- [Female] Make mental pictures every day.
(dramatic music)
- Girls!
(hollering)
Here ya go, come see our show tonight.
Girls.
Hi, how are you guys?
Hi.
(chattering)
(dramatic music)
- Lemur.
- Like the animal?
I think this is a big mistake.
- What about my 200?
- Your 200?
- Making a mistake costs just
as much as not making it.
- They already charged my card.
- I don't leave until I get my 200.
You stupid son of a bitch.
- Let's just call it a night, okay?
- $200 just like Lemur.
- What is your name, Chipmunk?
- Nancy.
- Nancy.
- Look, give me my f*cking money.
Loser.
- That's all I wanted to
know, The Comedy Spot.
I'm checking out right now,
I just I have to get dressed.
Give me a second, this
place isn't that bad.
It's actually kinda nice.
Downtown Vegas gets a bad rep man.
I know it's gonna be gorgeous.
That doesn't make this place a dump, okay?
Comedy Spot, our hotel.
Roger out, mother fucker.
- It's just my husband.
No, stop it.
Yeah and you were drunk then too.
- I'll let you know...
- Shh, stop not here!
- I paid per minute.
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
- Stop it!
No, stop.
Please.
- Hey, if I'm so allergic,
why do you keep marrying me
to all my female friends?
- Because if snatch is camouflaged,
marriage is invisibility.
You're a coward.
Hence.
- f*ck you.
- You know, Jesus tried to get
a room here in the wee hours,
tossed three nails on the front desk.
- Did he put me up for the night?
It's older than Mt. Olympus.
- Wait for the laughs.
- Hand jobs with holes in his hands?
- Yeah, well executing
queers wouldn't be Uganda's
claim to fame if
Bible-thumpers were extinct.
- So go after it with some taste.
- Per Ava.
- There's worse things than
giving a sh*t about something.
- Unless maybe it's
Judeo-Christian fascism.
- Which she would despise
as much as anyone.
- A dual conversion.
From secular cynicism and
sodomy, to the holy forgiveness,
smack dab between her legs.
Ah-la.
- f*ck you again.
- You looked conjugal
as hell at the funeral.
Arm and arm, before the
dirt even hit the box.
- Who could replace Mike.
Who's even trying?
- Who d*ed literally in the closet?
- [Nathaniel] Uh, waitress?
- You think you're the first
f*g to pull down a pair
of panties to prove how normal you are?
- What do you want?
- [Comic] Just because you
can, doesn't mean you want to.
- Forget it.
- Enough with the gynecology.
It's not a pap smear, sweetie.
I want that bonus.
I'm not gonna let you down.
- f*ck me if Rachel Maddow
has (mumbles) used it.
Uganda, be kidding me,
my ass, it's every where.
- Fundraisers are great.
But maybe the persecution
is closer to home.
You on you.
- It's couple, husband, wife.
- Who?
- This f*cking idiot, drunk.
Messin' around with his wife and it just
keeps getting creepier
'cause he looks so stupid.
And I'm like, why is she with him?
He's like inching up her skirt.
And he called her fly paper.
His perfectly normal,
perfectly hot wife to die for.
- What the f*ck was it
downtown or something?
- I heard junk with something
he couldn't get out of.
- What were they fighting about?
The couple?
Eh, you know what, never mind.
They're misery quotient.
Like all married couples.
It's a sign, I'm telling
you, you're no switch hitter.
- Tell that to these.
- I don't normally speak
to the heavens as you can
probably tell.
- The hooker from last night.
- Midnight cowboy, maybe, cowgirl, uh-uh.
- Hey, if I'm so allergic,
why do you keep marrying me
to all my female friends?
- Ah, the little engine that could.
- You forgot something.
- Yeah, you're gonna wanna keep those.
So.
Did I earn a little something,
teensy-weensy extra?
- With your bonuses?
I mean, I charged the
credit card for two grand.
- So, a little itsy-bitsy extra?
For throwing your chi all
over the f*cking room.
- I haven't done a play since high school.
Yeah but you shouldn't make
commitments for other people,
even Ava.
Hold on, I have another call.
Ava?
Hold on, I'm on the phone with my mom.
Mom, I gotta go, it's her.
What's up?
(knocking)
- Ta-da!
I wanted to see your show tonight.
Hi.
And believe me, it was a pain,
the flight was ridiculous.
I saw the posters and ducked
my head in the lounge.
It's a cute, cozy little venue.
We don't have to leave
early, early in the morning,
do we, say we don't.
We're three sheets, man.
Me, you and f*cked up it.
She says pushing that
(mumbles) all there was to it.
All over again.
Stop looking at me like I'm a specimen.
- I'm not.
- You always are looking
at me like I'm some sort
of a specimen.
And now, you're working up
to say, about last night.
- Shouldn't I?
- You shouldn't.
- What are we even doing here?
- Fine, let's change and go then.
- I wanted them to tone it down.
For people like you and
not specifically you but...
- Like me?
So if you were bigger than I don't know,
the Grand Canyon, would it
can't be a little lounge show
in Vegas really matter?
Love you, jackass.
- Executing them is damn extreme.
- A little bit?
- You think?
You know it'll do you good
to get away from those
screwballs in California for awhile.
- I don't mean to be rude here...
- You know, not that we
don't have a few of our own.
- I'm trying to get my lines down here.
- Let's see what good old
Jesus H has to say about it.
Who's Bart?
There's a gospel according to Bart?
- Can I have that back?
- Happened to me in Saigon.
