05x18 - More to Love

[bunniefuu]

- Of course I heard that.
- That's old news.

Loretta's had so many facelifts
she can wink 'er lip.

Well, you can't tell
if she's cryin' or droolin'.

Hey, d'you hear
about Dr. Quiggly?

He is having an affair

with the fourth-floor
receptionist.

I think it's over though.

I hear he's seein' his wife
on the side.

What?

Laverne,
when you finish gossiping,

I need the file
on the Atkinson boy.

- Well, he needs a booster.
- Fine. Thank you.

If that's Dr. Bentley...

No, it ain't.
He's up in maternity

gettin' a sponge bath
from nurse Willow.

Doctor's office?

Hi, Florence.
What've you got for me?

No.

In a tree?

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

Good morning.

Nobody.

All right.

Six years without stepping
foot inside a supermarket,

and my streak continues.

Cream cheese to spread on Betty.

Humus for Helena.

Hello, salsa. I'll meet you
in a place I call

rosalita junction.

Hey, Charley, what's in the bag?

Carol...

Hey, that looks
like a fascinating book.

This is
just my high school yearbook.

My 15th reunion's this Saturday.

How really, really interesting.

I can't believe
Patrick's away for this.

I mean, all those people
who thought I was a loser,

for once I have
this really terrific boyfriend,

and I can't bring him along
to show him off.

He dumped you already?

He's visiting his aunt
in Georgia.

Let me guess, she's sick.

- Yes, very.
- Pfft.

I know this one. She dies.
He goes to the funeral.

He meets a lot of cute mourners.

He's very sympathetic.

"Lean on me. Lean on me.
Lean on me."

Next thing you know,

he's in the back of the hearse
drawing the drapes.

Oldest one in the book.

I know what you're doing,
Charley.

You're trying to make me crazy.

I'm way too late for that.

- That was fun.
- Yeah.

Big time.

Jogging is great
when you're my size.

You get to use the carpool Lane.

Hi, Danny.
Charley, meet Danny.

Danny and I
went to school together.

We were lab partners
in biology class.

Carol was always there for you.

She was the smartest,
the funniest, the classiest...

- God, I've missed you.
- Danny, you look thirsty.

Would you like
something to drink?

Thanks, but I gotta run.
Don't forget about Saturday.

I wouldn't miss it
for the world.

Okay. Better get going.

I gotta stop by traffic court.

I got a ticket for Jay-waddling.

- So how was your little run?
- It was great.

Four laps around Danny
is a mile.

- Emily!
- What?

It was one of Danny's jokes.
I thought it was funny.

Well, I suppose.

If you're a fan
of that kind of humor.

So, you're going
to this reunion too?

Yeah, Danny asked me.

Whoa, ho ho ho.
Slam on the brakes.

You're gonna go out
in public with that guy?

Yeah, have you got
a problem with that?

Emily. Em-i-ly...

Let me explain something to you.

Your image
is hot-cute-Weston-babe.

Now you go out
with the michelin man

and what happens to that image?

Blowout.

Charley, that is very insulting.

Hey.

I know I'm ladling some...

Pretty heavy soup here, but...

I think it's worth the taste.

Image is everything.
Take me.

Now, I go to one of my elegant
meeting places like

pump master Willy's.

Every move I make
is designed to build up my image

as the pope of love.

The pope of love?

Well, pope of love the second.

The first pope choked to death
on a plastic bead at club med.

Charley, I'm not listening
anymore of this.

Guess the soup
was too heavy for her.

Hello, big idea.

Peperoni pasties.

Just one more thing, edna.

Did you hear about Marlene
and Dr. Gallai

down in radiology?

Why, he wants to break it off
and she's threatenin' to send

his wife x-rays
of the whole smutty mess.

What?

Laverne, do you realize every
time you have a free moment

you're on that phone gossiping
about somebody in this hospital?

Ever occurred to you
that it's not right

that you... you're bending
the truth?

Now, you just stop
right there, doctor,

I do not bend the truth.

My info is checked and rechecked

through a careful
fact-checking process.

Florence and luanne
in maternity.

Now what I do
is just harmless chit-chat

that helps break up the day.

And how 'bout being useful
for once and helpin' me

change a light bulb
in the supply closet?

