North (1994)

[bunniefuu]

North's Dad:
You want to know how build a rocket

and send a man into outer space,
don't come to me.

North's Mom: Don't even ask me about it.
You don't wanna know.

North's Dad: You're looking for someone
to perform a delicate brain operation,

- I'm not your man.
- I don't wanna talk about it.

North's Dad: If, on the other hand,
you have any questions, whatsoever,

regarding the quality of
a fine pair of pants,

- look no further.
- Just thinking about it, I'm getting...

Pants. That's what I know.
I know pants. All kinds of pants.

I had a day. Let me tell you something.

North's Dad: So then he says to me,
"oh, yeah, what about chinos?"

North's Mom: As tough as it was for those
Hebrew slaves in ancient Egypt...

- Dad.
- I said, "chinos? Yeah, I know chinos."

- Mom?
- Those slaves were in Disneyland

compared to working in a travel agency.

- Dad?
- About jeans. Please! I grew up on jeans.

- Mom?
- North's Mom: You know,

I'm sure being whipped while you're
building a pyramid's no bargain.

Then he brings up overalls.
Now he's insulting me.

North's Mom: But those slaves
didn't have to book the himmelmans

nonstop to Boca during easter.

North's Dad: Einstein knew arithmetic,
Pavarotti knows singing,

and I know pants.

Narrator: North was positive
he was having a coronary.

I said, "do you know who I am?"

Narrator: Now, as a rule, 11-year-olds
don't experience cardiac events.

"Well, in case you forgot,
let me remind you who I am."

Narrator: But for North,
this was a very stressful time.

"I'm number 6!"

Narrator: Yes. North was having
a difficult time with his folks.

- Dad!
- And it was putting a damper on

what was, in all other respects,
a very successful life.

How successful?

Well, look at the year he'd had.

Photosynthesis.

The process by which
carbohydrates are formed

in the chlorophyll
containing tissues of plants

exposed to sunlight.

♪ If I were a rich man ♪

♪ diguh, diguh, diguh, diguh
diguh, diguh, diguh, diguh, dum ♪

♪ all day long I'd biddy-biddy bum ♪

♪ if I were a wealthy man ♪

hey!

Man: Bravo!

Narrator: An outstanding year
by anyone's standards.

But did North's folks
appreciate how special he was?

- Hardly.
- Dad?

"You hear me? I'm number 6.

"And I was inspecting pants
before you even started wearing them,

"Mr. vice president only because
your father owns the company."

- Mom...
- North's Mom: God forbid the himmelmans

should stop over in Atlanta.
Like that would k*ll them.

I said, "I forgot more about belt loops
than you'll ever know."

You see this rash? You see it? Himmelman.

- There's no ointment for this. None.
- Dad!

North's Dad: I said, "let me remind you
who you're talking to.

"Only this year's recipient
of the coveted Mr. Inseam award."

Well, that shut him up.

Dad. You know what that
stupid Rachel did to me today?

I saw some blood in my stool this morning.

- North's Mom: North?
- North?

- Are you okay?
- What's the matter, son?

Here, loosen his pants.

No, no, I'm okay.

I'm all right. I'm all right.

I'm okay.

Narrator: But North wasn't okay.

This parent thing was starting to
affect every aspect of his life.

Girl: It's turning into the wind.

- What sense does that make?
- It's not, uh...

Maybe it's supposed to show us
where the wind was.

What are we supposed to do
with that information?

To be,

or not to...

Line?

Be.

Be.

- Ball 4.
- That's six in a row.

Time out.

How you doing?

I don't get it.

A child is born, he's given a life,

but then, he's appreciated by everyone
except the folks who gave him that life.

It's just not right.

Uh, let me rephrase the question.
How's the arm?

Mr. Blankman, I've got some problems
that I have to work out.

Problems? You?

North?

Narrator: So, while everyone speculated
as to what could possibly be bothering

last season's most valuable player,

North left the field
and headed straight for his secret spot.

Yes, North had a secret spot.

You know the kind of
spot I'm talking about.

A place that's just ordinary to everyone else
but for some reason is special only to you.

Because no matter where it is,

this is the spot where you can go

and feel that you're away
from everyone and everything.

The spot where you can go
and do your best thinking.

The one place where you can go
to reflect upon what was,

mull over what is,

or just sit back, close your eyes,

and change the world
into whatever you wish it could be.

Now, it's my guess
that even North couldn't remember

when his spot first revealed
its special powers to him,

nor did it even matter at this point.

What was important was

whenever he sat in that huge armchair,

he looked like any other kid

just waiting for his parents
to finish their easter shopping.

And he was sitting on that very spot
the first time I saw him.

Why don't they like me?

What did I do wrong?

You okay, kid?

Yeah.

Good, 'cause I only got a 10-minute break,
and my back is k*lling me.

The last thing I need
is to listen to somebody else's problems.

You hungry?

No, thanks.

Good, 'cause I'm starving,
and this is my last carrot.

So, who are you?

I'm North.

Seen your name on maps.

Very impressive.

Who are you?

I'm the easter bunny. Third floor, toys.

Ah.

At least until Sunday, that is.

And then what do you do?

Whatever I want.

Independently wealthy.



Christmas, maybe Santa Claus.

My life's a holiday.

- How about yours?
- Not lately.

I had a real bad game today.

How bad?

I walked nine panthers
and hit my coach's wife with a wild pitch.

That's bad.

What? You got something on your mind?

Well?

What is it?

I thought you didn't wanna hear
anyone else's problems.

You always believe
everything a stranger tells you?

Come on, spill.

- Nah, you wouldn't understand.
- Try me.

It's my folks.

Yeah, what about them?

I don't know.
All they care about is themselves.

Selfish folks.

Selfish folks.

That is rough.

They don't know what a good thing
they got in you, right?

Exactly, and they're the only ones.

You should hear what all the other parents
say about me.

North's room is always clean.

North always looks both ways.

North never spoils his appetite.

North flosses.

Holy mackerel.
Your folks are sitting on a gold mine.

Tell me about it.

You realize, of course,
that you're not alone.

What do you mean?

Look, kid, just because I'm in a bunny suit

doesn't mean I haven't stumbled across
a basic truth now and then.

The feeling of being
insufficiently appreciated

is a common childhood lament.

- I'm not common.
- 'Course you're not,

but I'll bet you that even
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart,

who wrote a symphony
by the age of three, mind you,

had more than a few evenings then
with an angry parent yelling,

"stop banging on that damn piano
and go to bed, Mozart."

Yeah. Fine.
But Mr. Mozart's dead, and I'm alive.

