06x05 - Mom's the Word

[bunniefuu]

From the minute
I found out I was pregnant,

it's just been hell.
I mean...

Morning sickness,
my breasts are k*lling me,

I'm peeing all the time.

So soon?
Aw, well thanks for calling.

And if I do ever decide to
change my long-distance service,

I'll let you know.

Hi, daddy.
Daddy...

I'm having a little problem
with the house.

What is it, dear?

It's a toxic pit.

- Carol...
- Daddy...

Do you know what this table
is made out of?

- It's wood, from trees.
Trees are good.

Unless they're compressed
into medium-density fiberboard,

which is riddled
with urea-formaldehyde.

- I'll tell you what...
I'll bring home

one of those lead bibs
from X-ray.

We use it as a tablecloth.

Daddy, I'm very serious
about this.

I know you are, dear,

but don't you think
you're overreacting?

I am behaving no differently

than any other normal,
expectant mother.

My god!

Get that thing out of the house!

But it's a... it's a toaster!

Daddy, that little "ding"

probably set off a mini-tidal
wave in my amniotic fluid.

I'll bet my poor little
prenate is swirling around

in the vicious undertow.

You know, something like that
can cause a fetus

to grow into a neurotic,
obsessive adult.

Funny. I don't remember her
mother making that much toast.

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

♪ rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

Daddy...

Do you think my radon detector
is giving off... radon?

Carol sweetheart,

ever since you found out
you were pregnant,

you've done nothing
but hang around this house

worrying about the carpet,
about the toaster,

about the radiation
from the television...

Come here.

Where is the television?

Hey, Harry!

Thanks for the TV!

All right...

What?

I had Charley take it
over to his house.

I always wanted a TV
in my bathroom.

Now I don't have to read
in there.

Don't get too attached
to that TV.

Hello.

Hi, Mike!
Yeah, she's right here.

Whoops, she's gone!

Boy, can that girl move!

All... yeah, yeah,
I... I'll tell her you called.

Why did you make me do that?
You said Mike is a nice man!

He wants to go out with me!

What is wrong with that?

I'm pregnant!

The minute he finds out,

it'll be
"see you later, procreator."

I believe
that's "alligator."

Honey,
it's... it's only one date.

Trust me, I need you to get out!

I mean, you need to get out.

You need to... interact.

You need to... interface

with somebody's face
that's not my face.

- You're right, daddy.
You're absolutely right.

I'm going to go upstairs
right now and call him back.

That a girl!

So... Harry...

What do you feel like doing now?

I feel like watching my TV.

Me too. See ya.

- Good morning, Laverne.
- Good morning, Sophia!

I brought some magazines
for your waiting room.

- Well thank you.
- Where'd you get all these?

I stole 'em
from my dentist's office.

Wait a minute...
Give me this one.

It's got an article on
"how to meet a handsome senior."

Well, Sophia, that's teen world,

they're talkin' 'bout
a high school senior.

What's your point?

- Sophia!
What a nice surprise!

- Hi Harry, Maxine.
- Hi, how are you doing, Sophia?

- So how are you holding up?
When's the baby shower?

I don't know, dear,
that's not my department.

- Darn tootin'.
That's my department.

I know all they is to know
about baby showers.

I remember my baby shower
like it was yesterday.

Picture it.
Sicily, 1933.

The piazza's decorated
blue and pink.

The whole town is there.

Sounds wonderful.

It was...

Till uncle Tony
took a b*llet in the gut.

He ended up face-down
in the eggplant parmesan.

My god, that's awful.

Yeah.

We had to eat around him.

Now, doctor,
you made the right decision

a-puttin' me in charge
of this baby shower.

When did I do that
and why would I do that?

You know, Laverne,
I'd be glad to give you a hand.

What's the matter, flipper?

Look, Maxine, I'm not so sure

this is such a good idea.

I mean, the two of you,
you're both strong women

with strong opinions and you...

And that's good.
That's very good.

Boy, I like this idea!

Now, I think it has to be
a surprise. What do you think?

Laverne, the woman is pregnant
without a husband.

Don't you think
she's had enough surprises?

Well, I say it has to be
a surprise.

Now how 'bout you handle
the decorations and the cake?

Fine.

And we're gonna need yellow
and white streamers,

white tablecloth, yellow
napkins, white utensils

yellow cups and white plates.

Okay, fine.

Excuse me, doctor,
I's wonderin' on

where you plan
to get this stuff.

- I don't know...
"Party shack"?

I see.

Laverne, is there someplace
else you'd like me to go?

Someplace that gives you
a kickback?

Well, it's just that
the streamers at "party shack"

are a sickly yellow color,
so you need to go to Ed's.

Fine. I'll go to Ed's.

Only Ed's don't have
yellow cups,

so you gotta go to pick n' pack.