Fine. All right.
Come on. Let's get in here.

I-I-I can't... I can't reach that.
I have to go to get a ladder.

Well, now don't bother.
I'll just get on this box

and you just hold me steady,
but be careful.

Doctor.

Hoo hoo, doctor!

Come on, Laverne.
Stop squirming.

I can't get a hold of you.

Stop. Stop that now.
You wanted to do it?

Let's do it.

My goodness.

Wait until luanne
hears about this.

Okay, here's the scoop.
Everyone's coming.

Absolutely everyone.

- What are you talking about?
- My high school reunion.

It's going to be mobbed.
Do you know who's coming?

Didi porchnick
is going to be there.

This family goes through
a lot of groceries.

Especially the spreads.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Tucker Wilson?

Yeah, yeah,
it's been a long time.

Mount holyoke, then to Europe,

then to the rest of the world,
then back to Florida.

Yeah, yeah, she's still living
at the house.

Yeah, I know, I know.

It is, isn't it?

Yeah, I'd love to see you!

Tucker, wait. You're
just in town for this weekend?

Wish you'd called me earlier.

I already have a date
for tomorrow night.

Will you call me
next time you're in town?

Okay.

Bye.

Tucker Wilson?

You turned down Tucker Wilson?

You were crazy about him.

- I know, Carol.
- My god, he's gorgeous.

I mean, if Kevin costner
had a child

with Tom Cruise...

They'd be in the enquirer.

You know, I have
to hand it to you, Emily.

You have character.

I mean, you turned down
Tucker Wilson,

Mr. Everything
for an ordinary guy.

Well, it's just not right
to break a date.

I am so impressed
with your integrity,

and might I say your mettle.

- Carol, let's just drop it.
- I mean, you could've gone out

with Tucker Wilson.

- I know.
- Yet you chose a perfectly nice

but somewhat rotund accountant.
- Carol, give it a rest!

It's enough!

What did I say?

Emily? Emily?

Hello?

Nobody.

All right.

Like taking candy from a baby.

Wait a minute.
It's too easy.

It's a trap.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa.

Hey, Perry, what's up?

Hey, hey, hey,
baboom, baboom. Baboom!

What? Ha!
What's so funny?

Perry, what the hell-
what the hell are you doing?

Well,

Boom.

Hey, hey, hey, hey?

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Would you quit making noises
and say something?

Hubba, hubba, hubba, hubba.

Woof, woof, i-i-i, shh, shh.

Baboom!

Emily, I've found it.

This would be perfect for you.

What are you talking about?

It's one of your bridesmaids'
dress from your wedding.

Yeah, I was finally able
to get my husband's fingerprints

off of it.

Carol, I don't think
I can go through with this date.

Why not?

I'm not the wonderful person
you think I am.

I have a problem
with Danny being so fat.

Okay? There. I said it.
It's out.

God, I hate myself
for thinking this way.

Emily, how can you do this
to me?

I just wasted
my entire therapy session

telling Sandy
what a together person you are.

Why did this have to happen?
Why did I even say I'd go

in the first place?

Emily, you're an adult.
You've made a commitment.

Yeah, I suppose
if I broke the date,

that'd be a really shallow
and jerky thing to do?

That's not for me to judge.

All I can tell you is you're
entitled to your feelings.

Even if they are
shallow and jerky.

Look, I know it's bad luck
to see your date

before the date,
but I was going for a jog

and I thought I'd see
if you wanted to join me.

Well, I'm not really dressed for

well, then you get dressed.
I'll get started,

and by the time you
put on your sweats, grab a towel

and lace up your running shoes,

I just might be reaching
the end of your driveway.

Look, maybe some other time.

Okay.
I'll see you tonight.

I guess you're really looking
forward to it?

Who knows? You never can tell
with reunions.

Sometimes
you end up seeing people

you really don't wanna see.

Well, hey, look,
if you don't wanna go,

that's okay with me.
- Hey, hey, hey, we have a date.

I don't break dates.
- That's very...

Not shallow and jerky of you.

You have an odd way
of phrasing things, Emily.

I'll pick you up at 7:00.
- Yeah, sure.

- You okay?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

- Laverne.
- Hey, Theresa.