Thought he was just a good buddy.
- The dog needs a walk, Nathaniel.
- They take it hard, too.
The whole world's against
me, that sort of thing.
- Or commit su1c1de.
- Nathaniel.
- What?
- Do you have any sense?
I'll go with you.
- Where?
- Does anybody hear a word I say?
We're walking the dog.
Don't listen to him.
- Enjoying the wrestling?
Brutus will take down
Julius, I promise you.
Look how he goes after his legs.
Are you from these parts?
- I'm from Caesarea, originally Rome.
- Romans rule the world, eh?
Invariable handsome, too.
- You're pretty handsome yourself.
- In need of a massage.
- 'Kay, let's flip it.
Nathaniel, you're Bart,
from where we left off.
- Would you like to visit
my place overlooking the
Sea of Tiberius?
- It's tempting, I prefer my own.
Those of circumcision.
- Why, my mother was a Jew.
She had me done on the
eighth day after my birth.
- Then you most definitely
have my permission to
enter my inner sanctum.
(laughing)
- My little Betsy-wetsy.
- Mr. Waite.
Mr. Can't wait.
You're gonna love it.
- I should for $1800 a month.
Hey, a girl needs a
little help now and again.
That's okay.
- Like you do sometimes?
- [Mr. Waite] A little blue pill?
- That little blue pill.
- Hey, a little extra
starch never hurt a guy.
(laughing)
Love you, baby.
I guess, it's pretty much
like what you do out there in
the smog, producing, I mean
a team's a team, right?
- I'm thinking about asking and I know it.
- Your mom told me.
- Mom doesn't know.
- Entertainment law.
- Well, yeah, but it's something else.
- Oh look at this son of a bitch.
That's all I need is OSHA
up my ass with a flashlight.
- I'm thinking about
asking Ava to marry me.
- Oh, thank God.
I mean, she's beautiful.
I wouldn't want you to let that get away.
Oh seriously, I'm gonna
fire this cocksucker.
(whistling)
- Your shirt's unbuttoned.
- Bring her to lunch.
- This is bullshit, there are
plenty of other secretaries
at the real offices.
- This is (mumbles).
- (mumbles)
- Kinda big for a car.
- [Nathaniel] I don't know, a backhoe?
- [Ava] With these floors?
Seriously, what is this place?
- See, there's nothing f*cking here.
- Be careful.
Okay, pull the car over now.
What is going on with you?
- I saw him the other day.
He couldn't keep his hands off of her.
- Does your mother know?
Maybe you should let me drive.
Maybe you should call.
Cancel, I don't know, make something up.
Was I supposed to turn?
(mumbles)
- So.
- So.
- So.
- Nathaniel says you're
active in your church.
- I am.
- I'm a hypocrite
myself, like most people.
But, I like that forgiveness angle.
- That's important.
- Linguistics, so what do you
want to be when you grow up?
- Well I studied poly sci in undergrad.
- Where?
- UW.
- Nathaniel.
- UW, what do you care?
- [Hostess] Hey how are
you guys doing today?
- Thanks.
- Your waitress will be
with you in just a minute.
- Thank you.
Yup, University of Washington.
Big mystery why I came back
AZ State for my doc work.
I love Seattle.
- I need my sunshine.
- I miss the ocean.
- So maybe as your prof
for some withered up old
chicken hawk in congress,
something like that.
- You don't have to tell me
about chicken sh*t politicians.
You ever hear of the Battle of Hue?
Perfume River.
It was in a place not called Disneyland.
1968.
- [Nathaniel] Dad.
- No silver spoons
tucked in my yap either.
I was a jarhead.
I didn't have a University
of Southern California
theatrical background.
- What do you want me to do then, nothing?
In honor of what I know you did?
- Yeah, that was me a lot.
I damn well know that better than most.
But those VC, they were some monster
mother f*ckers themselves.
- Dad.
- While those whorey old
bureaucrats you're talking about
sip cocktails, told one
another about how they nailed
down deferments for their spoiled brats.
Hemming and hauling about
etiquette of the lawless lunatic
bullshit they were about to
unleash in Cambodia and Laos.
- I shouldn't have been so flippant.
- Par for the course nowadays though.
New American century and all that.
Self perpetuating bullshit
for fun and profit.
- End times, huh?
- He's packing his kid's
bags for round two, eh?
- You could have water
boated me instead I guess.
Hi, I'm Bart, the gay apostle.
I'm from Canaan, used to
spend almost all my time
when I wasn't working in a
Roman bathhouse in Tiberias
on the Sea of Galilee.
First I'd like to mention
I'm a Jew and had sex with
good looking men for most, good
looking men most every day.
Definitely on weekends.
I used to go to a gym to
see Greco-Roman wrestlers.
One thing would lead to
another and I'd find myself on
my back, the happy recipient
of much genetic batter.
Being a Jew, I'd only
allow the properly sniffed.
The unopened collar of the
Gentile flesh was my only
line of resistance.
I was bothered for the
tourists seemed to forbid the
very things I accepted nightly.
What was I to do?
Well a man comes up to
me, no more than 30,
I'd say and says to me and this other guy,
"Come follow me and I'll
make you fishers of men."
How could I refuse
pulling men from the sea?
Especially if they're good looking.
- I don't see that.
- My addition.
- Keep it.
Where is our esteemed director?
- [Nathaniel] Any minute.
- Congratulations.
Bart.
Nathaniel.
- [Nathaniel] Thank you.
- And playing our Lord and
Savior isn't exactly second best.
