06x07 - Mother Dearest

[bunniefuu]

Laverne, the answer is no.

Well, someone's gotta cut
your hair.

You broke the last
three appointments

I made for you
at the "har" barn.

I don't want to go
to the "har" barn.

I've been going
to Duke's barber shop

for 22 years,
and when Duke is back

from his cruise,
I'll get a trim.

- What's the difference?
It's just a haircut.

I have been trimmin' my nephews
for years.

I've got hair in my blood.

Laverne, look, getting a haircut

is... is more than just
getting your hair cut.

It's talking politics and sports

and... and hearing Duke say,
"how you doing, tiger?"

With a little hint
of bourbon on his breath.

Well, that would explain
the crooked sideburns.

Now, sit your skinny butt
down, tiger.

Laverne,
I do not need a haircut.

- Yes, you do.
I'm the one what has

to look at it all day long.

Will you stop bossing me around?

You sound like my mother.

You sound like my mother.

If I wanted to hear
this kind of bickering,

I could've stayed home today.

How are things going
with your mom?

Are you kidding?

Ever since I picked her up
from the airport,

it's been the same old story.

I say, "right."
She says, "left."

I say, "up."
She says, "down."

I say, "black."

She says,
"African-American."

- Come on.
It can't be that bad.

Wanna bet?

My mother
is the only person in the world

who can walk into a room
and start a conversation

by saying,
"and another thing."

Doctor, do you know
what would help

get you out of this foul mood?

A nice trim.

♪ Life goes on

♪ and so do we

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

If you could just have a seat,

I'll be right with you
in two shakes.

And another thing...

Why do people
always want you to sit

when you want to stand?

Why, you must be
Dr. Douglas' mother.

- How did you know?
- It's a gift.

Glad to meet you.
I'm Laverne Todd.

- Hi, ma.
- Now, you didn't tell me

I had to walk three blocks
from the bus stop.

You didn't tell me that.

Mama, maybe we should go
into the lounge.

Well, fine. If you ashamed
for folks to see me.

She seems nice.

Eight years of medical school,

and this is the plum you landed?

No, ma,
this is the plum I chose.

And stand up straight.

You know, you got to pay
more attention to yourself.

Yes, ma'am.

And where's your white coat?

Don't you want to at least look
like a doctor?

Maxine, here's that file
you wanted. Excuse me.

I'll come back later.
- No! Stay.

I'd like for you to meet
my mother.

This is Josephine Douglas.

- Hi.
- My pleasure.

And this is
Dr. Harry Weston.

- Now, you see?
This looks like a doctor.

Well, thank you very much.

Mama, when did you start
wearing glasses?

I got them at the drugstore

when I started
getting headaches.

You never told me
you were having headaches.

- You never asked.
- Well, I'm asking now.

- Well, now it's too late.
I already told you.

Maxine tells me this is
your first visit to Miami.

Ho... how do you like it?

Let me tell you something
about Miami.

The sidewalks here are harder
than they are in New York.

What?

- And another thing...
About Mia...

Mama, maybe we should get
going to the restaurant.

I'm taking you
to the diamond grill.

- Is their kitchen clean?
- I guess. How should I know?

Now, you see?

I ask her a simple question,
and she snapped at me.

Come on, you two
are gonna have a great lunch.

Would you like
to join us, Harry?

No, no, no, I...

Well, I-I-I have to get
a haircut.

Did I hear
someone say "haircut"?

Anita, it's so sweet
of you to bring

all your old baby things by
for me.

Hey, after ten kids, it's
great to have my closets back.

I thought you had three kids.

- Really?
It feels like 10.

You!

Look!
This is adorable.

- Yeah, you first-timers...
Everything's adorable.

So you're pretty excited,
aren't you?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Booties... blankies...

Ciggies?

Those are mine.

Of course, I didn't smoke
when I was pregnant.

And I don't smoke
in front of the kids,

just around my husband.

- Doesn't he mind?
- He hates it.

Look how sweet.

Twinkle, twinkle...

Carol, one more twinkle,

and mommy will have to smoke.

Anita, I'm so glad you came by.

I'm really nervous.

I'm waiting for the results
of my amniocentesis.

You still
don't want to know the sex?

Absolutely not.

- You mean ever?
Carol.

Anita, the moment of revelation

is something
I've always dreamed of.

I want to have
the same experience

that... that women
through the ages have known.

It's what bonds us
together like...

Like spiritual sisters.

That and cellulite.

No, this may be

a once-in-a-lifetime moment
for me.

I want a magical surprise
at the end of my journey.

- You'll get one.
- It's called a placenta.

- You sent back the soup.
You sent back the salad.

But the last straw was
when you sent back the steak.

It was too rare.

It was mine!

Never did know how to order.

Let's see if we can figure out

what's causing these headaches.

Okay. Look.

Time's up.

Mama.

Maxine, I don't need you
looking in my eyes.

- Okay. Fine.
Just stand right here.

Now, read the third line.

- I can't.
You're holding it too close.

Of the chart.

Why can't I read
the fourth line?

- Fine. Fine.
Read any line.

R-e-s-p-e-c-t...