I just had to stop by
and see you.

Why have you been keeping it
from me?

- What?
- ♪ you know

♪ no, I don't

about you and the doctor
having an affair

♪ in the supply closet

♪ my god

where in the hell
did you hear that?

It is all over the hospital.

Well, it is absolutely,
positively, completely,

totally and wholly untrue.
- Well, it can't be.

It's been through
the fact-checking process

with Florence and luanne
in maternity.

Hey, hey, they told me
I could run with it.

Why, you keep on a-runnin'

and don't stop till you reach
the scrub closet

and wash your mouth out
with soap. Now get!

Laverne, you're
white as a ghost?

I just-i-i just found out
they is some

horrible gossip
goin' around about me.

Well, I hate to say it,
but what goes around,

comes around.

So what is this horrible
piece of gossip?

You and I are havin' an affair.

We're doin' it
in the supply closet.

I'm telling you, Jennifer,
I really do have a boyfriend.

That's what you said
all through high school.

Look, not only
is he holding my hand,

he's holding a newspaper
with Sunday's date on it.

That still doesn't prove
he's your boyfriend.

Why would I go to the trouble

of carrying this photo around
if it wasn't real?

That's what you did
all through high school.

- Look, a full moon.
- Yeah.

It really is beautiful up here.

- What took you so long?
- It's my fault we were late.

I spent an hour
looking for my dress shoes

until I realized
I was wearing them. Hello.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

have to get something to eat.

Actually, I'm good through July,

but, I am guessing
there's cheese in those tacos.

Excuse me.

You know, Carol,
I know that I said

that I couldn't go
through with this date,

but I'm actually having
a good time.

It sure looks like it.

He was so sweet
when he picked me up.

He brought me flowers and he
remembered my favorite song,

and played it
on the way over in his car.

I mean, it's
like an old-fashioned date.

- It sounds wonderful.
- Yeah.

No. Here comes
Eddie Martin.

The meanest, nastiest jerk
in high school.

I vowed if I ever saw him again,

I wouldn't give him
the time of day.

Carol Weston? Ha.
You look gorgeous.



Boy, you sure are a good dancer.

Not really.

Actually, I'm just trying to...

Work the briefs out of my butt.

I really do mean it.
You are a good dancer.

Yeah, right.

I won a prize once
for best couple...

And I was by myself.

Danny, why do you always
put yourself down?

It's easier
than lifting myself up.

Come on.
Let's just dance.

Sure.
Look, everybody.

I'm a one-man conga line.

I do have a boyfriend!

I don't care if I was voted

"most likely to drive men
into the priesthood."

You were voted "most likely
to have electrolysis"

and, obviously, you didn't!

That felt good.

Hey, Eddie, you remember Danny.

Hey, pal, do me a favor.
Lift that end of the table,

I'll just stand here
and unhinge my jaw.

Come on, Danny.
That's enough jokes, okay?

- Sure.
- Is that your date?

He's actually
very sweet. I

hey, if that gravy bowl
gets stuck in my throat,

I hope you know the heimlich.

- Will you cut it out, Danny?
- Look, how thoughtful...

An after-dinner mint.

- Take me home.
- What?

I wanna go home. Now!

- Guess I'll be going.
- Fine.

Before I go, could you just
tell me what happened?

I thought we were having
a great time.

"I'm a one-man conga line.

"Hey, I'll just
pick up the table.

I'll unhinge my jaw!
Hello."

That's it?
The fat jokes?

The fat jokes,
the putdowns, yes.

Emily, I always do
those kinds of jokes.

How come they
never bothered you before?

- I don't know.
- Well, I think I do.

You were embarrassed
to be on a date with a fat guy.

- That's not true.
- It is true.

You think
I haven't seen this before?

You were ashamed
to be seen with me.

Look, I'll admit
that I had second thoughts

about going to the party
with you, yes.

But by the time
we'd gotten there,

I'd forgotten all about that.

I was happy just being with you.

Until you started making a jerk
out of yourself.

Emily, I learned a long time ago

that if you're fat and funny,
people like having you around.

You're a great guy,
but if you're not funny,

then all you are is fat.

Danny, you are a great guy.

You don't have to prove it
with fat jokes.

