05x17 - Dog Day Afternoon

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Charley.
I thought you were on a cruise.

Canceled.
Ship's in the shop.

Isn't that called
dry dock, Charley?

Aren't we miss seven seas?

So what happened?

I spilled a banana daiquiri

on the navigation console

and it kinda shorted out
and started a fire.

I don't know
what they were so mad about,

it would've went out eventually.

We're surrounded by water.

You must be in trouble.
So what'd they do?

Throw you in the brig?
- No, they locked me

in the ship's jail.

Then when they got back
to the place

where they park the boat...
- Yeah.

They told me that I was
suspended for three weeks

with pay.
- With pay?

Union thing.
Don't ask questions.

Where is my purse?
This is not a good start.

I'm late for my therapy session,

and I had this terrible
nightmare I have to discuss.

There it is.

What kind of dream got you
so upset?

It was awful.

I dreamt about marshmallows.

Scary.

Imbecile, you don't understand.

I dreamt that I was back
in girl scouts

roasting marshmallows,
when suddenly the marshmallows

began to mock me.

"You're a loser.
You're a loser."

And then they melted away
into nothingness

thumbing their gooey noses
at me.

Clearly, it represents
my relationship with Patrick.

We had a horrible fight.
I think I'm losing him.

Hence, the dream.
Where are my keys?

There they are.

Dreyfuss, you are always
in the way, stupid dog.

Move!

Dreyfie, did she hurt
your feelings, honey?

I'm sorry.

She hurt my feelings too.

♪ I'm always here...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

- Good morning.
- Why, doctor,

not only are you on time,
you're early.

Get out.

Laverne, you know what today is?

- Thursday.
- Nope.

- It is too.
- Yeah, yeah,

it's Thursday, but...
What else is it?

Wear your pants backwards
to the office day?

Wrong again.

What do you mean "wrong again"?

I's right about Thursday.

I swear, man struts in early,

starts twistin' my mind
around with silly riddles.

Get out.

Laverne, why do you keep
telling me to get out?

Because today is the end
of your fiscal year,

the day you have always
given me a bonus.

And your show of gratitude,
though always appreciated,

embarrasses me.

- You knew.
- Well, of course I knew.

Well, anyway, Laverne,
today is...

Bonus day.

My lord,
is it that time already?

Please.
Now, I decided to do

something a little different
this year.

I'm giving you this
instead of cash.

"This entitles you to a small
percentage of ownership

in the dade county galleria."

Ownership?

I own the galleria?
The galleria is mine?

Well, you know, not exactly.

You see, I'm a limited partner,

which means
I own a small percentage.

And I just gave you
a small percentage

of my percentage...
Understand?

I own it now.

Well, you own
your small share, yeah.

Then this makes
you and me partners.

Yeah, in a manner of speaking.

So tell me, partner.

Where do I park?

Did I mention,
"small percentage"?

- Yes, you did.
- Did I mention,

you could sell it back to me,

if you'd rather have the cash?

Sell it back?

Hell, I've always dreamed
of ownin' acreage.

Sittin' on a back porch
of my own home

with a shotgun saying,
"get off my land.

"Get off my land
before I splatter your guts

all over my cow."

And you've made
that dream come true.

And a... and a beautiful dream
it is.

Hey, dreyf.
I'm home.

Dreyfuss, what's going on?

Dreyf?

Dreyfuss, what's the matter?

What is wrong with dreyfuss?
- What do you mean?

Well, he keeps running away
from me.

I-I think he must be sick
or something.

Watch. Come here, dreyf.

Come here, dreyf.
Come on.

Something I said?

It was something I said.

I bet he's upset
because I yelled at him

this morning.

Dreyfie,

you're not mad at me, are you?

Hello?

Hi, Laverne.

How... how nice.
But why are you telling me

you're on the first floor
of the galleria?

Well, now... now that I know
it's safe and secure,

I'm going to bed.

Yeah, yeah.

Laverne, please,
stop calling me "partner."

Hey, Harry, want a sandwich?

No, Charley, I just ate.

All right!

What are we watching?
- It's nova.

Hate it.

Really? It's on
for six hours tonight.

What the hell.

Looks like we're in
for a long evening.

Yes, I am.

What's that?

That's a... it's a dolphin.

Charley, you work on a ship.

They don't let me up
on deck, Harry.

Aren't you gonna get that?
- No. Might be Laverne.

And you don't want
our evening interrupted.

Are you out?

- I'm asleep.
- Gotcha.

Hello. No, it's Charley,
Laverne.

Hold on. Laverne.

- I just told you...
- Harry, I don't do phone lies.

No challenge.

Yes, Laverne?

Second floor safe and secure.

That's true, yeah, the...
The galleria has many floors.

Get off them.
Good night.

Harry.

