06x04 - Mama Todd, the Sequel

[bunniefuu]

Sophia, these...

These waffles are incredible.

My pleasure, Harry.

Besides, I figure

if I scratch your back,
you'll scratch mine.

- Okay.
What do you want me to do?

What are you, deaf?

Scratch my back.

- Morning, daddy.
Sophia.

- Hey, sweetheart.
How are you feeling?

Wonderful.

I enjoyed the most
peaceful and idyllic slumber.

Now it's time for both of us
to begin the day renewed.

Rise and shine,

my temporary uterine resident.

Weird, she's giving me
morning sickness.

Daddy, I've made
a list of potential godfathers,

but I have to admit
I'm completely flummoxed.

Do what I do.

Stewed prunes
and a bumpy car ride.

What's the problem?

I can't make up my mind.

I've narrowed it down
to the finest men in the family.

Yeah, but the state department

has transferred
uncle Paul to Zurich,

and...
Your second cousin Jim...

I know what you're going to say.

He's busy, he's important...

- He's...
He's dead.

Poor cousin Jim.

Hey, Harry.

Crybaby.

Crybaby's baby.

What's this?

"Godfather."

Geez, I love that flick.

Although it kinda put me off
horse meat for a while.

No, Charley.

Carol was trying to decide
a godfather for her baby.

Then why isn't my name on there?

Charley.

Carol, I'm not joking.

You know, watching
you go through pregnancy

has stirred
certain feelings in me.

And not just
because your Hooters

have increased a cup size.

It's because I've realized

I may never
have a child of my own.

Number one, that's a good thing.

Number two, you're
the most irresponsible,

immoral, immature person I know.

And number three...

They have gotten
bigger, haven't they?

♪ Life goes on

♪ and so do we...

♪ ...one by one

♪ we fill the days

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

♪ rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

So, you see, Joe,

it is possible to administer cpr

to a patient
in the vertical position.

Especially once you've opened
his trachea with your tongue.

Tonight we're
trying the heimlich maneuver.

I'll call you later, love.

I'll be miserable till you do.

Mwah.

Yuck.

- Hush now.
- I'm allowed.

And ain't he cute?

He's cute and a half.

Where'd you find him anyway?

My landlord hired him
to fix my kitchen sink.

I guess you could say
we met down under.

So, are you guys
serious or just having fun?

We are havin' serious fun.

He's just the sweetest thing
I've ever met.

Yeah, he reminds me

of a fellow
I dated in medical school.

Only one thing
I couldn't get past.

- What was that?
- The woman trapped inside him.

- Hi there.
How are you?

Here you go.
Laverne, you got a call.

I don't believe this.
I don't believe this.

My ex-mother-in-law

is comin' to town tomorrow.

Who told you to talk
to this woman anyway?

The phone rang, I answered it.

I'm funny that way.

Nick's mama never liked me.

So what does
she want from me anyway?

Nick's still in Japan.

Maybe she just wants to talk.

Laverne, you know, divorce

affects more people
than just the couple.

No kiddin'.

It helped my lawyer

buy a brand new caprice
complete with towin' package.

So, you think
I should hear mama Todd out?

It might be an opportunity

for the two of you
to achieve closure.

Please, doctor.

In hickory we don't have
no such thing as closure...

Or decent delicatessen
for that matter.

Lordy, I'm starvin'.

- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I thought you and Joe
went to the beach for lunch.

I get it.

You have a filthy mind.

And you have sand in your hair.

Uncle Sidney,
I cannot imagine anyone

I would rather
have as godfather.

No, I'm not
too young to have a baby.

You must be
thinking of my sister Emily.

No, no.
The cop is Barbara.

I'm Carol,

the brainy
yet beautiful redhead.

Hello?

Hey, dreyfuss.

Sourpuss.

Fetus.

Charley, I'm having
a bad day, do you mind?

Well, normally I wouldn't,

but an unhappy mommy,
makes an unhappy baby so...

Behold,
silver cross perambulator.

- My god.
- It's gorgeous.

Nothing's
too good for my godkid.

The guy
in the baby store called it

the Bentley of baby buggies.

And it's poopoo-proof.

Charley, I'm sorry
you spent all this money,

but I couldn't possibly accept
such an extravagant gift.

My god.
This leather's like butter.

- It is butter.
I was having toast.

- No, no.
I will not be bribed

into appointing some boob

to be the spiritual
guardian of my child.

- You're right.
I'm sorry.

I should have considered
your feelings instead of mine.

At least that's
what reverend Prescott

said in his sermon this morning.

You went to church?

Hell yes.

You're looking
at the new responsible me.

This morning
I got up, made my bed,

brushed my teeth
and put on a condom.

And I'm supposed
to be impressed by that?