- I'm event planning the
rapture with Nathaniel here.
Someone who has some
experience in the field.
- Off with your clothes, serpent lover!
- Yikes.
- Blessed are the poor in spirit.
- I am poor in spirit.
- For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
- I hang out at bathhouses after all.
- Blessed are those who mourn.
- I mourn all right, even in the steam.
- For they will be comforted.
- Because I just don't
feel right about it.
- What about the meek?
Those who serve coffee?
- They will inherit the earth, darling.
- I will meekly follow this
man where ever he goes and do
whatever he tells me to do as best I can.
- Hand me my coffee then.
Blessed are those who hunger
and thirst for righteousness
for they will be filled.
- [Nathaniel] Yes, I
am starved and thirsty.
- Blessed are the peacemakers, for they...
- Hold on.
What about the merciful?
- Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
- And that's where you
give Bart the look like
you're gonna interrupt me again?
If we don't include his words about lust,
we should at least include
the business about anger,
even if you call your
brother a fool, et cetera.
- I tell you that anyone who
is angry with his brother
will be subject to judgment.
Anyone who says to his
brother raca will face
Sanhedrin, but anyone who says you fool,
will be subject to the fire of hell.
- I'm not exactly up on my scripture.
What is raca?
- Oh, worthless, blockhead.
- And Sanhedrin?
- Judges all across Israel.
So we include Matt 5:22,
I added, 5:43, 45...
- Slow down, slow down.
- Matthew?
- Mm-hm, you have heard that
it was said, you shall love
your neighbor and hate your
enemy, but I say to you
love your enemies and pray
for those who persecute you
so you may be sons of your
father who is in heaven.
And here's where I jumped to 5:48.
You therefore must be perfect as your
heavenly father is perfect.
- Then what do you do?
With the word of God.
- Where to go.
- You go to 5:20, for I tell
you unless you're righteousness
exceeds the righteousness of
the scribes and Pharisees,
you will never enter
the kingdom of heaven.
- I was gonna run it by you.
Maybe have one of the
disciples say something like,
"Hey guy, that's absolutely
impossible for anybody to do.
"Who could be more righteous
than the most righteous
"people on earth?"
- I like it because
it's exactly the point.
Impossible standards.
That's why they need him.
- Maybe throw in 2 Corinthians,
for our sake he made him
to be sin who knew no sin.
So that in him we may become
the righteousness of God.
- Are we boring you?
- Sorry about that.
- Take five, minions.
- [Female] Anyone who is
angry with his brother
will be subject to judgment.
(dramatic music drowns out speaker)
- Throwing your chi all
over the f*cking room.
- Slow down, slow down.
- [Hooker] Just a little itsy-bitsy extra.
- Yeah.
- [Venus] You're the one who called.
- Venus, whatever your name is.
Whatever your name is.
- [Lemur] What about my 200?
- [Nathaniel] Girls and
your f*cking (mumbles).
- Window.
(mumbles) French for, perfectly
trimmed, sweet smelling,
window.
You stupid son of a bitch.
(chattering)
- I thought I heard someone come in.
(chattering)
Nathaniel.
- We hate each other, remember?
- We do, don't we?
Your father had a meeting
at (mumbles) anyway.
So he'll meet you at the restaurant.
So he'll meet you at the restaurant.
- Why didn't you just call me?
- Well, maybe I just wanted
to meet the lucky girl.
- Perfect, let's go.
- You got an hour.
- Excuse him.
Really nice to meet you.
- Would you at least have him call me?
- What the hell was all that about?
Nathaniel?
- What?
- Why am I such a lucky girl?
Be careful.
- Stand fast therefore
in the liberty by which
Christ has set us free.
And do not be entangled again
with the yoke of bondage.
- Leviticus 19:13 if a man
lies with another male,
he is creating abomination,
and their death shall be
on them alone.
Period!
- You want to f*ck my guy?
His little brother.
You picked the two wrong
guys to dance with tonight,
didn't you?
They would have k*lled you, except...
Except for what?
Except for me.
- I'm a worm, not a man.
Scorned by men and despised by the people.
All who see me mock me.
They hurl insults, shaking their heads.
- Ava?
- Roaring lions tearing their prey apart.
Their mouths wide against it.
- Don't.
- I am poured out like
water, and all my bones
are out of joint.
(cat screeching)
(gasping)
- Ah swath of breeze feels
good against our unencumbered
genitalia, it is not pungent
or nasty to us in any way
at this point.
- Sure does.
How about pick some berries?
- 'Kay, love you.
- Love you, too.
- You must not eat from
any trees in this garden.
My ass.
- We may eat from trees in
the garden, just not the tree
in the middle, or touch it.
Or else we'll die.
- You will not surely die.
For God knows that when you eat of it,
your eyes will be opened.
And you will be like God,
knowing good and evil.
- When the woman saw that
the fruit of the tree
was good for food, and
pleasing to the eye and also
desirable for gaining wisdom,
she took some and ate it.
The eyes of both were
opened and they realized
that they were naked.
- What on earth is that
Cyclopean serpent dangling
above it's own two eggs?
It's vertical eye and their slit.
- What on earth is that
voluptuous slice of vulgarity?
That man eating abyss?
- Who told you that you were naked?
Have you eaten from the
tree I commanded you not
to eat from?
- This bitch, she gave me
some fruit and I ate it.
I didn't know what it was.
- What is this you've done?
- I was deceived, plain and simple.
By a comely entity, and
it did have two horns.