So I'll bet you that right now
I'm in a lot more pain than he is.

Hard to argue with that one.

At this point,
I'd even settle for Mozart's parents.

Well,

unfortunately, you don't
get to make that choice, kid.

The one thing that we cannot control
in this life is who our parents are.

You're dealt a hand, you're stuck with it.

It's not like baseball, where if you don't
like the deal you have with one team,

you can become a free agent and try to
get a better deal with another team.

Another team.

This is real life, kid.

The rules are different.

Listen, I gotta get back upstairs.

If you want my advice,
and I know you didn't ask for it,

go home, make up, and goodbye.

Narrator: And that was it.

Nothing special.

I just left him there in
that secret spot of his.

Just him and his thoughts.

Free agency.

What a scoop!

A kid becoming a free agent,

then going around
offering his services as a devoted son

to the highest-bidding set of parents.

It's brilliant, North!

Simply brilliant!

- Look. This still isn't for sure yet.
- No?

This could be my Watergate.

Winchell, you put out a two-page leaflet
with a circulation of 90.

Might even land me a Pulitzer.

Hey, I told you this idea
because you're my friend,

not because you're editor
of the school newspaper.

- I'm a journalist, North.
- So?

So you never said
this conversation was off the record.

- Winchell, I need time to think.
- All right. All right.

I'll hold the story,

but, North, a few more displays
like that panther game,

and some of the more attractive parents
may start doing some thinking of their own.

That damn panther game.

And, North,
that geography test we took today?

What about it?

- You got a 34.
- Huh?

Chicago's in Africa?

Mexico is an island off
the coast of Montana?

- Where'd you get this?
- I'm a journalist, North.

I can't reveal my sources.

Besides, how I got this
test is not important.

But why you got this grade is.

Your instincts are correct, old buddy.

You need new parents,
and you need them now.

- Unless...
- Unless what?

Unless you haven't got the guts
to go through with it.

Winchell, I've got more guts
than anybody in this town.

- And you know it!
- Eh, talk is cheap.

I just feel that I owe it to my parents
to give them one last chance.

What can I say?

You came to me, you sought my counsel.

The rest is up to you.

No, no, that's okay.

Thanks, anyway.

Narrator: Yes. North wanted
to give his folks every chance

to keep the family together.

He tried to reach his mom,

but she was too busy
rerouting the himmelmans.

That left dad.

Pants. Can I help you?

Hello. My name is North.
Can I talk to my dad?

- What number?
- Number 6.

Man: Looks like that


Number 6.

Number 6! Yeah.

Phone call for you.

Oh, uh, prom season.

- Get a number, would you?
- It's your son.

Oh... all right. Just a minute.

- Is that piping holding up?
- Very well, Mr. vice president.

Now he's an expert on piping.

- Hello.
- Hello, dad, can I talk to you for a minute?

- Yes, North.
- We need these by 5:00.

I only got two legs here!

North, I'm swamped.
Could we discuss this over dinner, son?

But, dad...

All right. We'll discuss it over dinner.

Yeah, right. Dinner.

Well, that's that.

Okay, guys, let's roll.

- Zoe, you take the south side.
- See you.

Adam... Winchell!

Winchell!

- Winchell!
- Here you go.

- Here you go.
- I've made my decision.

Don't tell me. Let me guess.

North: How did you know?

News travels fast.

Apparently.

I'm proud of you, kid. You got a lawyer?

Why? Do I need one?

North, this is America.

Everyone needs a lawyer.

Lucky for you, I happen to know the best.

Name's Arthur belt.
He's done some work for me.

Pro bono. Let's move it.

- Where will I find this Arthur belt?
- Don't worry. He'll find you.

Come on. We got a paper to get out!

Hello, North. Arthur belt at your service.

The lawyer?

Your lawyer.

From now on, we are a team.

You do what I tell you to do,

you say what I tell you to say,
before you know it

you're gonna have
the best parents in the world.

What do you say, kid?

You sure you can squeeze me in?

What?

Oh, the ambulance chasing thing.

That's nothing.
I just use it to b*at the traffic.

You should try it sometime on your bike.
Now, what do you say, kid?

- Are we a team?
- Yeah, I guess so.

Hey, hey, hey. You know so.

Narrator: Yes, North was actually
going to go through with it

and challenge the entire concept of family
as we know it.

And the effect was immediate,
as kids now faced their parents

with a confidence they once
could only dream about.

What a great idea. North is a genius.

Jeffrey, don't be ridiculous.

Now, where did I put that phone number
for Arthur belt?

Did I say "ridiculous"?

What I meant to say was,
you look very handsome today, Jeffrey.

You realize North will never pull this off?

He's North. He can do anything.

Come on, Andy, his folks
are gonna fight it.

Of course, they are.
They're not gonna take this lying down.

Narrator:
And then the media circus began.

How do you feel about this?

Is Winchell's story accurate?

Can we take that as a "yes"?

North, you think you can pull this off?

No comment.

North, if you are successful,
how will your actions affect mother's day?

No comment!

In 1793, the cotton gin was invented.

North, could you please tell us
the name of the inventor?

E-e...

Okay.

Under strict advice from counsel,
I must respectfully say no comment.

Narrator: Finally, North's day in court
arrived and the world was watching.

All rise for the honorable judge buckle.

All sit for the honorable judge buckle.

Now, then, let me remind you,
this is a trial, this is not a hearing.

Even though both sides will be
saying things, and I'll be hearing them,

it is still not a hearing.

No doubt you'll all be hearing
the same things that I am hearing.

That's your privilege.

However, once both sides have been heard,
then it'll be my job to pass judgment.

Obviously, you can all pass judgment, too,
but it won't count.

That's because I'm the
one who is the judge.

Have I made myself clear to the plaintiff?

Yes, your honor,
it is quite clear to the plaintiff.

Very good.
Have I made myself clear to the defense?

Your honor, the defense rests.

Then there's nothing left to do
but make my judgment,

and in my judgment, any folks
who would sleep through a trial like this

are folks who don't deserve to have
a wonderful, upstanding son like North!

I rule in favor of the plaintiff.

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

The system works. North, you're a free man.

Hold on.

Hold on.

♪ Israel was in Egypt land
let my people go ♪♪

- judge: Hold it. Hold it down.
- Everybody!

♪ Go down, Moses ♪

judge: Hey! Hey!

♪ Go down, Moses ♪

Hey! This is a court of law.

Whoa!

Judge: Even though I have made
a judgment, the trial is not over.

I still have to make a ruling.

Now, then, today is...

