05x13 - Emily

[bunniefuu]

- Good morning.
- Good morning, doctor.

This come in for you overnight.

It's, one of your daughters.

She faxed her face.

Which daughter?
It's blurry.

Well, she looks happy,
so that rules out Carol.

And if it were Barbara,
knowin' her sense of humor,

you'd be starin'
at the other end of the horse.

So the smart money's on Emily.

Emily, Emily...
I haven't heard a word

from her in over two months,

and all she sends me is a fuzzy
fax from god knows where.

When I get a hold of her, I'm
gonna straighten her right out.

She's reminds me of
emmabelle sweeney.

Let me guess.
Rabbi friend of yours?

Anyway, emmabelle
could drink an entire Martini

through her nose.

Will you stop it?
That's... that's nonsense.

I've seen it myself.

Couple of years ago,
she inhaled the olive, too,

so now whenever she sneezes,

she passes out
for a minute or two.

She liked to show out
at parties too.

Drink, sneeze, pass out,
drink, sneeze, pass out...

You know, like them
little faintin' goats.

Fainting goats?

Yeah, you know them
cute little goats

that faint if you scare 'em.

Buddy hickson had one,
named it scare-me-Bob.

Now you get emmabelle
and that goat at a party,

Emma'd sneeze, scare Bob,

they'd both be on a floor
with their feet in the air.

I wish I was at home.

Me too.

♪ Life goes on

♪ and so do we...

♪ ...one by one

♪ we fill the days

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need...

♪ ...rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

Daddy?

With Barbara and Emily away,

does it remind you of the time
when I was your only child?

Just your one helpless
little mewling baby girl

to take care of day and night?

It does have
its similarities, dear.

Well, pardon me
for being a daddy hog,

but having you to myself

is the one thing
that makes me truly happy.

All right, all right.

Hey, you guys, I'm home.

Emily?

Dad!

Emily!

Emily?

Aunt Susan?

I'm just kidding, Carol.

You look great.

Emily, I was just saying
how much I've missed you.

It is so good
to be back home again.

Emily, where have you been?

Why haven't you called?
How can you do this to me?

I didn't mean to.

Well...

Okay.

And there aren't many
working phones in Vietnam.

No. Well, I understaaa...

Vietnam?

Whatever happened
to mount holyoke?

Do you know
what it's like to spend

four years
at an all-girls school?

I mean, if I see
hone more k.D. Lang concert,

I'm gonna barf.

Can we get back
to Southeast Asia, please?

Right. Well, when they
told me about this program

to work in a clinic there,

I could not wait to put college
on hold and go to Vietnam.

Somehow that sentence
sounded different in my day.

Anyway, after that, I took
an old moped over the himalayas

until it caught fire.

Then flew to Italy,

where I worked
as a hand model for two weeks.

Then I met this opera singer

who was performing
in Don Juan in hell,

but then he caught on fire,
but just briefly.

God, would you listen
to me rattle on?

So, Carol,
what have you been up to?

Well, I've learned how
to cr*ck an egg with one hand.

It's great to have you home.

And... and I'm so proud of you

for the good work
you're doing at that clinic,

and I just... I just have
one little question for you.

Okay.

Are you trying to k*ll me?

Daddy, she's too young
to know better.

She's the baby, remember?

May I say something?
- No.

I mean, it's one thing to have
some fun in college, young lady.

I mean, I wasn't above
a little tomfoolery myself,

involving the statue of the founder

and some bright-red lipstick.

But risking life and limb?

But I'm here safe and sound.

That's all
that matters, isn't it?

Well...

I guess you're right.

Hope you can stay for a while.

Yeah, well, I figured
I'd stay for a week or so.

I've been working
through some problems...

You know, boyfriend stuff.

Boyfriend problems?

Boyfriend problems?

Emily, there's
so much I can teach you

about serious relationships.

I've had 37 of them.

Anyway, I thought it'd be nice
to come home for a little bit.

I am so glad you're here.

Me too, Harry.

Harry...

I forgot how cute
that sounds from you.