- Well, you'll bleed by the
month from what is now a curse
you straddle and I shall
greatly increase your pains
during childbirth.
Your desire will be nothing for yourself,
but everything for the pleasure of man.
And he will rule over you.
- sh*t.
- And you, oh, you will
be relentlessly in tuned
to this fold of flesh
by which he is cursed.
Able to see her only relative to it.
The fruit hung before her
heart shall be a distraction
as opaque as their milk.
Forever camouflaging it's pulse.
Your intentions will never
be more than the quenchless
aim of the divining rod I
hereby perpetually engorge.
The middle of your (mumbles)
forever driven at her loins.
- All right, good.
But, actually, nevermind.
- Yeah, yeah, and number two,
I wanna talk to you about
and I want to talk to you about a raise.
No.
I don't mean like a boner,
I mean like something you
can slip in your pocketbook.
Yeah, for real...
(doorbell chiming)
Yeah.
I know.
Holy sh*t.
- Mr. Waite.
- Hey, I'm gonna call ya back baby.
Yeah.
My niece.
- Is Nathaniel, we were gonna take a dip.
- Yeah, come on in then.
- Is he here?
- He's walking the dog with the old lady.
But you can come in.
- Are they at the park?
- I don't know where they are.
- I'm just gonna go meet them there.
Thanks.
- Suit yourself.
- It's you judging your father, not me.
And it's you condemning yourself.
Not anybody else.
- Your dad.
All of us has attributes, whether
you say it doesn't or not.
Wouldn't it be great to
just open up no matter what?
You call it on the dance
floor, presumptuous.
That's what I've longed for my whole life.
Be presumptuous.
To have faith.
You can't not presume,
negation wants as much as my
starry-eyed conjecture.
Isn't that something else
your over amped pompous
vocabulary called it on the dance floor?
- High school, Ava.
- But are you anymore open?
- How much intolerance
should tolerance but up with?
- I've been tolerant now?
- It all sounds very nice theoretically.
But by the book it's judgemental as hell.
Look at the text of the play we're in.
As liberal as it is.
What do you believe?
- The whole nine yards.
- You can't possibly.
- Why is that?
- [Pastor] We need to get
those flyers out to the
congregation with our need for apostles.
- [Female] Will do.
- Well, I did not lay with my
life until our wedding night.
So I am the greatest.
- I made love to a couple
whores, but I gave each of
them a beautiful pair of sandals.
And I gave one of them my
cloak because her naked
body was getting cold.
Aren't I wonderful?
Jesus said that we should
give our cloak also.
- I k*lled a Roman tax
collector to help the Messiah
release us from the bondage
of this Roman oppression.
- I am a tax collector and
I take offense to that.
I did not cheat anybody
and only took what were
lawful taxes.
- Just be thankful that I
did not m*rder you, too.
- Well, I have not had sex
with any human beings at all.
I only lay with goats
and sheep, and so I must
be the greatest.
- I saw a one legged whore
and gave her two dollars,
as an act of kindness.
And, I did not beseech her
rank mouth to suck me off.
- That is no good, you
cannot have rewards in heaven
for that because you just told us.
- I am letting my light shine before men.
- When you give or pray
you're supposed to be quiet
about it.
- I think Judas Iscariot is the greatest.
He is our master and trusted
him with the money box.
- But he steals from the money box.
- Judge not lest you be judged.
- Yeah, we were a bunch
of selfish losers with
self esteem problems.
We thought we were all
in on a good thing to be
hanging out with Jesus
because he was gonna be our
next king on the throne of David.
He was gonna kick the
Romans out of Israel.
We could probably be
his cabinet secretaries.
- Then we got Mother of
Zebedee's sons and all that.
Grant them one of these two sons of mine,
(mumbles) said sure and the
other left, blah blah blah.
Jesus, you know that.
- Do you know that the
rulers of the Gentiles lorded
over them?
Not so with you.
Instead, whoever wants
to become great among you
must be your servant and
whoever wants to be first
must be your sl*ve.
Just as the son of man
did not come to be served,
but to serve and to give his
life as a ransom for many.
- If I give my life
for the sake of others,
I am truly great.
- You are the lowest of the lows.
You are a gay bottom,
probably a diseased ass
at a bathhouse.
How can anything good come from you?
- Did you hear about that
q*eer Crooner, we stoned
to death for that?
May I tally the stoning of this
Kurt, for that was his name.
May the heavens tally it
up to me, the greatest
for having participated
in his t*rture and death.
- Just be thankful we
are keeping you alive.
If it were not for Jesus, we
would stone you to death too.
- Why does not Jesus fulfill
the law and ask us to
stone you to death, you f*gg*t?
- Scum.
- Get out of here.
We do not want you lusting after us.
- Yeah, we are getting
ready for bed, you f*gg*t.
- As a father who's loved
me, so have I loved you.
If you obey my commands,
you will remain in my love.
Just as I have obeyed my
father's commands and remain
in his love.
I have told you this so
that my joy may be in you.
And that your joy may be complete.
- So what did I do?
I've obeyed him.
At least I try to obey him.
It's very very hard,
I'm constantly tempted.
Two weeks later I meet a
man at the gym who gives me
a sack of silver.
I go to his house thinking
that I will just kiss him
a little bit, and give him a massage.
I failed miserably.
He ends up poking me and
afterwards I feel like a runny
egg sandwich, cold and sulfuric.
You couldn't tell how serious
it was just by looking
at him, but when his kidneys go,
he's not gonna do dialysis.
- You should go.