Laverne, why don't you just
buy the decorations yourself?

- Why would I do that?
You signed up for 'em.

Then if I'm gonna handle it,
let me handle it.

With all due respect, doctor,

I know how to throw a party.

And with all due respect,
Laverne...

I know how to throw a nurse.

So the next thing I know,
I run into my therapist...

- Wait a minute.
You see a therapist?

- Yes.
Is there anything wrong?

God, no!

Please, go on!

So I run into my therapist,
and he's out on a date

with my girlfriend.
- I can't believe it!

The exact same thing
happened to me!

What did you do?

- The only thing I could do.
I dumped 'em both.

- Well, of course!
That's what I should've done!

Well, you know,
it wasn't easy, but...

Hey, if you don't have any
self-respect, then who are you?

Me.

You have a wonderful
sense of humor.

And you have...

Wonderful dimples.

- Can I bring you folks a drink?
- No, I can't drink.

I... I... I mean, I can drink.

I'm just not going to drink.

No reason.

Sometimes you feel like a drink,
sometimes you don't.

And do you
feel like a drink, sir?

I'll just have some wine
with dinner.

You know, Mike...

A lot of people are afraid to
admit that they're in therapy.

Not me.

'Course I'm not one of those
loonies who goes 3 times a week.

When you say "loony..."

Do you mean that
in a negative way?

- Hey, Carol!
- God.

Carol, I'd like you to meet
someone very special to me.

This is Stacy.

Tracy!

Whatever.

Why don't you
go get us a room...

I mean, a table.

Charley, this is my date,
Mike, remember?

This is my neighbor,
Charley dietz.

Hey, Mikey, watch your wallet.

You know, she's eating for two.

Tuberculosis...

It's...

An eat-a-thon.

And boy can our little Carol
pack it away.

Charley, I think
you're date's getting cold.

- She'll keep.
- Carol...

Maybe we should order.

I thought we'd catch a movie.

Unless... you think
that'd be too late for you.

- Late?
This woman's a night owl!

She never gets tired.

It's not like
she's pregnant or anything.

What are you doing?

I need new batteries
for your TV remote.

These got... wet.

How did they get wet?

I was in the shower
watching Dr. Quinn,

suddenly I realize
it's time for urkel.

That's when I got
the brainstorm.

"Remote on a rope."

- Morning.
- Hey, pregster.

Did you tell Mike

about the pitter-patter
of little fetus?

No. I couldn't face it.

Men are so prejudiced
against pregnant women.

Maybe some men.

Personally, I consider
a woman carrying new life

to be the ultimate expression
of feminine beauty.

Charley, that's
very enlightened of you.

So would you date one?

Eww!

- You see, daddy?
Men just can't handle it.

I mean, how am I supposed
to tell Mike I'm pregnant?

Just come right out
and tell him.

You mean like:
"Hey, Mike, you like kids?

Great! Now, how important is it
that they look like you?"

Carol, if Mike has a problem
with your being pregnant,

then you don't want him anyway.

That's true.

He's not good enough for you.

You're right, daddy.

I'll just forget all about him.

Even if he is an orthodontist.

He's an... he...
He's an orthodontist?

Doctor...

Have you figured out
how you're gonna get Carol

to my house for the baby shower?

Yeah, I told her we're gonna
pick you up for a movie.

- No good.
- Why not?

'Cause she'll ask what movie.

She already did. I told her
she could pick the movie.

Supposin' she don't pick one
playin' in my neighborhood.

Then you can pick the movie.

Supposin' I don't pick one
playin' in my neighborhood.

Why would you do that?

Because I have a better plan.

Now, you two will be drivin'
through my neighborhood

on the way to the mall

to pick up your tuxedo
for the hospital fundraiser.

What hospital fundraiser?

For Pete's sake,
they ain't no fundraiser,

we're spinnin' a yarn.

I see... go on.

So then, you'll get
a couple blocks from my house

and you'll pretend
your car breaks down.

But luckily,
you're near my house,

so you can come on in and use
my phone to call for help.

I have a car phone.

Say it's broken.

Say we're near a pay phone.

Say it's out of order.

Say a cop drives by.

Say he's off duty.

Say I fire your ass.

Okay, we'll do that
fool movie thing.

Maxine, what is all this?

Decorations.

Some from "pick 'n pack,"

conveniently located on i-95,

just north of Cuba!

The rest are from Ed's.

He hasn't reopened
since the hurricane,

but he was kind enough to let me
rummage through the debris!

Laverne, you have an awful,
awful lot of decorations.

No, I don't.

What about all that stuff
in the locker?

They ain't nothin'
in the lock...

- Sure, sure there is...
Here.

Laverne, what is all this?

Funny thing. You can get
everything at "party shack" now.