When they ship styrofoam,

where do they pack it in?

Look, Charley, if you're bored,

why don't you read a book?

I don't get it, what's the gag?

- Just read a book.
- A book?

Harry, I haven't read a book

since...

Well, I never read a book.

All right, Charley, come on.
Come with me. Come on.

Come over here.
You're gonna read a book.

There... there you go.
There's a whole wall of books.

Just pick one.

I don't have to look
any further. "Looove" story.

Go. Read it.
You'll love it.

I won't just love it, Harry.

I'm gonna looove it.

Finally alone, at last.

Good. The machine got it.

Harry, Laverne.

Hey, something smells good.

Yeh-ta-ta-ta-ta!

Those aren't for you.
They're for dreyfuss.

You're making cookies for a dog?

They're doggie biscuits.
And yes.

I feel terrible
about having yelled at dreyfuss.

And this is just my way
of making it up to him.

Carol, dreyfuss
will get over it.

Look, he'll just come to you
when he's ready.

Emily, dear, I think
I know dreyfuss

a little better than you do.

Fine.

He's going to love this.

Okay, dreyfie.

Dreyf, it's mommy Carol.

All right, dreyf, it's Emily.

Good boy.
See what I have for you?

Dreyf.

Howdy, I'm Laverne Todd,
and this is Dr. Weston.

And this is ours
as far as the eye can see.

But you're welcome
to stay a while.

Howdy, I'm Laverne Todd,
and this is Dr. Weston.

This is our land.

Who cares?

Laverne, listen to me.

Pay attention to me, please.

This is not your land.

If you divide your share

in the amount of land
that's here,

do you know how much space
is yours?

- How much?
- My right foot

is covering your land.

Won't you get yourself
a decent pair of shoes?

Now come on, this here's
the last store left to check on.

Laverne, nobody needs you
to check on them here.

Nobody cares. Nobody know...

They don't even know
who you are.

Afternoon, miss Todd.

Nice job the way you stiff-armed
that high school kid

going the wrong way
up the escalator.

Attention, maintenance.

Please report immediately
to second floor.

Wishing well backed up
and water on the floor.

- That's us, doctor.
- What? Whoa!

Why us? They called
for maintenance. I'm not going.

What about the food court?

Do you wanna be remembered
as the owner

who let the wishin' well flood
the hot dog on a stick stand?

No, no. I mean,
of course not. But



It's time for you to stand
by your land.

What a woman.

I'll sell it to you for $300.

Hey, Charley, what you reading?

This great book.

I was up with it all night.
I couldn't put it down.

I'm just about to start
chapter eleven.

That's chapter two, Charley.

See, um,
those are Roman numerals.

Like chapter three
will be three I's.

Don't spoil it for me.

I cannot believe
that you are reading

love story.

I'm not. I'm reading
"looove" story.

I really gotta thank Harry
for turning me on

to this reading thing.
It's amazing.

What a great idea.

It's like a book on tape
without the sound.

You know, Charley, in your case,

a mind is an absolutely
okay thing to waste.

Love story. Gosh, I remember
the first time I read this.

I was in junior high.
I cried for three days straight.

Of course, I was just a kid
back then.

This is my favorite part.
When Oliver goes to her and...

This is so beautiful.

Hello?

No, Patrick, it's not Carol.

I don't know
what I'm gonna do, doctor.

This relationship
means so much to me.

I mean, I-I know
I can be difficult,

and I'm sure
he has side too, but...

Carol, as you know,
asking for help

is the first step.

Doctor, I'm sure
that when you meet him

you'll see that dreyfuss

is a classic,
passive-aggressive personality,

mostly passive.

Well, Carol, you have done
exactly the right thing

coming to see
an animal therapist.

I'll tell you what,

I can fit you in...

Tomorrow.

Let's see,


the bulimic pony.


fascinating case.

"Who put something
in my cr*cker?

Who put something
in my cr*cker?"

Okay.

- So how's 3:30 for dreyfuss?
- It's fine.

You know, dreyfuss,
that's very interesting.

Who named him?
- I did.

You know names
can have important

psychological implications.

Are you aware
that the dreyfuss affair

was a famous historical
court martial?

Yes, I did know that.

Carol, is it possible

that when dreyfuss was a pup

you perceived him as a burden...

A "trial," if you will?

Do you take people?

I am tellin' you, lurlene,
next time I come to hickory,

I might just be wearin' me
a top hat

and smokin' a smelly ol' stogie.

Right. Just like that guy
on the community chest cards

in monopoly.

Yeah, I gotta go. Bye.

Okay, Laverne,
that's it for the day?

That's it for the day, partner.

I'll be headed out
to the galleria

to check on our investment.

Has it occurred to you
that you're obsessed

with this galleria thing?
- No.