- There's this play I got roped into.
- You hate it.
- I'm having fun.
- I wish you would have stuck with acting.
- You would have married me.
- Definitely.
Should have brought my own tent.
- It's like my leg is stuck,
I'm just howling for a Kn*fe.
- Where do you aim them these howls?
- Pondering this.
Nathaniel was enlightened.
Overlooking the (mumbles)
dirt of his master's work.
- You think you are so smart.
- I'm the first to admit how stupid.
- Ah, second.
You're trying to change who you are.
And not just because the
world becomes so much simpler
with a woman, but maybe sincerely.
But it's on a different
level that I won't.
My church isn't a farse to me.
It's not a contradiction.
Not peeking out all trembly and diffident.
And that's my sole excuse
for loving something bigger
and better than myself.
Hide and seek?
Whoever lives by the truth
comes into the light.
So if he's seen plainly
that what he has done
has been done through God.
But you don't want to hear that, right?
Not from me.
Because I'm your projection.
The real me spills off the screen.
All this light comes into the
world but men love darkness.
Why?
It's not me who's hiding,
Nathaniel, it's you.
When?
- [Nathaniel] Vegas.
- Who do you even know in Vegas?
Did you do what I think you did?
I can't believe it, to prove
it's physically possible?
You're just like you're
willing to exploit her,
some poor fool would
do anything for money.
Some poor prost*tute?
- Listen, she was anything but poor, okay?
- Just like you're willing to
exploit her, you're willing
to exploit me?
For how I feel about you?
And for what?
A man you don't respect,
who betrays your mother
how many times a week with her?
That secretary thinks we're
getting married, doesn't she?
Because that's what your
father thinks, isn't it?
Do you think you're a sin or something?
Like I can absolve you?
- I don't respond to that word, Ava, sin.
- Well I do.
- And yet you came up here with me.
And now you're lying here next to me.
Isn't that just as much a sin,
as the f*cking follow through?
- You are a gay man.
- [Man] But I am a whore
despised by the people.
All who see me, mock me.
They hurl insults, shaking their heads.
- He trusts in the Lord,
let the Lord rescue him!
Let him deliver him
since he delights in him.
- Yet, you brought me out
of the womb and made me
trust in you even at my mother's breast.
From birth I was cast upon you.
From my mother's womb
you have been my God.
Do not be far from me.
For trouble is near and
there is no one to help.
- Okay, good.
(laughing)
(hollering)
- Look, just go pee in the ocean.
- Let's go.
- Let's just walk right
through them, all right?
- You'll get the sh*t
b*at out of you, okay?
(laughing)
- f*cking serious?
You like that?
- [Man] Pierce my hands and
my feet, thus display all
I know, people stare and gloat.
They divide my garments among them.
(speaker trailing off)
- Hey assh*le!
- What's with that?
- I can't believe he did that.
- Don't move.
Stop!
Waiter, waiter!
- I'm not trying to be what I'm not.
But I don't want what I am
to be everything either.
- [Nathaniel] We should do something.
- What like it's a birthday?
It's not a birthday.
- But it is an anniversary.
- A b*ating is nothing to celebrate.
- Surviving it is.
- You mean not k*lling myself?
- That's one way of putting it, yeah.
That's their point, to make
you loathe yourself, right?
- An act of redundance.
I asked what the most
important thing is and he said
all sagacious as sh*t, being
the scintillating shrink
my fagophobic mother says he is, intimacy.
That's an embarrassment, what's left.
- Does this embarrass you?
- The San Fernando Valley does.
- Then why are we still here?
- Because over the hills
and fagging away is what
I almost got k*lled for.
- Look I wouldn't call lying
in my arms, just because
you put the Hollywood Hills in between.
What's changed?
Your idea of West Hollywood
is haunted by what happened.
- The Himalayas wouldn't be
enough between here and there.
What happened.
Or body and soul, maybe
that's what I want a mountain
in between.
I wish she hadn't been there.
- She?
- And all the woe that
moved him so that he'd gave
that bitter cry, the wild
regrets and the bloody sweats
none knew so well as I.
For he who lives more lives than one,
more deaths than one must die.
- So who's being fed to the lions tonight?
What f*g shudders this very
hour at the roaring crowd?
What foul little Mexican?
What never not suspicious looking Muslim.
- And thus we rust life's chain.
Degraded and alone and some in curse
and some in weep, and
some may make no moan.
- I won't be able to afford the madness.
- Yes, you will.
- We'll make sure of it.
- And full blown AIDS as
they spectacularly call it.
Oh, like the plumage of
a peacock, we'll in raid
self rapturously across
my f*cked up subsistence.
The miasma of my inspiration.
- Of course.
- May I have some?
- And a matter of pailful focus gentlemen.
Matter of being earnest.
The importance of (laughing).
- You can't just take
people's food like that, Mike.
- Mmmm.
Mm-hmm.
- You can't just...
(moaning)
It's not right, you can't just...
(chuckling)
- I will declare your name to my brothers.
In the congregation I will praise you.
You who fear the Lord, praise
him, all you descendants
of Jacob, honor him, revere
him all you descendants
of Israel.
For he is not despised or
disdained the suffering
of the afflicted woman.
He has not hidden his face
from him but has listened
to his cry for help.
From you comes the demon of my praise
in the greatest symbol.
Before those who fear you,
will I fulfill my vows.
The poor will eat and be satisfied.
They who seek the Lord will praise him.
May your heart live forever.
All the ends of the earth will remember
and turn to the Lord.
