05x11 - The Body Beautiful

[bunniefuu]

In my line of work,

you can never turn your back
on a fire, doctor Weston.

She's a living, breathing entity

with a mind of her own
who can lash out at any second.

I know the feeling.

I heard that.

So what do you say?

Are you up to the task?

You know, I think
Laverne can handle this.

- Handle what?
- Well, inspector Lopez needs

a fire-safety coordinator
for our floor.

Really? You want me
to be fire-safety coordinator?

Yeah, well, I thought

what will my powers be?

Your powers?

Yes, my powers.

Your duties will be

to keep people
aware of fire procedures,

conduct fire drills,

and you'll be in charge
in the event of an actual fire.

I'll be in charge?

If you got the stomach for it.

Try me.

You ever witness

someone b*rned
beyond recognition?

The stench of charred flesh
fills your nostrils.

D'you ever see
a man's toes chopped off

by a mccormick reaper
and throwed in a pile of corn?

Ever seen a man leap
from a towering inferno

and go splat on the pavement?

Okay, d'you ever see
a cow turned inside out?

All right, please.

Please, it's... it's a draw.

I think...

I think Laverne's your person.

Ever seen a man's head
after it's been split open

to the brain
by a bolt of lightning?

Okay, d'you ever see a pig
rip through a man's guts

to get to a couple turnips?

Are you married?

♪ Life goes on

♪ and so do we...

♪ ...one by one

♪ we fill the days

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

"In case your clothes
become inflamed,

drop to the ground and roll
to extinguish same."

Hi.

I'm just rollin' around
on the floor.

My mom rolled on the floor too.

It was just after dad
shaved his eyebrows

and joined q*eer nation.

- Barbara called.
- Finally.

I hate these special
undercover assignments.

What did she say?
- Well, she said

she can't say where she is,
can't say when she'll be back,

and can't say where she's goin'.

Good. As long
as she keeps me informed.

Hey, hey, hey.
What do you say?

Pete Stanley, is that you?

If not,
I'm wearing his underwear.

- Good to see you.
- Laverne, how you doing?

Well, I haven't had
a raise in two year...

How are things in vero beach?

There were good,

but, I just got transferred
back to Miami.

That's terrific.
Welcome back.

- Thanks.
- Hey.

Aren't you Pete Stanley,
the pro football player?

Was. Now I'm,
Pete Stanley,

the insurance salesman.

An ex-jock who sells insurance?

How unusual.

Wow. You were the most injured
man in pro history.

Hey, you know a lot
about football?

No. It just says so
right here on your card.

"The most injured man
in pro football

is aching to meet
your insurance needs."

I wrote the slogan myself.

I wanted to put an end

to that whole dumb-jock myth,
you know.

It was nice meeting you,
Mr. Stanley.

Hey, same here.
Look, and you be sure

and give that card
to your parents?

You tell 'em I'd be happy
to insure

a healthy little fella like you.

Okay. Bye.

He is healthy, isn't he?

So how's the family?

I've been following pauley's
football career.

It's great. He made all-state
his junior year.

Yeah, that's kind of why
I'm here to see you.

He missed his team physical,

and, I was wondering
if you could give him one.

It's got to be done
by tomorrow, though.

What, for pauley?
Sure. Anything.

Have him drop by
around lunchtime.

Doc. Anybody ever tell you
you're the greatest?

- Hey, Pete.
- Yeah, doc?

You're crushing my arm.

- That's all right.
- You're insured.

Patrick, do you remember
this skirt?

Sure.

When did I wear it?

You wore it to the thing.

What thing?

You know, the thing
with the thing.

You... you wore that.

You don't remember.

Patrick, I wore it
on our second date.

We went to the moller concert,

and we strolled in the park
and fed the swans.

- Right.
- And then we came back home

and talked all night
about my hopes and my dreams.

Don't you remember?

Like it was yesterday.
I got to go.

- Why don't we talk anymore?
- We talk.

I mean really talk,
about the important things,

like my hopes, my dreams.

We can talk about that.

Good, because I have a hope...

Nay, a dream.

Carol, I'm sorry.

I'm right
in the middle of working

on a sculpture in the garage.

I just came in
for a glass of water.

I got to go.

I love you.
We'll talk tonight, okay?

Dreyfuss, he used to love me
in this skirt.

Is it me, or has this skirt
gotten tighter?

I've been through this before.

First, your mate stops talking.

Then he stops listening,
and the next thing you know,

you're telling
your troubles to a dog.

You know, I wanted a poodle.

Don't patronize me.

I really appreciate this, Tracy.

I've been playing softball
with your husband for years.

I never knew
he had a wife who modeled.

I never knew you were an artist.

You and 50 million other people.

What do you say we get started?
- Sure.

Okay.

Now, just tilt your head
to the left a little, please.

Perfect.

Patrick.

Do you remember these slacks?
I wore them the time...

Hello, naked woman.

Hi.

- Patrick, word.
- Carol, do you mind?

I'm in the middle
of something here.

Patrick, stronger word.

Tracy, could you excuse us
for a minute, please?