Well, guess you had to be there.

Open this damn door!

Lord, give me strength.

Hello, mama Todd.

So nice to see you again.

Yeah? Why?

Because I missed you?

Lord, Laverne.

I don't know what you do worse:

Lie or clean house.

Clean house.

Look, mama Todd.

If you could just
try to be somewhat civil,

it'd be a heck of a lot easier

for us to achieve
what they call closure.

All I want to do
is soak my feet in a hot tub.

My corns are killin' me.

Now, where's my Nick?

Nicky boy, I'm here!

You gonna have to yell
a lot louder than that.

Nick's in Japan.

Japan?

He's playin' baseball in Japan?

Well, why aren't you with him?

No.

He didn't
tell you about us, did he?

Tell me what?

Mama, this is gonna
come as a bit of a shock.

- Out with it, girl.
What is it?

Well, you remember what happened

to Shirley and gator mccray?

My god.

You gave each other head lice?

No.

Nick and I are divorced.

You are not.

We are too.

You are not.

Mama, your precious boy
left me for another woman

exactly a year ago.

And I was the last to know?

How could he not tell me?

How could he do this to me?

Mama, you gonna be all right?

I'm fine.

A little old heart att*ck

isn't gonna put me
six feet under.

You are havin' a heart att*ck?

Well, it ain't an orgasm.

So, at the emergency room
last night they said

they couldn't find
anything wrong with mama Todd,

except for maybe her attitude.

Do you think
she'll be okay, doctor?

My guess is
you had an anxiety att*ck.

Your guess?

Yeah, I might as well
have called the psychic hotline.

Mrs. Todd,
your heart is in great shape.

Well, that's surprisin'

since it's been broke
in a million pieces.

And you're the one holdin'
the sledgehammer, Laverne.

I should have
aimed for her head.

Well, I see you two have
a lot of catching up to do.

Excuse me.

Laverne, get your butt
in gear and fetch me my shoes.

All right.

Have you seen my dress?

Yeah, on every
clearance rack at K-Mart.

So, how's your mother-in-law?

She'll be fine.

No thanks to that irresponsible
ex-husband of mine.

Well, it's like
my mother always said:

"If you expect
a man to be responsible,

you just
wind up with a wet butt."

You know, they keep
the toilet seat up.

I have six brothers.

They used to call me splash.

- Okay, Laverne.
I'm ready.

Boy, my corns really hurt.

Hey, you in the white coat.

You know anything about feet?

I know how to amputate 'em.

Quack.

Quacker.

Hi, sexy.

- Joe.
- Joe.

I'd like you
to meet my... friend

velva Todd, who's about to catch

the 4:00 bus
back to hickory.

Pleasure, my dear.

Well, nice to see you're
datin' again, Laverne.

Although
there are those who would say

it's a bit too soon
to be cattin' around.

Anyway, Laverne,

I thought
we might wanna check out

that new French
bistro in the mall.

It's red Rose night tonight.

That's so romantic.

You know,
I just love French food.

We'll have to get you
a croissant for the bus.

Hell, I nearly d*ed last night.

The least you can do
is buy me a dinner.

But of course,
Mrs. Todd,

you're more
than welcome to join us.

Joe, please.

Look, mama,

you know, it'd be
entirely too painful

for you walkin' around
with them corns of yourn.

Hey, you can,
I can carry her to the car.

How are your corns, dear?

Fine, but you banged
my head twice, you big ape.

Sorry, dear.

The first time was an accident.

Laverne...

Maybe on the way home
you should drive,

and I'll sit
in the bed of the truck.

Well, it does get a might
breezy back there.

I knew so many people drove
with their brights on.

Laverne, you're scarin'
the other patrons.

Here, put this on.

So, napkin head,

did you tell him
your husband's a baseball star?

Ex-husband.

He never
made it out of double-a.

He was a drinker.

Not a.A.,

double-a, as in minor league.

Stay with me Joe, will you?

Laverne was crazy about him.

Mama, please.

Every time
they come to visit me,

I'd stick 'em
in the back bedroom

so I didn't have
to hear 'em carryin' on.

Mama Todd, that is quite enough.

Joe, would you
please go to the truck

and fetch my jacket?

Now, mama,

you are ruinin' everything

with the best date
I've had possibly ever.

I hope you are happy.

Delighted.

Now you're free to concentrate
on winning Nick back.

I don't want Nick back.

I thought you understood, mama.

Nick and I are through.

- No, you're not.
- Yes, we are.

No, you're not.

You Todds just don't listen.

I always thought
they called you mules

'cause of ya long skinny faces

and your dubious
highbred origins.

But now I can see it's
cause you just so damn stubborn!

Just like a higby.