And all the families of the
nations will bow down before him
for dominion belongs to
the Lord and he rules
over the nations.
- Get ready.
- All the rich of the earth
will feast in worship.
All who go down to the dust
will kneel down before him.
Those who cannot keep
themselves alive, posterity will
serve him, future generations
will be told about the Lord.
They will proclaim his righteousness
to a people yet unborn.
For he has done it.
- Ready back there?
- Let's do it.
We did not remember those passages written
centuries before the death of Jesus.
We are more than 108
Old Testament prophecies
about the first coming.
We did not consider or remember.
Zechariah describing Judas' betrayal.
With 30 pieces of silver.
- Yes.
- Sorry.
- Which is worse?
Pretending I'll suffice?
The denial, or forgiving
everyone and everything
except yourself?
And religion, of course.
You can ridicule how I
make sense of things,
but I'm not gonna not be
friends with someone I love
and you know that.
You used that.
I'm not your specimen.
- Would you stop saying that?
- Classic reaction formation.
I produce your anxiety.
Women do, and you
overcompensate to hide it.
- Brush up on your psychology.
A reaction formation isn't...
(hand smacking)
- Complicating matters,
I love what you hate.
Everything that holds up
the steeple out there.
- Not buying a dog eared version
of resurrection folklore.
- See?
Stop making fun of what just
might be my very essence.
- Who's making fun?
- You do.
- How about deconstruct?
- Fine, don't.
- Then don't try to convert me.
- With my body or my church?
- I guess we should get back to rehearsal.
- [Lowboy] Don't be dissin'
Jon (mumbles) on my watch.
- Who's dissin' the guy?
Who do I look like?
Pauly f*ckin' Kale, I never
dissed the guy once in my life.
I love the guy, I don't know
why you think I'm always
dissin' the guy.
- Say my name, one time, mother fucker.
I never heard you say Lowboy
not one mother f*cking time.
- Lowboy.
- That's how you're gonna say it?
- How the hell am I supposed to say it?
- Lowboy.
- Lowboy.
What the f*ck ever man.
- I, your Lord and teacher
have washed your feet.
You also should wash one another's feet.
I have set an example that
you should do as I have done
for you, I tell you the truth.
No servant is greater than his master.
Nor is a messenger greater
than the one who sent him.
Now that you know these things,
you'll be blessed if you do them.
(cell phone buzzing)
I'm not referring to all of you.
I know those I have chosen.
But this is to fulfill the scripture.
He who shares my bread has
lifted up his heel against it.
I am telling you now before
it happens so that when
it does happen, you'll
believe that I am he.
I tell you the truth.
Whoever accepts anyone I
send, accepts me and whoever
accepts me, accepts the one who sent me.
I tell you the truth.
One of you is going to betray me.
- Simon Peter elbows John,
asking which one he means.
John, Lord, who is it?
- It is the one to whom I
will give this piece of bread.
When I have dipped it in the dish.
- Judas takes the bread, (mumbles) enters,
and you say...
- What you are about to do, do quickly.
- Judas is off the races.
- Now is the son of man glorified
and God is glorified in him.
- Now his kidneys.
Well, you know the thing of
it is, yeah he looks sick.
But basically like you and me.
Not the usual emaciation
associated with f*g come-up-ants.
There just hasn't been time.
How's the fur burger?
- I'm coming out there.
- Tell that mixed up
mother fucker that there's
hemorrhoids bigger than
that bitch's (mumbles).
- That Lowboy?
- He never gonna learn
how to quell that little
(mumbles) bastard either.
And the white sh*t at
the tip of your tongue
don't know what to do with.
- Upstage my ass with my own material?
- Smack me mother fucker.
- Did he just say what I think he said?
- Your material, my ass.
And think about that sh*t
next time you downtown
on that little Christian bitch.
- See ya later.
- I'm going there to
prepare a place for you.
If I'm going to prepare a
place for you, I'll come back
and take you with me so
you may be where I am.
You know the way to where I'm going.
- What is it?
- Your friend called, that comic.
- Great.
He's not the most circumspect guy I know.
- Is that what a comic should be?
- Mutual friend isn't doing too well.
- That's what he said.
- He shouldn't have called here.
- Why?
He told me more about that fundraiser.
Were you afraid to?
- You sound like Ava.
- She enjoyed the show, didn't she?
- I just didn't think to tell you.
- As a matter of fact you did.
But you said it was a
fundraiser for sick comics.
- He's a sick comic all right.
- Then I wonder if you're
ashamed on some level.
- Money is essentially
being raised to rescue them
from red, white and blue religion.
And what's fueled it over there.
Can you accept why the funds are needed?
- Using God as a Trojan
horse isn't my cup of tea
if that's what you're trying to equate.
It's as Orwellian in my book as yours.
Love and acceptance for hate and division.
The ins and outs of my spirituality,
I'm willing to discuss,
Nathaniel, I just want to
one day hear my son possibly
overcome his own worst enemy.
Your friend, Mike, he couldn't.
- Tell your friend,
Lee, that some stranger
is praying for him back in Scottsdale.
And learn your lines.
Or we'll crucify you
upside down on Monday.
(chattering)
- Hey.
Come on, let's go see that hydrocodone
drinking mother fucker.
- [Nathaniel] Really?
- Do I have a blow job story for you.
- Don't even start, bitch, all right?
- Oh, I'm sorry, my freshly
heterosexual Christian man
playing an apostle no less.
This guy had the cutest little goatee.
Tickled, ah!