Would you let me buy back
your piece of the galleria?

What about my dream?

Sittin' on that back porch
with my shotgun?

Laverne, the galleria
doesn't have a back porch,

and... and... and shotguns
aren't allowed.

We can build a back porch
and we can strike down

these shotgun laws
if we all just pull together.

Laverne, i... I had
hoped that this would be

a good chance for you to learn

a little bit about investments,

but along the way,
something went...

Terribly, terribly wrong.

So why don't you
just sell it back to me?

You mean I give you back

that little piece of paper
and you give me $500?

Yes.

What does that have to do
with investment?

I thought you make money
with investments.

Okay, I'll give you $600.

Said the spider to the fly.

$800.

- $700.
- $750.

Done.

I'll bring
the check in tomorrow.

I must... well, 50% profit
in 24 hours.

I'd say you made out
pretty well, Laverne.

I plan on givin' my profit
to charity.

Well, that's... that's
very noble of you.

And I... I admire that.

Bye.

United cause?

I'd like to make
a donation of $250.

Well, you're welcome.

Now, I'll be down tomorrow
to check on your operation.

Where's my parking place?

Hey, Charley,
how do you like the book?

Well, we hit a valley here.

All of a sudden, this babe's
a little sick or something.

But this Oliver's a classy guy.

She's lying in bed half dead

and he doesn't put
a move on her.

Don't tell me.

Turns out he's gay.

- Come in, Dr. Simmons.
- I'm sorry I'm late.

My session with the bulimic pony

went a little longer
than expected.

I still can't figure out

how he gets his hoof
down his throat.

B... before we begin,

I think I should tell you
something about dreyfuss.

He's very good-looking
and he knows it.

So don't be taken in
by his charm.

Carol, I'm a professional.

I have dealt
with thousands of dogs.

I evaluate them all
very objectively...

My... god.

He's beautiful.

Come here, dreyfie-wifie.

Oho-ho-ho-ho.
Did the mean lady yell at you?

- Dr. Simmons.
- Okay.

I would like to observe
your interaction.

Carol,
why don't you call dreyfuss?

Dreyfuss, come here.

You know, I think his behavior
is a little extreme

for one scolding.

Is it possible...

I know where you're heading,

that there's a subtle pattern
of emotional neglect.

- Yes, very often...
- And do I know

emotional neglect?

Do you know that once
when I was seven,

my father left for work
without saying good-bye?

Do you know
how that made me feel?

No.

I know how that would make
a pekinese feel?

Well, let me tell you
how traumatic that was.

It was really awful.

Which brings me
to my relationship with Patrick.

Please tell me he's a cat.

No. No, he's my boyfriend.

Well, let's get back
to dreyfuss.

Yeah, I'm getting there.
I'm getting there. Stay with me.

See, I think,
in an unconscious way,

I'm transferring my anger
for Patrick to dreyfuss

or... or perhaps it's
just my rage towards all men.

Carol, I came here to deal
with dreyfuss.

Now, I think his problem...
- Dr. Simmons, I think

you're missing the point.
- No, you're missing

the point.
- If you just let me explain

about Patrick.
- Carol, I don't wanna hear

about Patrick, your father,
your ex-husband,

or your bed-wetting
at camp wimoweh.

Why not?

I think that you are
the most egocentric,

self-centered, self-involved,
self-serving mammal

I have ever met.

If I were dreyfuss,

I would go for your throat.

And let me tell you one more...

- What's he doing?
- I think he's defending you.

God knows why.

He is?

Dreyfie, dreyfie,
you do love me. Dreyfie...

Doctor, that was brilliant.

How did you ever get your anger
towards me to seem so real?

Well, I couldn't have done it
without you.

Carol?

Charley?

Charley, what's the matter?

I finished the book.

She d*ed, Harry.

Jenny's gone.

There is a sequel.

No, no, no, no, no.
I'm not putting myself

through this emotional wringer
again.

Nope, no more books for me.

Someone once said,

"there's a book
in all of us."

Well, I've read mine.

Charley, Charley,
there's... there's...

There's a whole world of books
out there.

You just picked the sad one.

- Okay, I'll try one more.
- Go ahead, yeah.

There's lots to choose from.

Take your time.

Of human bondage?

Harry, all right.

Miss Todd?
I'm from the united cause.

Why, hey, partner.

Now, there's a few more things
that needs discussin'.

First of all

miss Todd, please.

The united cause has been
in business since 1847.

And this is the first time,

we had to do
something like this.

- Like what?
- Return a donation.

We're giving yours back.

- What?
- Well, not exactly back.

We made a donation in your name

to a very worthy cause,

and we'd appreciate it

if you'd deal directly
with them.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Well...

At least these people
do good work.

Hello? I'd like to speak
to Jerry Lewis, please.