05x07 - It's Not Easy Being Green

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Britney, that knee
looks a whole lot better,

but next time
you ride your bike,

watch where you're going.

Come on.

♪ Da da da...

Laverne!

Do we really need all this?

Well, I'm enjoyin' it.

So, darling, what you gonna
be on Halloween?

A monster!
Rawrrr!

- A girl monster.
- I like it.

They's not enough
girl monsters around.

They've all taken up nursing.

Here you go!

Your official doctor Harry
Halloween treat.

Sugar-free and salt-free.

Not to mention taste-free.

If you want the real good stuff,

you come trick-or-treat
at my house,

and here's the address.

Thanks.
Rawrrr!

Back at ya!

Wow, Laverne, sounds
like you're gonna have

a big crowd.
- Well, I always do.

Since Nick and I never had
young'uns of our own,

we always went a little
overboard on Halloween.

Well, that's nice.

I intend to keep up
the tradition.

Of course, it'll be
an incredible burden

not havin' someone
to help and all.

Just me, myself, and I.

All by my lonesome.

Solo.

Well... that's nice.

You don't take hints
very well, do you, doctor?

Well, Laverne,
it's just that I'm not much

of a Halloween person.

I see.

So that promise you made

about always bein' there for me

when Nick left.
What was that?

Just another
one of your cruel jokes?

All right.

What time do you want me there?

You better
come around by 6:00.

Now, let's talk about
what kind of costume

you're gonna wear.
- Laverne, I hate costumes.

I'm not gonna wear anything.

We're tryin'
to scare 'em, doctor,

not k*ll 'em.
- Okay.

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need

Sorry to bother you,
Dr. Weston.

No problem, Virgil.

You know that ironwood tree

we've been having problems with?

I found out the reason.

I know, I know.
Too much loam in the soil.

No.

Ironwoods don't grow in Florida.

So, what's the solution?

Well, I planted
a mulberry tree instead.

Okay... and you think
it's gonna do okay?

No, too much loam in the soil.

Well, thanks... Thanks,
Virgil.

Anyway, this is the stuff
you wanted for your costume?

I appreciate it.

Yeah, just a little
medical bag, a stethoscope,

a head mirror, and the number
of a good malpractice attorney.

Thanks.
You owe me $85.

Ha ha!
Very good!

You're getting into the role.

No, that's the bill
for the extra loam.

I'll wear leather boots,
a black mask and carry a whip,

and you be some kind of animal.

You better be talking
about Halloween.

- Yes!
- No!

I thought we decided
not to go to that party.

No!
You decided not to go.

Right, because
I can't stand Halloween.

You sound just like daddy!

How can you not like Halloween?

'Cause I've always been
jinxed on Halloween.

Patrick, I can't believe
you're that superstitious.

No! It's true!

When I was five years old,
my mother dressed me up

in my sister's little
orphan Annie costume.

And I got b*at up.

Two years later,
I was dressed as Superman,

and little orphan Annie
b*at me up.

Poor baby!

The worst was
when I was eight years old,

and my brother dressed me
as Barry goldwater

and tossed me out of the car
in a liberal neighborhood.

Patrick, it's not just a party!

It's the party!

The hottest,
most exclusive affair

of the Halloween season.

Okay.

I got a great idea
for a costume.

You get dressed up, you put
your arm out like this...

And you attach
a man's glove to it.

What will you be?

The guy in the glove.
The invisible man.

That means I won't be there.

Would you think
of all the contacts we can make?

Besides, best costume
wins a free vacation to curacao.

Please go!

Please, please, please,
please, please?

I want this more than anything
else in the whole world.

All right!
All right!

- I'll go.
- Thank you!

But don't feel you have
to do this just for me.

Trick or treat?

What's that supposed to be?

Spanish fly!

Charley, I'm sorry your date
stood you up,

but you can't blame the woman
for going on her honeymoon.

Well, if I'd known
she was gonna break the date,

I wouldn't have been
their best man.