And you let me know
if there's anything you need...

Like underpants.

Why are you doing this to me?
- What are you talking about?

Our relationship is crumbling.

I'm forced to confide
in dreyfuss,

and you're drawing
dirty pictures in the garage?

Carol, our relationship is fine.

Dreyfuss is a good listener,
and this is my work.

Artists use models.

What happened to clowns?

Clowns?

You know, happy clowns,
sad clowns,

fully dressed clowns.

Carol, this is ridiculous.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I am paying her by the hour.

Right. Just leave it
on the dresser.

Okay, I'm sorry.
You're right.

You're an artist,
and this is just your model.

Does she have
some sort of model I.D.?

Not on her.

Why can't I be your model?

You can,
just not for this piece.

Why not?

Because your lines aren't right.

I need someone more like...

That.

You mean skinny.

No, I mean linear.

Aren't I linear?

I see what you mean.

Well, okay, I'll let you two
get back to work.

Good-bye, naked woman.

Sorry
about the interruption, Tracy.

Okay...

Charley, what are you doing
up there?

Yes, the plans
for the fire drill

are comin' along fine,
inspector Lopez.

All right. Julio.

Now, don't try to sweet-talk me.

I told you I am not dating
at this time.

No, you cannot bring
your jaws of life

over to my house.

Okay, looks good.

I really appreciate this,
doctor Weston...

Your squeezing me in like this.

It's my pleasure.

I remember when you were little,

I always gave you a lollipop
to keep you from crying.

I always started crying
so you'd give me a lollipop.

How about this...
A little blast from the past?

Hey,
the disappearing-thumb trick.

I can't believe
I used to think that was cool.

You just blew your lollipop.

Boy, I can't... I can't believe

how big you've gotten
in the last year.

Yeah. Well, I spend two hours
a day on the football field,

two hours in the weight room,

and the other 23
looking for food.

Doesn't leave
much time for math.

So how are your studies going?

Not bad, but I ain't
exactly a rocket surgeon.

Well, who is, you know?

You know, getting good grades
can only help you.

Well, the way I see it,

if I perform on the field
the way I should,

I won't need good grades.
- That's not true.

Without good grades,
you can't get into college...

Except maybe Nevada.

Well, I've got scholarship
offers coming out the wazoo...

Some from states
I've never even heard of.

Did you know
there's a West Virginia?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just west of, um...

Virginia.

Blood pressure is a little high.

Come on, let's go, kiddo.

Fire drill,
fire drill, fire drill.

Fire drill.
It is important...

It is important to remain calm

and move single file
toward the fire exits.

Laverne, this is not
a good time.

A fire knows no good time.

Come on, it's drill day.
I have it all planned.

- Laverne...
- Come on, it'll be fun.

Laverne, some other time.

Doctor, your life depends
on you a-listenin' to me.

Nurse, your job depends
upon your listening to me.

Laverne, please,
just go back to work,

and we'll practice later.
- All right.

I'll go clean the office.

Meanie.

Okay, all right,
we're finished in here.

Last thing we need
is just a urine specimen.

Laverne will give you
something to go in.

Hey, Harry.

Hi, Charley.
How did your date go?

- She stood me up.
- Too bad.

Standing up, laying down...
Doesn't really matter.

Do you mind if I make myself
a little sandwich?

Yes, I do mind.

You got a great little sense
of humor there, doc.

Turkey, Mayo, cheese,
pickles, Bologna...

I can't believe
how insecure you are.

- I know what I saw, Patrick.
- You don't know what you saw.

What was that all about?

Yeah.
I hope everything's okay.

But it's not my problem.

I don't know
what you're so upset about.

Please. I've been looking
forward to this gallery opening.

I'm wearing the dress
I wore on our fourth date.

I remember that date.

- Really?
- Where did we go?

Out.

Patrick, our relationship
is in crisis.

I've been starved
for communication with you,

and what do you do?

You spend the whole evening
chatting it up

with that raven-haired beanpole.

There is no crisis.
And she wasn't a beanpole.

Come on.

You could practically hear
fee-fi-fo-fum

up there around her head.

Carol, she is an art critic.
I'm an artist

it was work.

If I were Tommy lasorda,

would you be mad at me
for talking to orel hershiser?

You know, it's just like you

to use an analogy
that I don't understand.

You know, I think
you had a little too much

of that jug wine at the gallery.

Are you calling me fat?

- What?
- Don't deny it.

I see what's
been going on here...

Tall, thin model,
tall, thin art critic,

short, stumpy girlfriend.

This is totally nuts.

I'm gonna go finish
my sculpture.

I'm losing him.

Oink.

Liverwurst, gherkins,

and my two little
sardine friends.

Are you gonna eat that
or play lady of Spain?

Hello?

Arthur, how are...

Did you finish
those tests for me?

Yeah, that's him.

No.

Are... are you sure?

All right, Arthur.
No, no, no.

Yes. No, I know.
Thanks a lot.

Bye.

My god.

What is it, Harry?

A patient of mine,

a kid I've known
for a long time,

tested positive for steroids.