Something I'm not getting.

Okay. Fine.

You just...
Stay right here.

And another thing...

Harry, I'm gonna need
some time off.

- Right.
How long do you need?

It depends... how long do you
get for k*lling your mother?

The exam didn't go well?

What exam?

Harry, I'm worried
about these headaches.

If I could get her
to an ophthalmologist,

we could rule out hypertension,
diabetes...

A tumor.

- So I'll call Dr. Breslin.
- Forget it.

There's no way
she'll go for that.

Hold it. Hold it...

What if she doesn't know
she's being examined?

- What?
- Just follow my lead.

What?

- Well, no.
- Nothing.

It's just that those glasses
look a little small

for your face.

Nobody ever told me that before.

Maxine, what do you think?

I think they're perfect.

Then they must be too small.

You know, Dr. Breslin
has a lot of great frames.

Harry, mama doesn't need
designer frames.

And this is the woman who
sent me culottes from K-Mart.

Ma, Dr. Breslin's stuff
is way too fancy for you.

You don't want to go there.

Get me an appointment
with that guy.

- Okay.
- Excuse me, Dr. Douglas.

You wanted these x-rays
as soon as they came in.

Thank you, Laverne.

Miss Douglas,
what beautiful glasses.

Dr. Weston said
they were too small.

Well, the problem's
not the glasses.

It's the hair,
but I can fix that.

Laverne, we thought mama
would find

some nicer frames
if she went to Dr. Breslin...

The eye doctor?

Well, she's not gonna find

any prettier frames
than what she's got on.

- Laverne...
- But what I was thinking

is why clutter up that face
with glasses.

Why not get contacts?

Now, why didn't
you think of that?

I'm just a doctor.

She's a barber.

Doctor, Casey macafee
just pulled in the parkin' lot.

Are you sure you don't want me
to take a little of the top?

Yes, yes, go show her in.

Hi.

Casey, you startled me.

Harry, we have to talk.

I'm tired of playing tag
with your answering machine,

so I thought
it'd be more interesting

to come over here
and tag you in person.

You're it.

I am.

Well, good.
Good, good, good.

You know, the closest I get
to connecting with you is by...

Pushing my "play" button.

That sounds like fun.

Be even more fun if we could
go out on an actual date.

Laverne, would you bring
my appointment book in, please?

We're gonna settle this
right now.

- Good idea.
- Okay.

Do I have anything
for tomorrow night?

Free as a bird, doctor.

- I'm sorry.
- I have a seminar.

It's just as well,
'cause it's supposed to rain,

and you know
how your arthritis acts up.

A little...

A little tennis elbow.

- You playin' tennis again?
- That... thank you, nurse.

That will be all.

- How about Thursday?
- No, I have a fundraiser.

- Friday.
- No. I can't.

- Saturday.
- Harry, it just looks

like we're never gonna get
together.

- I know.
It kind of looks hopeless.

- Tell you what...
How about tomorrow night?

I-I thought you were busy.

I just had a cancellation.

Okay, all right.

You know, Casey,
I think you and I just made...

- Don't say it.
- It's bad luck.

And...

You do want to get lucky,
don't you?

My mother never listens to me.

She is the most stubborn person
in the world.

You don't know stubborn.

My grandma was so stubborn,
she refused to grow.

What?

Stayed this size
her whole life...

Darlin' little woman.

Laverne, a person cannot will
themselves to remain small.

It's like saying
you can will yourself to fly.

That'd be my cousin Vernon.

I'm back.

Ma, how did it go
with Dr. Breslin?

- Great. Just great.
- What'd he say?

I'll tell you what he said.

He said I got glaucoma.
I'm gonna go blind.

Ma, I just got off
the phone, with Dr. Breslin.

I've got some good news.

Better than going blind?

Ma, your disease
is in its early stages.

A simple procedure
will take care of it.

Which is doctor-talk for what?

- For an operation.
But it's very routine.

The early stages of glaucoma
are not that serious.

If it's not that serious,
I don't need an operation.

Ma, believe me, the benefit
far outweighs the risk.

This is getting better
all the time.

I come out here
for a little visit.

The next thing you know,
I got a disease,

and they're gonna cut
my eyes out.

Mama, nobody's gonna cut
your eyes out.

You got that right,

'cause I'm going back
to New York.

- Now, that's just stupid.
- Are you calling me stupid?

I'm saying your behavior
is childlike and foolish and...

Yeah, I'm gonna stick
with stupid.

Let me tell you something,
young lady.

I am not having an operation.
I am going back to New York.

And another thing...

These are my eyes,
and you are not the boss of me.

Well, let me tell you something.

You're gonna have
this operation,

if I have to hog-tie you

and hit you in the head
with a hammer!

- Nothin' to worry about.
That wasn't a patient.

That was just her mother.

Hi, Anita.

You...

Another reason not to have kids.

Hey, you just don't come
in here and take things out.

That's my job.

I brought this box of
baby things for Carol yesterday.

I'm taking them back.
- How come?

Another one of fate's
cruel, little jokes...

I'm pregnant again.

My husband will do anything
to get me to stop smoking.

