05x22 - Two for the Road

[bunniefuu]

Laverne, why is it
so cold in here?

Because I turned down
the thermostat.

Well, turn it back up.

No, I'm hot.

Then, take off your sweater.

You'd like that.

I'll see you in court,
senator packwood.

Laverne, please, knock it off.
I'm not feeling well.

I think I'm coming down
with something.

Poor baby.

Come here. Let's take
your temperature.

- Don't...
- Hold still.

If this thing falls
in that empty head of yourn,

we'll never get it out.

You're a regular
minnie Pearl, Laverne.

Thank you, doctor.

Boy. 101.7.

- Damn!
- I hate getting sick.

Well, I'd better go home.

If Patrick or Emily
call from New York,

tell them
they can reach me there.

What are Patrick and Emily
doin' in New York?

Emily's up there
visiting her boyfriend,

and Patrick had a meeting

with some art gallery
or something.

They're driving back together.

Well, don't worry.

I'll get doctor Lomax

to cover
your afternoon appointments.

You go home and lie down.

I'll start picking out coffins.

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

You know, it's not easy
being a woman.

As a dog, you just have
to wag your tail and roll over

and people think you're cute.

Not that I couldn't do
that, too.

Aah...

C-Carol?

Yes, daddy?

Thank god.

I thought the fever
had gone to my brain.

What are you doing?
- I need to pamper myself.

I've had a terrible week.

Patrick and I had a big fight
before he left.

Does that mean
he's not coming back?

No, they've already
started back.

I talked to Emily.

She doesn't sound so great.

Her boyfriend, Jimmy,
dumped her.

Poor baby.
She must feel awful.

Poor Emily.

It's the first time
she's ever been dumped.

Welcome to my world, Princess.

Daddy, are you ill?

It's the flu.
I'm going to bed.

Daddy, I'm sorry, you can't.

I had the painters start today.

They're working upstairs
until Monday.

I'm sleeping in the garage.

Great. I get sick
once every ten years

and when I do,
I can't even go to bed.

Jeez, what else could go wrong?

Don't worry, daddy.

I'll be here for you


That.

Carol, Carol, Carol.

You're like a magic golf ball
that just jumps up on the tee

begging to get whacked.

- Charley.
- Not to worry.

I, Charles dietz,
am a different guy.

No longer am I master
of the cheap sh*t.

No, I've seen the light,
and I've changed.

What do you want, Charley?

Your car and a full t*nk of gas.

I've got a date
with a wild woman

and the trans-am's
in Joe's garage.

Charley, I wouldn't loan
you my car

if the fate of man
depended on it.

What about the fate of a woman

who's got a tattoo on her belly

that says "this side up"?

She sounds lovely.

She's okay.

The key is to drink
enough Tequila

so that the gaps in her teeth
kinda blur together.

You know, that mask
is a big waste of time.

It couldn't make you
any more beautiful

- than you are already.
- Please, Charley.

You don't have a sincere bone
in your body.

Well, one.

Charley,
you cannot borrow my car.

Well, then where's Patrick?
I'll borrow his Van.

Ha, ha.
Emily and Patrick

are driving
back from New York in it.

Patrick and Emily
are together on the road?

Alone?

Beautiful.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

Look, moron.

Patrick and I
are very much in love.

Emily is my own flesh and blood.

They would never betray me.

Where are we?

I think we just left New Jersey.

Yeah, I don't smell anything.

So, do you wanna talk
about this Jimmy thing?

No. No, I don't
wanna talk about it.

He's such a jerk.

When I tell him I have
a problem with his attitude,

do you know what he says?

"Must be that time
of the month, baby?"

You wanna hear unreasonable?

The other night, I'm working
on my Potter's wheel,

Carol comes in,
and she wants to play

that famous scene from ghost.

She wants to be romantic.

I just wanna finish my work.

- So what'd you do?
- Let me put it this way.

I'm still picking Clay
out of my underwear.

Then she accuses me
of not being romantic.

So, to make it up to her,
I get her some flowers, right?

That's not good enough.

No, she says I'm trying
to buy my way out of it.

Boy, sometimes
I just don't get women.

Yeah, well, at least you tried.

Jimmy would have said,
"hey, that's just the way I am."

I mean, men have to be so cool.

Why can't they just be
more like you?

Come on now.

Open the hangar,

here comes the airplane.

Zoom!

Now, wasn't that nummy-nummy,
yummy-yummy?

Carol, do you know
how much I love you?

Well, of course I do, daddy.

And do you know
how much I appreciate

you taking care of me?
- What are you trying to say?

