got caught
and he had to leave in a hurry.

[sighs] One thing Ares was telling
the truth about…

this family is a mess.

-[♪ fairground music starts playing]
-[machinery powering on]

Don't you even try to tell me
not to be weird about this.

-I didn't say anything.
-I can feel you thinking it.

This must be where Ares
and Aphrodite got caught.

The shield must be in there.

We just gotta go get it.

[sighs] Sure. Let's go check out
the scary ghost ride. Why not?

[♪ music concludes]

[distant thud]

[♪ upbeat music playing,
Haddaway "What Is Love"]

♪ What is love? Baby, don't hurt me… ♪

What is happening right now?

Feel like I've heard this before.

I think,
from an orthodontist's office maybe?

♪ What is love? ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
-♪ I don't know… ♪

Wait, I know this.

♪ I give you my love, but you don't care ♪

It's Hephaestus's story.

♪ What is right and what is wrong?
Give me a sign ♪

♪ What is love? ♪

[Percy] Rejected by Hera.

♪ Baby, don't hurt me… ♪

Rejected by Aphrodite.

My mom told me these stories all the time.
I remember this.

She said…

♪ Don't hurt me, no more… ♪

What?

She said this is what the gods are like
to each other.

This is the kind of family they are.

Why didn't you wanna say that just now?

She was trying to keep me away
from you guys.

♪ Don't hurt me…♪

Maybe you were right.

Maybe she should have been
preparing me better.

Maybe she was preparing you.

So when you got to us,
you'd be different than this.

♪ Baby, don't hurt me ♪

♪ Don't hurt me, no more
What is love? ♪

-[♪ song concludes]
-[machinery powering down]

[♪ intense instrumental music playing]

[both yell]

[both exclaim]

[Percy] There it is. Ares's shield.

-[thunder rumbles]
-[♪ music intensifies]

-Jump!
-[Annabeth grunts]

[pants]

[in muffled voice] Percy!

[♪ music concludes]

[both gasping, panting]

[Annabeth coughing]

[panting]

Did you just pull me out of there
with that waterpower stuff?

No.

-Did you just--
-[Percy] I don't know. Maybe?

I'm figuring this out as I go.

[♪ suspenseful instrumental music playing]

How are we supposed
to get that thing down?

These things are connected somehow.

It's a machine,
but how do you start the machine?

I hate kids. All of 'em.
I hate my own kids.

Um, maybe less than other kids,
but still not fond of them.

"Look what I made!"

"What are butterflies for?"
"My knee hurts." [groans]

I love my job, but that night

when everyone's kids show up
for the winter solstice

and I have to sit through
their "presentation."

That night is the worst night of the year,
every year, by far.

This one in particular, it seems.

Since one of those kids
somehow walked off with the master bolt.

[scoffs] Says you.
Who knows who actually took it.

Plenty of people
hate my dad enough to try.

Maybe.
But not many people could pull it off.

Someone Hades could've recruited
for the job.

Says you.

And someone
who could slip away long enough

to do it without being missed,

bold enough to cross Zeus, stealthy enough

-to get their hands on the thing--
-En-- Enough.

[sighs] Not everything is a puzzle
that needs to be solved.

You're as bad as my sister. [sighs]

[♪ pensive instrumental music playing]

-Was she always like that?
-Who?

-Your sister. Athena.
-What do you mean?

Always making things more complicated
than they need to be

so people will think
she's smarter than you.

[♪ music heightens, concludes]

Thank you! I can't be the only one
who sees it, right?

-No. Not at all.
-It certainly feels that way sometimes.

And seriously, she's the smart one?
Really?

If she's so smart, explain the owl.
She talks to it, like, all the time.

This fat, nasty little feathered rodent.
And it's like her best friend.

And we're so sure that she's a genius
and I, no owl, am not?

-Totally!
-It's like people only see

what they wanna see
and ignore anything at all

that doesn't fit the story

-they like to tell themselves.
-Exactly!

Like you being the one
to find the lightning thief and not her.

[♪ tense instrumental music playing]

What did you mean by that?

-By what?
-[Ares] Found the thief.

We both know your friend
didn't steal the bolt.

Yeah, but Zeus thinks he did,

-which is kinda all that matters, right?
-Shut up.

-[♪ music continues]
-[Percy] It was a gift

with a hidden purpose.
Hephaestus offered it to Hera,

but as soon as she sat in it,
she couldn't get up.

All the gods tried,
but the machine was too smart.

It was too strong.
It was too much. Even for them.

Finally, they said
if Hephaestus let Hera free,

Aphrodite would be his wife.

The chair is the bargain.

One of us goes in,
the other gets the shield.

-I'll do it.
-What? Wait a minute.

Whoever goes in, isn't coming out.

-That seems pretty clear.
-I know, that's why I said wait.

This isn't the Arch, Seaweed Brain.
You're not pushing me

-into the stairwell again.
-Yes, I am.