Clerk: July 1st.

Today is July 1st,

and it is my ruling that North
choose his new parents by labor day,

so he can begin school with his new family.

If he does not choose new parents,

he has the option
of returning to his original parents.

However,

if he is not physically in the arms

if he is not physically in the arms

of either his new parents
or his original parents

by noon on labor day,

he will be remanded to an orphanage.

And if any of you has ever
seen the little rascals...

You know that's no day at the beach.

- Orphanage?
- Not to worry.

I'm telling you, kid,
from now own, the world is your oyster.

Narrator: Even though North
didn't really care for oysters,

he couldn't help but take Arthur bell's
enthusiasm as a positive sign.

Woman: North free agent draft.
Good morning.

North free agent draft. Good morning.

Yes, his eyes are blue.

Soprano.

Super Mario 3.

The backstroke.

Yes. He believes in god and evolution.

Don't even get him started
on the Warren commission.

Oh, everyone wants you, kid. Everyone.

Look at this.

You got a first class ticket
to every city in the world.

I have to advise you,
don't spread yourself too thin.

It's important you learn as much as you can
about each set of parents that you audition.

Because once you sign with someone,
that's it.

They are your new folks forever.
You understand?

You bet.

That's the spirit. Let's get cracking.

Narrator: So, North was on his way.

It was the 4th of July, and this year,

independence day
had a special meaning for North.

He was a free man,

and on his way to search out the life
he felt he so richly deserved.

- There he is.
- Oh, look at that boy!

There he is, pa.

Well, hey, howdy, North.

- I'm pa Tex, this here's ma Tex.
- Howdy.

And welcome to the great state of Texas.

Uh, howdy.

I know what you're thinking.

Big car, right?

Well, it did cross my mind.

Everything I own is the
biggest and the best.

- That's why we'd like you to become our son.
- 'Cause you're the best.

To the best.

Ma Tex: Home, sweet home.

Pa Tex: This can all be yours, son.

The main house, guest house,
livestock, oil Wells.

- Rumor has it you like baseball.
- It's my favorite.

You know, I used to own the Houston Astros.

Really? What happened?

Just this morning, I
signed them over to you.

Gee, don't get me wrong.

They're a fine organization,
but aren't we rushing things just a little?

Pretty fair sh**ting there, Gabby.

Thanks, boss.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I finished up all my chores.
I figured I'd get a little sh**ting in.

No, I mean...

Have you ever been an easter bunny?

- Easter bunny?
- Pa Tex: Careful, son.

- Gabby's k*lled men for less than that.
- Oh.

Sorry.

No harm done.

So, what you two cowpokes
got planned for tomorrow?

Well, I reckon, we'll wake up early and
eat, then we'll dig for oil and eat,

then we'll rope some doggies
and bust a few broncs,

and then maybe we'll grab a bite to eat.

You like Tex-mex?

Sure. I'm a huge fan
of any food that straddles two borders.

That's my boy.

But, uh, can I ask you what the deal is
with all this eating?

Oh, simple.

Remember before when I told you everything
I own is the biggest and the best?

Well, you're already the best.

Now, there's nothing left
but to make you the biggest.

And don't fret about
not being able to clean up your plate.

Why, pretty soon that stomach of yours
will stretch and stretch,

and your capacity for food
will just grow and grow.

Excuse me.

You say that like that's a good thing
to have happen to your stomach.

It is.

Why?

Well, then you'll be like buck.

- Who?
- Our first son.

Biggest boy this big state's ever seen.

Why, he could eat more in one day than
anyone else could eat in a whole month.

That's why buck hated February.

Where is buck?

He d*ed in a stampede.

Oh.

I'm so sorry.

Needless to say, it was a mighty big loss.

Yeah, but now, we'd like to show you
how much we're looking forward

to having you as our new son.

Ready, pa?

Ready, ma.

♪ We had a son who was trampled
by a ton of longhorns ♪

♪ but you're here, cutes, to fill his boots
as flat as they may be ♪

♪ you'll yell yippee-ai-o
at the rodeo till the day's done ♪

♪ then you'll make a lot of pals
with buffalo gals ♪

- ♪ just leave some for me ♪
- ♪ Hey, there! ♪

♪ We'll barbecue steaks and stew ♪

♪ feed you pumpkin pie ♪

♪ till your can's bigger than
the big ol' Texas sky ♪

Yee-hah!

Yee-hah!

Yee-hah!

Yee-hah!

Whoo!

♪ You'll grow tall and
play football, be famous ♪

♪ You'll grow more, own a chain of stores
marry Betty Lou ♪

♪ Oh, North, North ♪

♪ Grow, North ♪

Another rib, son?

You okay, cowboy?

Yeah. Just thinking.

Texas nights are sure good for thinking.

Yeah.

You doing any particular type of thinking
or just wondering thinking?

I was thinking if I stay here,

I'll always be living
in the shadow of someone else.

What kind of life would that be?

From what I hear about buck,
what kind of shadow would that be?

Yeah, he was a big one.

Mighty hard being your own man

when they're always comparing you
to somebody else.

Yeah, right.

I mean, I left home because I had parents
who didn't appreciate who I was.

So why would I want to be with new parents

who could only appreciate me
if I was someone else?

You might be onto something there, son.

You know, down here in these parts
we got a saying.

Sometimes when you're panning for gold,
you got to try more than one stream.

We really wish you'd reconsider.

I'm sorry, but it wouldn't
be fair to any of us.

Thanks for the opportunity, North.

Oh, sir?

Yes, North?

I think it's only right
that I give you back the Astros.

Well, thanks, son. That's a class gesture.

Well, goodbye.

- So long, Pard.
- We'll miss you.

Hold on there, son.

Just a little something
to remember your old buddy Gabby by.

Hope it brings you good luck.

Thanks.

Narrator: So, North resumed his search,

and though he got to the airport by noon,
out of respect for ma and pa Tex,

in true cowboy tradition,

he chose to wait eight hours
so he could fly off into the sunset,

with no knowledge at all
of what was going on back home.

Winchell: How much longer
do we have to put up with this indignity?

Boy: Yeah!

Winchell: How much longer
must we tolerate these injustices?

- The subservience?
- Boy 2: Yeah!

Winchell: It's humiliating, my friends.
It's demeaning.

- Boy 3: Right on!
- Now is the time to say no!

Now is the time to say,

"just because you were born


"doesn't make you smart.

"It doesn't make you right.
It just makes you old!

"It just makes you
smell worse in the morning!"

Now is the time to band together

and let our parents know
that we're at the dawn of a new era.