I want you to move out tonight.

We'll send your things.
Move would you?

My poor delirious daddy.

- What's...
- What is... what is that?

That's Patrick's bracelet.

I gave it to him
on our six-week anniversary.

What's it doing here?
He told he'd never take it off.

It looks like the clasp
was broken.

It probably just slipped off.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Now, where was I?

Here comes the airplane.

Zoom...

Carol, your spoon's
about to be h*jacked.

Okay, okay.

You know, it's ironic
that you mention moving out,

because this afternoon
I found out

that I was pregnant
with Patrick's child.

My god.

Got you, daddy.

- Whoa, whoa.
- What?

Riding a little close
to the shoulder, aren't you?

Relax.

How fast are you going?

I don't know.
The speedometer's broken.

Slow down.
It feels like you're doing 80.


No, I don't think so.

Great.

We're in the middle
of some podunk town.

They'll probably
throw us in jail

until the circuit judge rides in

from the Oklahoma territory.

Yes, officer?

Do you know
how fast you were going?

No, I think
the speedometer's broken.

- I clocked you at 80.
- Ha!

And you were riding
a little close to the shoulder.

Ha!

Is there something funny, son?

- No, officer.
- I...

I have a very rare form
of tourette's syndrome...

Where I... I just shout "ha"
uncontrollably.

Ha.
There it goes again.

Is your husband
making fun of me?

Please.
He's not my husband.

He's my sister's boyfriend.

She's nuts, too.

- So you're not married?
- No. No, no, no.

There's no one in my life,
officer.

Guess I just haven't found
that special someone.

Yet.

- No?
- No.

Jeez.

Ha. Sorry.

I see you're an organ donor.

That's right.

Can't believe
those beautiful eyes

are gonna end up in the sockets

of some lucky blind person.

- You're so sweet.
- Well.

Okay. I'm gonna let you go
with a warning this time.

Just try to keep the speed down.

That's really nice of you.

Happy motoring, ma'am.

Bye.

- That is sick.
- What?

You purposely manipulated him
into not giving you a ticket.

Boy, women have got it made.

No wonder your insurance rates
are lower.

Women's insurance rates
are lower

- because we're better drivers.
- Yeah?

Then how come every time
you see a couple in a car

it's always
the man who's driving?

Because men
are such control freaks.

Men are better drivers.

- Please.
- You're a cliche.

You're no different...
- Come on, don't tell me...

Is everything okay here, ma'am?

Nothing I can't control.

Ha!

- How's daddy?
- He's fine.

- Any calls?
- No, just Patrick.

You got any of that ham left?

Patrick called?

How the hell do you hide
an entire ham?

Never mind that.
What did Patrick say?

He just wanted to make sure
you knew he called.

That's odd.
He knows I go to therapy

every Tuesday, Thursday
and Saturday at this time.

Well maybe that's why he called.

Hello, porky.

Who's gonna lick
the jelly off your belly?

Did he say anything else?

No. He and Emily
are fine.

Nothing else?

Not a word.

Nice dump you picked out, Emily.

Why are you always complaining?

Well, that sign
in the lobby kind of threw me.

"No bestiality allowed."

"After midnight."

Look, let's just
make the best of it, okay?

We may as well. You threw off
our whole schedule.

It's gonna take them
five hours to fix the Van.

And by the way, you owe me $4
for your half of the room.

So it's my fault the rut broke?

It's not a rut, it's a strut.

- That's my bed.
- Why?

'Cause I didn't break the strut.

- Fine.
- Fine.

You know, I'm sick of you!

I'm just gonna go take a shower.

Well, don't use
all the hot water.

I think it's a la carte.

Patrick? There's
a big cockroach in here.

I suppose you want me
to come in there

and k*ll it for you.

No, I thought maybe
you could take it for a drive,

and, after half an hour
of listening to you,

it'll k*ll itself.

I'm f... I'm fine.

Carol.
What's the matter?

Nothing.

You're not still worried
about Patrick, are you?

Why would he call
when he knew I wouldn't be here?

I bet he's still mad at me.

I know, he didn't wanna talk,

but he wanted to let me know
that he's okay.

Hello? Hi.
Emily, I'm so glad you called.

I need to talk to Patrick.

What do you mean "I can't"?

In the shower?
Where are you guys?

In a motel room in Maryland?

Could you hold on one sec?
Here, talk to daddy.

Hi, baby, how are you?

Carol, Carol.

Yes, daddy?

It's 2:00
in the morning.

Thank you, daddy.

Honey, I think you got
that fingerprint off.

You're right, daddy.

My goodness.