And it's... it's wonderful

having
my baby sister back again.

Isn't that right, Harry?

Stick with "daddy," honey.

Mwah!

I wish Emily
would wake up already.

I can't wait to meet her.

Daddy, I've been thinking
about our poor little Emily

and this boyfriend
problem she's having.

Yeah, yeah, hone I-I was hoping

that you would take her aside
and find out what's going on.

Well, it's obvious
she's been dumped,

by some worthless lout.

But luckily, she has me

to take her hand
and pull her through this.

You see, I have
one of my patented plans.

On second thought,
leave her alone.

No, no.

I'm going to get
her dating life going again,

starting with stable,

trustworthy,
highly sensitive men.

Geeks.

I was thinking
of your childhood friend George.

The one that was
over here last week?

Yeah.

The man's a geek.

Daddy, trust me.
I know what's best for Emily.

I mean, we tend to forget that
she's hardly more than a child.

- Morning.
- Hi.

- Good morning.
- Emily, please.

This isn't breakfast
at the follies bergere.

Hi, I'm Emily.

Patrick, I live in the garage.

You poor thing.

Patrick's my boyfriend, Emily.

You poor thing.

He's cute.

No, he's not.
He's old and broke.

Thank you.

Say, I just thought
of something.

What if just us kids
went out tonight

to a fun, exciting,
new place I know?

- No.
- The last time you said that,

I was dragged to a coffee house

to hear this bald lady recite
a poem called inverted nipple.

- I'm done.
- Check, please.

No, no, no.

This will be great...
Just the three of us.

Hold the phone.

I just had
another nutsy, fun idea.

She's gonna fix me up
with some geek, isn't she?

Yeah, but he's actually
a really nice guy.

Well, since Patrick
likes him, okay, I'll do it.

Morning, westons.

I...

Emily!

Emily, you've come home.

God, I missed you.

Who are you?

Emily, this is our neighbor,
Charley dietz.

Have we met?

I met your picture
in Harry's bedroom.

What ever happened
to that picture?

Anyway...

Emily, I want you to know you
can always come over

to borrow a cup of sugar
a warm glass of milk,

or a recipe for ecstasy eclairs
from the love chef himself.

Charley, it's...

That time again.

I hear you, papa doc.

Well, it was really nice
meeting you, Charley.

Hook, line, and sinker.

I mean, I didn't know
guys like you still exist.

You're like a sketch
from love, American style.

Stay tuned, baby.

See?
Now, isn't this fun?

This is called
a karaoke bar, Emily.

I thought you should experience
the latest rage from Japan.

I'll have a light beer, please.

I'll have a diet coke.

I was a karaoke waitress
in Kyoto.

Emily, dear...

Don't make the mistake
of thinking you know the world

just because
you've been all over it.

- Hey, there's George.
- Sit up straight.

Hi, Patrick. Carol.
What a wacky place.

How you doing, George?

George, I'd like you
to meet my baby sister, Emily.

- Hey, George.
- The pleasure's mine.

George is an actuary.

Well, that sounds
like steady work.

Yes, I'll be projecting
when people are gonna die

until the day I die...

October 7, 2042.

It's not mine.

I'm sensing a chemistry here.

That's what they said
at three mile island.

George, are you painter?

Emily, put
your listening cap on.

He just said he's an actuary.

Yeah, but he's got paint
underneath his fingernails.

I think there's
a hidden side to George.

Caught. My hobby is painting
western scenes.

You're kidding.
I didn't know that.

Something in George's eyes
tells me it's more than a hobby.

Why do you paint the west?

I don't know.
Maybe because I'm 1/8 cherokee.

- Really?
- Yeah.

George, I think
your Indian blood

is telling you to be a painter.

You don't belong in an office.

Now, Emily,
don't get carried away.

You know, sometimes I do feel

like jumping in my Taurus wagon,

taking off
with the doors unlocked,

and setting the cruise control
at 57 miles per hour.

Just think
of all the native Americans

you could touch
if you could devote

all of your time to your art.
- Emily.