Come on, Charley!

That's supposed
to be for the kids!

Harry, relax.

The kids will get their treats,

and your house won't get egged.

Thanks for helping me out,

and I'll be at Laverne's
if you need me.

If you run out of candy,

there's an extra bag
in the pantry.

Actually...
That was the extra bag.

Daddy! Daddy!

Come on, Patrick!
It's showtime!

Voila!

You owe me big time
for this, Carol.

I feel like a jerk.

Daddy, tell Patrick
he doesn't look like a jerk.

Patrick...

So what time does
the party start?

Aren't you going
to guess who we are?

No.

I'll give you a hint.

I won the nobel prize

for this...

My elemental discovery.

Congratulations, dear.

Come on.
Laverne's waiting for me.

Okay.
I'll give you one more hint.

I'm madame curie,
and Patrick's radium.

What do you think, daddy?

So what time's the party start?

Let's get out of here.
I'm starting to itch.

- Bye, daddy.
- And, daddy...

You don't have to leave
a light on for us.

Come on.

Hello.
Barbara!

Happy Halloween, sweetie!

How's the undercover going?

Great.
You... you be careful.

Madame curie and radium!

Yeah, I agree.

She should go back
to five sessions a week.

But...

I love you, baby.
Bye, bye, bye, bye. Okay.

Harry,

why is the toilet seat glowing?

Don't ask.

It's just weird, that's all.

No, no, no, my little product

of the decaying American
public school system.

I'm madame curie, and
he's my elemental discovery.

Get it?

Who cares?

He's radium, you moron!
I won the nobel prize.

I can't believe
he didn't know me.

Look, Carol.
No one gets it.

No one's ever going to get it.

For once can we do
what I wanna do?

Let's get out of here.

You know you're not even
trying to have a good time?

What are you talking about?

I'm the half life of the party.

Patrick, this is
for your benefit, too.

There are important people here.

We're not just attending
a party; We're networking.

Look, honey, it's Mark twain,

who gave us such classics
as huckleberry Finn.

No, it's colonel Sanders,

who gave us such classics
as finger-licking good.

I should've stuck
with what I wanted to do.

Come as the invisible man
so I could stay home.

- Pooh!
- We are not leaving.

Do you know what I had to go
through to get these tickets?

- Hello, miss Weston.
- Virgil?

Dr. Virgil to you.

Hell of a bash ain't it?
All the big sh*ts are here.

The mayor's pool man,
district attorney's nanny,

and Jackie gleason's
ex cabana boy.

Hey, reefie!
- I don't understand.

Only the most important people
buy these tickets.

Yeah, that's right.

But they think this is stupid,

so they give
the tickets to their help.

Well, if you don't
mind me asking,

how did you get yours?

From your father.
Reefie!

Away we go!

Patrick.

I feel like such a fool.

Good, let's go.

No, we're gonna get
something out of this party.

This costume is gonna
win us that vacation.

The only way we're gonna win

is if there's a category
called "I don't get it."

Carrie!

I loved that movie.

Isn't that the one
where the hand comes up

out of the grave at the end?

Not Carrie.
Curie!

I'm madame curie!

Then why are you
with the incredible hulk?

Tell her who you are, Patrick.

I'm radium.

Not too close!

Get it?

No.

We are going
to win this contest.

And I am not just doing this
for me and madame curie.

I'm doing this for
the honor of old France.

You know, I read that radium

got to madame curie's brain
in the end.

I think you're there already.

We've decided upon
this year's best costume pair.

Pair.
That's us Patrick.

The trip to curacao
has been won by...

Edith fenton!

Who is cleverly accompanied
by her partner,

the invisible man.

Gee, Laverne,
the place looks great.

You're doomed, doctor.

Don't remind me.

No, I mean,
you did a real good job.

Real nice.
It's okay.

Pretty scary?

Laverne, I'm a doctor.

Skeletons don't scare me.

Aagghh!

Okay.