That's it! It's over!

Done! Finished! Kaput!

I quit!
You're on your own!

I knew this was gonna happen.

So did I.

That's why I didn't make her
a party hat.

Yes, Laverne.

Well, see, I wouldn't still be
here if you would stop calling.

Laverne, I will have her
there at 7:30!

No, we do not need
to synchronize our watches!

Listen, please, do a...

Laverne, don't worry,
Charley is with her.

Charley has promised not to
let her out of the house.

Charley,

tell daddy I have to take
a rain check on that movie,

I'm having dinner with Mike.

God bless!

Wait...

There's something
I'm forgetting.

I know! 7:30.

Carol, honey, are you ready?

Carol!

Charley, where's Carol?

She's out on a date with Mike.

Do you remember the conversation

we had two hours ago?

You mean about not flushing
newspaper down the toilet?

No, about Carol!

Yeah! I wasn't
supposed to let her Lea...

Harry, I begged her,
I pleaded with her,

I even threw myself
in front of her car.

You forgot, didn't you?

- Yeah.
Both conversations.

I'll go get the plunger.

Please, Laverne,

no more balloons.

You see that pink one
over there?

Yeah.

It's one of my lungs.

Well, all right then,

why don't you go get
the hors d'oeuvres?

And don't put the deviled eggs
next to the canapes,

the colors clash.

And when you're done with that,

you can help me set up
a couple of games.

I think we'll play
"musical high chairs"

and "pin the diaper
on the baby."

Couldn't we just get a stripper?

Dr. Douglas, what a surprise.

- Hello, Laverne.
I thought you might need this.

Well, thank you, doctor.

But you made it perfectly clear
that you were no longer

interested in helping
with this shower.

No, Laverne,
what I wasn't interested in

was being treated like a child.

- Whatever you say, doctor.
Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have napkins
to fold into storks.

Laverne, I'm trying to be nice.

But I'm warning you...

It doesn't come naturally.

Well, I ain't got time
to give you lessons,

I'm expectin' guests.

You know,
they should've been here by now.

You know, you can't even count
on people to read an invitation.

Well,
they might have read them...

If you had sent them.

- Okay...
This ain't my fault!

- Well, whose fault is it?
Mine?

Who could that be?

Well, we know
it's none of these people.

Laverne, it's me!

- Dr. Weston, you're early.
I told you, you can't be early.

Well, we have
a little problem, I...

I... I couldn't get Carol here.

I'm sorry, I don't know
what to say, Laverne,

I know I... I let you down.

Yeah, you did, didn't you?

I knew you'd make
a mess of this.

And I got a house
full of guests!

Where?

- Where?
They're hidin'!

Hidin' in my bedroom!

- Well, I'm...
I'm really sorry

and I'll apologize to everybody.

Harry, there's not
a single person in there...

Who... will... forgive you.

They've been bustin' a gut
waiting to yell "surprise."

I feel terrible about this.

Looks like once again
I've gotta save your sorry hide.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- Is there anything I can do?

Yeah, go. Just go.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, everybody!

I really had my rump
in a roastin' pan.

Why didn't you turn up the fire?

- Because...
Now you owe me one.

And I like that in a person.

You're right clever.

I like that in a person.

Besides, watching Harry
squirm is kind of fun.

Ain't it, though?

Surprise!

- Carol didn't show.
- They ain't no surprise.

Maybe not for you, but
I just passed a kidney stone!

Men!

No matter what you expect,
they always let you down.

- Told him you were pregnant?
- You bet I did!

- Not gonna see him again?
- You bet I'm not!

He's not good enough for you!

- Yes, he is.
- He's too good for me.

Daddy, I told him
I was pregnant,

he handled it like
an absolute doll!

He was understanding,
supportive,

he even offered
to be my lamaze coach.

- And... and...
And this is bad?

No, it's good!

But you're not gonna
see him again.

You finally understand.

- No, I don't understand!
- Daddy...

I have been approaching this
whole thing very neurotically.

That I understand!

I was so worried that he
wouldn't wanna go out with me

because I was pregnant.

Then the minute
he said he was okay with it,

I realized it wasn't important
what he thought.

What was important was my baby.

What was important was
this guy smoking at the bar.

How late it was getting.
Was I eating the right foods?

Ha ha ha...

You're starting to discover
that things change

when you become a parent.

Boy, they sure do.

The only relationship
I'm interested in...

Is this one.

Yeah.

Sweetheart,
when you have a child,

it becomes the center
of your world.

So my baby will be
the center of my world.

As I am the center of yours.

Yes, dear.

This is so beautiful.

You're a daddy...

And I'm a mommy.

Yes, dear.

What are you thinking, daddy?

How much I miss my TV.

Gee.

Daddy! Daddy!

Come to papa!