Boy, wouldn't that be nice?

He's an Indian.
I love this.

Shut up, Patrick.

Just imagine
how terrible it would be

if on October 6, 2042,
you said to yourself,

"I never even gave it a try."

Never even gave it a try.



Excuse me.

- Emily, you've upset him.
- Nah, George can handle it.

I've known him for 20 years.
I never knew that he painted.

Well, who knows?
Maybe now he'll devote

the rest of his life to his art.

Gee, I hope he doesn't suck.

This is nonsense.

George stringer
is a stable solid fellow

who doesn't get his head turned
by flights of fancy.

I'd like to dedicate this
to Emily Weston,

who just gave me the courage
to quit my job.

♪ Wild thing

♪ you make my heart sing

♪ you make everything...

It is 4:00 in the morning.
You're just getting home now?

Where's Emily?
- We're not sure.

We lost her at the gay bar.

Gay bar?

Emily heard
about some party there.

We didn't know it was a gay bar

until Patrick realized the hand
in his rear pocket wasn't mine.

It was so gentle.

You lost your sister
at a gay bar

at 4:00 in the morning.

Daddy, it's Emily's fault.

We were tired
and wanted to come home.

Hey! Great!
Everybody's up.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

It is 4:00 in the morning.

I've been worried sick
about you.

Well, I was careful, Harry.
I took a cab home.

Well, I guess
it's okay this time.

Daddy, you're just gonna let
her get away with that?

I think
she's learned her lesson.

What happened to George?

Well he met
a gallery owner named Elliot,

and the two of them
went off together

and watched the sun rise.

George is gay?

Incredible...

A gay cherokee actuary artist.

What are the odds?

All right, come on, that's it.
Let's go.

It's time for Carol
and Patrick to go to bed.

I need to talk to Emily.
- Well, it's about time.

Fine.
You. Come, you.

- Good night.
- Sit.

Good night.

You're still angry.

No.

It's...

It's just I feel
that we haven't really talked

in such a long time.

Honey, when the day comes
and you have your own child...

That day
has not arrived yet, right?

Dad!

The day you have that child,
you'll be filled with love...

A love you never knew
you were capable of.

That's why it hurts so much.
I feel cut off.

Dad, you've always encouraged
me to be independent.

There's no way
I could ever cut you off.

Come on, I love you more than
anyone else in the whole world.

Okay, I hope that means
you're gonna include me.

In your life a little more.

Of course.

Alright.
Now...

Let's talk about this
boyfriend trouble you're having

sure.

His name is Gianni,
and I met him in Italy.

'Night.

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

It's your big-sister
alarm clock.

Go away.

Emily...

Last night I sensed that you had

this deep-seated need
to unburden yourself

about the problem
with your boyfriend.

You got all that
from "shut up, Carol"?

Emily...

You're squandering
an incredible resource here.

I'm like a federal reserve bank
of disappointment.

Make a withdrawal.

Carol...

Emily, you can talk to me.

I mean, it wasn't that long ago

that I was changing
your diapers, for god's sake.

Well, it all evens out.

It won't be long before
I'll be changing yours.

He slept with
your best friend, didn't he?'

- just let it go, Carol.
- Okay, okay.

But when you feel
it's time to talk,

I'll be here, and I won't bother
you until then.

Okay I appreciate it.

- He knocked you up, didn't he?
- Carol!

- I'll raise the child.
- Out!

Daddy...

Don't you think
it selfish of Emily

to keep her boyfriend problem
to herself?

I mean,
whenever I have a problem,

I bring it to you, don't I?

For as long
as I can remember, dear.

Great.
Emily, please, come, sit down.

Yes. Let's have a talk.
Just the three of us.

Emily!

Gianni?

Emily, no!
You crush-a my heart.

For the last time,

please, marry me.

Become a queen of my villa
in the amalfi coast.

This is her problem?

Gianni, you're a wonderful man
and an excellent ship builder,

but I'm just too young
to tie myself down.

But I love you as never a man
has loved a woman.