We don't have much time
to rehearse

before the kids show up.

Here's your script.

Script?

You're Harry.

Boo?

Lordy, they're here.

The first kids of the evenin'.

Okay, doctor,
am I creepy enough?

Is that a rhetorical question?

Just get out of my way,
and open the door.

Okay, fine, fine, fine.

Children:
Trick or treat!

Whoa, hi, you guys look great!

A treat?

You dare sneak in here
and ask me for a treat?

I think I should get a treat.

So, where's the fu manchu guy?

Pardon?

You know, Nick.

I wanna see him pull
that stuff out of his ear

like he always does.

Well, Nick's kinda
out of the picture now.

But this here is scary Harry,

and he's tons more terrifyin'
than Nick ever was.

That's your cue, doc.

Boo?

Can we have our treats now?

Yeah, we have to get over
to a real scary house

on mcdonie street.

Okay. Here ya go.

Okay, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

A lot of help you are!

Come on, doctor.
It's Halloween!

All right, all right, all right.

Maybe I could get
a little more involved.

Hey, try to keep
the energy up this time.

Okay, okay, okay.

Trick or treat!

Wooooooo.

Sir, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Why don't you head over
to mcdonie street?

I hear there's a house
guaranteed

to scare your spots off.

Gee, thanks!

Okay.

Come on.

That's it.

If I can't scare
these young'uns,

I might as well
turn in my nose wart.

Sorry it didn't
work out, Laverne.

See you tomorrow!
- Hello?

That was another hint.

What do you want me to do?

Well, okay, how 'bout
you let me dress you up?

How 'bout I don't?

Where are we?

What do you mean where are we?

You said make a left
at the light,

I made a left at the light.

I should've listened to myself.

Why do I listen to you?

Is there something wrong
with my hyundai?

My beautiful hyundai?

- We're out of gas.
- Out of gas?

Out of gas here?
How can that be?

I just put two dollars in.

- Two whole dollars?
- Where are you going?

There's gotta be a gas station
around here somewhere.

Bring the radio.

Patrick, what about
the cd changer in the trunk?

A little louder, Carol.

Was that a black cat
that just crossed our path?

It was Navy blue.
Come on, let's go.

- Hide! Hide!
- No, Carol, no!

Carol...

Yo, they over here.

We're gonna die.
We're gonna die.

Shh!
Maybe they won't notice us.

We're gonna die.

Okay, if they catch us,

I'm gonna act
like a crazy person.

A man on donahue said
that if they think

you're deranged,
they'll leave you alone.

That's the most ridiculous
thing I have ever heard.

You don't know anything about
handling situations like this.

Come out, come out!
Wherever you are!

My god, my god, my god.

Well, well, well,
look what we have here.

Radium and madame curie.

They know who we are.
Wait a second!

Let me guess!

You're West Side story, right?

- Right.
- Hey, bro!

Yo mama!
You dissin' us?

Skippy hates bein' white.

The money, now,
and no funny stuff, radium.

The voices are back.

The voices are back. Look, here
come the pretty butterflies.

Tell the president
his socks are ready.

Are you gonna eat
that caterpillar?

What... it's like
everybody we mugged

saw that donahue.

Thank god, we're home.

Please, Patrick,
right now there are criminals

laughing at my driver's
license picture.

Wake up, Charley!
- Yeah?

The front yard's a wreck.
Didn't you hand out the candy?

I must have dozed off.

All I can remember
is this incredible dream.

I was getting a tongue bath
from a lusty redhead

with a runny nose.

Hey, cool!

Free toilet paper.

I'm glad
this evening is over with.

- What time is it?
- I don't know.

Let me check my priceless,
family heirloom watch,

my father gave me for gradua...

It's gone.

- Please, Patrick!
- Hey, it's no problem.

I'll just buy another one,
and charge it on my...

No wallet.

All right, all right.

You know, you're
not the only one

who was robbed tonight.

What about my dignity?

Dignity?

I suppose you're saying
this is all my fault.