Hey, you down there.

That is a fire Lane
you just parked in.

Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, boy.

I heard that.

Hey, hey, hey.
What do you say?

Hey, Pete.
Thanks for coming in.

Hey, you kids down there.

Yeah, you two, in the Jeep,
that is a handicapped spot.

I saw that.

So, what'd you want
to see me about?

Pauley.

What about pauley?

Have you noticed him
behaving aggressively?

He plays football.
He's supposed to be aggressive.

Pauley tested positive
for anabolic steroids.

Pauley's taking steroids?

Yeah.

- Hey, he knows better.
- Well, apparently not.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna kick
his sorry butt so hard,

he'll have a third cheek.

This is not the way
to handle it.

Hey, don't tell me
how to raise my kid.

Hello, ladies. I love you.

Now, how do you get
a man who begs?

One, two, one, two.

Lose that lard
that's on your legs.

One, two, one two.

How could I have I gained
two pounds since this morning?

What the hell?

Why don't I just go with it
and become jolly?

Hey, Carol.
How is it going?

I'm miserable, fat, and ugly.

Well, my work here is done.

What kind of lab are you using?

- Sit down.
- No.

No, my dad showed up at school
and told me about some mix-up.

- Mix-up?
- Yeah.

He said I tested positive
for steroids.

- You did.
- That's a pile of

wait, wait!
Now, I had the lab run it twice.

They found traces both times.

Then get another lab.

Now I know why you waited
till the last minute

to take your physical.

You didn't wait long enough.
It's still in your system.

Do you know how bad this stuff
is for your body?

Get a clue, doc.
I didn't take any steroids.

Get a clue, son.
You've been caught.

Look at me.

Do I look unhealthy
to you, man? Wake up!

By taking anabolic steroids,

you're risking liver cancer,
heart problems,

bone deterioration, sterility...

All right, all right, all right.

Knock off the sermon.

How long
have you been taking them?

Six months.

Pauley, how could
you be so stupid?

Look, this is my year.

I have a good season,
I can write my own ticket.

You're not playing football
this year.

What are you talking about?

I've reported the results
to your school.

- You what?
- I had no choice.

But they'll kick me
off the team.

They already have.

You jerk.

You son of a bitch!

You ruined everything.
You're supposed to be my friend.

- I am.
- No, you're not my friend!

- Pauley.
- You're just some tired old man

who's getting off
by coming down on me!

- Pauley.
- I should k*ll you, man!

- Pauley.
- What?

Look at yourself.

Pauley...

Look what you're doing.

- Doctor, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

Well, if you need me,
I'll be at my desk.

Thank you.

Carol,
getting a little exercise.

Good for you.
- Are you calling me fat?

That's strange.

Usually her fat att*ck
comes in the spring.

Hey, hey, hey.
What do you say?

Pete, come on, come in.

Look, I just wanted to apologize

for the other day...
The way I acted.

It's all right.
Come on, it was tough news.

Sit down.

- How's pauley?
- He's mad as hell.

He's gonna have to sit out
the entire year.

I know.
I-I hated reporting it.

I never thought pauley

would get mixed up
in this kind of stuff.

Why did he do it?

Maybe he wanted to be a star.

Yeah, like his old man.

- It's not your fault.
- No?

Sometimes I think I wanted it
more than he did.

Maybe I pushed him too hard.
I don't know.

You know, it's difficult,
but I learned a long time ago...

You can't put your expectations
on your children.

Daddy, since you think
I'm so fat,

I've decided to never eat again.

No!

What?

I'm exhausted.
I can't do this anymore.

What?

Exercise, lose weight.
This is it.

This is as thin as I get.

So go. Go.

Leave me
for some willowy beanpole.

Carol, Carol, for the last time,

this weight thing
is all in your head.

I can't lose weight in my head.

Carol, sit down.
Sit down.

Come on, you've been wanting
to talk, so let's talk.

God.

Is this the "we can still
be friends" talk?

No.

- Well, yes.
- God. God.

Okay, I'll lose weight
in my head.




I don't know it!
- Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol.

You're a beautiful
and sexy woman.

And I wouldn't change
anything about you.

Really?

I've always thought so,
and I'll always think so,

and I'm not going anywhere.

- God.
- Thank you.

And you're right.
We haven't been talking.

We should.

It's just that sometimes
I get caught up in my work,

and... and that's wrong.
I know.

And I guess
'cause your past relationships

haven't worked out,
you're expecting the worst,

and I-I should be
more sensitive to that.

But I want to tell you, Carol,
from the bottom of my heart...

Carol?

I love you.

Come on, I'll put you in bed.

She fell asleep. I was just
gonna put her in bed.

I wasn't gonna touch her.

Put her down.

You, out.

It's all right, dear.

Of course, I'm an artist.

I'm so surprised
Patrick didn't tell you.

He's one of my finest students.

Now, if you wouldn't mind,
Tracy,

let's adjust your pose
for the light just a bit.

You know, I'm from the German
expressionist school.

Would you mind
jumping up and down?

Danke schoen.