I'm not gonna let you this time.

-It doesn't work that way.
-It's why you're here.

Excuse me?

-[♪ somber instrumental music playing]
-When I was choosing my team,

I told Chiron I needed someone
who wouldn't hesitate to sacrifice me

if the quest required it.

He agreed.

That was you.

You were right.

I can't believe it,
but the Fates were right.

There's no getting around this.
We dodged it at the Arch, barely, but…

maybe this isn't something
you can dodge forever.

The Oracle chose you.

-The gods chose you!
-[Percy] Stop! It isn't about that.

What could it possibly be
about if it isn't about that?

You're better at this than me.

You just are.

And you know it.

Believe me, I wish there was another way
this quest succeeds.

I just don't see it.

[♪ music continues]

[breathes deeply]

I need you to promise me something.

I'm not leaving the Underworld
without your mom.

Thank you.

I was gonna say, when this quest is done,

can you maybe swing back here
and try to get me outta this thing?

[scoffs]

You think you had to ask?

Just making sure.

[sniffs]

[sighs]

-[machinery creaking]
-[♪ music intensifies]

[breathes heavily] This is weird.

It's… warm.

This is a bad idea. Stand up.

I can't.

-Percy, stand up, I mean it.
-[Percy] It's okay.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I'm--

[♪ music concludes]

[♪ somber instrumental music playing]

[sniffles]

[thunder rumbles]

[breathes shakily]

[♪ dramatic instrumental music playing]

[gears creaking]

[grunts]

[♪ music concludes]

[fairground worker] Can I help you?

Do you need some help
finding your way out?

-[♪ plays harmonious melody on flute]
-[gears rumbling]

[♪ tense instrumental music playing]

[fairground worker] So, off you go.

I'm not leaving without my friend.

[fairground worker]
Yeah, that isn't really how it works.

It's kind of a one-way sort of thing.
It can't be undone.

-How do you know?
-Because I built it.

[♪ poignant instrumental music playing]

[sighs]

I'm not leaving here without my friend.

And if you aren't going to help me,

could you maybe leave me alone
so I can focus?

[Hephaestus] In spite of what my brother
might've told you,

I am not someone who'll be pushed around.

[♪ tense instrumental music resumes]

I know your mother was displeased
with you recently.

We both know how she gets.
But this was a lot.

Even for her.

You walk outta here with that shield…

and you're a hero.
On your way to the greatest glory.

She'll be proud and you will be forgiven,

and all will go back
to being as it always has been,

always will be…

-as it should be.
-It isn't how it should be! It isn't!

Eat or be eaten. Power and glory
and nothing else matters.

Ares is that way, Zeus is that way,
my mother is that way.

[♪ somber instrumental music playing]

He isn't that way.

He's better than that.

Maybe I was that way once.

But I don't wanna be that way anymore.

I won't be like all of you.

I just won't.

[♪ plays harmonious melody on flute]

-[gears grinding]
-[♪ tense instrumental music playing]

[pants]

[♪ uplifting instrumental music playing]

[grunts]

[Hephaestus] Some of us don't like being
that way either.

You're a good kid, Annabeth.

I'll put in a good word
with your mom for you.

[♪ somber instrumental music playing]

-[rings]
-[indistinct chatter]

[♪ epic instrumental music playing]

Where's our ride?

[♪ music concludes]

You're kidding.

Get in, don't. I really don't care.

But in a few hours, this thing is gonna be
at the Lotus Casino in Vegas.

Hermes hangs out there.
You play your cards right

and his personal driver can get you
to L.A. in minutes.

Here. Clothes. Cash.
Drachmas to summon Hermes.

I'd wish you luck,
but what good would it do you?

We're not gonna fail.

Don't worry. Your dad had plenty of kids

he stopped caring about
once he lost interest.

-You'll have lots of company.
-[Percy] We're not gonna fail,

and I'm getting pretty tired
of you saying it.

[Grover] Percy.

You think you know who I am,
but you don't.

And if you aren't careful…

you're gonna find out.

-Percy…
-[♪ tense instrumental music playing]

So, thank you for the emotional abuse
and the cheeseburgers…

and the ride.
We're gonna take you up on that, too.

Hey, do you think we could get
some paper towels or something,

it's not that nice in here.

-[♪ music concludes]
-[animals clamoring]

[Percy] Well… this smells.

If it gets us where we need
to go, that's all that matters.

[Percy] Assuming Ares
was telling the truth.

He wasn't.
Not entirely, at any rate.

He was holding something back.

-How do you know?
-Because I think I got it out of him.

[♪ suspenseful instrumental music playing]

I know who stole the master bolt.

[♪ theme music playing]

[Percy] There's more to this
than just the bolt.

Something bigger.

Hey, demigods. Welcome.

We have a huge problem.

[♪ theme music continues]

[♪ theme music concludes]