06x08 - No Volunteers, Please

[bunniefuu]

- Mel torme!
Yeah, my man.

The velvet fog.
Yes, sir.

Vic damone.

Great set of pipes over there.

Dinah shore.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Boy, can she putt.

What else we got?

Okay.

Dreyfie?

I found him
over on greenwood street.

Come in.

Dreyf, how did you
get out again?

You know, I saw
"Dr. Weston" on the tag,

and I wondered if it was you.

It is you.

Well, thank you very much.

Um, do we know each other?

Marty's coffee shop?

You used to be griddle cakes,
no butter, syrup on the side,

toast dry, half a glass of water
with one ice cube.

You were no trouble at all.

- Yeah.
- You're... you're, um,

don't tell me,
don't... don't tell me.

Don't tell me.

You're...

Tell me.

Doris.

- Yes. Doris, Doris.
- Sit down.

Gee, I haven't been in Marty's
place in, I don't know, ages.

No one has.

Marty b*rned it down
for the insurance.

So, how have you been doing?

Okay, I guess.

Well, my sister d*ed last year.

I'm, I'm so sorry to hear that.

That must be real hard.

I'm fine, Dr. Weston.

I have my macrame.

You know, it-it-it might help

to be around other people.

I'd hate to neglect my macrame.

- Yeah, yeah, I understand.
I understand.

But you know, I've been volunteering
at the canal street clinic,

and it's...
And it's very rewarding.

And, well, we could
use some help.

Do you think I could?

I really enjoy helping people.

Yeah, I think
I'd like to try that.

- Great!
That's good, terrific.

Well, I look forward
to seeing you down there.

Hey, can I borrow this?

- Sure.
- I just love Michael Jackson.

- Th-th-that's Lena...
That's... that's Lena horne.

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

Laverne, when's delivery
on that X-ray film?

Don't fret,
Dr. Douglas.

I'm on it like
a chicken on a June bug.

Give me the Leo in shippin'.

Dr. Weston.

- Doris, hi!
- Yeah, I'm glad you came down.

Wait. Excuse me
just for a moment.

Maxine, dear...

I'm sorry, I meant
to run this by you,

but this is Doris, and she's
interested in volunteering.

A volunteer?

Hi. I'm Dr. Douglas.
You get one week off in August.

I guess I should tell you

that I don't have
much background in this.

- Any medical experience at all?
- No.

- Administrative?
- Not really.

- Ever seen general hospital?
- Sure.

Welcome to the team.

Here.

Laverne, Laverne, this is Doris.

She's gonna help out
around here.

Well, praise the lord
and pass the amm*nit*on.

Leo! Yeah. If you
don't get me that X-ray film

by the end of the day,
you gonna be needin' x-rays.

That's more like it.

I love to make 'em weep.

Hello, Doris.
Pleased to meet you.

Come on, let's get you a locker.

My goodness, you were
very impressive on the phone.

It gave me chills.

I'd always wished
I could be that assertive.

It's a gift.

One of those gifts
you can't return.

Okay, salami, Bologna,
capicola, mortadella.

Spam.

Lunchmeat of the gods.

Hey, Carol.
Hey, mystery babe.

- Ignore him.
He just eats here.

That power walk
nearly did me in.

It must be all this extra weight
I'm carrying around.

- Tell me about it.
- My back is k*lling me.

I know what you mean.

My breasts were swinging
like 50 pound sandbags.

Have they started leaking?

- Leaking?
My socks are wet.

But the wetness I can live with,
it's the cramps.

It's like somebody's tying
a granny knot in my colon.

- Constipation.
- Constipation?

It feels like I'm trying
to pass a glacier.

Let's not talk about it
any more.

Just makes matters worse.
- Right.

But you do know
what the worst is.

Both: Hemorrhoids!

This is gonna be so great.

Us being Oxford parents
together.

I'm sorry, Oxford parents?

The Oxford academy preschool.

Carol, the waiting list
is years.

You mean you haven't
enrolled your fetus?

Well, actually, I hadn't
decided which preschool...

Honey, there are
no other preschools.

Without Oxford, you'll never
qualify for huntington primary.

- I won't?
- And without huntington,

lycee francais
is out of the question.

Mon dieu!

Well, then andover's out,

which means you can kiss
your Yale good-bye.

- What if I have a son?
He won't be a Yale man.

Yale man?

He'll be lucky
if he's an orkin man.

Boy, the only thing
that would make this day better

is if Tommy Lee Jones
walked through that front door

wearin' nothin' but speedos.

What the hell
are you so happy about?

Doris. She answered the phone,
she did the filin',

she took the inventory.
That woman is a godsend.

Laverne, I picked up
your dry cleaning.

And she delivers.

Doris,
you didn't have to do that.

Go on, you're
much too important around here.