Just like the lettuce on a pink taco.
- Like you would f*ckin' know.
Let's talk some Lowboy, where is he?
I want him at least (mumbles).
- Those f*cking oral
transmucosal Fentanyl lollipops
he gets in TJ, that's
where the f*ck Lowboy is.
Sittin' on his sweet, sweet, back, oh!
(mumbles)
- You know what, look
at this guy, Nick Nolte.
(laughing)
Oh hell.
(mumbles)
- [Nathaniel] So what did
you do with your 30 pieces
of silver, Judas?
- And that's supposed to mean what?
Now that you're the expert
on Arcane biblical bullshit?
- You called the house
phone because you're nosy
and you couldn't resist
the opportunity to show off
how nosy you f*ckin' are.
- I'm supposed to know the
f*cking maze that is your life?
Every twist and turn, I
am not the bitch of your
self reproach, bitch, okay?
Like the details of the
fundraiser and what the f*ck
the money's for.
That's off limits to your mother.
- The lines are one thing,
my father is another.
I'll take the Colosseum over him any...
- I wasn't talking to your father, was I?
- [Nathaniel] Mother fucker, please.
- I dreamt of a flagstone path.
And tall wild grass.
Swaying like water 'cause
maybe Tarkovski would see it.
One cool flat slab at a time.
- Who's Tarkovski?
- It's the filmmaker, stupid.
- Okay, f*ck the two
of you in like a 1970s
bathhouse g*ng bang kinda way.
Enough with the stupid already.
- Moans and groans, rising and staying.
As spooky as fog.
Brant (coughs) stokers got nothin'
on this hungry f*g.
I take all comers.
Forever be mine.
I'm an infected f*g.
I'm an infected f*g, stupid.
- [Nathaniel] Like a vampire.
- Okay, you're so frickin'
funny you do the show tonight.
- [Nathaniel] You know what,
it doesn't even f*ckin' matter.
- Okay, let me ask you something.
What if, way back in old f*cked up day,
we down in Alabama way,
what if you could fake white
with just one kiss?
I mean who wants to bring
this sh*t storm on us anyway?
Who's willing to suffer
sh*t, if we don't have to?
- The star of the play I got roped into.
- Oh don't get me started,
you transmogrified bent prick.
- Nathaniel, Nathaniel!
- [Nathaniel] Ready.
- God, how dare you take my son.
My son was good.
One of the Christians.
If you're real as this Jesus is,
bring someone, to tell me about him.
And why this.
- Sir, I'm sorry for your loss
and I offer my condolences.
Have seen any soldiers about?
- This is my son, God
k*lled him for my sin.
- I do not believe that, sir.
- If you knew my sin, you would.
- God does not punish people in that way.
- My sin is heavy.
I betrayed my wife with a man.
(mumbles)
- The king will compensate
you for your losses, sir.
He's only interested
in k*lling Christians.
- My son was a Christian.
I am a brother to the king.
- Your honor, we are so sorry, we must go.
We're chasing the one named Bart.
He is perverting the country
with this new religion.
Let us go in that direction.
- Your dead son has to pee.
(whispering)
- How can I receive your gift?
I'm not like Bart, whose glorious
deeds shine like the son.
I've never known him to sin.
There are 12 cities in Armenia.
Filled with people that love
you and love each other.
All because of him.
My family with the exception
of my brother, the king,
have all changed for the
better because of him.
How could you love me?
How could you love, how could
you love a wicked man like me?
If that's possible, if that
is possible for you to love
a man like, then please, bring Bart back.
- Okay, again!
Let's shave some lines.
Ava?
Honey?
- I went camping with Nathaniel.
- Oh.
- Why?
Soldiers would k*ll me if I go back.
However, if it is your will, yes, all we,
like sheep have gone astray,
we've turned everyone
into his own way.
For with certain song, Isaiah.
Of course.
(mumbles) for our
transgressions, he was crushed
for our inequities.
Upon him was the
chastised (mumbles) peace.
With his stripes (mumbles).
So moved.
- The backseat threw us
apart, like the car was
tumbling end over end, not parked.
In high school, I mean.
And then Vegas, it wasn't,
it wasn't just the booze.
It's who he is.
Who he's trying to hide from.
Behind my skirt.
All over again.
And then the trauma of
losing Mike like that.
I don't know, it sent him backwards.
Summer between semesters,
it wasn't like this.
I mean he was out in West Hollywood.
To everyone.
Except his parents.
- What is even most
despised most in our time,
men attaching themselves to men.
Cannot separate me from the love of God.
I was celibate for many years.
With the apostle Paul in
order to give a gift back
to God for the sacrifice of my (mumbles).
Jesus said that if you can
remain celibate and unmarried,
the sake of the kingdom
of God then you should
remain celibate and unmarried.
He also said that not
everyone can accept this
word about celibacy.
You never know how long
we have on this earth.
And it is God's only provision for sin,
whom you receive the Lord.
It was the will of the
Lord to crush is earned.
To put him to grief, his
soul's an offering for guilt.
He bore the sin of many
bearing their inequities
so as to make many to
be accounted righteous.
And though he was brought
as a lamb to the slaughter,
as a sheep before the shears is gone.
Opening not his mouth as he
was cut off from the land
of the living (mumbles).
- Lord, I have sinned
against you and I need you.
Open the door of my existence
and I receive you as
my savior and my Lord.
Please take control of my life.
Take control of my life
and make me the person
that I should be.
I'm not feeling it.
- After the prayer,
let's have Theofilis ask
something like, how do I know
I actually have eternal life?