Look how dirty this picture
of Emily is.

Why do I have the feeling

you're trying to rub out
your sister's face?

Because it's dirty, daddy.

Dirty, dirty, dirty.

Carol, Carol, Carol.

Come here, dear, come here.
Come, come.

Come on, come on. Yes.
Come... come... come...

Come, get up...

Now, you are still worried

about Patrick and Emily,
aren't you?

Of course not, daddy.

Please, give me a little credit.

Well, I'm sorry, it's just
that your behavior

seems a little compulsive.

And what, pray tell,

makes you think
my behavior is compulsive?

If you're tired, I can drive.

That's open to debate.

It'd be safer if I drove.

I'd feel safer driving through
Harlem with Marge schott.

Why don't you put on some music?

I think Carol left some tapes
on the glove compartment.

- Now repeat after me...
- "I love me."

I am the best me that I can be.

God, it's one of Carol's
stupid affirmation tapes.

Every day, in every way,

I'm getting better and better.

No offense,

but your girlfriend
is a big nut.

I am not a big nut.

My fears were not unfounded.

I found the smoking g*n.

What are you talking about?

I found this in the orange
crate next to Patrick's bed.

It's a picture
of Patrick and Emily.

Honey, you took this picture.

But why is he keeping it?

It all adds up now.

The lost
or left-behind bracelet,

the phone call
when I conveniently wasn't here,

the motel in Maryland...

Sex capital
of the United States.

Maryland is the sex capital
of the United States?

Don't you see?
The entire trip was a ruse.

That imaginary boyfriend
dumping Emily.

Nobody ever dumps Emily.

Carol, please.
This is...

Even as we speak,
they're probably coupling

in that Van
in which I used to couple.

Ay, Carol,
I don't wanna hear this.

Now I'll be an aunt

to the child that was
supposed to be mine.

My daughter, my niece,
my daughter, my niece...

Carol, Carol!

Stop it.

Patrick is not
sleeping with Emily.

I can't take any more of this.

I understand.

I drive everyone away.

Honey, why do you always
do this to yourself?

Do what?

Let your imagination
t*rture you and drive you crazy.

I remember when your mother
went into labor with Barbara,

you were hysterical
'cause you were convinced

that when Barbara came out,

we were going to put you
back in.

So what's your point?

Honey, you've always had
this wonderful, creative mind.

It's your gift.

But sometimes
you let that imagination

get the best of you, like now.

Patrick loves you.

And only you.

Daddy.

I feel so foolish.

Gifted, but foolish.

I love you so much.

You are the best daddy
in the whole world.

Okay, baby.

You feel better?
- A thousand times better.

In fact,

I love me.

I am the best me I can be.

Every day, in every way,

I'm getting better and better...

Well, I can't take
much more of you, either.

Can't you go any faster?

With pleasure.

"Miami, 37 miles."
Almost home.

Thank god.

Great. Any other
brilliant suggestions?

Yeah. Stop.

Evening, officer

Speed limit's 65, boy.

How fast was I going?



What's the hurry?
- No hurry, officer.

So you're speeding
through my neck of the woods

just for the hell of it?
- No, I didn't realize

if I want any crap out of you,
I'll squeeze your head.

Right.
Squeeze my head. Right.

Who's that, your girlfriend?

His girlfriend's sister.

So you two aren't together?

Golly, no, officer.

No, as a matter of fact,
Emily is still searching

for that someone special.
Isn't that right, Emily?

No, I'm not.

You know? I get down
in Miami now and then.

How'd you like it
if I took you out

for a 16-ounce steak?

- She'd love it.
- No, I wouldn't.

She's very shy.

Emily, be nice.

Patrick.

Are you asking me to use
my feminine wiles

to influence this officer?

Fine with me.

I don't date cops.

Hey, I don't suppose
you could just let me off

with a stern warning?

I don't know.

Do you date cops?

It's so funny, daddy.

I can't believe
how ridiculous I've been acting.

Neither can I, dear.

I guess that's the price
you pay for being...

How did you put it?

Gifted, creative, adorable.

You're embellishing a little,
but that's the idea.

There goes
that darn imagination again.

Emily.
You forgot your scarf.

Thanks.

Hey, listen,
before we go inside...

It's been a really long trip,

and I'm sorry
if I acted like a jerk.

You're not the only one.

Look, we've always
gotten along great.

These past two days have just
been an aberration, okay?

Let's just forget about it.

- So we're friends?
- Friends.

I'm officer Bob.

Is Emily here?

No.

Is Patrick here?

No.

Would you like to go have
a 16-ounce steak?

Sure.