They'll do anything
to get out of payin' for dinner.

Okay, Sophia, looks like we got

your blood pressure
under control.

Is there anything else you need?

Yes. Sign this waiver
so I can join

the shady pines basketball team.

You play basketball?

Center.

You're looking
at stretch petrillo.

"Stretch," as in
you're the tallest player?

No. Stretch
as I'm the only one

who can still touch her knee.

Try stewed prunes
and a bumpy car ride.

Miss macafee, are you all right?

- I'm...
I'm fine, really.

I just had a little tiff
with your parking attendant

and I wasn't watching
where I was stepping.

Parking attendant?

We don't have
a parking attendant.

Dear.

You mean, that little man
in the blue beret

who I gave my keys to...

That's ol' funky Jerome.

Don't worry.

He'll just take a nap
in your back seat.

What a relief.

Anyway, Harry,
here are the files

on the pediatric, symposium.

Let me take
a look at that ankle.

Come on, come on.
- This is so embarrassing.

- Come on.
Let's go.

Embarrassing?

Wait till you try
to wake up Jerome.

He sleeps in the raw.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

I feel so silly.

Now, Harry,
just give me a second here,

and I'll try and make it
a little easier for you.

You know, I know
most women wear pantyhose

but I like stockings.

There's just
something about them

that makes me
feel more feminine.

Well...

Let me look somewhere.

We'll look here.
Down here we'll look.

Okay, that's it, okay.

All right.
How does that feel?

Wonderful.

Yes, yes, yes.

There... there's
nothing broken there.

You know, I suspect it's just
kind of a slight sprain

so try putting ice on it
and keep it elevated.

Harry, you're a doll.

I feel so badly.

I just came over here
to drop something off

and I'm wasting
your valuable time.

Wasting my time?

No, no. Just...

Really, it's...
It's... it's my pleasure.

Because as a matter of fact...

As a matter of fact,
maybe... maybe I could...

That is...
You know...

Harry, now
you're wasting my time.

Spit it out.

Can I call you some time?

No.

Well...

Call me any time.

What about your cousin petey?

Now, he'd make a good godfather.

Daddy, please, I will not
have a godfather named petey.

Carol, maybe you should consider

lowering your standards.

Hey, westons.

Here, Carol.

A little something
I made for the tike.

Charley, that's adorable.

It looks just
like the one I got daddy.

You made this?

Well, I made it smaller.

Sorry, Harry, I dropped it
in the wash machine by mistake,

but I did get out
all the Kahlua stains.

Charley,
thank you, but forget it.

You're never
going to be godfather.

Please, please, please.

It is out of the question.

At least put me on the list.

I'll stop borrowing your car.

I won't drink your beer anymore.

Well, I'll stop
borrowing your car.

- Charley.
- Carol, Carol, Carol.

Save yourself a lot of trouble

and just put
Charley on the list.

All right.

I'll put you right
after cousin petey.

This is so cool.

I'm on list to be godpapa.

Hey, wait.
What if I win?

I have to get
a suit for the christening.

And socks, I'll need socks.

God, there's
so much to remember.

So much that could go wrong.

What if
I'm up there with the kid

and I drop him
in the little birdbath thingy?

Charley, settle.

What if you two croak and
I have to raise him by myself?

What kind
of a role model will I be?

How will we eat?

God, the responsibility.

This is a tremendous burden.

The pressure's overwhelming.

I gotta take a leak.

Do you want
to cross him off or shall I?

- I'll do it.
I got it.

Hey, mama.

Well, I see
you're all packed up.

Can I get you
an extra bag or anything?

Look, mama, I think
they's some things

we should settle before you go.

Fine.

Here's
your precious towels back.

Look, mama.

About last night...

Apology accepted.

Now,

the first thing we gotta do

is get you back
together with Nick.

Are you still a-harpin' on that?

You know what I think, mama?

I think you're tryin'
to get your son back through me.

Laverne, I am perfectly happy

in my relationship with Nick.

What relationship?

You clearly haven't
even talked to him in a year.

Well, you don't have
to talk to a person every year

to have a relationship.

Just because it's been one year,

two months and...

Ten days.

I miss my boy somethin' awful.

The only time I got to see Nick

was when you dragged him
down for a visit.

Now, mama,

I'm sure he loves you.

I mean, it's not like
he left you for another mother.

Laverne,

I have always
been so hateful to you,

and you've always
been so nice to me.

Why?

Partly to drive you nuts.

But mostly because I suspected

underneath all that orneriness

was a lonely little lady

just lookin' for some affection.

I love you, Laverne.

Back at you.

Nick doesn't know what he lost.

Well, neither did I!

Ain't that my curlin' iron?

I can't believe I lost.

And that, my man,
is how the game is played.