- Bart references 1 John 5:11, 12, 13.
This I write to you, who
believe in the name of the son
of God, and who will know
you have life eternal.
- Also, while we're on it,
you gave me a note on this
from the scripture to the Romans.
The free gift of God is eternal
life through Christ Jesus
our Lord, blah, blah, blah.
And just a sec, if you
confess with your mouth that
Jesus is Lord, and believe
in your heart that God
raised him up from the dead...
- Enter (mumbles) and what not.
- What the hell is this?
You damn well better not
be doing to my brother
what I think you're doing.
- I'm doing what I have
done with thousands of men.
- We have our own God, you son of a bitch.
- I'm preparing this man for reality.
- Listen up, let me tell you a little
something about reality.
You put up a sacrifice
right here and right now,
to Astaroth, the one the only, our God.
Or start pissing your robe, my brother.
- I would would rather brand
red hot to my testimony
upon my bare back.
- Whip the sh*t out of him with rods.
I want him on the cross upside down.
His big mouth where is balls should be.
And your blade will be patient.
Flay him as you would lay with your lover.
Tenderly, landerously,
and his screams shall reap
throughout Armenia, the
greater, and the one dozen
cities he's tried to
pervert with his tongue.
And I want his head for my mantle piece.
- Yeah!
All right.
That's it.
Monday, tech week, costumes,
sets, the whole nine yards.
- Pizza didn't arrive?
- Called it in?
- Like an hour ago.
- Again with the pizza!
Off with their gown at once!
30 lashes!
(laughing)
(mumbles)
- You do?
- Yeah, makes my hairs stick
down and get all itchy.
At least that's how I remember it.
- Is the point winning?
Were you winning (mumbles) in the closet?
Is that winning?
(mumbles) like your blanket.
And what you did, it's
bright during the day,
but haunts him at night.
- [Mike] Who he is, mostly.
- Like it didn't haunt you, who you are?
- I didn't write vag*na though, did I?
Growing his beard, again,
like in high school.
- And is the point winning?
Were you winning, when you
took that cat in the closet?
Was that winning?
- If we live for decades in
ultimately die of natural
causes, even then begging
for more everyday suffering.
It wins.
It's the only way I know of
that whatever this is, that it loses.
Nah.
- Not so much.
That's how he felt about it, too.
sh*t, here he comes.
- [Female] God has given us eternal life.
This life is his son.
Those who have the son, have eternal life.
Those who do not have the
son, do not have eternal life.
- [Nathaniel] It all
sounds very mysterious.
But by the book, it's judgemental as hell.
- I'm the resurrection and the life.
Whoever believes in me will
live, even though he dies.
And whoever lives and believes
in me, will never die.
- [Female] This I write to
you, who believe in the name,
the son of God and who will
know you have life eternal.
- Sorry about the charcoal.
- It's a little bit bigger than just that.
- You were sure pretty
made about it though.
- If it hadn't rained, it
wouldn't have mattered.
- A human sacrifice over
something so trivial
makes it worse.
- I just got home with the
charcoal and put it on the table.
I was so pissed off at you.
I just wanted to keep ragging on you.
But I couldn't find you,
so I put the steaks on and sat by myself.
The clouds started rolling
in, and I was still at that
table all by myself.
I even ate your cold steak.
Then it started raining
like the day before.
Cats, rats and dogs.
I had to put the cover on the barbecue.
It's the only reason
why I went back inside.
Inside that closet.
For a jacket.
- Probably myself back up
the assh*le pushed me out.
And our fight over the
charcoal getting wet.
- Love the Lord your God
with all of your heart,
and all of your soul and all of your mind.
This is the first and
greatest commandment.
- Help me.
- Sorry?
- How's the bag?
- Honestly, it's not looking
good, you're not peeing
worth a damn.
- Open the door, at the
blazing son of God arise up.
My light has illuminating
fire and set aglow.
These last drops of what
has been a bitter lemon.
Make upon a furrow brow, these last hours,
a sweet heat.
A perspiration of perpetual peace.
Venus, making your lust
less harmful to your soul.
- Yeah, you're gonna want those.
- And you think likewise.
- What?
- A father betraying his family.
More sinful than a mother
not holding him accountable.
- What did you just say?
- A man choking his
wife in the neon jungle.
More sinful than a man using
Ava for his own purposes.
- Stop.
- Her body's a steep challenge.
Your love not exactly a f*cking ski lift.
If she were stark naked
before you, what sin?
Perform a question mark.
What more?
Your gape would be as
lustless as a child before
it's own wet origins in the shower.
- Not the best analogy
given that his orientation
is an inoculation against a
virulent strain of Oedipus.
- Queers are queers
because they don't want to
accidentally f*ck their mothers?
sh*t.
- You did f*ck your mother.
- Chew up and swallow my
balls, skid mark, water park,
basement sand paper soft ass white...
- What do you have when
you take away the genes?
- Snail without antlers?
Peeking out under the hood.
- [Comic] Take away the genes.
- Strands of nucleic
acid without identity.
- [Comic] A curious notch.
- Look.
- Put that mother
f*ckin' thing away, girl.
- Look.
- I'm on my death bed here guys.
If you're gonna play doctor...
- [Ava] Look!
- Let's put this fucker
on wheels, what do ya say?
- Would it be okay?
- It will be beautiful.
- Ready?
Okay.
(tea pot squealing)
(eerie music)
Gospel According to Bart, The (2015)
Moderator: Maskath3
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