- Boy: Yeah!
- The era of our liberation!

An era made possible

by a kid who had the guts
to fight for the power we now possess!

And now, the man whose brilliant legal mind

shone the light on the pathway to freedom,

Mr. Arthur Ulysses belt, esquire!

Mr. Arthur Ulysses belt, esquire!

Thank you!

I am but a humble servant,

standing at your ready
to assist in this noble cause!

Viva El norte!

Viva El norte!

Viva El norte!

Viva El norte! Viva El norte!

Narrator: But like I said,
North didn't know about any of this.

He was on his way to Hawaii,

to meet what he hoped
would be his brand-new parents.

Governor and Mrs. Ho?

Aloha, North.

Governor:
Welcome to our island paradise, North.

Aloha.

We've got a big day planned for you.

Waki-waki will take you up to the house
so you can change.

North: Okay.

Aloha.

"Aloha"? I thought that meant hello.

In Hawaii, “aloha” means
"hello" and "goodbye."

Doesn't that get confusing?

Only when you're f*ring someone.

Oh.

Well, aloha.

Isn't he great?

You know, North, if you settle here,

you'll be many years younger
because of the difference in time zones.

Which means that you won't die
as early as you would

if you lived on the mainland.

That's a plus.

Governor: Another thing, North.

If you live in Hawaii, it's much
easier to get into a good college.

How's that?

Well, here in the islands,
we have only 12 letters in our alphabet.

Really?

That's right. Five vowels.
A-e-I-o-u.

- Seven consonants.
- H-k-l-m-n-p-w.

- I didn't know that.
- Well, sure. Just think about it.

- Waikiki, Honolulu.
- Kaanapali, mauna Lani.

That's very interesting,
but how does that help me get into college?

Well, since we don't use the letters
letters b-c-d and "f",

you're pretty much guaranteed
to get straight a's.

Governor: What do you think?

North: Well, I like what I see,

but I do have one question,
just for my own peace of mind.

What is it?

Well, I hope I'm not being insensitive,

but you wouldn't happen to have a dead kid
whose shoes you want me to fill, would you?

Dead kid?

North, Hawaii is a lush and fertile land.

In fact, there's only one barren area
on all of our islands.

Unfortunately, it's Mrs. Ho.

But if all goes right,

you will be our first child.

North: Wow!

What a great day.

You know, this might really work out.

As far I'm concerned, there's just
a few minor details to discuss.

You know, bedtime, sleepovers,
your views on snacks, that sort of thing.

Well, what are we standing here for?

Let's go inside
and push a few numbers around,

see what we come up with.

Man on Pa: Ladies and gentlemen,
Governor and Mrs. Ho.

Heahea 'oe!

Komo mai e kai e ku aloha!

Ladies and gentlemen,

fellow 50th staters,

I am thrilled to announce

that we have reached
an agreement in principle

which allows me to introduce to you today

a young man, who in the coming years

will be to Hawaii
what the peach is to Georgia,

what the apple is to New York,
and what the wind is to Chicago!

Now, without further ado,

please give a big, warm Hawaiian welcome

to our new pride and joy, our son North!

What is that?

Governor: Son, that'll be in every airport,

- along every highway...
- My cr*ck?

My cr*ck is gonna be
shown in every airport?

Now, son...

What gives you the right
to show my cr*ck on every highway?

See, the truth is, North,

I'm the Governor of a state
that's running a little low on self-esteem.

After 35 years of statehood,

people still don't treat Hawaii
like we're part of the country.

Sure, there's a star for us on the flag,

but why didn't anyone show up
during hands across America?

I mean, we waited for days
and not even a phone call

to tell us nobody was coming.

- It's just plain inconsiderate.
- Mrs. Ho: He's right.

People from the mainland
just don't care about Hawaii.

They come here with their knobby knees
and their pale kids,

and they eat our food and watch our whales
and say “aloha” like they really mean it.

But then, seven to 10 days later,

they drop us like a sack of rancid poi
and go home.

And we're supposed
to feel good about ourselves?

Excuse me. But what does this
have to do with my cr*ck?

Oh. Don't you see, North?

If you lived here in Hawaii, people
would be more inclined to settle here.

So they can be close to my cr*ck?

North, North. You're very important to us.

I don't know.

I need some time to think, okay?

Man: One, two, three, four Jacks!

Come on, guys! Don't just stand there.
Get your butt in motion!

You might just like it!

And squat down, up and...

What is the point?

Gabby, what are you doing here?

They say for every hour you exercise,
you add an hour to your life.

Who needs all that extra time if you're
just going to spend it exercising?

You see where I'm going with this, junior?

- Who's Gabby?
- He's a ranch hand from Texas.

Not familiar with the gentlemen.

So...

- How's it feel to be Hawaii's new first son?
- Well, I'm not so sure that's what I want to be.

Why not?

Beautiful climate.

- Can't b*at the fashion.
- Yeah, I know.

But I don't think I
should settle for parents

who have to show my most private crevice
on a billboard

to make them feel better about themselves.

It's refreshing to meet a kid

who has such strong convictions
about his cr*ck.

Whoa! Whoa.

Ah!

Dig, man.

The way I always figured this deal is

it's that parents are supposed
to make the kids feel better.

Not the other way around.

Yeah.

Hang in there, kid!
You'll find what you're looking for.

I hope so.

Narrator: Although he came up short
in both Texas and Hawaii,

North felt no anxiety

as he still had eight weeks
till his labor day deadline.

Woman: Welcome to Juneau, Alaska.

Please remain seated
until the plane comes to a complete stop

in Anchorage, Alaska.

To accompany our skid,

we will be showing you
another full-length feature film.

Our friend had a dream,
and that dream is becoming a reality.

Narrator: Meanwhile,
as North was skidding his way to Anchorage,

things were heating up at home.

Winchell's inspirational speeches
had created a groundswell,

and all across the land,

kids were continuing to hold their parents
at emotional gunpoint.

- Anything else, son?
- Yes.

How's my room coming along?

I'll have it spotless by dinner.

Viva El norte.

Winchell: And as of next Monday,

no parent will be permitted
to see an r-rated movie

unless accompanied by a kid.

Yeah, right.

Arthur, do I detect a note of melancholy?

It's just that North
still hasn't found new parents.

Maybe he never will.

Maybe this free agency thing
will just blow up in our face.

I'm surprised at you, Arthur.

Do you think I would actually embark
on an endeavor of this magnitude

without a contingency plan?

Contingency plan?

Oh, good. I love those.

- One Coca-Cola.
- Right here.