Tell a friend.

I just don't know how
you keep track of everything.

I've got a thousand questions.

Well, anything you need to know

you can ask Maxine or me.

Course, they'll just go
glassy-eyed and say

"ask Laverne."

I was thinking,

maybe you could come up
to my place tonight,

sort of brief me.
I'll make dinner.

- Well, sure.
If it's no trouble.

I could use
a little home cookin',

hard as I work
a-runnin' this place.

And, you know, I've got
a red hair ribbon

that'll go beautifully
with that sweater.

Well, you don't think
that'll be too much red.

Not for a fireball like you.

Tss!

Harry, let me ask you
a question.

Don't you think Doris

got attached to Laverne
awfully fast?

Well, I-I think Doris

is just very enthusiastic
about her work.

- Hmph.
Regis and kathie Lee

aren't that enthusiastic
about their work.

Boy.

- Good morning.
Where's Laverne?

She called to say
she'd be a little late.

And guess what she told me.

It seems Doris made her
a lovely dinner last night.

With candles and wine

and music.

Sounds friendly.

- Too friendly.
Come on, Harry.

You ever made dinner
like that for another man?

Once when I was in the service,

but that's a long time ago.

Maxine, come on!
You're making too much of this.

I'm not making too much
of those.

Two dozen roses to Laverne
from Doris.

I read the card.

Maxine!

Well, there was
no envelope, Harry.

I was just walking by.

You'd have to be blind
not to see it.

I don't see it.

Under the baby's breath,
way in the back.

Wait a min... wait a minute.

Wait a minute. So Doris
sent Laverne some flowers.

What's the big deal?

- Wee!
- Look at them roses.

They must be romance in the air.

'Cause nothin' says lovin'
like roses by the dozen.

Who they for?
- All yours, blondie.

- Where's the card?
- Underneath the baby's breath.

Well, I mean, it's back
in there somewhere, I guess.

I don't know.

- Well, I'm a...
I'm a pushover for roses.

You might wanna
reexamine that attitude.

Okay. Let's see what poor
lovesick puppy sent these.

Doris?

Pfft. Imagine that.

Well, you... you
don't think...

That Doris is a tad
smitten with me.

Come on. This... this
could mean anything.

I vote for that smitten deal.

- Yeah.
I'm thinkin' ol' Doris

is tractored on a plow straight.

I just have to have me
a little talk with Doris,

tell her I ain't interested.

La-Laverne, please, this
is a rather delicate matter.

Doctor, please, I assure you,

where affairs of the heart
are concerned,

I have a tender
and sensitive nature.

What are you gonna say?

That I prefer a big, hairy men.

That oughta do it.

You got the flowers.

Yes. Thank you.

Doris?

We need to have a little talk.

Sure. Just let me
take off my coat.

Boy, don't you look...

Familiar.

You know, maybe we could
have that talk over dinner.

I know a nice cozy little cafe.

I have a date.

A date? I see.

Well, fine, then.

Don't worry
about poor little Doris.

Poor little Doris
can take of herself,

thank you very much.

Enjoy your date.

You left out
the big, hairy men part.

- Harry?
Ready to kick some butt?

Sophia, where would
this vase look best?

In the trash.

Daddy, how does everything look?

Sweetie, don't you think

you're going
to an awful lot of trouble

for a preschool interview?

Daddy, Brenda pulled
a lot of strings to set this up,

and I want my child to have
every educational opportunity.

Every chance to grow,
to blossom.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Blah, blah, blah.

Let's win one for shady pines.

Okay.

If anybody asks,

your name is Morris
and you're 85.

Okay.

Hello? Hi.

Brenda. Yes. He'll be here
in about an hour.

Thanks again for setting it up.

Yes,

I bought a smashing new outfit

and I had my nails done.

I just hope I don't dazzle
the poor fellow.

Mrs. Weston, Carol Weston?

- Brenda, I have to go now.
James Bond is here.

Hello, I'm Steven Ellis,
the Oxford academy.

I'm sorry I'm early,

but I'm having
a fundraiser tonight,

and suddenly they need me

to pick up Janet Reno
at the airport.

The Attorney General?

To her friends at Oxford,
she's just plain slats.

May I come in?

- Of course.
- Where are my manners?

Thank you.

Please,
pardon my... my appearance.

I was just... I was just...

Doing a research experiment
in microbiology.

You're a microbiologist?

I dabble.

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

So, will your husband
be joining us?

My husband. Yes.

No.
He's out of the country.

He's... he's studying arts
in Paris. At the sorbonne.

Well, how about that?

I studied at the sorbonne.

Well, he's not at the sorbonne.

He's near the sorbonne.

Just down the rue
from the sorbonne.

I was just wondering
about your family history.

- Well.
- Where to begin?

Our family is a rich tapestry.