Hold it.
You're saying

you'd actually
go out with a guy like me?

Yes. I did.
And I would.

- Starting now?
- Why not?

Okay...
How'd you like to go

and get a cup of coffee
at Sally's diner?

- I'd love to.
- Great.

They have
this special deal with me.

All I can eat: $600.

And...

Start again.

How'd you like to go to Sally's?

- I'd love to.
- Great.

I don't think
it was such a good idea

us havin' lunch together
what with this rumor

about us havin' an affair
goin' around.

I feel like there's
an entire room full of people

tryin' to picture us
doing it together.

Laverne, I think
your imagination

is working overtime.

Let's... let's... let's
just ignore them

and just have lunch, okay?

Lordy. Quick.
Put that jell-o back.

- Why?
- 'Cause I have a jell-o.

If we're both havin' jell-o,
it'd look like we've been

wigglin' around
in the warm sun a-so much,

we're startin' to eat
the same food.

Laverne, now I think
you're getting paranoid.

- Well...
- Hey, hey.

Hey.

I'll have bread pudding.
I think I'll have bread pudding.

Okay. Here's the plan.

We make a break
for separate tables

and we don't make eye contact
at all, understand?

Now, when I give the signal,
he hightail it.

Crackers and cheese.

No, I don't want any.
Thanks.

No, that's the signal.

"Crackers and cheese"
is the signal?

It's a dumb signal.

Just go.
We'll hone the signal later.

No, no, no, no, look.

We are just gonna sit down
and eat lunch

like two normal people...

So to speak.

Bread and butter.

Please.

Sit.

Laverne, sit.

Thank you.

Now just... just... let's
just forget about everybody.

Okay. Fine.
But try not to look

like you're happy to be with me.

I'll make an effort.

What?

We're eatin' our veggies
at the same time.

Crackers and cheese.
- No! That's it.

No, no, there's no more
"crackers and cheese."

This is the only empty table.

Doctor...

Your hand is touching my arm.

- Maybe I should take it off.
- No, don't do that.

I mean, what,
then I should leave it there?

No, don't do that either.

I know. Pretend that big vein
in your forehead

finally popped and while you're
clutchin' your head

and screamin' in pain,
I'll make a run for it.

I'll rent me a boat and paddle
them 80 miles to Cuba.

Well, crackers and cheese
to you,

and if we ever meet again,
I'm consuela.

No. That's it.
That's it. I've had enough.

Gonna put a stop
to this right now.

Everybody, excuse me.
May I have your attention?

- No, doctor. I started this.
- No, i... listen,

I think you all should know...
- I'll finish it.

Just sit down, doctor.
Now, listen up, everybody.

It's obvious who wears
the pants in that relationship.

I have a confession to make.

It's not what you're thinkin',

so you can just swab
them nasty little thoughts

right out of your heads.

Now, what went on
behind that storeroom door

was simply Dr. Weston
a-helpin' me change a light bulb.

But you couldn't wait to turn it

into a smarmy little story,
besmirchin' my reputation

and the reputation of the
finest pediatrician in Miami.

He's the horniest
pediatrician in Miami.

I heard that!

Well, I have too much respect
for this man

to let it go on a minute longer.

You see, doin' the gossip
is one thing,

bein' the victim of it
is another.

I'm ashamed I's ever a part
of it, and you should be too.

Well done, Laverne.

Now.

I think the good doctor
and I've had enough

of yo'uns this company
for one afternoon.

I'm sorry, doctor.

I'm sorry, Laverne.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Well, I'm glad
we finally put that to rest.

Nooner, nooner,
they're gonna have a matinee.

- I'm glad you're here.
- Hey. Hey.

Listen, I wanna straighten
something out.

Now... now you know there was
never any truth to that gossip.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- All right. Come on, Perry.

Come on, come on. I'll show you
exactly what happened.

- What?
- We went into the closet,

and... and... just to... to change
a light bulb.

The door was ajar.
Now, come on now.

Laverne was standing
on top of this box here.

- Ho, ho, ho, yeah.
- Now, you know,

she's very ticklish.

So I said... I said,

"stop squirming I can't get
a hold of you."

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I said "come on. That's
enough. Stop fooling around."

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Come on!

My god.