And one sex on the beach.

Aren't I naughty?

- To our future.
- Arthur: And what a future it is.

According to the latest polls,

parents are so nervous

that 78% of them say they will vote
however their kids tell them to.

And since those kids will do
whatever you tell them to...

Well, I...

What I mean is...

Winchell: That's right.

I'm lying here with the next
President of the United States.

I'm happy for you, Arthur.

I'm sure you'll make
a fine commander-in-chief.

Hey, doll face,
could you concentrate on my lower back?

That's where all my tension builds up.

Man on Pa: Flight 24 from Hawaii by way
of Juneau is now arriving at gate seven.

Man on radio: Approach 119-90.

Woman: Bye-bye.

Woman: Bye-bye.

Hey, great landing, guys.

You've really got that skid thing
down to a science.

Thanks for the kind words, North.

I'm not saying that we haven't
dented a terminal now and then,

but after a while
you pretty much get the hang of it.

Thanks.

Narrator: North's first impression
of Alaska was a positive one.

The air was clean,
it was breathtakingly beautiful,

and best of all, it was far away
from everyone and everything.

There was nothing to distract these people

from concentrating on life's
most precious commodity,

the love of a good family.

Man: Morning!

Whoa-ho!

Here you go, North.

A nice cup of hot cocoa.

And to go with that,
our state dish, Eskimo pie.

Thank you.

Dad: Well, hey, what do you know?
The salmon are running.

I'm going to get a couple of poles
and go fishing with my boy.

Great! I love fishing.

Okay.

- Ah! This is the life, right, son?
- Sure is.

You like Christmas, North?
“Who doesn't?

Well, you've never had a Christmas
till you've had an Alaskan Christmas.

That's right. And since our
days last for months at a time,

you can just imagine the festivities.

Why, opening the presents
takes three weeks alone.

Right, ma?

This all sounds great,
but what's the catch?

- What do you mean?
- I mean, what's in it for you?

- Nothing.
- Really?

No dead kids? No low self-esteem?

No frozen skeletons in your closet?

We have pride, North,
and we're proud of our pride.

We wouldn't ask anything of a child.

All we want is for you to follow your
dreams and be the best North you can be.

We know you'll be a source of great pride
to the entire Eskimo community

for many, many years to come.

Jeepers creepers, that reminds me.

Dad, let's go! Time to flow!

- Grandpa: Coming!
- Time to what?

Mom: Okay. Bundle up. It's a long walk.

Who's that?

North, this is your new grandfather.

Hello, North.

Hello. What do you mean,
"it's time to flow"?

When an Eskimo gets too old or weak
to contribute to society,

the whole family gets together
and everybody walks to the ocean.

That's right. And then the revered old
Eskimo is proudly placed on an ice floe

and set out to sea so he
can die with dignity.

And pride.

All right, everybody, let's go.

North: But wait a minute.

Just because he's old doesn't mean
he can't be part of the family.

Well, it's a tradition.

I promise you, North,
grandpa wants this just as much as anyone.

Right, grandpa?

Yeah, right. I've been
looking forward to this.

Narrator: As the family
made their long trek to the sea,

North took the opportunity
to get close to his new grandpa,

which was easy, since he had
a tremendous affection for old folks.

He found them to be warm, understanding, and,
most importantly, way too tired to yell.

Knowing that his time with grandpa
was limited,

North tried to take in
all that this wise old man had to offer

about life in the tundra.

Grandpa: And another thing. Up here,

if your mother says, "don't make a face
because it could freeze in that position,"

you better take her seriously.

North: Jeez.

Can't you hang around a little longer?
There's so much you can teach me.

Next!

- Bye.
- Goodbye.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, okay, okay.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Come on. Let's go.

Let's go.
I only got four months of sunlight here.

Move it. Next. Come on. Let's go!

Come on. Come on.
Should've done this before.

I've got a civilization to run here.
Can you move it along, please? Thank you.

Next! Let's go.

Don't act like you don't know
what's going on here.

Come on. Let's go. Come on. Please.

Well...

Goodbye, North.

Are you sure you have to go?

Mom: Oh, don't worry about him, North.

He's had a great life.

And he's happy to set sail
before he starts embarrassing himself.

Yeah, take it from us, North. When drool
hardens, it's not a pretty sight.

- But...
- Man: But, but, but.

Come on. Let's go, pal.
This is no surprise to you, is it?

You know where you're going. Take a walk.
Come on. Let's go. Move it along. Let's go.

Yeah, yeah, bye, bye. Fine. Thank you.

Mom: Bye, dad!

Bye, dad!

Bye.

Listen, if there's a change in policy
in the next couple of weeks,

feel free to track me down.

What did he say?

Hey! What do you say we grab a ride home?

Hey, that's a great idea!

North, don't worry about grandpa.
He'll be okay.

Yeah.

- Can I ride on top?
- Why, sure. It's the best view.

Landscape sure is beautiful up here.

Hey. It's you.

No, it's not.

Oh.

Smell that fresh air.

No smog up here.

How could they do that?

Not even my original parents
would send my grandpa away like that.

Hey, son! How's the view up there?

Great! Thanks.

"Son."

You know, I don't wanna
overstep my bounds,

but unless I'm mistaken,
you're that fellow North.

And unless I'm further mistaken,
you have a deadline of labor day,

which is a week from tomorrow,
to choose new parents.

And unless I'm mistaken even further,

you still haven't found
what you're looking for.

How could labor day be next week?
I just got here.

You walked from your house
to the ice floes, right?

Yeah.

It's a seven-week walk,
even with the wind at your back.

No wonder we stopped for lunch 49 times.

Don't feel bad.

It's that six months of daylight thing,
it throws everybody off.

I, myself, only showered 12 times
during the '70s.

Oh, man! I'll never find new parents.

Unless I misinterpreted the ruling,

you can always go back
to your original parents.

Oh, yeah!

That's just what I wanna do,

go back to the people
who haven't even tried to contact me

in over eight weeks.

Take me to the airport. I've got a lot
to do and not much time to do it.

You got it. Hyah!

Narrator: So, a now desperate North,
with time running out,

raced towards an uncertain future.

Understandably, he was upset that his
parents hadn't called in two months.

What he couldn't know, however,

was that his parents hadn't done
much of anything in two months.

As curator of the Smithsonian institution,

it is my distinct honor
to unveil the newest addition

to our illustrious hall of achievement.

At 78 consecutive days and counting,

the longest simultaneous coma
in medical history,

ladies and gentlemen, North's folks.

I'll now take questions.