I got it.

Hello?

No, Carol's not here.

The sunset lab.

We've been waiting to hear
from you guys.

The baby's completely normal.
That's great.

Sex?

Maybe, what do you look like?

You mean
the... the sex of the baby.

Charley,
Carol doesn't wanna know.

- What's the big deal?
So what is it... a boy or a girl?

Really?
Cool. Thank you.

Charley, you are scum.

So what is it?

Hi.

Hi, Carol,
sunset lab just called.

- You spoke to the lab?
What did they say?

- You're fine.
The baby's fine.

And it's... wait.
You don't want to know.

Know what?

Pea brain found out
the sex of the baby.

Charley, how could you?

I told him
you didn't want to know.

- Hey, calm down.
I can keep a secret.

I've been keeping one
for two years.

You know that hit-and-run driver
that totaled your car?

That was me.

Charley,
you're missing the point.

I was supposed to be
the first to know,

then daddy,
then the rest of the family.

You were, like, 126 on the list.

You moved up one.

Carol, you're making, like,
way too big a deal out of this.

That's because it is
a big deal, Charley.

You have drilled
a peephole into my soul,

you... you... you have leered

at the most cherished part
of my future.

I've never felt so violated.

Boy, if I had a nickel
for every woman

that said that to me...

Good night, Maxine.

Yeah.

Night, Harry.

I think I should go in there
and talk to her.

Doctor, I think
this is somethin'

we should let her
work out for herself.

And I don't mean to be impolite

but it's sort of, like,
none of our business.

- I don't know.
Maybe you're right.

Night.
- Good night.

Doctor, we've got to talk,
and I mean right now.

If this is
about teeny-tiny grandma,

I don't wanna hear it.

Doctor, I know we have
a professional relationship,

but I like to think of you
as a friend.

Is this
about my mother, Laverne?

Yes, it is. And I hate what's
happenin' between you two.

Look, I did everything I could.

I reasoned with her.

I laid out the facts just like
I would with any other patient.

Doctor, she's been
your patient for one day.

She's been your mother
your whole life.

Did you also tell her
you love her?

Of course I did.

I said, "you're gonna have
this operation,

if I have to smack you
in the head with a hammer."

Now, if she can't see
the love in that...

Hallmark has some cards

you might wanna take a look at.

Charley...

Carol told me
about your conversation

- with the lab.
- Yeah.

It wasn't my fault.

You.

- Carol, I want...
- Hi, daddy.

How was your day?
- Just great, dear.

Casey macafee and I
finally made a date.

That's wonderful.

Remember, Harry,
on a first date,

you gotta be suave.

When the bill comes,
pay at least half.

You'll get it back later.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Carol Weston.

My amniocentesis results?
But you already called.

A mistake?

They got the files mixed up.

The baby's healthy.
That's wonderful.

No, I don't want to know
the sex.

Well, thank you for calling.
Can you believe it?

They have a patient named
Diane Weston.

What a relief!

Now nobody knows
the sex of the baby.

Sweetheart, that's terrific.

Well, all's well that ends well.

Charley,
as far as I'm concerned,

you are still
a low-life, insensitive slug

and an abomination
of all that is decent.

Hey, we're talking again.

Looks like things worked out.

- No thanks to you.
- Yeah.

Thanks to Linda.

What?

That was a friend of mine
on the phone.

I felt bad about what happened
between Carol and me,

so I had my friend Linda
make that call.

Charley, that was
very thoughtful of you.

I know it's tough to admit
you're wrong.

Not as tough
as teaching a stripper

to say "amniocentesis."

And another thing...

You got snow on channel 11.

I thought you'd be gone by now.

Shh, Lucy's in trouble.

She lost her wedding ring,

and I think Ricky's about
to find it in his meatball.

Ma, I've been doing

a lot of thinking.

Now, if you came
in here to fight,

I'm not interested.

- Neither am I.
I'm tired of it.

And if you came in here
to talk me into that operation,

I'm not interested.

Mama, I can understand
if you're scared.

- Scared? Who's scared?
I'm not scared.

There's no shame in it.

Look, I wasn't scared
when your father d*ed.

I wasn't even scared
when you almost d*ed.

When did I almost die?

Wouldn't you like to know?

I have never been scared
in my whole life,

- so don't go trying to tell me...
- Mama, hush.

Now, I'm gonna do
something to you

I should've done
a long time ago.

You better watch
your step, Maxine.

What you doing?

It's called a hug.

I know we haven't done
a lot of this.

Mama, you and I have got
to start communicating.

You're right, baby.

Now, I want you to know that...

Through all my life
and everything I have ever done,

you've always been the...

Biggest pain in the butt
I have ever known.

You just saying that
to make me feel good.

No, that's straight
from the heart.

Well, the beauty of it is
I feel the same way about you.

Mama, I need you
to take care of yourself.

I know.

If I have this operation,

you gonna be
in the hospital with me?

I'll be right there,
holding your hand.

And another thing...

Dr. Douglas,
I gotta get you to sign these.

Dr. Douglas?

Poor thing,

her mama wore her out.

Touch me, and you die.