A tapestry woven
of... of renaissance thinkers

and patrons of the arts and...

And?

Did I mention that we're
one eighth cherokee?

Really? I think the board
will be immensely impressed

with your Indian heritage.

Mr. Ellis.

I have to be honest
with you... about that...

Yes?

My people prefer the term
"native American".

Carol. I'm shipping out.

D'your old man have
any clean underwear?

I-I'm sure he does, Charley.

I'll tell him you asked.
- Hey.

Is that James Bond?

No, Charley.

This is Mr. Ellis,
from the Oxford preschool.

Just a minute.

Navy?

No. White.

m*llitary humor.

Actually, Charley here
is quite the w*r hero.

Isn't that right, Charley?

I mean...

I wouldn't say hero,

just a Navy flyboy
doing his job.

Maybe heard
of a little operation

called desert storm.

Certainly.

What did you fly?

An airplane.

Did I mention he took
a scud m*ssile to the head?

It's here! From the Oxford
academy preschool.

Thanks.

Aren't you gonna open it?

I already know what it says.

- Carol.
- Don't be so negative.

Come on, they could have
accepted you.

Of course they accepted me,

but I can't accept
their acceptance.

Daddy, I lied to get in.

- You lied?
That's not like you.

I know, but with Mr. Ellis
standing there,

looking like god in a tux,
talking about Janet Reno,

I just got swept away.

I just wanted what was best
for my baby.

Well, I mean, of course...

He knows Janet Reno?

I mean, it's crazy
enrolling our fetuses in school.

Yeah, I mean, what kind
of class picture would that be?

Besides, my child
does not need to go

to some snooty academy

to learn to shove play-doh
up its nose.

Sweetie, if I had any questions

about you being ready
to be a mother,

you just answered them.

Daddy.

You had questions?

No, not really.

I'm up, I'm up, I'm up!

Carol, relax.
This...

Okay.

Hello, Dr. Weston. I'm sorry
it's so late. Did I wake you?

- No, no.
I was just reading.

It's just your face
is all waffly.

- Yeah, I know.
It... it does that.

Come on in.

I... I... I was going to talk
to you on Monday,

but I couldn't wait.
I just want to say

I'm sorry for the way
I acted the other day.

Forget it.

And of course I'm also
going to apologize to Laverne.

- It's good idea.
- Do you think

a weekend in The Bahamas
would do the trick?

Doris, I, um, I think we...

I think we need to talk.

Now, f-f-first of all,

you... you... you just tell me

if this is none of my business,

because probably
it's none of my business.

But these are the '90s,
and so...

I'm just gonna ask you
straight out.

Doris, are you a le...

Le...

Let me rephrase this.

I mean, it...

You just met Laverne, I mean.

Why The Bahamas?

Well, whenever my sister
and I would have a tiff,

we'd take a little trip.

We were very close.

I guess that's true
of all identical twins.

Identical twins?

By any chance, did the two
of you use to dress alike?

Every day.

But we couldn't have been
more different.

Donna was sexy, sassy,
fun to be with.

Sounds like Laverne,
except for the fun to be with.

Well, I... I hadn't thought
about it,

but they are a lot alike.

- You know what I think?
I think you've been...

I think you've been putting
Laverne in Donna's place.

I don't think I...

I mean, it's possible
that I c...

My.

Dr. Weston,
I think you're right.

I feel just awful.

- Well, no, no, don't.
Don't, don't.

The point is your sister's death

could be
a terrific break for you.

I beg your pardon?

Well, no, I mean,
wh-what I'm trying to say is

is... is that it's not too late
for you to...

You know, to have
your own identity.

You know? Listen.

Why don't you take that trip
to The Bahamas by yourself?

I couldn't.

Yes, you could.

Come on. You're a vibrant,
intelligent, attractive,

lovely young lady.

Really?

Would you like to go with me?

Laverne.
I've just came to say good-bye.

I've decided to take
a little vacation.

Well, I think
that's a fine idea.

Dr. Weston and I had
a good talk last night,

and he cleared up a few things.

Well, I'm sure glad
to hear that.

And now I want to apologize.

For what?

Listen, just 'cause I'm
from a small town

don't mean I ain't been
around the block.

Some people march to the b*at
of a different drummer.

In fact, I pride myself
on bein' different.

- Really?
- Sure.

I think sexual preference

is a matter
of personal choice, Doris.

I hope you know
what I'm tryin' to say.

I certainly do.

You're a lesbian,
and no, thanks.

Harry, look.

It came back from the engravers.

Why, that's beautiful.

That's great, Sophia.

I... I never won
an award before.

- We're immortal.
Our names will live forever

in the trophy case
at shady pines.

- Look at this.
This is great.

"First place.
Extremely old division"

"Sophia petrillo and...

Morris levine"

I'm so proud.