Yes! How can you equate a medical oddity
with man's landing on the moon?

With all due respect
to the achievements of the Apollo 11 crew,

the sociological impact
of what these folks did

dwarfs those of Mr. Armstrong et al.

But all they did was faint.

And in so doing,

shifted the familial balance of power
throughout the world.

"Throughout the world"? This thing
is getting bigger than we thought.

It's bigger than you thought.

That's why you're only
going to be president.

Child's continuing process
to improve the status...

Wait a minute. I just thought of something.

What if they start begging and pleading
for North to come back to them?

Oh, my god!
What if North goes back to his folks?

Arthur,

don't you know that
that's an impossibility?

That I would use all my power to prevent
a thing like that from happening?

Oh.

Okay.

What do you say we grab some Chinese?
Maybe the msg will calm you down.

Narrator: Despite North's growing
concern about his approaching deadline,

he did take solace in the fact

that the lord needed only six days
to create the entire universe.

Certainly, a kid of his caliber,
given an extra couple of days,

should be able to find two measly parents.

Greetings,

North.

I'm thy new father,

and this good woman, who art my wife,

art thy new mother.

And these art thy new brothers,

who art named Ezekiel.

And these art thy new brothers,

who art named art.

Hey, hey, this looks great.

I have always dreamt of a life

without the ever-present
nuisance of electricity.

Just let me grab something from the plane.

I seem to have left my butter churn
in the overhead compartment.

Floor it!

Narrator: While it was not like North
to make snap judgments,

there were only seven days left.

And he had a world
full of potential parents to evaluate.

Man: Long live the North Dynasty!

Man: Give him the emperor cut.

Honey!

Honey face!

You seem like very nice folks,

but to be totally honest with you,

if I lived here,
I'm not sure I'd get much homework done.

Quiet, Harry! Quiet!
I think he's trying to tell us something.

♪ Wack, wack, wack-ado... ♪

With three days to go
before his 12:00 noon labor day deadline,

North, the little world traveler,
arrived in New York today

to interview his final set of parents,
ward and Donna Nelson,

who, along with their two children,
bud and Laura,

live in the quaint upstate town of Bedford.

When contacted earlier at his office,

ward, the local pediatrician, who, we
understand, still makes house calls,

said, "my family and I
would like nothing better

"than to see North's long journey

"finally be rewarded
with a warm and loving home,

"and we hope we can provide it for him."

Thanks.

Hi, North!

Ward, bud, Laura, he's here!

He's here!

Hi, North!

- Hi!
- Hello.

Welcome to our home, son.

Come on in. You tired, hungry?

Mom and I baked you
some chocolate chip cookies.

- Do you like Nintendo?
- North: Oh, yeah.

Woman on TV: Today at mount Rushmore,

thousands of angry parents
gathered to voice their opposition

to the bill that would lower
the voting age to seven.

According to Arthur belt, the rising
politician who drafted the bill...

Wait! They were talking about me!

Relax, Arthur, before you know it,
you'll be hearing your name so much,

even you'll be sick of it.

I highly doubt it.

Talk to me.

Boss, it's Al with the sleeping dogs.

Yeah, what about them?

Looks like they counted their last sheep.

So it does.

How long will it take
to get operation xerox into place?

Less than a minute, boss.

- Go to it, and, Al?
- Yeah, boss?

Don't be surprised if there's a couple
of extra zeros in your next paycheck.

Thanks, boss. I really appreciate it.

- And, Al?
- Yeah, boss?

Don't be surprised if there isn't.

I understand.

Good morning.

Where are we?

Where's our son?

Ooh. Can we see our son?

Absolutely. Just follow me.

We got a limo waiting for you outside
with coffee and some nice hot Danish.

Oh, that sounds good.

I won't lie to you. I seem to have
worked up a bit of an appetite.

- Honey?
- I could eat.

Right this way.

Bud: Hike!

Okay, Laura, sack the quarterback!
Here we go. Hey!

Touchdown! Yeah!

You faked me right out of my socks, North!
Great catch, buddy.

Come and get it!

Oh, here we go.

It's so great having you here, North.
I've always wanted a brother to throw to.

Yeah, and now I have
two big brothers to look out for me.

Hey, I know we're all excited
to have North as part of our family,

but he hasn't decided
if he wants to stay with us yet.

- Come on, North. You gotta stay!
- Yeah. We really want you.

Donna: Help yourself, everybody. Dig in.

Laura: Mom, can we go
to the carnival tomorrow?

Bud: Yeah, can we?

Donna: I don't see why not.

- Ward?
- Ward: Sounds good to me.

North,

we miss you so much.

Please forgive us.

We made so many mistakes.

We should've appreciated you more.

If only you could give us
just one more chance.

We love you, son.

We love you very much.

Winchell: Cut!

Very nice. Very, very nice.

Touching, moving, and
yet, not over the top.

Keep it rolling.

So, crazy summer, huh?

- Ohh, terrible.
- Very disturbing.

Look, I know what you're going through,

but even if North doesn't come back,
you can always adopt.

Just the other day
I met this adorable little boy,

seven years old.

His name was Hugh.

Maybe you can adopt him.
Maybe Hugh can be your son.

We don't want Hugh.

He's not our son.

We want North.

I understand. It was insensitive
of me to even bring it up.

Uh, you folks want some more coffee?

- Nah. That's okay.
- Not for me.

I still don't understand
why we can't speak to North in person.

I think that would be a big mistake.

North is very angry right now.
He's very sensitive.

You show up unannounced,

and this whole thing
could blow up in your face,

and it would just k*ll me
to see a thing like that happen.

So, my suggestion is you lay low for a while.
I'll have someone escort you to the Plaza.

I already told Jean-Pierre to give you
all the room service you want,

and as North's best friend,

I'd be more than happy to show him
this tape to pave the way for you.

Thank you, Winchell.

Oh, yes.

You're a real friend.

I do what I can.

Bring the car around for North's folks.

Yes, sir. Consider it done.

You know, you're doing very well
for a sixth grader.

Well, I caught a few breaks.

Adam, take the tape down to editing.

Laura: Colonel mustard in the study.
Ward: Yeah.

With the rope.

I don't have any of those.

Neither do I.

Both: Me, neither.

Let's see.

Colonel mustard in the study,

and here's the rope.

Bud: All right.

Ward: Good job, kitten.
Laura: Can we play again?

No. You have to hit the sack.

Come on. You've got
a big day tomorrow.

You don't want to be
tired for the carnival.

Your mom's right. Everybody run upstairs
to bed right now. Let's go.

- Okay.
- Good night, mom.