I mean, one call,

and I will make you
the most famous model in Europe.

Click... those eyes, I tumble

into... click...
Of that gorgeous mane of hair.

Click... those sumptuous

that's...
That's enough clicking.

Emily, would you care
to introduce us?

Sorry. Gianni, this is
my father, Harry,

and my sister Carol.

Harry, please, I beg of you.

If ever the fire of love has
b*rned in you as hot as the...

How do you call it?

The big ball in the sky.

Sun.

Papa!

I knew you would understand.

Harry, I have millions.

I have degree in philosophy,
physics, and hotel management.

And, Harry...

Because I knew that one day
I was going to meet my Emily,

I preserved my chastity for her.

This is her problem?

Gianni, I'm sorry.

Look, I'm sure someday
you'll find the right person,

but it's not me.

No, no!

I will never leave-a this house.

Well, you'd fit
right into the family.

But, Gianni...

Ciao.

Then I leave-a
to join the church.

Only love for the holy spirit

can possibly replace-a
my love for you.

This is your problem?

Yes.
I've been trying

to decide
if I should keep seeing him,

but then finally
I realized I couldn't,

because that would be
stringing him along.

Look, I've been having
a really bad time with this.

Bad? Bad?

No, Emily, that's your problem.

You've always been so blessed,
you don't know good from bad.

Let me explain.

I spent the entire morning

rolling little fish balls
for the finkelstein bar mitzvah,

while you have been trying
to figure out

how to dump
marcello mastroianni.

Now, listen very carefully.

Fish balls, bad.

Mastroianni, good.

Still living
in my childhood bedroom, bad.

Amalfi coast, good.

Being 30-something
and divorced, bad.

Being 23 and the personal
pet project of god, good.

Now excuse me,
while I go upstairs

where I will spend
the rest of my life

adopting hundreds of stray cats

watching my breasts drop.

Bad.

Okay, see you later.

Whoa, just wait a minute,
young lady.

I think you teed to talk
to your sister.

But, dad, she's scary.

Okay.

But, look, it's not like my
problems are not real, you know?

I mean, even though
I wanted Gianni out of my life,

I feel more confused
now than ever.

Honey...

Maybe family is exactly
what you need right now.

Why don't you stay home?

It'd be nice for me to get
to know my daughter again.

Carol stays?

She kind of
has squatter's rights.

You really want me here?

More than anything.

Hey, Carol.

Emily...

It's nice of you to come up.

Well, dad made me.

Look, I'm sorry if I've been
a drag to have around lately.

No, it's not your fault.

I thought you needed me
to fix your life,

but then when I saw
what your life really is,

I felt like dukakis telling
Clinton how to run a campaign.

Don't be silly, Carol.

Look, my life is not that great.

Look how much
you've got going for you.

You love your catering.

You've got a really
terrific boyfriend

no, I don't.

Wait.
You're right. I do.

Sorry.
Knee-jerk response.

Carol, dad asked me to stay
for a little while,

but I know
it might be hard for you

no.
Emily, I want you here.

Really, I do.

The hard part is getting it
through my head

that you've grown up.

You don't need
a big sister anymore.

Hey, come on, Carol.

I've been living alone
for so long,

it might be nice having
a big sister around for a while.

Really?

Yeah, you know,
someone to lean my head on

or steal clothes from,

teach me how to cr*ck an egg
with one hand...

- You know, all that stuff.
- Emily.

And I promise,
I won't try to run your life.

I missed you.

Poor Gianni.

That man lost
the greatest catch of his life,

you made the right
decision about him.

You need a man who's...

Who's gonna allow you
to breath for a while,

a man who has
a strong sense of self

combined with an insatiable
appetite for adventure.

Kimmel the piano tuner.

I'll go get his number.

Help me, dreyf.
I'm home.

Emily.

Emily.

Please...

Please, before I leave-a
to serve-a god,

I need a-one more look
at your priceless-a face,

one last whiff
of those gorgeous hair,

one final look at that...
Beautiful...

Hello, papa.

Ciao.