Your fault?

How could this be your fault?

Just because you made me make
a left turn on a street

where I wanted to go straight,
coming home from a party

that I didn't wanna go to
in a costume

that I didn't wanna wear
in the first place?

Don't you use a run-on sentence

in that tone of voice with me.

Carol, this has been one of
the worst nights of my life.

Okay. I'm sorry.
I apologize.

But you know,
it might have been worse.

How could it possibly
have been worse?

We could've spent Halloween
without each other.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

I'm sorry I made this one
of your worst halloweens ever.

It's okay, Carol.

I'm just jinxed on Halloween.

Let's just put it behind us.

I want the rest of tonight
to be wonderful for you.

We'll do whatever you want
to do, the choice is yours.

I wanna kick back
and have my beer.

Well, that's a good idea, honey.

Or...
- Or nothing.

Every time I've listened
to you tonight

it's been a total disaster.

I was just going to say
that we could go into the garage

instead of sitting here
in the kitchen.

Is that the "or"
that you were talking about?

Well, come on.
I'll light the way.

It's your first good
suggestion all evening.

- Why'd I listen to you?
- I'll get some ice.

No, if you say ice, I want heat.

- Please, sit down.
- I'll stand.

- Patrick!
- Call me Jerry!

Come on, doctor.

We got kids a-waitin' out there.

Laverne, this is ridiculous.

I cannot do this.
- Yes, you can!

Now, come on!

Boy, he looks scary.

Hi, I'd like to drink
your blood.

Cool costume.

Too bad he had to talk.

Here you go.

Doctor, you had 'em
in your fangs,

and you let 'em go.

Laverne, I cannot do this!

Are you sayin' you're
a quitter, doctor?

Now, these kids
came here to be scared,

and you gotta scare 'em.

You gotta scare 'em high,
you gotta scare 'em low.

The big ones
and the little ones,

the ninja turtles,

the ghosts, the supermans,
the batmans,

the general
William tecumseh shermans.

Kids come as general sherman?

Well, not yet, but if one does,

I want you to scare
the hell out of him!

Come on, doc!

You can do it!
They're a-waitin' for ya!

Good evening!

I bid you welcome.

Arrr, you look
like type "a" blood.

My favorite!

Arrrrr!

All right, now.

Now, that's the way to do it!

I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.

No, I could've been better
with the blood thing.

Was I scary enough?
I wasn't scary enough!

Right, and the accent,
was it too much?

I don't know...

- Okay, I'll get this one.
- Okay.

Pretty scary?

Yeah, he sure is.

It is I!

Count docula!

A Princess,
a mermaid, a ballerina.

I love an assortment.

Okay, here's your treats.

We want count docula
to give 'em to us.

Okay.

Fine.

But of course, you ugly hag!

Come here!

Yes, here.

Here's for you,
the eye of a newt!

And for you, the tooth

a wolf!

That is witch talk not Dracula.

That's it,

wicked witch of the south.

Now then, my little darlings,
come here.

Yes, yes.

Now, I have given
you something to eat.

Now, you, must give me
something to drink!

But we don't have
anything to drink.

- But you do!
- Arrrr!

Woohoo!

They were little girls.

Any half-baked bloodsucker
can scare a little girl.

I think I did
pretty well, Laverne, come on.

Maybe I should put some
ketchup on my teeth or these!

I'll get it!

No, I'll get it!

Well, wait a minute, now.

Now we can both do
this together.

Why don't you get
in the closet and hide

and then you can jump out
when they come in,

and scare them to death.

Great idea!

Yes.

Come in, my little pretties.

Laverne, come on.

Laverne, what are you doing?

That'll teach you
to upstage a witch!

Laverne!

All right kids.
Bye-bye, goodnight.

Okay, doctor,
I'll let you out now.

Doctor?

You locked me
in the closet, you vitch!

- Hey!
- Ha ha ha ha!

Well, good evening!
Come on, little men.

Whoo!

Aaah!