Good night, honey.
Good night, North.

- Good night.
- Night, mom. Night, dad.

Brush your teeth
before you go to bed.

Sorry to bother you
at this late hour,

but I got something important
here for a kid named North.

- What is it?
- Apparently it's an urgent message

from his original parents.

I'll see that he gets it.

Thank you.

North, honey?

North: Yeah?

Can you
come down here for a minute?

Coming.

What is it?

North, a man just came by
and left this tape for you.

It says it's a message
from your parents.

From my parents?

- Do you mind if I...
- Of course not.

Would you like
to be alone, North?

No. That's okay.

Woman:
After all you two you've been through,

what would you most like
to say to your son?

We don't want Hugh.

Woman: How can you say that?
He's your son.

He's not our son.

Woman:
Aren't you bothered by the prospect

of never seeing your son again?

Nah. That's okay.

Woman:
Isn't this a gut-wrenching,

torturous, emotional experience?

Not for me.

He's not our son.

We don't want Hugh.

North, honey, are you okay?

Ward: Is there anything
we can do for you?

Yeah.

Let me be your son.

Narrator:
Finally, North had new parents,

parents who made him
feel wanted, secure,

and loved,

yet something was still wrong.

The Nelsons were everything
he was looking for,

The Nelsons were everything
he was looking for,

so why couldn't he embrace them?

North needed answers.

Ward: North, we just
don't understand why you're leaving.

Neither do I.

You're all nice people
and I'm really gonna miss you,

but I've just got to be alone.

We're going to miss you, too.

And so will Oliver.

Donna: North.

Here.

In case you get hungry
on your way to New York.

Thanks, mom,

I mean, Mrs. Nelson.

Bye.

Narrator: So, with just 24
hours until his labor day deadline,

no hope of parents,

and the prospect of
living in an orphanage looming,

North felt he only
had one option left.

He would disappear.

Can you spare some extra change?

Oh.

Here.

Maybe it'll bring you
more luck than it brought me.

Hey, it's got a hole in it!

What good does this do me?

Narrator: Yes,
he would disappear,

and where better to do that

than amidst the teeming,
faceless masses

of the naked city?

Want to go downtown?

- Shut up!
- I'm gonna arrest you both.

He's heading into the park.

Don't worry, boss. I'm just looking
for the right time and the right place.

So long, Al.

What was that all about?

Well, it seems that
our young friend's had a change of heart.

Change of heart?

He's left The Nelsons and has decided
to grace our fair city with his presence.

Oh, no.

Well, this ruins everything.

Arthur, please, use your head.

This is a godsend.

- It is?
- Of course.

As we speak, grownups
across this great land of ours

are feeling humiliated.

They blame North for all
their frustrations.

Do you realize how many
of those angry parents

would like nothing better
than to do away with our little friend?

And do you know the one catalyst

that can give
a political movement true cohesion?

That's right.

A martyr.

You're a genius.
I mean, it's brilliant.

It's absolutely Winchellian.

It... it...

But for North to be martyred,

doesn't he have to be k*lled
by one of those angry parents?

Well, maybe we'll get lucky.

Narrator: As North
ran for his life,

he couldn't help but wonder how his
dream of finding the perfect parents

had turned into a nightmare.

Ah! Ah!

Ah.

Damn it!

Psst! North. Over here.

Adam, what are you doing here?

Listen to me very carefully.

I'm not here. You never saw me.

We're not even having
this conversation right now.

- Got that?
- Got what?

Perfect.

So, what are we
not talking about?

This.

What? I don't see anything.

Exactly! What you don't see
is a tape of the conversation

Winchell had with your parents.

I saw it.

- No, you didn't.
- Oh, I forgot.

I didn't see it.

No, you did see it,

and this is what you
didn't see when you saw it.

I see.

I don't think you do.
Look at the tape.

So, how'd you find me?

Winchell. He bugged
The Nelsons' phones.

- Winchell?
- Shh!

He's everywhere.

I've been working
for him ever since you left home.

You know, some guy
was chasing me with a g*n.

He was sh**ting at me.

That didn't have
anything to do with Winchell, did it?

Oh, man.

So, why are you doing this?

I'm not, but if I was,
because I think Winchell's gone too far.

Also, you were always good
to me, North.

You never picked me last.

You never made me
play right field.

I'll never forget that.

Thanks, Adam.

Oh, man.

Adam, I just don't
feel safe anywhere.

Adam?

Adam?

Can I have a hot dog
with just mustard?

That'll be $1.00.

Out of five.

Two, three, four, five.

There you go.

Where did you get this?

Some bum bought
a hot dog from me about an hour ago. Why?

No reason.

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

We won't see him no more.

Watch, watch, watch!
Watch there, you...

Excuse me.

Move it, kid.

Come on, move it.

Comedian: Which reminds me of this man
that walked into a bar.

He sits down next to
a very beautiful young lady...

Before you know it,
the conversation turns to sex.

He says to her, "my darling,
do you smoke after you make love?"

She says, "I don't know.
I never looked."

"But I'll tell you one thing,
my smoke alarm never went off.”

Good night, folks.
You've been great. Thank you.

Thank you.

You the kid with the tape? Yeah.

Good. Come in. I want
to try out my new VCR.

- How did you know that?
- What's that, kid?

Of course, I look familiar,
I'm almost famous.

Joey fingers, nice to see you.

- And you are?
- North.

Always been one
of my favorite directions.

- Mallomar?
- No, thanks.

That bad, huh?

- What?
- No kid ever refuses a mallomar

unless he's wrestling
with some pretty heavyweight problems.

North, we miss you so much.

Please forgive us.

We made so many mistakes.

North's Mom: We should've
appreciated you more.

North's Dad: If only you could give us
just one more chance.

North's Mom: We love you, son.

We love you very much.

Beautiful. Works like a charm.

You got some pretty
nice folks there, kid.

Huh?

I said you got some
pretty nice folks there.

Yeah.

I guess so.

- What do you mean, you guess so?
- Well, I mean...

And what did they mean
by "give us one more chance"?

I thought they didn't love me.

What are you, nuts?

That's just the thing. They didn't always
pay that much attention to me.

So, I left them to find
some new folks who'd appreciate me more.

I searched the whole world,
but nobody was good enough,

not even The Nelsons,
who I just left,

and they weren't bad folks.

Maybe there's something
wrong with me.

Ah, there's nothing
wrong with you.

I'm sure The Nelsons
weren't bad folks.

They just weren't your folks.

You see those people out there?

That audience?

They paid attention to me.
They listened to every word I said.

They laughed.
They screamed. They applauded.

They loved me,

but do you think
that audience is gonna make me

a cup of tea
if I'm not feeling well?

You think they're gonna
give me advice

when I get in a fight
with my best friend

or, god forbid,
I get in girl trouble?

Who do you think
I'm gonna turn to?

I'll give you a hint.

It's not that audience.

Oh, my god, what have I done?

I'll tell you what you've done.

You've realized
something that takes

most people
a whole lifetime to figure out.

And some people
never figure it out at all.

That a bird in the hand
is always greener than the grass

under the other guy's bushes.

It's a metaphor used
mostly by gardeners

and landscape people in general.

Hey, kid!

Hey, kid! Where are you going?

Home. I miss my parents.

How are you gonna
get to the airport? You got a car?

No. I'm 11.

All right,
then we better take mine.

Woman:
The white zone is for immediate loading

and unloading
of passengers only.

No parking.

Thanks for everything,
Mr. Fingers.

Make it Joey,
and you're welcome.

And remember, kid, if you can't
stand the heat, stay out of Miami.

Well, what does
that metaphor mean?

What metaphor?
You ever been down there in August?

Your balls stick to
your leg like crazy glue.

Good-bye.

Narrator: And so, North
finally found the parents

he'd always been looking for.

Much to his surprise,
they were his own.

So, it was with a song
in his heart and a smile on his face

that North prepared to board the
final plane that would take him

back to the loving arms
of those very parents.

Where do you think you're going?

- I'm going home.
- Not on this plane, you're not.

Why not?

It says here you're dead.

But I'm not.

How can I be sure?

I'm standing here talking to you.

I know and that scares me.

And since I don't scare easily,

you can imagine
how it will affect the other passengers.

But I'm not dead.

Sorry, son. I can't take
that chance.

Boy: Hey, it's North.

He's alive.

- What's he doing here?
- This plane's headed to his hometown.

He's trying
to get back to his old parents.

It'll ruin everything.

Let's get him!

Hey!

Get that traitor!

Stop him! Get that traitor!

Hey, kid, hop in.

North:
What are you, some kind of guardian angel?

Well, I guess you can say that,

'cause in a manner
of speaking, we at federal express

feel that we are guardians,

guardians of your
most important packages

- and priority communiques.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just get me home, will you?

Well, if you absolutely
positively have to be home

by tomorrow morning,
you've come to the right truck.

Man, you don't let up
for a second, do you?

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Just tell me what to do, okay?

Get in.

Federal express, huh?

Okay, thanks.

Oh, Al.

Can I have a word with you?

Oh. Sure, boss.

Remember when you
told me North was dead?

- Yeah.
- Uh, just curious,

what'd you base that on?

I can only assume
that you think this is blood, Al,

and if I had an I.Q. below 24,

I suppose I might think
the same,

but the stain in this cap
comes from borscht.

- Borscht?
- Yes, borscht,

a beet-based soup,
Russian in origin,

most frequently served chilled
with a dollop of sour cream.

I make a good borscht.

And I'd love
to sample it someday,

but the point
I'm making here, Al,

is that unless
North's head was filled

with this
traditional Slavic delicacy,

he's not dead, you idiot!

- Oh, no! This means that...
- Not now, Arthur.

All right. All right. This just calls
for a slight change in plans.

I'll take it from here.

All right.

Sign on the fourth line.

What time is it?

Well, normally my answer
would be no later than 10:30,

but thanks
to that Jack-knifed truck on the highway,

I'm sorry to say
it's almost 10 to 12:00.

We'll, we'll be happy
to refund your...

No, that's okay.

Mom! Dad!

I'm home!

Mom!

Where are you guys?

Mom? Dad?

Mom?

Mom?

Hello, North. Happy labor day.

I trust your summer
was an enjoyable one.

Where are my folks?

Oh, they're at a safe place.

Where the hell are my parents?

North, did you
say the word "hell"?

My, the summer's
really broadened you.

Winchell, I've got exactly 10 minutes
to find my parents,

and if you don't tell me
where they are,

I'll show you how much this summer's
broadened me you little assh*le!

Why are you smiling?

I was just thinking
what a beautiful

heartwarming scene
it's going to be

when you're reunited
with your parents

at that secret spot of yours.

How do you know
about my secret spot?

I'm a journalist, North.

It's my job to know
about these things,

and as much as I'm
enjoying this little chat,

shouldn't you be on your way?

After all, you're down
to nine minutes.

Where is he?
Winchell said he'd be here by now.

Don't worry, honey.

I'm sure, he'll be here soon.

Soon may not be good enough.

Let me remind you,
I've been sent here by the court

to ensure that your son's
physically in your arms by 12:00 noon.

How much time is left?

Six minutes.

And that's
my own clock from my own house.

Maybe we should go look for him.

No, no, honey.

What if we leave here and then North shows
up and then we miss him?

Relax, honey.

Winchell's a man of his word.

Hey, watch yourself, kid.

North's Mom:
He has less than one minute.

All right, you wait here.
I'll go look for him.

- Good idea.
- Judge: Bad idea.

Let me remind you,
the ruling stipulates

that North is supposed to be
in the arms of both parents.

That's two parents
and four arms.

If one of you leaves,
we're down to one parent and two arms,

the math speaks for itself.

Mom! Dad!

Both: North!

Hey.

You still here?

Yeah.

I must've fallen asleep.

Come on. I'll give you
a ride home.

North:
And then you were a beach bum.

And then you drove a sleigh.

And then you were a comedian

who said my parents
were the best for me.

I said that? Yeah.

I must be a pretty smart guy.

What's that?

Oh, nothing.

Just something I've always had,

you know, for good luck.

Yeah, maybe good luck for you.

I bet that eagle's whistling
a little different tune.

Here we go.



Thanks a lot, Mister.

Don't mention it, kid.

And remember,
be it ever so humble,

there's no place like home.

With the possible
exception of Vegas

when Sinatra's in town. Bye.

- North's Mom: North!
- North!

Mom! Dad!

Where were you?
We were worried sick.

I fell asleep in the mall.

We called the hospitals.
We called the police.

Oh, we looked everywhere.

You did?

Of course, we did.

We love you so much, North.

If anything ever happened to you,
I don't know what we'd do.

I love you guys, too.

Come on.

You hungry, honey?

North: A little bit.
North's Dad: A little bit? A little bit?

North: Okay, a lot.
North's Dad: Okay.

I'll tell you what, you run upstairs,
put on your pajamas,

we'll bring something up for you.
Tuck you in.

North: Okay.